Tags
burnout, modern parenting, mother's day, parenting, red pill, SAHM, stay at home mom, working moms
As regular commenter Stephanie recently wrote, as Mother’s Day approaches, she’s seeing more and more posts on social media bemoaning being a mom.
It’s a common phrase, “Being a mom is hard.” And for sure, there can be hard moments. But if you find yourself feeling it’s hard most of the time, chances are you may be a burned out mommy.
Many times it isn’t the mom part, as much as it is being spread too thin otherwise. Take a look at your schedule, are there some things on it that you feel you “have” to do when really they could be optional? Ask what you could pare back to take some of the pressure off.
If you are a working mom, chances are that alone may be pushing you over the edge. Over the past few generations it has become the norm that most moms are also working moms. Basically that’s like working two jobs. No wonder these moms are so stressed out! If this sounds all to familiar, it might be time to reexamine. Before you say you can’t afford it, ask yourself what it is costing you, your kids, and your relationship to continue. Could you work less? Cut back on expenses? There are many articles on this topic online, and you might be amazed to find after you subtract out what it’s costing you to be a working mom, you aren’t really earning as much money as you thought. In any case, this is not meant to add guilt. Rather it’s meant to relieve it — maybe it’s not YOU, maybe it’s that you are trying to do too much?
Likewise, things like extracirricular activities and sports can be the straw that breaks the camel’s back. You may feel like your kids NEED to do these things, but I would bet they would rather not do so much if that meant having more quality time with you and a happier, less stressed out mom! When such activities aren’t fun anymore, it may be a sign to take a break.
Maybe you are a stay at home mom? In this case, one reason I see moms getting burned out is because they spend TOO much time at home. If this is the case, look into low cost kid-friendly activities in your area. Getting out of the house to go to story time at the library or the local park doesn’t cost anything, but it helps break up monotony and not only gets your kids around other kids, you’ll find yourself meeting new people who you might share common interests with. Sometimes just packing up cranky kids and going for a drive can be enough to snap everyone out of a bad mood. At the time it may seem like more work, but trust me it’s often a lot easier than staying home with stir crazy kiddos.
One more possible cause of mommy burnout can be a lack of planning. If you find yourself living in reaction to the day rather than feeling in control of it, this may be the cause. Sitting down once a week to map out meals, a few craft or play projects, some outings, as well as the things that need to get done like shopping and things around the house can help tame an unmanageable schedule. Knowing where your day is going right from the start can take a lot of stress off and help make sure all that needs to get done is, and that there is time allotted to do so.
Likewise, remember to take time to nurture yourself. Practice good self care: Eat well, get enough rest, make sure you are moving, and do little things you love to refuel your energy tanks so you can in turn nurture others.
In the end, while it may not feel like it at the time, the years your children are living at home will pass quickly. And those years will never come again. Fill them with fun times, happy memories, joy, and play. Not only will you find more days being happy mother days, you’ll be giving your kids a gift that will pay off for life — a happy childhood.
What do you think? Do you have any suggestions or insights on coping with mommy burnout? Found ideas that worked for you? Seen other people do something different that worked well? Please share in the comments!
‘Before you say you can’t afford it, ask yourself what it is costing you, your kids, and your relationship to continue. Could you work less? Cut back on expenses?’
This is assuming she’s married and her husband already has a job.
Look to see how much outsourcing your kids to daycare compares to what you get in a salary. From what I’ve heard daycare isn’t cheap…and often the mother working doesn’t make enough money to overcome what goes into daycare. This is the logical part of my thinking as to why it’s probably not worth it on top of the fact you never get that time back with your kids when they are that young.
i think you nailed it! 🙂
I think it’s driven, in part, by let down
Chicks think it’s going to be all cuddles, coo’ing and cute outfits when it’s mostly lost sleep, sore nipples, crying baby and shitty diapers.
Sort of like how women are set up for failure with unrealistic expectations about men and marriage
Then like you said, women try to do way to much. Which I understand because the world is more competive then ever before and our kids will inherit an even more competive world
True Earl, if the situation is such a mom has to work, of course you do what you need to do. But if it’s optional or a wash bc of childcare, worth considering alternate options…
Then like you said, women try to do way to much. Which I understand because the world is more competive then ever before and our kids will inherit an even more competive world
and women are mean about this kind of competition among one another over who can do more and better and has the best kid doing the best thing at the earliest age. women can easily become our own worst enemies … which is why choosing a really good man to have those babies with, who can set us straight … and then choose to listen to him and believe him over the squawking moms, is really really important. – hypergamy at its best.
