Recently I had the experience of sitting with a 22-year-old gal as she filled out online job applications. Let’s just say, it became painfully obvious very quickly, this girl is in no way prepared for the world. Not even close.
I’ll spare the details to preserve the innocent but let’s just say if one thinks answering the question, “How long do you plan to stay in this job?” with “A. Less than three months” (even if true) is the “best” answer, one is missing something. Likewise filling out FOUR online job applications (and one’s top picks at that) with a cell phone number that is currently disabled because one didn’t pay it, as the primary contact, without realizing that is not a good plan until I pointed out the obvious, well… I was speechless.
Now I don’t know her well enough to know her whole story, but my guess is there is a big fail in there somewhere in the parenting of this young woman. My guess is the parent/s took the friend-rather-than-leader route, so popular today. She may mean well but she’s as clueless as a lamb to slaughter, wholly unprepared for the reality of life as an adult ahead. And with no safety net to fall back on, no kin themselves able to carry her for a bit more, this kid is really looking at a very tough and not fun future.
It’s all obviously her problem and responsibility to deal with now, but I would say it’s not totally her fault. Not that excuses will solve anything. It’s now time for this gal to focus on the solution, not the problem, or the source of these problems. After she overcomes them, maybe then she will have time for that. But first she’s got to grasp the problem, which her lax attitude did not seem to suggest.
All this brought to mind a quote I heard somewhere along the way, maybe in comments here, that kids have enough friends, what they need their mom and dad to do for them is to be their parents. Amen.
Not that I am a perfect parent myself by any means, but it was a reminder to me that I am my children’s guide, and while I am in the trenches day-to-day, my real job is to prepare them to launch into this world as a functional adult. And that the time to accomplish that in is limited, never to come again. While it seems far away now, it’s really right around the corner. If I fail them in this, I set them up for a lifetime of struggle, failure, and angst. And worse — dependance, victimization, and subsisting on the scraps of life.
A friend who is also a therapist once said to me, being a kid’s pal, giving in at the moment for peace and quiet, vs actually “parenting” them (with guidance, limits, rules, corrections, consequences, etc.) is the lazy way out. It’s selfish, and immature. It’s the strategy of a parent who refuses to grow up enough to BE a parent. Many times such a child has to do their best to parent themselves, and sadly also often parent their own parent at the same time.
I am not saying there is no hope ahead for this girl, but even in my infinite patience and innate desire to see the best in one, I was struggling to stay positive about her chances of a successful future. She has so much to learn, and the time to learn all that was long before now when she faces rent, bills she has no way to pay, and the very real possibility of being homeless if she doesn’t get a job, any job, in the next month.
When she was younger, lessons and consequences were smaller. The cost of failure, smaller to overcome. Now she’s near the end of the runway and there is yet no takeoff. Now what? I can only hope rubber grips road very, very soon and this failure to launch is somehow against all odds overcome.
In exasperation I finally said the obvious — “How about modeling?” The girl is very attractive, slim, six-feet-tall, and looks about 15. Naturally she said no, that would be “objectifying.” (“She’s got her looks and youth,” some may say. “Pair her off with someone to take care of her,” they may suggest? Too late. At the moment she is in a relationship with a gal even LESS capable than herself, if you can imagine that. She’s somehow gotten herself into the position of being a sole breadwinner, minus the ability to bake. A Millennial experience? On the other hand, they may be able to move in with girlfriend’s mom so perhaps there is this??? Or wait, GF is less prepared, so this suggests even LESS parenting to be had at her place.)
At that point I decided for my own sanity to let it rest for the time being. Maybe after I regroup, I will give it another go. Maybe not. In the end, this is not my monkey, and this is not my circus. I can only do or give so much when I have my own battles to fight.
Teach your children well. If not, their future may well become a living hell.
What do you think? Please share in the comments.
Notes From a Red Pill Girl 
Maybe I should suggest the Coast Guard? Military as re-parent? She could make worse choices…
I agree, teach your children well! Save your work often and proof read proof read proof read. Now I will add to the list… Pay your phone bill and lie with tact on job applications! 😝😜😊
Tell her to volunteer at the ymca or another organization they offer great life lessons and experience.
So uh…6 feet and attractive, huh?
Oh, wait, I read the rest, never mind. Shame.
I suspect, but of course cannot really know, their relationship is more about what’s trendy than anything. Both girls are very attractive and get lots of both shock factor and kudos over the relationship. The gf wants to be an actress, or a social media reality star. Not that she’s taking any steps to achieve that but I am just, “someone their moms age” what do I know 😉
She said the gf (19) is pushing for marriage. And she went on and on about how young marriage is so romantic, etc. I of course was all dream killing practical and said she wasn’t ready to even think about marriage, especially to someone who wants to be a housewife, until she gets the job thing worked out and the pay that can support that.
