This is the phrase of the week in my home. Written on the fridge in dry erase marker and everything. The kiddos have been put on notice.
The world may be coming undone but normal is the new normal in my home. I have decided it just makes sense.
Actually things are far from normal but we are going to aim for it. I figure even 80 percent is a win. After all, I have a little and two pre-teens (one, not mine, who made some really bad choices this weekend and is in super big time out for sneaking out w a friend in the middle of the night while supposedly on a sleep over at her big sister’s) and no time to waste setting the expectation bar.
I may not be ready for it but that doesn’t change the reality that it’s a whole new (teen) era and I am now a mom of two and a life coach and drill Sargent all in one for mine plus one. It’s sink or swim. Four (and some change) critical years lie ahead for the older ones, and little is watching and learning. No time to waste. Red pill time. I will not lose them on my watch.
What do you think of normal being the new normal as a family goal? Please share in the comments.
p.s. Feel free to add potential future phrases of the week for consideration in the comments as well. Seriously under consideration for next week is, “Adapt or die” (said w a wink but also THE look. Gotta keep ’em guessing!)
Notes From a Red Pill Girl 
When I was younger, visiting my cousins, I saw on their fridge:
“We do hard things.”
God bless you.
My strategy for thriving in the teen years is to keep the girls busy. Too busy w school, chores, sports, and having good clean fun to get into serious mischief. Lots more structure and pre planning than to date. I know when I was a teen it was the kids w lots of unsupervised time and/or checked out parents who got into the most trouble. I am sure stuff (hopefully minor) will still come up, but better than doing nothing and leaving things to chance.
And to make sure they don’t catch me hyperventilating into a paper bag from time to time, kinda ruins the calm assertive leader image. 😉
Calm assertive leader generally is good.
But occassionally righteous anger is a good motivator (even if feigned.)
They need to know
There WILL Be Consequences.
The fear of God thru you as the vessel needs to be in them.
Once they “go to a friends” you are not in control. They either have to want to be good or fear being bad otherwise, especially with girls, “I dont know it just happened.”
I went to high school with the Mrs.
She did shit me and the guys would never have dreamed up.
“When I was younger, visiting my cousins, I saw on their fridge:
“We do hard things.”
God bless you.”
LOL love it!
Yea we go by the whole “JUST DO IT” thing – just DO the hard things… just DO the boring stuff that needs to get done like laundry, cooking, getting up early, etc. etc. etc.
If you can do a lot of that stuff, and do it with a positive attitude, I think your kids will learn awesome lessons from it! ❤ And it will stay with them FOREVER
FOREVER
FOREVER
(LOL SandLot)
LOL!!!!
I love this movie!!! ❤
Agreed Horseman. For sure!
I won’t lie to say I am more than a little distressed by this. Dancers youngest is much more worldly than my kids and has been parented very differently. But I still wasn’t expecting this. Not good. But we’ll get on top of it.
There is no other option!
Getting kids to understand doing the right thing bc it’s the right thing to do, even when nobody is watching, is huge.
I have more experience in handling misbehaving men than children besides my big sister days, so you do what you feel is best.
@ash, while mostly it’s her mom enforcing the loss of phone, restriction, and other consequences, I am taking both a hard line “this can never happen again” combined with a “let’s get these kids busier w positive activities” approach, in my backup role. I don’t want the girls to be on lockdown, which I think could lead to more rebellion, but to provide safe social opportunities.
I think you’re doing a good thing.
“Calm assertive leader generally is good.
But occassionally righteous anger is a good motivator (even if feigned.)
They need to know
There WILL Be Consequences.
The fear of God thru you as the vessel needs to be in them.
Once they “go to a friends” you are not in control. They either have to want to be good or fear being bad otherwise, especially with girls, “I dont know it just happened.”
I went to high school with the Mrs.
She did shit me and the guys would never have dreamed up.”
———————
I saw a mom screaming at her grade school kid today. Kid was maybe 8-10 years old, crying and distraught about something. Mom just said: “Shut up. You are acting ridiculous!”. Kid could just be cranky because she isn’t getting enough sleep, but there also could be a greater problem. You could tell that the mom was all dressed to run off to work, in her expensive car. Didn’t even want to deal with her kid’s problem, whatever it may be.
A few days ago, another crazy mom didn’t like that I was driving the speed limit. She must have forgotten he kid’s school lunch on the way to school, drove back home like a bat out of hell and nearly hit me when I was turning into my driveway, because she just had to pass me to save that extra two seconds. Apparently she is one of my neighbors.
