The other day a gal was going on and on about being broke, then revealed her hubby was trying to help her but bragged she was “too independent” to accept his financial help.
What???
I was flabbergasted. And I know this idea is by no means uncommon, but as someone who has done it alone for so long, I could not grasp why on earth someone would choose to have a negative bank account balance when they don’t have to? Why would she take such a stand? Why not be two people rowing one boat? Why not depend on your man? (Depend does not equal drain, btw.)
Independance is overrated, imho.
Thoughts? Please share in the comments.
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Quiet as Degoba here it is
lol Yoda!
What about Mrs. Yoda? Is she independent?
Victim mentality. It’s good for validation.
True re validation. I guess from me she got the opposite. She looked shocked when I replied, “What??? Why wouldn’t you let your husband help you? Don’t be silly!” Lol. She didn’t want to talk about it anymore 😉
My 2 cts.
She is scared things won’t work out, and she want’s walking away space. Because, it seems to me, that once a person admits they need/depend on someone else it can evoke feelings of desperation and loneliness.
A whole lot of what-ifs impose themselves upon such a mind. It can be especially hard to handle if one is not secure in their relationship.
I’m speaking from the perspective of a SADH who has lived on his wife’s income for almost a quarter of a century.
I’ll bet 100% of her annual income she’s lying. I lose if her husband doesn’t subsidize every aspect of her “independent” capital purchases and supporting outlays (house, furniture, car, insurance, retirement). She probably doesn’t have enough money for fancy shoes and spa treatments.
Also, it’s a great set-up for when she walks: “My husband abused me financially and I never had any money, so I finally I realized there was no benefit in staying married.”
You know how to know if she’s lying? She gave her engagement ring back to her husband and said, “I didn’t buy you one, so this isn’t fair.”
To be fair, she may not know she’s lying because she thinks she’s still a teenager, and that somebody else is *supposed* to subsidize every significant purchase and infrastructure need in her life. It’s a short walk from “I’m financially illiterate” to “I’m always broke even though I share expenses 50/50 with another human.”
I’ve known a lot of loser men, alas, but I never met one who shared expenses with another person and said, “I can’t make it financially.”
Yeah, she didn’t want to talk about it because she can’t talk about beyond, “I’m a strong independent woman and being married I’m always broke.” Can’t wait for the article in Marie Claire.
+1 to BuenaVista
Society has broken marriage down into a legal contract that specifies exclusivity in 3 things.
1. Emotional support
2. Sexual availability
3. Financial security
Only 2 are are legally enforced. For the third one party is always at the mercy of the other.
“I could not grasp why on earth someone would choose to have a negative bank account balance when they don’t have to? Why would she take such a stand? Why not be two people rowing one boat? Why not depend on your man?”
hmmmm…just a wild guess now…..maybe she’s stupid?
“The other day a gal was going on and on about being broke, then revealed her hubby was trying to help her but bragged she was “too independent” to accept his financial help.”
Bloom, most of the time you can shut comments down well before you get to the second tier where “Older Comments” links kick in. Buena Vista had this tagged before you got even to comment #10.
Hubby is paying for her basic necessities. Food, shelter, clothing, medical care, car, work expenses. Everything she NEEDS and much of what she WANTS is paid for. By her HUSBAND.
To a woman, “broke” means “can’t afford the Manolo Blahniks and dinner at Spago”. To a woman, “broke” means “don’t have extra money for the spa this week”.
To me, “broke” means “need to choose between buying groceries and paying the electric bill”. “Broke” means “I’m not sure where our next meal is coming from”. “Broke” means “I don’t have the cash to pay the property taxes, meaning we’ll get a tax lien, meaning some jamoke can buy that lien and thereby OWN OUR HOUSE”.
Your friend is so “dependent” on hubby it’s not even funny.
Women aren’t “broke”.
I’ve known way too many women divorced from their ex husbands who are so “independent”…. because of their makework government jobs and their monthly lifetime alimony checks.
And they’re divorced moms who are so “broke” yet can still afford the smartphone charges, the cigarette cartons, the Tito’s Vodka, the manis/pedis, and the $150 hair treatments.
Suuuuuure.
My wife became independent as well, when she started earning money again. Mainly because I wouldn’t let her spend my money on dumb shit where she refused to make an effort to pay for it. Your friend just isn’t acknowledging the real problem. She’s avoiding dealing with being responsible.
Recognise that this woman is simply refusing to live by his rules for managing the money. Would you do the same, and become resentful, or stand by your Captain?
Ultimately she will rack up a massive debt and will try to make up for some of it in the form of alimony. Mine did.
By the way. Props to everyone above. They all get it. Probably have been through the same dumb shit. Love Deti’s comments on makework government jobs, alimony, spas, because that’s about the truth.
I ain’t got nothin’ to really add to the above other than:
Nothing to add to the brilliance above by all.
Long, slow clap!! Well done all.
Perhaps time for a new post it would be
So mAybe some of you guessed it already, but this is Bob’s wife. And yes, Deti and others saw right thru it.
Btw, I am less and less impressed w bobs wife and more and more impressed w him as days go on, btw. If that matters…
I’m still alive … Deti cuts thru the lies and bs like no other. Some may think its harsh. It isn’t. Its just the truth with the veils pulled back and, yeah, sometimes that’s kinda harsh if you aren’t used to seeing the full light of day. We all good … I’ll continue on my vaca … Labor Day coming up. Nice !!!!
