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Notes From a Red Pill Girl

~ A site for women interested in a red pill perspective (where men are welcome too!)

Notes From a Red Pill Girl

Monthly Archives: November 2014

Guest Post By Ezzy: The Secret to Choosing Your Man

28 Friday Nov 2014

Posted by redpillgirlnotes in Relationships

≈ 29 Comments

Tags

advice to a daughter, dating, divorce, marriage, red pill, relationships

The following comment was posted in response to another blog post but I felt it worthy of its own guest post.

This comes from “Ezzy” who is a happily married woman living in New Zealand, the secret advice her mother gave to her and hers before that and the advice “Ezzy” gives her own daughters on how to choose a man to marry. Enjoy!

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“I followed the advices my mother had received from her mother, and so on, going back many generations. I have passed the same advices to my daughters. I was told these advices were too precious to be owned, that each woman was a caretaker of them until she passed them on to the next caretaker. On seeing her daughter heed them, the weight of responsibility becomes sunlight on a mother’s shoulders.

My ancestors knew all about female ‘group think’ (as it is now called) long ago, except they decided to apply it vertically (through the generations) rather than horizontally (across present generations). They saw the vertical approach as a strength and the horizontal as a fatal flaw. We draw our strength from all woman before us who have heeded the advices. All women have the capacity to carry them within.

Love a man for his character, that is the base, and all else is ‘learning steps’ about each other, some delightful, some painful. Feel it from the wisdom of women who committed to men of good character in the past. This was instilled in me so strongly, good character became the romance of my dreams at an early age. My imaginary Prince Charmings thrilled me with their integrity, empathy, steadfastness and power of good character. I married a man who could not have taken my heart had he not been first and foremost a good man.

Once committed, for as long as he stands to the contract and he shows his commitment by his words and actions, we will honor it. Whenever we start to feel critical or impatient, or (most fatally of all) start ‘comparing our lot’, we feel the support of the sisterhood who started failing in the past and yet stayed strong.”

Required Reading for Dating Success

25 Tuesday Nov 2014

Posted by redpillgirlnotes in Relationships

≈ 71 Comments

Tags

bad boys, break up, break ups, causal sex, commitment, courtship, dating, dating success, divorce, hookups, how men think, marriage, monogamy, red pill, relationships, single independant woman, what guys want, what men want

Ladies, you’ve likely heard of the book “The Rules” but have you heard of the blog “The Rules Revisited?” If not, may I humbly suggest you go there right now and get to reading? (Well OK, maybe finish reading this first…)

The blog’s author, Andrew, doesn’t pull any punches when it comes to telling it how it is from a guy’s point of view, but if you can set aside reacting to what he’s saying emotionally, I guarantee you will learn things about men and dating that you have never seen, heard, or read anywhere else.

When I stumbled across his blog about a year ago, trying to figure out the puzzling behavior of someone I had just broken off with at the time, it was like having a light click on. I realized much of what I have been told about how dating works (usually by women authors) simply wasn’t true. And while some of what Andrew had to say hit close to home, I couldn’t stop reading. Suddenly a lot about men and dating that had never made sense before came together. I read every post.

Mostly Andrew points out the things he sees women doing wrong or the mistakes they are making when it comes to relating to men as well as revealing from a man’s point of view how they feel about dating and relationships and how a gal can make herself stand out from the crowd.

His blog also taught me what signs to watch for that revealed if a guy was just looking for fun, or if he was looking for a future. And his blog taught me that to find what I wanted, I had to be very focused and willing to cut bait early into dating someone new if I saw those signs, to be brutally honest with myself, rather than to stick it out and hope for the best, while meanwhile allowing guys who liked me or were attracted to me but who had no interest in commitment or a shared future tie up my time or availability to meet someone who was. Ruthless? Maybe. Smart? Absolutely.