Very little of any of it seems based in reality, to be honest.
But yes this girl at age 14 was a top finalist from her region and was offered a spot at a well known NY modeling firm but declined it. She didn’t care for modeling and I don’t blame her but it might be something for her to consider. I am not sure the NY option is still on the table but there are local agencies and maybe occasional side gigs. Hard to make a “living” at it and the window is brief, but it’s good $ for the time involved, if one can keep their wits about them. But she doesn’t seem interested and maybe that’s for the best…
I’m about to write my own blog rant about teens and they way we write them off once they aren’t cute anymore. As a teen librarian, I see it in my kids all the time. Everyone stops parenting at age 11, because they’re going through a divorce and need to think about themselves.
So true Belle, I see that a lot too. Those years between 11 and adulthood are so critical, too. It’s sad how parents check out. I look forward to reading your take on it. Please do post a link! 🙂
I actually also know some young people of this generation who are remarkably mature and well adjusted for their age. Much more than I was. For the record 🙂 So it’s not just millennial bashing here.
Unfortunately, youth like her are becoming the norm. Their parents don’t have the skill to pass on to their kids and as a result bring kids into the world who are not equipped for it.
RPG,
When these kids are 18 & 19 and end up in my college course…… well lets just say it’s not pretty. Man I could go on and on about this, but to summarize; their parents failed them and their secondary schools failed them and now they fail out of college. They don’t have good prospects.
Indeed GoFigure. It’s a real mess. The thing that bothered me the most was her own nonchalance about the whole thing
ummmm, this is YOUR LIFE sista! Seize it.
@Laketra yes it is multigenerational. And the trouble with that is not only did she not get parented by people who did not get parented, she also has nobody to fall back on bc her family are hand to mouth themselves. Her only solution is to rally for herself as far as I can see. I hope she does.
Does said girl come from a single mother household? (Not sure if you would know but it would be interesting if she is)
Yes she does, and went thru multiple marriages and divorces as well. Not ideal for sure. i get the sense she mostly raised herself.
i’ve never believed the theory that once kids hit middle school they don’t need their parents anymore. they do become more challenging to parent, but that does not mean they need their parents less; it means they need them more.
I’d argue they need them far more, based on what I see in them.
I agree Ame. I think middle school is a real crossroads point, kids can start getting into trouble, peer pressure, sneaking around, etc. unsupervised time is a real risk. Better to keep them busy and occupied! It’s different than parenting toddlers or grade schoolers but no less critical!
i agree – though imo it’s difficult to say a parent is needed more at any one stage of life than another b/c i believe a parent is always important in the life of a child. the way they’re needed changes, but the foundation parents should provide for their children never changes – and a huge part of that foundation is availability.
countless times i talked to students while i was in the schools or chaperoning when my girls were in public school when children would make off-hand comments like, “My Mom can’t because she’s working,” … or, “My Mom won’t because she’s ____.”
i’m not talking about lower income areas – my girls were in schools in umc, dual super-career (where both parents are in professional careers such as doctors or lawyers or upper level management in corporate business).
the children always said it with a sigh and a look of longing.
many times i walked children home or watched as they walked home even when i wasn’t asked to.
also … there’s available and not available, and kids know the difference – and it’s not necessarily based on whether or not mom has a job. there are some parents who are available regardless of their job/career, and there are some who aren’t.
be the parent who is available. let your kids know you are there for them and have their back. they don’t have anyone else – the school is not in their corner.
Ame: “i’ve never believed the theory that once kids hit middle school they don’t need their parents anymore.”
That’s a THEORY? Oh dear God …
Young people’s unrealistic dreams are bad enough but they seem to get vaguer and vaguer as time goes on. Looking back, I’d like to think that I was as dumb as you could get but things are just crazy today.
The few times I’ve taught (college) I’ve taken the opportunity to pester my students and I was always disturbed by the “maybe” answers. Maybe I’ll do this or maybe I’ll do that. One that came up a lot was “Maybe I’ll create an app …” Okay. “Can you code?” You know the answer to that one: Not even a little.
That’s what people from India do because they know they actually have to, well … survive.
“Maybe” is a real bad sign. Maybe you’ll die. Maybe you’ll achieve your dreams; if you actually had any that contained any detail at all. Maybe a plan for what comes between aspiration and achievement is in order.
