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Notes From a Red Pill Girl

~ A site for women interested in a red pill perspective (where men are welcome too!)

Notes From a Red Pill Girl

Monthly Archives: May 2014

In Support of the Manosphere

28 Wednesday May 2014

Posted by redpillgirlnotes in Red Pill

≈ 5 Comments

Tags

activism, men's rights, men's rights conference, red pill

Today, Notes From A Red Pill Girl would like to voice support and solidarity with the larger manosphere in all its incarnations from male rights activism like reform of custody and child support laws to lobbying for more male contraceptive options to expanded awareness of men’s health issues to teaching men the art of the pick up.

Breaking news says some are trying to block a gathering of like minded men to discuss issues of importance to them at the June 2014 AVFM’s First International Men’s Conference in Detroit. Read all about that and how you can help here.

Notes From A Red Pill Girl is written by an independent-minded female journalist who is a strong believer in preservation all of our constitutional rights including the freedom to assemble and freedom of speech in all forms, not just those that conform to my own or society at large’s approved viewpoint. We strongly urge the leadership of our country of all political parties to uphold these freedoms we all hold so dear. Any weakening of these freedoms is a threat to all of these freedoms.

It is with highest hopes that these measures will not be enacted and that these men will be allowed to peacefully gather and attend this important conference as planned.

United We Stand, Divided We Fall

Let those who have ears hear

Men Like Food

28 Wednesday May 2014

Posted by redpillgirlnotes in Uncategorized

≈ 8 Comments

There’s an old saying “The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach,” for a reason. According to one active Man-O-Spherian, next to “you know what” the next thing on a bachelor man’s mind is food.

If you first thought is, “Get it yourself!” well sister, we need to talk.

As antiquated as it may seem, the care and feeding of a man is an art and also can be the secret to a successful relationship.

Have you ever tried to talk to a hungry man? Good luck! You may as well be dancing with wolves for all it gets you, right?

On the other hand, talk of what’s for dinner at 3 p.m. is like tossing out a big old lure in the middle of a still, clear pond. Bam. He’s hooked. “I’ll be right there, can’t wait” will likely be the reply.

If like me you were raised by a “modern woman” who thought take out and frozen dinners were the epitome of home cooking, this can be an intimidating thought. Cook? Me? Are you kidding?

Yes, you. You can do this. In fact, if you look at cooking as a creative adventure, it can actually be fun and surprisingly fulfilling.

And thanks to the Internet, it’s never been easier! Simply type a few ingredients into a search engine and voila — a bunch of ideas for how to use them will appear, often with reviews and ratings and tips to make it even easier to nail it out of the park.

If you are a visual person, try going to pinterest.com and checking out the “food and drink” section. There they are, oodles and oodles of recipes with images to guide you every single step of the way. Now if only they could come up with a way to make them magically appear when you click on the image. Sigh…

With a little advance planning you can be sure to have several days worth of yummy goodness on hand. One married friend of mine who is an organization guru has a seven day schedule with breakfast, lunch, and dinner mapped out for every day of the week. Such advance planning can prevent the phenomenon of opening the fridge, staring in, and wondering what on earth you are going to make for dinner?

Another advantage of advance planning is that you can get a jump start on prep, saving valuable time later when everyone is hungry. The more you can do and plan in advance, the easier things will go later. The crock pot can be a very good friend indeed!

As you experiment, a  handful of go-to’s will emerge. And it never hurts to ask what his favorite meal growing up was and either getting the recipe for it or finding the closest version to it online that you can.

If you are single, depending on if he has a sweet tooth or a savory one, gifts of food at the start of a date (like cookies or snacks) are never a bad way to start a date off.

Then after a few successful dates, instead of going out to eat for a date, why not make dinner at his place or invite him over to yours instead? Pull out all the stops. Set the table. Use the good dishes.

Or plan a picnic in the park, a lunch by the river, or a snack under the stars. Whatever you do, make it delicious!

And enjoy the simple pleasures of a really good meal paired with really good company. Food bonds people, sharing a delicious meal is one of the most satisfying experiences there is. Chances are, it will be a moment he will remember.

(And if you burn the dinner or mess it up somehow and he just laughs it off instead of critiquing you, he’s a keeper!)

