Ladies, something I hear some married (or more often formerly married) men in the manosphere say is that after they got married, the loving that once was a flood trickled or came to a stop.
Some blame marriage itself. They say that once a woman has her man, she no longer wants him.
While I am sure it may be in some cases, I am not convinced that’s exactly what’s going on much of the time.
Maybe your are too tired trying to do and be it all? Maybe you put everything else first? Maybe your libido is lagging? Maybe you are mad at your husband and so you are holding the sex card to your chest? Or maybe other reasons, there are many possible I am sure.
Whatever it is, I would urge you to get it figured out and get your sex life back on track, for your own sake and the sake of your marriage. (Unmarried ladies file this in the “future to-do” category and get things off on the right foot.)
It’s easy to slip into the mistake of taking your relationship as a for granted. It will be there, right?
Bad, bad attitude, sister. Your marriage and connection to your spouse is the pivot the whole rest of your life revolves around, or it should be. Not some afterthought tacked on when you have an extra minute.
Do you know how often your spouse prefers to have sex? And how? And are you guys doing that? And do you talk about these things, not in bed but when you are both well fed and feeling good and maybe in a playful way rather than treating it like some tense Geneva Convention negotiation?
If not, consider trying it. Or if not asking and talking about, maybe your spouse isn’t a talker, experimenting to figure it out yourself.
Or you can just attack him. Today. Yes, today!
Maybe he’s the one who is holding out. Do you know why? Have you asked? Do you care?
Same advice, put figuring this out on your priority list. Top, preferably.
Why? Because celibacy is something many might strive for before marriage, but should not within it.
Think for a minute how unfair it is. Unless you have an unconventional arrangement of some sort, and if so you are likely talking about sex often anyway, you have asked your husband to be faithful only onto you till death do you part, and you pledged the same to him. It’s not like it’s “ok” for either of you to go out and get some on the side then, now is it?
To be married but celibate is in fact far worse than being single because at least then there is hope the dry spell will end. That there is happiness waiting at the other end of the rainbow.
And here’s a little secret many women don’t know, it’s actually regular and satisfying physical bonding (i.e. sex) that opens up a man emotionally. To him, that is love. And women are said to be looking for emotional bonding as much or more than physical bonding. To her, that is love.
Think of it like a snowball effect: you start rolling the sex ball with no demands of emotional engagement. Just start it down the hill. Soon, it gathers speed and your closed off mate starts opening up and doing things that translate to “love” for you. Spontaneously. Soon it picks up all around. The snowball effect grows and grows. Soon you wouldn’t think of being without that engagement and connection. Happy, happy, joy, joy!
But it doesn’t just happen. Someone has to start the ball down the hill. And since, like it or not, the only person we can control is ourselves, if you want a happy marriage and this is on your heart, well get to rolling, sister.
It might be rocky at first. There may be false starts. That’s ok. Stick it out. Don’t expect anything. Just give.
“Hey, wait?” You may think. You may start to ponder how you should be getting more in return.
Screech. Stop. Hello. It’s not a transaction. It’s something you should give, and give freely. Not something to be traded or bartered or doled out in spoonfuls. It’s not something to be used to get him to do what YOU want.
“But I am not in the mood redpillgirl,” I can hear some say.
Tip: it’s all in your head. Get yourself some female erotica and get to reading. One friend reports her married sex life was never better than when reading the recent runaway success “50 Shades of Grey.” She was attacking her husband daily (sometimes more!), he was loving it, and she never even told him what prompted her sudden off the charts drive. They are still rocking it to this day.
And another perk, sex is good for both of your health. Yep. Reduced stress, reduced depression, lower anxiety, better sleep, reduced risk of cancer, lots and lots of upside await.
Any notions you have that sex is bad, or wrong, or shameful need to be left at the curb. That’s just what people told you to keep you from running around like a jackrabbit before marriage. They forget to add in the caveat, “But once you marry by all means, get busy!”
Even the bible says so! I am not kidding. Consider:
7 Now for the matters you wrote about: “It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman.” 2 But since sexual immorality is occurring, each man should have sexual relations with his own wife, and each woman with her own husband. 3 The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. 4 The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. 5 Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. 6 I say this as a concession, not as a command. 7 I wish that all of you were as I am. But each of you has your own gift from God; one has this gift, another has that.
(Note: This passage is not included to alienate anyone bc of faith, if you practice another faith and know of a similar passage on marriage and sex, by all means please share it in the comments!)
See, even the apostle Paul thinks if you can’t swear to a life of celibacy you should marry and you should be getting busy with your husband for the sake of both your everlasting souls!
Then consider that he has a much higher sex drive than you likely do, and if you aren’t having sex with him you are either asking him to be some kind of unofficial monk with super human powers or you are basically leaving him wide open to be tempted by porn, infidelity, prostitution, addiction, and other problems you don’t want in your marriage. Hoping it won’t happen to you? Not good strategy.
Sometimes it helps me to listen to music to get my mind wrapped around something. In this case I would suggest:
Enjoy! And then just do it! Today!
Let those who have ears hear.