A post at another good blog got me wondering, maybe the secret to staying married isn’t fixing or eliminating all of the relationship struggles, but simply riding the tough times out, instead?
Or another way to think about it is like a white water rafting adventure: The last thing you want to do in the rapids is jump or fall out of the boat! By the time you reach still water, rather than jumping out, chances are you’ll want to simply paddle along and enjoy the peaceful calm before the next stretch choppy water.
See, life can be like that. Sometimes the “problems” in marriage and relationships aren’t really about the couple as much as they might be unhappiness or strife caused by other factors: a dead end or draining job, more bills than money, the trials parenting can bring, lack of quality couple time, lack of outside support, family of origin baggage, and so on. Sometimes there is no quick fix, or even no immediate fix at all. What’s needed is simply time and preserverence.
That seems to be what a study on marriage that tracked unhappy couples over a five year period says. It found that the couples who were happiest didn’t necessarily “solve” their problems, they just stuck it out. Even more telling, people in couples who split were less happy five years later than those who didn’t!
Consider the following study findings:
- Two out of three unhappily married adults who avoided divorce or separation ended up happily married five years later. Just one out of five of unhappy spouses who divorced or separated had happily remarried in the same time period…
- Many currently happily married spouses have had extended periods of marital unhappiness, often for quite serious reasons, including alcoholism, infidelity, verbal abuse, emotional neglect, depression, illness, and work reversals. Why did these marriages survive where other marriages did not? The marital endurance ethic appears to play a big role. Many spouses said that their marriages got happier, not because they and their partner resolved problems but because they stubbornly outlasted them. With time, they told us, many sources of conflict and distress eased. Spouses in this group also generally had a low opinion of the benefits of divorce, as well as friends and family members who supported the importance of staying married.
- Spouses who turned their marriages around seldom reported that counseling played a key role.
So ladies, in marriage remember this simple but all too often overlooked strategy for dealing with issues and struggles — often you don’t have to “fix” those problems as much as you just have to ride out the rapids to calmer waters. And whatever you do, don’t jump out of the boat!
Sadly, in my family’s case this has certainly proven true. A year after I ended my 12 year marriage, my ex stopped drinking, finally left a work situation that had been a big part of his (and therefore our) unhappiness, and things evened out. Nine years later, I very much question if rather than creating additional conflict by continually focusing on “fixing” the problems, maybe had I simply hung in and been more constructive they might have resolved themselves? I will never know, but trust me it’s not something I would wish on anyone to wonder. If sharing my experience can help another, perhaps it is not in vain. I have many regrets. Don’t be like me. Don’t learn this the hard way.
Let those who have ears hear.
Notes From a Red Pill Girl 
Redpillgirlnotes,
Maybe this is what you have been trying to say all along to those who would dump their hubbies.
Remember the F/F (fuck/fight) ratio. If it’s in good shape (6+), then the woman is attracted no matter what life sends at the couple. The fights will tend to be less disruptive when the F/F ratio is high.
There’s also the matter of setting expectations. Some relationships are just going to have more turbulence than others and the couple has to accept this and live with it and figure out how to make lemonaide (makeup sex anyone?).
I like this introspective Bloom.
This is a really great post, Bloom. I like hearing it from a woman’s perspective sometimes (maybe it’s less harsh?).
Sometimes things just can’t be “fixed” at the moment… sometimes trials cant just be “fixed” by working on them harder. Things like illnesses, or job loss (that can lead to prolonged under-employment), trying to sell a house that is crushing the family’s finances with it’s mortgage (I’ve known couples who had that problem for a couple of years… it was very stressful and of course, affected their marriage to some degree). Right now with us, my husband’s schedule is really hard for me to deal with – not having his help in the evenings, being alone with the kids all the time. But there’s literally nothing we can do right now, just have to wait it out until he can find a better schedule eventually, which may take a few years.
