In a world where many women have been told since childhood that they can “have it all” there’s a very real risk that belief can actually create a lot of unneeded angst.
In reality, everyone can’t have it all. In fact very few (maybe none) do. But if the expectation is that it is not only possible but a given, well even almost everything isn’t enough.
In fact I know more than one woman in real life in this very position. There’s very little their lives lack, yet they are profoundly unhappy (and make the others in their lives profoundly less happy, too!)
The solution is what I call a gratitude attitude. It’s amazing how simply shifting the focus from what is missing back to everything that’s there can instantly turn a bad mood around.
In fact for every one thing that’s going wrong there are likely 10 more things going right. But for some reason the human mind seems hardwired to focus on the flaw in any situation.
Perhaps at one point being able to see the one thing wrong was what made the difference between getting mired in the tar pit or taken out by the saber tooth. Being able to spot what was wrong with the picture made the difference between surviving or not.
But today, at least in the United States and many developed countries, the reality is we experience an abundance on a daily basis that was unimaginable just a few hundred years ago. Even for the then most privileged on earth!
In fact, if you have a place to live with electricity and running water, food in your refrigerator and cupboard, access to modern medical care, and the reasonable right to assume all those things are a given baseline, well you are actually among the most privileged alive even today.
Sure, sometimes things aren’t perfect, and sometimes things even totally suck (like you or someone you love has cancer, for example) but even then chances are there is something, or even lots of things, to be thankful for.
Life is fleeting and precious. Cherish all that’s going right and well, those who love and care for you, and the simple pleasures in life. Doing just that often reveals the happiness that seems lacking.
It’s a lot easier to count your blessings than to eliminate or fix every single thing that’s not quite right.
Focusing on what you’re giving to the world rather than on what you are getting from it cultivates a gratitude attitude, too. Win-win!
Let those who have ears hear.
Notes From a Red Pill Girl 
There is apparently a saying in the traditional Hawaiian religion, to the effect that “a monster cannot survive in an atmosphere of gratitude.”
Which suggests that an atmosphere in which the emotion of gratitude is discouraged is a breeder of monsters.
Of course, easier said than done. As Leonard Cohen put it:
I saw a beggar leaning on his wooden crutch
He said to me, ‘you must not ask for so much’
And a pretty woman leaning in her darkened door
She cried to me, “hey, why not ask for more?
If the cup seems half-empty, change your goggles so that you see it as half-full.
I’d like to see a post encouraging women to apologize for their bad behavior. I have a field report about that.
“Natural happiness is what we get when we get what we wanted, and synthetic happiness is what we make when we don’t get what we wanted. And in our society, we have a strong belief that synthetic happiness is of an inferior kind.” – Dan Gilbert, The Surprising Science of Happiness.
The opposite of living with a sense of gratitude is living with a sense of entitlement. Except in rare circumstances, the two are mutually exclusive. See how many people are entitled and unhappy, and how many are grateful, even for just the little things, and happy. It’s a choice of attitude, but a choice that comes with tremendous consequences.
This sounds great to those of us who have enough on our hands. Will it work for Frivorcee Wannabe?
Stay tuned.
Happiness = Reality – Expectations
Nicely put. My grandmother always told me to always pray for thanks…not just when you need something. 🙂
A choice people do have
Be happy or be unhappy
Why some choose poorly they do?
The problem is with the woman’s definition of gratitude. The NPD woman, for example, views gratitude as something that flows from others to her- not vice-versa. Somebody who has a “video in their head” of how things are supposed to be cannot feel gratitude because their narcissistic projections are destroyed when things don’t go their way and they can’t grok the fact that even if things didn’t go their way, they’ve still been blessed in many ways and need to be grateful. To such people, gratefulness is an alien concept.
Speaking from experience, sometimes I think men’s attraction to T&A is a curse.
Gratitude is all about baseline expectations and the perceived lifestyle of others.
