Women today are more likely told to put themselves first, than to put themselves last. But personally, I think some more of the latter is good advice, too.
Allow me to explain. The female mind already leans toward solipsism, which while part of the way things were designed to work, it can be too much if not balanced with an awareness of others.
Consider women in your life who are living the “Put yourself first” motto to the extreme, not good, right? Such women are often a neurotic, self-absorbed, hot mess who thinks only of herself. Such women are also often very unhappy and constantly seeking more of “something.”
Now granted, there are other women who lean the opposite, who really do need to stop being a doormat, being so selfless they are a passive aggressive, resentful, wreck. This post is not for them.
Obviously the middle is the sweet spot. But in today’s “you go grrrul” world (possibly in overreaction to the former doormat model promoted in generations past) it seems to me most women now reside in the “me, me, me!” camp. Why? Because society encourages it.
But rather than that path leading to balance, harmony, and happiness, women today seem less “centered” than ever.
So, sister, take the “you first” advice with a grain of salt. As they say, everything in moderation. Perhaps the sweet spot is somewhere in the middle, finding fulfillment and happiness serving others and also carving out some time for yourself. Rotate between putting yourself and others first, as the situation calls for.
Because too much of anything is just too much!
Let those who have ears hear.
What do you think? Please share in the comments!
Notes From a Red Pill Girl 
Neurotic hot messes typically don’t attract successful discerning fellas
I don’t think that anyone can have a meaningful relationship (marriage, dating, even work) by putting themselves first 100% of the time. That said, I put my family first for years and it didn’t save my marriage. It made me weak, frustrated, and tired. Nobody will value you if you show little value in yourself. Even though she criticized me over many years for doing my own things, the result was worse when I’d stopped.
There is a certain level of self indulgence that might be necessary to maintain a quality of life that’s necessary to excel at other things, including relationships. But it’s all balance. There is a fine line between being exceptional and going overboard.
But you are right. There seems to be a push to encourage women to do only what they want for themselves, and men are shamed into doing only what women want. I see it as a double standard and I now reject it.
I’ve got a fair bit of free time right now, and it’s pretty liberating. I can focus on mind, body, and relax or enjoy personal hobbies. I’ve stayed up late and slept in for several days in a row. It’s temporary while I get used to my new freedoms. But when my son is around, I have to focus on putting him first, most of the time. Amazing though how much easier life is for a man when he only has to put someone else first about 50% of the time rather than 150% because someone else isn’t really helping at all. No nagging. No wore walking on eggshells. Absolute quiet. Lots of free time.
It’s okay to put yourself first sometimes. If you do it all of the time, or never do it at all, don’t expect to have any meaningful relationships with someone else.
“Neurotic hot messes typically don’t attract successful discerning fellas”
Sure they do. Until the next day.
Or perhaps many women don’t care about the fella they attract as long as she gets the tingles. Often this is with the male version of a hot mess
The female mind already leans toward solipsism, which while part of the way things were designed to work, it can be too much if not balanced with an awareness of others.
Related
https://spawnyspace.wordpress.com/2017/06/28/the-oppression-of-being-nice/
Tingles are all that matter. That’s “looooove”.
If men want a “successful relationship” they better put themselevs 1st 90+ percent of the time
Interesting Ton, perhaps another example of projection on the part of women? Women acting like men?
Men often put themselves first as a matter of self-defense in a world that is rigged against them. This is not necessarily their default state
Guessed it in one
Women crave leadership etc which is about a mission bigger then her and the kids. They want to be at a man’s feet not side by side, shoulder to shoulder. That’s how men interact with each other not how women and men groove
Betas get fucked over becuase they put women and kids 1st, which dries out the vag with the often discussed unpleasant results
Ton isn’t wrong. That’s why a lot of guys end up in places like this. To be a man who is “red pilled” often means that you are faced with seeing the truth after dealing with the repercussions of believing a lot of lies. I don’t believe the lies anymore.