Last week, yet a third crazy mom was absolutely frantic that I was in her way when I was getting out of my car, parked to take my own kid to school. She threw her hands up in a furious rage: “How dare you open your door when I am about to pass you!”
What’s the point? I keep seeing crazy moms put their kids and other people into crazy situations, sometimes dangerous, because they make bad decisions, and can’t handle a bit of minor day to day stress.
Glad that I’ve got a low-stress life beyond dealing with a few nutcases from time to time.
“Agreed Horseman. For sure!
I won’t lie to say I am more than a little distressed by this. Dancers youngest is much more worldly than my kids and has been parented very differently. But I still wasn’t expecting this. Not good. But we’ll get on top of it.
There is no other option!”
——–
RPG – Maybe I missed what happened exactly, but I take it that there is some outside influence that has caused the kids to misbehave, and Dancer’s kid is perhaps instigating it.
Sounds like they are SnapChatting with some older teen boys or something.
I think it’s been said before; I know that you like Dancer, but it seems like she adds a very specific risk to the family. Most guys wouldn’t even let an ex sex-worker in their home for more than a night. It goes without saying that she and her kids would come from a different stock.
I see those types of things all the time too, a dad. It’s so sad bc that kind of parenting is the opposite of effective. Even when I am upset, I am careful not to lose my cool bc ultimately I am also a role model and know how I parent them will teach them how to handle their own emotions well. We have a “no yelling” rule, in fact. When I need to do the fear of God thing it’s much more in a stoic firm stare them in the eye kind of way. Dancers daughter sometimes likes to try to stare me down for fun but she can’t do it. One can be the dominant (in charge, leader, etc.) who anger or berating. Dancers daughter is smart and strong, good qualities so long as she understands the adults are in charge here and that some choices are not yet hers to make.
Believe me a dad, that very thought has crossed my mind. Dancer is very much on board w and backing up the rules in my home. If she were not, they’d be moving. And she knows if her child keeps this up they will be moving. I understand what you are saying, I do. It would take forever to explain but I see in Dancer that rare quality of very much recognizing where she came from is not where she wants herself or her children to be. She’s also loyal and honest and ethical, oddly enough. Not at all the hussy type. She hasn’t worked in that field (stripping) for a long time, did it for the easy money and flexible schedule, very much regrets it and recognizes while she could charm men and empty their pockets, it wasn’t good for her soul or theirs. She’s got a very Mary Magledine quality to her. If she didn’t, I never would have allowed them to move in.
Yes her daughter asked to go to her older sister’s (22) place in town Fri. night, and then had a gal friend from school come stay the night. The girls snuck out, rode bikes around town to the park and high school and such in the middle of the night. Sister woke up and discovered them missing, and busted them sneaking back in. Luckily we live out of town, too far for that. She won’t be staying at sisters anymore. And we’ll be keeping a very close eye now. Both she and the friend are grounded, after the other mom was filled in. The girl is now mad at Dancers daughter bc she got caught. My daughters were away for the weekend w dad and were not involved, thankfully. I would not have let them stay over at the older sisters anyway. No way before, and for sure not now.
And it’s true, it could end up being a huge mistake. Itbis a risk and one I am carefully keeping my eye on. Them being here has also been very good in lots of ways, we really support each other in parenting/household/work and life is working better and more smoothly in many ways since they moved in. My hope is we all look back on this period as one of a very positive turning point for all involved. The highest possible good!
I have explained to both of them how “liberal” i’ll be if the rules(and there are not many) followed but I had also explained the lengths i will go to so i do not have to waste time chasing folks down….:) I had one time with my eldest when she was 16 that i demonstrated the levels i will go to make sure the rules are followed. I am a single father to a 17yo girl and a 9yo girl. I am also anti-feminzai and anti-sjw. When my then 16yo started showing signs of this nonsense I told her immediately that her BS would not be tolerated. Considering she was just turning 16 at the time she found out real quick. As she tried to escalate so did i…first it was shutting down her online world(i even literally hacked all of her online accounts with her watching because she refused to reveal her passwords..even though that’s one of the rules). I then switched her from her iphone to an android i had in spare. I then locked down her ability to call to just me..and finally i disabled her camera(that’s the one that got her). The entire time I was tracking her via the phones built in tracking and when she went off course she would get a text from me within minutes(sometimes seconds). Once she had become a prisoner both inside and outside the house she figured out I meant business. The youngest watched all of this…we shall she how things go with her..:)
I like to think that everyone gets a second chance, but it doesn’t really work that way.
