Something that has fallen out of fashion but I feel is long overdue to return is the concept of women being a helpmate in a relationship.
Woah, woah, I know it’s taboo but just hang with me a bit. I am not talking about the short end of some stick, or oppression, or misogyny. Being a helpmate doesn’t mean being a doormat.
Today’s relationship model promotes equality or even female dominance rather than the helpmate idea. However as I look around in real life, I am not seeing that working out so well. Divorces and broken families (or never being an official family at all but just shacking up or baby momma-ing it) have become the new normal. How’s that working out? Are women (and men and children) happier for it?
Consider the helpmate model, instead. In this structure the female willingly allows her man to take the lead in the public sphere, supporting his career and life goals. Her focus is the home sphere, keeping her family well fed, clothed, and cared for.
Maybe another way to look at it is yin/yang. The couple agrees to divide and conquer the tasks of life together. The needs and success of the whole supersedes the individuals.
Does being a helpmate mean he’ll never fall short, make mistakes, fail, or lead in the wrong direction? No. Because sometimes he will. But when he does, the helpmate helps, she doesnt berate or attack. She doesn’t point it out to others. She doesn’t hold a grudge. She forgives and forgets. She understands that her goal is to build him up, not to tear him down.
Imagine a relationship where by handing over the captains chair and standing by to assist as first mate everyone wins. Peacefully, cooperatively, lovingly. No drama, no fighting, no power struggle. Ahhhh.
I hope it catches on and becomes a new trend, myself! To helpmates!
Let those who have ears hear.
Notes From a Red Pill Girl 
Good approach this is.
Works well for all it does.
A “helpmate” relationship structure, in a State-sanctioned marriage, radically increases a man’s vulnerability if the wife changes her mind about being that man’s helpmate. He’s completely set up to lose his house, children, and 60% of his income. Both tradcon and feminist (well, I repeat myself) judges will clean him out, what what the wife being the vulnerable, damaged center of the home and pillar of all things childcare. But it’s a good deal for the wife.
BV I don’t disagree w you that men indeed do risk all that if they marry. She could take him out worse than his worst enemy, no doubt. The advice here is to women should she marry. And as a girlfriend. I would not blame a man at all if he looks at the marriage cost and benefit today and decides not to go there. If he does, all the more reason for him to be loyal, faithful, and true and to resist the urges of her nature that might urge her to mutiny and foolishly destroy and displace her own captain as far too many do today. Thank you for adding that.
* for her to be I mean, oops!
Part of this post’s inspiration was brought about by watching a friend of mine go through a frivorce and his ex wife (who left him!) still doing all she can a year later to take him down. When they met, he was highly successful and one of the best in the nation at his trade, vintage car restoration. Over a 10 year period she wore him down and got him to put her and her career first over his, including closing his biz and moving so she could take a promotion. Then how does she repay all that? By blowing up their family and running off w another man who she was flaunting around as “a catch” while her husband reeled. Thing is, less than a year later she’s unhaaaapy again. I will at some point do a post on this couple, but I was thinking what if she had been his helpmate instead? How far could they have gone together? Instead she destroyed him. As a friend I have been doing my best to illustrate to him what a helpmate dynamic looks like. As a friend I have been cheering him on, talking him up, having his back to others who are falling for her games, and helping support his recovery from this experience as best I can. The other day he said, “why didn’t my wife ever help me like you do?” I told him I didn’t know but it wasn’t right and that if and when he does get involved w women again, to put up w no less ever again.
Redpillgirlnotes,
It sounds wonderful and workable but, I don’t think that American women are going to let go of under the table feminie dominance. What they need is to see the downside right in front of their faces. Culturally, we’re not there yet.
Sorry.
Sadly you are likely right fuzzie. I am afraid by the time they see it, we’ll all be in major doo doo.
@ fuzzie I do think however that individual women can at least choose this for themselves, even wo society approving or following.
Redpillgirlnotes,
As it was pointe out upthread, women are at liberty to change their mind. That is the part that scares men.
