Much has been said in the manosphere about the Alpha widow — the gal who aimed out of her league and forever after longs for the one(s) who got away. Usually with disastrous consequences for any who follow.
Tonight, as I watched Dancer and her guy interact, and her reaction as he once again brought up his ex in conversation in a wistful way, it made me wonder if there is a male equivalent? An Alphette widow? And if such a thing exists, what does that look like? Is it the gal who was crazy good in bed (and crazy BPD otherwise) that sticks in his memory, or is it the one who captured his heart?
In either case, is there any cure? Or is everyone involved simply doomed?
What do you think on this topic of “ghosts from the past” who haunt long into the future? Please share in the comments!
Notes From a Red Pill Girl 
This may be why men should get the previous girl out of his system before starting a new relationship. Dancer’s beau’s ex won his heart and loyalty. It is one thing to consciously break the relationship, it is another to be free. All I can offer to Dancer is to hang in there and be everything the ex wasn’t. I think that she is already doing that.
I don’t know why this popped into my head, but it is innocent enough. She should try bringing him fresh baked cookies to his work in the afternoon. I’ll bet that his ex never thought to do that. Or, maybe I am thinking like a bear?
Yes, most people no matter their gender seem to have had one intense strong love/crush in their early years (typically mid-to-late teens), which can have quite a lasting impact on their mind and heart.
I think it’s possible to “get over it”, if you are able to objectively evaluate the experience for what it is and was; there are typically good reasons why it didn’t work out back then, and one has to keep those in mind.
We all have to make trade offs when it comes to choosing and sticking with a partner… With most people, they have to make some trade off in the attraction department in favour of better compatibility and long-term suitability etc.
If someone is not ready to make such a trade off, and it is necessary for the relationship to work, they are simply not relationship-material – for now.
It’s most likely the one who captured his heart. BPD women will produce more bad memories than crazy sex memories. I still have fond memories of the exes who captured my heart…but I also have the memory of them basically smashing the ‘goggles’ if you will. Especially in marriage women underestimate the ‘wife goggles’ men have…so it doesn’t do them any good to crush their husband’s heart.
It can be cured though…be a better helpmate than the exes. It doesn’t even have to require sex (and shouldn’t if they aren’t married). Cook meals, be affectionate, be grateful, be responsive…a man would have a heart of stone if that doesn’t put her to the top.
The way sex works for women since it is more emotional and often riskier that’s why they remember those men a lot more. The whole ‘alpha widow’ thing I always thought wasn’t so much how high up the man was but rather how women react after sex. It’s meant to bond. That’s why it should be kept in marriage…but if it is not the next man has to make it more emotional and bonding for her to knock the other guy out. It gets harder though the more men she has because the bonding becomes weaker.
Good point RPG but it’s pure beta for a guy yo have wisful thoughts about the one who got away and it’s a social retard that lets any of that dumb shit slip out. Specially around a woman
I know a couple guys out there have referred to me as the one that got away. One told me I was the most interesting woman he’s ever dated, and he wonders what could have been.
Being called interesting feels better than being called the best looking. Of course, when they had the chance with me years back, they weren’t ready for a relationship. Now that they are, I haven’t been single. I guess that’s just life.
@Ton agreed. Maybe whist full wasn’t the right word. We all met for dinner w the kids. When he got there he sat next to me, across from her. It was a long table w 8 people. She wanted him next to her, he said he wanted to sit across from her so he could look at her. Then he said “I was in a relationship w someone for six years and I always sat across from her.” (he’ll also calls it the best relationship of his life, etc.) I could see her bristle so I said, “oh gosh, let’s not talk about the past again. Why don’t you sit at the head of the table?” He liked that suggestion and moved his chair to the end of the table.
Dancer takes things too personal, and tries to boss him, which I can tell he doesn’t like.
In other words maybe he meant, “I sat across from my ex all the time and she never complained so shut it!”
Americans seem to be an extremely restless people psychologically and emotionally. You never seem content with anything for long. Your society teaches you to always be striving for more money,a bigger house,a better car,a more satisfying job,a better spouse and 1001 other things. This profound restlessness, is born out of a sense that you have very shallow roots in your country. My ancestors have lived here in Scotland for at the very least 600 years. I have a strong internal sense of a deep connection to the place of my birth unlike Americans. You are all “rootless cosmopolitans” due to your lack of a profound sense of connection to your land. Material goods and endless sense experiences will only deepen and strengthen your sense of alienation.
