I hate to admit this but lately I have been acting like an idiot and I need to knock it off. The green eyed monster is getting the better of me.
i don’t know why I am feeling this way. My fiancé is one of the most loyal and honest people I have ever met. But for some reason jealousy has still gotten the better of me at least twice in the past two months.
I pout. Get mad. Act like a spoiled brat. Then the next day I cringe and wish I could take it all back.
Case in point, yesterday we were at a party with his large group of friends, all married couples. For some reason I find one woman in particular threatening. She’s very flirtatious and I also know she’s unhappy married, unlike the other couples. I think she flirts because she’s not getting validation from her own man, but I wish she’d stop seeking an ego boost from mine. Back off, sista!
Maybe knowing her relationship is rocky is why her friendship with my fiancé threatens me. I worry what if she was single? Then the runaway jealousy train gets going, and I start operating form some two year old level, pouting and acting aloof, imagining all sorts of malarkey.
Maybe it’s what the guys call shit tests. I am not sure. But I know it’s annoying and if I don’t get it under control it’s going to cause serious damage to our relationship. He’s been understanding so far, but he’s also told me I need figure it out and stop doing it.
I wish I could be like frequent commenter Liz, who just laughs it off when the ladies at the bakery write love notes on the box to her hottie husband. I’d probably be sending them back the box with threatening notes made up of letters clipped from magazines! I admire her self control.
Luckily for me, he gets it. He’s had his own struggles with the green eyed monster, too. He knows it’s irrational.
Insecurity and fear of loss suck. And if one isn’t careful, they can drive you right toward what you fear most. Love. It can bring out the strangest things, not all of them good.
So I am going to do all I can to put the green eyed monster in time out before I seriously muck things up. Wish me luck!
Notes From a Red Pill Girl 
Redpillgirlnotes,
It wasn’t that long ago that your beau had his own demons to deal with. Now, you have yours. There does seem to be some symmetry here. These demons are each dealing with what people in your past did to you. You’ll work through it.
In the meanwhile, bear video.
Bears aren’t equipped to kiss very well. Rubbing snouts might work better.
Indeed Fuzzie, old wounds. The only way to the other side is straight thru. And faith!
Redpillgirlnotes,
You’ll get there. Don’t worry and sleep well.
I’m not impervious, Bloom. 🙂
But, since I find my guy to be very attractive, it would be odd in the extreme if no one else did. I expect everyone else to see what I see. I actually think there’s something wrong with a woman who doesn’t find my man attractive.
“Gurl gave the stinkeye to MY MAN?!? Somethin’ wrong with dat buggie-eyed bitch!”
And paradoxically, the more women find him attractive, the better he feels and the more attractive he becomes. That’s the price…but it sure beats the alternative. Take pride in your man, and the fact that he’s attractive to others, and he will find this an attractive trait in you. 😉
Cute bear video, Fuzzie!
Thought I’d add an anecdote on the flip side. My husband’s ex girlfriend is a textbook example of what not to do. She was extremely, extremely jealous with him.
As a result, she was constantly either depressed, angry, or actively practicing some form of destructive mate guarding. She’d try to fatten him up, keep him from working out. She’d tell him she liked it when he farted loudly and audibly in public. She also wanted him to dress poorly, and said she liked it when he had a shaved head. My husband has beautiful, thick black hair and skull is slightly pointed from his forceps delivery at birth, so a shaved head definitely isn’t a good look for him.
Maybe a few less women found him attractive but none of this made her any less miserable, and he associated bad feelings with her and found her to be manipulative and controlling. That sure wasn’t love. If you love someone you want to see him happy, not a miserable browbeaten codependent. She was a very poor tactician. I give her, objectively, an F minus.
(this woman was the one his mother wanted him to marry)
this woman was the one his mother wanted him to marry
Out of curiousity, did his mother behave this way as well? Years ago, I made the mistake of going on a date with a girl my mother had met through her job, and she turned out to be a condescending, passive-aggressive, miserable bitch.
Just like Mom.
“Out of curiousity, did his mother behave this way as well?”
Not really. They’d been dating for three years, and I think she thought he owed her. Her exact words were, “You should marry her. If it doesn’t work out just get a divorce.” She was out of her mind.