Here are a few of my tried and true go-to’s. Feel free to share yours, as well!

Crock Pot Short Ribs

Baked Cheesy Chicken Penne

Salmon Cakes

Bourbon Crack Chicken

Barcoba Beef

Coconut Ginger Chicken

Kielbasa and cabbage (serve over mashed potatoes, comfort food heaven!)

Let those who have ears hear!

 

Picture It

26 Monday May 2014

Posted by redpillgirlnotes in Relationships

≈ 12 Comments

Tags

courtship, dating, hookups, hoopkups, love, ltr, marriage, red pill, relationships, romance, sex, true love

As the saying goes, if you don’t know where you are headed, any road will take you there.

That’s why I am a big fan of clarifying what it is you want in your romantic life to increase the odds you’ll end up reaching your desired destination.

In fact, it was that very thing that led me to the land of the red pill. After a puzzling relationship and break up, I went looking for answers about love, relationships, and what did and didn’t work in hopes that would help me figure out what I was doing wrong so I could for goodness sake start doing it right.

While I can’t say I have arrived at my desired destination, have found my true love ever after, I can say that I have learned a lot in the past year about what I do and don’t want in a romantic relationship and that alone will likely increase the odds of finding it over continuing to be haphazard and hope it all turns out for the best. I’m closer now than I was then.

Now my vision may not be the same as yours or anyone else’s, and to each their own. As I examined my heart I realized I am a pretty traditional gal and so that for me love means marriage and not just to anyone, but to someone I love truly, deeply, and madly who feels likewise about me.

Because my faith is important to me, and I have learned the hard way why one should not be unequally yoked, that’s another perimeter on my list. However, as I am not a radically conservative religious zealot, in this area I seek someone who is seeped in the spirit more in the love thy neighbor as thyself type of way than in a hellfire and brimstone one.

I also believe in traditional gender roles, that love works best that way. So this is another thing I look for in a potential mate: Does he share the vision of a Captain and First Mate scenario? Is he a wise, capable, and just person who will make a good lead? Is he headed in a direction I would want to follow?

I’ve spent many hours over the past year refining this vision of true love and as I date I circle back to it often. It (and prayer) helps center me and to guide my path. While I don’t want to err on the side of having such a long list of requirements or being so picky that I never find someone, I also don’t want to spend too much time dating those who want something other than what I do or who don’t share similar values and goals.

In fact writing this blog and reading a handful of other red pill sites has been another way that I further hone and crystallize that vision as I find that writing and reading about love and relationships helps me get my head wrapped around how to navigate the path less traveled, and how to do it differently than how most of the rest of the people around me are doing it or how I have done it in the past.

I also spend time visualizing what I will do and bring to the love equation, how I will nurture and support my partner, what I will do better and differently thanks to all I have learned. I don’t just envision what I will get out of love, I also envision what I will give to love and to a relationship.

On days of doubt or discouragement, I will visualize finding true love either by listening to music (sometimes posted here), picturing it in my mind, thinking about the couples I know who have found it and have relationships like the one I seek, making a collage or art projects with images surrounding the theme, and other such rainy day exercises.

Not to sound new age, but I do believe that what we set our mind upon is what materializes in our worlds. Thoughts are powerful and they can shape one’s life. So rather than think about all the possible obstacles and things that could go wrong, I work hard to keep my thoughts in the positive: It is out there and I will find it and it will be more than worth the time and effort and energy I am putting in now to make sure that when I do I will be ready to embrace it with my whole heart and give it all I’ve got, come what may, thick and thin, richer and poorer, forever and ever after, amen.

This same visualization approach has never failed me in other areas of my life, in fact it’s many times made the impossible somehow become possible, and usually in ways that are even better than my wildest dreams. Why would it not with love?

So ladies, if you have found love lacking, why not try visualizing your own ideal picture of what you seek and you offer? I think you might find that once you do,  it makes the confusing obstacle course called dating a bit easier to navigate. Once you know where you want to go, which path to take to get there suddenly becomes a lot more clear.

Let those who have ears hear.