It seems to me that Americans have become so screamingly bored that only a civil war will satiate Americans’ hunger for meaning,and even that will be temporary. As a non-American why should I care? Well I am forced to care because the Internet is spreading American nihilism to much older and far more stable countries. The American sickness will be like the bubonic plagues of the Middle Ages. So Americans stop looking for the end of the rainbow,sit down and be quiet and content with where you are and what you have got,and if you can’t do that then stop spreading your disease online.
‘Dancer takes things too personal, and tries to boss him, which I can tell he doesn’t like.’
This is why emotional maturity for women is important.
She’s not his mother.
A new post at Spawny’s there is
https://spawnyspace.wordpress.com/2017/12/02/a-thought-experiment/
No Alphette widow here. I can’t think of one woman I would think of winsomely.
I wonder if a man who once engaged in prepubescent sexual activity is inclined to be more/less winsome with regards to past relationships?
So true Earl re emotional maturity. It’s HUGE and most women I know are way too emotionally reactive. I knew his ex, and really thought they would marry. They were very well suited. She was the first gal I had ever seen him act that way around. She’s pretty but not flashy, and has a very nice personality, very interesting, kind. Everyone adores her, and I can’t imagine her ever complaining he sat across from her, etc. She just wasn’t like that, not a doormat by any means but no drama, not insecure. But she was a few years older and hit menopause and started to have medical issues that led to a dead bedroom, and didn’t compensate in other ways (greatly underestimated the male drive), and so after two years of that he started looking around. I think his intention was to get some on the side as a way to make it work and stay with the ex but she found out and broke it off. They continued to live together platonically for over a year. During that time he started seeing Dancer (and they were talking before the break up) so it was weird bc she knew he wasn’t over the ex but she also wanted to be next. She’s kind of the rebound? I don’t think it was a good start. There’s no dead bedroom with them, but they lack the easy connection outside of that. He’s mentioned that to me, that he really enjoyed being with and around the ex, he does not seem to feel the same about Dancer. It’s not much more than booty calls. Since she’s moved in w me and his ex has moved out, he’s been making moves at making it more and even occasionally talks of her and he youngest moving in w him (the oldest is grown), but I don’t know what will come of it. Time will tell. Picking little spats w him won’t help, for sure. Then there’s the trust thing bc Dancer knows he was in that relationship but looking, and so she always has that fear in the back of her mind… Not a good start.
She wanted to stay the night at his place but he insisted we all meet up for dinner instead, as he wanted a night to himself. She suspected he was up to something, so the minute we got home she called him and kept him on the phone all night. The insecurity is not good.
This sounds like more than fresh baked cookies will solve.
“Peace is always present.
Get rid of the disturbances to Peace.
This Peace is the Self(Brahman).
The thoughts are the disturbances.
When free from them,you are infinite intelligence.
I.e.the Self,and there is Perfection and Peace”.
Sri Ramana Maharshi
Maybe baby, there are a few ways to read that but not sitting at the head of the table is a bad sign. You did him a soild on that front.
The head of the table thing is a big deal to me. I always sit at the head, even at other folks house unless my paw is around. I am the head mother fucker in charge of fucking up for Clan Ton but he is still Ton the Elder
Yeah agree w/fuzzy. This sounds like nothing more than sex with him and she’s emotionally immature because SURPRISE…sex is emotional and bonding for women. She’s bonded but he hasn’t and hence the drama she’s causing.
This is reason #1 why I haven’t had sex outside of marriage. I’ve seen this garbage happen to my friends all the time. Nobody ever talks about the emotional consequences when it comes to sex ed.
“When thoughts arise duality is present;
know it to be the ego,and seek it’s source.
The degree of the absence of thoughts
is the measure of your progress
towards Self-realisation.
But Self-realisation itself
does not admit of progress;
It is ever the same. ”
Sri Ramana Maharshi
“Be free of thoughts.
Do not hold onto anything.
They do not hold you.
Be yourself[Brahman].”
Sri Ramana Maharshi
Yes I think it’s a good thing for a guy to sit at the head of the table. And it was a good example for the kids too. Solved the sitting across from or next to dilemma too!
Earl brings up a good point. It may not be very popular because people are too impatient, but healthy people bond with sex.
