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Someone* once said to me, “Most problems are caused by user error,” meaning many of the struggles in life are self-created ones.
Realizing this can be a double edged sword. On one hand it is empowering — to struggle or not in most cases becomes a choice. On the other hand, it requires taking responsibility for your life outcome, owning that you are the cause of your problem.
Try it. Make a written or mental list of your biggest problems and struggles. Then ask yourself how many of them are actually caused by your own decisions and choices, or decisions or choices you should/could be making but aren’t?
It can be both painful and liberating to realize nearly all factors in life are within our own control. That life is, like it or not, good or bad, what we have made it.
Sure, there are exceptions, times when circumstances beyond one’s control impose suffering — like being born into a dysfunctional family, getting cancer, losing everything in a fire or natural disaster, being laid off due to a downsizing, having a partner dying or walk out with no warning, being caught up in a war zone.
But even in these cases, there is still a choice involved and that choice is how you respond to factors out of your control. Constructive or destructive, how you react to tragedy is still a choice completely within your control. (Understanding this is what heroes and inspirational souls are made of.)
Luckily, true tragedy beyond control doesn’t strike often in life. Most of the time there is no outside random situation or circumstance imposing the suffering. Upon examination, we are usually creating the situation ourselves with the choices large and small we make every day. In these cases it’s as simple — and as hard — as choosing to do different.
Pity parties, blaming others, or adopting a victim stance may soothe the ego, but they only prolong the suffering.
Start doing yourself a favor, if you have been falling prey to user error forgive yourself (we’re all human), then take ownership of your life, identify the user error that’s causing you (and very likely others) suffering, and take action to change the situation from what you don’t want into what you do want.
Whatever the issue, problem, struggle, or roadblock — from weight loss, to a career funk, to relationship woes, to money problems — it’s almost always just that simple, and just that difficult. Choices. Action. Not choosing. Not taking action. A good attitude. A bad attitude.
And the good news, or the bad news, is the only person who can do it, or keep yourself from doing it, is you.
Let those who have ears hear.
—————-
*The someone who said this, ironically, knew this because they themselves were an expert at user error.
Notes From a Red Pill Girl 
Here’s my favorite bear video to illustrate that the bear should not have climbed that tree-user error.
@ fuzzie OUCH! 😦
Great post! I feel like I read so much scarcity mentality and victim mentality from manosphere commenters – as if their entire life and problems are due to women or to some woman that hurt them. I do think women are mostly the problem in their marriages… but omg some of these men take it so far, and actually would claim to feel no remorse if their wife or girlfriend died “because I KNOW what she REALLY is.” Ugh… are you saying that you’re not capable of feeling caring feelings towards someone (a woman… any woman)? Can you imagine if I just said that about my husband… that if he died, I could “care less, not out of spite,” but just because, deep down.. I knew he was worthless to me all along. That is exactly what a lot of these manosphere men think. It’s disgusting.
There is a difference between making one’s entire existence pivotal on whether on not they have a woman in their life, and in being a dysfunctional person that has no feelings or remorse. I’m afraid the more I read manosphere blogs, the more I’m convinced that men that have been burned truly hate women.
“but omg some of these men take it so far, and actually would claim to feel no remorse if their wife or girlfriend died “because I KNOW what she REALLY is.”
Yeah, I read that one too. Wish I hadn’t.
I love that bear video, Fuzzie. 🙂
@ girlwdragonflytatoo There is a lot of hurt, anger, and bitterness in the manosphere, true. And that is part of its purpose, to give these men a place to vent and heal and find support from other men which is something we gals have in female circles but men often don’t. Some of these men have been ditched by a cheating spouse, had their children taken from them, had their financial world left in ruins. Remembering that helps me not get too hung up on that part.
In a similar way it could be said that feminism blames men for all that is wrong in women’s lives.
All men aren’t evil, all women aren’t evil, there are both truly evil men and women yes, but luckily for the most part I find people to be well meaning.
I have actually learned a LOT from the bitter rantings of the manosphere!
@ Liz I missed that comment, where was that?