I’m pouring another snifter of rum and listening to a commentary from Warren Farrell.
That said, even “alphas” like “Hercules” have failed marriages. I’m not sure that everything is quite as simple as some might believe it to be.
Is a fella putting “his mission first” become “putting himself first”? Even when his mission may benefit others?
Farm Boy – Many of my hobbies have always lead to me paying the bills, so you have a point.
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@ a dad, Hercules marriage ended for opposite reasons than beta marriages fail. But true, it didn’t work for him either. I should write a post about that…
Some Alphas are not at all geared toward provision, let’s just say that’s the short version.
Hence the Alpha/beta conundrum. Women want both, but it doesn’t work that way very often!
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RPG,
I have my doubts that “Hercules” is either A: Larger than me (I’m taller), or B: Stronger than me. C: Maybe not even “better looking”. He might have plenty of beach muscle. Just making assumptions. But I am about the size of Wladimir Klitschko and try to fight the same way with limited success. I spent too many years not recognizing my full potential and I’m on the path to change that.
That said, it doesn’t even matter, because those things may not even be what makes a man attractive to a woman.
What makes him “alpha” is in his head. That means more than genetics ever will. “Alpha and beta” are mindsets, and not necessarily physical attributes. Good genetics certainly don’t hurt.
The dysfunction with Venus goes a bit beyond “red pill”. “Hercules” and “Zeus” remind me a bit of my father. He is a big and powerful man with a history of bad relationships with volatile women (including my mother). Always unreliable, and did only what he wanted to do. He’s the same way now into his senior years. My brother and I can’t even get him to respond to calls or text because he’s so self-absorbed. Who knows if I’ve got other bastard siblings. He claims to have been with like 100 women. Modern “betas” end up “beta” because they are raised by single mothers. My brother and I grew up without male role models, because that was the standard back then. You’d get to see your father every other weekend.
Even Hercules agreed to an “open” relationship with Venus, based upon one of the older posts. That’s crazy to me. Not sure how he could ever agree to that. Maybe she was more trouble than she was worth.
@ a dad, Hercules works a trade that is very physically demanding, so that keeps him muscular. Or works when he wants to work, anyway. He’s too confident perhaps, as he doesn’t often get repeat customers due to his not doing what he committed to.
The open relationship story is too long to tell here but would be a good post! Stay tuned on that.
Always tend toward to much asshole/ alpha/ jerk etc then too much beta so a man should put himself and his mission 1st way more often then not. That it helps others is neutral but don’t let it help her all that often.
He agreed to it becuase 1) Venus isn’t shit to him 2) knows she is unlikely to exercise her options because he is her apex alpha 3) some combination of each
Narcissists will always put themselves first. That is part of what makes them narcissists. Call them on it and get ready to hear them screech. After that, all you can do is hold a mirror up to them and hope that they leave in time.
A Dad,
I would be careful throwing around the words alpha and beta. What seems to separate the two is a sense of conscience. This is borne out by the fact that women go for men with Dark Triad traits, narcissism, Machiavellianism, and psychopathy.
Off topic, but related to male/female dynamics:
http://www.msn.com/en-us/news/crime/ryan-poston-murder-why-did-shayna-hubers-shoot-her-boyfriend-six-times/ar-BBEuAQs?li=BBmkt5R&ocid=spartandhp#image=1
I want to say I feel sorry for this dead guy, but I don’t for a couple reasons. One, he was lawyer. I don’t like lawyers. Two, he was very irresponsible in keeping his firearms out in the open of his apartment displaying bad judgement about who sees what he has and does not. Three, instead of pumping and dumping/one and done this crazy bitch, he kept going back to her or he let her continue coming back to him.
The cynic in me says this woman gets the pussy pass. Funny how comments are disabled for the article.
RPG,
Sounds exactly like my father, who worked seasonal labor for his entire life. Had his own “business” sometimes and also burnt a lot of bridges. I can’t complain, because I learned a lot from him even though my line of work is entirely different. He did teach me a lot of valuable things. I just wish that he weren’t such a self-centered asshole.