It’s interesting to consider her perspective on things, though…or what I’d imagine it to be. From her perspective, she did everything right. She was a virgin before, she was physically loyal during that time, high honors engineering student at college, they had sex daily.
He just wasn’t into her. Of course, she was constantly bitching and angry and depressed and controlling…but on a spreadsheet, she looked great. She didn’t bake or cook for him or do anything nice, ‘just because’, but making some cookies pales by comparison to a lot of other things. He never even gave her a drawer at his place after three years. Think guilt and pity were the “glue” that kept that relationship going so long.
@ Liz good point, I know a couple like that, she’s extremely jealous to the point of rediculous. I agree, that is not a good relationship to be in, nor do I want that dynamic. I will keep that in mind, very helpful!
I find the difference between male and female perspectives on jealousy interesting.
Many years ago I dated a woman who was somewhat unstable. In the beginning she liked me a lot, but wanted to change certain things about me. And the more I changed to be what she said she wanted, the more she began to hold me in contempt and the less attracted to me she was. An old, common story.
But one interesting thing she said to me – she was working in a lab, and the other lab worker was a man who was handsome and enjoyed flirting with her. She told me about how handsome he was and how much he wanted her over and over again. I can only assume her goal was to make me jealous, but she never got the slightest rise out of me. She couldn’t figure out why. In her perspective, if she felt jealous of some other woman who was flirting with me, she would have been more attracted to me, and more eager to prove her own worth to me. In other words, jealousy would spur her to take action to claim me. So she could not understand why her telling me about this lab assistant wasn’t making me jealous, wasn’t spurring me to some competition anxiety, and she asked me why.
I responded that I have no interest in jealousy. Either she is my girlfriend and I have no cause for jealousy, or she is interested in other men – meaning that she is trash (or at least, trash as a girlfriend to me) – and I still have no cause for jealousy. I told her this, but it was obvious she didn’t understand. It simply wasn’t how she viewed life, attraction, or competition.
I think jealousy and envy are worse than adultery. Because adultery can occur absent hate for a relationship. Bloom you’re nuts to get married while you have these feelings.
i’d go on buy I’m typing with one hand .
Don’t text and drive, BV!
@ Jeremy there is something to that I think, some projection on a woman’s part in loving hypergamy. Maybe women assume men are “looking to trade up” when really that’s more of a female strategy? The assistant may have been plan b, an orbiter, etc? Or maybe it’s a preselection projection, as you say she’s thinking you would be spurred to up your boyfriend game bc of the competition? Just thinking out loud here, hummm… Rollo at rational male talks about these female motives in depth.
Bv I would like to hear more… Not sure I understand what you mean….but I always value your input!
Or read and drive, bv!
Also @ bv I don’t disagree that these feelings need to get sorted out before going ahead. I suspect what’s going on is old stuff is coming up, we’ve both been married and divorced, with prior partners untrue on both sides, we both know all too well the magnitude and risk — we are talking very openly about all these feelings and I think that’s key. So these are not unexpressed or undiscussed feelings. If we weren’t feeling these things, considering the downsides as well as the up, I think that would be unrealistic. I know a great counselor, very wise (and red pill savvy) I think it might be good for us to go talk with him, get a outside take, nip bad juju in the bud.
@Bloom
He wasn’t an orbiter – he wasn’t offering her friendship. He was very clearly flirting with her. She was trying to make me jealous because to her, preselection of a man by other women makes that man more attractive. She thought that by telling me that another man found her attractive, that would make her seem more attractive to me. She thought that making me jealous would make me pursue her more ardently.
She didn’t realize that preselection only works for women. Men are turned off by competition anxiety. Married men are more attractive to women. Married women are NOT more attractive to men.
Some men DO get jealous, but that jealousy is almost never productive, nor does it usually work out well for either partner. Whereas female jealousy can potentially be used to increase attraction in LTRs – hence dread game. Not my style, but then I am very beta.
@ Jeremy I have heard of preselection increasing a man’s attractiveness but at least for me it doesn’t work that way. Any guy in a relationship is off my radar entirely. Not my style, either. But I have seen other women respond to preselection. I find it a weird concept, if you could snag another gal’s guy, why would he be a trustworthy or a good partner? Makes no sense. I don’t get it but that’s the theory anyway!
