Tags
break up, breakups, commitment, dating, divorce, love, marriage, red pill, relationships
Most of the couples I know who are unhappy make a common mistake — instead of thinking about what they could do to make their side of the relationship work better, they pick their partner apart.
I have had one woman tell me that, “She’ll try AFTER he fixes all his stuff first.” Really? And trust me she can roll out a list of things he does wrong, but is unable to see her own side of the dysfunction.
When the relationship is struggling, it is good to ask yourself what YOU can do to improve things, rather than focusing on what your partner should do or isn’t doing.
It’s nearly never 100% anyone’s fault. Man or woman. Many times there are things YOU can do to make things better, even if your partner isn’t. And change creates change. You changing how you approach the relationship will eventually force them to act differently, as well.
And the only thing you can control or change is YOUR SIDE of things, anyway.
And if the issue really is something there is no fixing, like your partner has a personality disorder, and things don’t work out despite your best effort to make it so, at least you will know you tried.
Let those who have ears hear.
Notes From a Red Pill Girl 
Yes, ladies, you really can work on your half of things and it will get a LOT better.
https://www.amazon.com/Doctor-Recommended-Kegelmaster-Exercise-Device/dp/B00XYPLCKA/ref=sr_1_1_a_it?ie=UTF8&qid=1488249534&sr=8-1&keywords=kegelmaster%2B2000&th=1
Read the reviews. Seriously, read the reviews.
“Chinese finger trap”
So true. Check out The Bond That Makes Us Free. It helped me learn a lot.
Toad
That tells me how I can change. I believe the intent of the article was to look at what one could change about one’s self that would lead to improvement of a situation.
Makes me think about throwing stones.
I can attest to this. Trying to fix your spouse before fixing yourself just causes resentment and fights. However, if you show your spouse that you’re working hard to do better, they’ll usually reciprocate.
Lead by example.
Linny, what does the “throwing stones” comment mean?
But one should set himself a time limit. Cause where is the incentive for the other to change if one changes and accommodates the other?
This trap of projection is very easy to fall into. I like the message to focus on yourself and what you can do better. That simple piece of advice can take you far. Thanks for sharing.
Toad
The implication of the message was self improvement not projection as chubaoyolu said. I read your post as projecting improvement onto women. I could be wrong, it wouldn’t be the first time.
There is no way under the sun, moon or stars that I can converse with you on a biblical level. So my stones comment was just something biblical that popped into my head. Yes, I do know that the story about throwing stones has nothing to do with self improvement. But it did make me feel as if a stone had been thrown and that is just my own personal reaction to what you wrote.
I apologize if that was not your intention.
Toad dear, we do love you, but Linny has a point — you jumped right to what WOMEN could do! 😉
Linny
“I read your post as projecting improvement onto women.”
That is truly preposterous. Ask yourself what an orgasm actually is and what the physiology involved is, which leads to the question of why is that doing kegels causes women to have better and stronger orgasms. The topic of the post was what women can do. If you think sexual satisfaction in a relationship isn’t important, you’re smoking crack.
I’m not saying that *you* would *ever* blame the man for your lack of sexual fulfillment. I would never suggest that any woman would consider the size of a man’s dick to be of any importance at all. Of course not. Why should the man have anything to do with your sexual fulfillment? Why blame him?
/sarcasm
I stand by what I posted. That’s an exerciser that women can use to tone up their babymaker and it will allow them to gain a great deal more satisfaction from sex. The woman is in complete control of that, she is the one who chooses to do it, she is the one who benefits. More sensitivity, more orgasms, better orgasms and all without swapping out the man for a larger model. And if she”s an evil bitch she can even use that muscle condition to tighten down and give the man a case of premature ejaculation just to make him feel humiliated.
What’s not to like about all that?
Toad
It is not likely that you will engage in conversation with many women who have been in a ltr (27 yrs) who know just how important sex or the lack there of is to a relationship than me.