I don’t know what to advise Dancer to relieve her of her insecurities. The only thing that I can think of is that time will take care of it as long as they keep it together.
Earl that’s likely true re what’s creating the dynamic.
I noticed too she didn’t ask him at all about him. So I asked about his work, what he’s been doing, what challenges he’s facing (he’s currently doing the job of two while they try to hire). Turns out he’s really stressed at work and feeling burned out. He seemed to appreciate being asked.
It’s the simple things sometimes! But when a gal is coming from a place of anxiety that seems to push her more into thinking more about HER and being more sopholistic. Not good.
Feminism has created this situation where sex is now uncoupled from commitment commitment, but then sex happens and the woman expects that it will lead to commitment, and when it doesn’t it turns into a cluster. Women are also trying to use the sex card to gain commitment from guys above their league (hypergamy) but sex is already a given w pretty much any other girl too, so the sex card is not what it once was…
Agreed, it’s beyond cookies.
The whole equality farce even went with the idea that men and women react the same with sex…and women thought they could have sex like a man. It doesn’t work that way. It’ll usually be more of a physcial thing for men and emotional thing for women. Done licitly Its purpose has always been to bond the spouses and have the chance to procreate. Done illicit it turns both partners selfish. He’s only looking for his pleasure and she’s only looking at her emotions.
In fact sex is probably the greatest revelation of our God given sex roles.
So true Earl, I saw this w my college roommate who did the whole “no strings” approach only to end up wanting commitment every time. I believe it’s hardwired into the female brain, both by God and biology. Before birth control there was no casual sex. Sex always carried the potential of pregnancy and so it makes sense a woman’s response would be to try and make sure there was a “there-there.” Our hardwiring doesn’t change even w birth control etc. in fact, I would see my roommate bind despite how totally stupid the match would be. Maybe this is what’s leading so many women to choose poorly or hang onto hopes w a guy who’s so clearly not in? Who has no provider/protector characteristics? If McBaddy can charm her into bed, she’s going to try to make it something even if it makes no logical sense?
I saw it said somewhere once that a gal has the upper hand before sex, the guy after. Maybe another way of putting it?
Coincidentally, my post this week is ‘Qualities of an irresistible woman’.
https://sigmaframe.wordpress.com/2017/12/01/qualities-of-an-irresistible-woman/
Those things, plus a healthy RESPECT, is what makes a woman unforgettable for me. Unfortunately, right now in western history, irresistible, respectful women are on the brink of extinction, so I don’t expect many men of this generation to become the male equivalent of an alpha widow.
‘Maybe this is what’s leading so many women to choose poorly or hang onto hopes w a guy who’s so clearly not in? Who has no provider/protector characteristics? If McBaddy can charm her into bed, she’s going to try to make it something even if it makes no logical sense? ‘
Yeah you’ll never hear birth control companies tell women they still will bond with those men. There’s no such thing as ‘safe sex’.
I’d encourage you to look up the research that found how birth control also shapes the type of mate a woman picks. Let’s just say it’s not the most masculine men.
The pill basically makes a woman’s body and brain think she’s pregnant so that’s the influence she gets when she looks for mates. There’s many reasons why I don’t want my future wife to be on birth control either in the courting phase or in the marriage. I don’t want a woman on birth control to choose me in that altered state…I want it to be of her free will.
‘I saw it said somewhere once that a gal has the upper hand before sex, the guy after. Maybe another way of putting it?’
If she’s wanting commitment she’d have the upper hand before sex. Even if it drives away the men who only want her for sex she’ll know they weren’t there for commitment anyway.
Sigma Frame, great article. I think this point describes a key difference between Dancer and her Bf’s ex:
4. Intellectual sophistication and a sense of class will put a woman in the top 10%.
Not to brag, but once I was talking with a guy about the concept of SMP ranking, and I pointed out a gal who I felt was my equivalent and he looked at me like I was mad and said, “No way, she’s not nearly as much of a lady as you are.” I thought that was a HUGE compliment!
RPG the system has swallowed two of my comments now. One comment was a lengthy one explaining that Americans suffer from a profound restlessness due to their having very shallow roots unlike Europeans. My ancestors were living here 600 years ago at the very least and in all likelihood they were here 1000+ years ago. American nihilism is the rotten fruit that comes forth from a deep sense of rootlessness,and thanks to the Internet and 24/7 media Grand old European nations hoary with age are starting to become infected with the American sickness. My advice to Americans is to accept fully who you are and what you have and if you can’t do that stop spreading your soul rotting malaise to the rest of the world through Internet moaning.