And even if Dancer has good intentions, it may very well be that she and her girls’ baggage may be beyond the point of repair to a point where they represent a risk even without intending to cause damage to innocent bystanders.
I get the impression that her youngest is a few years older than your oldest, and sounds like she is at a point of reaching her most rebellious years before she goes out on her own to be an adult (which may take her about 10-20 more years to fully “grow up” if modern trends are indicative of anything). Would be worth examining how her older daughter turned out. Sounds like she at least cares enough to inform her mom that she was sneaking out, so perhaps that’s a good sign.
Most kids will sneak out. At least, I know that we (boys) did. Not saying that it should be tolerated. I think that boys and girls do it for different reasons. Boys go out to be rebellious and cause chaos (Toilet papering a friend’s house, smoke and drink, etc.). Girls might do those things but more often are going to meet a guy. Guys will meet up with the girls when the potential for sex is involved. Usually it’s later high school age where the parties are more common and there is a lot more sex and drinking together.
I’m not at that point yet with my kid. Will be fun times.
@ a dad her youngest and my oldest are the same age, 8th grade. Her oldest is still figuring out a career path and what I would say is normal 22 year old stuff these days, but she’s very solid in other ways, no crazy antics like drugs and such. And yes she saw the situation for the danger it was and immediately called Dancer and they worked thru it together.
As i was reading the comments I can say more than once i have seen a parent screaming at a kid in public. That’s BS in my book. I’ll take my kid to the car or somewhere else to talk to them…however raising my voice in public is a no-no…they will get “the tone” or “the stare” or both in public….as strict as I must sound with my last post my kids (especially the 17yo) are very free in what they can do..goto friends houses, weekend stays at friend’s houses(17yo)..etc etc./ Only when the rules are broken does the hammer come down…and it ALWAYS comes down..there’s no..”well do not do this again or else”…by the time the hammer falls they have had more than one warning(max 2(depending on the offense).
Heiscoming soon, indeed. All phones will now be monitored as you describe. After the one gets her phone back that is. I would prefer they have no phones at all, or flip phones at most. I am not a fan of kids and smart phones. My ex gave our daughter one despite my very much opposing it.
My sister does the same thing you’re doing with your kids, Bloom. She has them involved in all kinds of extra curricular activities and volunteer work at church, homeless shelters, and even prison so they can see where bad decisions lead first hand without having to actually be on the receiving end of those consequences.
@ gla volunteering is an excellent idea to add to the mix, like it!
I purposefully keep an android phone around because unlike the apples you can EASILY turn an android device into the ultimate leash…with FREE apps. I settled on the smartphones for this main reason alone. Apple devices have the same built in tracking too..:) As we do not have a landline a cellphone was required for emergency comms once the eldest started coming home by herself from school(while me and my late wife worked)…once i figured out how impossible it was to monitor a non-smartphone remotely i switched to an android phone at first. Only after the eldest had earned the trust did we allow her what she wanted…with the full understanding that since i am paying for it it’s mine and she will give me access to it at all times. The instant she started rebelling against that(as per the above post) the chains came. My eldest has also been informed that when she turns 18 if i am still paying the bill and paying for the phone(which i am) the rules till apply(especially if she is still under my roof which i have told her she can if she is in school). Needless to say after she graduates high school she intends to not only have a job..but pay me back for the cost of her phone AND pay the monthly bill for it..:) I think the chains experience has given her a new view on life..
Yea @A Dad… I saw a mom of one of my son’s friends in his class last year, RUN OVER HER SON’S FOOT because she was that crazy in trying to drive away at the drop off!!!!!!
My husband was actually there – he was driving and he always parked last year (different school) because they had no drop off line and the moms and dads would just pull almost anywhere to let their kids out.
My husband always walked our son in. Such a good man and father ❤
But yea, he went over to help get the foot out from under her car (she didn't know for a while until she checked why he was screaming), but it was awful.