Personally, I think your exerciser is a very good thing. You have mentioned it before and I will admit that I have actually recommended it to a couple of women. No, they have not given me any feed back. Oh, and I mentioned it to my doctor just in case it might be a handy piece of information.Kegel exercises are good for more than just sex.
Here in public I admit that I blamed my man for my lack of full sexual satisfaction. Solo is pretty good or at least better than nothing and when you have over ten years experience at it you do become damn good at it. But I know from experience that partnered sex is better and more satisfying.
Unfortunately, I live in a town of less than two thousand people (that includes men, women and children) so successfully cheating is virtually impossible and that is assuming there is someone I would want to cheat with.
The original post was not aimed at women only even though the only example she gave did lay the blame on the woman.
The wording of your opening line is what I took exception to, perhaps if you had worded it differently my reaction would have been different.
I loved my partner/man very much even in the sexless relationship we had. Perhaps my love did change over the years into more of a love for a dependent but either way I do miss him very much.
I was a fool. I realized pretty early in our relationship that he was a broken man. I spent the the majority of those twenty seven years making changes in myself in hopes of repairing him. I failed.
BTW the size of his dick had nothing to do with it.
Lol Toad, I thought you were saying if women had a tighter baby maker, their GUY would be happier! Lol… thanks for elaborating, this adds more info.
And a guy probably would, but that’s besides the point…
This is true I only gave a female example, but I actually did mean BOTH women and men. So here’s a male example: I know a guy who was telling me about a guy he worked with who was constantly complaining his wife wouldn’t have sex. Well the guy apparently had such bad BO and rarely showered, that he was hard to be near even at work! So in this case, perhaps this guy could have worked on his hygiene and attractiveness?
Aside fro RPG’s example, most men find that they can turn themselves into pretzels accommodating their women and it won’t get them anywhere. It is because that is the typical beta response to all this and it is a proven losing proposition. Compound this with modern women finding fault with their men to the nth degree and not moving till it is all cleared up and you have what amounts to a Mexican standoff in the relationship.
Linny,
We like you, but we we are not talking about you. We are addressing generalities. Please don’t take all this stuff so personally. Again, you are liked and we are sad for your loss.
Finally, it is time for a little comic relief. I have been watching too many Girls und Panzer music videos, but some are fun for normal people. Don’t ask about the details, just enjoy!
Don’t mess with Finnish girl tank crews! I think this is being closely studied at Ft. Campbell.
A new post at Spawny’s there is
https://spawnyspace.wordpress.com/2017/03/01/the-next-big-thing/
Did anybody like the video?
Off topic. Pathetic. Women in Toronto who are Looney Tunes.
Trying (or hoping) for your significant other to magically change is a lost cause. You could do everything else perfectly and it won’t change a thing unless both people are committed to maintaining and improving the relationship. Usually that means that they “feel good”, basically maintaining that false sense of love that people normally feel early in a relationship. The BS of life piles up and the deep-rooted issues inhibit the ability to deal with reality, then blame sets in. It’s your fault that they don’t feel good, so now they must move on to someone else. I know because I’m in such a situation and I face a divorce (according to my wife). My wife has been unwilling to try to maintain a relationship ever since our son was born, and things just continue to grow more challenging, even though it would probably be pretty easy for us to turn things around. All she wants to do is run (literally) away from her past problems. She became an ultra marathon runner shortly after our son was born and it’s all that matters to her anymore, but now she feels that she faces middle-aged loneliness. Always out there, running, alone.
I don’t claim to not be at fault in some aspects of our problems, but she will not own any of hers. Maybe I wasn’t sensitive enough and listening to all of her problems, but I’m not one of her girlfriends. Maybe I was working too hard instead of putting in the quality time required at a certain period of our marriage, but then she just shut down completely and wouldn’t let me back in. There is always an excuse, and it’s different every time. It is often something trivial from 15 years ago. I can’t figure it out because I’m just expected to know what I’ve done wrong rather than work together to fix it. She was sexually abused as a child, but insists that it doesn’t have an impact on her ability to have a relationship after some counseling sessions. I’m not entirely sure that’s the case. It’s had a radical impact on her ability to have a healthy intimate relationship, which basically means none at all.