Fuzzie,
I don’t believe a lot of what the “red pill” community regurgitates. There are some valuable life lessons in the “Manosphere” (like advice to become a better man through physical and mental pursuits), but there is also a lot of bad advice as well (like silly PUA discussions). Dark Triad behavior is often discussed on TRP, but so much of its characteristics have become commonplace among the masses. Narcissism especially. Lots of low-value weirdos that somehow think that they are special.
I’m just looking for a lot of answers for the following reasons:
1. I have at least half of my life left to live in any way that I see fit.
2. I am obligated to give my son the skills needed to succeed even in ways that I could not in a world that seeks to destroy him. I think he’s already got a better chance than some because he’s had both of his parents since he was born, and will have access to both going forward. He’s got a pretty good mother even though she was a shitty wife. As long as she keeps doing at least as well as she has, I don’t have too many concerns.
GLA,
I read the whole article. It was long. The murder happened in Fall 2012 and was tried in 2015. While I expected her to get a pass, she didn’t. She was convicted of murder and got forty years, parole after twenty. However, there is going to be a new trial. One of the jurors failed to disclose that he/she was a felon.
A Dad,
Good. There are too many people promoting the Red Pill as Gospel.
On the front page of MSN, take a look at the thumbnail pic of the article. You can literally see the crazy in her eyes and a look of quiet despair in his.
When I said I think she gets the V-pass, I was referring to the retrial.
Fuzzie – To be honest, a lot of what is on TRP is sometimes laughable. Not all of it. Not denying the existence of some of the lies out there. But some of it is indeed laughable.
Moral of the story I guess is, looking for love online is generally a bad idea.
GLA,
I hope not. Basically, this is an example of hypergamy having gone very wrong. I have to wonder when the public will lose patience with lenient judges?
A Dad,
What all this reminds me of is mechanical models of the solar system based on a geocentric model. They kept adding complications. Heliocentric is much better.
” I have to wonder when the public will lose patience with lenient judges?”
I seriously doubt we will ever live to see that day short of some sort of apocalyptic event.
Though approve of their lifestyle I do not.
Much of what PUAs say works it does
Larger truths come from this they do
GLA,
There will be some event that will capture the public’s attention and will Force a change. It does seem to go that way eventually with most things.
Yoda,
Maybe the answers they have work for them and for their applications, but they do not answer everything. There are a lot of holes inn Red Pill Theory.
True, the red pill is an evolving discussion, although I think much of it is old wisdom that while not 100% perfect, worked 90% of the time. Unfortunately the 10% who it did not (possibly due to their own bad boy tingles choices?) extrapolated their experience as a universal experience, and from there blue pill advice and ideas followed. Are some guys abusive jerks? Sure. But that does not mean all or even most guys are. But to those who pushed the narrative, ALL were guilty, all were that. And today, that is the narrative. And the reality is and always has been the exception is not the norm.
Once I read an essay by a very upper class woman, born into 1% wealth, and in it among other things (like whining about how hard she had it, lol) she admitted that it was folks like herself that fostered feminist thinking onto the masses, not bc they cared about the plight of lower class women, but bc they needed childcare so THEY could be unencumbered, and the “pesky” men in those women’s lives didn’t support their women working 12+ hour days, putting their own kids in substandard daycare to do so. Thus, the “controlling man” narrative was born. Not to help the lower class women, although it was sold as such, but bc trust fund moms needed 24 hour on call, few options, no man interfering childcare and housekeeping! Talk about messed up!!!
I’ll try to find that essay, the gal was moaning in it initially bc she had to change sheets for the FIRST time in her life!!! The rest was just complaining that gave unintended insight into her life and mindset. I’ll have to find it and do a post…
Bottom line, those who fostered feminism did so at the destruction of working class families and women and children and men for THEIR own gain. They didn’t really care about the impact, so long as they didn’t have to change sheets or miss their social schedule!
