break ups, co-parenting, commitment, custody, dating, divorce, marriage, red pill, relationships
I have been meaning to write this post for some time but have not felt I had the time needed to devote to covering it properly. Well, I still don’t but now I figure I am just going to write something and then I can always flesh it out more in another post because ladies I feel this really this needs to be said: Beware the greener grass.
By greener grass I mean the thinking that getting a divorce is the solution when a marriage struggles, or that struggle is some kind of a “sign” that it’s time to divorce. That life would be better if you got a divorce.
Now that said, I do believe there are some circumstances where divorce is *sometimes* the best option (mainly when there is abuse/addiction/adultery), but even in those cases I have known and seen couples overcome these challenges and end up with a stronger better marriage for it. So even these are not necessarily insurmountable.
But getting back to the greener grass, I would say that a fair amount of the 50% of couples who divorce probably COULD have worked through their issues and ended up in a better place and with the personal growth and knowledge doing so would have led to.
But in our society, what I see is that women are far more supported to leave a marriage than to work on one. The message that “When you aren’t happy, it’s time to move on” is just far too common. And guess what? A lot of time that “not-happy” has little to do with your spouse and a lot to do with your own inner self. In these cases, divorce is not going to solve the issue. It will be there again in the next relationship.
If there *is* a next relationship, that is. According to the statistics, for as many as six in ten divorced women over a certain age, they might end up single indefinitely. This post from a male blogger sums all that data up.
So if you are a lady considering a divorce, I hope you will pause and reconsider. I hope my encouraging you to stick it out will help counter all those “go girl!” voices saying divorce is the answer. (And if you are a man considering divorce, I hope you’ll do the same.)
Because I can tell you, seven years after my own divorce, the grass isn’t greener.
I’ll spare you the nitty gritty but in short, I had every reason to get divorced. My ex was an alcoholic, verbally abusive, emotionally abusive, cold, withdrawn. Then one night, during a stupid argument that was really about a lot more, he raised his hand like he was about to smack me, then instead he threw a beer in my face and shoved me out of the house without our then two-year-old daughter (luckily sleeping at the time) and would not let me back in. I slept at my girlfriend’s house. That night was, in my mind, after 10 years, the final straw.
Good choice, some would say. Heck even if someone told me that story, I might say, “You did all you could. Time to go, girl.”
But what I know now that I did not know then is that he was hurting, badly. For one, he was in deep grief. He had a son from a previous girlfriend and she abruptly moved out of state, breaking all contact with him and his son shortly after we married. (Another long story but because his name was not on the birth certificate, he had no legal rights, or so we thought at the time, but looking back, I am not so sure.) And he was stuck in a dead-end, soul sucking job that he hated. He was deeply, profoundly unhappy and I believe all that was a big part of the drinking and all the rest, not that it made any of that right.
However I will also admit (painfully) that I wasn’t there for him in that time of need, I was not empathetic to what he was going through nor did I offer him much support. Instead, I selfishly focused on what I wasn’t getting, how it was all affecting ME. I picked fights. I threw fits. I made demands. Me, me, me. By focusing on myself instead of on US, I missed the bigger picture. And that I believe was the mistake I made. Had I done differently, perhaps it all would have gone down differently. I’ll never know. And that not knowing haunts me.
He’s quit drinking since and has a new job where he is valued and respected for his skills. He recently remarried. He’s reconnected with his now grown son. He seems happy. And I hope that he is. And I’d be lying if I said I didn’t wish I had waited a little longer, been more understanding, been more constructive, built up my house rather than tear it down with my own hands.
Water the grass you’ve got. That would be my advice.
Let those who have ears hear.
I think Dalock has some better posts that are full of charts. The bottom line is don’t dump hubby. There is a full on remarriage strike going on fueled by men who feel that they were betrayed.
Here’s apost from Dalrock with lots of charts.
Don’t do it.
Thanks for posting that fuzzie! That was the link I was looking for 🙂
Happy to help! I’d better sign off before I embarass myself singing your praises.
