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Notes From a Red Pill Girl

~ A site for women interested in a red pill perspective (where men are welcome too!)

Notes From a Red Pill Girl

Monthly Archives: December 2014

Can Women Have It All?

31 Wednesday Dec 2014

Posted by redpillgirlnotes in Fempire

≈ 26 Comments

Tags

abundance, balance, career path, career woman, co-parenting, divorce, infertility, marriage, New Year, parenting, relationships, resolutions, single parenting, working woman

This highly recommended post by another blogger on the concept of having it all got me thinking about how women in particular have been sold the “have it all” message over the past few decades.

You know the one — today’s woman can get a great education, have a interesting and fulfilling career, have an amazing relationship, raise a family, have a magazine worthy home and garden, be beautiful, make time for all her hobbies and interests, travel the world, live her dreams, and reach for the stars?

And the truth is a woman today can have (within reason) any of those things. Women today have more options than ever before. But something I have almost never hear anyone say is a woman can’t have ALL of those things at the same time. And that it’s OK, even sanity itself, not to try to.

Yep, that’s right. The problem might be that life is a smorgasbord of abundance. There’s too many good things to have and not enough room or time or resources  to have them all. Or at least not on a quality level, although many women are burning themselves out trying. That’s the good news and the bad news, at the same time.

For example, I have three dear friends who put their time and energies into their educations and careers during their 20s and 30s. They all have Master’s degrees from top schools, and all have had successful and interesting careers, all hold high level positions for companies that are household names.

At the age of 38 or so, all decided it was “time to have kids.” Unfortunately, although each of these women were ready to be excellent mothers, and they all had met and married awesome men ready to be fathers, none of them were able to get pregnant even with the aid of all the infertility treatments science had to offer.

For each, it was a crushing blow. Used to being in control of their worlds, they assumed that like scheduling their week or a project, when they decided they were ready to have a baby, it would happen. The idea that there might be a cost of delaying pregnancy until they were ready versus having a baby when their bodies were most biologically ready — and that the cost might be not being able to get pregnant — had never seriously entered their minds. And with all of the celebrities having babies at 40 and even 50 years old, at 38 none of them had even considered that they might be starting too late.

One, now 53, gave up her career and is now a stay-at-home mom with two adopted children. One, now 45, has made peace with not having kids and puts her energy and time into helping other people’s children through her career. The third, now 39, is gearing down her career while still undergoing infertility treatment, and my fingers are crossed for her.

Now there is no way to know if they would have struggled just as much to get pregnant earlier in life, and I am in no way trying to imply that it was some kind of karmic retribution for choosing to get and education and pursue a career. It’s simply that Americans, and especially American women, have been led to believe that having it all, all at once, and on demand, is possible — when often it’s not. And this pretty little lie leads to much unnecessary strife and unhappiness.

The same could be said for a woman choosing to marry and start a family very young. What are the chances of her also pursuing higher education, establishing a successful career, and having time for all her hobbies and interests without her (and her family) paying that price in some way their time and quality of relationships?

The dirty little secret is the grass just looks greener. The young mother at home with the kids may envy her friends who have an exciting career, just as her friend who has a career but can’t have a child may envy the young stay-at-home mother. The woman who has children and a career may envy both those who have more time for their career because they don’t have children and the woman who has more time for her children because she doesn’t have a career.

When you think about it, every decision from as small as how to spend an hour to as big as if and when to try to have a baby, means a trade off in some other way.

And it’s not just women who face this. Men, too, have to and have always had to make choices between career, time with family, hobbies and interests, etc. It’s an illusion that men have somehow had the golden ticket in life, and that they were having it at the expense of women. Nobody has the golden ticket. There is no golden ticket. Everyone only has so many options, no matter their sex, age, income level, education, or other factors.

Ironically there is a solution to this situation, and again it involves realizing it’s a choice. But rather than choosing to want and try to have it all, ironically it means choosing NOT to. It is in choosing to give up some things in order to have other things that are more important and making peace with making those choices and trade offs that an abundant quality life lies. And also to accept that in everything there is a season, and having one thing might mean waiting to — or even never having — another. And not just realizing this, but being truly OK with it.

I personally struggle with this concept. I constantly beat myself up internally for not doing and being it all, for not somehow squeezing 48 hours of stuff into a 24 hour window. And trust me, I have tried. Pretty much daily. For years. That trying has come at great personal cost to myself, and others.

Nor if I am honest can I say I have been able to enjoy “having” it all, even as I was (and still am) furiously, frantically, and barely juggling it. I now realize that although there is always room for self-improvement, it wasn’t because I’m not trying hard enough or wanting it bad enough, it’s because I was and still am trying to do and have too much at once!