That’s so true Ton, lots of moms picture all the warm fuzzy moments when baby is on the way but really those first few years are really intense. I remember thinking at one point maybe the dogsled race across Alaska might be easier! Here I had managed groups to 10+ people to victory at work but an 8 pound baby took me to my knees. It’s humbling! And it’s normal. Too bad more people don’t talk about that bc really I think women should know that’s not a fail. Even now I hold someone else’s baby and think, “why did this seem so hard?” But w no sleep and hormones all over and a baby that supposedly sleeps 20 hours a day but never more than ten minutes in a row, it can be like some alternate universe. But it passes… it’s too bad moms are often so isolated today, before multi generations or sisters or in laws helped. I wish moms today had more support like that, there would be fewer burned out mommies I bet!
It’s hard on the relationship w dad too. Stats show the most common time to divorce is wi two years of having a baby. Sadly. Again I think people should know they may forget how they ever liked each other but also that’s normal and it passes and around age 5 that all gets a lot easier.
Parenting is intense, no doubt about it!
So true about other moms being competitive. Not good. It’s not a competition!
LOL I forgot about pregnancy brain and what not. That really effects my daughter. Like knocking 20-30 points off her iq
Same happened to me re lost IQ! Some came back but not all.
Then there’s mommy conversations. I could spend three hours w another mom and we never finished a complete thought or sentence in that whole time! 😛
While I can’t say for sure, the iq drop and personality change seemed like z major down turn for my marriage
With couples I often see resentment build when both think what part they are doing is harder. But really it’s all harder. Nobody gets a break. But couples can give each other a break. And try to work together rather than keep score.
I still remember Liz’s story of her and hubby locking themselves in the bathroom just to get some “play time.” Then the kids were beating at the door. Lol. Maybe I am remembering this wrong but that may have also led to another baby!
A gal friend told me, “get used to never going to the bathroom alone or having privacy for about 8 years. I thought she was joking! No, she was not!
LOL Ton you sound like my dad! It really shocked him how much pregnancy brain was true!!!!
And scientifically it IS true… sadly, a woman’s brain really does shrink a tiny bit during pregnancy… and it doesn’t go back to normal unless she’s taking omega 3’s and DHA I think and even then, it takes months after the baby is born.
“Chicks think it’s going to be all cuddles, coo’ing and cute outfits when it’s mostly lost sleep, sore nipples, crying baby and shitty diapers.
Sort of like how women are set up for failure with unrealistic expectations about men and marriage
Then like you said, women try to do way to much. Which I understand because the world is more competive then ever before and our kids will inherit an even more competive world”
^From Ton… this is so true. No one really warns women about how hard it is and that we should be expecting that and to expect to try to do it with some amount of grace (ie… not complaining and whining so much how hard our life is).
And trying to do too much was my biggest downfall with our first baby… then we figured out how to cut back and only keep things that really bring goodness or joy to our lives.
‘Sort of like how women are set up for failure with unrealistic expectations about men and marriage’
Women are set up for failure because they have unrealistic expectations in all areas of their lives. Or at least it gets that way when they take God out of the equation.
Wasn’t around much for my babies. To busy doing bad ass man stuff so I really noticed it with my daughter, who is enough of my child to be pretty rational about it all sooo when I got into the baby making business again I made sure I hired help for The Girls. Which is shit advice because most folks can’t afford it.
Even good church girls have unrealistic expectations. Often the most unrealistic and no not just the churchianity ones. They arent any less saved or Godly because of it
‘when they take God out of the equation’
The unrealistic expectations come when they think they are the god in this equation.
Re: mommy brain, I do think it is a real thing. I am kinda joking about how bad it was. The first couple of months may have been the lack of any consistent sleep. I think another part of it is more like your brain splits… before kids I could concentrate 100% on stuff. Now if my kids are anywhere nearby, a big portion of my brain is tracking what they are doing… not as much as when they were under 3 but still it takes mindshare. I would say it affected my photographic memory, which used to be near perfect. Now… not so much. But that could be age, too. Hard to say. Maybe I am a 64 bit model, the banks are full! Lol.
Agreed STephanie, it would be good if women were taught it will be hard at times, and rather than get frustrated just take a deep breath and think, “this too shall pass.” Kids are going to occasionally get on your last nerve, sometimes . That’s when you lock yourself in the bathroom… only to see their little fingers reaching under the door like some horror movie! Lol! Chuckie returns!!! 😀 Then you just have to laugh at how your life ever turned into hiding from your child in the bathroom! They never show that in the baby stuff commercials!
fun story!
my girls and i went out to run a few errands this evening before sunset. we were on our way back, Oldest driving, when we got behind a black corvette and a yellow charger, one in each of the two lanes in front of us, and followed them almost all the way home down a 40pmh road with stop lights. two guys who obviously knew each other, had their windows down, and played cat and mouse all the way. we were giggling and enjoying the show 🙂
after my daughter put on her turn signal when we had to finally turn, the yellow charger guy slowed down and stuck his head out and smiled and dipped his head – like a bow and ‘so glad y’all enjoyed the show!’ we just giggled more 🙂
gotta love hot guys in hot cars who know how to entertain the ladies 😉
With couples I often see resentment build when both think what part they are doing is harder. But really it’s all harder. Nobody gets a break. But couples can give each other a break. And try to work together rather than keep score.
