My brother is an alcoholic. As in he was once drinking so much and so often that he hallucinated for days and had all sorts of health issues due to trying to quit cold turkey.
In the past ten years he’s been to various rehab programs. As is typical with recovery he will do really well and then relapse, sometimes short term and sometimes full blown.
He’s been doing good for 11 months. Works at the local VA hospital, lives in a home with other men in recovery, goes to meetings. But today, after a seemingly good visit with our mom, he left only to be brought by paramedics back to her house stumble down drunk.
She called me as he was sleeping it off on her couch. What to do? I suggested she get him home, don’t lecture or be all heavy about it in the current state, and then the next day let him know he won’t be meeting her at her house anymore, she will meet him somewhere near his.
She’s suspected for months he was drinking on the sly during his visits. She found empty alcohol containers in the bathroom trash. But she didn’t say, “No, no more here.”
Neither my mom or myself can fix my brother’s issue, only he can take that step, but we can resist enabling it. We can have boundaries of our own to protect ourselves from his alcoholism. We can say, “No, I am not going to go along.”
I hope he won’t lose his housing, which is tied to his being and staying sober.
If he doesn’t, he could well end up one of those guys with a sign on a freeway exit, living under the overpass. God, I hope not.
Today I prayed with my mom that the Lord would ring him with angels of healing, send Raphael himself to tend to his health. And I prayed for my mom and myself that we would be granted the wisdom and strength to know how to help him in ways that will help, not further enable, his illness.
I honestly don’t know a lot about this topic but intend to read up. Our grandfather had the same issue, but was more functional.
I also prayed my brother will eventually not only belp himself but also in turn help others recover themselves.
What do you think? Have you had similar struggles w someone in your family? Please share in the comments.
Notes From a Red Pill Girl 
This is a heavy topic for me. I’ve lost close ones to alcoholic cirrhosis of the liver. Unfortunately, praying didn’t seem to help. It’s hard to try to have a relationship with an alcoholic without enabling. I hope your family’s success with this is better than mine,
i am so sorry to read this.
my father was an alcoholic. too many stories to tell about how bad he was.
in reality the only thing you can do to help them, is nothing. they need to do it themselves.
it is harsh, but you are right about not enabling the behavior. cut the rope with him, and save yourself the agony.
I would say it’s important to listen to them rather than judge. If they are trying to get help and recover, ask them how you can assist them in their process. But try not to hang on to controlling them (which was my mentality). Keep in mind that they have to make the decisions themselves and there’s only so much you can do. I had a lot of guilt thinking that I could have done more. That I could have convinced her to go to in patient recovery. But at the end of the day, they have to want it for themselves. And they have to want it bad enough to pull through. And they must get rid of all temptation, including other friends and family members that drink.
Agreed ash re not judging, my mom is bad about that and it’s basically like saying, “you’ll never be able to.” Far better to encourage and ask how one can be supportive. He was in the military and away for many years. He first moved to my place. I knew he’d been in rehab and thought he was doing well but after he moved in I saw pretty quickly he wasn’t. After a few months I decided I could not support him (he wasn’t working and couldn’t drive bc of losing his license) and was in the process of moving him to a shared recovery home when my mom intervened and asked him to move in w her. He quit drinking (that’s when he had the days of hallucinations, we didn’t realize how dangerous that was at the time or that he should have detoxed w medical supervision) and did well for a year w AA and such. Then another big relapse, inpatient, a group home, did well for a good stretch, then relapse, then inpatient again, then group housing and where we are today. You are right only he can choose it. Only he can see he’s just got to leave it behind entirely. He’s never going to be someone that can have a drink here and there. It’s all or nothing in his brain chemistry. I hope for his own sake and health he will choose nothing.
Fml I am sorry to hear that about your dad. So true they need to do it themselves and no enabling.
disgusting drunk he was. he had gone out to do something with his tractor. his second wife went looking for him an hour later, and found him lying on the ground with an empty bottle of vodka next to him. apparently he hit the only tree in the field, and fell off of the tractor, bottle still in hand. how he didn’t kill himself that day is nothing but dumb luck.
he died of cancer a few years later. no loss…
😪
So heartbraking to read this…. we both have family members ( my husband and I) who are or were, alcoholics or have severe mental disorders 😦 I’m so sorry you’re going through this, Bloom. Very hard to watch someone that close to you, and not really know how to help.
