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break up, break ups, commitment, couples, dating, divorce, engagement, marriage, remarriage, romance
A friend of mine (who also happens to be a couples counselor) said something very wise as we talked about what makes marriages and relationships work or not — don’t let little things become big things.
For instance, disagreements about money or priorities or schedules or responsibilities, can easily get swept under the rug. The trouble is, if these little things don’t get worked out early on, they can pile up under that rug until soon the little things become big things.
The trouble then is that often grudges, resentment, and even anger can be so deeply set at that point, fixing the big thing is much harder than fixing the little thing.
He gave the example of a couple who ended up in his office supposedly because the wife wouldn’t learn how to hook the trailer onto the truck. Now it’s pretty obvious that is not a marriage deal breaker in most people’s minds, and it really wasn’t the deal breaker for them either. It was an example of a little thing that had turned into a big thing. (He helped them see it wasn’t about the trailer, it was about communication.)
Then, he gave an example of a little thing that didn’t turn into a big thing in his own 25 year marriage. When he and his wife were dating, she forgot something at his house and told him she would stop by the next night at 7:30 to pick it up. Well, 7:30 came and went, then 8:30, then 9:30. At 10, after he was in bed, the phone rang. He let the machine get it. Then, for the next three days he was “busy” so she couldn’t seem to reach him. On the fourth day she showed up at his house, profusely apologizing for not showing up a few days before. At that time, he accepted her apology, and asked her to always call if she was not going to meet him as planned in the future because in his relationships, not showing up and not calling was not acceptable. And he said in 25 years, it hasn’t happened since.
Early in a relationship, there is a tendency to not want to rock the boat, to let things slide. But according to him that’s how a lot of couples get into trouble down the road. Next thing they know it’s a few years later and all that bottled up stuff comes bursting out. Fixing things at that point is a lot harder, and sometimes not possible.
He also said he wishes more couples would see a couples therapist for a few sessions at the beginning of a serious relationship to explore the common and usual trigger points, rather than wait until big trouble arises to seek help. That way, little problems don’t become big problems, or if big problems start to emerge, the couple has someone they can turn to for help earlier rather than later.
I thought it was all good advice. Healthy communication, respect, clear expectations, and a little guidance from someone who isn’t emotionally involved all seemed like good baby steps in the right direction toward happily ever after.
Or said another way, when it comes to divorce, an ounce of prevention is worth a million pounds of cure.
Good thoughts.
Wow! I really love this post. I think everyone in a serious relationship needs to read this.
Thanks YounginAmerica! 😀
Reblogged this on How to Survive Modern Dating and commented:
Everyone in a serious relationship (especially marriage) needs to read this post.
This applies to life too as well as relationships. Not letting the little things become big things!
@ younginamerica, I think you might like this blog, too: advice from a guy to girls about dating. Good stuff (although sometimes a little direct, think of him like a wise big brother). I wish I had known his advice at your age! http://www.therulesrevisited.com/p/list-of-all-posts.html
Very true J, good point!
Thanks for the suggestion. I will definitely have to check out that blog as well! 🙂
Interesting way for him to set boundaries. Not sure what I think about it. Passive, yet effective. Kind of high risk though, I wonder if she meant much to him or if he was willing to lose her over the lateness issue. I wonder how long he was willing to go on without contact. She disrespected him, he quit on her because of it. Good thing he probably isn’t Spanish, they don’t pay much attention to time over there.
True, Jenny. He said he was going to contact her that day but she beat him to it. He was very attracted to her, but had been through 2 divorces and didn’t want another, apparently this was a deal or no-deal point for him? I am also not sure about his approach, but it did seem to get the point across! I know them both and they are an amazing couple.
Another thing he said was that while people notice their differences, it’s really their sameness-es that hold a relationship together. He said as long as their are enough things in common, the differences aren’t such a big deal. I may do another post on that idea!
Excellent points. I find a good part of not letting little things become big is learning what matters and what doesn’t. Sometimes a bit of debate, Devil’s Advocacy or getting wound up at *yourself* can remind you how easily even the most annoying of things can be swept under the rug, provided it’s still small.
Patience is highly undervalued as a relationship tool. I like seeing it in action.
It all makes sense to me. Having little to say, how about a bear video?
That trailer hitch thing is a deal.breaker.
Hmmmm. I think I need to say what I always do.
