Monthly Archives: October 2014

Beware The Greener Grass

30 Thursday Oct 2014

Posted by in Relationships

≈ 22 Comments

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I have been meaning to write this post for some time but have not felt I had the time needed to devote to covering it properly. Well, I still don’t but now I figure I am just going to write something and then I can always flesh it out more in another post because ladies I feel this really this needs to be said: Beware the greener grass.

By greener grass I mean the thinking that getting a divorce is the solution when a marriage struggles, or that struggle is some kind of a “sign” that it’s time to divorce. That life would be better if you got a divorce.

Now that said, I do believe there are some circumstances where divorce is *sometimes* the best option (mainly when there is abuse/addiction/adultery), but even in those cases I have known and seen couples overcome these challenges and end up with a stronger better marriage for it. So even these are not necessarily insurmountable.

But getting back to the greener grass, I would say that a fair amount of the 50% of couples who divorce probably COULD have worked through their issues and ended up in a better place and with the personal growth and knowledge doing so would have led to.

But in our society, what I see is that women are far more supported to leave a marriage than to work on one. The message that “When you aren’t happy, it’s time to move on” is just far too common. And guess what? A lot of time that “not-happy” has little to do with your spouse and a lot to do with your own inner self. In these cases, divorce is not going to solve the issue. It will be there again in the next relationship.

If there *is* a next relationship, that is. According to the statistics, for as many as six in ten divorced women over a certain age, they might end up single indefinitely. This post from a male blogger sums all that data up.

So if you are a lady considering a divorce, I hope you will pause and reconsider. I hope my encouraging you to stick it out will help counter all those “go girl!” voices saying divorce is the answer. (And if you are a man considering divorce, I hope you’ll do the same.)

Because I can tell you, seven years after my own divorce, the grass isn’t greener.

I’ll spare you the nitty gritty but in short, I had every reason to get divorced. My ex was an alcoholic, verbally abusive, emotionally abusive, cold, withdrawn. Then one night, during a stupid argument that was really about a lot more, he raised his hand like he was about to smack me, then instead he threw a beer in my face and shoved me out of the house without our then two-year-old daughter (luckily sleeping at the time) and would not let me back in. I slept at my girlfriend’s house. That night was, in my mind, after 10 years, the final straw.

Good choice, some would say. Heck even if someone told me that story, I might say, “You did all you could. Time to go, girl.”

But what I know now that I did not know then is that he was hurting, badly. For one, he was in deep grief. He had a son from a previous girlfriend and she abruptly moved out of state, breaking all contact with him and his son shortly after we married. (Another long story but because his name was not on the birth certificate, he had no legal rights, or so we thought at the time, but looking back, I am not so sure.) And he was stuck in a dead-end, soul sucking job that he hated. He was deeply, profoundly unhappy and I believe all that was a big part of the drinking and all the rest, not that it made any of that right.

However I will also admit (painfully) that I wasn’t there for him in that time of need, I was not empathetic to what he was going through nor did I offer him much support. Instead, I selfishly focused on what I wasn’t getting, how it was all affecting ME. I picked fights. I threw fits. I made demands. Me, me, me. By focusing on myself instead of on US, I missed the bigger picture. And that I believe was the mistake I made. Had I done differently, perhaps it all would have gone down differently. I’ll never know. And that not knowing haunts me.

He’s quit drinking since and has a new job where he is valued and respected for his skills. He recently remarried. He’s reconnected with his now grown son. He seems happy. And I hope that he is. And I’d be lying if I said I didn’t wish I had waited a little longer, been more understanding, been more constructive, built up my house rather than tear it down with my own hands.

Water the grass you’ve got. That would be my advice.

Let those who have ears hear.

Is That a Yes or a No?

22 Wednesday Oct 2014

Posted by in Sex and Such

≈ 17 Comments

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Ladies, you may have heard about the new “Yes Means Yes” (YMY) law passed in California. If not, in short it says that on all state-funded college campuses in CA, any “sexual activity” has to be proceeded by a clear  “Yes” or it would be considered “sexual assault.”

Those who support the law say it will cut down on the number of sexual encounters under the influence where a person (assumed female) didn’t say “No” because they were too inebriated to. The logic goes if she can’t say “Yes” then it’s sexual assault.

Opponents say it could possibly lead to a lot of false allegations and will only further divide men and women.

I think it’s a bad law and I don’t believe it will prevent what it is intended to prevent.

First of all, many of the the terms used in the law, like “sexual activity,” are pretty vague. Does that mean holding hands? Kissing? First base? Second base? Third base? Home run? And what is “sexual assault” exactly? Rape? Any contact?

Second of all, whether or not a person (assumed male) crossed the line and what the sanctions will be will be determined by the college, not by a police investigation and fair trial in a court of law with guarantees of due process and all the accompanying checks and balances.

Now don’t get, me wrong, I think having sex with someone who is so inebriated (or for whatever the reason) they are not able to say “no” or “yes” because they are not conscious of what is happening is wrong. Or in more precise terms, having sex with passed out drunk chicks is not ok. It’s never been ok. (Nor is having sex with a guy who is unconscious ok.) Rape in any form is not ok. It’s never been ok. If someone is doing that, it should be reported to the police and prosecuted, absolutely.

But requiring there to be a explicit “yes” each and every step of the way along the continuum in any romantic encounter is simply overkill, not going to deter a true rapist, and is just not very romantic to be honest.

Ladies, your best protection against sexual assault and rape is to take ownership of your own safety and well-being, not to rely on outside forces to protect you or to set your limits for you.

For example, don’t drink alcohol in excess unless you are in a setting and with people who are unquestionably safe. Getting drunk to the point of passing out at a party where who knows who is there is simply bad judgement. That’s not me saying a person deserves it, that’s just me saying don’t do it. Don’t put yourself in that position. Don’t rely on someone else to make good decisions for you. You need to be ready and able to make those decisions for yourself. Own your choices. Own your power.

Likewise, you’ve heard this all before but don’t get in a car alone or go somewhere alone with anyone you don’t absolutely know and trust. Always take responsibility for your personal safety and take precautions to avoid situations where you could be at risk of sexual assault. Go out in groups. Or meet someone new in a public location. Let friends know who you are with and where you are going and check in with them for safety. Don’t let someone you don’t want to be alone with isolate you. Don’t leave your drink unattended. Don’t drink anything anyone else hands you. Be ready to defend yourself if needed.

And realize it’s a dangerous world. Bad things happen. Bad things could happen to you. Realize that you could get raped. Realize that YOU are the best person to prevent that from happening. Don’t leave that up to someone else, to school officials, to the government, to strangers, to outside forces, to chance.

Again, I am not saying that a girl who makes bad choices deserves what she gets or women who get raped necessarily made bad choices or could have avoided it. But I am saying that by making good choices you can avoid most if not all of the most common situations where you could get sexually assaulted or raped. And you should be making those good choices. That is your responsibility, as an adult. That is your responsibility, to yourself.

I know, I sound like your mom. Or if your mom hasn’t said this to you, she should.

Bottom line, laws like this operate on the assumption that people can’t handle freedom, so government needs to intervene. And guess what? That only leads to less freedom. We women wanted rights. We women wanted choices. We women wanted freedom. And now we women need to take ownership of the responsibility we wanted, not cry “victim” and look to outside forces to do it for us.

Let those who have ears hear.