Another thing I learned was that at 42, I did not have any time to waste. Lots of men still wanted to date me, but I learned I needed to shift my focus from the larger pool of guys who wanted to “just date” to the much smaller pool of guys who were looking to marry.  I realized if I wanted to find someone and get remarried, the time to make that happen was NOW. Yesterday, actually, because at 42 the odds were rapidly shifting against my favor. And I learned whatever marks against me I had in my “value” were my responsibility to compensate for or overcome if I wanted to find my best possible mate. And of course, to also recognize that there is a lot of competition for those great guys, so if I wanted one, I had to be all in. No games.

I cannot say enough how much this blog taught me. If it were not for his writings I am sure I would still be making the same old mistakes instead of currently dating a great guy who is all in, and who is not afraid to talk about or plan our future, together.

Likewise, if it were not for Andrew’s blog, I probably would not have had my head on straight enough to know it wasn’t only about finding him, it was also about  being the kind of woman a man like him was looking for. I brought (and bring, every single day) my best, too. Not a bunch of silly girl games and drama like “The Rules” and other dating advice books encourage.

Trust me ladies, Andrew tells it like it is but if you don’t want to waste time and energy on relationships that will go nowhere and instead to find one that will, check his blog out!

Let those who have ears hear.

10 Surprising Things Guys Like in a Women

24 Monday Nov 2014

Posted by redpillgirlnotes in Relationships

≈ 86 Comments

Tags

beauty, casual sex, commitment, courtship, dating, divorce, gender, gender roles, happiness, heartbreak, infidelity, love, marriage, men, red pill, relationships, romance, sex, strong independant female, submission, true love, what men want

In the past year or so that I have been lurking about the manosphere reading what men have to say about love, marriage, relationships, and women, I have learned some surprising things, like they wish women would:

1. Be pleasant: That sounds easy, right? But far too many men say it’s is really hard to find. Today, men say it’s far easier to find what they don’t like in a woman: sassy, gossipy, self-absorbed, nagging, bragging, adversarial, independent, argumentative, drama-driven, immodest, and immoral.

2. Ask About What He Likes: Many men say they feel like far too many women seem to think a relationship means everything and anything SHE wants. Guess what? He had feelings, wants, needs, and dreams, too! Ask about them. Then remember and do your best to implement them into your time together. From as small as what’s his favorite cookie? Meal? Drink? Ice cream? To planning a trip to a place he’s always wanted to go, these actions will lead to huge bonus points for you!

3. Be Loyal: Men like it when women have their back in public (even if you politely disagree later in private). Guys also say it’s very appealing to know you won’t run him down to others. And you would think it would go without saying, but lots of men say far too many gals leave them wondering if they could be faithful, or would cheat if they got the chance. Men are very loyal minded. Trust is big.

4. Look Pretty: Men are very visual. And they like when women look pretty. Yep. I am not making this up! Skirts, dresses, flattering jewelry, attractive hair and makeup, and other “girly” touches make a guy visually happy. Not that he doesn’t like “the natural you” but he likes “the feminine flair you,” too. And he notices. Not that it has to be over the top. Think Marianne, not Ginger.

5. Be Supportive: Men say they can’t resist those gals that act like a first mate, not ones who war for the captain’s chair. A relationship is you two against the world, not you two against each other. Yet, men say they aren’t looking for doormats, either. Being supportive of his career, goals, dreams, hobbies, and struggles will pay off for you both. Oh and have your own dreams and goals, too. Men like to hear about and help you achieve those, too.

6. Have Your Finances in Order: Guys say too many women they have met seem to spend every penny they have, and then some. Debt isn’t attractive. And men especially don’t like women who seem to have a get out of debt plan of, “Find Price Charming who will deal with it.” Um yeah, nope. A woman who has financial self-control shows good partner potential.

7. Show Don’t Tell: Women tend to verbalize what they are thinking and feeling much more than men do. A man would rather his gal show him how she feels about him by being affectionate, attentive, and kind than by talking about it for hours on end (while not noticing he’s awkwardly wondering how to escape!)

