For the past few decades girls and women have been encouraged to put their needs first. I believe the initial intent was to help women overcome being a doormat. But rather than come to the middle, balancing her needs with the needs of others, it seems in many cases women today think mostly of their own needs and little to none about the needs of others.
For example, I often see this in relationships. A woman will be talking about how she needs X, Y, and Z. She can pinpoint to the smallest nuance everything that’s lacking, wrong, or could change to make the relationship better for herself. And while this is good, what I rarely hear is a woman pondering what her partner may need, want, think, or feel.
In my previous post we find such a woman. And it literally destroyed her relationship. She was so focused on her own experience, she completely lost sight of the fact that the relationship did not exist solely to fulfill her every need, want, and every happiness but rather it was about BOTH of their needs, wants, and happiness.
It’s true that in the past women were often encouraged to think about others and what they might do to make them happier. But I don’t believe this was done to teach women not to think about themselves at all, I believe it was done to counteract the tendency of the female mind to see the world from her point of view alone.
If you find yourself ruminating, perturbed, or upset — try stepping back from focusing on what you need, feel, want, or wish and ask yourself what others involved may need, feel, want, or wish as well.
Healthy functional relationships are two way streets. Everybody gets and everybody gives. Sure at times one side may be giving or getting more than the other at a specific moment, but overall it should even out.
Balance. It’s not (only) about you.
What do you think? Please share in the comments.
Notes From a Red Pill Girl 
“I am going into town to the hardware store. Need anything? Need me to stop at the grocers?”
“Making coffee, if you want some I will make a full pot.”
“You hungry? Should I turn on the oven or the grill?”
“You feed the cats, I’ll wrangle the mutts?”
“Need help in the shower?”
Questions asked around here by either of us over the last day or so, Its not hard.
That’s how I would understand a marriage or relationship…two people mutually trying to benefit each other. It’s not one person doing all the effort and the other one not doing a thing or worse trying to tear it down.
Unusually, I agree with mgtowhorseman here. You don’t have to go all out or do everything for everyone. It can be as simple as picking up medicine at store for them when you know they are sick. Or giving them a ride if their car is in the shop. Getting the tab just because.
Men appreciate little gestures like that because it proves you were thinking of them. It’s a nice surprise and adds a little mystery to your appeal as well.
And when men come home after 14 hours of work, they notice when take-home Chinese food has been bought for everyone but them…
😦
swinging the pendulum to the other extreme is rarely the answer and often complicates things.
we women get our brains so tied up in knots we don’t know which end is up. before we go to the extreme, we need to get those knots straightened out.
And when men come home after 14 hours of work, they notice when take-home Chinese food has been bought for everyone but them…
Probably there is a full helping of Sum Ting Wong available
@FML said: And when men come home after 14 hours of work, they notice when take-home Chinese food has been bought for everyone but them…
Thank you for saying that. Same thing happened to one of the guys we gave our spare bedroom to that I mentioned recently (at Spawny’s?). Consistently he came home to dinner for everybody but him. I thought maybe it was just her. Based on what FMN said, seems like others do it too.
He goes to work. Gets served with a restraining order. Cannot go home to get a change of clothes. Friend calls wife and I and we say “send him over”. She and her four youngest are now back in Alabama living with her mother. All that something better out there has failed to materialize and she cannot keep a job. He has moved on and is doing fairly well. The story that’s told over and over and over because it keeps happening. That something better out there rarely wants to make you his wife.
the longer i live, the more i discover there is truly nothing new under the sun.
good for you and your wife for being there when he needed you.
a nice strong example why no man should ever marry here. IMO limited cohabitation will be the new norm without the state sponsored legal hooks
RichardP,
What were her assets and liabilities, and what kind of fella was she looking to hook?
as long as palimony doesnt become a law. once women figure out why men wont marry them, expect the pressure to make it a law.
and with all of the betas in government and the courts, it will happen.
On the opposite end of the spectrum, you can’t be all about everyone else either. I’d move mountains for people who wouldn’t scoot rocks for me. I used to think bending over backwards would come with it’s own reward, but for me it mostly just drew attention from users and opportunists.
https://imgflip.com/i/2cpo0b
FML, I might agree with you a bit on this “as long as palimony doesnt become a law. once women figure out why men wont marry them, expect the pressure to make it a law.”
For the most part, my view point is from the “outside looking in” since I did not marry a woman from this corrupted western society. I have a great deal of sympathy for the men who have to make do with what passes for “women” today, I’m just very glad I don’t have to put up with the modern females. Not my circus..
Perhaps men who still must deal with them could just stick with FWB and no further, dunno. Marriage in the US of A is now a lost cause.
@Farm Boy: What were her assets and liabilities …
I don’t know if I can identify specifically what you are asking about – but here is a story that should help you fill in the blanks from what you already know about life.
Southern gal. Won regional beauty contests from young age through teens. Lovely southern drawl. Pleasingly plump (due to body type). Makes good-looking kids (seven of them before 40).
She was in early forties when this went down a few years back. Kids from three different husbands – ranging in ages from 4 to 22 then. All of the kids good-looking enough to get work in commercials on both the east and west coast. On the west coast, older girls started hanging with other kids getting commercial and TV program work, going to see friends play in bands at music venus in LA (Whiskey A Go Go, Roxy, Viper Room, etc.), and having an all-around good time.
