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break up, break ups, divorce, fulfillment, happiness, marriage, relationships, remarriage, second marriage, soul mates
Do you believe in soul mates? That there is a perfect somebody for everybody, and that finding that match is the secret to a lifetime of happiness?
I was reading a very insightful article on this idea of soul mates, how it is actually a rather modern phenomenon, and how basing relationships on this model might actually be the cause of much relationship angst today. (I will try to find a link to the article, I forgot to bookmark it.)
In short the article said that around 1970 the soul mate relationship model became the dominant narrative, leaving behind the prior one which viewed marriage in more of a give and take model.
The ideal of a soul mate is seductive — that perfect other half, who gets you absolutely, adores everything about you, and unlocks the key to your highest possible level of fulfillment and personal growth.
The trouble with the soul mate philosophy is that it has an unspoken “your soul mate will just get it” component. In theory, there won’t be problems in a soul mate relationship and in fact, if there are problems that is in itself a sign this person is not your soul mate.
In the give and take model, there was less emphasis on what the individual was getting from the relationship, and more about the whole of the unit. Good times and bad times were expected, one’s partner was not on a pedestal, the good of the order was what was on the pedestal.
My paternal grandparents had this type of marriage. My grandfather was a very intelligent, but very difficult man. He had a bad temper. He drank a lot. He spent money foolishly. He stayed out late and sometimes didn’t come home. While I am sure my grandmother struggled with many unhappy moments, she didn’t speak of them, and she was a good and faithful wife to him until he passed away at the age of 79.
I don’t know how she did it. I don’t know if I could have done it. She must have had the patience of a saint. I do know that she found happiness in other areas of her life, in gardening and keeping a home, the animals she raised on the farm, in her relationships with her four children, and eventually their spouses and grandchildren.
Their marriage was in many ways the argument for feminism, that women should be able to escape such a union. Should “have more.” I doubt that a woman in her situation today would stay married in a culture that makes even slight dissatisfaction a reason to divorce — much less being married to someone who, to put it mildly, was a rather notorious character. My grandma surely would have gotten the “you go girl” advice today. And indeed she sacrificed much in order to make the marriage work.
Were they soul mates? Probably not. In fact from the somewhat puzzling story my grandmother told me of their courtship, it almost sounded like an arranged marriage. As she told it, she went from living with her parents to living with his, and that was it, they were married. And in Nebraska in the depths of the depression, it is very possible that it was a practical pairing based on necessity, not love.
The trouble with the soul mate model is — troubles will eventually surface. One partner will let another down. There will be discord. There will be impasses. If the relationship is based on the idea that the union will only bring happiness and fulfillment to the self, it is only a matter of time until hard times or disagreements of some sort of another will hit. When they do, they are read as a “sign” the relationship is not what it was thought to be, and as a reason it should end.
It’s a problem I see in many marriages around me today — when hard times hit they aren’t viewed as something to work through, more often they are seen as a justification to jump ship. It’s a much less stable model, one based on perpetual good fortune and fair weather.
Maybe my grandma’s generation understood something we have lost. That hard times were a sign to work harder and that not giving up come what may was what made marriages last a lifetime. It may lack the romantic mysticism of the soul mate theory, but it sure seems like a much more solid foundation to build forever upon.
What do you think? Do you believe in soul mates?
I think there are those who are more compatible, but as with all things in life, nothing is perfect. I think this idea of a perfect something or another is a stumbling block to progress in whatever enterprise one is engaged in.
I used to be somewhat of a perfectionist, until I got married and started a small farm. If there is one thing that will break a perfectionist from his ways, it’s a farm
I’m glad to be liberated from the bondage of perfection, as it will never be achieved.
Knowing that a partner is not going to fit your idea of a perfect match from the start, and learning how to deal with these discrepancies in a positive, (or least negative), way, would seem to be the more rational way to go about it.
@ theactiveskeptic, I agree! I also run a small farm based biz, and you are right if anything farming teaches you how capricious the best laid plans can be, Mother Nature rules all and is mighty unpredictable, being able to roll with the punches is essential. I think many people living in an urban environment and working a 9-5 job don’t have much chance to experience this, life is artificially the same 24/7/365 and strawberries are always in season (and perfectly blemish free!) Good points! That’s not reality…
@ theactiveskeptic, I do also agree some people are better matches than others, so that plus realizing there are going to be clashes in any match, I think is the realistic way to go…pick wisely, be ready to work things out, never give up!
I think they are made and some are closer to complete than the others
At the outset
@ underdaddy very true. btw I really enjoy your blog! I have almost spit coffee out my nose laughing at times! Keep it up 😀
Thank you! I will keep trying to ruin whatever screen is in front of you while drinking. 🙂
I think “they’re made”, also. IMO, no one starts out as ‘soul mates’, and if you go about trying to look and find your soul mate you’ll probably be very disappointed.