“Mere suffering exists, no sufferer is found.
The deed is, but no doer of the deed is there.
Nibbana is, but not the man that enters it.
The path is, but no traveller on it is seen.”
Yeah Sigma I read you article and it articulated many of the interior things I think are attractive…but 4 stood out.
Emotional maturity
Gratefulness
Affectionate
Responsive
I mean the easiest way a woman can go from ‘yes’ to ‘no’ is to not make eye contact and not smile. Some women are very good at it, and some women are well practiced in resting bitchy face.
Americans if they want to cure themselves of their deep malaise should need the words of Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj.
“When you demand nothing of the world, nor of God, when you want nothing,
seek nothing, expect nothing, then the Supreme State will come to you
uninvited and unexpected.”
“There is nothing to practise. To know yourself, be yourself. To be
yourself, stop imagining yourself to be this or that. Just be. Let
your true nature emerge. Don’t disturb your mind with seeking”
“Look at your mind dispassionately; this is enough to calm it. When it is quiet, you can go beyond it. Do not keep it busy all the time. Stop it – and just be. If you give it a rest, it will settle down and recover its purity and strength. Constant thinking makes it decay.”
Hi Stephanie, thanks for letting me know about the comments, I’ll see if I can find what happened to them!
Americans are a rootless lot, but please understand we are all products of fate, and so none of us choose our place of birth so we just have to cope w what we get and make the best of it. America has its faults for sure, but it also has many virtues!
Good point Earl. That’s how I have always seen it. I figured if a guy was bent that I didn’t do casual, he wasn’t a long term candidate anyway.I know lots of manosphere guys see early sex as a sure sign of strong attraction, but I disagree. I think women can use early sex as a tool and attraction can be faked.
I always thought it was more impressive when they cooked a meal for me. Besides quite a few women give sex away pretty freely now…a lot don’t cook.
I’ve commented on this before, thinking about an ex that I dated in my youth. She wasn’t particularly good in bed and she would have been bad marriage material, but she was still fun to hang out with and a smokin’ hot blonde. It’s not like I lose sleep over the fact that we didn’t stay together, because she was bad news.
After a bit of dating, my wife was perhaps a notch or so down on the attractiveness scale, but she made up for it by being a better woman in most every other way. It wasn’t until later in life that some weird latent narcissism came out of her, once she figured out that she had power that she never had before at the hands of the divorce courts. Also perhaps a byproduct of the people she associated with and the fact that her looks were fading pretty rapidly anyway, with middle-age hovering over her and a pretty poor financial outlook.
Women seem to have some of it a lot worse than men and they tend to take pretty irrational jumps into a worse overall position.
Pretty much everyone has someone who “got away”. Pretty much everyone has been that person who “got away” as well, if you’ve dated at all. It’s pretty normal. It’s stupid to pine over what could have been.
But I do agree that women tend to try to inflate their standards for many of the reasons mentioned above, and they can’t seen to comprehend why a hot guy might be with them and it really inflates their ego. The roles do flip from time to time but it’s usually only when a woman is trying to consciously “settle down” so she’s forced to pick a guy who is the next best thing when all of the better looking and wealthier guys have already been snatched up. Men normally aren’t as picky in the long run. Kindness and sex are all that a woman really needs to give him as long as she’s *at least* a 6 or 7, which is basically an average woman who takes care of herself. Maybe even some rare 5’s but she had better be a damn unicorn in every other way possible.
I think that it would have been best for me if I had dated more, rather than settling into a long-term relationship. I’m thinking that too many women my age have way too much baggage to make them worth dealing with. If anything, the whole experience taught me exactly what I want going forward, and I think that men later in life have far more options at their disposal than when they were young.
In the case of Dancer’s guy; It’s hard to tell. I don’t know much about either of them. Maybe she’s pretty cool, but it almost sounds to me like he wants to be with someone who can offer him something different. If I’m being honest, Dancer might just be a temporary diversion until he gets his head in check provided that his breakup wasn’t too long ago. Women like Dancer aren’t normally the kind of women that reel in a good LTR man, because their baggage is normally even greater than other women. She might know men very well, but can a man really know her and relate?
