dating, divorce, engagement, marriage, red pill, relationships, remarriage
Growing pains have started to emerge in the weeks following my engagement. Little things, but I am starting to wonder if they are not a warning sign of something more.
I suspect for both of us, we’ve been there, done that. Once bitten twice shy. When one first marries, all you can feel is excitement about the unknown territory ahead. Pure bliss, breakfasts in bed, cute pet names, and thinking each others habits are all so adorable are all one can imagine.
When you have been married before, you know how hard it can be. And what happens when it doesn’t work out. And that even when people go in saying they are all in, as years pass, it doesn’t always turn out that way. And then there are lawyers and judges and pain so deep you don’t know if it will ever end (it will.)
I do know my fiance is a wonderful man. That’s why his current behavior is so puzzling. Suspicion. Questions. Jealousy. Blame. The not so fun stuff. A side I have not seen before. He’s been burned, badly, in the past by untrue women and lately it feels like he’s imagining myself in that role.
Of course I don’t like it. Who would? I have done nothing in anyway untrue. I am trying to be understanding. I have my fears too, and the further we walk along the path, the more real it is becoming. I get that. So I am doing my best to be constructive, non-reactive and hope that this is just a phase we need to work through and that we’ll come out on the other side.
But I also threw a penny in a wishing well and silently wished that if we are going to end up getting divorced that we never make it to the getting married part. As hard as it is to say that.
Goodbye rose colored glasses. You didn’t protect me before, but sometimes not knowing how bad things can be is what it takes to get you to give you the courage to take the plunge. Wide eyed, it’s not so easy to jump.
So for now I am waiting and watching to see. I am reading up on what I can do to help manage my part of the picture in the most productive, healthy way. We all have baggage. Baggage isn’t the problem. It’s what people do with it. It’s people who can own and manage their baggage, rather than those who are destructively driven around by it, that make good partners. I am watching this front closely.
Not the best weekend, but on the other hand it’s not over yet.
“The worst type of communication is “no communication”. The best type of communication is clarification.”
― Sarah Tse
That’s rough, unfortunately I don’t know if there is anything you can do other than what you have already been doing to assuage his fears and hope it passes. I gotta give him some credit though, there is no way in hell I would ever get married in today’s legal climate and I’ve never even been burned in the past like he has. I don’t think a guy who knows first hand that marriages can go bad would ask you to marry you him unless he truly loved you. Anyway, I hope you guys can work it out.
These are his doubts bases on experience with someone else. You can’t take resposibility. While I haven’t been where you are, I would suggest carry on as a paragon of birtue and, in time, his fears will fade.
On this matter, I would be very interested in what Sfcton has to say.
One final thought, we’re all a little broken.
You knew that he was beta, Sweetcheeks. And now you’re surprised that he acts like a beta?
Or maybe you’re not guarding yourself from other men very well?
By contrast, I never worry about Mrs. Gamer, even when players are around her, unless she signals that she needs help. She manages/mateguards herself very well. And she was flirting very aggressively with me yesterday on the dance floor. No men even asked her to dance and I danced with other women as much as I wanted. I queried Mrs. Gamer’s feelings about the other women and she had no problem with my dancing with them. The key thing is that I flirted with Mrs. Gamer a lot and gave her comfort, too. She was thrilled. Game works and helps with relationships. See my post about relationships.
Best wishes anyway.
“The best type of communication is often no communication. Women love men who are aloof and not needy. Communication often demonstrates neediness.”
Hi gamer, he’s not what I would call beta, but I suppose that’s always a debate. He basically left me dangle for two days, did his own thing, he was definetly not being clingy for sure. We had a good talk today and I think it was a bump in the road. Fingers crossed.
The issue is that Mr. thinks he needs to mateguard you or that you aren’t mateguarding yourself very well.
Did you see my latest post where Mrs. Gamer accused me of being unfaithful? I understand being unfairly accused.
Mrs. Gamer thinks that one dancer is pretty wonderful. At the New Year’s Eve party he asked my permission to allow him to ask Mrs. Gamer to dance. I gave it happily. Mrs. Gamer danced exactly one dance with him.
I discovered the magic of flirting with Mrs. Gamer only yesterday. It was a spectacular discovery. No grief or drama about dancing with other women. Total bliss for Mrs. Gamer simply because I flirted with her while dancing. It’s all about the feelz.
I will check out your post gamer. Yes, flirting and comfort game goes a long wary to help a gal know all is well. Glad to hear that. Maybe I was shit testing and didnt know it, I dunno, but he wasn’t having it. All seems well now. Relationships!
@ fuzzie, maybe a Vesuvian Martian miscommunication. I am honestly perplexed but it was not computing at the time. I would be curious to hear scfton’s take too, having had a similar former betrayal. A trigger of some sort was flipped. In the heat of it I think I was too focused on defending myself and not enough on listening and being supportive. Not sure…you men are a mystery!
Maybe you did trip a switch. Hard to know. In the meanwhile, you’re pretty trustworthy so , you’ll get through this all right.
If you’d done or said something to make him suspicious, you wouldn’t have think about it. You’d know already. Don’t spend any more time wondering about that aspect.