I agree. Ultimately, it is a good thing. I just worry sometimes that (reading the comments) some are becoming anti-social (psychopaths) lol that truly do mean that they do not value or care about women anymore. Like it’s gone too far in their own minds to where they actually do believe all women are evil. It’s disturbing.
But yes, overall, I think it’s good – and yes, I’m amazed at the things I’ve learned too! It’s helped me be a better wife for sure!
@Liz!!! You understand me! LOL I just cannot imagine if some women came on their site and had the nerve to say something like that. And yet some dude can just say it and be in the clear.
But …. it really IS the “manosphere” & it isn’t moderated… and I think it is good in a way for us to be aware of how our society has viewed men for so long – how it’s started to affect some super negatively.
Unfortunately, the ugly truth is that I have heard of women viewing their husbands somewhat in that way – that well, if he died, I’d have a plan B in place to take care of me. I’ve actually read a woman (who is a truly wonderful woman in many ways) say that early in her marriage, she would think about if he died, who she would be able to marry up next!! She realized how horrible that thinking was, but the fact that it was there is telling.
I guess that’s the same thing, and even though we know it’s bad, it’s looked at less harshly than when a man dares to say something like that.
hmmm….
Just ran across the following quote from Thomas a Kempis, which seems relevant:
“Be not angry that you cannot make others as you wish them to be, since you cannot make yourself as you wish to be.”
Dragonfly…there was an article somewhere a couple of years ago (I think the NYT but not positive) with interviews with elderly women who were disappointed that their husbands were still alive, as they had been counting on nice long widowhoods. IIRC, the husbands mostly didn’t have burdensome health problems, they were just viewed as in the way of “fun with the girls.”
Yikes Photoncourier, with spouses like that, who needs enemies?
Egads!
@ girlwithadragonflytattoo True, I have also heard women say similar and it just makes my jaw drop! Either way, if someone is wishing their spouse dead, maybe divorce is in order? Yikes!
In my own life, I have always tried to turn bitterness and anger and pain into something positive, to somehow make lemonade from the lemons. Not that I have not ranted or wallowed or spewed my fair share, trust me!
Also, there are probably 5 things I could list right now where I could apply my own advice and reduce user error. We are all works in progress! 🙂
I’d say a huge part in identifying user error is identifying what your problems actually are. You may have real issues in your life, but if you fail to pinpoint the source then you may try and “fix” things by tackling the wrong problem, and then you fail to fix anything, further supporting your belief that you’re an innocent victim!
@photoncourier
“Be not angry that you cannot make others as you wish them to be, since you cannot make yourself as you wish to be.”
Love it. Thank you
@ ss yes, that is very true! For example, for years I followed the advice given on “be a modern woman” and doing so caused many problems. That’s another thing I learned from the manosphere/red pill, a lot of what women (and men) are told is “how it works” actually doesn’t work at all!
Girlwiththedragonflytattoo,
The manosphere is where romantic men comne to die, in a sense. I think you can imagine that all that devotion is not worth spit is a hard pill to take.
While it doesn’t apply to me, alot of these guys have been put through stuff I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy.
One thing about “user error”–in systems of all kinds, the likelihood of user error happening or not happening is greatly influenced by the design of the system. In medicine, for example, it has been found that attention to the physical design of drug packaging can reduce the odds of a nurse (who is under great time pressure) giving the patient the wrong medicine. There was a case where the design of one blood-pressure monitor played a major role in causing OR staff to believe everything was fine with the patient when actually his blood pressure was at a very dangerous level. And in aviation, there have been many cases where the design of a system was found to contribute to user errors.
Perhaps the influence of “system design” is also a factor in the kind of “user error” you are talking about here.
For anyone interested, I wrote about the dangers lurking in human-to-system communications here:
http://chicagoboyz.net/archives/39039.html
Yup. My moment of clarity was with my hormonal disorder. I was always so sure that I wasn’t an “irrational girl/female”, that it wasn’t part of me, that my anger, sadness, lethargy, nervousness, etc, all had proper sources all the time and that these sources were always other people and external things. So I tried to fix it by fighting the perceived sources. Only when I learned that it was actually an internal “malfunction” did I finally realize A: what an idiot I had been, B: how much worse I was making it and C: what I could actually do to help myself.