Fall Together Instead of Apart

25 Sunday May 2014

Posted by redpillgirlnotes in Relationships, Uncategorized

≈ 5 Comments

Tags

casual sex, dating, heartbreak, love, marriage, red pill, relationships, true love

Guard your heart ladies, don’t fall for him till the feeling is mutual! Otherwise you may end up falling apart.

(I realize the Dixie Chicks have said some very controversial things, this post does not endorse or deny any of that, I just like the words and the sentiment.)

“If I Fall You’re Going Down With Me”

Was it the pull of the moon now baby
That led you to my door
You say the night’s got you acting crazy
I think it’s something more
I’ve never felt the Earth move honey
Until you shool my tree
Nobody runs from the law now baby
Of love and gravity it pulls you so strong
Baby you gotta hold on

If I fall you’re going down with me
You’re going down with me baby if I fall
You can’t take back every little chill you give me
You’re going down with me baby heart and all ooh yeah

We’re hanging right on the edge now baby
The wind is getting stronger
We’re hanging on by a thread now honey
We can’t hold on much longer
It’s a long way down but it’s too late

If I fall you’re going down with me
You’re going down with me baby if I fall
You can’t take back every little chill you give me
You’re going down with me baby heart and all ooh yeah

Ooh baby I couldn’t get any higher
This time I’m willing to dance on the wire
If I fall…If I fall

‘Cause if I fall you’re going down with me
You’re going down with me baby if I fall
You can’t take back every little chill you gave me
Your going down wih me babt heart and all

If I fall…If I fall…Ooo yeah

Let those who have ears hear!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Only One

24 Saturday May 2014

Posted by redpillgirlnotes in Relationships

≈ 7 Comments

Tags

fidelity, hypergamy, marriage, red pill, relationships

Be his only one, for all your life! That’s the good stuff…

“All Your Life”

Would you walk to the edge of the ocean
Just to fill my jar with sand?
Just in case I get the notion
To let it run through my hand
Let it run through my hand Well, I don’t want the whole world
The sun, the moon, and all their light
I just want to be the only girl
You love all your life
You love all your life Would you catch a couple thousand fireflies
Yeah, and put them in a lamp to light my world?
All dressed up in a tux and bow tie
Hand delivered to a lonely girl
To a lonely lonely girl

Well, I don’t want the whole world
The sun, the moon, and all their light
I just want to be the only girl
You love all your life
You love all your life

Lately I’ve been writing desperate love songs
I mostly sing them to the wall.
You could be the center piece of my obsession
If you would notice me at all, yeah

Well, I don’t want the whole world, no
The sun, the moon, and all their light
I just want to be the only girl
You love all your life
You love all your life

You love all your life
Life
Yeah

Let those who have ears hear

Check Out Your Friendzone

23 Friday May 2014

Posted by redpillgirlnotes in Relationships

≈ 17 Comments

Tags

courtship, dating, friendzone, hookups, love, marriage, Mr. Right, red pill, relationships, romance, true love

Ladies, have you heard the term “friendzone?” It’s a manosphere term that roughly means if a gal doesn’t like a guy in that way, she says “let’s just be friends” or some such and the guy hangs around as a friend hoping the situation will change.

Now in some cases this is truly what happens. A gal isn’t attracted to a guy and so to be nice she says, “let’s just be friends” instead of being more direct and saying something like “I am not attracted to you in that way, sorry.” In this case it is good to be clear, even if in “girl talk” that seems mean, because otherwise he may get more hurt in the end if he thinks there is a chance you will change your mind.

However, there is another kind of friendzone that I think a lot of women don’t know about. I didn’t know about it myself until I saw a man say men and women can’t be friends on a message board discussion. What? Men and women can’t be friends? Really?

No, they insisted. If a man is hanging around as a friend, and you are both single, he is interested in you. Otherwise he would not be hanging about spending time alone with you, being supportive of your dreams, talking to you about your feelings, and so on. Because guys don’t like to do that with girls they don’t have the hots for, apparently.

I don’t know about you, but that idea came as a complete shock to me! What? Could it be?

I started to think back about my many male friends over the years. Was this true? Had they been attracted to me, but they just never made a move or let me know?

Go ahead, think back yourself. Shocking. Isn’t it?