Also, knowing what I know now, I can’t see myself ever marrying again. So perhaps I’m approaching it from a bit of a jaded / RP male perspective.
To answer the OP’s question of whether or not men have a kind of alpha-widow like phenomena? I think maybe they do 😦 I don’t think it’s good or helpful for them in moving on. I think it’s something to do with Oneitis, and not healthy for these guys.
We’ve been married – very happily – 10 years now, but throughout that time I’ve been contacted by 4 ex boyfriends (I only had 4 past boyfriends… ) via facebook, one actually admitted he doesn’t think he’ll ever find someone like me again.
There was another man (so this is the 5th one) who was older (6 years older) and we only went out on a blind date set up one time. I found out from a friend that he had pictures of me saved on his computer (pictures from facebook… nothing bad but a little weird). I had to break off all contact from him because at first it seemed platonic, but then he’d keep mentioning how I’m stunning or that he doesn’t think he’ll ever find someone like me – he even told me one time he wishes I had a clone.
Maybe they’re all just seeing if I was down to cheat?? I don’t get it.
Whatever it is… I don’t think it’s good.
Forgot to add, nothing happened sexually at all with those men. So it wasn’t sex or anything.
Sigma I reblogged your post, hope that’s OK with you!
I also think this point is key:
She is generous in her estimations of the motives of others. She assumes that a man means the best, and not the worst. Men like a woman who interprets his words and actions in a positive light, and who forgives the occasional stupid move, or uncouth remark in a casual conversation.”
I saw this last night. Dancer was reading the worst into everything. Why he sat across rather than beside. Why he left his phone in the car (he said he was trying to be less of a phone zombie, which he is always glued to the phone, she thought he was hiding something), he wanted a night to himself bc he had to work this weekend, she assumed he was up to something so called rather than give him self time, etc.
She was clearly assuming the worst of everything rather than the best! And that is annoying, I can imagine.
‘I think women can use early sex as a tool and attraction can be faked.’
Those women are masters of emotional manipulation.
A dad, I wonder if your ex did what I have seem many women approaching the end of their prime window do, jump in some subconscious attempt to “do it before it’s too late.” What “it” is isn’t clear, except maybe it’s just general hypergamy? I have seen many women do this around age 33-35ish, and usually they end up much worse off, not better off. In fact I think it would be good if this whole phenomenon was talked about more, and not glamorized in an “Eat, Pray, Love” type way, but shown for the disastrous impulse it is. A kind of female mid-life crisis?
Very true Earl, I’d say those type of women usually have some sort of personality disorder, Borderline, narcissist, something like that. But they can be extremely devious, treacherous, and destructive! Beware!
Stephanie – Not to inflate your ego, but you pretty much represent that antithesis of most women today. So, yeah. They are probably right about not finding someone like you, mainly because dedicated wives and mothers that love their husbands and care about their family are pretty rare. Not saying that your husband hasn’t done his part of the job to make it work as well, but I think that it takes a certain type of woman today in a culture where feminism wants to dismantle everything about you and your family.
“She was clearly assuming the worst of everything rather than the best! And that is annoying, I can imagine.”
It just creates drama and negative emotions for him – which almost all men don’t want in a woman. They want a woman to be their safe, comfortable place to rest and relax into. They’re already fighting demons in themselves and out in the world, they don’t need that at home.
If women aren’t emotionally mature they can make rash decisions without thinking it through. Leaving a man you married because of not having happy feelings is a terrible decision.
Getting commitment from a man isn’t going to get any easier in the future at the rate we are going. There’s MGTOWs who have legitimate beefs with women’s behavior, there’s ‘betas’ waking up to the fact doing what they thought was right with women isn’t rewarding them so they’re on the edge, there’s cads who were never in the commitment game to begin with but know how to emotionally manipulate women into thinking they are, there’s sons who saw their dad go through the divorce/family court system and don’t want to go through that either, and we are also now seeing how quickly a man can lose his career/reputation because of a woman’s accusation (whether it is justified or not).
Stephanie,
I have heard that there is a lot of that on facebook. Not good.
