Monthly Archives: March 2015

What Is “Normal?”

27 Friday Mar 2015

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Have you ever wondered what a “normal” relationship looks like? If so, this video is well worth listening to. (Yes, this video is aimed toward men but really the advice and concepts are universal.)

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=KNPANO_2VMA

Notice it’s not a no conflict relationship, or a one sided one, but one with two grown up adults working through the problems as the arise and they will, repeatedly.  (Yes it is just that simple and just that complex.)

Well worth a listen… Let me know what you think after!

Tune Into Your Spidey Sense

21 Saturday Mar 2015

Posted by in Red Pill

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A recent event in my life affirmed something I have always believed but do not always follow — that we all have a gut instinct (or spidey sense) that if listened to, can help steer us in the right direction and away from situations and people that aren’t good for us.

Our current culture values science, logic, fact, and proof over things like intuition. These days, a gut instinct is dismissed as something akin to superstition, horoscopes, or listening to palm readers.

But I would argue it is anything but. It is a very primitive but ancient defense mechanism, a way to avoid danger in a dangerous world. It happens somewhere is the subconscious mind, or the brain stem and because of this people want to believe “higher reasoning” is better. But is it?

Like I said a recent situation had me examining the result of not heeding my spidey sense enough. I had always thought that spidey sense came from an emotional place. But as I examined the choices I was making I realized the spidey sense was advocating for logic, my higher reasoning was advocating based on emotion. That was an “ah ha” moment for me.

The truth is our minds are always taking in huge amounts of data, but we are only consciously aware of a fraction of it because otherwise it would be overwhelming. And of course we often don’t get to see what would have happened otherwise, had we taken path A over B.

However I cannot recall a single instance in my life where listening to my spidey sense led me down a path that was not in my best interest and how many times ignoring it has.

One frequent commenter who is a soldier and has spent many a day on the front line in dangerous territory swears it’s all about the spidey sense. He is alive today because he listens to it. He’s so tuned into it, it doesn’t whisper, it screams.

Another commenter reported that spidey sense can be easily dismissed because it often surfaces long before the actual cause of it does. At the time, you don’t really understand what is “off” about a situation, you just sense that it is. The common reaction is to wait for conformation the spidey sense was right, however by that time it is often much more difficult to cope with the consequences of not heeding it earlier.

I for one and going to start to honor my spidey sense, and to keep a journal so I can see for myself if it is just hokey pokey or if indeed my life and decisions I am making are an improvement.

Do you believe in spidey sense? Can you think of a time you wish you had, or hadn’t listened to it? Please share your thoughts in the comments!

Always Look Your Best

19 Thursday Mar 2015

Posted by in Red Pill

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I remember an elderly woman telling me early into my first pregnancy that I should always try to look my best while I was expecting. At first I was offended. Look my best? My looks had nothing to do with who I was. How I looked didn’t matter. Was it some warning that I was about to get fat and unattractive if I didn’t watch out? I was very upset with her.

But as the days went on, I decided to follow her advice, just to see what would happen. And I found out something very surprising — when I looked my best, I felt a whole lot better. When I felt a whole lot better, people treated and reacted to me much more positively, which lead to me feeling even better. It was a self affirming cycle.

So in the end I did follow her advice, and as a result I got tons of compliments on how good I looked during my pregnancy and I also felt more beautiful than I probably had in my entire life. I had a really great reason to be eating well too, and sleeping well, and reducing stress, and in general taking excellent care of myself, much better than I had before my pregnancy. As a result my skin looked great, my hair looked great, I was the glowing picture of health.

There have been other times in my life when I have not looked my best, usually when I was not feeling my best. I wasn’t sleeping or eating well, and it showed in my hum drum posture and facial expression. I would choose dark, drab clothing, usually baggy or unisex. I didn’t take care to do my makeup and hair. And guess what? People didn’t react positively to me, and as a result I felt less positive about myself.

Something else all this taught me is that when you are not feeling your best, that’s exactly when you should make an even greater effort to look your best. Wear bright cheerful colors, clothes that fit and flatter, do your hair and makeup. It’s an amazingly instant mood booster. If you don’t believe me, why not try it for yourself?