@ heiscoming soon you sound like a great dad and your girls are lucky to have you protecting them and helping them learn. So many parents check out or are hands off. Maybe easier at the time but NOT long term. My daughter has an Apple, the other has an android wo service (no phone, WiFi only) but she uses apps like Snapchat, not good bc the messages automatically delete from what I understand. My sympathies for your family’s loss. Welcome and thanks for joining in the discussion, please don’t be a stranger!
oh i wont’ bee a stranger. This free software can also block their ability to install or remove apps. If you do not want them on SC let me know and i’ll give you a heads up…you can lock an android down to a fliphone almost with good, free software..:)
Heiscomingsoon, can you recommend a free software option you like?
let me look it up..it’s been a bit…stand by.
it was called app control lite…but that app has gone by the wayside and it is now an ait traffic control simulator…weird. Let me find something else..:)
8th grade means there’s no more ‘practice’ time. it’s game-on, and it’s real with real and harsh consequences. because that’s life, and it’s best learned now than later.
i’d rather my kids fail under my roof where there’s a measure of control of consequences than out in the real world, so allow them to fail – meaning don’t prop them up to succeed all the time. if they fail, they fail. teach them, then, how to fail, get back up, and move on.
this is a season where ‘quality’ of time spent is not better than ‘quantity.’ even though they balk at it, kids at this age need lots of one-on-one time with you because they can no longer just walk in and start telling you what’s wrong. they need lots of dead space before they can (1) get the courage to tell you what’s going on, and (2) figure out how to articulate what’s going on.
one of the best ways to spend time alone like this is doing something where the kid cannot escape – such as long car rides. you need to make them no-tech times, too, otherwise they’ll be too engaged to start talking. they won’t always talk and tell you what’s going on, but they will know that they can. make this a regular thing so that they will know that they will have opportunity to talk to you. this, imo, is super – top-of-the-list – important at this age. they can NOT walk in and say, “Mom, I need to talk.” they just can’t. so you need to provide the atmosphere and environment and space for them to do so. and when they do blurt out something, do not react … cause if you do, they won’t feel safe to talk next time.
when at all possible, have their dad on-board before you do anything. when he was alive, whenever i prefaced something with, “I talked to your dad …” I had my girls’ immediate attention. they knew that if both mom and dad agreed on something, it must be huge – and, there was no getting around it. the weight dad carries cannot be underestimated. even now when i tell them that their dad and i had discussed this and were in agreement with it, they know it’s serious.
repetitive work / exercise is also very productive. it organizes one’s brain, gives perspective, makes one physically tired – all very good and positive things. come up with default physical work/exercise to send your kids to do when they are wound up. shooting hoops, walking, running, stair climbing, etc.
they WILL whine and complain and balk at repetitive expectations/chores, but don’t give in. they need the routine.
DO listen to them, though. if they’re overwhelmed, allow them to make choices, guided by you, to reduce or change their schedule if necessary. teach them to ‘listen’ to their bodies – especially as they’re figuring out their hormone schedules. i have one who is down the first 24 hours of her period, then she’s fine. the other has totally different parts of her cycle that affect her.
do tell them the truth about life. what they don’t learn from you, they’ll hear at school and often distorted. it’s best to get the truth from you. my girls don’t always like this because it’s awkward for them – especially anything about sex. but i tell them anyway. even though i began very young teaching them about sex, it’s still awkward at this age but also necessary.
when our babies are born, they’re born into our team. when they begin adolescence they are beginning the process of someday forming their own team separate from us. it’s very much a jump out and then return to home base process over and over and over – testing the waters, discovering who they are with the family and on their own. there are good ways to do this, and there are bad.
our role is to be super consistent and strong while they’re bouncing all over the graph of their life.
i agree with hescomingsoon that when they create the need, come down fast and hard and make them earn back the freedom they once had.
this will also be a season where parenting each child according to their own personalities may become vividly different. years ago, when our kids were little, i was talking to a friend on the phone when she said, “My daughter has been begging for a spanking all day, so I’m going to get off the phone and give her one.” not all children beg for a ‘spanking’ or need one … or any other form of discipline. and different things work for different children. i had to remind my girls, a time or two, that they didn’t really want me to parent them like i did their sister 😉 . there are some things that are hard, fast rules in your home, then there are others that are flexible and adaptable to each child. the kids are smart enough to figure this out (and to try to use it against you if you let them 🙂 ).
for your own sanity, remember this is a season that will end, and the other side of it can become a very beautiful place for all of you 🙂
“for your own sanity, remember this is a season that will end, and the other side of it can become a very beautiful place for all of you 🙂”
———–
It will end when they are about 45.
