A couple I know who have been married for 30-some years are a great example of how it pays to stick it out in marriage rather than frivorce.
He works for a large international shipping company and has for most of his career. He gets up at 4 a.m. to go to work and spends his day scheduling and overseeing the routes of some 300 trucks. It’s not a glamorous job but he makes a good living, has a solid pension building, and has provided well for his family.
She was a stay at home mom until her children were grown, focused on their care and education. She helped out in the schools, occasionally working as an aide. After her children were off to college she started substitute teaching, found she had a special affinity for working with visually impaired children, and now she’s got a great job working in this niche. She reversed the more typical career then kids path, and it’s worked out well.
Despite having average income, they have slowly and steadily built a solid base and are financially set with a beautiful home and no worries. They have avoided debt and the stress it can bring. Now they have the ability to travel and enjoy life, thanks to their approach.
They have three grown children who love and adore their parents. All have completed college and are gainfully employed in their career fields. Two are now married, but no children yet. All the kids consider the parents home the central gathering place for special occasions, and they often have all family gatherings on weekends as well. As the clan grows I can see their gatherings becoming a close knit, multi-generational affair.
Two years ago the wife was diagnosed with breast cancer. It was in the early stages fortunately, but in order to reduce the risk that it might come back she decided to have a full double mastectomy. Her loving husband and children have been right there for her through the medical ordeal, and continue to be as she’s had a few setbacks with related complications from the surgery and reconstruction.
Theirs is a good marriage, dedicated, loving, and supportive. The couple puts their union first over themselves in a mature and healthy way and are devoted to their Catholic faith. They are young and vivacious for their age, an attractive pair. They look at each other with respect and love, so touching to see.
As she told me of her medical struggles it occurred to me how fortunate she was to have her husband and children’s support through that tough time. And how that’s a big perk of being 30 years in, of having built that solid platform for herself by building it for her family.
It’s rare to see these days but so comforting when one does. In a society where everything is disposable, something that lasts seems all the more precious.
Choosing and marrying well and sticking it out may not be the most common path today, but it’s the one I would recommend. I hope my daughters take this path and enjoy the lifetime of happiness it creates.
Nice post … and while you probably don’t think this … most men feel the same.
Glad to hear about your friend … nice to know that Unicorns still exist.
Agreed Mega, I think a lot of guys would prefer this outcome, too!
Women (and men) who fear the Lord do exist. That’s why I don’t lump the whole sex as terrible. It’s amazing what a woman can do with faith and sticking with God and her husband over going the route of the world which divides and leads to destruction. Let’s face it…women are going to get a lot of bad advice to divide because of a situation that needs God to get involved.
That’s why success stories need to be highlighted. We get enough of what happens when the opposite route is shown.
“I hope my daughters take this path and enjoy the lifetime of happiness it creates.”
I hope the same for my nieces, but I can already see it won’t pan out that way. Their parents are stubbornly pushing the college and career on them. Plus they already got bitten by the feminist bug at school via teachers and peers..
Agreed Earl. I am sure her faith had much to do with her choices. And like I have said so many times, when people follow Gods advice look what happens! They avoid much pain and sadness and have good happy lives! You would think such an approach would be more popular, but I guess it’s our willful natures that lead us to believe we know or can do better, which inevitably leads to needless pain and suffering. Ironic!
@ gal so true, even I can remember being very young, maybe 2nd grade, and already knew that when the teacher asked, “what do you want to be when you grow up?” That wife or mom was not an answer that was “acceptable” in the teachrr’s eyes. Back thenas a girl it was nurse or teacher or if you really wanted kudos president! I am sure there is even less support for a wife and mom path today. So even if one tries at home, outside forces start early with the career and education over marriage and kids route. But as this gal shows, if a womN has kids first then a career there is still plenty of time for that, and it happens as the husband maybe wants to start slowing down so it makes for a nice transition in that way too!
Oops, gla I mean! Darn autocorrect! Lol
“It’s rare to see these days but so comforting when one does. In a society where everything is disposable, something that lasts seems all the more precious.
Choosing and marrying well and sticking it out may not be the most common path today, but it’s the one I would recommend”
Yes, like those quiet somber moments when you realize you are looking at a relic of a long bygone era. You wonder what life was like when this was a common practice like some kid reading a world history book or browsing through a museum.
I was very close to my father. When he died my wife was a great source of comfort, support, and strength.
Glad to hear that they have a good life.
This assumes that the husband has a high enough paying job to support the family on his one income. At least, one where he doesn’t have to work 50+ hours a week because then he’s going to be that absent husband/father which is cause for a lot of marital issues as well.
The truth is, a lot of men aren’t making enough to do that, so wife goes to work too.