@ fuzzie men are as well, as I have experienced personally. I refuse to let it stop me from living the life I want. Sometimes it works out too, why not for me and someone who is willing? That’s why I have spent so much time with the red pill per the past few years, to learn, to figure out how to make it work, how to be different, how to be one of the lucky ones. That’s why I wrote this too, to encourage other women to do the same.
I can get why men would opt out and I support that. I am glad to have found one who despite knowing all this, is willing. Look at Ton. He’s found a way to make it work for him. It is possible, if it’s what one wants. I could name others, rollo, Ted D, dalrock…
Another thought, maybe the beta workhorse is a projection? Maybe women need to be the helpmate, and man the lead. Not the other way around?
Being a helpmate requires submission. A man cannot for e that, true. It has to be given. The woman must choose to be a helpmate despite perhaps natural inner drives to rebel against it?
Off-topic, self-promotion alert—my link roundup at Chicago Boyz may be of interest: Worthwhile Reading and Viewing, Special Love and Sex Edition
http://chicagoboyz.net/archives/49695.html
Redpillgirlnotes,
I think you have brought up a point that I hadn’t considered until now. Not only is it easier for a woman to find a motivated man, it also easier for her to find one that is trustworthy. Men commit.
Pehaps this is a good thing. It points out a weakness that women need to address. The question becomes one of what manner of reassurances work be acceptable? Under the present, Marriage 2.0 puts all the obligations on men and relieves woen of any, not even fidelity.
@ fuzzie I am not sure it’s easier for women, just different. It’s not easy for anyone these days, very few are truly “winning” under the current game plan. As far as I can see the only ones who are, are those who are rejecting the currently accepted script.
I would rather live the rest of my life as a voluntary celibate than to have a “wife” submit to me as a helpmate. We have seen this example fail time and time again with the “mail order brides”. Women that come from traditional cultures where the man is supposed to be the leader in the relationship, for for whom they are trained to helpmates, still become acculturated to Western feminism and lifestyle. Many of them don’t make it to the two year mark before they file false claims of spousal abuse so they don’t have to wait a few years to divorce before getting permanent residency. The citizens of the former Soviet Union showed the most promise in these regards, and failed the worst.
To do this with a Western woman just sets up a man for frivorce failure and losing most of his wealth and earning power. It’s not a question of if, in most cases, but of when. That’s just the harsh red pill truth.
Ok so what could women do if not be a helpmate?
Live a purposeful, inspected life — with some purpose other than me and my goals. That way have a chance at coming together as equals, not as one of us being a dependent on the other. Having the man taking leadership in the relationship is completely different than having one partner be dependent on the other for their mission and their support.
@ Eccentric:
Are you indicating that you do not want a wife functioning as a helpmate due to a belief that in our current pathological cultural climate the probability of a woman actually living her life as a helpmate is not possible? That she might market herself as desiring the helpmate wifely role during courtship, but soon after the marriage she will revert/degrade to a feminist mind-set? I am guessing this is what you are saying, but let me know if my read is not correct.
Quite a conundrum for us! Especially those of us with children to guide. For me, being 51 years of age, the situation is no big deal. I’ve grown to prefer to be alone; just me and my son during my half of the joint custody week. But I am quite concerned for my son and other young men. My faith in Christ and my relationship with my son are the two biggies of my life. I believe that our Creator created marriage for men and women; and men and women for marriage. Contrary to this Godly plan are the realities of our broken, rebellious world. Logically speaking, marriage is just not a viable option for young men. But are any of the alternatives to marriage viable for young men? I think not. For a man to not marry and not lead a lifestyle of sin he would have to be truly celibate. That means no porn and I guess no masturbation. Also there is much diversity among sincere Christians regarding what it means to be “saved”. I know salvation is from faith in Christ and not our behavior. I have no doubt that a life of non-marriage is not cause to go to hell. It all comes down to faith in Christ, sins notwithstanding. I don’t know if you are a Christian, so this paragraph might not be germane to you.
“Ok so what could women do if not be a helpmate?”
Eccentric addressed the points from a man’s point of view. Now the question from a woman’s point of view. If you are a Christian then the right way to go, the Godly way to go, is to seek to be a wifely helpmate. Not only because it is the right thing to do as defined by Christ, but also it is the practical thing to do in accordance with human nature. And I know you fully understand and agree with the human nature point I am making, Redpillchick.