So in the spirit of resolutions and all of that, in 2015 I am going to make time for what’s most important and make peace with giving up some of what’s really not, without feeling like that trade off is some kind of failure. If you also struggle with this concept, I hope you will join me.

Sometimes less really is more. And sometimes more is actually less.

Let those who have ears hear.

My How Things Change

30 Tuesday Dec 2014

Posted by redpillgirlnotes in Uncategorized

≈ 4 Comments

A little over a year ago, I was rattled by a knock on my door at 9:30 at night. Not thinking, I opened the door to find a young woman who is a known herion addict standing on my porch.

She said her car had broken down and asked to use my phone or for a flashlight. I told her to wait, closed and locked the door, then got her a flashlight. I opened the door, handed it to her, and wished her good luck.

After closing the door I realized I had probably just given her light to break into my car with, so after a few minutes I went outside, walking with brisk confidence. She was standing in the driveway, looking startled. She asked me if I needed something and I said, “Nope, just checking on things.” She walked to the road and I watched as she walked until she was about a quarter mile away.

I live in a rural area, and it was no secret I was a single mom. My two daughters were inside. I locked all the doors and for the first time in my life, wished I owned a gun. I realized how foolish it was for me to open the door, or walk outside, not knowing if the girl was unarmed or even alone.

I could not sleep that night. The next day I asked around about the girls name, just in case. Two days later there was a drug bust (herion and meth) at a home about three miles away. I had seen this same girl walking along the road near there several times. Luckily, I have not seen her since.

That night I realized for the first time how vulnerable my girls and I were, and that I was all that stood between them and harm. And how woefully unprepared I was for that responsibility.

I had been lurking on a manosphere site for a few months prior, and I shared the tale in the comments section. Several well informed and obviously caring men advised me on home security basics. I truly appreciated them taking the time to do so. (I would be the first to say I did not find them to be angry, bitter, misogynistic, woman haters in any way!)

Makes and models of guns were debated, but the advice I remember most was, “you need a shorty, a glock, and a big mean dog.”

Fast forward to this Christmas, and a visit to my father-in-law to he’s home, and I notice a NRA sticker right on the front door.”Smart!” I thought. Good deterrence anyway.

I still don’t own a gun but my fiancé does, several, and while I don’t know if he has a shorty or a glock, I am sure if not he’s got the equivelant. And a beautiful big dog who loves me and the kids, but God help anyone who would ever try to harm us.

A post about bad boys (https://heartiste.wordpress.com/2014/12/29/are-badboys-the-answer-to-white-pathological-humanitarianism/) got me thinking, maybe I am not the only one rethinking gun ownership and the value of having a man who knows how to use one. My bad boy is hardly that, he spent much of his career carrying a gun and arresting bad boys, but what he is, is a bad ass. And I have to admit, I dig it that he can shoot a three bullet on top of itself bullseye and has repelled out of helicopters. Talk about a gal feeling safe!

Something else I love about him is that he’s masculine without being jerky or macho. He has a quiet but assertive way about him that I find very soothing and calming. But he’s no pushover, he’ll let me know if I am out of bounds. And he’s so good to me and my girls.

In a very weird way that gal rattling my cage opened my eyes to my vulnerability and false sense of security and independance, and to the many reasons why a fish might need a bicycle after all!

I never thought I of all people would ever join the NRA, but you know what? I want that sticker on my door, too. It makes people up to no good think twice, and that’s what the right to bear arms is all about in my mind, checks and balances.

What Is “Game?”

28 Sunday Dec 2014

Posted by redpillgirlnotes in Red Pill

≈ 19 Comments

Tags

attraction, being single, blue pill, break ups, dating, game, marriage, pick up, pick up artists, red pill, relationships, the art of the pick up, what men want, what women want

Have you ever heard of the concept called, “game?” It’s loosely a collection of tips and techniques men who advocate for this approach say flip a gal’s attraction triggers and increase his chances of success in getting her number, getting a date, or getting into her bed.

Most women are horrified at the idea of “game” as if it is somehow a dishonest way of tricking a gal into thinking a guy is on the up and up.

But I am not so sure, especially when so many game techniques seem to encourage men to act more like bad boy cads who could care less than to act like a gentleman. So if it works, it’s not because women think they are falling for a gentleman.

Of course not all versions of game rely on bad boy moves. And there are many, many versions of game. What works for one guy every time may not work at all for another, what works like magic on one girl may drive another one away.

