Tags
courtship, dating, friendzone, hookups, love, marriage, Mr. Right, red pill, relationships, romance, true love
Ladies, have you heard the term “friendzone?” It’s a manosphere term that roughly means if a gal doesn’t like a guy in that way, she says “let’s just be friends” or some such and the guy hangs around as a friend hoping the situation will change.
Now in some cases this is truly what happens. A gal isn’t attracted to a guy and so to be nice she says, “let’s just be friends” instead of being more direct and saying something like “I am not attracted to you in that way, sorry.” In this case it is good to be clear, even if in “girl talk” that seems mean, because otherwise he may get more hurt in the end if he thinks there is a chance you will change your mind.
However, there is another kind of friendzone that I think a lot of women don’t know about. I didn’t know about it myself until I saw a man say men and women can’t be friends on a message board discussion. What? Men and women can’t be friends? Really?
No, they insisted. If a man is hanging around as a friend, and you are both single, he is interested in you. Otherwise he would not be hanging about spending time alone with you, being supportive of your dreams, talking to you about your feelings, and so on. Because guys don’t like to do that with girls they don’t have the hots for, apparently.
I don’t know about you, but that idea came as a complete shock to me! What? Could it be?
I started to think back about my many male friends over the years. Was this true? Had they been attracted to me, but they just never made a move or let me know?
Go ahead, think back yourself. Shocking. Isn’t it?
But sure enough, they have all moved on since finding girlfriends, which I assumed was just because they were busy and life is busy. But maybe not…
And the thing is, as I thought back over my male friends, they are all very interesting men whose company I enjoyed. They had great jobs and interests and hobbies. They were attractive. I truly liked them. But I had not once considered them as romantic partners — not because I had consciously decided that I did not like them (although that has happened too, followed by the “let’s just be friends” talk) — I didn’t think of them as anything more than friends because they never made it clear that they liked me more than a friend.
And the thing is, I probably would have dated many of them, had they asked!
When I revealed this to the men, they did not believe it. They accused me of misleading them. Of planting false hope. But I think the ladies would back me up here, if a guy friend has not made an explicit move and gotten the “just friends” reply, he should consider testing the attraction waters somehow (maybe by talking about if men and women can be friends, and then him saying, “No they always like you,” and then she says, “But look at us, we’re friends?” And he says, “Exactly” and watches the first expression on her face….something like that may work. If she says “Nah, I don’t want to risk our friendship,” or “LJBF” then he can just say, “I was joking silly. Of course I don’t like you. As if…” Which by the way may be just the dare that makes her set her sights on him, because women are like that. But I am revealing too much….)
But back to the friendzone. This got me to thinking, if I had made this error, I bet a lot of other women may be too. So if you are single, and have single guy friends, stop and consider would you like it to be more than friends? Would you (or do you already secretly) want to date them? If so, you might want to somehow let them know!
Check out your friendzone, ladies. There may be some great guys whose company you enjoy crushing on you already and you don’t even know it!
Silly boys should speak up, I know, but since they aren’t, you might need to test those waters yourself. You’re a woman, you can be subtle about it, right? That way if he truly does just want to be friends, that can continue and you can check him off the list of possible true love ever after, knowing he truly and really just wants to be a friend.
Rejection is scary, I know, but guys have to face it all the time. In fact, that’s probably what’s holding your secret admirers back as well. Men say it is just brutal to have to face rejection time and time again. Maybe we ladies can take a little bit of that heat off, right?
And I know, women are told over and over to never ever approach a guy, it’s like the taboo must not do girl dating rule of all time, but the guys I asked about it said if they liked a girl, and she made the first move, it would be a most welcome development.
If I am right, don’t be shy sharing the results. I am always a sucker for a good love story.
Let those who have ears hear.
The whole friendzone thing bothers me. It’s like… if he really and truly wanted to be your friend, then he would respect your opinion about whether you want to date him or not. I feel like guys use the whole “Oh, I’ve been friendzoned” thing as a way of guilt tripping girls into giving them more chances. At least that’s what it’s been in my experience – yeah, sure, I might have some great guy friends, but I’m not an idiot, if they were worth my time to date they wouldn’t be friends.
Good points. Yes I too think it is unfair to get all bent out of shape or try to guilt trip someone into dating if she or he is not interested. That’s happened to me too, and really? That is not going to make a girl want to date you, for sure! To be mean to her because she isn’t doing what HE wants her to is really, really immature and unhealthy. Yuck. Thanks for the comment 🙂
Have you ever liked a guy friend and not told him? Do you assume a guy likes you if he’s your friend? I am wondering if I am just naive or if it’s a gender thing.
I definitely have, but usually there’s been a good reason, like he has another girlfriend or something. And as far as assuming a guy likes me if he’s my friend… No. I pride myself on being able to tell when people have feelings for me in a more-than-friend way 😛
The problem with the friend zone is, the woman generally wants a lot of boyfriend like behavior and responsibility from the friend zoned beta, but he gets none of the boy friend benefits. Anything one sided is always no fun.
that dude on the discussion board is correct. that is not how men interact with other men so if he is doing a version of the boy friend routine, he wants in your pants
But lets be clear, men stuck in the friend zone have only themselves to blame, they have not made their intentions clear.
As I have said before, I don’t get the men and women being friends. Friendly terms, interact with a smile etc? Sure? Hunting pals? Training partners? Where is the genuine friendship. I think the men and women as friends thing is false thinking and really shows how little meaning we put on the word.
what a dismissive attitude displayed toward supposedly great guys
Nope. It’s not dismissive at all. It’s “I want to be your friend, I don’t want to have sex with you.” Calling it dismissive is proving my point that men just want to guilt trip women into relationships they KNOW they don’t want.
