Tags
casual sex, celibacy, divorce, infidelity, libido, love, marriage, porn addiction, red pill, sex, sex drive, sex life
Ladies, something I hear some married (or more often formerly married) men in the manosphere say is that after they got married, the loving that once was a flood trickled or came to a stop.
Some blame marriage itself. They say that once a woman has her man, she no longer wants him.
While I am sure it may be in some cases, I am not convinced that’s exactly what’s going on much of the time.
Maybe your are too tired trying to do and be it all? Maybe you put everything else first? Maybe your libido is lagging? Maybe you are mad at your husband and so you are holding the sex card to your chest? Or maybe other reasons, there are many possible I am sure.
Whatever it is, I would urge you to get it figured out and get your sex life back on track, for your own sake and the sake of your marriage. (Unmarried ladies file this in the “future to-do” category and get things off on the right foot.)
It’s easy to slip into the mistake of taking your relationship as a for granted. It will be there, right?
Bad, bad attitude, sister. Your marriage and connection to your spouse is the pivot the whole rest of your life revolves around, or it should be. Not some afterthought tacked on when you have an extra minute.
Do you know how often your spouse prefers to have sex? And how? And are you guys doing that? And do you talk about these things, not in bed but when you are both well fed and feeling good and maybe in a playful way rather than treating it like some tense Geneva Convention negotiation?
If not, consider trying it. Or if not asking and talking about, maybe your spouse isn’t a talker, experimenting to figure it out yourself.
Or you can just attack him. Today. Yes, today!
Maybe he’s the one who is holding out. Do you know why? Have you asked? Do you care?
Same advice, put figuring this out on your priority list. Top, preferably.
Why? Because celibacy is something many might strive for before marriage, but should not within it.
Think for a minute how unfair it is. Unless you have an unconventional arrangement of some sort, and if so you are likely talking about sex often anyway, you have asked your husband to be faithful only onto you till death do you part, and you pledged the same to him. It’s not like it’s “ok” for either of you to go out and get some on the side then, now is it?
To be married but celibate is in fact far worse than being single because at least then there is hope the dry spell will end. That there is happiness waiting at the other end of the rainbow.
And here’s a little secret many women don’t know, it’s actually regular and satisfying physical bonding (i.e. sex) that opens up a man emotionally. To him, that is love. And women are said to be looking for emotional bonding as much or more than physical bonding. To her, that is love.
Think of it like a snowball effect: you start rolling the sex ball with no demands of emotional engagement. Just start it down the hill. Soon, it gathers speed and your closed off mate starts opening up and doing things that translate to “love” for you. Spontaneously. Soon it picks up all around. The snowball effect grows and grows. Soon you wouldn’t think of being without that engagement and connection. Happy, happy, joy, joy!
But it doesn’t just happen. Someone has to start the ball down the hill. And since, like it or not, the only person we can control is ourselves, if you want a happy marriage and this is on your heart, well get to rolling, sister.
It might be rocky at first. There may be false starts. That’s ok. Stick it out. Don’t expect anything. Just give.
“Hey, wait?” You may think. You may start to ponder how you should be getting more in return.
Screech. Stop. Hello. It’s not a transaction. It’s something you should give, and give freely. Not something to be traded or bartered or doled out in spoonfuls. It’s not something to be used to get him to do what YOU want.
“But I am not in the mood redpillgirl,” I can hear some say.
Tip: it’s all in your head. Get yourself some female erotica and get to reading. One friend reports her married sex life was never better than when reading the recent runaway success “50 Shades of Grey.” She was attacking her husband daily (sometimes more!), he was loving it, and she never even told him what prompted her sudden off the charts drive. They are still rocking it to this day.
And another perk, sex is good for both of your health. Yep. Reduced stress, reduced depression, lower anxiety, better sleep, reduced risk of cancer, lots and lots of upside await.