And sure, the way a lot of these guys put is, is pretty direct, but think of it as locker room talk between guys or your big brother and his friends, they are often talking smack. Women could learn a lot about how men think by reading about game, if she can have thick skin while she does it.

In short, rather than think of game as some sort of trick, think of it as ways a man tries to get a woman’s attention and time in competition with all of the other men trying to get her time and attention.

On the nature channel I was watching a documentary that showed the “game” of a male pheasant living in the mountains of China. He had bright blue and red plumes on his head, which he poked up in a peek-a-boo fashion to catch the female’s attention. Then, once he had her eye, he turned it way up, filling a big bright blue waddle with air and strutting about his puffed up self. I thought he looked pretty darn impressive, but the female pheasant apparently didn’t. He let the air out of his waddle and moved on.

Who knows what rules of pheasant game this male pheasant missed, but in a similar way, humans also have a dating and mating dance and game is an attempt to explain what works and what doesn’t to other men. In the past this information likely would have been passed along by a grandfather, father, uncle or older brother. Today many men either fumble around on their own trying to “figure it out” or they seek the information online.

And let’s face it, girls have “game” too. There are all sorts of books, websites, and magazine articles devoted to teaching a woman how to “get her man.”

The trouble, some would say, is that today men and women are being given the wrong advice on game. Men are told to, “just be nice” which often gets them into the “he’s nice but she isn’t into him although she can’t put her finger on it” category. Women are told to be confident, sassy, and aggressive, which often gets them put into the “fun but I wouldn’t take her home to momma” category.

It seems, according to the “game” experts, the problem is that men and women have it backwards. Men are acting more like women should (be nice), and women are acting more like men should (be confident and aggressive).

Try doing the reverse. You might be pleasantly surprised how well playing the “lady” card puts you ahead of the crowd.

Let those who have ears hear.

Rediscovering the Goddess of the Hearth

20 Saturday Dec 2014

Posted by redpillgirlnotes in Fempire

≈ 74 Comments

Tags

abundance, being a wife, career woman, clutter, dating, feminism, housework, keeping house, marriage, modern woman, organizing, red pill, relationships

As I have mentioned before, I was raised to be a modern career woman, not a wife. And now that I am engaged to a man whose house is spotlessly clean while mine is barely controlled chaos, I realize I have some personal growth to do in the area of domestic skills.

I knew this day would come. Months before we met, I cringed when I first read this blog post telling girls if they want to attract a life partner, they should really clean up their house and car. I knew it was true.

Granted, as my fiance will so generously point out, he doesn’t have two young children living with him. That makes keeping house a lot easier. But even so, I have to admit I may be able to run a business but when it comes to running a home, I am “domestically challenged.”

When we started dating, I was afraid that he would run away screaming the first time he stepped into my place. It’s not dirty exactly, it’s just like the junk drawer exploded, then then multiplied. There’s simply too much “stuff.” My personal demons seem to be mail, laundry, and toys. They are everywhere.

I avoided it as long as I could. But eventually, the day came for the big reveal. Luckily he did not run. However he did say, very nicely, a few weeks later that he’d been thinking about it and decided if we were ever going to live together, we’d have to live, “more his way than mine.” And he made it clear that while he didn’t mind pitching in, he was happy to help,  he wasn’t going to do it all.

And he’s right. I am 43 years old and I don’t know how to keep house. But it’s high time I learn.

Luckily with a few Google searches I was able to locate exactly what I needed, a day by day, week by week, month by month list of things to do. It seems so simple when it’s broken down this way.  This I can do. Thank goodness for the Internet!

I am so glad that I have found a man who loves me and understands me and yet also challenges me to grow. (He just walked in as I am writing, I told him this, and he chuckled good-naturedly. He said I am challenging him to grow, too — in patience! Lol.)

One thing I love about this man is that he gets we all have weak spots and this one is mine. I am painfully self aware of it already. So I appreciate that he didn’t shame me, or bash me, or insult me. He just set the expectation and left it up to me to choose to rise to the occasion (or not).

Things are already starting to shape up and you know what? I love it! Being surrounded by clutter and “stuff” is draining and demoralizing. I have been going room my room and getting things in order and now when I walk into those rooms, it is like a sigh of relief. It makes me want to tackle the next room, and then the next. The kids love it too, and I plan to help them learn right along with me.

Together we are dreaming and clipping out images of interior designs we love, and he is busy planning the remodel. It will be a fresh start. My house will become “our” house. (Meanwhile he’s debating between selling his house or renting it. Either way all he would have to do is put up a sign, it’s already “show” ready. Cute as a button, it will be rented or sold in a flash.)