As in all things
the pain of the consequence must become greater than the pleasure of the action
Only then does the behaviour changed.
The immortal question truly guides all one’s actions long term…
“WHAT do you WANT?”
In the end we Do What we Want.
Addiction is the worst form of want.
My sympathies Bloom but You can do nothing really.
It is not your want.
When one is alone, unseen, left to their own morality
What does one do?
THAT is who they are
If you know any policemen at your church, you can ask or pay one of them to keep tabs on your brother. I know this isn’t much, but that’s all I got.
@ gma believe it or not my ex husband (who himself is in sobriety and has been for many years) keeps tabs on him. He and his new wife are both recovering alcoholics so they understand in a way I don’t. My ex is a good man and so is his wife. I wish he’d quit drinking when we were together (he was on the road fml describes at the time) but he didn’t until after we divorced. I am happy he is well now. And he’s proof one can, like horseman says if the pain of continuing is worse than the gain of giving it up. But only the individual can make that choice.
Horseman so true. It’s who we are in the unseen that really shows who one is.
In my brothers case he thinks when unseen he can drink. This makes me think he’s likely quitting (or trying) for others not because he’s decided himself he’s done w it. Initially his job forced him to do rehab. After that didn’t work was when he moved here. I hope he gets it together before he loses his housing
He’s kinda on his last strike there.
I am a rescuer and so it’s very hard for me not to jump in but I know it would not be good for either of us and especially not for my girls.
It is heartbreaking Stephanie. I am sorry you guys have experienced the same. It’s such a helpless feeling but I just have to give it up to God. And keep encouraging him he can and will win.
gosh, I am so very sorry to hear this. alcoholism and other addictions run in both sides of my family, my first husband battled fierce addiction and we lived in his addiction cycles.
the guilt can be harsh for those of us who love them. even if we do everything right, they get to choose.
(((hugs)))
prayers …. for your brother and you and your mom.
a few months before we married, my husband lost both his brother and his best friend both to alcohol/drug addiction within two weeks of each other. so devastating.
As long as there is someone to keep him/force him to be accountable, he should be able to recover.
one more
Bloom
Echos of the houseguest with the contract and Dancer!
What do You Want?
To help
Or
To protect your girls and peace for you?
Sometimes we worry for you.
Horseman I didn’t post it at the time but Dancer’s moved on with her guy and while I have my concerns I wish them well. Maybe someday I will tell the tale, lots of red pull goodness as always. So it’s back to the girls and me. I like it. No more rescuing.
a time and a season for everything. glad the season of peace has come to your home 🙂
What do You Want?
oh.my.gawash!!! LOL!!! that clip!!! bwahahahahaha!!!
conversation with my girls earlier this evening:
Oldest: “No offense, Mom, but if Dad didn’t have his bad side, he’d have been the favorite parent!
Youngest Aspie Girl: “Ye-ep!”
i laughed; we all laughed! it was funny. and it’s true. his dark sides, though, became so much more powerful and pronounced than his good – his addictions and bitterness having rooted deep in his soul and permeated his whole being.
but, gosh, when he was in the good place in his cycle, he was … amazing.
so tragic how he allowed the darkness to passively grow and seep into every crevice of who he was. when my girls and i talk about his life, we often define it as a tragedy. he had so much going for him. he had every opportunity to get help. but he spit in the face of all of it and refused to do the work.
it is hard not to wonder what else i could have done … if i could have tried this, or that, or done something more or better or not at all.
Oldest is working on a degree in business; she’ll do very well. her dad had a brilliant business mind. i edit her papers for her, and i lament him not being here to experience this with her – their minds are so much alike.
he missed out on soooooooo much. all three of us would have (and did) give everything for him. but it wasn’t enough.
addiction is hell.
Indeed Ame. Addiction is hell. 😦 My brother is highly intelligent, way more than myself. My grandfather was the same. Sometimes I wonder if being so smart and aware of what others don’t see plays a role in trying to numb it out. Hard to say. Sad to see. Sad how much it takes from all involved.
As are personality disorders, sad, not sure if he had those too but if so the self sabatoge and other sabatoge makes absolutely no sense but it’s like they can’t help but burn it all down. Most come from deep trauma very early. A parent, babysitter, who knows. The years between birth and five are so much more formative than most realize. Again, sad.