8. Keep It Simple: Women’s minds are always on the go. We enjoy talking out loud with our gal pals, dissecting our every emotion and experience, pondering all the possible options and outcomes, and breaking it all down. Guys? Not so much. Guys are more bottom line. When you REALLY want to make a point, keep it to 5 words or less.

9. Maintain Respect: It’s been said that if they had to choose between respect and love, they would choose respect. Women usually answer the opposite – love. Obviously both are important. But you will get a lot of “street cred” with a guy by showing him respect, and especially keeping your emotional cool during heated moments. Focus on resolving the issue, not attacking his character.

10. Love Him True: Even some of the most gruff guys in the manosphere show a soft side when they talk about love. Men love with a devotion that few women can fathom, it is so different from our own feeling-based love. They say once a man loves a woman, he makes that choice and then will love her forever after unless she actively takes steps to destroy that bond. (And yes, his heart can hurt badly too, so be gentle with it.)

They don’t really sound all that hard to do, nor are they really anything new, buy guys say these traits are extremely hard to find in a woman, yet highly attractive. Why not adopt these irresistible habits?

Let those who have ears hear. And please feel free to add your own thoughts in the comments. Have I left anything out?

Why Do We Follow The Herd?

21 Friday Nov 2014

Posted by redpillgirlnotes in Red Pill

≈ 23 Comments

Tags

alpha, alpha female, alpha male, apex alpha, beta, blue pill, divorce, economy, feminism, group think, herd, red pill, sexual revolution, social norms

You might remember as a kid hearing your mom say something along the lines of, “Just because everyone else jumps off a cliff, that doesn’t mean you have to, too.”

And yet, it’s hard to deny that there’s a powerful pressure to run with the pack if you want to fit in. People (and some would say especially women) care a great deal about how others think of them.

In this insightful essay about the hierarchy of the herd, the author explores why this is and how this herd mentality drives social norms, movements, and individual behavior more than we may consciously realize.

One thing the red pill philosophy encourages is to question everything you think you know is true. And when you do, before long chances are you’ll come to the very uncomfortable realization that a lot of what you thought was true actually isn’t. And that a lot of the thoughts and decisions you thought were your own, aren’t.

It can be such an uncomfortable experience that many would rather deny, deny, deny than face the truth. Even if what they are doing isn’t working. Even if what they are doing will never work.

As the above essay points out, there can also be stiff penalties for not following, speaking out against, or going against the herd.  Even when the herd is headed right toward a cliff.

For example, I would argue that the herd is currently headed (stampeding, really)  in a very dangerous direction. The herd is destabilizing, derailing, and destroying much of what made our society work, relationships and marriages work, families work, our economy work, our government work, our schools work, western civilization work.

Look around. Examples of this are everywhere. (This next part is admittedly America-centric but I am an American woman so it is what I know.) In a country where people have experienced unparalleled prosperity and freedom, we are instead of rising to the top, racing to the bottom. Why? The herd.

Mark my words, there is a cliff straight ahead. Whether you believe me or not, the law of gravity applies just the same.

Let those who have ears hear.

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But that’s just what I think. What do you think? Are things getting better, or worse? Why or why not?

Meet Your Inner Hamster

18 Tuesday Nov 2014

Posted by redpillgirlnotes in Red Pill

≈ 21 Comments

Tags

adultery, bad boys, break ups, casual sex, cheating, crisis, divorce, hamster, marriage, one night stand, ONS, red pill, relationships

There’s a saying in the red pill world for what happens when someone lets their mind rationalize taking actions they know they shouldn’t — listening to the hamster. If you get caught or your actions lead to consequences, the hamster is there to help you explain it away or to blame it on anyone but yourself.

The hamster is that little voice that says, “Go ahead, you deserve it,” or “Normally you shouldn’t do that, but because of X, Y, Z it’s OK.” Think of it as similar to the old imagery of having an angel sitting on one shoulder advising you to do what’s right, and a devil sitting on the other shoulder urging you to give in to temptation. The hamster would be the one dressed in red.