On a much lighter note, this where I got my moniker from;
Caution, you will lose brain cells if you watch this so watch at your own risk. 🙂
True Ash, this couple is likely about 10 years or so older than myself, so I am guessing maybe the two income family wasn’t common/necessary when they married but became more so with time? I May bring it up next time I see them if I can slip it in.
The debate of whether two incomes are needed continues today. It is possible for moms to stay home but often means choosing a different lifestyle than others, such as driving older paid off cars vs. having car payments, making over or making do rather than always buying the latest new thing, living in a modest home vs a “keeping up with the Jones’s” one, or living in a rural or less expensive area vs a hip part of the city, don’t go out to eat or spend on optional stuff, etc. this couple had three children relatively close in age, in such a case the childcare cost alone ($800-1600 per child per month, depending on age) makes one parent staying home more cost effective than both working. Some families are lucky enough to have extended family like grandparents willing to help with expenses or childcare. Some stay at home parents still have a 2nd income by watching other’s children or doing some type of from home or side work. But yes it’s not easy, and less so thanks to increasing cost of living while wages have stayed flat or even decreased over the past 10-15 years. It can be done, but it takes creativity and thrift for sure. It was likely more easily done in generations past, when people had one car per family, smaller homes, better benefits and such at work, etc.
And in some cases today dad stays home if mom has the job with better wages or benefits. So it’s not just moms, although the stay at home dads I know irl do say there’s still a lot of stigma and lack of acceptance of dad staying home than mom.
Some couples I know both work but stagger their shifts or hours so one is always home. The drawback there is they don’t get much time together but for a few years it’s doable if everyone is in agreement and can keep their eyes on the prize.
Having kids in general means big lifestyle changes and self sacrifice from both parents in different ways, especially in the pre school years. Even with money there’s no getting around that. However if done well the “investment” in the next generation in turn provides security and support for the parents as they age and have medical needs (like this couples kids helped w mom’s cancer treatment and recovery, for example.)
@ gla I am torn, I want to watch but am running short on brain cells lol. I can’t decide!
I often joke I was born w 64 bit and my memory banks are full. My kids are like sponges, easily picking up new technology and such. I feel like I am turning into my mom when I hand them my phone or whatever to get it to work. Sad! But true…
I’ve never owned a cell phone. Most likely never will. I don’t like electronic leashes. Plus the 5G network is cancer causing. Land lines are still superior in sound quality and don’t emit radiation.
I guess it all boils down to picking your poison.
There is a new post at Spawny’s
https://spawnyspace.wordpress.com/2018/04/17/swst-puppet-master/
I often joke I was born w 64 bit and my memory banks are full. My kids are like sponges, easily picking up new technology and such. I feel like I am turning into my mom when I hand them my phone or whatever to get it to work. Sad! But true…
i.am.so.with.you!!!
i swear sometimes that if technology changes one more time, my brain will explode!
i have several friends like this, Bloom. we all married around the same time … 30+ years ago, and they’re still going strong. faithful. steadfast. raised their children well … children who have completed college/ are in college / married / getting married … all making solid life choices. they are beginning to enjoy their first grandchildren. life has had hills and valleys, but they’ve stuck in there, together.
i’ve shared with some of them that they will never know what all that hard work, sticking it out, staying in when they wanted a seemingly easier way out … that they’d never know how powerful that was … and that is a good thing.
there’s so much loss with divorce, and they’ll never have to know.
related to OP and will help grow some brain cells back if you watched video above;
😉
So true Ame! And they are blessed NOT to know, as are their kids.
Whenever I date ‘exotically’, I don’t feel those relationships could handle the strain of job loss or health issue. That’s the burden of proof, would you stay if your partner was sick or broke? A dual income-no kids relationship has no foundation other than hedonism and selfishness and will crumble under the slightest strain.
I have a couple of friends, typically slightly older than myself or the couple mentioned here, who have done thing. Dad works, mom has kids early then goes to work once they are out of the house for the purposes of improving their retirement/medical/old age lifestyle.
Done intelligently, like if the wife spends some of that at-home time preparing for her future career, it really works well. Of course it’s particularly beneficial if the guy works an old school masculine job where he may get hurt or be less capable as he ages. It’s just good logical planning, a sort of logic that seems to have vanished these days, and if timed right the couple is still plenty young to enjoy their lives after having kids a great deal.
An additional benefit; lots of time to spend with adult children who have matured to become peers and even more time to spend with grand kids while still able to keep up with them.
Viewed from a distance (I’m in my 50s and single) having a number of kids and at least a coupe of grandparents around is ideal. The kids do some of the parenting for one and other and the grandparents help too. It’s counter intuitive but one or two kids may be more work (especially if both parents are working) than four kids with the grandparents helping out. Past generations, going back aeons, are full of parents who worked, usually farming, and a passel of kids who took care of each other under the supervision of grandparents who were too old to do the really hard labor the parents were doing. It got us this far.