Some triumph, some do not. I do not know what or why that is. I don’t think as much as anyone tries to fix it or do some magic something, it’s possible. But I get how easy it is to wonder, “could I have done something, anything, more?” One can torture them self w this… but it changes nothing. Perhaps we should agree not to do that to ourselves, just as we would never encourage the other to do so? It’s hard, I get it…
Would not encourage each other I mean.
I can’t imagine saying, “gosh Ame, why didn’t you do more? It’s all your fault! You should have just KNOWN how to make it all somehow magically go right.” Yet I will say so to myself, not just about my brother. See how wack we can be to ourselves? And again it changes nothing, helps nothing, fixes nothing. Let’s not do it to ourselves, just as we would never say such to each other. 🙂
In the end we cannot make other’s choices, or make them choose what we wish they would. Only they can make the choices.
you’re right, Bloom. thanks for calling me out on it. i am too hard on myself often, and it just drags me down. i try to remember that it’s okay and good to live like Ton does – not giving that stupid stuff space in my brain 🙂
@ Ame, I was calling myself out more than you, to be honest. I do that to myself all the time… Maybe it’s an infp thing, we kinda naturally go there, so deeply we feel everyone and everything around us? If we could fix it I know we would in a heartbeat. But we’re neither to blame for nor are we able to fix what others choose. We can only choose for and fix ourselves.
Boundaries and a fully developed sense of individual responsibility goes a long way toward a happy’ish life
Sunrise Hoodie just posted a great MGTOW video on Youtube about the boyfriend as court jester. Boredom is the home-wrecker of today’s world. A woman won’t keep a man around unless he is constantly offering new trinkets, new trips, new friends, and excitement. Last night I was going to plan out that $5000 vacation for my girlfriend, but instead I went to my Alcoholics Anonymous Wednesday night Big Book study because my twenty-five years of sobriety is contingent upon the maintenance of my spiritual condition. Oh, wait. I don’t have a girlfriend and can’t even get a date in this town because I am a boring loser. My bad.
Roger Blakely,
https://spawnyspace.wordpress.com/2018/03/08/dancing-monkey/
thanks, farmboy. that was a good post about how men have to entertain women on a constant basis.
@ Ton very true, Happish is a good term and a good goal, much preferable to miseryish. Misery w occasional breaks of almost happish is no way to live, but it’s often exactly the result of poor boundaries and blaming others.
I am not in any way offended, Bloom 😋
I think content is the more realistic goal for most people
I think content is the more realistic goal for most people
contentment is probably the hardest because it must be learned … which requires a willingness to work to learn it … which means one is responsible for their own contentment.
if one’s goal is happiness they often expect others to provide it for them. also, for those whose goal is happiness, they would see contentment as a step down and not as worthy a goal.
contentment does not equal complacency.
Got to be happy with what you have. When things were not going well I had to be villigant to give the Almighty thanks for what I still had vs being pissy about what I lost/ had not yet achieved
another example/reason why we respect you so much, Ton.
in my mind i see it as being content with what i have. i’m cautious using the word ‘happy.’ however, this is the second time in a week i’ve been confronted with ‘happy.’ perhaps i need to ponder this some 🙂
I am mostly content. Say 80% of the day. I have many moments of happiness through out the day but would not say I am happy 80% of the time.
a lot of my struggle with happiness is guilt … feeling guilty for being happy. sick, huh.
—
thank you for your transparency and honesty; you are a man of honor, Ton, and worthy of respect.
LOL I am just a dude. Sexier then most, and way more humble 😉 but a mixed bag of good and bad like the most of men
🙂
that’s what all the great ones say 🙂
– – –
the best of the best just are … they can’t always define why they are, and they don’t always see it themselves b/c they are able to honestly and humbly see the parts of them no one else does, and therefore they know their own humanity.
the ones who constantly have to defend themselves (and often do so with bitterness and blame in some form or another) are the ones who can’t be honest with themselves.
i especially faced this with teachers in the public school system. the great ones didn’t get why they were so great, but they were. the bad ones were always having to defend themselves and cast blame somewhere else for their idiotic behavior.
it’s everywhere in humanity. it’s why you focus on being good at being a man rather than being a good man. the distinction is clear and yet almost indescribable at the same time. be good at being a person rather than simply being a good person.