I guess I can relate with Linny’s post above. I knew that my wife had problems and was hopeful that it would change, nevertheless I never walked out on her nor did I leave her for another woman. The pain of the situation consumed me for years.
But to the point…
Anyone who claims to be perfect in a failed relationship is lying to themselves and everyone else. At this point I am focused on putting aside all anger, resentment, and negative feelings. You can only change yourself. Is it wrong to want to have a partner that also feels the same way? Not at all. But I’m not going to lose any more sleep over it. Either way I’ll try to find more compassion and get rid of the bitterness. I face the harsh reality of alimony and child support, but that’s temporary and I’m over it. I’m truly heartbroken for my 6-yr old son, who has to deal with the fallout of these selfish ambitions. He’ll go from always having contact with a loving mother and father to a strange new world of two separate homes. He won’t see his dad half of the time and he won’t see his mother half of the time. I can’t believe that any mother would want this for her child. I face losing the only two things in the world that actually matter to me. I hope that she truly can find what it is she wants before she get’s “too old” (her words). She’s acting out of fear because she now sees herself as a 40-year old who desperately wants to find “the perfect companion”. I could go into details about the hellish past 5 years but I’m done with blame and I’m ready to move on, with or without her.
Ladies, leave guys alone if you aren’t going to commit. I’m talking actually commit. You aren’t worth our time. If you don’t have your shit together, don’t sucker some man into marrying you. The high divorce rate says as much. Don’t buy into the fairytale and then bail when stuff gets harder. Unless you’re Supermom for some stay-at-home “new man”, be proud of your man for putting a roof over your head and keeping food on your table, and giving you the family that you wanted. They say that no man succeeds without a good woman.
Guys, do your homework. Don’t marry a typical modern woman and fall into this trap. It’s a losing proposition. Better yet, don’t marry at all. The odds of you finding someone who will be willing to take the more difficult path is slim. So slim that half of the populous appears to be taking the easy way out (3/4 of divorces are by women who seek to liberate themselves from their men, good or bad). My wife was a kind-hearted woman who changed a lot after achieving her dream of having a family. Then she seemed lost. She seemed alone. Her mom did the same thing; She fled her husband after having my wife (first child), found another man, cranked out a few more kids and then berated and hated on him for 20 years. For whatever reason they apparently worked it out because she seems to be pretty cool these days.
Whatever you do, you’ve got to be willing to accept your own faults and try to take ownership of your mistakes, not only for your spouse and children but for YOU. This goes for both men and women. fuzziewuzziebear is pretty much spot-on. The concept of taking ownership for your mistakes seems simple, but any woman that is at-odds with her man is just going to let it linger and burn forever until she decides it’s over. It’s a constant stalemate. I’m not saying that men don’t ever do this (usually sissy-men) but it’s not normal. We’re conditioned to punch one another and then buy the guy a beer. That’s the way it works.
A Dad,
Thank you for the kind word. I think that what men are dealing with is finding a woman who will commit. I hope that you can repair your marriage.
Dear A Dad, I am so sorry to hear this. YOu may want to go to a blog called Dalrock, there is quite a bit there about how you can manage the situation and if a split is inevitable, protect yourself and your kids as much as possible. I will pray your wife comes to her senses. Thank you for sharing your story and please keep us posted!
“My wife has been unwilling to try to maintain a relationship ever since our son was born, and things just continue to grow more challenging, even though it would probably be pretty easy for us to turn things around.”
Yea I was going to say this works but only up to a point 😦 It doesn’t work for men to just bend and bend and work on their side of the “problem” if the “problem” is all in the woman’s head and she’s just shit-testing him constantly and “unnnhapppy.” There’s just not that much that husbands can do in that position, and when they DO try to make positive changes she says she wants, it’s never enough and they end up divorced anyway. I’ve seen it happen to friends now enough to know that the men complaining sometimes are dealing with the “princess mentality” wife who thinks she does no wrong, manipulates, and really just doesn’t respect her beta husband.
