Tags
dating, divorce, hook up culture, ka boom, out of wedlock, Papa don't preach, red pill, relationships, single parenting, teen dad, teen mom, teen parents, teenage parents
Today I am going to do a new interactive type of blog post I am going to call “Ka Boom Scenario: Readers Weigh In.” The idea is that I will post real world situations of ka boom life moments and you, the readers, are encouraged to reply in the comments with your “Dear Abby” style advice to those involved. Ok?
Let’s get started (and don’t forget to leave your advice at the end. I am very curious to see how you all respond!)
Ka Boom Scenario#1.
Family in Teen Parent Crisis (Real life situation, names/details have been changed.)
Setting the scene: Working class dad, sahm mom, married 11 years, together 5+ years before that. In their mid-30s. Family has four children, 2 are hers from before (18 and 16) two are theirs together (11 and 6.) The couple has been struggling for some time over many issues, including the strife between dad and 16-year-old daughter (not his bio but he’s been there as dad since she was under two). The daughter is admittedly a self absorbed selfie snapping teen, sassy, disrespectful, etc. so he’s not necessarily “picking” on her, but the couple disagrees who to approach handling her. The couple has split up several times for a few days to a week but so far has always gotten back together.
And then, ka boom!
Three days ago, 16-year-old comes home and announces smugly that she is pregnant. 9 weeks. And she did it on purpose. Because “she wants a baby and to be on her own.” Then she goes and posts all about how glorious it all is all over Facebook. Girl is set on having her very own real life teen mom reality show.
The baby’s father is a 15-year-old drop out born to a teen mom himself who herself has 4 kids, is unmarried, still lives at home with her mom and her own daughter (the boy’s sister) is a teen mom with a two year old. (Hope that makes sense, describing the teen dad’s own family situation.)
They (the teens) really had no relationship. It was a hook up. There is no interest on either side to make it a family or to marry or anything like that.
Ok readers, what advice would you give to this family (or actually families, so feel free to advise one, both, or any combo of the above, any person in the situation or all of them.) Let’s hear your best red pill (or other) advice on this all too common modern day Ka Boom life moment. Go!
(Please note: Comments reflect the view of the commenter only and are neither approved or disapproved by the blog post author.)
Notes From a Red Pill Girl 
Oh I am really so positive Fuzzy! See https://spawnyspace.wordpress.com/2014/10/31/the-new-face-of-street-harassment/comment-page-1/#comment-2108
And thanks for the Kiwi sheep! Whee! Joy! (no, I’m neither drunk nor high nor pregnant)
Keith, the problem is this advice will lead to the baby being the equivalent of a sibling to the mother. This isn’t prohibitive and teaches her nothing. She is 16. Life is long. She has many years to go to school and clearly isn’t ready.
Staying in school will teach her nothing about accountability or responsibility. Being forced to leave and take her responsibility seriously will. Her only social life with an infant and toddler should be the playground and playgroups. Sitting in school and giving your kid to someone else to raise is the easiest thing in the world. She gets to be a mom, maintain her social life….and then what? If they can’t even get her to watch her own child how are they going to get her to pass her courses or even really show up for classes?
“My brother is doing that very thing with my nephew’s kids”
Kids plural? Unless they were twins maybe the proof that this tactic might not be best is right there?
I’ve noticed that communities which offer free daycare services to teen mothers tend to have a lot of teen mothers, and a lot of teen mothers with multiple kids. If you look at it from the cost/benefit analysis at their end it’s probably better to have them early. Free childcare AND free school. It’s like just having a sibling instead of being a mother. Later…all those nasty responsibilities happen. No one watched my kids for me when I had them in my twenties, and I worked classes in when I could.
That’s life, and she needs to learn it NOW. She needs to be a grownup NOW. Instead of staying a child and having a child so she can boast that she’s a “mother” while staying a child, she needs to actually BE a mother. Doing the work for her isn’t doing her any favors, longterm. I’d also confiscate the iphone and unplug the internet for a while. My oldest son is sixteen and I can tell you what I would do. I’d send him to a military boarding school. If I had a daughter, I’d do what I stated the above.
Bear River Dancing!!