I think a lot of this, RPG, depends on the age at which people meet as well. I honestly just can’t see myself doing this and forming that kind of bond with a woman significantly over 30 … and I am nearing 40 myself.
That kind of bond requires a sort of innocence.
@Alan said: “Past generations, going back aeons, are full of parents who worked, usually farming, and a passel of kids who took care of each other under the supervision of grandparents who were too old to do the really hard labor the parents were doing. It got us this far.”
That is still going on in Los Angeles in various forms (except for the farming part). Many old-world families (including many of my neighbors) have a tradition of booting out the younger kids at the appropriate time, but keeping the oldest son (I’m discussing legal immigrants here). Oldest son marries and starts a family in the parents home. The grandparents stay home (now retired) and look after the children while oldest son – and often his wife – go off to work. Entire family (younger kids who have left, and their families) usually gets together at least one week-end a month for a large dinner and social time. Old-world values and native tongue get passed down in this way, in spite of the kids and grandkids being fully immersed in the local public schools. In this manner we end up with successive generations of kids who know both the culture of the new country (here) and the culture of the old country as taught by the oldsters in the family.
Well 17+ years in and I can say it has been worth it so far. I don’t know what challenges are coming our way, but I hope that when we hit 30 years, we can look at each other and say ‘glad we have been in this together’.
Alan K…”Dad works, mom has kids early then goes to work once they are out of the house”….I know several women who have worked, hard and successfully, in their 20s & some into their early 30s, then cut back to part-time or less after having kids. Seems generally to work out well. Of course, this strategy is NOT compatible with the everyone-must-get-an-advanced-degree theory.
Copperfox said “That kind of bond requires a sort of innocence.”
Agreed.
Y’all know my story of met at 16, apart in college, remet and married at 24.
Now married for 30 this fall.
Part of it is we grew, for good and bad and nasty and better…
Together.
My adult jaded self would never have put up with the inevitable bullshit and missed the good stuff.
Only the young can jump into it believing because They Dont Know Better.
I watch the old 80s romcons thru redpill glasses and scream Run! Five minutes in.
But then it was stupid belief in those that let me risk getting married.
I did the math here a while ago.
Ontario daycare is median 1200 a month so 2400 for a toddler and a four year old.
Thats 28800 a year. At the lowest tax bracket of 25% thats 36000 gross.
Before work clothes, gas, second car etc.
So for the second parent to work rather than stay home just chop 40k of their salary.
And that is Median!! Some are a lot more.
How does this even begin to make financial sense??
After the kids are in grade 5, can be alone after school…sure go to work.
Absolutely Alan! Dr. Christine Northrop writes about this “changing of the guard” idea in her really wise book about menopause. She asserts (scientifically not socially) that a woman puts behind reproductive years for a career right around when men want to put away years of working for increased home time. It can be a very natural transition. I also agree that the multi generational model of old, as well as the counterintuitive that more kids may be easier than less, are wisdoms worth reexamining as a possible solution to the cray cray we find ourselves doing today.
That is true copper fox, I do think this model is not always possible. I have a never married, no midsmale friend who at 47 is desperate to have
… to have children all of a sudden. Yes it’s possible, but I really worry for him as he has not even got a partner yet and gosh that could go all sorts of wrong w the wrong match, as we all know. Perhaps there are windows that pass… if things don’t happen in a certain way maybe accepting it’s not meant to be is better than trying to apply what may have worked at 27 to when one is 47? Not that people have not successfully done it but…
@ David I have seen this too and even did it somewhat myself but the thing is once a gal has career momentum going, breaking that can often lead to an experience gap that leaves her effectively starting over anyway, vs getting her ahead. Hard to say… there is no perfect one path fits all….
@RPG: I think what is important is that people are cognizant that our goals should change as we age. What is realistic at 20 is probably no longer realistic at 40. I think the biggest crime of feminism is teaching women that they can wait till 35 and get married and have the exact same life as if they had partnered up with a solid man at 22 or whatever.
It’s all about having realistic goals, and accepting that. But also having society communicate that information honestly so people can make good decisions for themselves. Rather than based on delusions.
So true Copperfox. Women are not only told things can be the same at 35 as 22, but that waiting will make everything better. That there are no downsides to the 35 plan, while the 22 plan is painted as “wasting ones potential.”