But sure enough, they have all moved on since finding girlfriends, which I assumed was just because they were busy and life is busy. But maybe not…

And the thing is, as I thought back over my male friends, they are all very interesting men whose company I enjoyed. They had great jobs and interests and hobbies. They were attractive. I truly liked them.  But I had not once considered them as romantic partners — not because I had consciously decided that I did not like them (although that has happened too, followed by the “let’s just be friends” talk) — I didn’t think of them as anything more than friends because they never made it clear that they liked me more than a friend.

And the thing is, I probably would have dated many of them, had they asked!

When I revealed this to the men, they did not believe it. They accused me of misleading them. Of planting false hope. But I think the ladies would back me up here, if a guy friend has not made an explicit move and gotten the “just friends” reply, he should consider testing the attraction waters somehow (maybe by talking about if men and women can be friends, and then him saying, “No they always like you,” and then she says,  “But look at us, we’re friends?” And he says, “Exactly” and watches the first expression on her face….something like that may work. If she says “Nah, I don’t want to risk our friendship,” or “LJBF” then he can just say, “I was joking silly. Of course I don’t like you. As if…” Which by the way may be just the dare that makes her set her sights on him, because women are like that. But I am revealing too much….)

But back to the friendzone. This got me to thinking, if I had made this error, I bet a lot of other women may be too. So if you are single, and have single guy friends, stop and consider would you like it to be more than friends? Would you (or do you already secretly) want to date them? If so, you might want to somehow let them know!

Check out your friendzone, ladies. There may be some great guys whose company you enjoy crushing on you already and you don’t even know it!

Silly boys should speak up, I know, but since they aren’t, you might need to test those waters yourself. You’re a woman, you can be subtle about it, right? That way if he truly does just want to be friends, that can continue and you can check him off the list of possible true love ever after, knowing he truly and really just wants to be a friend.

Rejection is scary, I know, but guys have to face it all the time. In fact, that’s probably what’s holding your secret admirers back as well. Men say it is just brutal to have to face rejection time and time again. Maybe we ladies can take a little bit of that heat off, right?

And I know, women are told over and over to never ever approach a guy, it’s like the taboo must not do girl dating rule of all time, but the guys I asked about it said if they liked a girl, and she made the first move, it would be a most welcome development.

If I am right, don’t be shy sharing the results. I am always a sucker for a good love story.

Let those who have ears hear.

 

Forget “The List”

19 Monday May 2014

Posted by redpillgirlnotes in Fempire, Red Pill, Relationships

≈ 26 Comments

Tags

casual sex, commitment, courtship, dating, divorce, feminism, marriage, red pill, relationships

The other day I called to check in on a friend who is considering a divorce in hopes that things were taking a turn for the better. But when she started to tell me about “the list” my heart sank.

I know a lot of women think “the list” is the way to go when their marriage (or life partner or whatever term you want to insert) hits choppy waters, but I think it’s a bad strategy and here’s why — men don’t like it when you try to change them or tell them how it’s going to be. Men don’t like “lists.”

Case in point, when I told a male friend about her “list” he launched into a tale of his own experience with his (now ex) wife making “the list.” First her list was a half a page. Then the list was a full page. Then two pages. And soon, the list sounded like a scroll that was a half mile long. And as I listened to how he reacted to “the list” I could see he did what most men in this situation do, anything but “the list.” She may as well have been making him a list of how to push her buttons!

Not to say a woman should not have boundaries and standards. She should. And those should be established early on, your personal non-negotiables, in the dating stage. Those boundaries and standards will vary from woman to woman, but may I suggest at a minimum he is a good man, who believes in fidelity, who has his act together, who is mature, who is wise with money, who has made good life choices, who shares your views and values, who treats you with honor and respect, who gives you serious butterflies, who you think so much of you want to be a better person and to also bring your “A game” to the table, not because he’s asking, but because you are giving and working for it.

A gal in the dating phase should not try to change a man. If after a few dates she determines he is not already these things listed above, plus her personal non-negotiables, someone she would marry gladly and without hesitation, the best choice is to cut loose early and before her heart clouds her judgement. Sticking it out early on is a mistake. Sticking it out early on or trying to make it work then can lead her to the alter with a bad match, and that is not a good thing.