That was awesome Fuzzie! 🙂
All very good points Liz! Thanks for adding that 🙂
Thank you padawan for joining us and sharing your verse! Indeed, the original intent of welfare (to keep people from falling through the cracks, temporarily) has somehow become a lifestyle, almost encouraging bad choices. Not sure what the fix is there…
Fuzzie, I agree dad is being taken for granted here. It in some ways is another side effect of our mixed up culture, he’s been given the role of the family buffoon while mom tries to run things. I do think mom’s lack of trust and respect has done a lot of damage, leading to him often withdrawing out of frustration. Which she then complains of. I have been trying to get her to see the cycle but so far she’s resistant to the idea that maybe it’s not just him… Actually he’s maybe patient w the nonsense to a fault, enabling the bad behavior too. Then kids see no respect and flow suit. Not good all around.
Good point Fuzzie, there’s a lot less upside for the teen dad, isn’t there? All he gets is mandatory wage garnishment and (maybe) sporadic visits. It amazes me men do not DEMAND more birth control options bc of this. I really think Rollo is right in his link above, the only way for a man to not get “oops-ed” into such a situation is for him to 100% never, ever, ever leave birth control up to the gal. Even if she “says” she’s on it. The risk for men (and teen boys) is just too great. The rewards for the gals, as far as govt. subsidized motherhood plus mandatory support (although it ain’t living large) are too great if she is foolish enough to think that’s a way to go, on purpose.
The plan is good Liz and for someone coming from a solid disciplined family it would work very well. This girl is not in that environment. The baby will get integrated into the family. A new baby is like a new car everyone is going to want to hold it. That’s what happened to my brother. He did the same thing you suggested, but once the babies got integrated into the family they became attached. So even when my brother and the children’s mothers fell off he still took on the burden of raising them.
What you suggest is an 8 year plan, if they and she have the discipline to do it it’s solid. I’m a blue collar guy in a very big city. This scenario plays itself out here like a virus. I’ve had co workers male and female with the same problem. The only out that I’ve seen work repeatedly is to get them up on their feet and get them with a viable skill as quickly as possible before throwing them into the deep end.
Them staying at home for 5-8 more years keeps the umbilical cord attached too long.
Fuzzie, so I pondered how to present this teachable moment on a 10-year-old girl level and came up with this: I said to my daughter, casually while we were cooking dinner, “Let’s play a new game, called Good Choice/Bad Choice. It works like this, I tell you a story and you say good choice or bad choice.” She looked very intrigued, and nodded. I continued, “Ok, let’s say a 16-year-old girl who is still in high school thinks it would be fun to have a baby of her own so she decides to have one, even though she isn’t married, doesn’t have a job, and hasn’t finished school. Good choice or bad choice?” She said right away, “Bad choice!” and then she looked at me a little funny, like maybe mom was off her rocker for even asking. Perfect! Exactly the response I was hoping for! 😀
I think Good Choice/Bad Choice may be a new regular teaching tool, err I mean game, in our house!
Unfortunately the teen girl’s mom told me today that her daughter declared Miley Ray Cyrus “The new direction of America.” Egads. I really, really hope not!
However in good news, mom and dad broke thru their emotional response last night and agreed fighting with each other wasn’t going to help. Whew! I said, “Good choice! You guys need to be a team now more than ever.” And we talked about that and some (red pill, shhh) ways they could do that, and I brought up the idea of a few sessions of family therapy again, and how it might be a good way to learn new ways to approach stuff that isn’t working and also to come up with a crisis management plan for this situation, and she agreed. Yes!!!! I sure hope she does it.
I am all about the teachable moment! And loving people, these guys are on my heart for sure and I hope this whole thing will be a life/family transforming in a good way moment.
If Miley is her hero, she needs to get locked down. This is out of control.
Agreed! I happened across some articles about what Miley has been up to lately and she’s no role model for young girls! Even if Miley can get away with it, thanks to her millions (billions?) in resources, the average teen is in no way insulated from the consequences of their choices like she is. If Miley had a baby, she literally could afford an entourage to help her care for baby., hardly the typical team mom scenario.
I wonder too, how much these “reality” tv shows also either normalize or glamorize teen pregnancy? There’s nothing easy or glamorous about being a young unwed mom with no education or resources. Nothing.