Anyone purposely evoking jealousy, as you describe, seems like drama. Life is complicated enough! Good call there.
In my case I think it’s flashbacks, not anything my current partner is doing. Tmi but maybe as a female who has been impacted by another woman’s preselection tendencies (she moved in on him after we had a baby, broke up our family, then tossed him aside a few weeks later in her psychotic hypergamy pursuit of something ever better, f*cking wench, grrrr, dont get me started, not tthat it wasn’t his fault too, but she was a serious f’ed up piece of work! in a deceptively innocent looking package, and married w a child herself at the time to boot!) maybe i am rightfully so aware of this sick game (some) women play.
And yet, that’s the past so I have been really looking at my current reaction, to examine and hopefully eliminate/heal the hurt place that comes from. Or if not eliminate, at least try to control my knee jerk response. Getting hurt sucks, seems natural to want to avoid that, but if a fear is unchecked and unwarrented, well then it’s just counterproductive. Once bitten twice shy?
I am confident we will work thru it, he’s been there too, so he gets it and has empathy, thank goodness! But he doesn’t want it to become status quo and again, rghtfully so. Jealousy does not lead to happiness.
The jealousy might be something bubbling up from your subconscious. Perhaps what needs to happen is that your subconscious needs to be assured that he won’t go that way. That’ll take time.
I don’t know if I have related this story here but, preselection is powerful stuff. While at my computer and signed on to OkCupid, I started an IM converstion with a 99% match. Things were going great. While this was going on, about as many women visited my profile in an hour than in a normal week.
How did they know?
When it rains, it pours.
@ Jeremy alas I forgot to say, turned out the things she hoped to gain, a thriving business and lovely property and home were not his but mine. He’s a single loser who lcan’t get a date, she’s been round and round the carousel with no takers and was couch surfing with whoever would have her last I heard, and I am yet living and working my dream and engaged to a fabulous man! Karma, as they say, can be a bitch!
And suddenly I am feeling much better about all this! I guess it did work out after all, despite the trauma it was at the time.
C’est la vie! Cheers! (Clink!)
Indeed fuzzie. It does seem that way.
One more update on the outcome above, the Val’s ex (who is a great guy, her loss) got full custody of their young son. The court made the right call there, God knows what a head case growing up w her would have made him!
Ok enough of my venting, toss a dollar in the hat please, move along, nothing to see here (famous last words but I will try to behave!)
Redpillgirlnotes,
You should be pissed off. What that woman attempted was pretty rotten.
Bloom, you’re giving this woman an awful lot of power over you.
It sounds as though you have a very honorable, good man in your life right now. Take a deep breath, and don’t try to get over the past…Decide to get over it. It really is that simple.
Talking about your feelings with a therapist isn’t going to get you anywhere on this, it’s just a way to rehash and keep the infection alive. My husband and I have had problems. We get through them, and it’s over. Really, truly. Rehashing and pontificating will just drag you down, and then you’ll associate those bad feelings with each other, and then you’ll start to drag each other down. It’s only a hop skip and a jump from that to irreparable damage. So, decide today and drop that person’s power over you. Just my .02.
I’d say good luck, but it isn’t a matter of luck, so…go Bloom, go! ((hugs))
Redpillgirlnotes,
I don’t know if this will help but, here goes. From my pointof view, it’s tough to improve on you. Why consider another woman?
To add to what Liz said, bear huigs.
And if Lizard’s advice doesn’t work, track the bitch down and punch her in the throat. You’ll feel loads better, promise.
Well, maybe not your hand, but the rest of you will feel great.
Good advice Liz, thanks! Hugs!
Trust me Sumo, I have imagined it. But I think lizard nailed it, I am giving all that too much power. Yep, yep!
P.s you guys are all so smart! 😀
@ fuzzie you are too kind. I am actually just as confused as anyone, maybe more, but I mean well! Luckily I have my whole life to fine tune, learn, and explore! Hopefully my ramblings help others. That’s my hope. Peace!
50 shades of grey…
@ 🙂 Are you suggesting I need a spanking? Now there’s an idea…I will take it up with the Mr. Lol.
Redpillgirlnotes,
From you7r response to that wag, it looks like you’re on the mend.
