Monthly Archives: December 2016

When Are Things Equal?

27 Tuesday Dec 2016

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Lately I have been pondering — after civil rights, women’s rights, gay rights, (insert disadvantaged group here) rights…when are things equal?

After all the policies and retributions and legal changes made in the past 40+ years, are we there yet?

And when we get there, what follows? Subjugation of those who previously had privilege, or true equality where everyone takes personal responsibility and rises or falls upon their own merit?

If true equality is the goal, eventually merit, ability, personal achievement, and individual responsibility come what may (win or lose) must be the end results of the equality movement. Because if the playing field doesn’t level but only tilts, that’s not equality, that’s privilege.

I know people of all stripes who started with nothing and had every reason to fail who have made it and I know people with every advantage to start with who have failed despite that, and I have also known all degrees of people in between.

IMHO true equality does not need programs or penalties. On either side. Equal is equal, fair is fair, yes? Are we ready to embrace personal responsibility? Or will we continue to cling to victim hood, past wrongs, retaliation, and group status instead of being individually and equally responsible for our own destiny?

When are things equal? And then what? How do we move forward? Please share your views in the comments.

Home Sweet Home

22 Thursday Dec 2016

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I have a very simple rule in my home: all who enter must respect that it is a sanctuary. A place of peace, health, safety, love, and tranquility. A respite from the public sphere.

Now imagine if I invited in some house guests because they had fallen on tough times. And they started started trashing it, committing crimes, being violent, terrorizing my neighbors, forbidding my traditions, insisting on making the rules in my home, insisting that I (and my neighbors) needed to live by those rules, etc.

Wouldn’t it just make sense to make the guests leave, and never let them come back? If I would not do it myself, how long would it be before my neighbors banded together and did it anyway?

I think it would be better for me to face my mistake and act, than to ignore the obvious and make it someone else’s problem.

Just saying. There may be an allegory here.

What do you think?

The Power of Gratitude

21 Wednesday Dec 2016

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Something I have noticed in life is that nothing can turn a bad attitude or a feeling of want around like gratitude.

Because you know what? There will always be something going wrong, something we want, something we think we need, or something we wish we had. In fact, if one focuses on what’s MISSING there is really no end to the things to be upset about. No matter how much you have, it will never be enough.

Gratitude is just the opposite. There is always something to be thankful for, and often once I start listing my things off they quickly outnumber the “missing” stuff.

Another bonus, when I focus on what I am thankful for it’s almost impossible to feel unhappy or upset, either.  It switches the glass from half empty to half full, or even runneth over, just like that.

In this season of “gimmie gimmie” gratitude is like a breath of fresh air. I don’t need a Lexus with a red bow on top to make Christmas complete (I actually would not even want that, but the commercials every year make me wonder, does anyone actually do that, and if so do they give the car along with four years of car payments, or how would that work?)

I have always worked to instill gratitude in my kids, as well. And a few years ago during a particularly lean holiday season, I was so proud of them when they happily embraced the few gifts I was able to afford that year, never even noticing or asking for more.

One thing our holidays were rich with that year (and ever since) were experiences — decorating the tree, making gingerbread houses, enjoying candy canes, looking at holiday light displays, telling holiday tales, watching Christmas movies, making crafts to give as gifts, baking cookies, sipping hot chocolate with marshmallows, cuddling up in blankets on the couch, admiring the tree. These things don’t cost much but will be remembered long after the latest “it” toy loses its luster.

In the end material things are just that — things. But relationships, family, friends, health,  community, health, Grace, memories and all those other things no amount of money can buy are the true treasures in life. Cherish them, and may your heart be filled to bursting!

Merry Christmas!

They Will Attach to Someone

19 Monday Dec 2016

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I have just started reading a book, “Hold Onto Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers” by Gordon Neufeld and Gabor Mate,  recommended by regular commenter HappyHousewife, and wanted to share the simple premise so far and how it explains much of what we see happening in our culture today.

Simply put, human babies and children form a primary attachment that guides them as they learn and grow. In years past, this attachment was naturally to the parents, who were the primary caregivers when most families lived an agricultural based, small village lifestyle.

This lifestyle can still be found in places today, such as Provence, France.  Children socialize as part of their family’s socializing. Everyone knows everyone. Multi-generational groups are the norm. Children were rarely apart from their parents, and when so were with people they knew through them.

Compare this to today’s post-industrial urban lifestyle where both parents work, children are often in group daycare from a young age, spend more time in childcare than with their parents, then the pattern is continued with schooling, often coming home to an empty house. Rather than bonding to their parents as the primary bond, these children attach to those they interact most with — their peers.

This sets kids up in a blind leading the blind sort of way. Language, learning, motor skills, and many other things are delayed because they are learning from these peers, who understand or master such skills just as little as they do. Also bad, peer attachment can be brutal, as it is not based on the unconditional love parent attachment is, but can be very fickle.