I used to be a drug addict. I was hooked on benzodiacepines from 1999 to 2002. I didn´t realize I was a drug addict since it was prescription drugs. But I was. One day I decided it was time to quit. And I did: I locked myself at home for one week and I had a terrible cold turkey. It seems the cold turkey from benzo is the worst. Or so they say.
Once I overcame the cold turkey I decide to go to Narcotic Anonymous. It helped for a while but after 3 months I realized I didn´t need NA anymore. People there were non stop self pitying and talking over drugs like it was the centre of their lives. Benzos wasn´t the centre of my life at all, they were just a side problem. So I stopped going to NA. And it was not a mistake. The right opposite.
I didn´t relapse since them. Today, if I feel anxious or with insomnia (which was the cause of starting taking benzos) I take melatonin with GABA. It rocks!
My 2 cents: I think your brother has to overcome cold turkey (better with medical support) and then maybe not being too much in AA, NA and that kind of groups. They can be pretty toxic. My opinion. The best thing is to get an open air job, hiking in the countryside, hitting the gym, learning a new language (now it is easy with the Internet).
People there were non stop self pitying and talking over drugs like it was the centre of their lives.
……..
Was told the same basic thing about AA but apparently you arent allowed to criticize AA.
I had a serious alcohol problem from my late teens to my early thirties.
Being drunk is a form of escape. I had issues from my abusive upbringing and using alcohol to craft an alternative reality allowed me to (temporarily) leave that behind.
Many people warned me about my situation but my reaction was “not a problem, who am I harming but myself”. When you have deep-seated low self esteem, caring about yourself isn’t a priority. You aren’t worth much.
No-one can tell you to reform as they are all outsiders to the new reality that you have created. Their (external) perception of the situation is completely different to yours. They don’t understand. Their advice is not valid.
I eventually decided (and it could only ever have been my decision) that I didn’t want the rest of my life to be that way. I tried to stop drinking.
What followed was the most nightmarish period of my life. It was terrifying to discover that I was not in control of my actions. While my conscious mind would be screaming not to, my body continued drinking. The worst experiences were when my body was obtaining booze and I was powerless to stop myself. Only someone who shares that experience will understand.
Fortunately, I’m a very arrogant person and I considered it an affront to my “gifted” IQ that my intellect was unable to control my actions. I decide that I was going to fight and win. It was a matter of pride.
Every day was a battle but the trick was just to keep fighting. Early days were more failure than success. As time went on, success became more common. Eventually, failures were rare. I kept a log of every day I drank and every day I didn’t. The day came where I hadn’t drunk for a month and I realised that I was there.
That was over twenty years ago and I have not had a single drop of alcohol since. I don’t consider myself to be in any way “at risk”, it’s just that alcohol isn’t a part of my life any more and I don’t want it to be.
The lessons I learned were these:
1/ There is a battle going on between the conscious and the sub-conscious. The conscious mind is making decisions which are being overruled by the sub-conscious. The sub-conscious is in control.
2/ The battle is NOT with booze, it is with the sub-conscious.
3/ No amount of intellectualising is going to help, until you understand who your enemy is.
4/ No-one who has not experienced this is going to understand. They will focus on why you want to drink. What they should be asking is why your sub-conscious wants to escape reality and, more importantly, why your conscious mind isn’t in control.
5/ Your sub-conscious doesn’t care about your well-being. It just cares about what feels good at the time.
Anyway, that’s my experience. I’ll be happy if it helps in any way.
You’re well educated on the topic. It’s not about the addiction, it’s about the pain. And the origin is childhood trauma. You mention your brothers intelligence. That’s a feature of Bipolar, which exasperates everything when you’re in active alcoholism. Getting professional help does help overall. Your ex can help him the most.
A quick update, when he returned home, the drinking was noticed and so my brother is now back in rehab for a few weeks, then will go on to another transitional program, then will move back into his group housing. He doesn’t have access to phone or anything so I don’t know exactly how he is doing but I hope he’s well. I feel for all who struggle with this and all of your insights and stories have been very helpful.
Alcohol has been a huge factor in many of my family’s problems too. Mainly my parent’s generation, I think my generation learned from them what not to do. My dad used to be a violent drunk, and although he’s calmed down nowadays the years of abuse have certainly taken a toll on his health now. My uncle still drinks too much and has lost his whole family to it, and my mother, dear old mother, as well as being addicted to both crack and heroin, she still continues to drink even though it has almost killed her the amount she’s poisened her body with it over the years.