RPG I don’t think that you are a redpill woman. You are a Tradcon with occasional redpill thoughts. We’re not going back to the 1950s. The fifties weren’t as golden as people fondly belief there was widespread juvenile delinquency and a great deal of racial tension. Only in America did people have a booming economy because Europe was still recovering from the war and America has very little international competition. Here in Britain the late 40’s and early 50’s have become known to historians as ‘The Austerity Years’ as many things were still on ration of simply not available. Men today find themselves often incapable of earning a wage/salary to support a wife and children. As for Christianity that religion has long been moribund here in Great Britain. It is largely a religion for old ladies and cranks. I know things are different in America but Christianity is circling the drain here and in most of Europe. The First World War with its senseless slaughter on an industrial scale holed Christianity below the water line. knitting
Your present this couple as something we all could be like if we just stopped being so silly and irresponsible. I am sure many people would emulate this couple of they could but they can’t for a number of plausible reasons. It is not due to a character defect that most people aren’t living the “Leave it to Beaver” lifestyle today. The economic and social situation what with zero hour contracts and people being given less hours at work than they need. We can’t go back in time to the 50s because we no longer have any sort of job stability. Lose your job today and you may never work again is a real fear for many people these days.
Hi Stephanie G, thanks for commenting. I can see what you are saying, there are a lot of forces in play today that we’re not when this couple started out. I
Oh I meant to add that here in Britain they are making policemen redundant! 10 years ago that would have been unthinkable. They are even laying off accountants here. So nobody here should be smug and think that they’ll never be made redundant if it can happen to police officers then it most certainly can happen to you!
Apologies for the errors in my above post. Autocorrect is very zealous about changing words
… Oops pushed send too soon. I too see this very real fear with jobs and such today. Scary times indeed. Thank you for adding that! I hope times will improve but it may be wishful thinking.
I had a good friend from England who married an American in the early 90s and moved to my area. I remember her saying that marriage had largely gone out of favor in the UK and it was a shocking thought to me then. I think the same is happening now in the US, we were just a decade or two behind. I worry for young people today, facing so much both financially and socially. Every now and then I still see a young couple take this path but it’s become the exception, not the rule. True.
So this NYT article ended up in my Facebook feed. https://www.nytimes.com/2018/04/06/style/modern-love-sleeping-with-married-men-infidelity.html. It is a forty-nine-year-old woman who got on Tinder for casual sex. She ended up hooking up with several married men. What she found out was that their wives were no longer interested in having sex with them. Since female solipsism and victim-hood is what it is and woman can take responsibility for nothing, even the author blamed the men. It was the men’s fault for not being brave enough to face the reality that their wives didn’t love them anymore or want sex from them anymore. The article was interesting to me because I cannot get a fifty-year-old woman to give me the time of day. So I did a Google search to see what other people were saying about the article. Google picked up virtually nothing. Guess what? No one cares that women stop being interested in sex with their husbands after the age of forty-five. Suck it up, cupcake.
Stephanie G: I’ve run across quite a few people who have found ways to make lives very much like RPG is discussing possible. Generally they do so with a level of family co-operation and setting their sights on a lot more reasonable goals than the modern myth sells you on. Here in the US it is common for religious communities to increase the likelihood of an older style model but it’s not just Protestants and Catholics, I’ve seen it in Orthodox, Jewish, Hindu, Sikh and, of course, LDS communities too. I think that the emphasis on families as an economic unit plus the elevation of more spiritual goals than just working to the top of the corporate structure enable this. It’s not that they are all dedicated to their spirituality, most aren’t that serious, but that goal of having a supposedly “modern” lifestyle is just slightly interrupted or re-purposed by the spiritual and family agenda.
It is completely true that a lifestyle where one parent is the sole bread winner is rare these days but it was rare before WWII also. For the masses the “Leave it to Beaver Dream’ only lasted a generation or so. We shouldn’t ever take it too seriously. Prior to the war survival and improvement often had to do with the majority of the population living the way you see successful immigrants living today, in humble circumstances, working hard, investing in the next generation … who will, hopefully, take their improved status and help their parents and grandparents when the time comes. It only gets out of whack when we start thinking we’re ‘the end of history.’
copperfox3c
1d ago
I think a lot of this, RPG, depends on the age at which people meet as well. I honestly just can’t see myself doing this and forming that kind of bond with a woman significantly over 30 … and I am nearing 40 myself.
That kind of bond requires a sort of innocence.
i absolutely agree. i loved meeting my first husband when i was 19 and getting married when i was 21. i lament it did not work out, but we had a bond that cannot be duplicated ever again. even with my second husband … it’s not the same, and it never will be.
goFigure – congratulations! may you and your Beloved share a whole lifetime together and never ever know what it’s like not to.
Horseman – may you and your Beloved continue to share long lives together. i’m thankful she made the right choice during that dark year.
Love this post. Thanks for sharing! Having a solid marriage and putting your spousal love above everything else proves to be key in a lasting relationship. My husband and I have only been married 6 years and it has been a blessing. Sending hugs 🙂