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abundance, attraction, battle of the sexes, blue pill, break up, break ups, commitment, courtship, dating, divorce, Don Ruiz, marriage, red pill, relationships, remarriage
One of my favorite books on relationships is “The Mastery of Love” by Don Ruiz. It’s not a very long book, but it is so packed with wisdom that even though I have read it at least 10 times, every time I do, I notice something new I hadn’t before. If you have not read it, I highly recommend that and his other books. I need to read it again, but I keep giving my copy away! So I will get another.
In the book he says one of the biggest mistakes people make in relationships is that they come to them from a place of lack. They see the other person, or the relationship as the “missing piece” that will make their life complete, make them happy. (Which reminds me of one of my other favorite books, a children’s book, called “The Missing Piece” by Shel Silverstein.)
The problem is the only person we can control is our self. So if we believe our happiness depends on an outside person, this sets up a dynamic where one needs to control or manipulate that other person, to not lose the happy. One person is going to be doling out the happy and one person is going to be wanting the happy.
Ruiz says instead it is better to be the happy. He likens it to realizing that your heart is a magical kitchen. Whatever you want, boom, there it is. If someone shows up at the door with pizza and offers to trade pizza for happiness, you would be puzzled. You already have all the pizza you want or need. You have pizza, they have pizza, you can have pizza together, or you can have pizza apart. But your having pizza does not depend on that other person. They cannot take away or grant you pizza. You don’t have to barter for pizza, because you already have pizza. Getting pizza is no longer a motivator.
Ok, maybe that makes no sense at all, but it is early, I need more coffee, and really you should read the book yourself because I promise, it makes total sense when you read it about all this there.
Back to the point: If you are in a relationship, or not, spend some time pondering this idea — are you bringing the happy? Or are you expecting someone else to bring the happy? Are you maybe trading the happy – trying to make someone else happy so they will make you happy in return?
Happiness, as they say, is an inside job!
(One could also substitute the word “love” for “happiness” in this post. Feel free to reread it but swap in the word love every time you run across the word happy to see it in another way.)
Notes From a Red Pill Girl 
I think it’s also important for BOTH people to “bring the happy.” In my last relationship, I brought happiness from my magical kitchen, but my boyfriend relied on me to bring all of the fun, energy and selfless love to the relationship. If I ever stopped “performing”, we fell apart. It takes both people to “bring the happy”!!!
Yes, Aurora, most agreed. Maybe that’s not clear enough in the post, BOTH people need to bring the happy. If someone is putting pressure on you to bring the happy, beware. Good point!
I’m uncertain whether I agree with this post or not. On the one hand, I certainly see your point. Relying on someone else for one’s own happiness is a recipe for unhappiness and frustration unless the things that one needs are happily and lovingly (and consistently) provided.
On the other hand, if people were truly happy and contented on their own, no one would enter into relationships. We enter into relationships precisely because we can not “make our own pizza”. A person who is truly independent and happy on his/her own will likely make a lousy married partner, and will be more likely to leave the relationship over smaller issues IMHO.
A person may enter into a relationship in part because he/she wants sex. Can’t get it without a relationship. If not offered in the relationship, that relationship will falter. Replace the word “sex” with love, affection, conversation, children, sense of family, etc. None of these things are things that we can get on our own – they MUST come from the relationship. Getting those things will help make us happy; not getting those things will certainly make us unhappy.
Each partner can bring some “happy”, some “energy”, some “love”, etc. But each partner also has the right to the expectation that the relationship will provide him/her with those things as well. Else, why bother with the relationship?
Yes, those are good points Jeremy, the relationship does need to have some purpose and be and bring enjoyment as well, otherwise like you say why bother? It’s a hard concept to put into words, the book does it much better than I have. Maybe another way to say it is that folks should look within as well as look at the others in their life when they are feeling unhappy and ask themselves am I blaming this on others when it’s really only something I can fix? I think others can affect our happiness, a bad relationship can certainly make life harder, no amount of positive thinking or inner happy will solve mistreatment. Another thing he says about this is that we only put up with one step short of outside abuse as we abuse ourselves, so also self love leads to expecting to be loved and treated well. Thanks for adding that!
Here’s a bear video. It’s just for fun and there is no message with it.
That’s a great video, Fuzzie! Thanks for sharing 🙂
I’ve had this book on my Kindle for a while now. My husband read it, I never have. This is the sort of thing that’s right up his alley (personal growth type books…he’s read everything from Chopra to the Steve Jobs story). I haven’t read it yet.
Mike would agree with you, Bloom. In fact he says my “personal independence” was a big draw to him at the beginning of things. I wasn’t the sort of person who relied on others for happiness or contentment. Obviously the equation changes once one becomes a part of a couple and then the process of mutual interdependence starts and builds. But one does not initially approach the relationship from a point of need or necessity (at least, not in my opinion).