Alcohol can destroy families, the best advice I can offer is to keep supporting your brother and not lose hope. Sometimes people can be helped and sometimes they just can’t find the strength, but whatever the outcome and whether they realise it or not, if you stick by their side through it all it makes the whole ordeal a whole lot better than it would be if they had nobody to help them through it. Stay strong.
Thank you for sharing that Hawk. So true, I don’t want to enable, but I do want to be there for my brother. It’s a tough line to walk, but I believe it can be done. I hope he does put it together, for him. He’s never married, no kids a vet, saw a lot maybe too much in service. He lived w me for a bit after being gone for 20 years in the military and then civil service. I knew he had been in rehab but after arriving I could see quickly see he was not still in recovery. After several months I could see him being at my place was not helping him (he was drunk all the time but was so good sat hiding it I did not realize how much.) before he ever moved here I made it clear my rule was so long as it’s healthy, Bc I have two kids and so that’s just got to be the way it is. When I saw it wasn’t healthy, for him or us, I called that card. I had lined up a spot at a recovery home but he moved in w our mom instead. That’s when he went thru the DTs and we realized how bad it really was. He was sober for almost a year then fell off again. Went to rehab, moved into the recovery home. He’s done about 9-11 months sobriety twice, then the cycle twice since. I am hoping things click this time but I also know it’s a cycle and so we will see. I love him and know he is a good person. I tell him all the time I believe in him and know he will figure it out. Anyway… yeah… addiction sucks but I agree, everybody needs people who don’t and won’t give up on them. Thanks for your encouraging thoughts and I wish you and yours the best in this battle too!
Good news, my brothers doctor has agreed to let him try The Sinclair Method, a new approach to treating alcoholism based on research in Europe. This new treatment method has a nearly 80% success rate but is not widely used in the US yet, so I am happy my brothers Dr. was open to it. He is also undergoing treatment for PTSD, which I believe was also contributing to his using alcohol to numb out and shut his brain off. I sure hope they help! Read more about The Sinclair Method here: https://www.addiction.com/expert-blogs/why-isnt-the-sinclair-method-used-more-often/
oh, Bloom! hope is a powerful thing, isn’t it 🙂
may God be all over and in and through and around this process for your brother and family … and may it be enough.
– – –
is your daughter’s dad still doing well?
Thank you Ame! I hope this new treatment will provide a solution abstinence alone has not.
My oldest’s dad Is doing awesome, both with his sobriety and recovery from his accident a little over a year ago. A walking miracle! They predicted at the time he would be a veg but I told his wife then, “nah he’s a Viking and has a very thick skull!” 🙂
https://addictedfitnessblog.wordpress.com/
Started writing about addiction
Hope you like it 😀
Every thing can be reversed…..it’s a mental game.
I’m the addict in my family. The “black sheep,” if you will.
I promise it’s just as hard for us addicts as it is for those of you who suffer at our expense. We don’t mean to hurt you, I promise.
I’ve been in and out of rehabs and mental hospitals since I was 17.
I’m 21 now as of a month ago.
I got sober last summer on July 4th after I ran my car into a church on July 3rd. I like to say that my subconscious was trying to repent because humor is the only coping mechanism I have now aside from cigarettes lmao
If I can do this sobriety shit, your brother can lil mama
My point is: recovery is possible. Don’t lose hope. Hit an Al Anon meeting and be as supportive as you possibly can. I hope he gets better.
If you ever wanna talk, my twitter handles are @lalalaurenmun0z and @hurlwinds!
I have been sober for several years now and I understand the pain and humiliation that goes with addiction. In my case, I have a physical allergy to alcohol and it is the first drink that sets off the craving…problem is AA always said “Dont drink no matter what.” which does not mean much when you want to crawl out of your skin and scratch the memories of the past from your brain-literally. It was a hell of a journey to find out how to live happy and free without needing an outside substance to function. From the top of the runway to the bottom of the bottle I have begun posting chapters of my journey and if anybody reads this I hope I can share experience, entertain, and evoke self reflection. I find hope in the idea that some of my greatest pain can make someone else not feel alone.