@a Dad… it still freaks me out that it’s opening the door to cheating. I involved my husband in all that stuff, right away so that he knows what’s going on. I don’t want anything to mess up what I have with him, and it’s scary that it could (or that maybe I could be tempted to stray). I’ve known at least one police wife who did cheat because she was lonely all the time – not that that allows her to cheat! 😦
I think a lot of people find their old loves on facebook and that’s how affairs start. So it’s like an element of danger to keep it going and not try to shut it down. Or not bring your spouse into it.
My husband’s had past girlfriends contact him as well. One (that actually didnt even date him! Just had a huge crush) actually sent me a hate letter via messenger!!!!!!!! OMG it was so hatefilled and crazy!!!! All these points of why I didn’t deserve him and how horrible I am etc.
I never even TALKED to this crazy woman.
Psycho.
RPG – Of course it’s a type of female mid-life crisis. Bu at risk of blaming myself, what woman can really remain attracted to a guy that lets himself slip physically and psychologically? The grind of work and no play really literally kills the man that was, which is no wonder why women want to lower the standard in a form of make-believe “equality”. I don’t think that most women are meant to truly support their husbands because they can’t handle his vulnerabilities, but ultimately everyone has a breaking point. I clearly hit mine and didn’t turn it around in time. I wrongly believed that I was married to someone who I could count on in return for being the same for her, and that was not the case.
Being in good physical shape isn’t even enough to turn it around unless you get your head worked out. I’m less than a year out but it’s taken that much time for my head to clear.
Even women who settle down at a relatively young age and divorce in 10-20 years may be prone to wondering why they married the person that they married, because people change and it’s not always for the best. 10-20 years is a long time. The reasoning for the divorce might not even be completely about the other person. It’s entirely possible that someone might walk out on a marriage as a result of their own deficiencies or problems, but rarely do they want to admit it to themselves and are looking for reasons to justify it.
What did Dancer’s guy go through with his ex? Lots of guys hop right back into dating before they get their crap together and it’s a huge mistake.
A Dad,
From all that you have written over the months, I can’t find much to fault you for. I don’t think that it was you. She threw something away that was irreplaceable.
Stephanie – It’s not my personal business in what you do, but I think that married people should cut all communications with their exes. It’s become a societal standard that it’s normally acceptable to keep social networking communications with these people and that it’s old-fashioned to eliminate most contact with acquaintances that can be risky to a healthy marriage.
Maybe it’s not the cause, but a lot of the changes in my ex-wife happened after she joined Facebook. It’s perhaps no coincidence that one of her contacts was an ex who also claimed that she was “the girl who got away”, so your experience is not completely unlike ours.
One of my exes reached out to me a few years ago, even when my marriage was in a poor state, and I read what she said and then I permanently discarded the email. She tracked me down through a form of social networking. By that time I had already been married for many years and had a young child and didn’t want “Ghosts From the Past” to interfere. And let me say that the ex that contacted me was a woman who was pretty amazing in bed and had curves in all of the right places. The kind of old flame that most guys would cheat with fairly easily.
And, beyond that, Facebook is a colossal waste of time and most people who use it can not focus on important things like family and real life skills, but that’s a whole other issue. I deliberately avoid it and feel that I’m far better off than most of my generation. But maybe that makes me “old”.
Oh. And I forgot to mention. I still think that emotional affairs are far worse for women than for men. If a woman is convinced that she is not getting something from her husband, it will create a barrier that makes it hard to recover once she starts to get that attention from someone else. She’ll no longer permit her husband to fill that space, even if he has good intentions.
Fuzzie – I appreciate it, but I’m still even trying to find the answers. I know that nothing is one-sided though. Best explanation that I have is still only RP concepts and the concept of frame in particular. That’s about the only thing that makes the most sense.
“Maybe it’s not the cause, but a lot of the changes in my ex-wife happened after she joined Facebook. It’s perhaps no coincidence that one of her contacts was an ex who also claimed that she was “the girl who got away”, so your experience is not completely unlike ours”
I’m so sorry that happened.
Yea, I mostly read other stuff (blogs that are funny or that I like), or watch interesting things on youtube (Jordan Peterson!!!!!!!).
Facebook is too much drama for me… maybe it’s just my friends list LOL. But it’s almost always negative depressing stuff and I rarely log in because I don’t want to be depressed.
