A simple interaction between Dancer and her guy led me to reflect how women could improve their relationships by viewing their guy as the captain (and themselves as the co-captain) rather than as equals.
They had just been working in the rain and were getting ready to drive (for her first time) up to his house for the weekend.
“Go change into some dry clothes and dry your hair,” he said, not in any way bossy, but direct and matter of fact.
She said, “No, it’s ok, I am fine. I don’t need dry clothes.”
Now maybe she was trying to be not difficult by just living with the wet clothes but instead she annoyed him.
“Dancer, go change into dry clothes.” By this time I could see it was an order not a request. Still, she repeated she was fine and it wasn’t necessary. She wasn’t trying to be difficult, but she was.
He gave her THE LOOK. She went and changed. I grabbed them some cookies for the road, which he gladly accepted.
While she was changing he explained he didn’t understand why everything had to be “a fight.” All he wanted was her to be dry so they didn’t have to drive for two hours in a fogged up truck.
Its really not that hard to just follow the Captain’s orders, is it? Even if he doesn’t explain they why behind it, or it doesn’t make sense, or seems unnecessary. So long as it’s not going to cause any imminent harm, why not? Doing so will improve your standing in your man’s eyes as well as reduce frustration and unnecessary strife.
Let those who have ears hear.
Notes From a Red Pill Girl 
“All he wanted was her to be dry so they didn’t have to drive for two hours in a fogged up truck.”
Maybe I sound ridiculous, but maybe he also wanted her to be comfortable?
Constant shit tests. That’s why everything has to be a fight. Even if she’s not doing it deliberately.
I don’t know if it was about her comfort. Maybe he could smell her natural scent getting through the deodorant.
He wanted to be tactful and not say, “Hey babe, you smell like a wet fucking dog. Go unfuck yourself now, please.”
Lol perhaps it was also the wet aroma, but the overall message I took away was he wished she would just do what he asks.., this is perhaps his biggest gripe w her, she doesn’t listen. I don’t think she is even consciously aware she’s doing it.
It is about who gets to sit in the driver’s seat. After a while, men get tired of it and stop complaining. If it happens early, before commitment, the relationship just fizzles.
Good that you gave them cookies for the trip.
Dancer = Private Joker
Her BF = Gunny Sgt. Hartman
😉
Dancer = pvt joker
Her BF = gunny sgt. Hartman
😉
I am sure he also wanted her to be comfortable. And perhaps it just made more sense than her being drenched?
His last gf was incredibly easy going, submissive, and compliant. Not at all in a doormat way, but she let him lead. I think it chafes on him all the more now that he’s experienced that. If it weren’t for the dead bedroom I am sure he never would have thought of looking elsewhere.
I am trying to help Dancer be more aware of these things. She doesn’t mean to or want to upset him, she just doesn’t see it.
Meh, I would not read too much into that example. It sounds too much like he is looking for a 3 year old to scold by pushing the issue so hard. I do not see that as a shit test either. Fks given are a finite resource. Don’t waste them on wet clothes. That’s what the captain does. Of course, it depends on the “why”. If she smells bad, say so. A wise man once said that, “It is better to smell good than to look good, and it is better to look good than to feel good.” Who in hell don’t care that they smell bad? If she’s fogging up the ride, I would tell her that she could change now or I will gladly remove them in about 5 minutes. Aside from a spotaneous and passionate drying off time beside the road, this battle is not worth the squeeze.
There is a new post at Spawny’s
https://spawnyspace.wordpress.com/2017/10/22/baby-mamas-and-the-cost-of-tingles/
“She doesn’t mean to or want to upset him, she just doesn’t see it.”
No way, she probably does it just to get a rise out of him, because she needs the dopamine drama hit.
RPG,
It sounds to me that Dancer has hit the jackpot with this guy.
It sounds to me that Dancer has hit the jackpot with this guy.
How figure so you do?
He is loyal and would not have left his previous GF had it not been for the dead bedroom issues. Dancer has a history and she is not a spring chicken.
LOL at GLA with the stink comments.
She doesn’t want to comply because she made her living off of manipulating men (with sex) for their money. I mean, almost all women do but she was blatant about it because it was her profession. Of course she doesn’t want to comply, because she isn’t used to it.
A Dad’s comment gave me the inspiration to make a guess. Could Dancer be self sabotaging because doesn’t expect commitment?
i’m with Bloom here … she probably doesn’t know what she’s doing or why she’s doing it. i can see a younger me in this, esp as i was not taught at all to honor or submit to men. rather my whole life my both the men and women in my life treated each other like crap and they all resented each other.
i hope i’m teaching my girls differently; i think i am.