@ photoncourier…. sort of, if you mean people doing what the blue pill code says but not realizing things run on the red pill code?
This post was in response to my pondering a (guy) friend’s relationship woes. In his case, it’s like she’s the player cad and he is the gal who thinks he’s going to change his mind and commit. He is tormented and in pain, yet can’t seem to see the obvious answer to that (Next!) But the same could be said for the gal who chases the alpha who is out of her league and then blames him for her broken heart. So that was behind this post, pondering how the heck people get into these painful situations, but there are all kinds of ways this could be applied.
Redpillgirlnotes,
Your freind needs yo get out. She is never going to respect him if he keeps pining away for her and eats his heart out.
FuzzieWuzzie – you’re right… sometimes I can’t believe what they’ve been through – hence it making me want to be better & go above and beyond as a wife. I do think hypergamy affects all women… but it’s people’s choices that ultimately make their difference.
My biggest problem and struggle is its to damn cold for motorcycling
Personally I have suffered no real user errors and struggles since I walked on my ex wife and main stream philosophies of living. My user errors and struggles of the pass occurred because I took the complaints of a woman an the advice of beta males seriously. Never again.
Having been married I would have had no remorse if my then wife died before I walked. Hell that would have been better then winning the lottery. Still would as Id get $1200 a month pay raise. Don’t get pissy with the men for saying that sort of thing; think about what a cunt that kind of woman is and what a nightmare said man is/ was living.
Women’s inherit team woman mentality and solipsism really henders empathy
For the record I think most women think that when their husband dies. Or they are pissed they lost their draft horse. I have buried 24 close friends and a brother. I can count the number of women who seems more sad then angry at their husband’s death on one hand.
Same goes for the number of women who don’t trash talk their dead husband.
People are evil. All men, all women it’s just women get a pass for it most of the time and often encourage to be evil and celebrated for doing harm.
For feminism to die men will have to crush it and women. That requires uncaring men, with no regard to women’s concern. Women elected that possible course of action when they elected to turn their hands against men.
@scfton does it get that cold in the south? Seems like there must be some gear that would keep you warm. Good windproof gloves are hardest to find. Or are you getting arctic blasted? It’s been balmy and sunny where I am, 60s even! It would normally be raining and grey.
I get what you are saying re your ex. Hard to believe you have to pay her for life when she’s the one who broke the vows. Is there any way to contest alimony?
As for hellfire and brimstone, as you know I am hoping more for an awakening than a collapse. Hopefully it won’t come to it getting that bad before it gets better.
The manosphere has its raw and bleeding side (and I’ve contributed a few confessions), but it’s nothing like what we would see if the divorce/child services/domestic violence industries and laws militated against women, instead of men. Holy hell, they’re noisy and aggressive now — and they wrote all the rules and they’re in charge.
Probably one of the reasons women find manosphere observations (by men) so raw is that they (the women) can’t fathom the idealism men bring to their LTRs and marriages. Women are far more practical and opportunistic. As we all know, women have been shown in academic research to always have a Plan B or C or D. When a idealistic man loses his family his Plan B is usually actively contemplated suicide. This is inconceivable to a woman. She has hypergamy, he has emotional hyperbole.
For men to avoid self-sabotage, they need to do something women need not; they need to decide if they can carve out an emotional life in an environment explicitly, and systemically, hostile (legally, financially, emotionally, theologically if so inclined) to their interests. In the face of that, women remark on men being “bitter” or “angry.” That’s fine, but the reason they can make such judgments with such equanimity is that they are not subject to the same conditions, while they manage their relationships much more practically. The status quo already serves them, and the men who tire them with their anecdotes of hell remind them of their complicity in the current social transformation.