Really sick when you think about it…
excellent post, Bloom.
i’ll use this to put in a little plug for parents of special needs kids. people would tell me i needed to take care of me (especially the four years i was a single mom), but when you have a special needs child, you often can NOT leave them at all or for any length of time unless there is someone who has taken the time to invest in that child’s life to the point they are safe with one another.
so … if you know someone who has a special needs child, and you are able to, take the time to really get to know the kid, their needs, their abilities and disabilities. and then graciously GIFT the parents a break. do not expect anything in return, especially not money. sped parents spend a ton of money on their kids, and they KNOW their child is a ton of work. they KNOW they cannot afford to pay someone to care for their child well. so simply gift them your time.
if you can’t for any reason care for the child alone, there are tons of other ways you can help give the parents a break. you can keep their neurotypical child(ren) … you can bring them meals from time-to-time (NO strings attached) – just check on food restrictions first as many sped kids have quite severe food allergies/limitations for various reasons. you can help clean their house, help with laundry, bring parents a little pamper-me gift (you’d need to know the parents to know what they’d like). be creative.
other than school, which was required (and almost caused more problems than was worth it, but i didn’t have a choice), i had no breaks from her. i wasn’t able to ever take even an evening off. she didn’t sleep well for years, so it was like having a newborn till she was well into her elementary years. etc, etc, etc.
bottom line … it’s a ton of work, most of which we can’t even articulate b/c the mental work is hard to describe. and often when people did help, they had the mentality of those with neurotypical only kids – that you ‘swap’ time and ‘help’ that you give to one another. parents of sped kids often can NOT reciprocate what is given to them, so often we don’t ask b/c we know we can’t help you, too.
oops … this was longer than intended!
anyway … if you can … GIFT your time in some way to a parent of a sped child. you cannot imagine how HUGE that will be for them 🙂
– – – – –
(btw – my Sped-Girl is 17 now and (relatively) quite independent. she still needs a lot of me, including my presence, but i am able to care for myself in ways i never was able to when she was younger 🙂 ).
RPG,
I can see that. My mother could be described as such. It is odd how women will only compare their lot to that of apex men. That continues.
Still, there are holes big enough in Red Pill Theory to drive a Mack Truck through.
RPG,
My wife and son never needed anything. She never had to work. He never had to go to daycare. It was never enough. There were some limits to keep things in balance but she always saw it as controlling when I kept her from destroying herself by mismanaging money. Now she’s going to have to work all of the time to barely make ends meet and it’s going to be nearly impossible for her when the alimony runs out, unless she marries or moves in with someone else.
What you post in this blog is totally right, about how people nuke their family for personal gain. The sad truth is that she really gains nothing in the end, and she sets us back a few years because I have to pay for her rent rather than save for my son’s college or our retirement.
Yeah. That’s my “red pill”. Because a lot of people are going through the same thing and were lied to. “Till death do us part”… Or no-fault frivorce. This is how many of us ended up here. But I have my doubts that there is any real thing that could have changed this outside of widespread economic hardship. TRP promotes concepts that probably are not valuable for the average person. Because no amount of being “a man” can really keep a woman from taking a man’s money when the state is involved. If TRP is right about anything, for men, it’s that LTRs are dangerous and marriage is a contract that benefits only women. You recognize it. But I think that you see it from a different perspective, as a woman who’s had to work make it on her own to support two children.
We know that the only things that would change this for the majority are; Economic need to remain married for the sake of survival, shaming en masse for breaking up the family, etc. Not any of that is likely to happen. I was listening to that Warren Farrell interview today and he said that it would take a big recession / depression to change the dynamics of modern relationships. I think that he is correct. The roles that were required for survival are now dysfunctional.