It will end when they are about 45.
lol!
actually … when my daughters are 45, they’ll probably have their own kids and family and trials that will stress me in different ways!
the other side of this season is the beginning of a friendship/parenting season. i’m really enjoying it with my 20 year old. my 18 yo aspie girl watches her sister and me and wants that same thing, but it will look different b/c they have such different personalities.
what’s really beautiful, though, is seeing the release of all that adolescent anxiety now left in the past, and watching them grow and make decisions as young adults that are good and healthy. i love seeing their compassion and thoughtfulness. i love how they care and yet are able to draw lines. i love how they think through things. and it’s even fun to watch them do some reverse-parenting on me – turning around and repeating to me the things i’ve taught them all these years. they still need me to be their mom, but it’s different.
Unless they keep having lots of kids, they will go through a second teenage phase. Usually happens before ages of 35-40.
That’s when most of the real self destruction happens.
is this a new thing, A Dad?
or is this ‘mid-life crisis’ ?
Female mid-life crisis. 😉
I keep seeing it more and more often.
hummm … i wonder if that can be headed off with proper teaching and instruction? prepared for properly?
I would hope so….BTw for everyone its hescominsoon…leave out the “g”…it’s an easy oversight..because if you search for hescominGsoon you won’t find me..
More women driven by career, social networks, than having a family. Usually women who have zero or few children. They get bored by mid-life because they’ve not yet hit the wall and want to experience life again as though they are teens.
then that can totally be avoided with proper training and healthy choices. at least my girls will know that if they go that route, these will be their consequences. choose wisely.
hescominsoon – thanks for the correction 🙂
I think quite a bit of it is society teaches females they MUST get out on their own..this leaves them unprepared for housewifery and the other honorable ways females can live in the world. It is always independence this, strong that, and this feeds the woman’s built in rebellion even more.
Also, obsession with wealth and fame. More women than ever obsessing over stupid pointless shit TV since the Kardassians and that garbage, tabloid news, etc.
Plus, now more women have self-earned income and are said to be 80% of the spenders in this economy, racking up massive debts with no self-control, etc.
i agree. we do not push our girls to move out. they are welcome to live here as long as they need to or want to and honor and respect my husband and our home.
my step son is totally different … because he needs to become an independent man. he’s making great choices, too, and we hope that continues. (he’s also 20 years old).
it’s interesting to be our age and watch our 20 year olds begin to navigate adulthood. i see their anxiety because they can’t yet see the bigger picture, but we continue to encourage them and give them advice and guidance as needed and desired. they always have a safe ‘home base’ here.
kinda funnee … when we’re joking around, my oldest will often say, “I have no comment to that because I like living here and I know that as an adult I can be kicked out at anytime!”
A Dad – so far i’ve been able to instill perspective in my daughters, so they’re nothing like that. they don’t even like shopping and have developed a great sense of the value of things and money and savings. and while they have different spending styles, they are both quite frugal.
Keep them off of social networking and teach them some level of accountability. The boy is getting it because he’s a becoming a man, and he has to (there is no option if he wants to participate in life). The girls can get away with slacking off for the next 10 years because nobody cares if women choose to be a wife and mom or astrophysicist (not downplaying one or the other), but it’s going to have an impact on how well they will be able to be either self-sufficient or a good wife and mother because they can’t be great at both.
A Dad – wise advice. neither of my girls are into social media – i’ve really emphasized protecting their privacy and how not doing so could harm them. i’ve done such a great job (paranoid?) that they’ve taken it to heart.
they’ve both seen and experienced a lot of hard stuff up close in their short lives. i’ve forced them to work through all of it even though it’s slowed them on reaching other goals in life.
we’ve talked a lot about TRP and all things related. they’d both like to get married and have kids someday, but they’re both very cautious as they’ve have had and still have lots of negative examples in our family. this is an area where i have to tread carefully. i understand the window of fertility, but i also don’t want to force them where they’re not yet ready to go. however, they both understand that a man with a strong frame would be very attractive and easy to follow, submit to, fall for – but also difficult to find.
my step son is amazing; absolutely love that kid! he and his dad are close, and he has listened to and pondered and internalized advice i’ve passed on that i’ve learned out here – stuff his dad does, but the manosphere articulates it in ways that makes it easy to pass on. he’s super smart and headstrong and determined and willing to work hard. i think he’ll do well in life.