@ fuzzie, lol. I wasn’t sure what else they could have meant! But then I have not actually read the book, just heard about it.
i’ve never read 50 shades of grey either. its readers seem to be really into submission, domination, entrapment, degradation, punishment, and control. i’ve hated violence since i was a young child. all this drama is not my cup of tea. i would never try to keep something against its will. i can have debates with people who disagree with me and i can still be friends with them after. i like nerding out on tons of subjects. i like spending tons of hours working, learning, making innovative things. the things i make i do all myself and i never copy other peoples work. 50 Shades of Grey is the complete opposite of Big Eyes.
Envy, in my opinion, is worse than adultery or many other things because it expresses a desire to control another human being. It’s a wonderful gateway ‘drug’ for the nirvana that is bitter and suspicious and soon-to-be vicious co-dependency. I’m not going to tell another story, but if I encounter envy or worse, irrational jealousy, I’m looking for my car keys.
No, I wasn’t driving. I’m doing a lot of roadwork now and I fell on the ice. On the shoulder that was reconstructed, so it was barking and I was back in a sling. Getting calmed down now, no reason for concern. Did 8 miles before 6 a.m. today.
@bv ouch re the shoulder. I see what you are saying and agree jealousy is very destructive. Agreed!
Just reading the comments section at Rollo’s site and there’s a self-described “hottie” named kryptokate who says if you are good looking, you are going to cheat. She believes that all the rest are slumming because they have to. Dicks just fall into her vagina, like an industrial floor polisher into an MRI magnet!
Sorry to hear about the shoulder, BV. Hope you are on the mend.
@liz wow she sure sounds like a real peach (not!) 😉
Red Pill Girl,
I like your site. I found your comments at Rollo’s site interesting, so I came over to take a look.
It would be nice if you created a single page with just links to all of your articles.
This would make it easier to browse, and especially to get an updated copy of all your articles without also downloading the (at least) thousands of housekeeping files that site software insists on creating.
Here is a different take on “co-dependency”.
.
1) “How the Co-dependency Movement Is Ruining Marriages by Willard F. Harley, Jr.” [Dr. Harley is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist from Minnesota (Ph.D., Psychology, University of California at Santa Barbara).]
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8110_cod.html
“Those of us in the business of trying to save marriages struggle daily with cultural beliefs and practices that make our job difficult. The sudden surge of divorces in the 1970’s, that has made America the country with the highest divorce rate, has a great deal to do with changes in our basic beliefs. More to the point, it has to do with a major shift toward self-centeredness. Beliefs that encourage self-centeredness destroy marriage.
“One of these is the belief that co-dependent behavior is self-defeating and that we should rid ourselves of it. It’s a wolf in sheep’s clothing and a marriage wrecker. I’ll try to explain why I feel so strongly about this issue.”
…
“The care and consideration of our spouse does not leave us emotionally disabled — unless our spouse turns out to be an addict. When it comes to addiction in marriage, my advice is to run for cover! But in marriages that do not suffer from addiction, care and consideration is not the problem, but rather the solution to problems.
“In my judgment, the co-dependency movement, which began with such valuable insight, has become a monster. In over-reaching, it has subjected healthy people to the same norms as unhealthy people, and in so doing, has caused much more harm than good. Married couples should be on guard from the ruinous effects of the co-dependency movement on marriage, especially if one of them suffers from anxiety or depression.”
.
2) The following is an excerpt from
takeninhand[]com/do.you.need.more.attention.in.your.relationship
Having a good relationship requires, amongst other things, that the individuals devote attention to one another. When life intervenes, and attention is lacking, one or other person can sometimes start to feel bad, start to miss the other person, start to miss engaging with the other person. This is not necessarily a sign that the person needs to toughen up and become less vulnerable, it is part of what it means to be human. Those who are happy not to see or talk to their spouse week in, week out may be proud of their psychological independence, but if you have a deep, intimate connection with someone, it is natural to want to engage with that person.
In some relationships, when people feel a lack of engagement, they are unable to express that openly and honestly. …
And so, they panic. They start throwing damning-sounding labels around, and wondering if they need therapy. They despise their “co-dependency” and deny their human need for attention and engagement with the one they love.