Ih8looking back, there may be something to the 3 year old thing. My theory is he isn’t over the last so everything Dancer does that isn’t what the former gf would have done annoys him. I do worry for Dancer bc she’s really into him but I am not so sure the feeling is mutual. Bad timing? I guess time will tell… (Moral of the story…beware being rebound girl.)
I agree Ame, I was also the same. I cringe to think back on how many times I cluelessly made similar mistakes. Not trying to be annoying but being annoying just the same. Women are taught to relate to men like women (negotiate, lets talk about this, everybody express your feelings, blah blah) when it just doesn’t work.
yes.
and i also had to learn that i wasn’t going to be hurt by *him* … whatever man *him* was, since my dad did bad things to me, so i had (have) trust issues. (yes, i’m the RED FLAG woman! 🙂 )
mix that with an insatiable need to understand things = a lot of rough ‘learning curves.’
the guy i’m married to now has been really patient with this stuff with me and has taken the time to build up my trust in him … hence my ability to trust more men, in general.
however, i so wish i’d understood many of these things when i was younger. sigh. all i can do now is implement them well and teach them to my daughters and others 🙂
Actually now that I think about this, I have known Dancers bf a long time and I just realized something he really liked about the last gal was she was like to mom he never had. She probably would have gotten dry clothes for BOTH of them. Dancer is unfortunately more like his own mom, clueless. If so…. This does not bode well at all bc he does not get along w his mom, nor enjoy her company. In such relationships I have seen the past hurts projected (unfairly) onto the current partner.
Twice I broke things off w guys shortly after they said I reminded them of their parent, not realizing it was the parent they seemed to have the most issues with. Perhaps it was unfair of me to jump ship at that, but I didn’t want to replay broken records, if that makes sense?
Maybe Dancer is set for heartbreak?
Twice I broke things off w guys shortly after they said I reminded them of their parent, (them) not realizing it was the parent they (had otherwise told me) seemed to have the most issues with.
To clarify that a bit…
A dad I know the fact that she was a dancer would make most people think so, but seeing her in action I have never seen her act like she’s “working” anyone. She has this very Mary Magledine, dancer w a heart of gold quality vs. being jaded, hard, or calculating. Kinda like Marylyn Monroe, she seems like a little girl looking for love vs. a vixen working the system. It’s hard to explain but she’s not “working” the bf as much as she’s hoping for his approval.
she’s not “working” the bf as much as she’s hoping for his approval.
this is HUGE is many women – esp those of us whose parents’ approval we did not have, or didn’t have in healthy ways.
Do you want us to be manly, as in protect you, watch out for you, make the tough decisions for you? Then do as you are told.
Or
Be independent and not listen but then don’t whine about the consequences.
PICK ONE and SHUT UP.
My favorite.
At 4:00 on a fall afternoon, warm, wearing jeans and cotton shirt leaving the house
Me: bring a jacket its going to be cool tonight at the bbq.
Her: I’ll be fine, I don’t want to lug it around.
At 7:30 sitting chatting over coffees on the deck (its 10c, 50f)
Her: Its freezing
Me: Coffee is warm (sitting in my lambskin jacket) and go back to chatting.
At 8:30 I figure she has had enough.
Me: My spare barn jacket is in the trunk (tossing her the keys)
Her: Get it for….
Me: the disinterested look.
Her: quietly excuses herself and spends the rest of the night in a huge, wool, plaid barn jacket smelling of horse. Luckily that is uniform for our horse friends.
quietly excuses herself and spends the rest of the night in a huge, wool, plaid barn jacket smelling of horse
Prefer the smell of wet dog I do
After 30 years we know we will take care of each other for the serious shit.
But this kinda stuff…you are a grown ass adult.
Similarily she will warn me off my male stupidity but let me go ahead.
Her: shouldn’t you brace that wood to cut it?
Me: I got this…..ah fuck.
She tapes me up.
Later at the barn.
Friend: Whats with the honkin bandage?
Her: Dumbass missed with a crosscut saw, thank god it wasn’t electric.
Yup, listening is good, warning is good.
Sarcasm is great.
because she needs the dopamine drama hit.
Men need and want this not
If desire this you do,
watch soap opera you should
Women are taught to relate to men like women (negotiate, lets talk about this, everybody express your feelings, blah blah) when it just doesn’t work
Sometimes simple obvious things need to be done they are
Negotiations improve the situation not
While she was changing he explained he didn’t understand why everything had to be “a fight.”