Some might say to “hamster” is a female thing, but I have seen men do it too. I’d say everyone “hamsters” now and again, and some make it practically a way of life. Being aware of the hamster is a good first step in making sure it doesn’t just hop on that wheel and spin, spin, spin you right into making bad choices and life altering decisions.

For example, many people who have affairs let their hamsters talk them into it. They feel an attraction to someone other than their spouse, and instead of realizing that every now and then it’s going to happen, but remembering they committed to their spouse, so they choose not to act on the attraction, they let the hamster get going and the literally talk themselves into why “it’s OK, under the circumstances” for them to cheat. The hamster leads them right into a divorce.

Another example might be the single person who talks themselves into having a one night stand with the sexy stranger they met at the nightclub. “Nobody will ever know,” the hamster might say. Or “Everyone else is doing it, why should they have all the fun?” Or even, “Having sex with whoever you want whenever you want is normal and healthy and empowering.” The hamster leads them right into a sexually transmitted disease or an unplanned pregnancy.

Other times the hamster leads you astray in smaller ways, like putting off doing something you know you need to get done, or encouraging you to cut corners that shouldn’t be cut, or to let your wants steer your priorities over your needs.

Your hamster also has no loyalty. Other people can actually use your hamster against you, purposely feeding it pellets to get you to do what they want you to do, even though they know and you know you shouldn’t.

See that’s the trouble with the hamster. It always gives bad advice. Self destructive advice. Life imploding advice. The hamster doesn’t care if it causes you to lose your job, your reputation, your family, or even your freedom. The hamster lives in the moment. The hamster is purely hedonistic. The hamster says, “If it feels good, do it!”

And as we see on the news or in real life, far too many people let their hamster run wild. I am sure you can think of several examples of this pretty easily. Today it’s almost expected. Concepts such as morality and restraint and self-control are considered “old-fashioned” by many, relics of an age gone by. Life isn’t like that anymore, some would say. Times have changed.

But have they? Have times really changed? All one needs to do is to look back in history and literature. From the bible to Greek and Roman myths to Shakespeare’s plays, these texts are rife with tales of people lying, cheating, stealing, murdering, and so on. People are the same as they have always been. Bad choices are the same as they have always been.

Let’s not kid ourselves. It’s pretty clear there’s never been an age of innocence. And the consequences of these actions are also still the same as they have always been, even if the hamster tells you different. What’s changed is the social pressure to resist the hamster has been lifted. We live in a “I’m OK, you’re OK, live and let live” world.

And tolerance is a good quality. Don’t get me wrong. Tolerating individual differences is much better than burning people at the stake. But tolerance can be a sticky wicket when the hamster has its way.

Think of it this way, letting your hamster guide your life choices is pretty much like taking advice from the guests of the Jerry Springer Show. That’s how much sense your hamster has. The hamster is going to choose the low road every time. The hamster is what gets people on the Jerry Springer Show.

So next time you find yourself thinking about doing something that you know you really shouldn’t, put the hamster back in the cage. While you may miss out on some “fun” in the moment, I can guarantee that in the long run you will have a much happier, healthier, abundant life for it. Doing the right thing is never a bad choice. Doing the right thing never goes out of style. And doing the right thing will never steer you wrong.

Let those who have ears hear.

Secrets of a Single Mom

17 Monday Nov 2014

Posted by redpillgirlnotes in Uncategorized

≈ 34 Comments

Tags

custody, divorce, feminism, Insomnia, parenting, red pill, single mom

I have not gotten a solid 8 hours of sleep in years. Last night I got three. Interrupted twice by a three-year-old yelling, “mommy” from the other room. The alarm will go off in 10 minutes. Then my day will start. A flurry of getting school clothes and lunches packed and kids dropped off followed by somehow getting 12 hours of work done in a five hour window before school is over and the babysitter drops the kids back off. And oh yeah, I am sick. But it doesn’t matter because it’s all me. If I don’t do it, nobody will. Like the laundry, dishes, gardening, housecleaning. I do all that, too.  Yep. Living the glamorous life. The single independant woman.