But because they do need attention, they are drawn, unconsciously, to destructive actions. They sulk, snap at the person when he or she is there, and pine when he or she is not. They are less kind, less accommodating, more defensive. They might pick fights. …
You might think that the answer to this problem is to lead ever more separate lives, working towards not needing the other person at all. …
But just what exactly is the point of being in a relationship if it is only theoretical and in your own mind? A relationship implies a connection between two individuals. If the relationship does not involve engaging with the other person, it is not a relationship you have, it is a fantasy. There is nothing wrong with having a fantasy; but don’t confuse that with having a relationship.
Forget the ghastly psychobabble labels; forget the self-deprecation; forget the goal of not needing the other person. Instead, work towards being honest and open about your desire for engagement, without imposing on the one you love. The more you can be open-hearted and honest about your feelings, the easier it will be to meet your need for engagement in the relationship, and the less you will find yourself acting destructively.
Well said, Eon. 🙂
I think it illustrates the difference between mutual interdependence and codependence.
That’s a very important distinction in relationships…not only romantic ones, but all human interactions (interdependence is necessary for a functioning modern society…both direct and, especially, indirect exchanges).
@ Ron thanks for the thoughtful reply, lots to ponder there. I will also make a links to all posts page, good idea. They are stacking up! 🙂
Oops I meant eon, autocorrect sorry!
@ Liz indeed. After taking the attachment styles test I linked to in the other post, I could see my result (anxious preoccupied) is playing in too, and I need to work on that. Losing my dad at age 2 in a car accident (I was not in the car) was devastating in a way that I struggle with get. That stroke of bad luck, followed by being raised by a mother in deep grief most of the time, led me to have abandonment fears beyond the garden variety. When I read on it, I could see that this jealousy is related to that. My partner can empathize and reassure me (and he’s great at this) but I also need to be aware that he can’t ever give enough affirmation to change that, I need to do a good share of it. And remember to think good thoughts, not jump on the “what if” train. He tested “secure” type, which didn’t surprise me as he was raised in a happy functional intact family, luckily. My best match. My ex was avoidant dismissive, a toxic match where when I sought comfort he would withdraw, then I would get upset, and he’d get tired of the neediness for affirmation, etc. he was/is not a “bad” person, just had his own childhood stuff that left us triggering each other’s stuff all the time. I needed closeness, he needed space. My fiancé read up on my type and is totally sympathetic and on board as far as supporting my desire to over one this hurdle and to do what he can to help. He’s truly wonderful and I am very fortunate! I see good things now and ahead!
What Liz said about flirty women having good taste in (your) men;
https://notesfromaredpillgirl.com/2015/01/19/battles-with-the-green-eyed-monster/comment-page-1/#comment-2277
If that happens, let the tension build up during the event. Maybe drag your man off to a corner for a quickie make out session. Then when you get home, mark your territory…thoroughly.
I struggle with this very badly. I am not an attractive woman by all means and I struggle with my weight by about 10-15lbs or so and I have a lot of skin issues. I also have crooked teeth and I need glasses (can’t tolerate contacts). I notice the women my partner checks out are always lot more attractive than I am. Most of them are also blonde and I have dark mousy hair. I tend to bottle this up as not to cause arguments and I have recently been getting the urge to self harm again after many years of breaking a really bad habit that has left me with high grade scarring all over my body. I am pregnant at the moment and would do no such thing but the thoughts keep on coming into my head. I keep thinking he will cheat on me with these other women behind my back and I can’t understand why he is with me and why he supports me financially and wants to have sex with me when he desires these women who make me feel like I don’t have the right to exist. He’s a short east asian man and he’s very socially awkward but he has a way with attractive white women and he did the whole pua thing before he met me. I keep wanting to hurt myself and I keep having suicidal thoughts. I worry that I will get to the point where I will do something to end it all just to avoid being let down. Years of self abuse which I realized too late has gotten me this way and I can’t expect someone to love me as much as they would have done otherwise. I really can’t think of another way out when things go inevitably fail.
Hannah, please take good care of yourself and your baby. Seek help when you feel overwhelmed, talk to your friends and family, if you can. Once you have a moment for yourself — and please try to find it — get a makeover, even if a small one, and do something for yourself to make you feel better.
This probably wasn’t the best site for you to open up with your pain — though it’s a good thing you did — but please know that there is hope and help out there. You are not alone.