As we move toward that day, this year, I plan to go on a journey to rediscover the Goddess of the Hearth. In a post feminist world, she’s been lost in the shuffle. I realize I have missed her, I long for her, I need her, she’s my missing element. I want her to help me build a nest that is cozy and warm and a place of sanctuary for myself and my family.

How about you? If you are missing her too, join me! Court the Goddess of the Hearth in 2015. A beautiful, orderly, nurturing home awaits.

“Turn away from the world this year and begin to listen. Listen to the whispers of your heart. Look within. Your silent companion has lit lanterns of love to illuminate the path to Wholeness. At long last, the journey you were destined to take has begun.”
― Sarah Ban Breathnach, Simple Abundance: A Daybook of Comfort and Joy

Let those who have ears hear.

A Caveman Moment

17 Wednesday Dec 2014

Posted by redpillgirlnotes in Red Pill

≈ 96 Comments

Tags

caveman game, masculinity, mate guarding, men, provider and protector, red pill

Some of you may remember my prior post on not appreciating my ex’s, for lack of a better term, caveman moments nearly enough. (This post will make a lot more sense if you read the other.)

Yesterday my fiance was putting my trash out on the street (which he started just doing all on his own every week once we started dating, what a guy!) when my neighbor’s dog came rushing at him teeth barred and growling in the street. (I am afraid of this dog, it has fear aggression, and I will not let my kids near it.)

The dog’s owner, my neighbor’s unemployed 50+ year old grown daughter who is a con, identity thief, and self proclaimed hippy (who more accurately just has a drug problem) came after the dog, which of course was not listening to her. (She and I get along, we wave and smile and say hi, but I know better than to get involved.)

My fiance looked her dead in the eye and said calmly, “If that dog bites me, I will shoot it.”

In the past I might have been horrified, told him off for talking to the neighbor like that, or thought he was being a jerk. Instead I realized I have another caveman, and this time I am going to let him do what he thinks he needs to do.

When a man loves a woman, he thinks of her safety always. That was really going on there, not some macho “I am going to shoot your dog,” moment. He loves dogs. His own dog is the most beautiful, healthy animal you will ever see. But in the caveman part of his mind, he saw that dog as a threat not just to himself, but to the territory and people he now feels compelled to protect.

I am pretty sure in his one act of drawing a firm line in the sand, he got the word out to this gal and all of her social crowd, that they better steer clear of my house, because I have another crazy caveman, he’s got a gun, and he’s not afraid to do what he needs to do. He’d give his life for me or my kids in a heartbeat, that man, and now that I understand this about men, I can see this protective drive as an expression of his deep love and devotion, not some misogynistic moment.

I know it sounds crazy, but I actually swooned!

Is Commitment Phobia Real?

16 Tuesday Dec 2014

Posted by redpillgirlnotes in Relationships

≈ 204 Comments

Tags

casual sex, commitment, commitment phobia, dating, marriage, red pill, relationships

Chances are you have heard the term “commitment phobic.” It’s usually applied to men who will have a romantic relationship with a woman, but who either openly say “this isn’t going anywhere” or who just don’t ever bring up the topic of commitment.

Now in the first part of a relationship, it’s normal to not talk about “where this is going.” After all it takes time to get to know a person. But beware if he doesn’t steadily move in the direction of “upping the game” or you might find yourself like this woman, committed to an uncommitted relationship in hopes that the guy you are crazy about will come around.

I hate to be the one to break it to you, but chances are he won’t.

Case in point: I know a woman in a fourteen year (Yes, 14 year!!!) “I’ll see ya when I see ya” arrangement. She is in love with him, doesn’t see other men beside him, and still holds out hope that he will “get over” his commitment phobia. If she pushes it, he tells her she’s free to find someone else. And he doesn’t hide the fact that he dates other women. Afraid to lose him altogether, despite the emotional pain the non-commitment causes her, she backs off and things remain the same.

There may be a number of ways guys say it, he may have been hurt in the past or have other reasons to avoid commitment, but in the end what it means is this: He doesn’t want to commit to YOU. Because if he did, he would. It’s just that simple, most of the time.

This male blogger probably explains it better than I am in this post.

In another post, he lays out why women may be making this mistake – projection. It’s women who need time to decide if they love and want to commit to someone, not men. According to him, men know right away if they are willing to commit to a woman. In fact, he was shocked to discover that women aren’t this way, too!

As he puts it, women seem to need more time to access compatibility with a man because for women that is based on characteristics and personality traits that can only be determined by getting to know him and to see how he reacts to multiple situations over a period of time. Women mistake a guy not sure about commitment with this, how women do it.

