Chances are you have heard the term “commitment phobic.” It’s usually applied to men who will have a romantic relationship with a woman, but who either openly say “this isn’t going anywhere” or who just don’t ever bring up the topic of commitment.
Now in the first part of a relationship, it’s normal to not talk about “where this is going.” After all it takes time to get to know a person. But beware if he doesn’t steadily move in the direction of “upping the game” or you might find yourself like this woman, committed to an uncommitted relationship in hopes that the guy you are crazy about will come around.
I hate to be the one to break it to you, but chances are he won’t.
Case in point: I know a woman in a fourteen year (Yes, 14 year!!!) “I’ll see ya when I see ya” arrangement. She is in love with him, doesn’t see other men beside him, and still holds out hope that he will “get over” his commitment phobia. If she pushes it, he tells her she’s free to find someone else. And he doesn’t hide the fact that he dates other women. Afraid to lose him altogether, despite the emotional pain the non-commitment causes her, she backs off and things remain the same.
There may be a number of ways guys say it, he may have been hurt in the past or have other reasons to avoid commitment, but in the end what it means is this: He doesn’t want to commit to YOU. Because if he did, he would. It’s just that simple, most of the time.
This male blogger probably explains it better than I am in this post.
In another post, he lays out why women may be making this mistake – projection. It’s women who need time to decide if they love and want to commit to someone, not men. According to him, men know right away if they are willing to commit to a woman. In fact, he was shocked to discover that women aren’t this way, too!
As he puts it, women seem to need more time to access compatibility with a man because for women that is based on characteristics and personality traits that can only be determined by getting to know him and to see how he reacts to multiple situations over a period of time. Women mistake a guy not sure about commitment with this, how women do it.
Meanwhile men report the decision to commit or not being a much more instant and visceral thing. He “feels it” or he doesn’t. Sure that attraction can diminish with time if a gal’s personality doesn’t match her looks, but men say if a gal doesn’t meet flip his attraction triggers right away, it’s unlikely she ever will to the point that he will want to commit to her.
Or like the book of the same title says, “He’s just not that into you.” Because if he was, he would not be nonchalant about it.
There’s more to it than this, a red pill concept called the “sexual market place value” or SMP value of the man and the woman. (This is similar to the zero to ten point scale, aka “She’s a 7”) Women tend to want to date “up” in value and are unlikely to date or have sex with a man she considers beneath her own SMP value. Men (or at least men who are not celibate for moral reasons) will, although most men have a threshold they won’t want to go below even for easy sex.
Men also have a much harder time getting a woman with a SMP value equal to (or above) their own, the women they want to commit to, because those women are likely aiming for guys above their SMP.
Then it gets even trickier. Some men, those at the top of the SMP scale, with a SMP value of 8 plus, are in such demand that they can almost literally have their pick EXCEPT with female 8s and above. But women with a SMP value say of 6 or 7 (and less) will practically throw themselves at these men, who may in turn sleep with them or enter into a “I’m not your boyfriend” style relationship with them in hopes it will turn into more. If these women draw the line, they are easily replaced by other women more than willing to take their shot at the “prize” male.
If these women don’t understand he wouldn’t commit for this reason, their SMP value is not high enough to flip his commitment triggers, she may get a distorted view of her own SMP value by confusing men who she can have a casual sex relationship with as the same level she can have a committed relationship with, thus ignoring the 6 and 7 (or whatever her SMP value is) men whose attraction triggers she likely would flip. (Spoiler alert: Meanwhile these men who would commit are now checking out in record numbers because they are tired of playing a losing game.)
As the same male blogger explains above, while a man’s SMP value is based on a combination of looks, career achievement, status, wealth, and other factors, a woman’s is almost exclusively based on her looks and her age. As “sexist” as that is, it has been this way for millennia and it is unlikely to change. All that “inner beauty” stuff is really what gals tell each other not what men actually think. Now it is true a woman can certainly turn a man off with her personality, but for the most part his commit or not decision is made on first sight.
So what’s a gal to do? Be honest with herself. If there are factors she can change about her physical appearance (and there are many) she can move up the SMP scale and thus get a “better” guy. Barring that, she can accept her SMP value and stop having pseudo relationships with the guys “out of her league” and start dating men at her own SMP value. Or (and I would not recommend this option) she can accept that the higher SMP value man may add her to his booty call list, see her when he sees her, she will have little to say about it, and that he will not (ever, sorry but it’s true, as this blogger puts it point blank) commit to more.
Hate the message, not the messenger. I am just telling the ladies straight up what’s really going on when a guy doesn’t want to commit. The choice to play that game, or not, is up to her. But if she does, she can’t blame commitment phobia. Instead she should take ownership of it and admit, she wants a guy who is out of her league even if he won’t commit.
On the other hand, if a women can really absorb this information and forgo the ego boost (and crash) that sleeping with (but not actually “getting”) men of a higher SMP than her own, and focus only on dating men who are in her SMP zone, while doing all she can to improve and protect her SMP value, chances are high she can find a man of her own SMP value who will commit relatively easily (If they don’t all go MTGOW first that is).
And that’s the real solution to commitment phobia.
Let those who have ears hear.