Jesus, spilled the guts to the GF tonight. No more walls. Usually shit happens when men speak the truth. Signs of weakness and all. Seemed to go pretty well, though. Hoping for the best. Who knows … maybe we’ll end up getting married. Or maybe she’ll dump me tomorrow when she digests it. Its what men have to deal with. She got my back ???? Most women fail. GF has been great so far. Nope it continues. Reality says most women fuck over men and don’t give a shit. Hope my winning the lottery streak continues ….
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Mega,
She does seem to like you well enough.
Mega, be careful about that spilling your guts to the gf stuff. Depends of course what you said and in what context, but women and men speak such different languages, so to speak, things can easily get misunderstood or taken the wrong way…
Several years ago, for example, I dated someone who I didn’t realize it until after, but who had been following a game blog. One evening he “spilled his guts” to me about a red pillish awalt type thought, but I completely did not understand and it wasn’t long after I broke it off. Now not saying your gf will do the same by any means, but had he not said it (something about how men and women love differently and he could never love the same again after knowing that, or something along those lines) it would have been better. Looking back now I get it, but then it freaked me out. Ironically it was his behavior and some of the game stuff he was doing that led me to search the Internet one night and find the manosphere, and learn all this, after we broke up, but his outburst that night, was the beginning of the end of us.
Stoic is better. When it comes to women. Not that a guy can’t go there, but maybe one of the guys could explain this better…
Hopefully your gf understands better than I did at that time!
Looking back on it now I think he was trying to say he loved me but was afraid to, what I heard at the time was “I’ll never love you or any woman.” Major miscommunication. He was nearly in tears, I freaked. Not good…
Just beware, that’s what I am trying to say!
I feel very bad now, really really bad, realizing this. I just did NOT get what he was trying to say then…
@ a dad, I wonder if your ex had what I call “sham syndrome?” I have a friend, stay at home mom, I am seeing this in now, and I have seen it in others. I’ll write a post to explain it more, but often sham are among the least happy of women, which is hard to understand, but I have some theories… I’ll write that up soon…
Also Mega, more on this guy, his mom was divorced, raised him in a very feminist way, like took him to Vagina Monologs, etc. and that had messed his thinking up a lot, very complex relationship w his mom. I think what he was saying, also, that night was he had been raised to be blue pill, beta, whatever term one uses, and it had backfired big time, so he was determined not to make those mistakes… I just didn’t get it at the time, but like I said looking back now I totally do and I feel really bad for taking it so personal instead of understanding… fail. On my part!
@ gla that story is truly disturbing!
In other depressing news… the red pill confirmed, again! I guess being rich doesn’t make one smart? http://www.returnofkings.com/125866/billionaires-daughter-proves-that-crime-pays-by-dumping-nice-guy-for-sexy-gang-banger
Thanks ms bloom. That was exactly the kind of reaction that I was worried about. And you just confirmed that my fears are legit. Guess we shall see how it all turns out … over time of course.
Mega,
She likes you. A LOT!
RPG,
I read it. It is depressing. There is no way for men who would be good husbands an fathers to compete. It is pretty depraved.
Mega, hopefully all goes well! I wish I had been able to understand better at the time, like I said I truly regret my response. I was so solidly blue pill at the time I had no idea what he was saying. Sadly. Hopefully your outcome will be different! Keep us posted…
Best to spill beans in small increments it is.
Look at how terse I am you could
“But some of it is indeed laughable.”
Woohoo how’s that blue pill/ purple pill working out for you
A dad, is there any chance you could either a) get the ex in line and proceed forward red pill style or b) get custody of your son? The reason I say so is while you may be enjoying the time to yourself now, your son is at risk of being dragged thru a whole string of failed relationships and drama ahead at the hands of your ex. I don’t know the situation but if she’s at all what she sounds, your every other weekend influence won’t be nearly enough to compensate for what she’s likely to do to him. Sadly 😦 I hate to be a downer, but the stats for boys raised by single moms are not good… future boyfriends likely won’t be so fatherly. It’s a bad scene. Best avoided if possible…
Or in other words, if she wants to leave your family, let her. But not w your son.
