I was talking with a friend who has been struggling in her marriage for some time, and as we talked about it, I had an ah-ha moment. What I realized is she was repeating a mistake I made myself, and have seen others make as well.
The mistake was that once she started considering the possibility of a divorce, she can’t seem to stop thinking about it. Like a tumor, this thought keeps growing and festering. Every time something goes wrong between her and her husband, she now jumps right this this thought rather than to more constructive ones focused on understanding or fixing the issues.
I have heard it said this is how suicidal thought work, they grow and grow, almost becoming an obsession. The person eventually talks themselves into believing suicide is the *only* solution and that they must act on the thought.
As my friend and I talked, I noticed she was rejecting any constructive advice about steps she might take to turn her marriage around. Over and over she said, “That won’t work…” or “I tried that…” or some other such excuse. This is another thing that happens when thoughts of divorce take hold. The person starts to only focus on information and advice that confirms that path as the solution, literally shutting out all of the other options.
So why does my friend want a divorce? Because she thinks she would be happier and that life would be easier if she wasn’t married. And I think that frankly, she’s bored and in a rut herself. Instead of owning or recognizing that, she projects it onto her spouse. He’s the reason her life isn’t all she wants it to be, when actually the person who is really holding her back is herself.
Don’t get me wrong, in some cases divorce may be the best option. Some people aren’t good together and are drawn to each other for all the wrong reasons. Some marriages truly are toxic. If her husband was unfaithful, or abusive, or an addict I might understand where she is coming from. But I have asked and probed to see if it’s the case and nope. It truly seems to be simple boredom.
Her husband isn’t a bad guy, he’s just an average guy. It’s true he’s not terribly exciting but then again, guys who are terribly exciting rarely make good husbands. Her husband is predictable, and reliable, and stable. He’s average looking, average height, makes average money, and enjoys average guy things. Maybe she could do better, but she also could do a lot worse. And not to be unkind, but she’s pretty average as well. And I think that’s really what’s bothering her, she isn’t happy with herself. A divorce (or as some in the manosphere have nicknamed this type of divorce, a frivorce) won’t fix that.
Another thing I have noticed as we talk about her thoughts of divorce, she pictures life on her own as some sort of utopian fantasy land where nothing ever goes wrong, everything is suddenly perfect, she can do and have whatever she wants, and there is no downside. In her mind, the grass is unrealistically, almost psychedelically green on the other side of the divorce fence.
But as a divorced person, I know that’s not true. It’s totally unrealistic. Life continues to have it’s ups and down after a divorce, just like it does when someone is married. And a lot of the “problems” I thought would go away after I divorced, didn’t. They are still there. And in some cases they are even bigger now.
So I gently and with love pointed all this out to my friend, and told her I knew what she was doing because I had done it too, then reminded her to beware the power of her thoughts. I hope the next time her mind turns to thoughts of divorce, she will remember if she’s not careful, she’s going to talk herself right into it. And I hope that thought will help shift her thoughts away from this divorce fantasy and back onto actually fixing the problems.
Let those who have ears hear.
Excellent article.
Thanks, Outstanding Bachelor! Hopefully it will help others in this same situation recognize the fallacy of the divorce fantasy before it’s too late.
Redpillgirlnotes,
Thank you for the insight. I can see how the fantasy can be addictive. It’s about exercise of power.
The only thing that I can see you using to talk her out of this is to remind her how difficult it is to remarry.
“And not to be unkind, but she’s pretty average as well. And I think that’s really what’s bothering her, she isn’t happy with herself.”
Maybe you can get her to conduct a thought-experiment on what kind of things/activities she would consider exciting, and then to explore the possibility that these activities are just as feasible with the guy she’s with now.
But if she can’t identify things she really wants to do, and that she’s somehow being prevented from doing by the current relationship, then maybe she’s just an inherently boring person who will probably be bored whoever she’s with.
David Foster
Another well reasoned, written post. As a fellow divorced gen x’er I can relate to what youre saying. I believe that there is still too much pressure put on women to get married, rather than allowing them to fully become self-reliant and doing it on their own terms.
True fuzzie. She has no idea. I sure hope she figures it out but it’s almost like a siren song, calling her to the rocks, this divorce fantasy. Totally self destructive, especially since she has no real job skills or anything. It won’t be the paradise she thinks it will be. I try to tell her, not sure she’s hearing me. But I keep trying…
Good suggestion! I will…
I think that’s part of it. Her youngest just started first grade. I think she’s searching for who she is if not a sahm. I have encouraged her to pursue some of her interests she hasn’t had time for, see if that cures the restlessness. A woman doesn’t have to be single to do so.
Yeah seems like it takes women longer to figure out what they want.
I have a horrible feeling, now she has started down that path she’ll stay on it. If so, there will be pain to others probably more than to herself.
Redpillgirlnotes,
I have to give you points for trying. You have brought up something that I was not aware of, that there is a compulsion going on that won’t give in to reason.
I fear that too cill. She is foolish if she does. And yes, her decision would affect many in ways she also doesn’t see now. She has nooo idea.
@ fuzzie yes it does seem once one fixates on this option, it seems like it’s a hard thought to shake. I have seen men do this too, actually.
An excellent read!
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