I know you know all this Bloom… just pointing out since the post sounded like it works both ways equally… but unfortunately I don’t think it does when it comes to certain kinds of women. The men can try to work on the “problem” all on their own, but they may still end up divorced or with her cheating on him because she’s bored.
Thank you. I appreciate the comments. I know that I took things slightly off-topic but I’ve got to get it off my chest. Essentially, I’m trying to work on keeping my own head in check regardless of the outcome. No more anger over this nonsense. No more resentment. Get back to being healthy of body and mind (I’m in better physical shape than I was in my teens and 20’s). Look to a better future in spite of short-term financial setbacks. Be the best dad that I can be. Never marry again, because I simply have no need for it. If I were to be so foolish again, it would only be with a prenup. Of course, I want to date again. In fact, I can’t wait. It may seem selfish but I’m ready to have a real sex life again. Ready to be around women again that also enjoy being around me. I just put my family priorities first.
She doesn’t put her family first. Therein lies the problem. She has a cyclical record of obsession and then abandonment for everything in life.
I’m focusing on working on my own issues for me, not her. If it improves our relationship, then it’s especially great. If not, oh well. I’m moving on. When she leaves, it’s only a few more years until my son ultimately comes to live with me full-time (it will happen).
But the fact of the matter is, some people are just incorrigible. It doesn’t matter if you are an “alpha”, “beta”, or any other sort of silly thing that people try to use to pigeonhole someone. There are people that simply cannot and will never take the steps to improve their situation. Honestly, it’s hard not to place blame but deep down something is just not alright in her anymore.
Again, I’ll state that I’ve made mistakes. I’ve not handled everything to the best of my ability. I’ve neglected to put things into perspective before it got out of control. But it takes two people to commit and make it work.
Fuzzie
Just got a chance to watch that video. I don’t know what to say other than WTF. Some things are just beyond me.
Fuzzie
Loved the beaver video. Love being reminded that the world is full of really stupid people. But please do not gauge Canadians by anything out of Toronto. We look at it in the sense of there is Canadian and then there is Toronto. Two different worlds.
But its WORK.
Its HARD
It means I’m Not PERFECT!
Linny,
Wasn’t that Girls und Panzer video fun? Granted there is a lot of weirdness, but it is fun.
As for Toronto, that town has quite a reputation in the manosphere. A year before his ill fated world lecture tour, Roosh took a reconnaissance trip to check out the night life. He said that his time would have been better spent in his room with a good book. The year before, his forum went to fourteen pages of laments about Toronto and the women there.
I think that A Dad’s comments should be kept and put under the noses of women that complain about men. This is what is happening to men who want to be good husbands and fathers. They are being put off marriage for life and men who are seeing and hearing about this are being put off too. There is nothing he can do to turn his wife around. She is going to wreck her marriage to salve her ego by maintaining control.
This is for Linny. I have to do something to make amends for the last video, a stain on the honor (honour) of Canada.
A dad, you are always welcome to vent or ask questions here, even if off topic. Many here have been in your shoes and can offer a sounding board.
Agreed, Stephanie. Sadly too often true. 😦
Fuzzie
Thank you. I remember that show. Don’t remember any kissing though.
I even guessed that it was the Musical Ride guys. Don’t see Mounties in their red very often except for that and maybe at the parliament buildings in Ottawa. Here in Ontario we don’t see RCMP hardly ever.
The song was nice but for some reason it made me think of Horseman. I don’t think he is in Alberta but I could be wrong.
And I enjoyed the cameos. They were neat.
It definitely beat out the other two videos by a long shot.
Linny,
That was a great show. He never got to do much kissing, but all the girls were after him. Glad that you liked it.
A strong person changes themselves a weak person fails at changing others.
DJ
That is so profound and is a good summation.
Getting back to the original post, conventional wisdom wants men to make all the compromises and accommodations, to the point of supplication, because women are seen to be socially and morally superior. We know this will backfire on the man. To add to that, given these widespread social perceptions, why should the women make any effort? With this, we are up a creek.