How strange right, that they should tell people these things (I sound probably like a spoiled brat) but no really, during marriage counseling, tell them that you will have times where it just really really sucks, and there will be nothing you can do about it in that season, but eventually, the season will change and things will get better if you’re both good people and trying to cling to each other. hmmm
OTOH…would your ex-husband’s behavior have really changed that much without the feedback he got by you ending things?
Definitely food for thought. But some situations you can ride out and others you can’t. Or maybe it’s more accurate that you both have to be willing to ride it out.
@ David, true, I am not sure and will never know. My ex is a good man, I believe now his drinking was largely a symptom of his unhappiness w his job (he truly was under appreciated and taken for granted, despite working hard others less worthy would get promoted bc of nepotism and/or a dysfunctional management team, after many years it wore on him) and also when a former girlfriend appeared w a child she claimed was his, he bonded and was all in paying support and visiting, but when she demanded he make that legal and he requested a paternity test first, she ended all contact and moved to another state, he was devastated and I can see now very much grieving that loss, plus his family life sucked growing up so he had little in the way of knowing how a “healthy” marriage worked and he was suppressing g a lot of that family of origin stuff. So I believe his drinking was to anestitize those feelings, and the resulting depression, largely. Yes, my ending the marriage when his drinking escalated and the verbal abuse was starting to progress toward threats of physical violence did seem to be a wake up call. Apparently despite my trying for years to get him to see how unhappy I was, I don’t think he believed/heard it until I left. By then, I was mentally so done that when he made efforts to salvage things, I was too stubborn/afraid to try again. All that said I was myself immature, and my behavior perhaps made all this worse than better. I certainly was adding to his struggles rather than helping, I will own that and more. I myself had no idea how to be a good wife, and was at that time only hearing support for ending it, not fixing it. To this day I have many regrets. He’s seemingly happily remarried now, so it’s all water under the bridge at this point. However I also know it’s been really hard on my own, much harder than I ever expected. And I see my children struggle as well because of us having two households and life moving on with time. Something I didn’t get then (maybe another post) was that when you have children, a divorce is never “over” and that’s hard, too. This is why I urge other women to really think hard before making the choice to end things. I agree w Maeve that some issues cannot be ignored or ridden out, nor should they be ignored in hopes they will go away. For the record, I do believe there truly are cases where divorce is best but those cases are rare, certainly not half of all marriages. Hope that clarifies a bit w/I all this being TMI.
Exactly Dragonfly, now think of how much added stress it would add if instead of accepting this job thing is a season, if instead you constantly bitched and harped at him and also to others? It would make a hard thing infinitely worse. You are wise to not do that! I don’t think that sounds spoiled at all, I think it sounds mature and wise beyond your years. I wish other women would do the same.
@ gamer yes makeup sex works for a reason! Lol.
I see discord in a relationship as just another stimulus to work on “inner game” strength. Unlike stress at work, you have a loving spouse at the end of dealing with the issue to make the reward that much sweeter.
Make up sex is more damage control with a reversal of outcome. I prefer more of an ’emotional flip’ sex session. When the woman’s negative emotions are festering, get a zesty session going. It’s just as good for catharsis, but with less chance of resentment building up for the future.
Good way to think of it eccentric, building inner game!
Good post, Bloom. 🙂
Yes, I agree with Dalrock’s article. I’m not a fan of counseling at all. I’ve never seen anyone improve via counseling…in fact currently, in my area where a lot of people have more money than sense, “preventative marriage counseling” is a “thing” now. Just, you know, go to counseling because talking (and often creating conflict for no good reason) is considered “healthy” now. It should be noted that marriage counselors divorce on average at a higher percentage than the regular population (which is already a disturbingly high percentage).
What does that tell anyone capable of thought?