That level of compatability (IMO) is forged, not cast…over the long, hard haul if people are serious about their commitment, and loyal, have good values, and sexual chemistry.
I would agree Liz. I wish my grandmother had been more happily married, and I am not trying to imply suffering is the only way to forever. I would agree though it takes time and maturity and commitment to make things last, to really know and accept someone, good and bad.
Forgot to add…levity helps, too. 🙂
Life without laughter, humor, happiness is a dismal existence.
Just to add, I grew up without levity in the house….I know it’s value.
@ Liz, totally. Me too. You comment about remembering the moment when you decided you did not like your mother, I love my mother but I too have a very precarious relationship with her, I wish it was more but I have learned I need to contain it to protect myself. Sadly. I hope my girls never have that moment!
If life is about working through strife, how could anyone conceive of a soulmate relationship as stress free? 😉
This has to be a product of “Dr. Feelgood” and pop-psychology.
@ fuzzie indeed, but yet I see it all around me… It is disturbing how commitment has basically come to mean, “As long as I am happy.” 😦
Redpillgirlnotes,
What you have described is not part of the soulmate myth but, more like the opposite of fidelity. Thjere are too many Jenny Eriksons out there wrecking their own homes. What’s really tragic is that they are encouraged.:(
This hit close to home. Since I was a little girl I imagine my life with my soul mate. If you asked me 20 years ago if i believe in soul mates my answer would be yes with no hesitation. Now, I am in a relationship close to the one like your grandmother. Even in today’s day a relationship like this can be difficult to get out because of how you feel. The way the other person makes you feel, both good and bad, and you tend to think this Is the norm, especially if you love them. So today when you ask about soul mates’, I now believe in soul sisters. I have my best friend who if were a guy would be my soul mate. I’m not quite sure there are sould mates out there anymore.
I agree that Soul Mates can be made…. I do think some couples never are able to get to that point though because of communication or intimacy/trust issues. That and some people marry sociopaths or people with character disorders that are hard if not impossible to change.
Some people are easier to do life with depending on their attitude and personality… and that is important for when they hit hardships in their marriages, their attitude and willingness to solve problems together are critical game changers that can bring them from spouses to “soul mates” overtime.
” You comment about remembering the moment when you decided you did not like your mother, I love my mother but I too have a very precarious relationship with her, I wish it was more but I have learned I need to contain it to protect myself. Sadly. I hope my girls never have that moment!”
I doubt you’ll have such moments with your daughters Bloom (though I’m also sure daughters are more complicated, emotionally, than sons). I’ve never given specifics about my mother, and context is required in these matters….and I won’t offer specifics now (I dont’ wish for sympathy, or to sound like I’m whining). She hated my father, and it showed. She was a compulsive liar and manipulator. She literally, to this day cannot say a true statement…I was seven when I was faced with it directly, in a way I couldn’t overlook or forget (we were overseas in Italy at the time). Also, just about every day of my life she told me she wished I’d never been born (this was, somehow, a compliment by her perspective…along the lines of “my life would have been so much better without you, so be grateful you little spoiled brat!”)
My experience with ‘soul matism’ is kind of the opposite of Tragicbeauty’s above. I was always pragmatic and didn’t believe in it…but my husband has come to represent that for me.
@ Liz I am sorry to hear that, and it makes me admire that you have choosen to parent your own kids so differently all the more!
Thanks Bloom! 🙂
Well…I was closer to my Dad, and very much like him…as my mom always tells me. She doesn’t realize I take that as a very high compliment. 😛
Genetics are interesting because I can see parts of myself/my dad in my kids (especially our oldest…he’s virtually a mini-me). I don’t see any of mom, which is good. The best part of them, though, is my husband. He’s a phenomenal person on all levels and I’m unbelieveably fortunate to have him. 🙂
Liz,
I heard that from my Mother too. To hear that from the source of my existance was big blow. You did good by being good mom.
I think the idea of “soul mates” is pure, undiluted, Grade A crap.
I’m neither a math person nor a religious person, so apologies in advance if this doesn’t make sense – there are what, 6 billion people on the planet right now? The odds of finding the one fucking person that you’re “destined” to be with are astronomical; if you consider that “souls” are supposed to be eternal, then you have to factor in the billions of people who have lived and died over the millenia, but whose souls are still floating around somewhere.
So your “soul mate” could have potentially been born and died 5000 years ago. Have fun trying to make that relationship work.
Lol sumo! Well said!
Liz, see update on the other thread but heart to heart was a success. I used some levity and sure enough, that broke the ice!