It’s just another form of the famous female-in-a-bar sorting mechanism. Men fall into three categories: 1) I’ll marry him; 2) I’ll screw him; 3) He needs to shut up, fuck off, and die. Most women would prefer that men bringing the heat in the manosphere just shut up, fuck off, and die.
I agree that the tales of woe become repetitive and some personalities appear stuck in a self-flaggellating rut. I ran out of patience with Peak Manosphere Woe last fall. (Also I had most of the manosphere cliches about women reaffirmed in a dizzy infatuation I stumbled into, an experience so programmatic I didn’t even want to relay it.) Some guys are not going to get out of that rut; some may not want to get out of that rut. But they have a better chance than they would have had 10 years ago before such communication, entertainment, education, and consolation were available to us.
Also, I always find it curious to encounter such condescension from women. It’s as though they don’t have boys and men in their families. Or, it suggests they do, but are unconcerned about them until they too are mugged by intersexual reality. After TRP, we men notice this disinterest and situational sympathy, incidentally.
It’s 19 degrees today without the wind chill factor. I have a goodly amount of cold weather riding gear, plug it into the bike and it keeps you warm but I don’t have a bike set up for it, yet. If it is above freezing and sunny, I will ride. Today is neither.
An awakening would be better but I wouldn’t place any money on it
I do not get to contest alimony but she can ask for more cash any time she wants. It’s damn near impossible to understand or overstate how little a man is valued in the legal system. Since women will not so much as write letters to the editors about it, no peaceful change will be forthcoming
BV shows up and crushes it, tying so many points together into a single usable photo of what it’s like on the ground
Mothers are, by and large, completely unconcerned about how these things play out with their male children. In fact it behooves her if he drops out of the smp and becomes a dutiful little beta boy; she can have the lion’s share of his resources and time.
It’s emblematic that Bloom, who’s a doll, asks sincerely if there’s some way to terminate alimony. What this naivete illustrates is how removed women are from the effects of divorce, and the manner in which the State casually destroys men in order to sustain female open hypergamy. Bloom is curious and sympathetic, yet unaware of this most basic condition.
So a man operating in this environment, where even sympathetic women are clueless as to how the system works to further their interests, has few rational choices. He can go MGTOW, which from a practical perspective may be the *most* rational. He can repeat cycle, under the misguided assumption that hope is a strategy. (I.e., he can do the same things as he has before and hope he achieves a better outcome, by virtue of locking down a more empathetic and loyal woman.) He can operate with his eyes open, post-Red Pill, and perhaps acquire the skills to manage relationships that offer some emotional value, though never reaching the idealistic plane that he was taught to pursue as a young man.
In the latter case, if one wishes not to encounter the condescension of women (who default to “bitter loser who should have chosen better, so pay up sucka”), a couple of practices seem to be required.
One, do not ever attempt to discuss, with a woman, the sexual marketplace or the legal conditions of the post-marriage landscape. Show, do not ever tell. Unless you like being called a bitter loser.
Two, do not ever lapse back into greater-beta, or worse, behaviors, under the assumption that demonstrating loyalty, love and protection are admirable qualities to a woman and will be rewarded over time and across normal life travail.
Three, understand that a man’s value is in his utility, and a woman’s love is opportunistic: no man will be loved permanently, independent of his social, financial, and sexual abilities.
The Stoics, who originated and demonstrated the idea of the dispassionate equanimity of the sovereign man, achieved liberation by acknowledging their inability to master fate; fate dictates, fate consumes, fate is costly of all we hold dear. The Stoics, on the birth of a child or the consummation of a marriage, admitted simultaneously the destruction of that child or the failure or betrayal of that marriage. So they manage to describe the random and imminent loss of all things precious as a comfort, as a reflection of a higher Order. They abandon what they embrace, presuming that nothing lasts. This is the cold reality.
I didn’t even know they gave alimony anymore, much less for life!
I have to wonder haow we ever got to such a state. I think that, currently, Much of it is due to more demand from the guys in the SMP. I have no idea how it’s going to happen but, the only way to make the marketplace healthy is to have demand on both sides be equal.