Who needs a man? Like a fish needs a bicycle, right?

What a crock.

Let those who have ears hear.

Beware the Divorce Fantasy

14 Friday Nov 2014

Posted by redpillgirlnotes in Relationships

≈ 18 Comments

Tags

break up, break ups, divorce, frivorce, marriage, red pill, relationships

I was talking with a friend who has been struggling in her marriage for some time, and as we talked about it, I had an ah-ha moment. What I realized is she was repeating a mistake I made myself, and have seen others make as well.

The mistake was that once she started considering the possibility of a divorce, she can’t seem to stop thinking about it. Like a tumor, this thought keeps growing and festering. Every time something goes wrong between her and her husband, she now jumps right this this thought rather than to more constructive ones focused on understanding or fixing the issues.

I have heard it said this is how suicidal thought work, they grow and grow, almost becoming an obsession. The person eventually talks themselves into believing suicide is the *only* solution and that they must act on the thought.

As my friend and I talked, I noticed she was rejecting any constructive advice about steps she might take to turn her marriage around. Over and over she said, “That won’t work…” or “I tried that…” or some other such excuse. This is another thing that happens when thoughts of divorce take hold. The person starts to only focus on information and advice that confirms that path as the solution, literally shutting out all of the other options.

So why does my friend want a divorce? Because she thinks she would be happier and that life would be easier if she wasn’t married. And I think that frankly, she’s bored and in a rut herself. Instead of owning or recognizing that, she projects it onto her spouse. He’s the reason her life isn’t all she wants it to be, when actually the person who is really holding her back is herself.

Don’t get me wrong, in some cases divorce may be the best option. Some people aren’t good together and are drawn to each other for all the wrong reasons. Some marriages truly are toxic. If her husband was unfaithful, or abusive, or an addict I might understand where she is coming from. But I have asked and probed to see if it’s the case and nope. It truly seems to be simple boredom.

Her husband isn’t a bad guy, he’s just an average guy. It’s true he’s not terribly exciting but then again, guys who are terribly exciting rarely make good husbands. Her husband is predictable, and reliable, and stable. He’s average looking, average height, makes average money, and enjoys average guy things. Maybe she could do better, but she also could do a lot worse. And not to be unkind, but she’s pretty average as well. And I think that’s really what’s bothering her, she isn’t happy with herself. A divorce (or as some in the manosphere have nicknamed this type of divorce, a frivorce) won’t fix that.

Another thing I have noticed as we talk about her thoughts of divorce, she pictures life on her own as some sort of utopian fantasy land where nothing ever goes wrong, everything is suddenly perfect, she can do and have whatever she wants, and there is no downside. In her mind, the grass is unrealistically, almost psychedelically green on the other side of the divorce fence.

But as a divorced person, I know that’s not true. It’s totally unrealistic. Life continues to have it’s ups and down after a divorce, just like it does when someone is married. And a lot of the “problems” I thought would go away after I divorced, didn’t. They are still there. And in some cases they are even bigger now.

So I gently and with love pointed all this out to my friend, and told her I knew what she was doing because I had done it too, then reminded her to beware the power of her thoughts. I hope the next time her mind turns to thoughts of divorce, she will remember if she’s not careful, she’s going to talk herself right into it. And I hope that thought will help shift her thoughts away from this divorce fantasy and back onto actually fixing the problems.

Let those who have ears hear.

How Rites of Passage Help Us Grow Up

14 Friday Nov 2014

Posted by redpillgirlnotes in Gender

≈ 14 Comments

Tags

adolescent, American culture, arrested development, bad boys, casual sex, cougars, courtship, dating, grow up, growing up, immaturity, juvenile, man, marriage, maturity, MILF, peter pan syndrome, red pill, rites of passage, stages of life, teenager, virginity, woman

A post on another manosphere blog brought up the interesting idea that perhaps some of the problems encountered by men (and women) today are a result of not having defined rites of passage that mark the passage of childhood into manhood and womanhood.