Lol Sumo. 🙂
But I think the entire concept of ‘soul mate’ kind of rests on the premise that things are fated to be. The odds of being that one sperm cell that “won” were about one in 250 million after all. 😉
Redpillgirlnotes,
That is good news. I am glad that you were able to save it.
@ Fuzzie, I hope so. Time will tell Hopefully just a bump in the road…
Redpillgirlnotes,
Your last comment is another clue to your innocence. You’re afraid to hope. I think that your innocence will triumph.
Time for a bear video.
Hope it’s just a bump, too, Bloom. I suspect it is.
Glad to hear that you and your man are working things out.
🙂
Way I reckon it your grandmother stayed because he was difficult as what you described sound like classic bad boy game with a lot of dread.
I also reckon your grandmother was happy to ride that emotional rollercoaster. Chicks dig drama and that was dramatic
@ scfton who knows? I was too young to really see that side of it. She didn’t work, didn’t drive. Divorce was pretty unheard of in those days. I hope they had good times. My grandpa was a handful! But also brilliant.
Who knows? But I do know this, women are happy when they are unhappy. Drama, validation attention seeking…. all come.their way when their man is no good so they get alpha tingles and all that other stuff too
Maybe most do ton, sounds like a lot of wasted energy to me tho. I suppose one plays the hand they have… Drama has its place perhaps?
The idea of soul mates is an example of the perfect being the enemy of the good. Yes, some folks are more compatible with others, but once you sign on the dotted line, it’s about how to play the hand you’re dealt. And just about any hand can be a winner if both players are determined to make it so. Conversely, any hand can be a loser if either player decides it is. And men have a great deal more at stake with a losing hand, while women frequently stand to “profit” when they cash in on a hand, losing or not.
Good observations cp! It’s a choice to play to win! Easier by far in my book than playing to lose, no good in that but many still do it anyway. Wasted energy!
Which is why I create dramatic events so they don’t create it themselves
There is no ONE. This is the Soulmate Myth:
http://therationalmale.com/2011/08/30/there-is-no-one/
http://therationalmale.com/2012/10/29/the-soul-mate-myth/
The idea of soul mates comes from the Greek philosopher, Aristophanes.
quoted from http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Soulmate
In his dialogue The Symposium, Plato has Aristophanes present a story about soulmates. Aristophanes states that humans originally had four arms, four legs, and a single head made of two faces. He continues that there were three genders: man, woman and the “Androgynous”. Each with two sets of genitalia with the Androgynous having both male and female genitalia. The men were children of the sun, the women were children of the earth and the Androgynous were children of the moon, which was born of the sun and earth. It is said that humans had great strength at the time and threatened to conquer the gods. The gods were then faced with the prospect of destroying the humans with lightning as they had done with the Titans but then they would lose the tributes given to the gods by humans. Zeus developed a creative solution by splitting humans in half as punishment for humanity’s pride and doubling the number of humans who would give tribute to the gods. These split humans were in utter misery to the point where they would not eat and would perish so Apollo had sewn them up and reconstituted their bodies with the navel being the only remnant harkening back to their original form. Each human would then only have one set of genitalia and would forever long for his/her other half; the other half of his/her soul. It is said that when the two find each other, there is an unspoken understanding of one another, that they feel unified and would lie with each other in unity and would know no greater joy than that.
Ton the drama queen! Lol. I can see that! 😉
Ton the bitch wrangler
Yes, that’s the better way to phrase that!
Lol Ton!
Somehow…I get the impression you don’t have to work much to rustle up intrigue. Your life in general is quite interesting and exciting enough (a LOT more interesting than most, especially mine), from the sound of things.
😛
Or we could go with ho handler, tramp tamer, bitch breaker…
LOL apparently I am a dramatic fella.
Truly Ton, you are larger than life! Or are you really a 14 year old geek typing in your mom’s basement? Kidding….
For ton https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=UE6iAjEv9dQ
Jenny, I love it. Being a romantic I completely believe this part,
“It is said that when the two find each other, there is an unspoken understanding of one another, that they feel unified and would lie with each other in unity and would know no greater joy than that.” Lie with each other… as in making love. Yum ❤
The concept of a soulmate implies a connection that is deep, abiding, and nearly effortless.
The Hamsterslayer quotes, “The attachment to the yearning for the soulmate is the source of all one-itus suffering.”
By the away, to disavow any suspicion that Eccentric is a filthy nihilist, be it known that he is awed and congratulatory of his two brothers’ marriages. Both marriages have lasted over thirty years, and have abided regardless of whether out of convenience, necessity, love, or *cough* soulmate-itude.
For the record, no shotguns were involved leading up to the ceremonies.