Ton,
I suspect that’s supposed to be an attempt at sarcasm. I’m not even going here with you. You believe in what you wish. If I start posting in your backwoods blog space then maybe you can school me in your red pill ways as we hash out the details.
A dad, I think what Ton is saying is that while there’s a lot people wish weren’t true about the red pill, that doesn’t make it not true. The longer I have learned about it, the more I see it’s so. We live in a feral society, all restraints are off, and the result is people acting on their basest natures. 😦
RPG,
My son isn’t being raised by a single mom. He’s with me more than 50% of the time. When the time comes, it’ll be closer to 100%.
And again sorry if I am overstepping but especially if your wife may be BPD do NOT let her get custody if there is any way you can fight it.
My advice would be to start having him as much as possible, to establish “primary parenthood” now. Maybe she will even agree to it, if you frame it like you are taking the load off her or doing it for her. Of course wo primary custody she won’t get the child support to fund this new life, so she may fight that. Document *everything.* get a good lawyer. See if you can get the BPD diagnosis officially established. You are literally in the fight for your child’s life and future.
Good, glad to hear that! Well done!
And sorry if I overstepped, just concern! 🙂
RPG,
I am not saying that I wish it weren’t true. I’m glad that I know it is true. I’m saying that I find a lot of it laughable because the culture is diluted with weak fools and with something to prove, and a lot of articles / commentary that were written by people with no real experience in life.
Frankly, I don’t care what is really true as long as the kid learns how to survive. Me? I’ve got everything I need in life.
I don’t like a lot of the pua stuff, game, etc. but there is truth to it working, as sad as that is! So I get it… I am hoping for an awakening before it totally collapses but we’ll see. Meanwhile I just do my thing and try to teach my girls different, it’s really all one can do!
I don’t disagree that the PUA stuff doesn’t work. I just think it’s funny. Lots of low-value guys resorting to extremes to pick up low-value trashy women. Never in my life did I need to use PUA tactics to get laid, and I doubt that I would now. I’m out of the “game”, but I’m not so lacking in confidence with myself that I feel the need to follow the PUA stuff. My red pill isn’t even about that. It’s about dynamics of the family, its breakdown, decline of traditional family values, etc., and the forces that perpetuate this mess.
I don’t think that you overstepped the discussion on custody, etc., but there is a lot that I’m not discussing yet since it’s still in progress and nothing is truly anonymous anymore. All I can say is that I’ve locked down time with my son, with a bit of a fight but overall it went well, and that I expect it to be even better going forward. There are more steps to the process but it all doesn’t happen overnight.
Yes good not to talk too much while it’s being sorted out and again, glad to hear you have it under control! Well done.
I have a friend I call “Red.” His ex frivorce him, soon after shacked up w her fitness trainer. He’s horrible to Red’s two kids, and she just allows it. It’s been so sad to watch the impact on them, and Red didn’t really understand at the time, now he feels helpless as it’s all stacked in her favor. I am glad to hear your son will not experience this. No kid should! 😦
So your high value ex wife dumped you because all the offers of ramdom sex from other random high value girls during your marraige made you to high value for her?
Got it.
Whatever gets you through the day to pick up trailer trash on your Harley, bro. I’m glad it works for you.
LOL so beta predictable.
Would you make me alpha if I argue with you on RPG’s blog? I’m done with you.
Hey guys, can we agree to disagree? Enough to fight in the world wo fighting here. Thanks! 🙂
Only you can make you alpha, sparky
A new post at Spawny’s there is
https://spawnyspace.wordpress.com/2017/07/18/red-pill-blue-pill/
And I thought it was just me.
“If men want a “successful relationship” they better put themselevs 1st 90+ percent of the time”
Exactly. And that is why men decide for themselves what is and what is important for themselves, which may be what you call “beta behavior”. But, for that particular man, it is how they are putting themselves first. In the end, it’s not for you to decide.