If like me, you were taught that women shouldn’t care about how they look, that caring about your looks would make you shallow, vain, a victim, underpowered, or oppressed, let me assure you that could not be more opposite of the real truth.

Numerous studies show that women who look good have easier and better lives in all sorts of ways, from landing better jobs to getting paid more to associating with others who have a good self image and attitude. If you are in a relationship, your partner will react more positively to you. If you’re not, you’ll get noticed and likely approached far more. It’s just reality.

I am by no means a traditional beauty, not a fine featured girly girl type. In fact, I think I am a bit odd looking, Bohemian. But when I am dressed well and my hair and makeup are done, I noticeably turn heads, even at the age of 43. If I add a big smile and a friendly nature to it, maybe a little flirtatious edge, it can move mountains. Add a dash of femininity to it with flowy drapey fabrics, skirts, heels, and well chosen accessories, and it bumps up even more. I should do this every day, but currently I don’t. I am going to start.

And it’s not just men, women respond much better to me as well. People like happy, attractively groomed, upbeat people. They just do. If you aren’t making an effort, you simply sink into the grey boring background rather than “pop.”

Luckily I am kind of a natural type, so I don’t spend huge amounts of time doing my hair or makeup. I don’t like an artificial “made up” look, but I do look noticeably better when I apply makeup, style my hair, wear flattering clothing, and am taking care of my health and fitness.

Knowing what colors and styles are best for you is key, too. Accentuate the positives, play down the negatives. My friend has a lipstick that looks amazing on her, kind of a shimmery champagne color. I tried the same color and it made me look drab and washed out. Bold lip color, on the other hand, works great for me. In a similar way clothing that looks great on one person, may only emphasize problem areas on another. You have to know yourself, and not be afraid to experiment a bit and have fun with it. I think of it a bit like theater, a kind of performance art that gives clues about who I am and what I care about.

I believe almost any woman can increase her appeal with effort. Sure, not every woman can be a supermodel, but almost any woman looks much better when put together than when she doesn’t make an effort.

So always try to look your best. And especially when you don’t feel your best. It’s in your own best interest. And it makes others happy and responsive to you, too. I am so glad I was given this “old fashioned sexist” advice that led me to understand this very simple way to make my life easier, better, and more enjoyable. I really don’t see any downside to it!

Let those who have ears hear.

Don’t Let Little Things Become Big Things

11 Wednesday Mar 2015

Posted by in Relationships

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A friend of mine (who also happens to be a couples counselor) said something very wise as we talked about what makes marriages and relationships work or not — don’t let little things become big things.

For instance, disagreements about money or priorities or schedules or responsibilities, can easily get swept under the rug. The trouble is, if these little things don’t get worked out early on, they can pile up under that rug until soon the little things become big things.

The trouble then is that often grudges, resentment, and even anger can be so deeply set at that point, fixing the big thing is much harder than fixing the little thing.

He gave the example of a couple who ended up in his office supposedly because the wife wouldn’t learn how to hook the trailer onto the truck. Now it’s pretty obvious that is not a marriage deal breaker in most people’s minds, and it really wasn’t the deal breaker for them either. It was an example of a little thing that had turned into a big thing. (He helped them see it wasn’t about the trailer, it was about communication.)

Then, he gave an example of a little thing that didn’t turn into a big thing in his own 25 year marriage. When he and his wife were dating, she forgot something at his house and told him she would stop by the next night at 7:30 to pick it up. Well, 7:30 came and went, then 8:30, then 9:30. At 10, after he was in bed, the phone rang. He let the machine get it. Then, for the next three days he was “busy” so she couldn’t seem to reach him. On the fourth day she showed up at his house, profusely apologizing for not showing up a few days before. At that time, he accepted her apology, and asked her to always call if she was not going to meet him as planned in the future because in his relationships, not showing up and not calling was not acceptable. And he said in 25 years, it hasn’t happened since.