As part of the “X” generation, I would have to agree that it’s not uncommon to see women and men in their 30s, 40s, 50s,m and even 60s largely living as they did in their late teens or early 20s. Grown women dressing in their teen daughter’s fashions, so-called “cougar” women prowling nightclubs for no-strings casual sex with men in their 20s, 40-something year old men still living like a college kid, or men buying red sports cars and dating women much younger are just a few examples of adults who seem to be having trouble “growing up.”

For women, rights of passage have largely been biological events tied to her fertility and ability to bear children. When a girl gets her first period, people often say, “she’s a woman now” even if she is only in her early teens. In the past, families might have publicly announced their daughters were “of age” by hosting a debutante or other event to indicate she was available for and seeking marriage.

For men, rites of passage usually include some sort of sequestering with older men in their family or community and physical, mental, and spiritual challenges that once passed, make him a “man.” In American culture, these often brutal (in women’s eyes) rites of passage have mostly been eliminated and many men report there is no moment when they can clearly feel they went from being a boy to being a man. Likewise, with more and more boys being raised by single mothers, many boys today don’t have regular contact with a male role model who can guide them in learning the skills to be a man.

In the message board discussion on men and rites of passage I thought it was interesting that the men insisted only men can teach a boy to be a man. At rites of passage ceremonies, only men are allowed because the activities that take place are so physically or emotionally challenging, women would likely try to intervene. However, these men insisted that for a boy to become a man, passing such tests was the best path to becoming a man.

Today’s youth have few rites of passage. For both men and women, losing one’s virginity is one. For men, killing their first deer or winning a major sporting event, or getting their first job might be the closest they have to male rites of passage. Many teens move out on their own, not really feeling like they are “men” or “women” yet.

A friend who is a therapist once told me that children getting their needs met in childhood and being part of a secure, loving home is the best way parents can prepare their children to move out and face the world fearlessly, expecting good things and success, while those children raised in dysfunctional or broken homes are more likely to feel unequipped and afraid to take this step and to cling to or long for a longer childhood.

Others have speculated that the baby boomer generation was the first American generation to resist growing up. Rather than to progress through the stages of life: child, teen, young wo/man, married adult, parent, empty nester, then grandparent — many boomers wanted to define their own path creating a culture of perpetual adolescence, the first “me” generation.

Perhaps it’s time to bring back rites of passage? And the concept that life does happen in stages, and that people should embrace each as they come and and then prepare to move on to the next stage and embrace that, each in turn, rather than to try to pretend they are in a different life stage than they are.

What do you think?

Inside a World Without Feminism

12 Wednesday Nov 2014

Posted by redpillgirlnotes in Fempire

≈ 31 Comments

Tags

beauty, break ups, casual sex, celibacy, co-parenting, courtship, custody, dating, divorce, faith, feminine, feminism, feminist, gender, gender roles, masculine, parenting, post-feminist, red pill, single parenting, traditional

Have you ever wondered what life might look like in a world untouched by feminism and the sexual revolution? As someone born after all that happened, I often wonder, were “the good old days” actually better, or are people remembering them with rose-colored glasses?

About three years ago, I hired a local 16-year-old girl to babysit my girls after school three days a week. S. and her family belong to a religious group similar to Amish (No TV, music, or Internet but electricity and cars and western clothing are ok). There is a fairly large group of folks in my area who are members of this group, but because they rarely mingle with “outsiders”  most people know little about the way they live or what they believe. But thanks to my relationship with S., I have been given a glimpse into this closed world, and it’s been fascinating.

The religion has its origins in Scandinavia and came to my area at the turn of the century when believers of this faith moved to the new world. Cut off from the church in Europe, this group is still practicing the faith as it was when they imported it over 150 years ago.

They have allowed some “modern conveniences” such as electricity, cell phones,  and automobiles, but shun media like television, music, and the Internet. They do not drink alcohol. Gender roles are very traditional, with men largely employed in the building trades and women taking care of the home and children. They marry young, right out of high school, and have large families, often numbering 10 children or more.

