When I was younger, I will admit I did not have the greatest emotional control. The smallest things could get me wound up and I would stew for ages over them.
It was not only damaging to myself, it was damaging to my relationships. Let’s admit it: nobody really likes to ride unpredictable emotional roller coasters. But many people don’t realize it is a CHOICE to do so, or not. I know I didn’t for a long time.
Then I read a quote from Don Ruiz in the Book The Four Agreements that put it in perspective. To paraphrase: Does your mind race in many different directions, like a pack of jittery wild horses? If so you need to put a lead and a bridle on your thoughts, so you are controlling them rather than letting them control you.
I instantly recognized the truth in what he was saying, and realized that I was mostly living in reaction to my thoughts rather than harnessing my emotional state to work for me rather than against me.
It has taken time, and mindfulness, but since then I have learned to recognize when I am having repetitive, circular, nonproductive, emotionally draining thoughts. I have nicknamed it, “spinning” as a way to describe how I feel when I slip into that emotional space. It goes around and around but gets me nowhere – except emotionally and physically drained.
I have known a few male spinners, but from what I have seen I think the female brain is more prone to ruminate. Add to that hormonal fluctuation, and the spin can really get going just as Ruiz describes, like a pack of wild horses running in all directions but not knowing why, what to do, or where to head for safety.
If any of this sounds familiar, start to keep tabs on your inner thought patterns and see if you can start to recognize when you are going into a spin. One tip off can be the thoughts are either ruminating on a past one can’t change, or a future that has not arrived yet.
The solution is to come back to the now, to even touch a solid piece of furniture or do something to ground yourself in the present. Are the things you are spinning about happening right now? By all means if so, engage in fight or flight mode.
But if not, allowing your body to react as if you are in flight or flight when really there is no currant danger nor anything you can do about the situation won’t help. Get out the lead and the bridle and rein in your wild horses. Choose NOT to spin.
In time you will learn what works for you: perhaps a brisk walk, some time listening to music, mindful meditation, a change of scene, making a to-do or solution list, doing something physical and productive like cleaning house or gardening, writing in a journal, etc.
I still spin occasionally (and to be fair, I come by it honestly – most of the women in my family are near-professional league spinners) but I don’t do it nearly to the degree I once did. The spins happen less frequently and when they do I can get them under control much faster than I once did.
Speaking of other spinners, be especially aware of others in your life who may exasperate the cycle rather than help you break out of it. I learned some people are spinners and want others to spin along with them. I could be in a perfectly good mood and then get around certain people or groups and soon we’d all be spinning, going around and around about something but getting nowhere but upset.
Worse, there are even people who will use your spins against you, purposely getting you all worked up as a way to feel better or more in control themselves. These people are toxic, and should be eliminated from life when possible or their impact minimized when not.
Learning to control my emotions rather than allowing my emotions to control me has led to a much happier and healthier life, both for myself and those around me. It’s a journey rather than a destination, so don’t expect to turn around well set patterns overnight. But with time and practice you will improve until you find yourself rarely spinning rather than frequently spinning. Maybe someday I will reach a spin-free state, but for now I see any progress toward that as a step in the right direction.
I am trying to help my daughters learn to control the spins early. Whenever one of us starts to twirl, we’ll call each other out on being “special snowflakes” and then all purposely act out a melodramatic toddler-level fit until we are all laughing at the ridiculousness.
What about you? Can you relate? What have you found works for you? If you are not a spinner yourself, have you ever known one? Please feel free to share in the comments!
Let those who have ears hear!
Notes From a Red Pill Girl 
My ten year old niece is bipolar so one minute, she is the sweetest little girl you’ve ever met, but then a minute later she’s like the exorcist girl I posted up a couple posts back. She is currently not on any kind of meds. I’m not sure if she ever will be or not. She is the youngest of three kids, so it doesn’t help that her parents have literally coddled her from just about everything while the other two kids were forced to just tough it out. I guess it’s just one of those things that that is just the way that is.
I only see her once a year because the in-laws live out of state, so there is only so much I can do for her in terms of positive masculine influence. Her older brother seems to do a good job of keeping her in line though.
Have the parents taken her to a specialist? Not just a family practice doc, but a psychiatrist? From what I understand, bi-polar usually emerges around puberty, although some kids can be oppositional and difficult from a younger age. Depending on her age, meds may or may not be appropriate. UNfortunately if she is actually bipolar, it is the 2nd most difficult mental health disorder to treat and control. Lithium is usually the drug of choice, but it can cause liver damage and other problems, limiting how long one can take it. Bipolars are much more prone to suicide, as well as drugs and other risky behaviors. A good diagnosis that really gets to the bottom of if it is behavioral (learned) or physical (chemical) combined with a whole family action plan to work with it would be a huge blessing for her vs. tiptoeing around it.