Good question for Dancer this is
I think we will know more once they come back, but, it seems to me that she is self sabotaging and she may not even be aware of it. If it’s true, it is a passive aggressive method of rejection. It would also be preemptive. Women past thirty shouldn’t do this. They don’t have suitors standing in line with candy and flowers.
Interesting comment from Rollos about historical paternity and faithfulness
“That depends on the climate. In some places, long winters and bad soil ensured that fatherless children, and semi-fathered children of polygynous marriages, died in infancy. These places are still renowned for the loyalty of their men and the beauty of their women. (When women have to compete for mates, the ugly ones die childless.)”
Then it was be nature.
Now that feminists have lifted us men from the burden of required commitment it is by choice.
Face it ladies, like it or not you are the ones who have to compete.
And your competition is not just with each other.
Now you have to answer the honest question
“Are you better than Nothing?”
Cause nothing (mgtow) is taking large numbers out of the competition
As roomie and dancer are finding.
Hence the rise of babymommas.
Up until seventy years ago (1945) the children of babymommas would literally die without the required support of an involved father.
Now fathers dont have to be involved hence the LACK of “loyalty of their men and the beauty of their women” and many chose (yes irresponsibility is a choice) not to be involved.
Just wait until the demographic boomer bomb detonates the welfare states of the west.
I do want to take this off on a tangent. All men are complaining about rejection rates. When PUAs quantify their rates of success, the numbers are depressingly abysmal. The rest of men can’t do much worse than nothing. Out of this, the only ones who will persist are the ones that don’t care. As a sorting mechanism, this isn’t gong to work too well and it may be catching up with women. The Privateman, who sold himself as an internet dating coach, admitted close to the end that he had to send one hundred messages to get to a first date. He was a professional writer.
Horseman,
Prior to birth control, there weren’t that may out of wedlock births. For some mysterious reason, they seemed to explode with its introduction. I think that most of these kids were adopted out.
I am surprised that the boomer bomb hasn’t hit yet. Those born in 1945 turned sixty five in 2010. The unfunded liabilities are almost beyond calculation.
May I suggest that this is about growing up and learning how to communicate/ work well with other. If there was nobody in your life to help guide you through the process it is more difficult to learn; like RPG and Ame describe.
Let me tell you about a time my wife did something similar. First, you should know that my wife is not a morning person, but she has learned how to handle morning over the years.
So here goes; when we were engaged I asked her to come deer hunting with a group of people at my brother-in-laws land. She had never gone hunting before, but she was interested. So there was about 15 men and 3-4 women staying in the cabin that night. My fiancee was the only woman going out, the others were going to sit in the cabin.
We get up at 4:00 AM and have breakfast. By 5:30 we are getting out of the cars and starting to hike in the dark by flashlight. We had about 1 mile to hike and about 2500+ foot elevation gain to get done before sun up. There were about 6 boys/men and my fiancee hiking at that spot. All of these boys have been raised to be considerate of women. So my brother-in-law offers to carry my fiancee’s backpack, which only had water and a little food in it. She did not carry a gun because she could not get a license that year.
Her response was that she could carry the backpack just fine and that she was in better shape then all of us, so she would beat us to the top. That set a pretty crappy mood and nobody said a ward for the next 15 min. My fiancee got a very powerful lesson on being kind when someone else is being kind to you. She was and is very embarrassed by her behavior on that day.
Anyways, she could have stuck to her pride and excused her behavior, but she had been taught better and knew she acted poorly. Thus she had to live with the embarrassment and try to do better the next time.
yes. growing up. learning the hard way – usually the lessons learned the hard way are set for life, or mostly so 😉
my first husband was angry with me, a lot. i would ask him what i did, what i could do – i was willing. but he wouldn’t tell me … or, he would grumble, “It’s not about you, Ame.” but still he was angry. it was very frustrating b/c i could never please him or make him happy, and i was willing! i would read marriage books and learn all i could about marriage and implement all i learned, but he was still angry (this was looong before the internet or home computers or even cell phones 😉 ).the Man i’m married to now thinks he was an idiot … i’m sure i’ve grown up a lot and applied those hard lessons to being a wife now. i’d like to think if i’d been married to a man like my now-husband years ago that i would have become a better wife quicker?