recently he and his mom had a ruffle b/c she was being stupid – typical alpha widow who has long past hit the wall and doesn’t understand why the world doesn’t bow at her feet despite the many times she’s been told the truth. however, she’s not heard it from her son until recently when he flat out told her that the reason she’s alone at night and can’t meet her rent and bills is because of her terrible behavior. i was quite proud of him and told him that he should never let a woman rule him – that he is the man and should always rule over women, including his mother. i could see him internalizing that and pondering over it.
nuggets of truth inserted into their young minds at critical teaching moments – priceless 🙂
I need to clarify what I said. There is nothing wrong with the girls becoming independent, but the other option would be to submit to a man who would be a good provider and husband. It’s a challenge to find middle-ground. The SIW types are going to say that absolute equity is possible but I guarantee that it’s not. I’ve hardly ever seen a happy marriage where the woman was either completely in control or the husband left his wife to make decisions that he should be making. It creates turmoil and resentment.
Middle-ground is nearly impossible on many things. I’m not against women who take on modern roles and have high-powered careers, etc. I’m against women who ignore responsibility to their children to pursue it. It’s selfish and unfair to the children. It’s also become proven that women are less happy now that they are choosing to work full-time AND become mothers, yet SJWs still claim that it’s men who are at fault because they are opting out of equal housework.
To be a wife who submits to her husband has nothing to do with him abusing her or mistreating her, as some would imply, but you already know that. The problem is that it’s a hard lesson to teach because so many young women are being taught to be adversarial, even scheming, towards their husbands. It’s a big colossal shit test. Perhaps the biggest of all.
Your girls don’t have forever to make up their minds. It’s just the unfair reality of things. You can either cast off the bad examples and encourage positive behavior in marriage, or ultimately they are going to have to somehow become self sufficient. Soon as you know it, they will be 30 and may have neither a family of their own nor valuable skills to have a career.
Guys don’t normally have to decide such a thing. Their path is normally set. Check in or check out. Doesn’t mean that they need to have a family but they do need to step up if they want to attract a woman, because women normally don’t go for guys that have absolutely nothing going for them unless they have superb game.
As for social media, I’ve watched it tear down wonderful people. Turn them into lifeless and unmotivated zombies who neglect spouses and children. Facebook is basically crack to women as are video games are to young men.
I was quite proud of him and told him that he should never let a woman rule him – that he is the man and should always rule over women, including his mother
…….
Good girl. The Ton is proud of you. Now go fetch him a beer and a sandwich
Yes sir. Right away, sir 😊
I agree.
Ton – it’s been interesting watching him over the years deal with his mother and his father and me. early on he said to me several times, “Stop being so nice to me. You’re nicer to me than my mother.” we had to work on guilt there. i had to run interference btw him and his mom a few times to calm her down. the first summer we were married her sister died of cancer, and he spent a lot of time with us while she cared for her. it was nothing i wouldn’t do for any kid, but she wouldn’t do it for anyone, so she developed a huge amt of respect for me – even invited me to the funeral to introduce me to all her family. anyway, it’s given me a platform with her that i’ve used sparingly in his best interest over the years. dad had to go over and set her straight many-a-time.
but what he’s also seen is our marriage and my attitude and behavior toward his dad compared to his mother’s. and he sees that although we don’t have much, i am content and happy and respect and honor his dad … and teach my girls to do the same. then he sees her living alone, needing his help with rent, and being a pissy, bitchy woman. there’s one man whom she says would have her, but he’s not good enough for her b/c he won’t expand his life to do the things she wants – and no tellin what the real story is there (i think he’s weird and ewww).
my girls have learned a lot watching me with my husband, seeing how he treats me vs how their dad treated me. i talk to them about all of it – the good and the bad … things i like and things i don’t. i want them to have a very realistic picture of marriage and what it means and what it requires. i don’t always like submitting to him, but i do – and i’ve shared these things with my girls … b/c they need to know they won’t always like or feel like doing what is right.
we’ve had ample opportunity to dissect their dad and his life, and i’ve forced them to see the good as well as the bad. just recently i was able to pull out pics from when we met and dated and married and the years before they were born without anyone getting weepy or falling apart. it was good. healing. instructive and informative.
i’ve worked hard to develop and establish respect with all three of our kids. they know i’ll tell them the truth, even if they don’t want to hear it.
(and my step son already knows how to show up around dinner time 😉 )
So normal is being a parent and teaching your kids lessons and punishing them when they disobey. I’m all for it.
It’s amazing how many parents don’t do that anymore. They are failures as parents.