@SFT Con…. “Mothers are, by and large, completely unconcerned about how these things play out with their male children. In fact it behooves her if he drops out of the smp and becomes a dutiful little beta boy; she can have the lion’s share of his resources and time.”
I actually worry about it all the time… but I’m glad my husband basically shows my older son how to act with women. But it’s still hard to counter the affects of our culture. He goes to class once a week with a woman teacher that is actually the *reason* I wrote a piece about how disgusting it is to see a woman disrespect her husband. That woman is his Bible teacher.
She’s changed a lot… but we don’t know her husband anymore, so there’s no telling if anything has changed in her marriage. But wow! I’d never seen such a horrible treatment of a husband before seeing her interacting with him. Back when we knew them, I actually had a dream that he cheated on her (because of how awful she had treated him). I guess it was my way of him getting justice in my own psyche.
She has 3 boys. So I guess that proves your point.
19 degrees??? Yep, too cold. Brrr.
Bv is right, I am niave. I see it going down all around me, many of those examples shared in former posts, yet I want to believe somehow that these are isolated cases. 😦
@ fuzzie I have tried to tell him, and you are right. It’s a perfect example of where some game on his part would help a lot. Being the ever patient suffering there for her guy is the opposite of what’s needed. He says he “doesn’t ant to play games” but putting up with her games is playing a losing game!
Dragonfly:
I second BV’s astute posts in response to your lament that many manosphere men “hate” women. What you’re seeing isn’t hate, it’s pain and rage, which if left where it is, festers into bitterness and resentment. I’ll agree there is some of that in the manosphere. It isn’t good for any man to get bitter and resentful, and granted, there are some who get there and stay there. That said, those men having a safe place to vent it around these parts is a needed safety valve. There isn’t anywhere else for those men to go, if for no other reason, to vent about their bitterness and resentment.
And the reason those men are so angry and hurting is precisely because of the idealism they bring to their marriages. They got married because they wanted to; and they wanted it to work out. Most importantly, they knowingly foreclosed and gave up many things when they took on a wife. Women have absolutely NO IDEA what men voluntarily relinquish and abandon when they get married. More importantly, most women don’t care what men give up; all they care about is that they get what was given up.
So, Dragonfly, I can’t get too exorcised about your alarm at a few guys blowing off steam in the only place they can. Those guys are more likely to inflict self-harm than they are to direct it outward. Most women, indeed most of society, cares not one whit about these men – they are completely and totally on their own. There is no help for them.
Moreover, they have to do what you will NEVER have to do, and that is learn to find emotional peace and stability, indeed, INVEST in their own emotional peace, in a society that is overtly hostile and confiscatory to their efforts to carve out that small bit of peace.
Now, now, for your comic relief, people.
A woman’s injured self sues her insured self.
http://lasvegas.cbslocal.com/2015/02/19/utah-court-allows-woman-to-sue-herself-for-wrongful-death-of-her-husband/
It’s not really comic relief, but true. So now we have a person who, due to her own negligence actually killed her husband…and is hoping to profit from it, via suing her insured self.
Did I ever mention I hate lawyers? Without them….
Going to unplug for a while…sanity calls.
LOL Girl#1 reads more red pill stuff then me, by far and talks about it to the point of boredom
No doubt women can value their sons. There are unicorns out there: one is laying next to me as I type and the Girl coming to see us is turning into one but it’s more usefully to consider the 99% vs the 1%…. sort of the opposite of how the UMC works .
Omg Liz that is just….ak!
“Women have absolutely NO IDEA what men voluntarily relinquish and abandon when they get married. More importantly, most women don’t care what men give up; all they care about is that they get what was given up.
So, Dragonfly, I can’t get too exorcised about your alarm at a few guys blowing off steam in the only place they can. Those guys are more likely to inflict self-harm than they are to direct it outward. Most women, indeed most of society, cares not one whit about these men – they are completely and totally on their own. There is no help for them.
Moreover, they have to do what you will NEVER have to do, and that is learn to find emotional peace and stability, indeed, INVEST in their own emotional peace, in a society that is overtly hostile and confiscatory to their efforts to carve out that small bit of peace.”