Additionally, whomever the child considers the primary bond is who they will follow,   listen to, try to please, develop morals from, etc. Children who are not listening to their parents, the author speculates, don’t have a behavior problem, they have a relationship problem. The solution isn’t punishment and rules, it’s reestablishing yourself as the primary attachment in their life (I have not got to this part of the book yet, the “how to” part.) Without it, you are fighting a losing battle.

As I said I am just starting the book, but already I can see there will likely be lots of post topics springing out of it.

It is a great time for me to be reading this book because so far, I still am the primary source of attachment in my children’s lives, and now I can see even more why I want to keep things that way until they reach adulthood.

Today, many children in the pre-teen and teen years become peer focused, causing the many problems we see today of formerly “good” kids suddenly not listening to their parents anymore, because they are listening to their friends (and other influences like media) instead. While society says it is, “normal” this author speculates it is not, and it is something parents should be aware of preventing. If their friends rule, trouble ensues.

Looking back at my own childhood I can see I peer attached at a rather young age. How about you? Thoughts?

 

When Hormones Attack

16 Friday Dec 2016

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Yesterday, my oldest daughter got a look on her face I know very well — the face when hormones attack.

It started with a misunderstanding on her part that it was Friday, when it was actually Thursday. She had been particularly happy it was Friday, because that was the last day before Christmas break. So I can understand her disappointment to discover, no, tomorrow is Friday and there is one more day of school before break.

This daughter is and always has been low key, quiet, and mild.  So when I saw THAT look on her face, I do not even know how to describe it, besides “I am about to implode in rage and I may just take this whole place down with me!!!!” Kind of the look on Carrie’s face in the movie when the mean kids dump pigs blood on her. Yeah. Terrifying.

She was otherwise totally, eerily quiet. Then she said, “But my phone said it was Thursday yesterday.”

Trying to offset the darkness with light, I chirped in as cheery of a voice as I could manage, “Oh dear, I don’t know how that could be? Shoot. Let’s look…” and then I showed her on both my cell phone and computer, it was, sadly, indeed Thursday.

I could see her internal hormone cloud swirling and increasing in size by the minute. The eye of the storm was approaching fast. Gulp. She was NOT happy. She stared right at me, with that haunting look, as if to demand that I fix it and fix it now.

Oh dear.

At this point I realized that the cart may be about to come flying off the wheels at any moment, remembering my own hormonal storms at her age. So I did what all good moms would do. I explained I needed five minutes alone, and I walked outside. Before whatever possessing my child made her head start spinning around and projectile green vomit to come directly my way.

I strolled around in the brisk air a bit, and then I see her, stomping with that same look on her face, across the yard toward me.

I reminded her I was taking five minutes, and really would be right back. I said, “I am feeling a bit overwhelmed for some reason at the moment, and I just need to get a grip on myself.” (Hoping she would think to herself, “Yeah, me too.”)

She stomped back to the house and I finished my five minute stroll.

When I came back in the house, I could tell the storm had passed, she had mentally moved on, and that disaster had been averted.

And to her credit she never did “lose it” despite my knowing she absolutely wanted to (and I know, because I have been there my hormonal self.)

I started making dinner, asking for her to help me and otherwise keeping busy. As we were almost done cooking, I said to her, “I think what just happened was hormones. Did you feel that intense feeling?” She agreed, and then I continued, “But I am so proud of you for not losing it. Lots of girls do, and can cause a lot of unnecessary drama. Sometimes you will feel like this, and when it happens, remember it is hormones and what you are feeling is turned up by 10 because of that.”

She totally got it. Whew.

Of course we will see month after month to come, but the younger women can be taught to recognize a hormonal storm and how to contain the disaster, and control their emotions in general, the better.

Or maybe I really should consider building a tower where she can be for the next few years. I can see now why such stories exist!

 

Balancing Family and Work

15 Thursday Dec 2016

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I found the quotes in this article about Kellyanne Conway turning down a top White House appointment very interesting.

Now, no doubt Conway has been working non-stop for the past year plus. She has a super quick wit, a resolve of steel, unwavering loyalty to her candidate, she’s tenacious as a bulldog, obviously driven, passionate about her beliefs, and doesn’t back down when the media attacks. She broke through the “glass ceiling” by becoming  the first female campaign manager for a presidential candidate. And her candidate won, to boot.

One would think she’d jump at the chance to be a central figure in the new administration, after all she has done. She’s certainly earned it. But no. Why? As she puts it:

“And when I was discussing my role with other senior campaign folks, they would say, “I know you have four kids, but…” I said, “There’s nothing that comes after the ‘but’ that makes any sense to me, so don’t even try.” Like, what is the “but”? But they’ll eat Cheerios for the rest of life? Like, nobody will brush their teeth again until I get home? I mean, it just—what is the “but”?