Women do not cut their hair and often wear it swept up in a messy bun. Make up is not allowed, although most of the girls really don’t need it, as they have this unique fresh scrubbed Scandinavian glowing beauty similar to this girl. Most are blue-eyed blondes, although there is a smattering of brunettes and red heads among them.

Prior to meeting S. I, like many “moderns,” had a lot of misconceptions about what life in this faith must be like. I imagined the women were uneducated, oppressed, unhappy, and trapped in a life toiling away in domestic drudgery. After all, how could they possibly be happy, my post-feminist worldviews told me?

But what I saw was something entirely different. S. was very education focused and had attended both public school and been home schooled at her own choice. (Many of the valedictorians at local high schools are girls of this faith.) At the time she started watching my girls, age 16, she was in a program that allowed her to attend community college during her junior and senior years of high school. She graduated with her high school diploma and her associates degree the same week. At 19, she is now one quarter away from completing her bachelor’s degree in early childhood education. She plans to operate an in home daycare.

In fact while many of the women in this faith don’t work outside the home, I have discovered that does not mean they aren’t entrepreneurial. Many work at home administrating their husband’s construction-related businesses, taking calls, scheduling estimates, keeping the books. Others are involved in the vintage flea market trade, buying and refinishing furniture sold through local antique shops. Yet others, like S., go into daycare.

Likewise their homes are cozy and well run. They seem to take a “busy hands, happy heart” approach to life, and rather than begrudge household chores, they seem to revel in them — taking joy in cooking, keeping and decorating house, and doing immaculate laundry. The women seem to have ample time to spend the afternoons visiting with each other, and their homes are a busy social setting with other ladies coming and going.

While motherhood and family are celebrated, in cases where a woman is unable to have children, they do not seem to be shunned or looked down upon. For example, one woman I know was diagnosed with leukemia during her first pregnancy and because of the treatments was only able to have the one child. She’s accepted in her community regardless, although many women of this faith do grieve deeply when their childbearing years come to an end, even after having as many as 13 children, because each child is seen as a bonus and a blessing rather than as a burden. I also know another woman of this faith who is less traditional, quietly practices birth control, and only has two children. She does not report anyone questioning her or judging her for not having more children.

Young adults (men and women) can also decide to leave the faith with their family’s blessings. Once married, however, very few divorce or leave the church. Couples are expected to make their marriages work, and even when unhappy, to find meaning or happiness otherwise and to honor their commitment. Divorce usually results in shunning by the entire church community, so the decision to divorce is not just about their spouse, it is a decision to divorce nearly everyone and everything they have ever known. (However, as a divorced single mom I have never felt judged by S. or her family, either. They have always treated me most graciously, with kindness and respect.)

While make up is discouraged, that does not mean the women are drab or without style. In fact they (and their children) are usually immaculately groomed and beautifully dressed in modest but flattering clothing made from high quality natural fiber, topped off with flair from colorful scarves, and stylish leather boots and bags. Despite the fact that these women are nearly continuously pregnant from the age of 19 on, it is rare for them to be overweight and curiously I almost never see them out and about when obviously pregnant.

The community seems to have a “clan” mentality. When S. married last winter, just weeks after turning 19, her new husband was given a job as an apprentice electrician in her Grandfather’s electrical company where chances are he will work for the rest of his life and perhaps someday become a partner. The clans work together to keep everyone working, and most families have all the trades needed in-house to build a home from bare ground to finished product. They help their own, securing work and jobs as a team. If I ever need a craftsman of any type, from drywall to paving to plumbing to electrical, all I have to do is ask S. and she has a reference for me in under 5 minutes. All of the craftsmen I have hired on her recommendation have done exquisite work and they are exceedingly honest, sticking to the original bid to the penny even if the job takes them longer than they thought.

