Have you ever noticed, stay at home moms can be some of the unhappiest people around? I didn’t pick up on this until after I was a mom myself, working from home but not stay at home.
Here are three real life examples of what I see:
Case #1: SIW, married post 40 to a chemical engineer. Likely Alpha widow, as she often speaks of a prior long term boyfriend that did not lead to marriage. About a year after marriage, she became unexpectedly pregnant. Based on their ages, they had assumed it wasn’t possible. She was miserable, browbeat her husband, slept most of the day, no longer bothered to do her hair or make up. Rarely had sex. Resented not having “her own money.” Talked constantly of divorce, and “being on her own again.” Luckily the son is now in school and things are improving.
Case #2: This SAHM started young, shortly out of high school. Has four children, spread out over 12 years. Has a beautiful home and lots of friends. Husband and father of the two youngest works laborer jobs. Constant complaining about her life and marriage. Little to no hobbies or activities of her own beyond house are and cooking. Cranky and quarrelsome. Overweight. Talked almost non stop about frivorce. Bragged about withholding sex as a way to punish husband. The youngest is now in school and luckily she saw a doctor who prescribed Wellbutrin. Within a month the obsessive, circular, negative thoughts stopped, she started a home based hobby business, and joined weight watchers. Today she’s looking great, down 25 pounds, and I have not heard her complain about her spouse or marriage for months. Yay!
Case #3: Also married later, early 30’s. Tried to have a baby but wasn’t conceiving. Several years of infertility treatment later they have a little boy. Husband is a project manager for a large construction company. Again she’s at home most of the time, little or no hobbies. As I have seen before w infertility, this mom seems to feel a lot of pressure that every moment should be a blissful, precious, gift. But when it’s not, when it’s normal kid life, she feels like a failure, let down. Her entire life and schedule revolves around the son, and he’s getting old enough now to use it as a manipulation tool. Helicopter parent. Son sleeps in bed w parents, (between parents!), mom spends two hours a night coaxing son to sleep. Reports little or no romance w her husband. She is getting increasingly unhappy, starting to talk badly of her husband, resents him. She’s clearly unhappy, and I am worried by what I see. Today we are going to look at a fantastic preschool where my kids went (her son is 2) and I am encouraging her to not by a myrtar, it’s ok to have some self time! Hopefully it will help.
It’s not always easy having young kids, especially under the age of five. I think for SAHM it can be difficult to not fall into a negative unhappy space. And I think society gives little support to them, thinking they have it “easy.” Many times SAHM will frivorce around the age their youngest enters school, if she doesn’t get her internal struggle sorted out.
Its not the kids. It’s not the spouse. It’s what these gals allow their lives and thoughts and behavior to become. Don’t go there. If life isn’t to one’s liking, it is one’s own responsibility to do or be different. Put the kids in preschool, arrange babysitter swaps w friends for “mommy days” or date nights. Nurture your marriage. Do not become only about the kids. Don’t co-sleep (bc you won’t get any sleep for YEARS), don’t helicopter parent. Plan small day trips just to get out of the house. Do your hair and makeup and dress each morning, you’ll feel much better. Know while it feels never ending in the early years, kids grow up fast. The best thing you can give your child is a healthy, happy mom. Find her within!
What do you think? Please share in the comments.