Meanwhile men report the decision to commit or not being a much more instant and visceral thing. He “feels it” or he doesn’t. Sure that attraction can diminish with time if a gal’s personality doesn’t match her looks, but men say if a gal doesn’t meet flip his attraction triggers right away, it’s unlikely she ever will to the point that he will want to commit to her.

Or like the book of the same title says, “He’s just not that into you.” Because if he was, he would not be nonchalant about it.

There’s more to it than this, a red pill concept called the “sexual market place value” or SMP value of the man and the woman. (This is similar to the zero to ten point scale, aka “She’s a 7”) Women tend to want to date “up” in value and are unlikely to date or have sex with a man she considers beneath her own SMP value. Men (or at least men who are not celibate for moral reasons) will, although most men have a threshold they won’t want to go below even for easy sex.

Men also have a much harder time getting a woman with a SMP value equal to (or above) their own, the women they want to commit to, because those women are likely aiming for guys above their SMP.

Then it gets even trickier. Some men, those at the top of the SMP scale, with a SMP value of 8 plus, are in such demand that they can almost literally have their pick EXCEPT with female 8s and above. But women with a SMP value say of 6 or 7 (and less) will practically throw themselves at these men, who may in turn sleep with them or enter into a “I’m not your boyfriend” style relationship with them in hopes it will turn into more. If these women draw the line, they are easily replaced by other women more than willing to take their shot at the “prize” male.

If these women don’t understand he wouldn’t commit for this reason, their SMP value is not high enough to flip his commitment triggers, she may get a distorted view of her own SMP value by confusing men who she can have a casual sex relationship with as the same level she can have a committed relationship with, thus ignoring the 6 and 7 (or whatever her SMP value is) men whose attraction triggers she likely would flip. (Spoiler alert: Meanwhile these men who would commit are now checking out in record numbers because they are tired of playing a losing game.)

As the same male blogger explains above, while a man’s SMP value is based on a combination of looks, career achievement, status, wealth, and other factors, a woman’s is almost exclusively based on her looks and her age. As “sexist” as that is, it has been this way for millennia and it is unlikely to change. All that “inner beauty” stuff is really what gals tell each other not what men actually think. Now it is true a woman can certainly turn a man off with her personality, but for the most part his commit or not decision is made on first sight.

So what’s a gal to do? Be honest with herself. If there are factors she can change about her physical appearance (and there are many) she can move up the SMP scale and thus get a “better” guy. Barring that, she can accept her SMP value and stop having pseudo relationships with the guys “out of her league” and start dating men at her own SMP value. Or (and I would not recommend this option) she can accept that the higher SMP value man may add her to his booty call list, see her when he sees her, she will have little to say about it, and that he will not (ever, sorry but it’s true, as this blogger puts it point blank) commit to more.

Hate the message, not the messenger. I am just telling the ladies straight up what’s really going on when a guy doesn’t want to commit. The choice to play that game, or not, is up to her. But if she does, she can’t blame commitment phobia. Instead she should take ownership of it and admit, she wants a guy who is out of her league even if he won’t commit.

On the other hand, if a women can really absorb this information and forgo the ego boost (and crash) that sleeping with (but not actually “getting”) men of a higher SMP than her own, and focus only on dating men who are in her SMP zone, while doing all she can to improve and protect her SMP value, chances are high she can find a man of her own SMP value who will commit relatively easily (If they don’t all go MTGOW first that is).

And that’s the real solution to commitment phobia.

Let those who have ears hear.

Now Don’t I Feel Silly?

08 Monday Dec 2014

Posted by redpillgirlnotes in Relationships

≈ 148 Comments

Tags

break up, break ups, commitment, courtship, dating, divorce, engaged, engagement, faith, marriage, proposal, propose, red pill, relationships, wedding

So it’s been quite the weekend!

On Friday, my beau and I went out to dinner. It was a weird day to start with, maybe the full moon, and anyway he said halfway through dinner, “Just so you know, I am not going to propose over the holidays.”

Ummm, ok.

Ouch.

I literally felt sick, my stomach instantly churning. Being single sucks. Dating sucks. Insert negative inner voices here.

I have to admit I was hurt by the statement, and on the way home when he asked why I was so quiet, I (calmly) explained that while I was not expecting a proposal by any means, it would have been better never to say anything about a possible proposal than to bring it up just to say it wasn’t happening. I asked if he could please just take me home. All the way there, I did my best not to start crying. Ug.

Needless to say, it wasn’t the best date we’ve ever had.