Another possibility, and one most don’t want to contemplate, is that a bi-polar like personality can be caused from early childhood trauma, such as an abusive babysitter the child had before they could even remember or communicate what was happening. Hopefully this was not the cause 😦
She was also born partially deaf, so she wears hearing aids all the time and is pretty self conscious about it always wearing her hair covering her ears. Bipolarism has run in the family being that her Grandmother had it, and her dad is merely a carrier, so I’m mostly going off of that. I don’t know about all the other stuff you said, but she does see pediatrician and hearing specialist regularly.
Good, I am glad to hear she’s getting help. The more behavioral and self care skills (eat well, good sleep, control stress, recognizing triggers, etc.) she can learn, the better!
Anyways, I didn’t mean for this to be complete downer for you. I was just sharing something I thought relevant to the post.
Interestingly enough, some synchronicity was going on here:
https://heartiste.wordpress.com/2017/01/26/dear-womens-march-our-children-are-watching/
😛
“Good, I am glad to hear she’s getting help. The more behavioral and self care skills (eat well, good sleep, control stress, recognizing triggers, etc.) she can learn, the better! ”
Yeah, she gets all of that. Her parents are your basic devout protestants who go to their megachurch twice a week.
She’s a typical social butterfly and has many friends at school whereas her older sister age 12 is more of a bookworm and they’re really competitive with each other to the point of outright antagonism.
No worries, it wasn’t! 🙂 I am glad you brought it up!
I saw that post too, pretty ironic, no? Talk about some women who could use some emotional control! Yeesh!!!
GLA,
I think that a lot of the women attending were SAHM. How else were they able to take off and sleep in one thousand dollar a night hotel rooms in Washington? Dad got to watch the kids for the weekend. There is a sound theory that all that was booked and paid for when they were certain Hillary was going to win and they came anyway to protest.
It is good that children are watching. Le them learn early how full of manure and hate. feminism is.
RPG,
Your post asks women to make an effort on their part. I am sure they would rather hear about how men are deficient in their effort. Most of what I read, including red pill, asks for nothing from women but asks men to make impossible efforts to accomodate.
@ Fuzzie, I think most red pill sites are directed at men, so they give men advice about what is within their control (themselves) vs. not (what women do.) It seems most red pill sites advice not getting oneitis and being quick to next gals who are difficult, and such. I don’t remember any red pill site telling men they just have to take it or should make huge accommodations. It seems to be more about improving himself for his own sake, mastering himself, and the women are a bonus of that bc naturally they are attracted to men like that. But that’s just my understanding, the guys would know better than me.
I try to give women constructive advice here, bc I am not seeing a lot of this info anywhere else! And women CAN also improve their skills for sure, but it’s easier for ME to say that than a man bc of the in group thing.
Kind of sounds like my two, w/o the bipolar part. The older is meek and mellow, little sister is extroverted and a people person. They both annoy each other and push each other to grow, the older having to push back and the younger having to tone it down.
They both have their own group of friends at school and they both go out of their way not to be seen together. It’s like watching Mean Girls and Clueless happen in real time in family members.
@fuzzie $50 per hour paid protesters, I bet most of them were single moms.
GLA,
I just remember Faith Goldy saying that her plane from Toronto was full of them. These are not ordinary people. Fifty dollars per hour? George Soros does have deep pockets.
RPG,
It is that it has always been on the men to make accommodations. More hoops to jump through and it continues with the red pill. It gets bad when the the advice is contradictory.
A new post at Spawny’s there is
https://spawnyspace.wordpress.com/2017/01/27/an-interesting-new-relationship-dynamic/
True re contradictory, truth is nobody really knows “the” way. I take what advice feels right for me, leave the rest. Overall the red pill has made me a much more conscious, thoughtful, and well rounded person so I am glad to have found it! And all you fine folks 🙂
Oh dear, mine aren’t quite there (yet?) They certainly are born who they are, forget the blank slate theory! Best a parent can do I figure is try to guide them toward their strengths and help them shave the rough edges off the rest. And pray! 🙂
I think your kids are fortunate. You can make and follow a plan. While I don’t know why, i think my mother never had a clue.
@ Fuzzie, I had to make a plan, I was clueless mothered myself and knew that did NOT work well. I am not perfect for sure, but I love my kids and will do my best to raise them to become functional, well adjusted young ladies worthy of marriage and motherhood themselves. I had to figure it all out myself, not optimal.
RPG,
You love your kids. that much is obvious. I think my mother was going along with someone else’s life plan and checking off boxes. It would not surprise me if a lot of women are doing that.
Yep… I have known many spinners/toxic people. I don’t know what makes people like that. I don’t really understand the psychology as to why making someone else upset would give another person pleasure, but I stopped trying to understand that years ago. I just put the defenses in place to make sure I rarely have to interact with such people.
True Fuzzie, my mom had sisters who did the no kid thing (the fashion of the time) and I think my mom envied their freedom. But when I had kids those sisters realized their story ended there, no grand babies. Then they had regrets.