Psychologically? Maybe your ex realized she had “other options” out there – because of that ex contacting her. In reality she may have just been a soft-target to see if he could get her to cheat (who knows?). Or maybe he really did reminisce about her…
Either way… it could have given her a new perspective that “Oh! I DO have options out there!… I WON’T be alone if I destroy my marriage. Hmmm… maybe this could work and I could be a Sexy Single again….”
Sad. Again, sorry that happened to you. It sounds (like Fuzzie said too) that that happens a lot.
Perhaps dispense with Facebook entirely you might
And a lot of the depressing stuff is police related news and reports.
Officers are dying every week or two weeks around the nation. So constantly seeing that… seeing their faces, knowing they’ve been murdered, is too much for me.
“Perhaps dispense with Facebook entirely you might”
Yes!! Go off the grid 😀 Hopefully after I find someone else to take over the Events & Funerals.
That’s true, RPG. That goes into ‘attitude’, which is also something else a marriage-minded gal should gravely consider. Attitude can change everything!
FWIW…I’ve cut off friendship with all my exes on facebook. No matter how long ago it happened there was always ‘something there’ when I saw something in my newsfeed about them. I finally recognized that’s not beneficial for the next woman that comes in.
Stephanie,
That, in itself, is enough reason to let it go. I should delete my account. I have not signed on for years.
“Reading the worst into everything” a big turn off it would be
Women understand this they should.
But probably many can help their responses not
RPG,
About table seating arrangements, it is up to the matriarch to decide who sits where. My grandmother demonstrated this. She would do dinner parties, a lost art.
‘She was clearly assuming the worst of everything rather than the best! ‘
Sounds more like she thinks he’s found another woman. Which if she keeps it up with that attitude it’ll be a self-fulfilling prophecy.
But when a gal is coming from a place of anxiety that seems to push her more into thinking more about HER and being more sopholistic. Not good.
………
Legit
So true Stephanie, I have heard many men say this! Be his soft place to land! Not the last thing he wants to deal with!
@ a dad, People aren’t taught the marriage waxes and wanes. There’s a study that shows people who were unhappy but stayed together were far happier five years later than those who split. Even if they didn’t “work”on the problems — the problem just passed all on its own. Yes people change over the years, but the agreement is over a lifetime, right? Or it is supposed to be!
Many many women make the mistake of thinking divorce will “solve” their problems. But the reality is there will always be problems in life. And there very well be many MORE problems post divorce!
Facebook is the source of much discontent and strife. Just say no! 😀
via facebook, one actually admitted he doesn’t think he’ll ever find someone like me again.
……
Two beta tells in one statement and a beta with a shit version of boyfriend destroyer game.
If o was gay enough to fell that way about some chick from the past I would remover her current paramour. Something like putting a half pound of crank in the trunk of his car, chop up into smaller dealer size babies, with a couple hundred dollars, small bills, and then call the cops about seeing him trapping in a school zone
The gal I mention who has been toying with the idea of frivorce admitted a former crush from high school had recontacted her via FB and I think that may have been art of what opened the doors to her constant “what if” divorce fantasies. One night she actually tried to talk me into going with her to meet up with him after work (he lives about 30 minutes away.) I wasn’t in anyway, but when she suggested it to him he shot it down! Ouch! But she still didn’t get it… we’re no longer working together and I wonder if she will actually pull the trigger. Hopefully not bc frankly she’d be an idiot to! She has no idea.
There is nothing that makes a person think ‘me and only me’ more than fear or anxiety. That’s why the Bible and the Gospels said many times do not be afraid and we are to put our trust in God.
‘An anxious heart weighs a man down, but a kind word cheers him up.’ Prov 12:25
RPG,
Is this the one with four kids? Liz saw that and thought it was next to insane.
Yes Fuzzie, that’s the one. And yes it was/is insane! I couldn’t quite figure out if it was the Alpha widow thing (her oldest two children, their dad is a cad who has fathered 19 (!) children and has nothing to do w/ any of them! He must be one smooth talker!) or if it was the turning 33-35 thing, or both. But in any case like many women having divorce fantasies, she sees her SMV as it was when she exited the market in her early 20s. I didn’t know he then, but today she’s maybe a 2-3? Not to be unkind but sometimes I wish gals like herself could experience online dating for 30 days, not only to see how brutal the dating market is at that age but also to see that their husband in comparison is not a bad catch to what’s out there and likely is better! But of course they can’t, so they have no idea…. until it’s too late if they foolishly jump ship.