Maybe is the most realistic answer for moat kids given how fucked up the job market is. Maybe you’ll learn to code and AI or some jib jib will replace you. Maybe you learn to lay bricks and a robot or taco bender replaces you. Etc all
I did notice that a lot of the regular, full time, Professors consistently turned out students with a condition I called “too good for the world.” They were full of theory, couldn’t imagine getting their hands dirty actually doing stuff, and were pissed that the outside-of-college world didn’t live up to their expectations.
Their Professors had trained them to be University Professors; to live in a cloistered environment with it’s own rules for everything and it’s own layers of security … but they hadn’t bothered to tell the kids that’s only found on campus.
Then I realized why. Most of the Professors had gone straight from being students to being Professors and they had been taught by Professors who went straight from being students to being Professors. And maybe, maybe, way down the line of begats there was a guy who came out of the real world, probably on the GI Bill. But that was if they were lucky. Just as likely that many generations back the original Professor had a CPA membership card hidden in his shoe.
Alan Kardec –
yeah … actually most moms are ready to go back into their careers before kinder if they haven’t already. it’s why there’s full day preSCHOOL and full day pre Kindergarten and full day Kinder. cause mom’s working and wants kid to excel – takes off the guilt when child is doing ‘so well’ in school without her.
not all working moms are like that, but a lot are. it is well known that if you need someone to do something, do not call a sahm; call a working mom. working mom is already used to not being home, her kids are used to her not being there, and she already has child care provisions in place. she’s often more structured and organized and scheduled because she has to be.
“Most of the Professors had gone straight from being students to being Professors ”
my first husband encountered this when he went back to earn his mba. he would just shake his head knowing *that* wouldn’t work irl.
Ton – that is true. it’s a bit on the discouraging side. dealing with that with all three of our young adult children in one form or another.
no need to have a working mom vs sahm debate. there are sahm’s who are so wrapped up in themselves and their own hobbies that they’re not available, either.
just … if you’re going to be a mom, if you are a mom, then be their mom. be there for them. let your actions know you’ve got their back, always. there will come a time when they’ll tell you to stop and let them do it on their own (my girls have mastered this 😉 ).
“Young people’s unrealistic dreams”
dealing with this with my aspie-girl. she recently turned 18 and is craving to move out and get her own apartment – she’s my adventurer and lives life either full-speed-ahead or dead-stop. she’s figured out how much money she needs to live on and now is trying to figure out what kind of job will support that – all good things. but she knows she’s not ready to be on her own yet. I think it will happen, but she’s a few years out, much to her chagrin. she’s knows it’s true, but she doesn’t like it. yet she respects me enough to know I have her best interest at heart and am not just trying to micro-manage her or to helicopter parent her. she’s the one who’ll jump without looking and turn around and do it again the next day b/c she didn’t learn it well enough the first time – that girl keeps me hoppin 😉
Well I think the young kids right now grew up without any degree of stability and security. Broken homes all around them, ecconmic trouble all around them, their ecconmic options being cut off for them left and right, their cultural and social inheritance pissed away by the generations before them…..
Not saying they aren’t annoying etc etc but most folks don’t stop and consider what has been done to these kids by us and our parnets and grandparents
Professor: a person who teaches young people the same lies that they were told by their professors when they were young.
“it is well known that if you need someone to do something, do not call a sahm; call a working mom. working mom is already used to not being home, her kids are used to her not being there, and she already has child care provisions in place. she’s often more structured and organized and scheduled because she has to be.”
LOL that is actually true about working moms getting it done more than a sahm (and I’m a sahm). My working mom friends are AMAZING at getting extra things done, but they also have a VERY hard time balancing time with their husband and children. It looks painful and hard, and back when I worked in a research setting, if you wanted to succeed you really needed to put in 60-80 hours a week.
I had working mom acquaintenances that worked with me who barely saw their little children!!!! One actually had gotten divorced and moved in with her parents and THEY were the ones tucking the little kids in every night and doing dinner etc. so that their mom (who was about my age) was able to fulfill her dream of being a hardcore scientist.
It just was not worth it to me.
The wives all just re-elected me again to be their events person… but I honestly think a working mom is more organized, more used to replying to emails and setting things up, and just betting at “doing things” than I am right now. There’s somethign about being a SAHM that makes you really relaxed LOL.. like too relaxed with an attitude of “Oh… It’ll be alright!!!”
There are all kinds of professors out there guys. Yes, some are just like you describe.