Indeed, she’s delusional w this “broke” stuff! And this “independent” stuff, too. She’s far from independent from what I have seen, despite what she is telling herself. Bob is independent plus carrying her, is more like it…
Also, this gal keeps going on and on about her recent battle w breast cancer. So I pushed on that, asking what stage etc? Not to minimize but it was pre cancer, turns out. Not that the pink ribbons aren’t flying at full mast anyway. Oh vay! Victim mentality all around. I have decided not to work w her, too flakey. Otoh, I would hire Bob in a minute!
RPG – I’d suspect that maybe there are serious problems in their relationship which is causing him to overcompensate, try extra hard to help, etc. Seems like she clearly is fairly manipulative and he’s walking on eggshells to keep her pleased. A lot of women’s sites will say that this is a byproduct of a man trying to save his marriage, pulling all of the weight to keep her content, but usually it’s just that the other person is really selfish (her, in this case).
@a dad, the more I learn about her, the more I suspect you are right. Sad.
Another thing I noticed about this gal is she doesn’t trust anyone and immediately jumps to the worst possible conclusion. Projection?
Yesterday she texted to say she couldn’t come by as planned bc she had to go get her wedding ring she left at a friend’s. An hour and a half away. Odd. I wondered if she was either cheating, or had pawned it? Something doesn’t add up for sure.
RPG – I know because Bob was the “beta” side of me; Pulling all of the weight to keep her content. Bring in the $$$, cook for the kid because mom is always gone at her makework par-time government job (thanks to TheDeti for that one), clean, yard work, care for the animals, work on the house / cars and appliances. She had a play job for her own expenses outside of the necessities, yet still managed to rack up massive debt. It’s a real grind when someone checks out, because they don’t care about anything except for their own interests.
I’ve since learned from these mistakes, and trust me – Got off easy compared to most.
Life is so much easier now.
Uh oh on the wedding ring thing. Sounds like a cheater.
Unfortunately for Bob, I guess that this gives you more potential material for a future story.
I had a tragic loss of my wife but I have found it to be a blessing in disguise. With how women, the courts, society is today I am glad to have found sites like this. I have two daughters I am raising to NOT be like so many women are today. This site is part of my daily reading now..:)
William that means a lot to me, thank you and I am honored! Blush…
Um when do you EVER take off your wedding ring outside the house?
Mine is in one of two places; my nightstand or my finger. The former only when taking a bath.
Duh!
Exactly horseman, exactly… Sketchy!
And why telling you about it she was?
Made up an excuse she might have
Might be she doesn’t want to owe anyone, and she doesn’t want to be thought of as a whore or gold digger. She may be concerned about maintaining her self respect. Maybe she reads RP and is trying to avoid being their stereotypical Female.
Most women who want nothing in return, have checked out of their marriages and offer nothing in return to their spouse.
Will be interesting if RPG has more to this story later.
An RP wife knows that her role is complimentary, not separate, from her husband. If she cannot accept his support, and cannot offer her own, then he is better off without her and she will ultimately get what she is looking for (separation).
Yeah, the wedding ring thing: Happily/contentedly married women don’t remove their wedding rings at a friend’s house and then forget it and leave it there. Something’s afoot there.
Acquaintance of mine is 5 years younger than me, we grew up in the same little town where everybody knows your name (and your address, and what you do, and where you work, and who you screw, and everything else about you)…..
She went to college, got married and moved to Georgia. She had three sons in a decent marriage. Cheated on him, he found out, they got divorced. She got the kids and alimony for a while, but hefty child support. About 7 years out, the alimony had long since run dry, and she’s barely making it on her low paying state job and child support.
She gets pinched for DUI. Oh shit. Can’t drive to her job. No money even to bail out, much less pay a lawyer or the fines.
She has to call her ex husband to bail her out and take the kids. He does both.
So she lost her job because she can’t drive. She can’t support the kids or keep her place with just child support money.
So…. she takes her lumps, loses her DL for 6 months, pays the fine on an installment plan, and loses her 2 bedroom apartment (in which she houses herself and three growing boys). She has to move back to her one horse Midwestern town. She loses custody of her sons, they stay with Dad in Georgia.
And she crows about how “strong and independent” she is. Um. Yeah. OK. She is still dependent on her ex husband even after cheating on him – she couldn’t even post bond after a DUI arrest (it’s like maybe $500. I’m surprised at how many people can’t scrape together $500 for an emergency). She still has to have her ex husband clean up her messes.
Pathetic.
Thedeti,
That’s quite a story. I’m awaiting the day when my ex gets slapped with a DUI. She came home numerous times and passed out on in the garage, or somewhere on the floor.
Also amazed that people can’t scrape together $500, yet they almost always drive nice cars and have $600 phones. My ex lives off of credit. Even with a massive alimony payment that makes up 1/4 of my take home pay, she will have no disposable income (her rent and debts exceed the amount she gets from me).
I invest much of my gross and still manage to put some into savings. Some people just never get it with regard to money.
A Dad:
Would you bail out your ex if she got pinched for something?
I really don’t know why he did that. Were I divorced, I think I’d just say during the phone call “I’ll go to your place to relieve the babysitter and pick up the kids. Otherwise, you best get comfortable.”
Hell no! I’d like to think that I were beyond wishing for her misfortune, but I’d say “Have a nice time in the drunk tank. We’ll see you when your friends pick you up”.