And yes Earl, as you say, wife goggles are very real! Once a woman foolishly takes that for granted, they don’t go back on either. For those who don’t know of them, wife goggles allow a man to look at his wife and still see her frozen in time, when they married. They blur out the wrinkles and all the rest in her favor! Wife goggles are a very good thing!
RPG,
I don’t know what kind of experience she would have with online dating. She would probably get a bunch of one line initial messages from guys looking for short term.
Her husband must have the patience of a saint.
Most women aren’t worth the first time around, why the hell would a man pine for one that either ejected or was rejected??
Everyone is replaceable.
You still pine for the puppy in your youth? Your first job? That cool ride you had back then?
Pining for the past wastes seconds in your present that then become the immediate past.
Plan not pine for what is to come and then make it happen by your own sweat.
Stephanie G – The Scots are statistically known for having a country of majority bastard children and barely-functional drunks. I’m not sure that any country is without its problems, yours included.
Give it time though. Feminism is seeping out of England to the rest of the GB and the UK, so you needn’t worry about the USA to get an idea of what to expect. It’s happening right next door.
‘I still think that emotional affairs are far worse for women than for men. If a woman is convinced that she is not getting something from her husband, it will create a barrier that makes it hard to recover once she starts to get that attention from someone else.’
It’s amazing how quickly they can go from affectionate and loving to cold and callous once they convince themselves to do so (or they get convincing from an outside influence). Women really need to learn how to guard their hearts from all the tempters out there ready to take them down.
Everyone is replaceable.
……..
Yup. But cars are special
brilliant move to put him at the head of the table. i think that’s a really important place.
we have a round table which fits best in our somewhat little space, but it’s also been good with the blended family thing b/c a rectangle table would often split my girls and me on one side and my step son on the other, or the girls acting funny about sitting on the other side (wasn’t enough room for me to sit at one end and husband the other – one end was against the wall). the round table really blended the kids together, and everyone still defaulted leading the meal time to my husband.
while i really like what the round table has done in blending us together, i miss the head of the table in a rectangle or oval table.
It’s relieving to see many people starting to wake up to this fact… but not before Zuck pulled those privacy stunts.
Pingback: Everything You Do Is Wrong | Spawny's Space
RPG: “But when a gal is coming from a place of anxiety that seems to push her more into thinking more about HER and being more sopholistic. Not good.”
Classic line on women from Oh Brother, Where Art Thou: “Triumph of the subjective.” It’s actually worth considering that many women live in a very Subjective space all the time. I wish I could say that men were equally Objective, that used to be the standard men were held to whether they fit it or not … no more. In the west I do feel that male objectivity still has some legs but they are failing.
Ton: “But cars are special”
x 2
@Stephanie:
Maybe they’re all just seeing if I was down to cheat?? I don’t get it.
OF COURSE THAT’S WHAT IT WAS.
Those contacts were probes for sexual availability. Out-of-the-blue contacts from people you knew 20 years ago are ALWAYS, in EVERY instance, inquiries about your sexual availability.
The female cognate is attention whoring. When women contact men they used to know, it’s straight out “pay attention to meeeee! Don’t you want to talk to meeee! I might even put out; just so long as you NOTICE ME DAMMIT!”
@ A Dad:
It’s entirely possible that someone might walk out on a marriage as a result of their own deficiencies or problems, but rarely do they want to admit it to themselves and are looking for reasons to justify it.
Just once, just one time, I’d like to see a woman have the self-insight to acknowledge the things she did wrong to cause a divorce. I have yet to see one do that. Every woman I’ve ever met who was divorced has a sob story about how awful her ex was, how she did everything right and he did everything wrong, how she tried and tried and tried to make it work but he was such a jerk and wouldn’t stop doing whatever bad stuff he was doing, etc.
Women may be ignorant but they’re not stupid.
Yeah my marriage blew up because I was a nag, I refused sex, I was a hindrence rather than a helper, I belittled and undermined him every chance I got, he was the punching bag I could unleash my bad attitude upon.
What man (or woman for that matter) would want to hang out with that?
“Just once, just one time, I’d like to see a woman have the self-insight to acknowledge the things she did wrong to cause a divorce. I have yet to see one do that.”
Bloom has done that many times! Just saying….
So you HAVE seen one, Deti! Reason to be a little optimistic, right?