and that’s the worst. as i tell my girls in stupid stuff like this … i don’t care who started it, i care who ends it. so stop it now. that’s a hamster wheel that goes no where fast and wears you down for no reason at all.
pregnancy brain … crazy hormones … sleep ‘schedules’ (a total misnomer there!) … potty ‘breaks’ (another misnomer!). ahhh! and then i get off the phone with my husband a little bit ago and somehow the conversation got around to my huge hormonal swings where he laughingly says, “It’s like someone is paddle swinging you from hot to cold all the time!” Me: “Am I really that bad?” (note – never ask my Husband a question if you don’t want the truth!) Husband: “Yep.” LOL! good thing that man loves me! i make sure i take good care of him 🙂
– – –
my aspie-girl has kept me in some of those loops. her sleep/wake cycles have been a struggle since she was born and still are. she will still follow me to the bathroom and sit outside the door (Mamma’s gotta draw the line somewhere!). sometimes i wonder if she’ll ever be totally independent … then i turn around and am so thankful i’m her Mom b/c i know i’m taking care of her 🙂
– – –
and i know it’s not super common … but add in some medical things (which my Oldest had the first couple years of her life requiring more attention round the clock) and special needs – my Youngest – and things can get really crazy really fast.
and it’s REALLY good to be reminded that … this is normal … you’re okay … this is normal … you’re okay … this is a season … things WILL change … time won’t stop – and while you will miss some things, really and honestly and truly, it’s a joy to watch your children grow up … so while it’s a wild ride, enjoy the ride. and breathe. and smile.
oh, and Stephanie and Bloom – shrinking brain and maxed out brain space?! YES! i tell my girls i need a brain transplant, to which my Oldest replies, “Those aren’t legal yet, Mom!” LOL!
i’d settle for more memory 🙂
idk if men have the same thing … but i know it’s a ‘thing’ for Moms when they have multiple children. having one child means all mommy stuff can be focused on one child. but having a second and consecutive children means our mommy brain has to divide and figure out how to balance that. it’s not about the doing … it’s the mental part. i’ve been told that there are jumps that are more difficult than others … like going from one to two children … and then i think it’s the five to six children jump that’s the next super challenging, or something like that. probably different for different moms. i stopped at two, so i can’t speak to that. idk if men also have that kind of mental adjustment challenge?
Yes, Ame. I read an essay when my oldest was a baby that was by a woman whose kids were leaving the nest. She talked about how when they are little, you have to do EVERYTHING. They go with you EVERYWHERE. Car seats, diaper bags, all the gear and such. And yet here she was, kids want to be with their friends, or are busy, or at school and she was saying, “Treasure those days when you are the sun and the moon and the stars to them. At the time it may be suffocating, overwhelming, seem never ending — but in time you will miss those days.” SO true!
Bloom – i think we might freak young moms out a bit when we say those things – make them feel some sort of unnatural pressure to enjoy the days when your clothes are covered in snot and barf going on days without sleep.
i had a friend say it well once … she said, “It’s not like I want to go back to those days, although I enjoyed them. It’s just that sometimes I’d like to hold that little one one more time.”
i learned why older women want to hold little babies … it takes us back to that moment, for a moment.
and while my life filter looks back at some of those sweet, sweet memories, i’ve begun telling moms that it’s okay to let your children grow up … because you’re really going to enjoy them as they get older and become adults. i’ve found that gives young moms such peace.
of course some kids grow up to be terrors, but teaching young moms to train their children, pray over them, and guide them, and enjoy them is a lot more positive than telling them, “You’d better enjoy this because they’re going to grow up and you’re NEVER going to have this again!” that’s actually a bit cruel if you think about it, don’t you think? it’s pressure from the negative rather than looking forward with the positive.
i remember sitting in my ob/gyn’s waiting room after i’d had both my babies, and sitting next to me was a couple ready to pop out their first baby any moment. they shared their fears … that they’d never get sleep again, and the baby would take up so much of their lives, etc. you know … all those things that moms talk about with a negative slant … but forget to add in the beauty and joy of it. so i smiled at them and said, “You know how you love each other? And how if one needs the other in the middle of the night it’s not a bad thing but something good? That’s how it is with a new baby. You’ll love that baby so much that, while you’ll loose sleep, it’ll be okay. And you’ll work it out. And you will find the joy and beauty in it.” i watched them visibly relax.
it seems to be more popular to share the negative than the positive. or maybe it’s easier? i try (don’t always succeed, but i do try) to find the positive when i share things like this, especially with young moms. i’d rather leave them encouraged than stressed 🙂
Yes Ame, it is true I am enjoying each stage. It’s easy to feel nostalgic about past stages, bc you forget the hard stuff. Each stage is special, insluding when they are grown! I am not there yet but I can already see the awesome young lady and future woman my oldest is becoming and it is exciting. She still loves to hang out w her mom, too. I like that! 🙂
Also in that essay I agree, the gal might have added, “But I do enjoy going to the bathroom by myself again! Who little fingers reaching under the door.” Lol.