I guess I don’t follow you… what do mean by what men give up by getting married? Do you mean all the risks they incur by getting married in this day and age? Or do you mean all the other women (possibly better looking women) they give up when they get married?
And I don’t understand what you mean by men have to do what I will NEVER have to do (learn to find emotional peace and stability – INVEST in my own emotional peace). I actually do believe I’ve had to do that… find my own emotional peace and stability… even invest in that for myself. Isn’t that part of becoming hopefully a more mature being – part of trying to grow spiritually? I have so much respect for your commentaries (you are truly wise) but I just don’t understand what you mean by that?
dragonfly:
By marrying, a man gives up:
–Almost all of his discretionary free time.
–The right to determine where upwards of 85% of his income will be spent.
–The right to make certain choices about where to live, lifestyle, and work.
By marrying, he tethers himself to a woman and probably children, who will consume almost all of his time and money. He severely limits himself to choices that will maximize his income, not for his benefit, but because his wife and children expect it.
The reason he gives all that up is for regular sex with a reasonably attractive woman. Sex is THAT important to hi m.
As for the second bit: Society isn’t hostile to you getting emotional peace. Society makes it eminently possible for you, makes it easy for you. Society makes it very, very hard for men to do any of that for themselves.
True Deti, by marrying a man gives up so much free time, resources, interests, hobbies, privacy, etc. and willingly so. Too many women just assume these as a given, not a sacrifice. He could be a bachelor living large, but he choose the suburbs and a minivan. Reward and recognize! Make a fuss over him. (Sounds like you do dragonfly, keep it up!) 🙂
I was thinking this of my fiancé the other night, that man is a saint. I am so lucky, he doesn’t have to do all he does but he wants to. Which i need to be reminded of, I need to spoil him much more! He deserves it! ❤
Hmm… can’t you make the opposite case as well? When a woman gets married (and especially when she has children), she gives up the exact same things as well. Most often even more than what a man gives up concerning how far she could go in her career if she had never married (and ESPECIALLY if she had never had children).
I didn’t realize you view marriage as a deficit. I’m incurably optimistic. I’ve always viewed it as a gain – for both of us.
Yea, we both lost all our free time to do whatever it was we did when we were single and “free,” … and we lost our “right” to do whatever we want with our own earnings … and neither of us can travel or pack up and become missionaries somewhere because of how it would negatively affect the other (or our created family). But to both of us, the gains that we have from being married to each other far outweigh these things we’ve given up.
My dad didn’t understand why I wanted to get married so young… he wanted me to travel, fulfill all my career goals (and I did work in research for a little bit – it was amazing & very fulfilling in many ways). I read a thing he wrote for me concerning my job where he actually called me “brilliant.” lol… So honestly, don’t you think my parents think I just threw away my future and life and “calling” to cure something (lol) because I chose to give it all up and get married (and God-forbid pregnant)… twice! haha
It’s the way you look at things that matter. I’m an optimist. and I love it ❤
Women gain in marriage
She at least gains his income and his time, security brought to her by having a male, status of being married, status of having kids, someone to.tend to her random emotional bullshit, someone to create drama with, more likely to want that big house full of random and useless bullshit…. BV calls it beta draft horse for a reason. He isn’t pulling that load for himself and that’s what I can come up with after a night of heavy drinking and what not.
Women in family life is a burden for men. I have never envied married men; the three happily married men I know envy my life on occasions and not simply my sex life. They envy the guns, car, bikes a house size man-cave, motorcycles parked in the kitchen, 1st class home gym, weekend trips at random, time I spend hunting….
It’s pert near impossible for women to understand what a burden they can be.
My current situation is basically ripped from women where I have placed the obligations on to the girls with the expectation they will reduce burdens on my time, money etc freeing up more resources for me to ride, hunt, build etc etc. One should always learn from the “enemy”
User Error
The term I hear these days (for apps, anyway) is ‘training opportunity.’
Excellent post.
Training opportunity, I like it! More positive!