On summer weekends, these clans can often be seen at local parks enjoying a day off. The women busy themselves with visiting and cooking elaborate spreads while the men relax and talk shop. The children run around in immense packs, and because almost every woman has 5 or more sisters as well as 5 or more sister in-laws, there is a many hands make light work approach. The unmarried young women oversee the young children. My children and I benefit by proxy, in the rare moment when I have a meeting or doctor appointment and S. is not available to watch my kids because of her school schedule or another commitment, she has three younger sisters who always are eager to help.

At her interview S. was a shy girl and it was a joy to watch her blossom into a confident young lady. I would guess she spent most of her babysitting money on clothing, and she was soon sporting a very stylish wardrobe purchased with her earnings. Unlike many 16-year-old girls, S. was not-self absorbed and immature, in fact quite the opposite. She always struck me as very mature and level-headed for her age.

About a year after S. started working for me, her parents started sending her on weekend trips to visit family located in other communities where this religious group has settlements. This is a common practice for young teens, and socials and other functions are held to facilitate the young people finding a mate. S. went but I could tell she was not really keen on these trips. I worried about her and we had several long talks about the importance of choosing a life mate carefully, and that while people were lucky if they met their person young, it was also ok if they didn’t, and that it happens when it happens, and I advised her not to do anything if her heart wasn’t in it.

I did not know it at the time, but her heart belonged to a boy she had wanted to date at 14, but her parents forbid it because they felt she was too young. Last she had heard, he was engaged to someone else. Then one day while driving one of her younger sisters home from babysitting, the sister excitedly told me they had reconnected at a church gathering, S. learned his fiance had broken off the previous engagement, and S.’s parents had now given him permission to court her. The girl who was opposed to courting was suddenly gung ho, and she glowed with happiness as she told me of him and their (very chaste and well supervised) dates.

Within a few months they were engaged and a few months after that they married. My mom remarked she hoped S. would be “more modern” and put off starting a family. I secretly hoped she would not. She looked different the first day she returned to work after marrying, she had gone from being a girl to a woman and she shyly joked her husband was hoping they had conceived on their wedding night. While it didn’t happen that quickly, it wasn’t long before she told me she was expecting and their son will arrive in December, right before their first wedding anniversary. Her husband literally beamed with pride when I congratulated him on the pending arrival.

From what I have observed, S. is a very happily married woman and she is excited about her future. While we have not discussed it yet, I have a feeling her next youngest sister will be taking over as my babysitter and S. will be staying at home with her infant while she finishes her last year of college and starts her in home daycare.

Like the other women of her clan, she will celebrate each stage of her life as a woman as it comes. She’s been a girl, and a young women. Now she is a wife and soon to be a young mother. In time, she will become a matriarch, grandmother to her own children’s children. At a recent clan gathering for a woman from the church in her 80s, an amazing 200+ descendants from this one woman (!) gathered around her to celebrate and honor her life.

I wish S. all the happiness in the world and I feel very fortunate to know her and to have been given a peek into her world. While it might not be for everyone, from where I sit it has a lot of advantages over the very different uncertain and undefined world I have experienced as a woman, and I think for her at least, it’s a perfect fit.

So there it is, a peek inside a world without feminism.

What do you think? How does this world sound to you? Better than life for a typical American young girl? Why or why not?

Reality Bites?

10 Monday Nov 2014

Posted by redpillgirlnotes in Fempire

≈ 11 Comments

Tags

blue pill, culture, dating, divorce, marriage, reality television, red pill, relationships

I have been pondering a theory about how all this reality television is playing into things in our culture going from bad to worse. It’s almost like these shows just normalize what was once shocking or fringe behavior, unfortunately making it less shocking and thus more commonplace.

The rise of the talk show (like Jerry Springer and such) seems to also tie into this somehow, too, normalizing the bad behavior it is supposed to be bringing into question.

And I know one could argue it started long before reality tv and talk shows but it just seems to me like this type of rubber necking, shock value, bottom of the barrel, worst examples of humanity programming is making things worse, and quickly.

What do you think? Is reality tv harmless entertainment, or part of the problem?

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