Any notions you have that sex is bad, or wrong, or shameful need to be left at the curb. That’s just what people told you to keep you from running around like a jackrabbit before marriage. They forget to add in the caveat, “But once you marry by all means, get busy!”
Even the bible says so! I am not kidding. Consider:
7 Now for the matters you wrote about: “It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman.” 2 But since sexual immorality is occurring, each man should have sexual relations with his own wife, and each woman with her own husband. 3 The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. 4 The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. 5 Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. 6 I say this as a concession, not as a command. 7 I wish that all of you were as I am. But each of you has your own gift from God; one has this gift, another has that.
(Note: This passage is not included to alienate anyone bc of faith, if you practice another faith and know of a similar passage on marriage and sex, by all means please share it in the comments!)
See, even the apostle Paul thinks if you can’t swear to a life of celibacy you should marry and you should be getting busy with your husband for the sake of both your everlasting souls!
Then consider that he has a much higher sex drive than you likely do, and if you aren’t having sex with him you are either asking him to be some kind of unofficial monk with super human powers or you are basically leaving him wide open to be tempted by porn, infidelity, prostitution, addiction, and other problems you don’t want in your marriage. Hoping it won’t happen to you? Not good strategy.
Sometimes it helps me to listen to music to get my mind wrapped around something. In this case I would suggest:
Enjoy! And then just do it! Today!
Let those who have ears hear.
I’ve been single my whole life but,k i want to thank you for cautioning women to not make sex transactional. Bears don’t do that, why should people.
I had thought about posting a video of bears mating to demonstrate this principle but, it’s not necessary. Imagination can suffice.
yes Is one thing that can be hard to do is keep that spark alive and burning bright. Yes a good healthy read can often wake the often sleeping subconscious.
Yes Fuzzie, I am thinking that was a good call on not posting, ahem, bear porn! Lol. As for transactional sex in marriage, blech. Just don’t. Agreed.
Thanks for adding that Mystery Man, agreed! Your blog looks very interesting, will have to have a read there as well!
Thanks I hope you find something you like.
Nicely sexist piece. Total nonsense.
I see a lot of cats in your future.
Haha you assume a lot. How do you explain the happily married men having daily sex who cheat and then are pitifully remorseful? I’m married to one 😛 Not to mention the *women* whose sex drive is higher than their husband and they’re not the ones holding back? Or the women who aren’t interested because he treats them badly? I know some of all of those too. Like I said, a lot of sexist nonsense.
Congrats darling! You aren’t officially red pill until some dip$hit calls you sexist
Our darling girl’s post is about married sex life in general and not about you in particular. Wives shutting off sex is much more common then the situations you described. The world is not all about you. You are not special, you are not the center on notesfromaredpillgirl life.
Get over yourself and understand we talk about well documented general trends and not about your life in specific.
Thanks scfton! (Curtsey)
LOL you do make me chuckle darling. Best wishes and all that for you
Oh, well, Ton, she’s solipsistic and all that. Everything is about her. Being that she’s a speshul snowflake and all.
Maybe she’s a heifer or orca? Maybe her man just can’t get it up for her?
Yeah, we know that it’s all the married women who want sex and all the married men who are withholding it from them.
lolz
I notice you can’t answer the questions 🙂 you can only call women names. Well, I hope they see through you for their sakes.
Dear Nephila, I am sorry you experienced the pain of having an unfaithful partner. Please do understand this post is not about that situation, if a woman is in an untrue, abusive situation, or there is drug or alcohol addiction, obviously there are problems beyond the bedroom to address. I am not saying it is always the gal’s fault, or that every marriage will or should work out. This is more directed at those who are in a rut but things are otherwise workable. I hope you have found or do find the real true deal. Every woman deserves that. Peace.
Ah but we were happily married not abusive and had daily sex despite kids. So how do you explain that? The point is the cheater has a false sense of enticement and it doesn’t matter how good the marriage is. So it’s never the betrayed partners fault. Ever. Just like the myth that men cheat because wives let their looks go. And yet models get cheated on. It’s entitlement. And that’s it. If you want to cheat you can always leave first.