The next morning we had a really good talk about it and I felt like we both aired our thoughts and successfully navigated our way to the other side of an awkward moment. Whew. He asked if we could go out that night. I said of course. I opened my business at noon. At ten minutes to six, when I was getting ready to close, there he was to pick me up.

We went out to dinner, and then back to his place for dessert. He walked into the kitchen to get it, and came back with a plate with two pieces of cheesecake, and a ring box.

And explained he wasn’t going to propose over the holidays, because he couldn’t wait that long.

Needless to say, didn’t I feel silly?

And then I said, “YES!!!!!”

Yep, Red Pill Girl is engaged. You heard it here first. And for those who have been following my tale over the past year on various manosphere blogs, and who know how far I have come, and how much I have learned, and how earnestly I have studied male and female relations, and striven to understand what I was doing wrong so I could start doing it right, and how much advice and support and encouragement (and at times stern words of correction about a wrong way in my thinking) I have been offered, I thank you. Thank all of you, new friends and old, for helping me get my head on straight so I was ready for this moment. From the bottom of my heart!

I am going to love him for the rest of my life and I am going to make being an awesome wife and partner to him my highest priority. He’s the captain, I am the first mate, the kids are the crew, and we are on this voyage together. I fully realize this isn’t some Disney movie. It’s going to take work, and grace, and there are going to be hard times and good times and yes, it’s a risk. But I would say thanks to help from many here and on other blogs I frequent, I now get what I did not before, and I think that alone helps mitigate the risk enormously. That and knowing now, there just is no not working it out. The grass isn’t greener and we both have been there, done that, and we both know that it is true.

In short, the manosphere has taught me how we’ve all been told it works for the past 40-some years, and how it has always really worked, are not one and the same. The information is out there for any who seek it. The Red Pill goes down bitter, but better to live with the truth than to keep believing pretty little lies that only lead one astray.

And I hope for all of you other singles (who wish it) you too will find a great mate to share your life journey with. And in case anyone is wondering, Red Pill Girl is not going anywhere. She’s just turning the page to the next chapter of her Red Pill journey.

Can a Woman Raise a Man?

07 Sunday Dec 2014

Posted by redpillgirlnotes in Gender

≈ 40 Comments

Tags

becoming a man, boys, gender, masculine, masculinity, men, single mom, single parenting, son

Comments about my recent post on “The Return of Masculinity” raised an interesting question,
Can a woman raise a man?”

Or in other words can a mom, especially a single mom, raise a son to be a man? Can she teach him what he needs to know as a man? Guide him in being a man?

I am a single mom, but I have two daughters, no sons. So while I cannot comment on mothering a boy as a single mom, I can comment firsthand on watching my mother try to do so.

My father survived Vietnam but tragically passed away in a car accident after his return. My mom was 27. I was 2. My brother was 4. Now this affected all of us in in profound ways, to be sure, but I have often thought perhaps it affected my brother most of all.

Someone said to him, shortly after, that he was now “the man of the house.” Why people say the things they do when people die I will never know, but I am not sure whether it was to inspire him, or somehow comfort him, but I think what it did, at the tender age of four, was terrify him. That’s a lot to put on a four-year-old.

My mother had no job skills so she went back to school and a wonderful lady, who lived nearby, whose own children were grown, and had lost her own husband a few months prior sought my mom out and offered to babysit us, everyday while she was in school, for free. She was such a blessing to us, this spunky short spitfire of a lady from Kansas, and she made a tough time easier on us all.

But back to my brother. He was a handful. I think while my mom denied her grief as her way to hold it together, he exploded in his. Add that to the fact that he already had ADHD, and now nobody to roughhouse with, or to push back on him, he literally did rule our roost. My exhausted mother placated him with candy and other bribes, just adding to his energy and escalating demands.

Everyone was afraid of my brother at school, and so I never wanted for protection. I was figuratively under his wing, even into my teen years once a guy heard my last name, he was backing away and bowing least he have to deal with my brother’s wrath.

But at home, he was out of control. I can see now he was acting out his pain, but at the time he was a tyrant. He spoke to my mother horribly, and as he got older he bullied her and intimidated her. He bullies me too, and could be very unkind, but while he regularly threatened to pound on me, he never actually did. The older he got, the worse it got.

He played sports and was in Scouts and here and there participated in men’s activities, but outside of that he lived in a world of women between our family, our sitter, and my mom’s friends.