The media is responsible for generating unrealistic expectations in women. I can remember (at the tender age of 23) having to counsel unhappily married 18 and 19 year old women. “You grew up in your fathers house and your mother and father had spent at least 20 years working for everything they had. Do you think they started out with all that? NO! You married a young man who doesn’t have a pot to piss in. Deal with it. Give it time, work with him and things will get better, but this is how life works.
I was an extremely ineffective marital counselor.
Did someone mention Leonard Cohen?
Now Suzanne takes your hand
And she leads you to the river
She is wearing rags and feathers
From Salvation Army counters
And the sun pours down like honey
On our lady of the harbour
And she shows you where to look
Among the garbage and the flowers
There are heroes in the seaweed
There are children in the morning
They are leaning out for love
And they will lean that way forever
While Suzanne holds the mirror
And you want to travel with her
And you want to travel blind
And you know that you can trust her
For she’s touched your perfect body with her mind.
That’s beautiful, Cill.
I hadn’t read it before. 🙂
“I was an extremely ineffective marital counselor.”
Are there any truly effective marital counselors?
Sounds to me like you were much better than most. You told them what they needed to hear, not just what they wanted to hear. 🙂
Re: Expectations. I’ve probably mentioned this before but when Mike pissed of one of his bosses we were sent to Alamogordo, NM after only being in Yorktown, Virginia for about 7 months total (we were told we’d be there 4 years at the very least, bought a house at the top of the market and put a lot of money into renovations and everything…at the 5 month point we got the news we’d have to move).
I’d heard stories about Alamogordo. Apparently the wives all cry when they cross the city line and see it. So…I was prepared when Mike picked us up at the airport in El Paso (that place is also a toilet) and drove to Alamoghetto. But he did something tricky. There was a little ghost town on the way. Oro Grande, population probably 20 and virtually nothing there but rattlesnakes. It was kind of dark and there were no street lights. He stopped and said, “Here we are!” I walked out and looked around and said, “Huh. Okay, this is about what I expected”. And he started laughing and said, “this isn’t really it.” When we got to the Alamoghetto it looked a lot better.
🙂
Showing a bit of gratitude go a long way it might
Just to add (I blab and blab) Thought I’d quote from the ‘happiness’ chapter of Scott Adam’s book “How to Fail at Everything and Still Win Big”. It’s a good book, I recommend it. This is an excellent chapter. Of course, there are lots of other books that hit this point too (Covey and Tony Robbins come to mind), but Adams says it most succinctly IMO.
He gives an outline of his recommendations for happiness with some examples in this chapter. Much of it has to do with diet, sleep, exercise and so forth. He finishes with an example of himself and his success. He says after he reached the pinnacle of accomplishing everything he’d ever set out to do, and exceeding his wildest expectations, he felt suddenly and profoundly sad.
“After some self-reflection I realized that I was feeling adrift. I no longer had a primary purpose in life because I’d already achieved it. It was an eerie feeling, unreal and unsettling. I had no kids at the time, so I had no reason to achieve anything more. I’d dipped well below my baseline happiness and I wasn’t rebounding.
The way I climbed out of my funk was by realizing that my newly acqquired resources could help me change the world in some small but positive ways. That was my motivation for creating Dilberito, which I hoped would make nutrition convenient and perhaps contribute to a trend. In the long run, the Dilberito didn’t work out. But it was 100 percent successful in giving me a meaningful purpose, which allowed my optimism and energy to returen.
Unhappiness that is casused by too much success is a high class problem. That’s the sort of unhappiness peopel work all of their lives to get. If you find yourself there, and I hope you do, you’ll find your attention naturally turning outward. You’ll seek happiness through service to others. I promise it will feel wonderful.”
Dilbert might have had a “high class problem”, but I think it’s a problem many women share. It’s really a first world “problem”. If instead of projecting inward one projects outward (benefitting others), it increases happiness. Drawing joy from the joy of others (especially people for whom one has the most direct impact…spouse, children) goes a long way toward a happy life. And that is a true gift to one’s family because living with a happy person has direct physical and mental benefits (just as living with an angry unhappy person has the opposite effect).