The source of problems in a long term relationship is always her lack of sexual attraction for him. Whenever a woman is talking of having problems in her long term relationship, drilling down all the way to the core of it always, ALWAYS reveals that he just doesn’t trip her trigger.
For men, it’s always, ALWAYS that she doesn’t have sex with him with enough frequency or enthusiasm, or has become physically unattractive because of weight gain. That’s ALWAYS the issue, when you drill down deeply enough.
Everything else, on both sides, is just window dressing and façade.
This is because a long term relationship between a man and a woman is, at its core, a sexual one. It is about sex, sexual relations, and sexual conduct. Sex is the only thing they do with each other that they don’t do (or are not supposed to do) with anyone else.
That, folks, is the bottom line.
@ Deti true, sexual attraction and sex is indeed the core of things, the “there” in the there. And it should be, because as you point out its something they aren’t doing w anyone else. (Exceptions aside like open relationships etc, I mean most marriages) However I have also seen couples who are *very* sexually attracted not make it, the other things outside the bedroom did them in. (I say are because one couple I am thinking of are still very attracted physically but they otherwise can’t be together.) How can this be, if attraction trumps all?
Bloom:
Your couple who are attracted to each other but can’t be together are an exception to the rule. Exceptions always exist. My assertion that lack of sex or attraction are the culprits is a model, and is a general rule.
Moreover, in the couples who were attracted to each other but didn’t make it — how do you know they were really attracted to each other? How does one ever really know? All one can do is observe.
From my observations, watching things like body language and listening to speech and patterns of speech, and considering how I’ve seen people live over the long arc of their lives separately and together, most of the time, nearly ALL the time, it’s because they aren’t having enough sex (from his perspective) or she doesn’t want to have sex with him.
Is Buena Vista taking a break, or has he left the building?
Hope it’s just a break…I kind of worry when he doesn’t come around.
But I’ll bet he’ll be back.
I hope bv will be back, too!
@ deti true they may be attracted but it was a train wreck otherwise. That’s what did them in.
I have never felt attraction wasn’t central, and agree it is. That’s why I could never understand women marrying someone they weren’t attracted to out of convienence, although I know it happens. They may think they are “being sensible” or something but I would never recommend it, not fair to either person.
O wish BuenaVista would come back, I think he likes my aviation videos more than Liz.
I like your aviation videos, Fuzzie! 🙂
But I’m sure a pilot can appreciate them most.
New avatar BV…new avatar…
Hm. i can’t see my new avatar. Maybe the upload didn’t work…
Hope he comes back, too. Or at least, I hope he’s all right… 😦
Liz I see the new avatar! Love it. Maybe try responding “new avatar” to one of his old posts? Maybe it will go to email? Bv we miss you!!!!
Liz,
I like your new avatar but, I hope that it is someone else. I don’t want you IDed.
Maybe this will get BV to come back. I did say that i thought the starting order on a B-17 was one, two, three, and four. I remembered right. Why the RAF fired up Lancasters with three, four, two, and one is beyond me.
More incentive for BV. Hard to imagine today a Lieutenant being instructed by a Captain In flying.
Liz,
I may be unloading all my aviation videos in one thread. This one is interesting for the music. New Air Force and a very old song.
Hey, the Ukrainian plane had some ‘tail art’. Won’t see that over here. 🙂
Cool video! Bet they don’t have many of those planes in the Ukraine (expensive, plus they keep getting shot down).
And thanks, Fuzzie. I doubt anyone I know will see it, and it won’t be up forever…
🙂
Liz,
I think that the “tail art” was temporary. It was done in chalk. Stuff like that wouldn’t “fly” during the Great Patriotic War.
Bloom – Great news on the heart-to-heart!!!
Sometimes it’s necessary to have difficult conversations.
Liz – You don’t look a day over 21! Great photo.
Aren’t BV and Ton bffs? Hopefully BV is having a nice cocktail somewhere!
…necessary = good.
Great post.
“Liz – You don’t look a day over 21! Great photo.”
Thanks Emily. The fountain of youth lies in few pixels. 😛
There’s a certain paradox there. If you obsess over the little things, you might consciously make them into big things. But if you ignore the little things, they might unconsciously fester into big things all on their own.
I think you’re screwed either way, unless you actually “love” the other person. Love is the act of ignoring a person’s flaws (because everyone has flaws, but only certain people are worth the trouble).