I am told my father was brilliant, and his father as well. Geniuses, they say. My brother is also incredibly intelligent, but in school he was completely undisciplined, between the ADHD and the lack of any real structure or support with homework at home, his grades were abysmal compared to his potential. (my mom, bless her, was homecoming queen, but she is not an intellectual and could not really help my bother past a certain point. I am told I take after my father in temperament and brains, but my brother is far, far smarter than I am.)

One man who took my brother under his wing was his high school band teacher. My brother was a musical prodigy, he said, able to pick up and play pretty much any instrument you put in front of him. He played alto saxophone in the band, and mostly electric guitar for fun at home. He loved Heavy Metal and his heroes were the lead guitar players from these bands.

My bother liked his band teacher (who was also a foster parent) a lot, and he asked my mom when he was in his sophomore year if he could move to his house. My mom was horrified, and said no, but thinking back I wonder if that would not have been the best thing that could happen. I think my brother wanted, and needed, very much a man to guide him.

I am surprised he graduated high school, between the skipping classes, smoking pot, drinking alcohol, minor run ins with the law, and riding his dirt bike at full tilt. But he did, somehow. His grades were equally bad when he went to the local community college. When they dipped below the level for him to continue to get his VA benefits, my mom gave him a choice, join the military or move out on your own. (My father was active duty when he died and so both my brother and I got monthly checks for college under the GI Bill.)

He joined the Marines, not because of his grades but because of his scores on their intelligence tests. Unfortunately he told them he had never smoked pot or used drugs. On his way to boot camp, they asked him again. He again said no. Their background checks confirmed different and they told him, “Son had you been honest with us, we would have been ok with it. But since you ;lied, you cannot become a Marine son, good luck.” My brother had to call my mom collect, from a city four hours away, for a ride home.

The next week he went to the Navy recruiter, told the tale, and signed up. I didn’t think he would last ten minutes in the service, with his attitude toward authority, but instead he was like a duck in water. He thrived with the structure, and the discipline, and the limits. They noticed he liked to boss people, so they put him in charge. He worked on aviation electronics and computers. He served 8 years before he left the military for a career in civil service. Because he could instantly see all the ways to hack into a computer system, he was assigned to electronic security and helped keep hackers out of some of the most important government offices in Washington DC.

He recently left the DC area and has moved to be near my mother and I. He’s looking for a job and is doing well. He never married, has no children. He desperately wants a partner, but he has always been unlucky in love. He falls had and fast and scares the ladies off, as far as I can see.

Anyway, back to the point, my mom raised my brother, but as hard as she tried she could not be both a mom and a dad to him. I would say many if not most of his life struggles are all related to not having my father. From small things like not having someone to teach him how to pee standing up, to big things like how to talk to girls, he was on his own to figure it out. It was a lot for a little guy of four, and I think it’s still a lot today.

I could tell of other examples, men I have dated who were raised by single moms and how that affected them, but maybe another time. For now I will leave it with this one tale.

If you ask me, “Can a woman raise a man?” I would say, “No.” She can do her damn best, and be a good mom, but if that boy has a father who wants to be a part of his life, she should set any feelings of her own aside and make sure her son gets regular and frequent time with his dad. If like in my brother’s case, that’s not possible, the next best thing would be to get him around his male kin: grandpas, uncles, and such. Failing that, get him into a male organization and try to find a stable and long term man to be a part of his life (maybe a neighbor or family friend, not a romantic interest of mom unless he’s going to be around for life.)

To be clear, I am not saying a single mom can not do right being a GREAT mom to her son, but she cannot be his dad too. She needs to make sure her son is around a man, as above. It’s best for her, and him, and his future.

To do any less than make sure her boy is around men, a mother will unintentionally cripple her son no matter how much she loves him or how hard she works. It’s not because she isn’t doing enough, it’s just the way it is. Boys need men. Men make boys become men. Boys who become men (chronologically) without a man in their life may continue to struggle in life into adulthood.

That’s my two cents, anyway. Take it for what it is, one firsthand account.

Let those with ears hear.

Guys Don’t Like Sluts

05 Friday Dec 2014

Posted by redpillgirlnotes in Sex and Such

≈ 74 Comments

Tags

alpha male, bad boys, bad girl, casual sex, dating, good girl, hooking up, hookups, marriage, red pill, relationships, slut, slut shaming, virginity

I don’t have much time to write this, so I probably won’t do this topic justice but I will try — short version, guys don’t like sluts.

In a world where people say, “Don’t slut shame” it’s not a message you hear very much, but I have heard many a man say so around the manosphere.

Young women are sold this message that to have sex “like a man” with whoever and whenever you want is “empowering.” What’s good for the gander is good for the goose, right?