Fuzzie
I don’t see conventional wisdom wanting the compromises or accommodations, I see feminism as wanting theses things and yes, they want them from the men. But I do not equate feminism with wisdom in any way, shape or form.
You are right in that these things will not improve any relationship. It does not matter whether it is women or men making compromises or accommodations, these things are like sweeping the problem under the carpet. And hiding problems will just make it so that no problem ever gets resolved. If you cannot resolve the problems then you cannot maintain the relationship, at least, not in a conventional way.
Perhaps because I am older (notice I used older rather than old lol) I get to sit on the sidelines and observe. And what I am seeing is a lot of women who think they are special snowflakes but at the same time I am seeing many men who consider themselves to be special snowflakes. I think that the special snowflake syndrome has no gender boundaries.
I think we need to get rid of the *I am special* attitude. How to do that – I have no idea.
Linny,
Maybe I have spent too much time in this little corner of the internet. I am all too ready to believe the worst in women. Then again, for most of my life. I was too ready to believe the best.
I see the OP as a suggestion that each and everyone of us summons up the courage to take a look inside of our self, looking for personal flaws.
Anyone and everyone can give you a list of external flaws, too tall/short, too fat/thin, too old/young and on and on. This sort of list is easy for most people.
What is very hard is to look inside and admit to having any flaws there at all. We like to think that on the inside we are perfect. If we show something that does not look perfect such being quick to anger, rather admit to that we prefer to project the blame for that anger onto the person we directed that anger at. Therefore we would not be quick to anger if that other person would just change their attitude. So we do not have a flaw, the other person does.
I am as guilty as anyone else for not wanting to look inside because first I don’t want to find any flaws and second if I find any I know it is going to take work and probably a lot of work to correct those flaws.
As I said in the above post we all seem to have the *I am special* attitude. We can hardly escape this. We are told this from the time we are babies and it continues throughout our lives one way or another. All of society has this attitude about ourselves but do not want to project that attitude toward other people. No, other people are flawed in our view and they do not deserve any extra consideration, only we do.
I think if each person were to give our own flaws at least a little consideration with the focus on improvement in those areas that we could become a little happier as an individual. And happy people are more likely to have happier relationships.
But that is just my theory..
Fuzzie
When I worked it was with about 98% women so I too have a tendency to think the worst when it comes to women.
And it makes me sad to have to admit to that.
The trend toward one-child families has probably tended to increase the “I am special” syndrome.
That said, I think we *do* want people to view themselves as Special in the sense that they are not excessively swayed by conformity, not pulled down by the crabs-in-a-bucket syndrome, etc. What we *don’t* want is for people to view themselves as special in the sense of entitlement.
Linny,
I don’t know. From what I see, men and boys come in for a lot of criticism. That is not likely to result in an inflated ego.
David
Do you not think that it would be better to teach that we are all individuals and therefore unique? And that we should work at holding onto that rather than allowing ourselves to be influenced by conformity.
I think that it is natural for people to choose to conform, to be part of a larger something rather than stand out as being different. Even those who want to appear different often choose to join groups that identify with *different* such as Goth or whatever. There is comfort in conformity and we all like to be comfortable.
Wanting to be special is in a sense a type of conformity rather than a type of individuality. The word special has always been connected to the concept of entitlement. If you are special then you should be treated in a certain way or given what you desire or whatever it is you feel you are entitled to. So the idea that every person is special is just adding fuel to the fire. You know, like everyone gets a ribbon for participation.
Perhaps it is time to start teaching that each individual is unique and that no one is really special. That way when we run across someone who we consider to be special we will have a special person in our lives and appreciate that person.
Linny…useful distinction between ‘unique’ and ‘special’
Fuzzie
You are right to an extent. But from my position on the sidelines I notice that the women being discussed are either feminists or top tier women. There are lots of average and below average women who receive criticism or even worse they are not even acknowledged as existing.