Some, like me, have to tell kids that can’t manage to do middle school math, that there dreams are just about over. It is very discouraging when my 11 and 13 year old kids are more proficient at math then my college students. Several of my students can’t even multiply like my 8 year old second grader. Yet, the state keeps trying to tell the college you have to find ways to graduate this kids……… education is a dang mess in more ways then one.
Well I think the young kids right now grew up without any degree of stability and security. Broken homes all around them, ecconmic trouble all around them, their ecconmic options being cut off for them left and right, their cultural and social inheritance pissed away by the generations before them…..
Not saying they aren’t annoying etc etc but most folks don’t stop and consider what has been done to these kids by us and our parnets and grandparents
Ton just nailed it in two short paragraphs.
LOL that is actually true about working moms getting it done more than a sahm (and I’m a sahm). My working mom friends are AMAZING at getting extra things done, but they also have a VERY hard time balancing time with their husband and children.
they have to be obsessed with the schedule.
and … I think they deal with a lot of guilt by being over-accomplishers.
There’s somethign about being a SAHM that makes you really relaxed LOL.. like too relaxed with an attitude of “Oh… It’ll be alright!!!”
you’ve learned a different perspective. you see life through the person of our children rather than through the schedule. you know that there’s a season and a time for everything … and that, in the end, it will be alright 🙂
One actually had gotten divorced and moved in with her parents and THEY were the ones tucking the little kids in every night and doing dinner etc. so that their mom (who was about my age) was able to fulfill her dream of being a hardcore scientist.
It just was not worth it to me.
most working moms who are successful in both their career and their children being raised well are able to do so b/c of the huge help of their parents and/or family.
Some, like me, have to tell kids that can’t manage to do middle school math, that there dreams are just about over.
sadly, you’re probably the first person to tell this kid the truth in life 😦
Nailing it is what I do best 😉
LOL!
that’s why we love you, Ton! 🙂
….My working mom friends are AMAZING at getting extra things done…..
…….
0 fucks to give. My bitches don’t need to do extra things. What they need to tend to is my cock, my kids, my belly and my house. The rest is just bullshit that keeps them away from what is important
i’m a big believer in not punishing my kids for something i did. for example, if i pushed my kids too hard when they were little – past their bedtime, etc – then i was responsible for their ill behavior, not them.
when my Oldest was in middle school she was expected to complete an assignment on specific school computers that were only available at very specific times. she had another class that required her to be at a certain place during some of those times. so she would go to that computer lab during all available times on the schedule when her classes did not require her elsewhere. turned out, the lab would sometimes be locked during those times or the computers would be down. she wasn’t going to be able to complete the assignment before it was due, so she brought it to the attention of her teacher who disregarded her. i then took it to the attention of the teacher who disregarded me, also. so, up the food chain i went. the AP tried to defend the teacher, but in the end they had to concede. two years later when my youngest had that same class and assignment, they had changed the process.
do not expect something of kids and then prevent them from being able to accomplish it – but if you do, put on your big-girl panties and take responsibility for it. be the adult.
….My working mom friends are AMAZING at getting extra things done…..
…….
0 fucks to give. My bitches don’t need to do extra things. What they need to tend to is my cock, my kids, my belly and my house. The rest is just bullshit that keeps them away from what is important
and that right there is it. right there.
the men are happy when the wives take care of them and their kids and their home. it’s the women who get all tied up in knots about ‘stuff,’ encouraging one another to continue to tie more stupid knots about more stupid stuff, competing over stupid stuff that, in the end, doesn’t matter and causes more problems. women complicate life.
To be fair lots of families need dual incomes, ven when they are frugal so I get it
What I dislike is the feminist merit badge types. One of my employees wife makes 11 buck as hour, drives close to 1 hour each way and pays $300 a week for childcare. Plus they own 2 new cars tvs, making payments on their furniture etc etc. That ain’t a working mom by necessity
i agree – there is a difference btw a working mom who needs to work and one who is pursuing her career for herself.
usually the working moms who need to work are focusing on their family and taking care of their family’s needs.
i know … not all _____ are like that.
it’s the focus. is the wife working with, under the authority of her husband, to care for their family and home? or is she focused on herself, her career, her enlightenment, her standing in society or a group, etc.
My husband loves that song, Ame. Deep down… he’s a softie 😀 ❤
This was my same thought!
When I returned back to work after baby number 3, at my daycare, I was really sad. I told the caretaker how sad I was that I wasn’t staying at home with my baby. This much older woman glared at me and said “if there is EVER a fine you should be home with your child it’s in their TEEN years!”
I’ve never forgotten that and now having 4 teenagers I sure am glad I am home!