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biological clock, career woman, dating, divorce, feminism, fempire, marriage, red pill, single independant woman
If like me, you were raised to be a good little feminist, you may have what I have come to call “Superwoman Syndrome.” As a child you were told to be all you can be, and while on the surface that sounds good, the truth is the attempt to be and have it all can turn you into a burned out, workaholic who puts family and a personal life last in the attempt to live up to the Superwoman myth.
In many ways, I see feminism as the female version of the blue pill, the “pretty little lies” women have been told will lead toward a happy, successful life. Like the supplicating beta male, trying to “be nice, then be even nicer!” the female blue pill tells a woman that she should work harder, achieve more, that job title and status, “just like a man” are the path to success.
And of course if a woman tries to live that life script and finds it lacking, feminism blames her. She’s not trying hard enough, she has to try harder! She has to be more powerful, more independent, more strong because after all she is a victim of oppression and a failure if she doesn’t.
So she goes to college, starts her career, puts off marriage and family in the quest to climb the corporate ladder. If she does marry and have kids, she’s told to put her family last, to put herself first, and to let someone else do the “menial” tasks like raising children and keeping house. After all, those are things ANY woman could do, right? Why waste her potential?
So she either finds herself married with children and a husband that she barely sees or when she does she’s so darn worn out she’s just going through the motions. Or she puts off marriage and kids only to find that when she’s “ready” at age 35, she’s facing a much smaller dating pool than she would have in her early 20s, and unlike then, now she feels like she has to decide quick, maybe making concessions she would not have otherwise that lead to a “meh” at best and unhappy at worst marriage. Or maybe she doesn’t settle only to find she can’t find anyone at all, or at least not anyone who wants to marry her although they may want to sleep with her.
At this point such women either just furiously keep trying to work the broken script or they realize, perhaps too late, that they played their hand all wrong. Now what? There are no easy answers. You can’t turn back time and redo things over, and for many the path to the corner office turns out to be a lot less satisfying than it was supposed to be. Or she’s finding her employment options becoming more limited with age, as she competes with ever younger workers who are willing to do her job for less. The corporate world, she may find, will never love or care for her like a family would, she’s entirely disposable. In her youth focusing on herself may have been enough, but with age she feels the loneliness and disconnection from anything of true meaning or legacy more and more as the meaning and security her job and career were supposed to provide becomes more and more precarious.
It takes a lot of guts and insight for someone with Superwoman Syndrome to admit it’s not working out, that change is needed. However it is the only hope she has of ever getting from where she is to where she would rather be. The process can be filled with feelings of betrayal, anger, bitterness, and blame. After all she did everything society told her to do, and it didn’t work, not because she didn’t try, but because nobody told her it was a big social experiment and she was the guinea pig, a test case.
In time the anger fades and life moves on. She starts to rediscover what it means to be a women, to be female, to be feminine. She learns there is strength in weakness, in letting go of control, of following rather than leading. She learns being a womanly woman doesn’t make her “less” but makes her more. She learns no job or career will ever be as satisfying or stable or secure as a loving family. She learns a woman’s greatest achievement is not her own, but to nurture great achievement in others which in turn is her shared triumph and achievement.
If you find that it’s just not working to “be it all and do it all,” consider taking off the cape, humbling your pride, admitting that maybe independence is not the path after all, and learning how to be interdependent or even (gasp!) dependent.
There’s freedom in letting go.
Let those who have ears hear.
Excellent post. My wife and I are trying to raise our daughters with the right outlook on life and marriage. My wife went to college, but choose a career in the medical field that has allowed to step into and out of the work force as necessary for the kids. Her profession has also enabled her to make very good money when she is working. Nothing wrong with education and work, but not when you put them ahead of your family.
I just found your site and I am enjoying reading through your posts.
Thanks so much Suburbanmanlife, and welcome! I agree, there is nothing wrong with education or career, it’s just that too many women put that before all else. I too am hoping to raise my girls to think and do different! I am happy to hear you are too 🙂
I am a strong believer in doing what feels right for you. The idea of having it all can mean different things. Listen to what your heart says about who you are, and that should be a trustworthy guide about where do go in life.
Good post, Redpillgirlnotes! A lot of women are going to go down this road and not realize its unnatural till it’s too late. The feminists sold them a bill of goods.
the female blue pill tells a woman that she should work harder, achieve more, that job title and status, “just like a man” are the path to success.