But what this theory leaves out is that it’s not as easy for men to find women to have sex with as it is for women to find men to have sex with. All guys aren’t just going out and having casual sex whenever they want. They may wish, but even seasoned players like this guy, who literally makes a living trying to get laid and teaching other guys how to do it too, will admit, even for him, it can be hard to get sex.

The reality is the men women are having sex with aren’t “the average guys.” In the real world, about 20% of guys are getting 80% of the casual sex action. The top guys. The guys all gals want. Even the good looking but average guys, not so much.

Meanwhile even average to below average looking girls can pretty easily find someone to have sex with. He likely won’t want a relationship, or to marry her, but he’ll have a go. Maybe even more than once. Maybe he will even add her to his booty call list. He won’t judge her for sleeping with him. He’ll actually encourage it. It’s in his best interest. But is it in hers?

You see, women make the mistake of *projecting* it’s just as easy for guys to get laid as it is for girls. But it’s not.

And, the guys in the 80% who want to have a girlfriend, a wife, and regular sex who aren’t getting it, they do care if a girl is a slut. In fact, she doesn’t even have to be “a slut.” They care if she’s even semi-promiscuous. They care how many other men she’s slept with. They care if she’s ok with casual sex or one night stands. And if she is they value her less, as a potential serious partner, for doing these things.

There, I said it. I have a feeling it is not a popular thing to say, but I think far too many women don’t realize this, at their own doom. Ladies, I am not telling you what to do with your body, but I am telling you the “nobody cares anymore” thing is a myth.

Why do men care? It’s actually not about a moral judgement, although that’s what kept women from sleeping around in millennia past. It’s biological. Even in a world with birth control, this is ancient programming and not easily overwritten. In the past having sex meant making babies. And if a woman was having sex with multiple men, she was a risk.

See, a women knows 100% that a baby in her belly is hers. A man, especially in the days before over the counter paternity tests, does not. He’s taking a big risk and is putting a lot of faith in the gal to believe that’s HIS baby. This is a hard concept for women to grasp I think, because they would never be in that situation.

But imagine if you went to the hospital and had a baby. And then they just handed you a random baby from the nursery, and said the baby was yours. Sure, you would think the baby was cute, and you would probably love it and care for it, but wouldn’t you really want to take home and raise YOUR baby? Wouldn’t you wonder if it was your baby, and if not where your baby was and how it was doing? So why would a guy not feel the same?

That’s why men don’t like sluts. Or as a male friend put it, “Oh we like sluts, but not for a girlfriend or wife.”

Men value loyalty and fidelity very, very highly. If you want a good man, you should be protecting your asset, which is your self. Women hold the key to sex. Likewise, men hold the key to commitment. This used to be the trade – sex for commitment. But in a world where women are handing out their key, men are withdrawing their side of the deal as well. Fair is fair.

This post may bring on a hail of hate rain, I am talking a big risk calling a spade a spade here, but if you don’t believe me, just ask the guys. They will tell you it’s true. I am only trying to help women understand it, for their own sake, before it’s too late and her only option left is dealing with the fallout.

Let those with ears hear.

The Return of Masculinity?

03 Wednesday Dec 2014

Posted by redpillgirlnotes in Gender

≈ 96 Comments

Tags

alpha male, dating, manly, marriage, masculine, red pill, relationships

Last night at a meeting with my biz colleagues (mostly male) I noticed a curious fact, almost all of them were sporting noticeable facial stubble. Even the ones who are usually the clean cut sort.

Could it be masculinity is making a comeback? The manosphere is going mainstream? That’s it’s OK for men to be men again?

Sparta

Oh please, say it is so!

I am all for men being men, and unapologetically so. Enough with the yes mamn, whatever you say dear, hair product wearing, never breaking a sweat, hairless, androgynous guys who carry purses and say “it’s a satchel,” or worse admit it is a man purse. Enough. Just don’t.

Women (or moms) may say women like men to be like that, but really they don’t.

What do they like? Men being men. Men acting like men. Men dressing like men. Men smelling like men. (Good God, I can feel my eggs popping right now just thinking about this!)

The feminine craves the mas·cu·line: having qualities or appearance traditionally associated with men, especially strength and aggressiveness.

“he is outstandingly handsome and robust, very masculine”

synonyms: virile, macho, manly, muscular, muscly, strong, strapping, well built, rugged, robust, brawny, heavily built, powerful, red-blooded, vigorous; hunky, testosteronic

Yep. You heard it here first. Masculinity is back in style, at long last! (I hope!)

Of course there’s more to it than just being hairy, but it’s a good start.

What do you think ladies? Am I the only one thinking this?

 

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