Yes agreed. I see what you are saying. Thanks for adding that and sorry you experienced such a painful betrayal. I have been there too. No fun. Peace!
This isn’t my house so I’ll walk small. #1 most of the media an interwebz is focused on the short coming of men. Why do so many women get huffy that some small amount of digital space is more focused on the hardships of men and poor behavior of women?
No one here denied those things occur, but really we have only your side of the story. We know be well.documented research that women often overstate how often a couple has sex, or how well she treats a man. We have no.cause to.believe or disbelieve what you said.
Define abuse? Or poor treatment? The words are over used and have no meaning.
Research points to.most men cheating because their wife nags criticizes etc way to much. That’s for the few men who can cheat. Most struggle to pull just one chick at a time. A man who can pull a model can pull a model who treats him better. And will. Apex fallacy in play
At the end of the day, lots of people do random and destructive things with no real rationale. Pick yourself up and Charlie Mike
I doubt you want to compare cheating spouse stories. Mine was pretty bad, I know men who faced much worse. I get outnumbering, but get over yourself. Your experiences are not the sum total of the world.
Girl, don’t give Nephila any credence. She’s simply parroting feminist talking points. Might not even be female.
We know that women frequently go on sex strikes and sex slowdowns and that these are the primary causes of men cheating. Of course, there are exceptions, but you were addressing broad trends and your post was accurate. No need to apologize to some faceless internet troll.
My answer to Nephila is that men go looking for what they don’t have. So if he was getting sex at home, perhaps he went looking for love, understanding, kindness and support
Nicely sexist piece.
So is that necessarily bad? And if so, how?
Total nonsense.
Really? Every bit of was silly baloney?
Nephila, I guess you’re too stupid to see that your questions were answered.
Already with the shaming? That marks you as a $narky, cold b!tch. Meow.
I’m sorry, but aren’t you twice divorced or something like it?
Nothing personal, I’m sure you are a nice woman; it’s just that hearing marriage advice from a multiply divorced single person is like learning about driving from someone who keeps crashing their cars.
My craydar is going off on this one.
Thanks for the backup theadsgamer!
Hi ruby thanks for commenting. No, I have not been divorced twice. I am curious what brought you here and why? If you don’t find it useful, by all means no need to read further. I simply share my experiences and lessons learned in hopes of helping other women avoid the same, I definitely don’t claim to be perfect or to have done things perfect or even to understand it all now, but I am devoted to learning and growing and sharing that with others. Peace.
The Parable of Mac&Cheese
When we were a kid, we loved Mac&Cheese, because it’s great and it came with Mom’s love.
Somehow we find a woman who shares our love for Mac&Cheese, and she really knows how to prepare it.
After our honeymoon, she makes it special, with green peas mixed in, bacon bits, bread crumbs on top and baked in the oven.
She decides to go vegetarian, so no more bacon bits.
The store runs out of frozen peas one day, but was offering 2-for-1 on bread crumbs. Peas fall by the wayside.
Then the stove gets replaced, and this one is a chore to bake in, so the the bread crumbs are left off so they don’t burn.
She decides that baking is really an unnecessary step, since the Mac&Cheese is cooked through on the stove top.
The kids start making Mac&Cheese, because mom is too tired from her office jobs. The noodles don’t get cooked right.
And then the kids forget to put the cheese in, so now it’s just ButteredMac.
One day the wife comes home, and finds a leftover baked Mac&Cheese with tomatoes and asparagus in the refrigerator.
“Honey, where did this Mac&Cheese come from?”
“Oh, the neighbor lady brought it over. She said I looked hungry…”
“But honey, you know I make you the best Mac&Cheese, even better than Mom made.”
“Sure, but that was years ago. I had to try hers just to remember what cheese tasted like.”
===
Ladies, if you stop being sexy for your man in marriage, he may lose interest in you, but that doesn’t mean he loses interest in sex.
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