I think being a parent ideally helps one grow in a way that’s healthy, to learn to set yourself aside a bit and invest in your children. Not everyone manages that. We are a “me first!” Society.
I can see how your aunts, once you had kids, figured out that that option wasn’t available to them.
As a society, we do see children as an expense, a burden. It is wrong. for most of history, children are a source of wealth. They support their parents in their age.
A man with Frame helps a woman keep her emotions in check
A smart man will create a little drama for her, like picking her up over his shoulder and pounding her until her pussy breaks or a quick hard ride in a sports care where she bitches about home driving to fast but secretly loves it.
A young couple I know fills this role with her watching him play rugby. Watching him almost get hurt, battering and battling other men keeps her since of adventure alive, supports his frame etc etc
Most guys have these problems because most guys are completely weak and that does bad things to a girls head space
If you put kids on brain meds to early they will become immune to them and docs won’t be able to use those mess later
Or so I learned with my niece
Plus those things are way powerful, more powerful then folks know. It’s probaly best not to use such tools right away
Agreed Ton, I don’t think putting kids on meds s a good idea either. Better to work on the behavioral, lifestyle, and coping stuff. Sometimes they just need sports or more activity!
To George Liquor American: Get your niece on a good methylated vitamin B complex, vitamin C, vitamin D3, and kids DHA. It’s likely her nutrition isn’t the best and these supplements will turn her around after a month. Don’t treat with the drug cartel pharmaceutical corporations lithium can cause liver failure and a whole other host of health problems. It’s amazing what good nutrition will do for a person.
Thanks for adding that Kirk! And welcome!
My Father always demanded way more control of emotion from us girls. He told us: Women are able to have a harder reign on their emotions then men ever will. They (Men) are full of Testosterone and Adrenaline, they will go out of their way to fight and be aggressive. Agression can be good- if used sparingly and mastered with Iron Will. Still, Testosterone is like a fast flowing River, female hormones are way more unpredictable. Most men are like loose cannons. You must show them your Iron Will, your confidence in the Storm. Impress and challenge them to harden their Will, to control the inner Animal.
I do not remember flying off the handle, but I did go on walks if the house was too small for me. But my Sister had to do a lot of archery to get a handle on her temper. This was her punishment. Father had her shoot when she was out of control.
Father let our brothers fight, but only under supervision. Senseless and uncontrolled rage was met with harsh punishment. IF they destroyed something by roughhousing they had to repair or rebuy it. Agression towards us girls or god forbid or mother was punished by hard slapping or later labour. I will raise my children like this. Boys will be more aggressive – but they are to master it. Agression in appropriate places is ok but it has no place in others. If my boys are unable to get themselves under control in school they will not go to college. At least not with our money. They know it.
@emscherweib thanks for sharing that! Yes, I absolutely agree it is a parents’ JOB to help their children learn self control. I think in the “let them be who they are” parenting years, we have lost this. It’s a balance (as always) between crushing their spirit and letting them run wild. I shoot for the middle of those two and it works.
I agree with Ton sort of. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with being very emotional, women are that way for a reason. But if everything is too easy, we need an outlet (exciting man or substitute with entertainment). Feel the emotional storm, listen to your instincts, hear yourself, dig deeper into those feelings and find release. I think you start spinning when you try to put a break on it, you should just let the feelings come and then see what your take away is from the experience when it’s passed.
I think the whole thing with bipolar (save the actual cases, I mean the women who just act that way because they have no ‘control’) is a consequence of feminism. It is taboo to call each other out on such things because YOU GO GIRL so women don’t grow as people. Also you need to be around rolemodels as much as you can, even as an adult. You never stop learning and having sane, happy, older women around keeps you grounded. I remember when my firstborn was laying in a crib, I was home alone with her and couldn’t hear, see or feel any breathing and her cheeks felt cold (thick blankets, deep sleep, cold day). For a moment I thought she was dead, I really did. An auntie let me sob, heard me, assured me that almost every mother has a moment like that, comforted me until I could laugh about it. If you don’t have anyone older and wiser, those situations can run away with you and turn into phobias and such.
Yes women are emotional creatures and I wouldn’t change that! I want my Girls as God made them, not copies of me or men but when a woman is subjected to a man’s frame her emotions become more positive, more balanced etc her life is better, his life is better, life is just better
@Ton, yup. Everything is just better when it works out between men and women. That’s my only issue woth MGTOW. I get where they are coming from, but it’s still defeatist, giving up, missing out. I don’t see a better way, I don’t see HOW to go about relationships these days unless you’re already in one, but life is just better paired up.
Yes women are emotional creatures and I wouldn’t change that! I want my Girls as God made them, not copies of me or men but when a woman is subjected to a man’s frame her emotions become more positive, more balanced etc her life is better, his life is better, life is just better
This is something each woman has to decide on her own. And I would be very cautious with such blanket statements!!!!! Men are also known for violence towards their families.