Dating is not just something a gal does for fun, it’s the time a girl should be paying close attention to who and what he is, how he acts, what choices he makes, how he views the world, what his values are, what his worldview is, how he treats her, how he respects her boundaries and limits, how he reacts when he is unhappy with her, how he approaches conflict, if there is strong attraction on both sides, how he treats others, who his family and friends are, will he be a good provider and protector, and so on.

When dating used to be called “courtship” that was the purpose of dating and everyone knew it — she was spending time with him to screen him with one purpose in mind  — to find her future husband. That was the goal of courtship. Today, women who are marriage minded would be wise to readopt this approach to dating rather than to just go with the flow. (Side note: in the courtship model he had already determined before courting her that he considered her as a future wife. Men did not court ladies “for fun” then either.)

Why is it wise for a woman to think of dating as courtship? Because it’s how a woman figures out his “frame” and what stepping into his world would look like. That is a woman’s choice, to step into the frame or not. Once she’s committed to the relationship, and especially once married, choosing the frame is no longer an option. It then is about living within the frame. His frame. A wife who wants a happy marriage will remember this. Even when the frame is not what she wants. (Note: Obviously I am not talking about enduring abuse, infidelity, or rampant and unacknowledged addiction. I am talking about where they will live, how they will live, how that will work, what their shared values and goals as a couple will be, how money will be spent, how children will be raised, how frequent sex will be, and so on. If he is a good mate, he will consider her wants and needs but in the end he as the Captain, the leader, and the guide, will make the call. When she choses wisely and well, she does not need to fear his decisions will not be the best for them both.)

(The goal of this blog is to advise women, not men, but as I know women will be wondering what his role in this is and need to recognize it when they see it, I am including that here.)  He needs to remember this frame-owning too, and work to set the frame and hold it. A man who lets his woman set the frame sets up a dynamic that leads to a lack of respect and conflict ahead. If he chooses wisely, he will have to be mindful of owning the frame, but won’t have to battle royal with her for it on a daily basis, although he may from time to time have to make corrections is she does start to try. She is wise to make sure he already gets this, as it is not really something a woman can teach a man. He’s already got to have good frame control, to see himself as the able Captain seeking a First Officer.

And what is her role, as a good wife? From what I have heard men say they seek, she is to support and honor her husband, be an enthusiastic partner in bed, to be faithful to him alone, to follow not lead, raise their children, run their home on a day to day basis providing nurturing and sustenance, carefully manage her responsibilities and not make choices that endanger the stability of her family, and to put her relationship with him above all else in importance.

So while a woman should not be so picky that no man could ever make it through her courtship screening, she should be mindful to choose wisely and choose well. She’s choosing who she is going to hand the reigns of her life over to, who she will stand by through thick and thin, who she is going to be there with through riches and poorness, through better and worse, in sickness and health, promising to love, honor, and obey, to be faithful only onto him, till death do they part.

That is a big, big, big decision ladies. The difference between a lifetime of more happiness and fun than misery and suffering, not that there won’t be hard times but when she chooses well and wisely, it will be more easy times than hard times.

She is not choosing someone who is “almost” what she wants, who will be that with a little “tweaking,” or who she will respect as Captain as long as he follows “the list.” I know this may sound pretty antiquated to the modern gal, but that is exactly what today’s feminist-led views on marriage in our society have taught and with half of all marriages ending in divorce, I would not place my odds on that model. That experiment is failing, and failing miserably.

The time to have a list is going in, not on the way out. If you find yourself making a list on the way out, it may be time to humble yourself and think of how you can inspire him to make it work, not to force him to. It’s time for some feminine wiles used in the best of ways — to sustain and strengthen her love relationship not to manipulate it unfairly by issuing ultimatums and demands.

Let those who have ears hear.

 

Don’t Be a Sucker

13 Tuesday May 2014

Posted by redpillgirlnotes in Relationships

≈ 6 Comments

Tags

dating, happiness, heartbreak, Mr. Right, PUA, red pill, relationships, true love

There he is, looking at you from across the room. Wow, he’s cute! Your heart jumps. Before long, the two of you are maneuvering your way closer to each other. Oh my goodness, he’s saying everything you’ve ever hoped to hear. I’s just like in the movies! How could you ever be so lucky. Maybe this is IT?!?