“On the other hand, if people were truly happy and contented on their own, no one would enter into relationships. We enter into relationships precisely because we can not “make our own pizza”. A person who is truly independent and happy on his/her own will likely make a lousy married partner, and will be more likely to leave the relationship over smaller issues IMHO.”
I disagree, Jeremy. Humans are independent social creatures and we enter all sorts of relationships for all sorts of reasons and that doesn’t have to spring from a point of ‘need’. For example, why have friendships? I don’t think it’s necessary to go through life looking for a really really good friend to “complete you” to appreciate one once you find him/her. One might become very reliant on that person and eventually get to the point of “wow, I don’t know what I would have done without (Jack/Jane) in this situation”…the relationship can progress toward mutual interdependence as the friendship becomes “tighter” and trust is built.
I’d really say it’s the opposite. Find a woman who absolutely needs a man to be complete (bars are full of them, I’ve noticed…they look pretty desperate) and that will most likely be a bad wife. Just my opinion. Funny thing is…people (in my real life world) seem to be under the impression that I’m that sort of person because I’ve been married my entire adult life. It isn’t so. I wouldn’t be able to handle a life of deployments if I were that sort of person.
Just to add, it would seem like that paradigm could lead to problems like infidelity too. What if the person who “needs someone to complete” her finds that “special” someone, and then gets the feeling that the “special someone” just doesn’t “complete them” anymore?
That’s not a relationship of interdependence…it’s dependence. And it doesn’t necessarily sound very exclusive (iow, loyal) either.
My default setting is happy. The Girls, my beloved bikes, dogs, guns etc don’t make me happy, they increase my joy
If that makes sense
Absolutely, Ton! I am happy to hear you are happy, for some reason I picture you as a very serious sort, menacing, growling, pacing like a tiger, and such. I am glad to hear you have a light heart. Lol.
And I wish I could say my default setting is happy. My default setting tends to be angsty. I have to consciously set worry aside, remind myself to live in the moment not in the future or the past. Worry is such an energy suck, happy is a much better default setting!
Redpillgirlnotes,
It never ceases to amaze me how powerful bear videos can be. Go warch a few.
@ RPC:
How ’bout tossing together some sammiches at Spawny’s now. Comments seemed to have slowed. Now is a good time to run into the blogosphere kitchen and get busy.
thanx in advance…….
Darling that is my version of being happy ….
What do I have to be angsty about?
For cereal though my min of happy is rooted in the knowledge life sill suck ass most of the time but I’ll be on top in the end. Kind of the point of being a Stoic.
Happy Mother’s Day! Here is my favorite Mama Bear video.
There’s a wonderful tune apropos Bloom’s remarks (young Tony Bennett, and my favorite pianist Bill Evans):
However, the ‘make someone happy … build your life around her’ direction, which I lived for a couple of decades, ignores reality. There’s no merit badge, get out of jail card, nor any mulligan/do-over privilege granted for such an outlook. Just tired looks, too-familiar disdain, and a weekly date with a marriage counselor who will advise choreplay, less work and lots more money.
Sure, bring the happy, and make any exchange (at the convenience store at 4 a.m, on the phone with the bank tele-services rep, pounding the champagne on the overnight home to Dulles from Dubai with the odd woman with the sketchy resume, you fill in the blanks) one that elicits the impetuous smile of innocent joy. That innocent joy, however, foots to mystery, mastery, and strength. (If she wanted cuddly happy talk, instead of those moments when her eyes roll back into their sockets, she’d be darning socks in SuburbiaLand.) Not saccharine smiley-times.
Our job is to bring the happy while living with purpose and achievement. The latter matters more, over time. The bar will never be relaxed or even stable. It rises each day. Deal. Ignore this and watch how ‘just make someone happy’ transitions to ‘I’ve seen this movie too many times, can’t we do something new?’
No mission, no achievement, and you are staring at the desert of evaporation of affection. Love is just falling water in the desert. It evaporates before it hits the ground. Love is fascination, after all. It’s a mystery that it exists at all; air is water; only occasionally do we taste it. What fascinates us about women — what they tell us they want in return — is not what fascinates a woman over time.
Sure, bring the happy. Also, bring (carry) your own water. No woman of substance will.
Liz, second. The women in the bars, on Tinder and OKC, are looking for the magic man-pill. Men are not SSRIs, alas, and none of us have any business taking responsibility for others’ emotional poverty.
Good to see you as always, BV! What’s your latest?
Well, it’s interesting flying to certain parts of the world and going through TSA with a 5″ piece of metal embedded in one’s torso. I guess they thought I was going to blow up the plane with my reconstituted shoulder. Playing catch-up now with my roses and new tomatoes. All my best.
Oh dear, do you set off the metal detectors now? My roses are at their peak right now, tomatoes just planted… hopeful for a nice, hot summer!
Sorry FuzzieWuzzie, I found a bear video that sings about bringing the happy. Of course it doesn’t hurt to stumble across a pik-a-nik basket.