To be honest, not really that many men are climbing the career ladder like the cliche suggests (think plumbers, many corporate workers, truck drivers, etc.. This is really another form of apex fallacy.
Hmm … from a millenial’s viewpoint, I think at least our generation, and probably gen X (born 1970+ to Gen Y’s), were raised to be extremely pushed to succeed in all different aspects. You’re right to say like a Super woman. Sports when we’re little, dance as young as 3, gymnastics, music lessons, academic pursuits, clubs, organizations, etc. etc. etc. I had something going on every day of the week, and did dance performances around our city on Saturdays… Just from using my example it amazes me to look back and see how much I did and got used to feeling like I should somehow always do. I played flute in band, took piano lessons, ran cross country, ran hurdles, was in the church choir, took dance lessons, always busy busy busy. And it didn’t stop with college, it just changed focus to groups on campus and my studies (and study groups). So getting married early disrupted my (parents’) plans for my life, and really slowed things down thankfully.
But it’s weird to realize that most of us were raised TO be like a super human… doing everything and trying to juggle everything from really young ages. I read something recently about girls these days having issues with anxiety, being so wound up because of all the things they’re involved in and all the pressures on them to do and be everything. I wonder if it was like that throughout history? Is it some kind of female competition thing?
Young girls much attention and adulation they do have.
Feel that anything they can do.
Reality otherwise it does think
But it’s weird to realize that most of us were raised TO be like a super human…
Probably not most if think about it one does
I don’t know Mrs. Yoda, pretty much most of the girls I grew up with – my generation and even younger – were pushed to be and do everything. It was probably someting to do with parents being told in the 80’s that they’d better make sure their chidlren had high self-esteems, otherwise, they’d be failures in life. I’ve read quite a few people my parents’ age and younger that have kids that feel immense pressure to have them involved in everything from a young age, otherwise they’re afraid their child will somehow “miss out.” And they’re deathly afraid of their child having low-self-esteem.
My dad even talked to me about that as he studied psychology and was really interested in the parenting ideas of the ages. He thought the self-esteem stuff they were peddling was crap, especially when it led to giving trophies to everyone on the team just because they participated.
It’s interesting though, the people I know now, my friends who are late Gen Y’s and Gen X’s who are parents, we’ve established the opposite of what our parent’s generation did with involving us in everything. A lot of my friends only have their child in one thing at a time, are careful about the time spent resting and with family, and actually care about eating dinner at the table instead of in the car on the way to the next practice.
I’ve also seen a backlash in my friends wanting to be stay at home moms rather than feel pressured to work like their moms did. A lot of us grew up in daycares or being watched by our grandparents, and had an eye-witness experience of watching our moms try to “do it all” and failing miserably.
This gives me hope that future generations will choose a different path
pretty much most of the girls I grew up with – my generation and even younger – were pushed to be and do everything.
Answer your own question you might have
Probably went to solid middle class school you did
Yes, or even upper middle class so you’re probably right there. I went to a private Christian school and then a public school in a very wealthy area.
What ever you do DO NOT follow your feelings or listen to your heart. Hearts can be easily deceived and feelings tend to lie about reality. No one can have it all. Someone one will suffer, the only question is who. Now I need a sammich.
Now I need a sammich.
Come to Degoba and make one for you I will
Mrs. Yoda,
Have soup made by Yoda too?
Dragonfly,
“Eat dinner in the car on the way to the next practice?”
Out of control this is?
JDG,
The “S” word is sandwich? What have we come to?
The “S” word is sandwich? What have we come to?
A bad place in a bad time my friend. Three words feminists cringe at when offered to a man:
Sex, submission, and sammiches.
Hoo boy – I’d say this hit a little to close for comfort for me today. Excellent writing. Thank you for this very thought provoking post. I struggle with this. 9 years ago, I was a stay at home mom, struggling to pay the bills, but loving it. In 9 years, I’ve re-entered the workforce. I’ve built up a fabulous career…but now suddenly I feel like it’s all I have. When people comment on how successful I am and how I should be proud, all I can think is… ultimately its just a job, and I’m a cog in a large machine. It’s not nearly as fulfilling as my family once was for me.