Sorry you are going through hard times with Mr Dragonfly’s work schedule, Dragonflygirl. 😦
This too shall pass. I promise. Think of how much more you’ll appreciate time together when life gets easier. It’s like a glass of water after passing through the desert. 🙂
Sticking it out works most of the time which is why divorce was near on impossible to get
Progressive divorce laws are working as intended, that intention being to.have more.women.file.for.divorce and families torn apart, weakening familial bonds and strengthening governments, NGO’s, and busy body’s in general
Thank you for the encouragement Bloom! And thanks Liz, I totally agree that it seems small in comparison to the rest of our life together. I do like to think of what it will be like in 10 years from now, I’m sure there will be different things (at least one teenage boy!!!! yikes!) but by then, he will probably have a much better schedule and be able to spend more time in the evenings with us.
I like that glass of water after passing through the desert analogy, Liz!!! Thanks!
Liz,
From what I have heard about counseling, it’s ego massage for the wife and all the blame falls on hubby. I don’t know why it’s so one sided but, it has been said that feminism has suborned psychology.
Redpillgirlnotes,
Farm Bot just linked this post. Let’s see if it gets more active.
LOL Liz… “Mr. Dragonfly” … haha my husband got a kick out of that 😛 He was like… “yea right!” 🙂
I was stubbornly committed to my marriage that after a fight or tough time I would sleep in front of our door blocking the way out and letting my wife have to pull a Spider-woman to get down out of the balcony of the 3rd floor of our apartment.
Oh the shame lol… that was our first year!!!! I was an idiot!!! And I feel so bad that you had to do that.
Personally I regret every ounce of effort I sunk into my marriage, however I was, at.the time, unaware of what was going on and acting in good faith with the misunderstanding that she was as well
Yea I was a sucker
“LOL Liz… “Mr. Dragonfly” … haha my husband got a kick out of that 😛 He was like… “yea right!”
It’s not as bad as “Mr Liz”. 😛
“I was stubbornly committed to my marriage that after a fight or tough time I would sleep in front of our door blocking the way out and letting my wife have to pull a Spider-woman to get down out of the balcony of the 3rd floor of our apartment.”
That sucks, sheepdog. 😦
(btw, I really like your handle)
Eh it was in our first year we were both learning still even trying to grow intoadulthood. Those times have long since passed and we can look back and laugh and can’t even remember what we argued about. And most the flights ended within an hour, she’d come out and apologize and we’d have make up sex.
what was said above and then our experience just shows that it’s true. To perseverethrough the hard times and you’ll end up happier. There are certain things that you can’t do that with… if she had an affair on you or other manipulations shes proba not worth the struggle. Small things like finances,extended family, youthful immaturity and learning to live with another could possibly be worked out.
Very true Sheepdog, thanks for adding that! We are all silly when young. Power struggles are common. Glad you saw what needed doing in the rapids, led the way as a sensible Captain, and got ‘er done.
From the masculine perspective being committed to your marriage feeds the worst in her
She has to earn the commitment near on daily
Bloom, eventually he stopped blocking me, and I could tell I was starting to ruin our marriage (in just the first year!!!) and that he was starting to grow cold towards me. That hurt the worst, and probably woke me up to what I was doing. Dread game maybe? He would have been fine without me… athletic, handsome, good with women – they always liked him and flirted with him… he would have eventually been ok, whereas I would have been a woman with some baggage at such a young age – only 20 – (and already married and divorced within a year), someone who’d blown up my marriage with frivorce.
I’m not entirely sure what changed the dynamic (?), but I do think his nonverbal (but very much felt) emotional pulling back led to the dread of actually losing him.
@ dragonfly, I have heard similar tales from other happily married women in the sphere. Many, like you, have husbands who responded to such early power struggles by drawing the line rather than giving in. I find that very interesting, and illuminating! 🙂 it’s hard to admit our less than glorious moments, but sharing them shows every marriage has those moments. I am glad you two stuck it out!
I have to ask…what was the wife trying to skip out the third story to go out and do? What were you leaving to go and do, Dragonfly?
LOL Liz… I was actually so dumb and immature… I was trying to run away. 😦
Dragonfly, luckily you didn’t. We are all silly when young. Glad you two worked thru it! 🙂
Yes, I’m glad too!!
If you don’t want a divorce, don’t leave.
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