Yes sir. Right away, sir 😊
……
Don’t forget to curtsey
Earl – It depends. I’m not sure that punishment is normally necessary with certain types of parenting. Obviously somewhat depends upon the environment, parents, perhaps even some level of genetics.
I think that it makes the most sense to be involved in your child’s life. Punishment might be more indicative of how parents are being reactionary to a problem without being involved in the first place.
My experience so far is that my child has hardly needed any punishment beyond understanding repercussions during his most rebellious years (terrible twos, etc.). And it’s never gone beyond “time-out” or loss of privileges and it’s been so long since that’s happened…. Maybe even years now?
He’s tested my patience when he’s not doing what I ask him to do, to which I have to repeat myself and change my voice to a calm, but stern, tone. Then he gets his ass up and does it.
Kids seem to become immune to meaningless threats without action, to physical or verbal abuse, etc. That’s why they are flawed methods of reinforcing rules. They don’t really teach the right way to behave, only that negligence is normal and that cruelty is somehow an acceptable thing that’s justified under circumstances that are determined by an authority figure.
So the flaw is not that the parents are neglecting to punish. It’s that they aren’t involved enough to set reasonable standards for the children, develop a relationship, etc.
The flip side of that – Being an only child presents some challenges in the respect that he doesn’t often experience cruel and “unfair” behavior by others that were not raised the same way. So I think that he doesn’t quite know how to process extremely intense negative interactions, and I’m hoping that he has the tools to deal with it as he gets older. The kid is no pushover but he’s almost “too sweet” at times, and that sorta concerns me because people tend to get meaner and more manipulative as they get older.
‘My experience so far is that my child has hardly needed any punishment beyond understanding repercussions during his most rebellious years (terrible twos, etc.). ‘
If he’s obedient to you…there is no need for punishment.
The point of discipline is if he tries to rebel against his father. He’ll need that because the world won’t be as forgiving as his father if he keeps that rebellion train going into something like school or work.
lol!
a curtsy for Ton … a flash for my Husband 😉 … neither for my Step Son 😉
need to differentiate between discipline and punishment, guiding and training a child.
as A Dad said – need to really know your kid. each personality is different and requires different means.
I would agree punishment doesn’t have to be done in a negative way. Taking away a phone is punishment, or limiting other freedoms. It doesn’t have to be derogatory/abusive/etc. just like patriarchy doesn’t have to be. I established realistic, reasonable, and clear house rules w my girls early. Now I am helping Dancers girl learn them. Stuff like I expect listening, no yelling, no back talk, no disrespect, no lying, etc. dancer was physically punished and often randomly so and as a vent for anger unrelated to her behavior. So “punishment” is scary for her, but she’s learning here that it doesn’t have to be what she experienced or no rules at all (she had a buddy parenting style) it can be reasonable and safe and instructional. She’s getting it!
The daughter volunteered to sign up for homework club one hour a day as her “you choose one” consequence, in addition to losing the phone and being grounded. I thought it was a good choice. I often put it back on the kids to choose one way THEY would do a consequence, in addition to my choices. Sometimes they recommend more than I would have or something interesting like this and of course we will verify she’s there and not just saying she is. The school tracks attendance to it which is good.
Dad disciplined me with a work ethic…he punished me when I tried to rebel against him. I didn’t understand it at the time because I was a punk kid…but it was valuable lessons when I finally got out into the world. Being lazy and trying to rebel against authority all the time is a good way to end up a failure.
these are great, Bloom! you’re a good Mom 🙂
There is a new post at Spawny’s
https://spawnyspace.wordpress.com/2018/02/06/sotu-what-modern-women-want/
I was watching 20/20 a couple months back. Normally not my type of show. However, the story got me hooked. It was about a young girl in high school who met an older boy and they began dating. Yet the signs of abuse soon began to show. He started off with consuming all her time, being jealous, and then violent to finally attempting to stab her to death. It was such an intense show … Her story was horrific… Through it all I kept thinking that the mother had been too lax in allowing the boy in their home, and giving him a second chance. In my opinion, if a father was present, the boy would never gotten so far into this girl’s life. He feared no one … And assumed he owned her.
http://abc.go.com/shows/in-an-instant/episode-guide/season-03/8-the-woman-who-refused-to-die
Folks are different. Personalities are real.
“A rebuke strikes deeper into the heart of a wise man than a thousand blows into a fool.” paraphrase of Proberbs 17:10