That’s looks like a big honest statement right there. I’m guessing you’re a country person at heart. There’s just something about it… I could be wrong? Anyway, I’m used to that sort of big-mindedness in my sisters and relatives, but not so much in the world out there.
You better watch out, Bloom, or you’re in danger of becoming a unicorn!
Farm Boy said:
One aspect is that when one gets older, life becomes less exciting. Guys cope with this because they are used to dealing with their own problems, and this really not a biggie. However, women expect more. And if they are not happy, then somebody must be to blame. Guess who?
For some odd reason, something like this cannot be a natural part of life. Perhaps it is because there is so much benefit to being a victim.
I do live in a rural area and also grew up in a small town but have also spent time in San Francisco, Seattle, and New York. I mean every word of this, I hope it helps some people avoid a similar path. Peace!
True Farm Boy. But there are lots of better ways to make life exciting than blowing up your marriage and family. Far too many people project their own stuff onto a spouse only to find they still have those same struggles later. As fuzzie said, just don’t. If it can at all be avoided, don’t. Life ebbs and flows, no need to create your own rapids. Life delivers plenty enough rapids already. Peace.
Awww now, I am a cracked pot just like the rest!
You are NOT a cracked pot! Yu’re unual in thayou are NAWALT. I wish tha ould fiure out how to clone you. That would make for some happy boys.
Thanks Fuzzie, I’ve learned a lot of this the hard way but I suppose it’s better than never learning it. I hope I can help my daughters avoid some of my missteps and maybe this blog might help inject some red pill thinking into the minds of other women open to another path. If sharing my experiences helps even one person take a different path, I will be happy. And much of this I have learned from the manosphere in my own quest to understand what’s wrong and how to do it right! Unicorn in training!
And also Fuzzie, as I have said before, I would really rather NOT have all these stories to tell. I admire folks like Liz, who even though they marry young, for some reason they “get” what’s important. I still remember Liz saying the secret to being married for 20 years is (I am paraphrasing) to have a very short memory. Or in other words to NOT keep bringing up your partner’s every mistake, to NOT stew on it, to NOT let your mind go there. That Liz is one smart cookie! When I grow up, I want to be like Liz! 🙂
It does make me happy to find aviation videos for Liz. She can share them with her husband. I have to say that she does have a point. Fostering resentment in a bad way to go.
And no, you don’t have to grow up to be like Liz. She was fortunate to meet her one and only early on.
True but I think she also somehow had the wisdom to do different than the social norm in her approach to her marriage and I admire that greatly! Liz should write a blog about that! 🙂
Another thing Liz has mentioned on the other blog was how she took a supportive role rather than engage in power struggles. I think that is another thing she was wise to do as far to many marriages today seem to break down along those lines. I may write another blog post about that! 🙂
Thinking about Liz, she may be best described as “old school”. For may of us , the old school is the best school. You may be able to use this in future posts.
As for you, could you be coming around to this on your own?
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Good data on those links. But some of the most important numbers perspectives were overlooked.
1) Men die off quicker than women. I wish I still had the chart available that showed the ratio of (unmarried) eligible women to eligible men. That chart would probably be less accurate now with the divorce rate creeping up. But the gist of the matter ladies is the older you are when you become single, the more competition you get from other women for a shrinking pool of men. The demographic of men who score big time? … men in nursing homes.
2) Divorce rate for second and third marriages. This one I do have the link for:
I’ll summarize and save you some reading. About 2/3 of second marriages end in divorce, and about 3/4 of third marriages end in divorce.
So, there is someone here for whom the grass IS greener; single older men who do not want to get married…in theory. In practice I don’t find all that many divorced women attractive enough to put out the effort to date, for all the reasons covered in previous blog posts here.
A former landlord of mine, really good looking, financially secure, and heart of gold, does go through the motions of dating. He dates a lot of women, mostly ones he finds on the dating sites. He groaned to me recently how he just wanted to find a woman he could fall in love with. With him it wasn’t for lack of trying, it was for lack of suitable candidates.
For women who continue to think after reading this blog post that the grass is greener, well, I gaze into my crystal ball and see many cats in your future.
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