Life is an ever unfolding story — enjoying the moment one is currently in, not living in the past or future, may be the secret. All we have is RIGHT NOW. — it’s today’s journey, today’s part of the story! 😀
She still loves to hang out w her mom, too. I like that! 🙂
it REALLY is awesome, isn’t it 🙂 🙂 🙂
and i LOVE it when my girls call me Mommy rather than Mom. it doesn’t happen all the time now, but now and again it does. makes my heart smile 🙂
– – –
am filling out online med forms for a new doc appt for aspie girl tomorrow … but these fun discussions keep pulling me away 😉 … and Hubs is working late … this is so much more fun that wracking my brain trying to remember some of this medical stuff (and with her there’s so.much.stuff. to remember! ugh! i need more memory, please. thank you 🙂 )
Life is an ever unfolding story — enjoying the moment one is currently in, not living in the past or future, may be the secret. All we have is RIGHT NOW. Enjoy it! 😀
and having good friends, irl, AND online, who are willing to kick your butt back to the present when you’re letting yourself get pulled under from the past 😉 . you’ve created a good and fun place, Bloom. thank you 🙂
Yes, I do love it!
Thank you Ame for being a part of it! 😀 We INFPs have to stick together! Lol. Good luck with the forms.
Thank you EVERYONE who visits, reads, comments! Thanks for being part of the unfolding journey 😀 And sharing your own!
is it a texas thang or do y’all have it elsewhere … but all our medical forms now have the box: Hispanic, or Non-Hispanic. what the heck is that all about?! why does it even matter?! only two groups of people? really?
and that’s in addition to the other box asking one’s race. i don’t get it.
There is a new post at Spawny’s
https://spawnyspace.wordpress.com/2018/05/11/shes-gotta-have-tingles/
LOL yes! Sometimes I have to hide in the closet just to call my mom!
LOL!
Ame,
About the Hispanic thing. It can cover a multitude of races. When my Dad remarried, I got a bunch of stepbrothers and stepsisters with a Spanish surname. Their father was from Spain. They were definitely white.
LOL at the INFP memes 😀
Love it!
LOL!!!!
LOL…. my personality meme
The INTJs around here have been mostly men right (Farmboy, Spawny… probably a lot more)? 😀 That INTJ death stare… how funny!
I got the really wacky memes go figure:
LOL!!
Yes they do. And people hate them for it. People feel naked in front of an INTJ because they are so sharp and precise at doing this.
LOL!
okay … last one … aaand! forms FINALLY finished and submitted! yay!
https://encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcS__9jC1tNse-xU2Ud7BWixrx9XRhFQjpaBnzuPFwZQgGRhr-Yk
OMG it’s the most accurate!!!!!!!!
trying this a second time to see if it will show up without having to click on it:
https://goo.gl/images/CKjZGB
This thread brought back a memory about my mother. While I and my brother went to a nearby coed elementary school, my sister went to an all girls school. She needed to be picked up an hour later, so my mom let us sit waiting. I got tired of it and decided to walk home one day. The river was open and while it was knee deep for me, it was waist deep for my brother. I could have gotten my brother killed.
Stephanie – how did we ever survive before memes?! LOL!
ohhh, i’m tired. need.sleep.
Yes!!!!!! I know!!!!!
Cookies before bed!?!?
Ahhh sad Fuzzie!!! That’s horrible! But it didn’t happen!!!!!!! So glad!!!!
Thanks, Stephanie. I think the girls school went coed for grades one through eight since.
And by “didn’t happen” I mean at least he really wasn’t killed or anything.
So infp/enfp and intj are somehow this weird perfect match. The free spirit and the analyst. Somehow it works! Maybe bc nobody else makes sense to either of us so we have that in common? lol. We all do a lot of “slaps forehead and shakes head…” why don’t they SEE?????
gotta love hot guys in hot cars who know how to entertain the ladies 😉
……..
lol Speed is dangerous and thrilling aka alpha and makes the tingles
Myers & Briggs = Horoscopes + scientific language (therefore) Silly.
An NT I would be
“Yes they do. And people hate them for it. People feel naked in front of an INTJ because they are so sharp and precise at doing this.”
LOL… well if you’re married to one, then you’re naked in front of them a lot anyway so… hahaha!
Love this INTP meme
https://me.me/i/oblivious-ur-doin-it-right-intp-contently-unaware-of-the-4856045