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Growing pains have started to emerge in the weeks following my engagement. Little things, but I am starting to wonder if they are not a warning sign of something more.

I suspect for both of us, we’ve been there, done that. Once bitten twice shy. When one first marries, all you can feel is excitement about the unknown territory ahead. Pure bliss, breakfasts in bed, cute pet names, and thinking each others habits are all so adorable are all one can imagine.

When you have been married before, you know how hard it can be. And what happens when it doesn’t work out. And that even when people go in saying they are all in, as years pass, it doesn’t always turn out that way. And then there are lawyers and judges and pain so deep you don’t know if it will ever end (it will.)

I do know my fiance is a wonderful man. That’s why his current behavior is so puzzling. Suspicion. Questions. Jealousy. Blame. The not so fun stuff. A side I have not seen before. He’s been burned, badly, in the past by untrue women and lately it feels like he’s imagining myself in that role.

Of course I don’t like it. Who would? I have done nothing in anyway untrue. I am trying to be understanding. I have my fears too, and the further we walk along the path, the more real it is becoming. I get that. So I am doing my best to be constructive, non-reactive and hope that this is just a phase we need to work through and that we’ll come out on the other side.

But I also threw a penny in a wishing well and silently wished that if we are going to end up getting divorced that we never make it to the getting married part. As hard as it is to say that.

Goodbye rose colored glasses. You didn’t protect me before, but sometimes not knowing how bad things can be is what it takes to get you to give you the courage to take the plunge. Wide eyed, it’s not so easy to jump.

So for now I am waiting and watching to see. I am reading up on what I can do to help manage my part of the picture in the most productive, healthy way. We all have baggage.  Baggage isn’t the problem. It’s what people do with it. It’s people who can own and manage their baggage, rather than those who are destructively driven around by it, that make good partners. I am watching this front closely.

Not the best weekend, but on the other hand it’s not over yet.

“The worst type of communication is “no communication”. The best type of communication is clarification.”
― Sarah Tse