” yeah, sure, I might have some great guy friends, but I’m not an idiot, if they were worth my time to date they wouldn’t be friends”
yea that’s it… a guilt trip and not a piss poor attitude toward men who are not worth your time
moat women are inherently negative and hostile toward men. They don’t even hide it very well if you let them speak their mind. Your attitude and the OP’s attitude are 180 degrees out of phase. Guess which one is taking responsibility for her actions and not being dismissive of the opposite sex?
Uh, I don’t know what planet you live on, but believe it or not women are allowed to have opinions where I’m from! And my opinion about whether someone is worth my time to date is based, surprise surprise, on actually SPENDING TIME WITH THEM. If I were to dismiss them completely they wouldn’t even be friends – I’ve certainly had my share of one-night stands. So wake up and smell the roses honey bun – this isn’t negativity, and this isn’t hostility. This is plain and simple honesty. If you can’t handle that, it’s your own problem – but don’t pretend like you’re not trying to guilt trip me into believing that my opinion is just me being a bitch. That’s exactly what you’re doing. You’re the one that needs an attitude adjustment, not me.
How did it come to this? Boy bear got told by girl bear “let’s just be friends”.
Good points scfton. Thanks for adding that!
Oh yea….. No negativity or hostility toward men in your writing at all…… little darling what you write doesn’t convey the self image you think it does.
Nor is your past sexual experience relevant, but wise men already knew by your attitude on display.
Ouch! Poor bear 😦
The recent Elliott Rodger tragedy brings to light an even more somber reason for women to not abuse or take lightly the feelings of men in their friend zones. RedPillGirlNotes extends the deepest sympathies to all those touched by this tragedy and hopes from this darkness a deeper understanding and healthy changes in the way the genders interact in the dating and marriage market place will emerge.
If you don’t believe sfcton or me, please listen to the Gospel Of Chris Rock
In the Manosphere we refer to men who stay in the Friendzone waiting for stray sex as “orbiters”, usually Betas. The Elliot Rodger types usually pull from a creepier and more dysfunctional group called Gammas. RedPillGirl was suggesting you ladies promote high quality Betas out of the Friendzone who got trapped there only because they didn’t have the communication skills or guts to demonstrate romantic interest and hotness. Gammas are a danger to themselves and to the women if kept in the Friendzone, so dismiss them once discovered…carefully.
Here is the criteria you ladies should use in determining whether a platonic male friend could (not should) stay in the Zone as a male platonic friend and not an orbiter. Does he either, 1) donate time to charity or 2) help strangers like the Good Samaritan? If neither, then in his mind the Zone is just a romantic penalty box. If either, he may still be kind AND sexually interested in you. I know, it sucks.
You may ask why is it so difficult for a man to be a platonic friend with a woman? Well, frankly, most women are far more complex then most men, and we don’t understand you. For sake of page loads I’ll spare you numerous YouTube examples that the comedians cite. Generally:
* We don’t speak emotion-ese, nor do we haul out our feelings for public inspection.
* We don’t interpret subliminal communications well, if at all.
* If we asked what you were thinking, we wouldn’t understand the answer.
* If you asked us what we were thinking, you wouldn’t believe the answer (often it’s just “nothing”, sleep, sex, food, or alcohol).
Those rare instances when a man and woman claim they married their best friend is when they happened to stumble upon a common language, not shared activities. For a woman to talk to a man and see the light bulb of understanding go off is like catnip. For the man, it’s like curing a toothache.
I guess the morale of the story is a woman’s concern about screwing up a platonic friendship by making it sexual is unfounded. It could be awkward at first until the boundary lines are redrawn and the social circles are updated with the news.
I am one of those guys that will like a girl but not want to make the first move due to fear of rejection. I’m not shy or socially awkward, I’m just insecure about certain aspects of myself and my appearance. This leads me to believe that I set my standards too high for someone of intellectual and physical value an therefore causes me to refrain from asking certain girls out because they are “Too good for me.” While sometimes (most of the time) this may be true, some of my old friends have later told me that they also liked me in the same way at the time. At first this frustrated me because I thought it was my own fault, but I later realised that it is preposterous to ask men to always make the first move. If Women are to receive equal treatment to men, (Which Is obviously a good thing) then why can’t women ask men out aswell?
I don’t care how attractive, smart or funny she is, if she decides she doesn’t want to date me anymore, there is no way I am hanging around to be a platonic friend, I mean beta orbiter chump.
One woman I dated recently gave me the LJBF line. I said “No thanks, good luck with that half marathon coming up.” This was right after she realized I had figured out she was spinning plates.
And another recent experience with a woman who had 500+ facebook friends, with half them – by her own admission – guys she dated from Match. I told her that I didn’t operate that way. I told her if we stopped dating I wasn’t going to hang around and watch her try to start a romance with someone else. She was spinning plates too. She also appears to thrive on the attention of beta orbiter chumps. (I believe her ex-husband was very controlling and this gives her a sense of control she hasn’t had before.)
Since then, I became aware the Red Pill and realized I had been too nice with these women. Too accessible, too agreeable, too eager. I have since changed my strategy and it seems to be working, even for an old (49) divorced guy like me.
If she doesn’t want to date you now, she’s probably not going to date you later. Just move on and find someone who *does* want to date you.