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adolescent, American culture, arrested development, bad boys, casual sex, cougars, courtship, dating, grow up, growing up, immaturity, juvenile, man, marriage, maturity, MILF, peter pan syndrome, red pill, rites of passage, stages of life, teenager, virginity, woman
A post on another manosphere blog brought up the interesting idea that perhaps some of the problems encountered by men (and women) today are a result of not having defined rites of passage that mark the passage of childhood into manhood and womanhood.
As part of the “X” generation, I would have to agree that it’s not uncommon to see women and men in their 30s, 40s, 50s,m and even 60s largely living as they did in their late teens or early 20s. Grown women dressing in their teen daughter’s fashions, so-called “cougar” women prowling nightclubs for no-strings casual sex with men in their 20s, 40-something year old men still living like a college kid, or men buying red sports cars and dating women much younger are just a few examples of adults who seem to be having trouble “growing up.”
For women, rights of passage have largely been biological events tied to her fertility and ability to bear children. When a girl gets her first period, people often say, “she’s a woman now” even if she is only in her early teens. In the past, families might have publicly announced their daughters were “of age” by hosting a debutante or other event to indicate she was available for and seeking marriage.
For men, rites of passage usually include some sort of sequestering with older men in their family or community and physical, mental, and spiritual challenges that once passed, make him a “man.” In American culture, these often brutal (in women’s eyes) rites of passage have mostly been eliminated and many men report there is no moment when they can clearly feel they went from being a boy to being a man. Likewise, with more and more boys being raised by single mothers, many boys today don’t have regular contact with a male role model who can guide them in learning the skills to be a man.
In the message board discussion on men and rites of passage I thought it was interesting that the men insisted only men can teach a boy to be a man. At rites of passage ceremonies, only men are allowed because the activities that take place are so physically or emotionally challenging, women would likely try to intervene. However, these men insisted that for a boy to become a man, passing such tests was the best path to becoming a man.
Today’s youth have few rites of passage. For both men and women, losing one’s virginity is one. For men, killing their first deer or winning a major sporting event, or getting their first job might be the closest they have to male rites of passage. Many teens move out on their own, not really feeling like they are “men” or “women” yet.
A friend who is a therapist once told me that children getting their needs met in childhood and being part of a secure, loving home is the best way parents can prepare their children to move out and face the world fearlessly, expecting good things and success, while those children raised in dysfunctional or broken homes are more likely to feel unequipped and afraid to take this step and to cling to or long for a longer childhood.
Others have speculated that the baby boomer generation was the first American generation to resist growing up. Rather than to progress through the stages of life: child, teen, young wo/man, married adult, parent, empty nester, then grandparent — many boomers wanted to define their own path creating a culture of perpetual adolescence, the first “me” generation.
Perhaps it’s time to bring back rites of passage? And the concept that life does happen in stages, and that people should embrace each as they come and and then prepare to move on to the next stage and embrace that, each in turn, rather than to try to pretend they are in a different life stage than they are.
What do you think?
A major rite of passage in the US is getting a driver’s license.
Its very much a tenet of Jungian psychology to have rites of passage marking adulthood, and I’d agree. Aside from military service (which even then is tentative ground) there’s a real lack of these rituals in most Western societies.
Instead pseudo-rituals crop up like gang affiliation, money driven career jumpers, basement dwelling videogamers and other examples of perpetual adolescence crop up. Jungian psychology offers up the idea that the figurative inner child must “die” in order for the man to emerge. A spiritual experience that kills this inner child can be quite traumatic, from witnessing the death of a loved one to surviving a severe car accident.
The idea is that it severs the emotional and cognitive ties to this one way of behaving to allow for a new way to emerge. Even old literature like the story of Jesus in the bible dying on the cross and rising on the 3rd day.
A book called King, Warrior, Magician, Lover by Robert Moore and Douglas Gillette gives this whole idea some real thought, and to anyone interested I’d highly recommend reading it. I’m looking into buying some of the other books written by these guys, but this is the core reading.
True! I forgot that one. Thanks!
Thanks for sharing that! Very interesting. I will look into those books, for sure!
I got my first period at age 10…pretty early, considering every other female in my family got theirs at 13 or 14. It never made me feel “grown up” though. It was just another cruel biological reminder that I wasn’t the right sex. Unlike my breasts (which I bound in tight bandages) and my hips (which I covered in baggy boy clothes), menstruation isn’t something you can “hide”. I just consider myself really lucky that I’ve never experienced cramps/bloating/cravings/mood swings or any of the other crap that supposedly goes along with it. It’s 3 days of light bleeding then all is back to normal…thank the Gods.
I didn’t feel like an adult till I was about 15, when I did my own religious Dedication ritual. I’d become a vegetarian at age 13, but waited until I was older to affirm my beliefs.
http://tarnishedsophia.wordpress.com/2014/02/09/skyclad/
“Jungian psychology offers up the idea that the figurative inner child must “die” in order for the man to emerge.”
I don’t want to sully your blog with my personal issues, but I’ll say that this is very true. There’s another reason I did my ritual at the age I did. It was to remind myself my body was *mine* and no one could take that away.
Tarn I will read that, I have never felt torn about being female so this is something I admittedly know little about. Have you ever had testing to see if you are xy, cozy, xx or ??? My froend’s cousin felt she was male from a very young age and then sure enough testing revealed the same chromosomes as the female athele who turned out to be male/female. I would look it up but I am surrounded by hungry offspring at the moment! Lol.
I mean xxy not cozy, sorry!
I have never had my chromosomes tested, but I did participate in a brain scan test in college. It was extra credit for a psychology class, and I at least found that my brain reacts in masculine ways rather than feminine ways. I have a very female body (36DD breasts, hourglass shape, regulated menstruation, small hands, an average height of 5’7″) so I don’t think my chromosomes are at fault. From what research I’ve done, such differences will typically result in a less feminine/more androgynous physical appearance. However, there is evidence to suggest that women with gender dysphoria/extreme tomboyism were subjected to higher levels of prenatal androgens, either due to maternal stress or environmental factors.
It is what it is. I’ve come to accept it for the most part…it’s just sometimes it is tough to not really “belong” anywhere in sex-segregated situations.
Lol, don’t worry. I know what you meant.
It does seem the more “modern” we become, the more rituals go by the wayside. The coming of age ritual is a big one and it does seem to be the last.
As moderns, we do tend to look at that which has gone on before as primitive and, therefore of less value. We consider ourselves smarter, surrounded by all th9s technology. I don’t think so.
All the animals that are domesticated got that way in prehistory. Exceptions for the rabbit (Roman) and parrot (Incan).
Correction: Mayans domesticated parrots. Silly me.
No one domesticated bears.
Cool Fuzzy Bear. Cool Bloom. Cool all. I’m in a mellow mood because yesterday was my birthday and I’m feeling good. Sweet as. A little bitta alcohol lubrication doesn’t hurt either. Good as gold. Bye now.
Happy birthday Cill! Cheers and to many more! 🙂