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It’s a controversial topic, submission, but one worth talking about more often because it’s so misunderstood.

When many people hear the word submission today, they often think oppression or abuse. But in reality it’s anything but.

True submission is a CHOICE, not something imposed or forced upon anyone. It’s the choice to follow, not lead.

And it’s not just a female-male thing. Men actually submit to recognizing a hierarchy and following the recognized leader all the time. In the military or at work, for example. Even in casual situations, an AMOG (Alpha man of the group) surfaces and the men all seem to intuitively know where they fit in the order. When they don’t, bad things can happen and AMOG may be established with posturing or even by physical force. Bar fights are an easy example of this.

Women are the ones who seem to struggle with the concept more. Women’s minds seem to function more in a “let’s all be on the same level and all have an equal say” way. This likely comes from a biological place, as in ancient times women most likely lived in villages with the young and the old and other women and things were always a collaboration/negotiation. This approach can be a strength, but not when it comes to recognizing leadership.

I have countless times observed women in a work setting, for example, not getting in step with or openly subverting their team leader or manager rather than recognizing who the leader is and choosing to follow direction. It can cause lots of problems when this happens.

The same can be said in a family. When there is no clear leader, there can be much chaos. The women I know who struggle most or are least happy in their marriages are often also fighting to have equal say or more often to be calling the shots.

If you had asked me in my youth, when I was blue pill, I likely would have argued that marriage should be 50/50 and all should have a say and so on. I believed that in my own marriage and many times actively went against my now ex-husband in decisions on finances or other matters. And you know what? Looking back I can see he was right and had I listened we (and I) would have been ahead had I gone along rather than fought for my own way. There were many cringeworthy moments.

For example, at one job I got 1000 stock options for $1 each. At one point they were worth over $100 each. My husband advised I cash out. I refused, believing it would go higher. Within a week they were at $45 a share. He advised I sell, as it was dropping fast. I refused. I held those darn options right down to $4 a share. To his credit he never rubbed that in my face. But how I wish I had just listened, chosen to follow. It was foolish pride on my part. I would have been far better off to listen.  (Eventually after my divorce I sold them for around $12 a share. Later they finally went to up to $45 again. Sigh. But anyway…)

The above is just one example, but I have learned. In my current relationship I refuse to fight for the lead. I choose to follow. I choose someone I knew I could safely follow. He’s a good man and he’s made a lifetime of good choices.  I trust his opinion and advice. I am smart but he’s much smarter. I recognize this and see going with it is in my advantage. He’s not forcing me to, in fact he’s always willing to hear me out, and still I am choosing to cede the lead. It’s working out really well. It’s by far the least drama relationship I’ve ever had, and I like it.

In short, choosing to follow can be a good thing and fighting the lead can be costly. It’s a mistake only YOU can choose not to make.

What do you think? Please share in the comments!