No doubt she’s missed a lot of her children’s lives this past year. And she recognizes that.

And she continues:

“And I do politely mention to them that the question isn’t, would you take the job? The male sitting across from me who’s going to take a big job in the White House. The question is, would you want your wife to? And you really see their whole—would you want the mother of your children do that? You really see their entire visage change. It’s like, oh no, they wouldn’t want their wife to take that job. So, it’s all good.”

Good for her for recognizing her children will only be young for a short time, and that being their mom during those critical years is also a very important job. And that she is the only person in the world that can do it.

Sure she could hire childcare, have family watch them, or even employ personal nannies. But none of those people would be her children’s mom, and she knows it.

It seems rather than viewing her decision as, “throwing it all away” she seems to get there are seasons in a woman’s life. Politics will be there when her children are grown (maybe she will be the first female president?) but her children’s childhood will never come again.

Imagine having Kellyanne Conway as your mom, pouring all that into you. What child wouldn’t want a mom like her in their corner?

 

 

 

 

Female Violence?

14 Wednesday Dec 2016

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A reader comment got me thinking, you don’t hear much about female violence in the news or in general. But it’s actually a HUGE problem. Even the CDC says more men than women experience partner violence.  And there is almost no public awareness or discussion about how we can help reduce female violence, little to no support or resources for victims of female violence.

Why is this topic so taboo? Isn’t all violence worth talking about? Worth effort to reduce?

(Note: This post is not meant to take away from women who have experienced violence. That is also not OK. I am just speaking of violence by women, and wondering why we don’t talk about that, too.)

Root Out the Misinformation

13 Tuesday Dec 2016

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Something I have written about in several different ways, but that I think bears repeating, is how my red pill awakening resulted in the uncomfortable realization that almost everything I had been taught about “how the world works” really doesn’t.

Even now I find myself having to be conscious of that old programming and not letting it back in.

For example, I was raised to not act or dress too feminine, because that was weakness and asking to be a victim. I was told to put off marriage and family, and instead to worship the Gods of education, career, and independence. I was taught men were not to be trusted, that they were out to get me, that they would oppress me and/or hold me back at every turn. I was taught children were a burden, they would keep me from my own hopes and dreams, and to put them off as long as possible if not indefinitely. I was taught to think, “Me first!”

Things is, I did all that and it didn’t work. If anything it lead to failed relationships, workaholism, disconnection, paranoia, and putting my own internal wisdom aside to follow the “modern” way.

If you have also been raised with some of this way of thinking, ask yourself, “How’s that working out?” And if it isn’t, start relearning what does work. Root out the misinformation, and do different even when at times it feels “wrong” or “weird.” Because it will.

Realize as you make new and different choices, others will try to push you back on the path you are abandoning. Look at their lives and ask yourself, “it is working for them?” before taking advice.

The good news is the ancient wisdom is in there. Trust it. Seek it. Grow. Share.

 

Does Feminism Say Boys Are Better?

07 Wednesday Dec 2016

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A recent post by a commenter got me thinking… Does feminism actually say boys are better?

On the surface one would likely say, “Of course not!” It’s all about building women up, right? It’s about girl power!

Except feminism largely pushes girls to be more like boys. Hummm. That’s odd.

Girls are told to act less like girls. Dress less like girls. Avoid activities and topics that are deemed, “girl stuff.” To shun traditional girl roles in favor of more masculine ones.

When you think about it, doesn’t feminism actually encourage women (starting as girls) to ape traditionally male behavior rather than celebrate the uniqueness of being female?

I would agree with feminism that boys are better… at being boys. Women, however, are better…at being women.

But in a world where boys have been encouraged to act more “female” and girls have been encouraged to act more “male” for decades now, isn’t that counterproductive? What’s so wrong with boys being boys and girls being girls? Men being men and women being women?

Personally, I like being female. I don’t consider it a disadvantage. I don’t consider it a bad thing. I don’t consider myself “lesser” because of it. I don’t feel like I am a victim. I don’t feel held back. I don’t feel like I have missed out. I don’t want to be “something else.”

Why would feminists insist I (and other women) should see it otherwise?

Hummm….

Wait a minute!

06 Tuesday Dec 2016

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Ok, I know this is somewhat off topic, but the more I dive into the red pill, the more it seems to be about a lot more than male/female dynamics to me — more about society and culture overall.

So with that said, what the heck is this business about some of the electoral college voters deciding how to vote on their own, versus voting what their state voted? Has this ever happened before? Does anyone know the legalities of this?

I find it seriously, seriously troubling. The electoral college system may not be perfect, but it seems to compensate for the rural/urban divide and give all regions a voice.

It seems to me people already mistrust the system to be working for them (rather than the powers who be) enough. Do we really need electoral college voters going their own way with things to add to that?

What do you think?

(Note the effort to ignore the Brexit vote in the UK that are underway as well… not very democratic?!?)