So you bounce it off your girlfriends, who are all equally swept up in the romantic tale. Go for it, they urge you. Don’t let this one get away!

Screech. Brakes. Reality check.

If he’s that smooth, it’s probably because he’s done this little ditty before. I know you don’t want to hear that. I know I am throwing a big wet blanket on your true love tale. Trust me, I am a big fan of true love myself.

But ask a few guy friends, describe the interactions, and you will get a whole other take on who this guy is and what he is up to. If something is too good to be true, it likely is.

Maybe he really is that great guy he portrays himself to be. But watch out. Take your time. Don’t be a sucker. Slow it down. If he’s just spinning tales, he’ll tire of the game not working as quickly and easily as usual. And you will not be left reaching for tea and hankies.

If he’s actually a good guy, that will come to light too. It happens. We’ve all heard the tales.

But before you jump in heart first, do a little fact checking and recon, so you know exactly what you are getting yourself into. The best part about not being a sucker, is that you save yourself from getting hurt. And that’s a mighty wise thing for a gal to do.

Let those who have ears hear.

Wait for It, Ladies!

13 Tuesday May 2014

Posted by redpillgirlnotes in Relationships

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

dating, engagement, love, red pill, relationships. marriage

It’s worth waiting for.

“God Gave Me You”

I’ve been a walking heartache
I’ve made a mess of me
The person that I’ve been lately
Ain’t who I wanna beBut you stay here right beside me
And watch as the storm blows through
And I need youCause God gave me you for the ups and downs
God gave me you for the days of doubt
And for when I think I lost my way
There are no words here left to say, it’s true
God gave me you
Gave me you

There’s more here than what we’re seeing
A divine conspiracy
That you, an angel lovely
Could somehow fall for me
You’ll always be love’s great martyr
And I’ll be the flattered fool
And I need you
Yeah!

God gave me you for the ups and downs
God gave me you for the days of doubt
And for when I think I lost my way
There are no words here left to say, it’s true
God gave me you

On my own I’m only
Half of what I could be
I can’t do without you
We are stitched together
And what love has tethered
I pray we never undo

Cause God gave me you for the ups and downs
God gave me you for the days of doubt
God gave me you for the ups and downs
God gave me you for the days of doubt
And for when I think I lost my way
There are no words here left to say, it’s true
God gave me you, gave me you
He gave me you

 

 

Follow Don’t Lead

10 Saturday May 2014

Posted by redpillgirlnotes in Relationships

≈ 12 Comments

Tags

dating, divorce, marriage, red pill, sex, single parenting, stay at home mom, submission

Do you know what one of the biggest secrets to having a relationship or marriage that works is? It’s not something you hear much about these days, quite taboo to say it really, but it’s having the humbleness to follow your man, rather than to try to lead. In a post-feminist world, the thought of letting a man lead seems like pure blasphemy, but ladies I will tell you what, it works.

Submission may not be a popular concept, but in a world where one in two marriages end in divorce, it is an idea worth exploring. There’s a freedom in not having to make every little decision yourself.

Sometimes it’s easier to explain something with examples.

I have two good friends, both stay at home moms, who are very disgruntled and unhappy in their marriages. Both of these gals look at my life, as a single mom running a small business, and idealize it. I am the first one to tell them, no — this is not the freedom, bliss, and and happiness it appears to be. In fact, I think they have a pretty sweet deal and I encourage both of them to shift their attitude.

I think part of their frustration is that they feel like, “they aren’t doing anything” with their lives, when in fact they are doing something very important and they are investing their time and energy into their children and home and marriage. What could be more important? I know many in our society don’t value the stay at home mom role, and they picture someone who “can’t cut it” in the job market, or maybe think she is lazy, or not much of a go getter. But I don’t buy any of it.

The problem is both of these gals see their position as one of weakness, after all their husband holds all the cards in their minds, he has the income, he calls the shots, and they both resent it.

Now I know both of these men personally and I can assure you, both are very kind, stable, solid, hardworking  guys. Their wives lack for nothing, and yet they don’t see or appreciate that, sadly. They are hardly oppressing their wives, but unfortunately their wives are oppressing them.

So in both cases, the wives are prone to nagging and harping, constantly challenge their husbands, and are creating a home filled with strife and conflict rather than one filled with peace and love.