Early in a relationship, there is a tendency to not want to rock the boat, to let things slide. But according to him that’s how a lot of couples get into trouble down the road. Next thing they know it’s a few years later and all that bottled up stuff comes bursting out. Fixing things at that point is a lot harder, and sometimes not possible.

He also said he wishes more couples would see a couples therapist for a few sessions at the beginning of a serious relationship to explore the common and usual trigger points, rather than wait until big trouble arises to seek help. That way, little problems don’t become big problems, or if big problems start to emerge, the couple has someone they can turn to for help earlier rather than later.

I thought it was all good advice. Healthy communication, respect, clear expectations, and a little guidance from someone who isn’t emotionally involved all seemed like good baby steps in the right direction toward happily ever after.

Or said another way, when it comes to divorce, an ounce of prevention is worth a million pounds of cure.

Do Soul Mates Exist?

07 Saturday Mar 2015

Posted by in Relationships

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Do you believe in soul mates? That there is a perfect somebody for everybody, and that finding that match is the secret to a lifetime of happiness?

I was reading a very insightful article on this idea of soul mates, how it is actually a rather modern phenomenon, and how basing relationships on this model might actually be the cause of much relationship angst today. (I will try to find a link to the article, I forgot to bookmark it.)

In short the article said that around 1970 the soul mate relationship model became the dominant narrative, leaving behind the prior one which viewed marriage in more of a give and take model.

The ideal of a soul mate is seductive — that perfect other half, who gets you absolutely, adores everything about you, and unlocks the key to your highest possible level of fulfillment and personal growth.

The trouble with the soul mate philosophy is that it has an unspoken “your soul mate will just get it” component. In theory, there won’t be problems in a soul mate relationship and in fact, if there are problems that is in itself a sign this person is not your soul mate.

In the give and take model, there was less emphasis on what the individual was getting from the relationship, and more about the whole of the unit. Good times and bad times were expected, one’s partner was not on a pedestal, the good of the order was what was on the pedestal.

My paternal grandparents had this type of marriage. My grandfather was a very intelligent, but very difficult man. He had a bad temper. He drank a lot. He spent money foolishly. He stayed out late and sometimes didn’t come home. While I am sure my grandmother struggled with many unhappy moments, she didn’t speak of them, and she was a good and faithful wife to him until he passed away at the age of 79.

I don’t know how she did it. I don’t know if I could have done it. She must have had the patience of a saint. I do know that she found happiness in other areas of her life, in gardening and keeping a home, the animals she raised on the farm, in her relationships with her four children, and eventually their spouses and grandchildren.

Their marriage was in many ways the argument for feminism, that women should be able to escape such a union. Should “have more.” I doubt that a woman in her situation today would stay married in a culture that makes even slight dissatisfaction a reason to divorce — much less being married to someone who, to put it mildly, was a rather notorious character. My grandma surely would have gotten the “you go girl” advice today. And indeed she sacrificed much in order to make the marriage work.

Were they soul mates? Probably not. In fact from the somewhat puzzling story my grandmother told me of their courtship, it almost sounded like an arranged marriage. As she told it, she went from living with her parents to living with his, and that was it, they were married. And in Nebraska in the depths of the depression, it is very possible that it was a practical pairing based on necessity, not love.

The trouble with the soul mate model is — troubles will eventually surface. One partner will let another down. There will be discord. There will be impasses. If the relationship is based on the idea that the union will only bring happiness and fulfillment to the self, it is only a matter of time until hard times or disagreements of some sort of another will hit. When they do, they are read as a “sign” the relationship is not what it was thought to be, and as a reason it should end.

It’s a problem I see in many marriages around me today — when hard times hit they aren’t viewed as something to work through, more often they are seen as a justification to jump ship. It’s a much less stable model, one based on perpetual good fortune and fair weather.

Maybe my grandma’s generation understood something we have lost. That hard times were a sign to work harder and that not giving up come what may was what made marriages last a lifetime. It may lack the romantic mysticism of the soul mate theory, but it sure seems like a much more solid foundation to build forever upon.

What do you think? Do you believe in soul mates?