You might have unwittingly done or said something that caused a mini flashback in him. It might not be easy to find it what it was, either. But it’s going to have to be sorted.
I just noticed something. Your loyal male followeres are rooting for your success. Are boys different that way?
@ fuzzie you know what they say about them ebul manosphere guys! 😉
Sorry to hear you are hitting some bumps along the road, Bloom. 😦
Even though I was married very young and my husband never went through any betrayals before, I’d say the period of time right before marriage was about the worst for us. He did get very “weird”, and inexplicably jealous, too. I don’t have any ideas…in his case, the phase passed but even the first year after marriage was pretty rocky. But he wasn’t very mature yet, unlike your guy I’m sure….we kind of grew up together. Not a luxury one has after kids and serious adult responsibilities.
Hope things get better, Bloom.
Growing up is overrated. P Been there, done that, going back to going-on-14.
Mrs. Gamer says that she’s in love with me. I’m glad that at least one of us gets to enjoy the feeling. Women get to be in love and men get to love but not be in love.
Soft-nexting a former dance partner. She doesn’t know it yet. Our dancing will be very limited instead of 10-12 per night. She won’t be happy, heh. She shouldn’t have been boring. Talking all the time about your husband/bf is very boring. Not getting to know your dance partner is boring.
Hi Liz, I agree with you that the time between engagement and thru the first year of marriage can be rocky, or it was for me the first time. Yesterday we got things back to a good space and in a weird way, we’re closer for it. I would like to think with age and experience things will be easier this time, but I suspect we’ll have our snags just like all do. Ah, love….nothing will make a person crazy faster! 😉
My take on most things in life is…..
It is simply a moment in time and will pass so there isn’t much profit in getting spun up about it
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You’re fortunate to have found a man, even if he’s beta, willing to remarry. Were I in his shoes, I’d have told you the most you could expect from me is maybe cohabitation. Optimally, you’d have your own place and I’d have mine. If I’m ever single again, legal marriage for me would be absolutely out of the question.
Touche, Deti. I was actually wondering this weekend if maybe continuing to date but keep separate abodes and not marrying was the answer.
I am curious why you would say he is beta because he is willing to remarry. Are you saying alphas do not marry (or remarry?) I will admit I still struggle with the whole alpha/beta distinction or why and if it is the be all end all of relationship failure or success. But I am always curious to hear how you see it, as I always find what you have to say very enlightening! p.s. do you have a blog?
I thought you said he was beta. asdgamer seemed to think you knew he was. Perhaps he isn’t beta, I don’t know. His disappearance for 2 days says aloof; or maybe just not paying attention.
Alphas do marry. A few probably do remarry. But I’d say most “red pill” men wouldn’t remarry under current conditions. The whole alpha-beta distinction isn’t something you should get too concerned about. Most men have some of both in them. In general, alpha with a side of beta is best. To me, relationship failure or success depends mostly on women; since they’re the ones who usually talk and work themselves into detonating their own relationships.
No I don’t have a blog other than J4G where I’m one of the more or less regulars.
@ the deti, I see. I am not sure why gamer thought he is beta. I’d say he is a blend. He is a former police officer, CA highway patrol, then SWAT team member for many years. He is now a high level executive at a high tech company. He is extremely intelligent, and I would say besides the guys on J4G seem to be, the most emotionally aware man I have ever met in real life. He did go aloof, but he also did not completely disappear and he knew full well what was going on. I’d say he was more checking in to see if I was done with my spin, and if not he’d drop away again, then check back until I had both realized I was about to lose a very good thing if I didn’t stop and that maybe I was making a mountain out of a molehill. And that I still wanted to be with him. Then he was kind of of like, “ok, there, there” pat on the head and that was that. He must want to be with me pretty bad to put up with that, considering his options! Indeed, I am lucky. I think I better learn to control my emotions a bit more. You truly are right that in most cases, woman talk themselves into or take actions to detonate relationships because of their “feelz” driving their behavior, often irrationally (cringe.) Well said and something for me to keep in mind!
@ deti I wish you would start a blog! You truly “get it” IMHO. The world could use more wisdom from Deti!
@ deti and others, I am always open to guest posts by men explaining the red pill to a female audience. (Hint, hint…)
Thanks. But a female audience would do better by just going to the following:
— Heartiste.wordpress.com (archives starting in 2007 up to about early 2011)
–Alpha Game (Vox Day’s game/intersexual relationship site) – alphagameplan.wordpress.com
There’s entirely too much reinventing the wheel around here.
That is a good point! I will post that list of suggestions, thanks!
@ scfton well and very succinctly said! And so, so, so true.
That’s pure hillbilly wisdom straight from my grandpaw. It also saw me through combat divers qualification course, which set a new low on how bad life can suck.
Your grandpas taught you well! It’s solid advice for all sorts of situations.
Emily L said:
Bloom, happy new year! Sorry to hear about the situation, but great that all is well again! Your quote about communication is an important reminder. But also, given how great you dealt w the initial pre-proposal discussion, it’s not surprising that things are in a good place again!