If you ever get the urge to do something nice for absolutely no reason smile at an ugly woman as you pass her by on the street. That will make her day if not her week.
And women you can do the same for an ugly guy.
Spread a little happiness, smiles are free.
Linny,
There is also offering candy.
If by special you mean no one can control me unless I let them. God picked me for such a time as this. Then yea.
If you mean everyone should think of me and accommodate me without expectation because I am special. Then no.
RPG,
It has been over a week since you posted here. Is everything all right?
RPG,
Just saw your comment over at Spawny’s and wanted to leave this here. It’s good to hear that all is well and that the business is is keeping you too busy to check in. All is well and that’s all I wanted to know.
Thanks for posting that Fuzzie. I too was starting to wonder.
BTW RPG that commercial took me by surprise.
Linny,
You are welcome. RPG has a small fan club going.
Sorry to not be tuned in here, guys! I will get a new post up soon!
RPG.
Sunshine Mary used to have a very busy blog. She would post every other day and often get more than five hundred comments. Once, she didn’t check in for forty eight hours. I shared my concerns with Farm Boy and then threatened to link a series of videos with bears crying. Within an hour, she commented, “Thou shalt not post videos of crying bears!” I never had to post one and we got the response we needed.
Here is the video she missed. It’s fine for little kids to see.
Lok Fuzzie, is that a double dog dare? 😉 Done!
The bear, The Farm Boy, The Ton, dear Liz (soon to return I hope!), and many others here have watched me go from choking on the initial red pill to where I am today! Old friends who have taught me much!
thanks for checking in ms bloom … we (your audience) were getting worried !!!
Here’s another. Kids will love this one.
My only question, how do the mama and baby bear know they belong to each other?
Sorry to worry you! Here’s an article to discuss until I can get a new post up, it’s even stupider than the headline suggests!!! Sadly. Lol. http://www.wcti12.com/news/irresistible/texas-may-fine-men-100-for-masturbation/394371875
RPG,
While she meant it to be a joke, I don’t think anyone should be laughing. This is what happens when feminists are elected. They set out to trample the civil rights of half the population. They hold that half in contempt and demonstrably hate them. This is a worldwide phenomenon. I think that she should be censured and then recalled. There is also the matter of the feminist legislator in Kentucky who did something similar last week.
I just realized, that in the whole of the English speaking world, the only legislator speaking up for men is Philip Davies in England. For the rest of us, feminists have the whole platform.
Where I live there are already laws against masturbation. But to be charged you must do it in public or where the public can see you. Our laws pertain to both men and women.
The woman should have to reimburse the legislature for the time wasted on her *joke*. And any man who votes for her in the future should have his man-card revoked. And any woman who votes for her should be considered a fool and lose her right to vote.
Linny,
You have hit on it. That is precisely why feminists should not be elected. There is no way they can even begin to represent the interests of men. And. they are out to make a complete mess of things for women.
Linny,
I had occasion to link this at Spawny’s. I think you are due for another one. It’s a lot of fun and the editing is brilliant. Remember don’t ask questions,just take it in.
Okay, Fuzzie.
No questions. But you realize that it is a case of I don’t understand enough to figure out which questions to ask.
Fuzzie … speaking of crazed Feminists … I think this is a new low … disgusting does not due it justice …
https://www.lifesitenews.com/news/feminist-dressed-as-virgin-mary-pretends-to-abort-jesus-in-front-of-cathedr
Jiminey Christmas, Mega!
Argentinian feminists have been way over the top for a while, but this takes the cake. Take some consolation in that they are doing their cause more harm by alienating moderate women. In America, only eighteen percent of women identify as feminist. In Britain, it is only seven percent. However, as they lose popularity and the moderates withdraw, the radicals and crazies will be left.
Here is what they were up to in 2013.
‘I have had one woman tell me that, “She’ll try AFTER he fixes all his stuff first.”’
The concept sounds familiar to me. In my case, after telling my wife I was trying as hard as I could to make things better, I asked her if she was trying. The reply: “Not really”.