Your posts are absolutely outstanding. I hope to God that your current hope for your new prospective marital relationship works out well.
@ eccentric I see, and agree, a woman can and should als have a purposeful and meaningful life. I am very accomplished in that regard, so perhaps I assumed this. However where I think the wheels come off the cart is when her purpose and meaning are above all else. This does not seem to work well for anyone including her (well maybe short term but that’s all.) women can draw immense joy from nurturing and giving but it’s become almost along to being a doomat to do so, according to society. I think women who live for self first are usually unhappy and kind of selfishly destructive. More, more, more me!!! Vs one who lives a helpmate life. The couples I see who have solid happy unions all have a helpmate wife who does do w joy, seeing herself as part of the whole, not those who see it as some kind of a demotion. But all this is very taboo, now isn’t it?
@ Poseidon yes I am coming at this from the same angle, by the Book. There is much in there about being a good wife and it’s mostly about finding joy in giving and nurturing, not in putting self first. Than you for the well wishes too! 🙂
I would for example consider Liz a homage wife. She does not put her needs above all else, her family seems to be central to her life, and she seems quite happy! 🙂 she’s no doormat, not oppressed, not overly dependent. But I know she’d choose her husband and family over career, for example. And she should. That’s what will be there for her in the long run, not a fancy job title.
* helpmate wife
Also Liz is a nurse, highly educated, has worked. I am not saying don’t work. She doesn’t make that work her identity (like a man does) not does she put it above her man or children (unlike men sometime have to unless their wife does.)
I may not be explaining this clearly… I will think on it a bit. I am trying to say to women who compete w their mate, “don’t do that.”
I think where most modern women get into trouble is seeing themselves as competitors in marriage with their husbands. A “for instance” would be setting priorities on projects.
Short of being a true helpmeet, being a team player would be good.
@poseidon740, I was raised a Christian and tried it out, but it didn’t work for me. My Godly path is of another flavor.
@Bloom, et. al.
Clearly competing against a mate is setting up the relationship for failure. It puts the partnership in an adversarial relationship… which might be good practice for the divorce later on. 😛
The balancing act for the lady is to live with intent and purpose as a way to maintain and express self — maintain an identity. It is the women who submerges herself to identify as her children’s mother or her husband’s wife who I find grow dissastified with their role in life and look for something…or someone “else” to give them back their identity. Remember, it is not how a cheater feels about the other person, it is how that other person makes the cheater feel about themself that makes then cheat.
The other side of the balance is not living just to serve oneself, because that quickly degenerates into doing things for the feelz, not for the needs. This is where I see a lot of the solipsism and narcissism arguments going in the Manosphere.
So where is the happy medium? Well, as in any good business partnership, there are well spelled out roles and responsiblities, mutually agreed upon. If the New Testament boilerplate marriage template works, then I am a fan. I’ve just seen it fail too many times among devout Christians (including my mother and one of two sisters-in-law) for me to start with that model. In this modern era it certainly helps if one of the couple has a portable career, so that if a work related relocation is necessary the other spouse doesn’t lose their ability to maintain an identity. And for the man to have the flexibility of doing the household duties (including child care) makes the relationship that much more stable.
But I think the helpmate role should be mutual and reciprocal. Each person brings in strengths, weaknesses, and blindspots into the relationship. I just wish more of the partnerships totaled up at 1+1=3 and not 1+1=1.5 or even 1+1=0.5 as it is in so many cases.
That last post was me. Maintaining multiple avatars can be so pesky.
A woman as an equal? LOL
@ eccentric I get what you are saying and I too have seen women who make their mate and/or children their identity often end up with an identity crisis. I am not advocation total abdication of self, that would be as unhealthy for a woman as self as supreme . But to me helping your man rather than power struggling w him is what I am trying to say, perhaps not very well. It’s a hard concept to put into words. It’s win win, not win lose or lose lose.
Redpillgirlnotes,
I don’t think that you are having a hard time explaining it. It’s just that the boys don’t need to be sold on the concept of “team”.