FWIW, Mike would tell you I’m the happiest person he knows. He says that to everyone. Even when I am down or angry, he says, “Well, fortunately I know this won’t last long because you’re a happy person and your happiness “baseline” always falls there.” It’s true (knock on wood).
Can’t resist (I find this song so very danceable):
Now Lazy Ass is going to get off her ass and go for a run. Have a great day all.
🙂
This post gets two Ton thumbs up
I never set out to be happy, I set out to get shit done, to achieve certain technical standards in my work and life, to develop a reputation for certain things and now…. well I doubt there is a happier hillbilly alive.
Liz,
It is good to hear that from you.
@ Liz this is very true, the women I know who lack for very little yet are unhappy seem to ironically have too *few* true problems and struggles! So they create them. I agree w you it’s such a gift to bring your happy self to your family, so much better than bringing your angry bitter self. It’s a choice, it truly is!
@ ton agreed, happiness is an inside job. You seem to have realized your life is what YOU make it, not what others hand you. So few people seem to get that. So they complain about all they aren’t getting instead of making it happen. To be a self actualizing personality is a gift. I see it most often in those who faced struggles young and did not have things too easy. Somehow that builds strength, character, and a self determination that an easy start often does not. The “scrappy” factor. 🙂
Liz,
It’s all together off topic but, in your area of interest. Reading this post, this guy isw facing fifteen years for asking women out.
http://www.thinkinghousewife.com/wp/2015/11/hounded-in-the-air-force/
Thanks for the link, Fuzzie.
According to the original article, the guy faces up to 130 years for “sexual harassment”.
Good grief. I hadn’t heard of this one. 😦
Speaking of which, Mike has been offered a job at an active duty base, which would require going back on active duty for a couple of years. It’s a very very good job.
He needs to make a decision and tell them today. He’s not sure. All the reasons he got out are still there (and worse), but it doesn’t get any better than what he has been offered. We’ll see.
Liz,
If I would offer advice to your husband, it would be to see to his own, and his family’s, needs first.
Wow Liz, whatever he decides that is a compliment for sure! Wishing him clarity in his decision…
Thanks. 🙂
Well, he kind of gave them a lukewarm myeh. We’ll see if they’re still interested.
Cons:
-we’d have to move and we really like living here and don’t want to move (especially Mike and the kids…I’m pretty easy).
-it would be a stressful job and require a lot of work for both of us (I’d have to go back to the spouse’s volunteer stuff and it’s pretty good not having to do all that)
-he isn’t reallly interested in getting promoted.
Pros:
-It’s a very prestigious job and everyone is happy for him and thinks he should take it.
-the pay would be a lot better and living expenses lower (with access to commissaries and so forth). We could sock some money away and we took a good cut the last four+ years.
-He could help a lot of people.
It was pretty funny getting the full story when he got home. I guess they called the previous day and his secretary mentioned he needed to call them back, but he didn’t think it was urgent. Apparently it was. So they called him again the next morning. His final answer was: “I can take this job if you need me to do it”.
I’m sure that’s not at all what they were expecting. So, we’ll see if he still gets it. He thinks it’s probably only 50/50 after that. 🙂
A couple of days ago, Mike was saying he was having second thoughts and would call them back in a couple of weeks and tell them no. Well…he got the call yesterday that it was approved, and it would be really hard (kind of like pissing on a sparkplug) to back out now.
So, he got it. We’re kind of ambivalent. But, this is so strange and hard to believe (we’re gobsmacked) that he’s been offered this I have to kind of think there’s something in the Plan (God’s plan) here.
Just yesterday afternoon he called to see how many more days until he can retire. He’s very very anxious to leave. And then yesterday evening they called and said the position was approved.
I joked that the military must be kind of like a woman. The less interested you are, the more she wants you, the better stuff she throws out.
@ Liz I was wondering what he decided! I think looking at it as God’s plan is a good way to go.
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