– – –
i’ve been taught that even allowing help, much less asking for help, is imposing on someone else, and imposing on another is bad – always bad, very bad. so it’s a huge mental process i have to go through when someone else wants to help. anytime anyone ever helped me when i was growing up, i ‘paid’ for it … like i was wrong and at-fault for even needing help. and not big things … just basics like food and clothing. it was a burden for my mother to care for me, so she dumped it all on me at a very young age. i grew up believing that it was bad and wrong for anyone to do anything for me … including things like washing my laundry. i have vague memories of my mother doing my laundry when i was very little but she quickly gave it up when i was around 8 or 9. she believed that if she nurtured you when you were sick it would make you want to be sick, so she wasn’t nurturing when i was sick and often said it was all in my head. can you imagine the first time my mother-in-law offered to help with my laundry when i was a new mom?! i totally freaked out! (btw – i’m long over that now – anyone who wants is more than welcome to come do my laundry!!! 🙂 🙂 🙂 ). my first husband, though, also didn’t want me to need him or anyone else and expected me to be perfect all the time, so even little things – like if i dropped a jar of food and it broke and needed to be cleaned up – he would get intensely angry with me and glare at me as i cleaned it up (also one of the reasons he would get so angry with our Youngest b/c she was born full-speed-ahead and like a bull in a china cabinet! she’s just an accident waiting to happen, but it’s rarely intentional. she’s just a super klutz).
– – –
anyway, for some of us women, we just need time for a learning-curve. we’re willing to learn and know, but if we don’t know, how will we know if we’re not taught and given the opportunity to learn?
Yup, listening is good, warning is good.
Sarcasm is great.
love it! 🙂
and love quick-witted humor … it just makes things a lot better sometimes 🙂
Horseman – this is exactly how i teach my children. listen to me or not – your choice – and live with the consequences.
Go figure, yes I think she wants to learn but is clueless where or how. There are few places that teach women these things today. Lucky for her, she landed in a red pill girl house! What made roomie bounce will be the same thing that (hopefully) helps dancer!
How about a Dancer report?
Perhaps read “The Surrendered Wife” by Laura Doyle Dancer should
Not sure if any of you follow JudgyBitch…Judi Bloomfield.
After months she is back from hiatus with a cryptic post. Read it for yourself.
http://judgybitch.com/2017/10/21/secret-missions-in-the-culture-wars/
My read is her public belittling of her husband in favour of her martial arts instructor caught up with her. She basically called him not a man because he didn’t fight and even after being called out on her page she kept up with the guy.
“… you’ll have to speculate on what the hell I was doing.
I still have a few more weeks of misery to get through – the mission isn’t over yet, but I’m back in the land of the living and ready”
If she aint split then she had some grovelling to do.
Thoughts??
Horseman probably correct he is
Perhaps husband thought that not worth fight for she would be
While I hope that Horseman is wrong, I fear that he may be right. JB nuking her own marriage would be one thing if she were a feminist. It is quite another to do so on this side of the fence.
Add to that, I hope that I am wrong about Dancer too.
Bear,
Tingles Uber Alles
Farm Boy,
Point taken. The poor kids! And, JB has been through this as a kid. She made peace with her father after finding out her mother told her a pack of lies.
On a lighter note,
@ Fuzzie Dancer reports the weekend was a mixed success. She still feels hopeful, so I’d say overall it was good but there were some tense moments. Like when she first arrived at his place, closed the front door, and saw a framed photo of him and the ex in happier times on the back. I am not sure any gal would be OK with that (or any guy.) There were several weird moments. The sad thing I see is he seems to be comparing her to the ex in everything from cooking to conversational skills. That can’t be fun. And it seems kinfolk unfair. She’s a lovely person in her own right. Walking on eggshells all the time, trying to be someone you aren’t, isn’t any fun. I know bc I have been there. But he also tossed her some hope in the form of talking about the future, cohabitation grandmother, long term type stuff. So who knows… I don’t know what will happen… but my guess is she’ll be dismissed when the timing is convenient for him. Sadly.
Lol typos as usual, autocorrect! That’s kind of not kinfolk and together not grandma!
RPG,
What I was worried about isn’t happening. At least, that is good. He is on the rebound, but there is no going back, not to the old GF. Keep your fingers crossed and hope that, in time, he comes to feel comfortable with her.
That I am wrong speaks well for her.
She is a F* buddy. What happens next is about 50/50.
Simply put, he’s got pictures of his ex up while bringing a new woman around. Now, I’ve got one picture left that has my ex in it, but that’s only because I’n too lazy and it’s a nice picture from an old friend. I should get a new frame this weekend hang a picture of something else. Though, if I’m being honest, my ex was pretty hot when she was young.
Sigh. You gals never learn.
Men won’t buy the cow when they can get the milk for free. And he’s milking her right now…
Feminist or not, “red pill” or not, a woman is a woman is a woman and they pretty much all want the most masculine man they can trap.