The blue pill version of marriage as co equals is the more likely to fail.
Also think it’s Fuzzie but someone has some good intell pointing to mail order brides divorce much less
We also know more traditional gender roles equals more sex in marriage
There is no body of evidence to base recommending a co equals or marriage 2.0 kind of deal to men. Might be a good deal for the spilt tails but I doubt that is true as well.
It may have been me. I found something over at RoK. There is a US study now buried, that said that only twenty percent of foreign marriages led to divorce. The weiter also found a Swiss study that broke it down even further. I thing Western to Swiss was about fifty percent, normal for them and us. However Swiss man to Eastern European woman was about fifteen percent. What blows everything out of the water is when Swiss women marry, thy eighty five percent?!
My take away. Culture counts.
I get it. I do. But what should I advise women then? Frivorce for cash and prizes!?!? Be a siw? how could I? helpmate is the way, for a woman… I am trying to do my little part in stopping the madness…
“I get it. I do. But what should I advise women then? Frivorce for cash and prizes!?!? Be a siw? how could I? helpmate is the way, for a woman… I am trying to do my little part in stopping the madness…”
I don’t understand why you are posing that question. Why would the preceding conversation result in you asking this? Is it Eccentrics assertion that patriarchy is too flawed?
Maybe you are feeling rhetorical. I know I do at times. Sometimes while I have the news on the TV while working out I kinda talk back to the TV, especially when a democrat is voicing an opinion.
OT comic relief time.
This is pretty funny.
“Only in Europe can you go from Kissing to Petting to Fucking to Wedding without ever leaving your car” 🙂
@ Poseidon yes it was rhetorical. And directed at nobody in particular. My grandmother once told me a story about a woman who hid in her house her whole life because she was afraid she might get hurt. How did she die? A tree fell on her house. My grandmother’s takeaway? Get out there, nobody gets out of this Alice anyway, may as well live!
* alive not Alice. Oops, darn autocorrect!
@ Poseidon it’s also somewhat directed at my frustration w certain people in my everyday life who for some reason are dead set against my quest to remarry. They want me to live out the SIW lifestyle so they can tell themselves it works. No thanks. I am nobody’s poster child. 🙂
“My grandmother once told me a story about a woman who hid in her house her whole life because she was afraid she might get hurt. How did she die? A tree fell on her house. My grandmother’s takeaway? Get out there, nobody gets out of this Alice anyway, may as well live!”
Good parable, Bloom! 🙂
I use to tell my crew
It’s only life and no one gets out of it alive.
Handy thing to remember when you’re #1 in the stack
True, what’s that saying don’t leave a beautiful corpse, better to live full bore, every moment is a gift. I have to remind myself of that some days. I should have died on July 20th, 2005. Instead I woke up to a surgeon telling me I had somehow walked around w a ruptured appendix for two weeks and lived to tell the tale (the first doc said it was a bladder infection so I thought I was just being a baby!) that experience totally changed my life, facing my own mortality. We are all going to die, we just do our best to deny it. But yep, nobody’s getting out of here alive, may as well make the most of the time! Cheers!
And for me anyway, touching the lives of others in a positive way? Well if I can do that for at least one and hopefully many, then it was not in vain. Cheers!
Now get out there and live your dreams, people! Times a wastin!
If my kids say I was a great mom, if my future spouse says I was a great wife? There you go. A life well lived. My boxes are checked.
Helpmate. It’s what women are made to do. It’s actually really gratifying but it’s so taboo these days most women never get a chance to even experience that joy. What a shame! Truly, try it!
Lol ok pep talk over 🙂 now do it! Ready, set, gooooooooo
“It’s only life and no one gets out of it alive.”
I had an interesting conversation/debate with a pastor friend last week. I argued that all or some of us are already dead, in Hell, and it is only our egotism that sustains the fiction of our earthly humanity. I wasn’t demolished by the pastor, though I’m sure he worries more about my blaspheming now.
The premise, incidentally, is lifted straight from C.S. Lewis. At least, one can think, if we’re in Hell, that at least means Someplace Better exists.
I’m just here to brighten your morning!