Both have also told me they rarely have sex with their husbands, because it’s “just another chore to do” in their minds. One even said it’s the only card she feels she has, so she withholds it to try to establish power.

Both gals have fantasized that they would be better off alone, that they could truly call the shots then, that they would be happy, maybe even find a “better” man.

No, no, no. Ladies do not play your hand this way!

There’s a verse that goes like this, “A wise woman builds up her home, while a foolish one tears it down with her own hands.”

And this is what I see in both these stubborn and headstrong gals, and if they don’t get it straight, I do not see these marriages working out in the long run. And the world on the other side of that is much much harder than either of them can even imagine, in their current cushy situations.

I try to have a good attitude as I go about my daily round. But it is hard, hard, hard to do it all alone. This is not freedom. Every month I face the wolves at the door. I have to worry about paying all the bills or figuring out how to manage with times are lean. I drop my youngest daughter off at preschool and see the other moms driving a Lexus or BMW, off to get their nails or hair or shopping done, not to go to work. At my oldest daughter’s school, a charter school with high academic standards (and mostly stay at home moms who can focus solely on supporting their child’s education, not on supporting their family financially) I feel my lack. I do my best, but I feel like my daughter is going into fully armed combat with a slingshot, and I watch her struggle to keep up because I simply can’t do as much for her education as I could if I wasn’t doing everything else, too. I do date here and there and hope to meet a man of character, but let me tell you, they are few and far between. So far my search has turned up empty handed. My dishwasher is broken, my lawnmower won’t start, and there is a mouse in my garage and guess who is going to deal with all that? Yep, me. My friends don’t see this part of my struggle. I smile and put on a happy face, but it is not easy, this is not a “better” life than to be in a secure and happy marriage, or at least not in my humble opinion.

So what about my ex-husband, you might be wondering? He’s getting married next weekend, to a gal who does get it. The end of my marriage wasn’t solely my doing, but I can tell you a lot of the reason it ended was because I didn’t get it then, but I do get it now, and I have learned that the hard way. If I could go back in time, I would do a lot of things differently, including not putting my education and career and my own stubborn “needs”  in front of my husband. That was a mistake and I admit it. And when he walks down the aisle next weekend, I am sure I will be an absolute wreck. Talk about humble pie.

But the past is the past. Some suggested when he got engaged that I should have told him that I was sorry and that I wanted to give it another try, but that seemed like unnecessary drama, I had my chance to make that work, and I didn’t take it. To try to jump in now seemed incredibly unfair. So instead I apologized to him for not being a better wife and I wished him much happiness. He admitted it takes two and that he also has regrets and that he appreciated me wishing them well. And we left it at that.

So I am doing what I can to invest in learning more about men and relationships, and I am patiently waiting and hoping and praying that one day I will be offered another chance to get it right this time. And I share my tale here and with these two gals in hopes that I can help other women see they have it pretty damn good, before it’s too late.

Women with this mindset need to get quiet in their selves and submit their pride first to their higher power of choice and then to their husbands. They need to appreciate the enormous gift their men are giving them, let him know that, and work just as hard as he is to make sure his world is working too, to run the house well, make sure dinner is ready and waiting, along with a welcoming kiss when their man gets home. They need to put their children’s needs and wants second to those of their mate, and remember what’s really important, they are stay at home wives first, moms second. They need to do their best to make their homes a refuge, a warm comfortable cozy place their man can’t wait to get home to, not a place of conflict and strife that he wants to avoid. And they need to understand how much sex means to their husbands and how important a satisfying and abundant sex life is — like water in the desert to their man — something to be embraced enthusiastically and abundantly, never withheld or doled out as a way to control him. Be liberal with that sugar! To recognize they are blessed, not oppressed. And most importantly to recognize their mate as the capable and sole leader of their family, someone to follow and support, not someone to compete with.

And you know what is the thing so few people are telling women these days? That if they can do these things, their marriage and family will be happier than in their wildest dreams. They won’t be oppressed victims, they will be experiencing true and complete freedom.

So ladies, if you have a man, please treat him right, cherish and love him, and let him lead. Be his copilot, and a good one. Don’t make the same mistakes I did. Please don’t.

Let those who have ears hear.

 

 

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