Monthly Archives: April 2015

Be the Happy

29 Wednesday Apr 2015

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One of my favorite books on relationships is “The Mastery of Love” by Don Ruiz. It’s not a very long book, but it is so packed with wisdom that even though I have read it at least 10 times, every time I do, I notice something new I hadn’t before. If you have not read it, I highly recommend that and his other books. I need to read it again, but I keep giving my copy away! So I will get another.

In the book he says one of the biggest mistakes people make in relationships is that they come to them from a place of lack. They see the other person, or the relationship as the “missing piece” that will make their life complete, make them happy. (Which reminds me of one of my other favorite books, a children’s book, called “The Missing Piece” by Shel Silverstein.)

The problem is the only person we can control is our self. So if we believe our happiness depends on an outside person, this sets up a dynamic where one needs to control or manipulate that other person, to not lose the happy. One person is going to be doling out the happy and one person is going to be wanting the happy.

Ruiz says instead it is better to be the happy. He likens it to realizing that your heart is a magical kitchen. Whatever you want, boom, there it is. If someone shows up at the door with pizza and offers to trade pizza for happiness, you would be puzzled. You already have all the pizza you want or need. You have pizza, they have pizza, you can have pizza together, or you can have pizza apart. But your having pizza does not depend on that other person. They cannot take away or grant you pizza. You don’t have to barter for pizza, because you already have pizza. Getting pizza is no longer a motivator.

Ok, maybe that makes no sense at all, but it is early, I need more coffee, and really you should read the book yourself because I promise, it makes total sense when you read it about all this there.

Back to the point: If you are in a relationship, or not, spend some time pondering this idea — are you bringing the happy? Or are you expecting someone else to bring the happy? Are you maybe trading the happy – trying to make someone else happy so they will make you happy in return?

Happiness, as they say, is an inside job!

(One could also substitute the word “love” for “happiness” in this post. Feel free to reread it but swap in the word love every time you run across the word happy to see it in another way.)

Sometimes You Still See It

22 Wednesday Apr 2015

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It’s pretty easy to get jaded about relationships these days. One doesn’t have to look very hard to see examples of good love gone bad all around. But every once in awhile, you see true love does exist.

Or at least I have. Most recently I have spied it as I take my kids to school in the morning. At first, I didn’t pay the couple walking along the side of the road much attention. But one day I noticed a certain oddness to her gait that made me look at them a little closer.

They aren’t exactly elderly, maybe late 50s or early 60s. And it is hard to say what exactly is going on, maybe cancer, maybe early onset of Alzheimer’s, maybe something else but she is clearly very, very ill.

On nice days I see them, out taking a morning walk. He hovers near her with a gentle tenderness and patience, it is clear from his body language he loves this women very much, and that he is cherishing these moments they have together, as imperfect and I am sure challenging that they might be.

For better or for worse. In sickness and in health. For richer or poorer. Forsaking all others. Till death do they part.

This morning, I found myself crying at the sight of those two, once again slowly ambling along. My heart both breaks for them and is also filled with such a profound joy that they have each other, and that they found each other, against all the odds, in this brief moment of time we call life, on this insignificant green and blue ball spinning at 1040 miles per hour and traveling at 67,000 miles per hour around the sun, off to the edge of the Milky Way galaxy.

Yep, sometimes you still see it. And for me at least, when I do, it reminds me of the bigger picture and what this whole experience is really all about. Love. Loving. Being loved. Loving back. In the end, those are the moments that I imagine will matter the most.

Let those who have ears hear.

Can (and Should) Women Be Nice to Men?

15 Wednesday Apr 2015

Posted by in Fempire, Relationships

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As I have mentioned previously, I often see women (mis)treating their loyal and loving husbands with less than the same. It puzzles me why women would do this, as it seems like it is keen on destroying the very foundation their relationship rests upon.

At another Red Pill site, there’s been an interesting discussion on why women might treat their man with contempt, and what can be done about it. (It is my theory that men can also treat their partner with contempt, and that’s not ok either.)

The theory that was floated is this: that research has shown this dynamic leads to many a divorce:
“In the original research, the four observed predictors of divorce were
1. Wife showing contempt during conflict with the husband
2. Husband and wife being defensive
3. Wife complaining, husband stonewalling (Demand/withdraw pattern)
4. Wife emotionally detached

Gottman, J.M., (1991). Predicting the longitudinal course of marriages, Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 17 (1), 3-7.”

The solution, according to the one who floated the theory is for women to resist the urge to show contempt during conflict (re: be nice, fight fair, etc.)

Or if she won’t, the recommendation is for the man to respond by running dread or using bemused mastery (threatening to walk or treating her like a spoiled child.)

In my opinion, contempt is a disastrous attitude to bring into a supposedly loving relationship. Yet time and again I see it acted out, and it truly is a love killer.

So ladies, can women be nice to men? Can women resist the entitled princess act so endorsed by the current culture, and show her man some (gasp) love and respect? As “old fashioned” as it sounds, I’d recommend it!

[And if it isn’t clear I am talking about otherwise “healthy and good” workable relationships, obviously this advice does not apply to relationships involving abuse on either side. In that case, I recommend ending the relationship and exploring through therapy or other means how to recognize and avoid abusive relationships in the future.]

Let those who have ears hear.

Maybe They Are Wrong?

11 Saturday Apr 2015

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Have you ever stopped to ponder that maybe all the “modern day” relationship advice might be all wrong?

Conventional wisdom tells women to put off marriage and family until she finishes her education, establishes her career. Be a strong independent woman!

Likewise young men are told to be gentle, sensitive, supplicating. Be “nice” they are told. Don’t “play the field.” Stop acting “like a brutish man.”

What if it’s all projection? What if what women really want are strong independent men who know about the ways of women, and what men really want are gentle and nice women who want to get married young?

Wouldn’t that be ironic? That men are acting like they wish women would and women are acting like they wish men would?

What do you think, could it be? Could we have it backwards? Or is the modern way better?

Preserve Some Mystery

03 Friday Apr 2015

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In today’s male/female romantic relations, total openness, honesty, and transparency are encouraged. And when it comes to some things, I would agree.

But I would also argue that I have made the mistake in the past of not preserving a little bit of mystery — not sharing my each and every feeling, thought, or memory.

I believe in days gone by, women knew this was a key aspect of femininity, and that it created attraction.

I am not talking about being deceptive, dishonest, or deceitful. I am referring to smaller things, like shutting the bathroom door when applying makeup, or dressing, or not wearing the scary mud mask while he’s around.

“Let me slip into something more comfortable,” is an example of preserving a little mystery, disappearing, then reappearing looking like an alluring package to unwrap. Versus just unceremoniously dropping your clothes to the floor, with an “there’s nothing we haven’t all seen before, here” attitude.

Even a change of hair color, style, wearing something different than your usual style, all these things can bring freshness into a long term relationship. Much better than not caring and just letting oneself go.

I guess another way to put it is be enchanting. Advocates of game say the male needs to continue with his seduction techniques even into marriage, and I would argue women should work as well by remaining a bit mysterious, being enchanting herself.

It’s the yin and the yang. As much as we drive each other crazy at times, men and women still can’t seem to leave each other alone. Why? I believe it’s our differences that draw us to each other, so this whole trend toward being androgynous would seem to have the opposite effect.

Don’t believe me? Wear a dress or skirt instead of pants, jeans, or slacks one day. See how many men notice. I have even had men stop and say to me how refreshing it is to see a woman dressed in a skirt or dress these days, like a woman!

What do you think? Does intimacy have to mean letting it all hang out? Or does letting it all hang out kill attraction?