She already had a track record of not staying (was on her 3rd husband). I think that watching her older daughters playing with the beautiful people got her itch going. She started going with them to the parties and concerts and commercial auditions – and eventually hooked up with one of the second-rate musician guys who are constantly trying and never seeming to make it. He abruptly left her and married someone else. So she hooked up with another wannabe musician and seems to be one of his plates. With younger kids in tow, followed him from Los Angeles to Las Vegas to Oregon back to Las Vegas to New Orleans (where he still is) and she is back living at her mother’s place in Alabama – because he refuses to marry her (what a surprise, right). The older kids are still here and we make sure we stay in their lives to give them whatever help they need.
Husband #3 was granted liberal visitation rights, and she is living under the court stipulation that she cannot take the kids out of state without getting permission from the court. She has not bothered to obtain that permission (whatta ya mean I can’t eat the forbidden fruit; just watch me). He is getting on with his life with someone else and doesn’t want to push the issue. The older girls lived with him for a while but they understood they were in dad’s way with him getting on with his life. Their relationship is cordial and they still come and go at his place. But they recognize that their future is not under his roof.
Husband #3 is a veteran and, in California, the (state?) VA would pay for all the kids’ college so long as mom was married to him and they were living with him. The older girls planned on this. And suddenly he is ejected, and with it their dreams of college and being able to support themselves beyond a subsistence level. We have a front-row seat watching them struggle to go from what they thought was going to be to dealing with life as it is for them right now. They really don’t have any skill sets (beyond good looks) that would allow them to pay for their own lives – and so each has taken up with a guy who will have them. And in this way, they are able to survive. You’re not supposed to have sex until you are married can be thundered from the pulpit. But in the real world, for too many young girls (probably throughout history), it means the difference between having a roof over their head and food to eat, or not. So – what do wife and I do when the girls timidly seek to share this fact with us? It only took a second to decide that they need our input rather than our rejection. And so, with arms around their shoulders we said – we know that you know what the Bible says. But we also know you have to do whatever is necessary to survive. And so, we are still in their lives – giving them counsel they would not otherwise get, and money when necessary.
Our daughter was friends with the older girls and was right in the middle of this as it all went down, plus other situations with other families. She received a hands-on education on how not to behave – because she sees all the negatives that it has brought to the mothers and their kids. Fortunately, she has been out of the area for college and so has not had to watch the tears stream down the face of the girls she used to be really close to. These are emotions that are difficult for older adults to handle (cue Ame), let alone young adults.
Their mother is still pushing us to take her youngest daughter (7). Wife is still pushing me. I am still saying “no” – with a heavy heart. Then she turns my words back on me. If not us … then who? To be continued …
But I probably won’t write about it in detail again. I have resisted doing so up until now, but Farm Boy asked nicely.
Richard
Not my circus, not my monkey
Or in this case the child.
Although harder because it is a child, is this any different than Dancer? Staying in Blooms trailer and mooching.
You would be on the hook for this kid until 18 and mom would just be lookin for a lawsuit to bleed you dry or pay for the other kids etc.
Protect your own. Period.
Empathize with the plight of others, maybe donate a one time handout.
But unfortunately in this new world once you take on someone’s gaurdianship they are yours for life.
this blog was featured at the bottom of the page:
“Why Older Women Don’t Need Men” https://wordpress.com/read/blogs/127543868/posts/107
too funny…
These are emotions that are difficult for older adults to handle (cue Ame)
🙂
i actually have experienced this on a different level, and my story might be of interest to you in your situation.
about 23 years ago (three years before my first baby), my first husband and i ended up keeping my sister’s daughter, who was four at the time, for an extended period of time – about a year, from wednesday thru saturday of every week. my sister was a single mom, by choice – typical of what we see out here a lot – was going to college earning her degree, partying, struggling to put food on the table and clothe her child.
my first husband and i had recently built our first house, so we got a toddler bed and fixed up a room just for her. i remember the first time she saw the bed. she squealed and said, “Auntie Ame, this is just for me?! (cue the tears!) she had something that was just for her.
during that time we were keeping her, she said to me once, “Auntie Ame, I want YOU to be my Mommy.” UGH. we were driving. i remember exactly where we were. i started praying furiously because we WANTED her to be ours. i told God He needed to help me out here b/c we really wanted her and knew my sister was half-assing being a mom, at best. so i said to her, “Sweetie, if I were your Mommy, who would be your Auntie Ame? And I LOVE being your Auntie Ame!” that soothed both our hearts.
then, one day, this all stopped.
it was gut-wrenching.
i was talking with an older, mature woman who had helped raise her grandchildren for a season. she said that it was gut wrenching to release her grandchildren back to their parents, but she learned to let them go because the parents were once, again, able to care for their own children. she asked me if Sister was once again able to care for Niece. and she was. so she told me that God had released me from this responsibility, and i needed to let it go, too.
it was HARD. and emotional. but i did.
Niece is now 27 and doing well in most areas … she married a great man several years ago whom we love. she’s struggled in other areas, including a belief in God, which breaks my heart.
investing in any child is a huge commitment. investing in a child whom you have no legal rights is really hard. worth it when you know it’s what God wants you to do, but hard … and often costly on a many levels.
idk what i’d advise, even if i knew all the facts.
i do know kids want their own mom and dad. there was a time when my Niece stopped seeing her bio dad – the story is probably very diluted by now … he didn’t want her … mom didn’t want him around … i’m sure the truth is buried in there. once, when we were keeping Niece when she was little, she said to me, “Auntie Ame, if my Daddy were here, would you let me see him?” UGH. cue the tears, again.
i do know that sometimes we think we know better what’s best, and we don’t. i know that sometimes we think we know better what’s best, and we do. i know that often times we have to watch stupid people make stupid choices that hurt innocent people, whom we love, and there’s not a darn thing we can do about it … except … except pray.
and prayer is actually the hard part b/c sometimes we never know if our prayers are answered.
however … i can tell you that i’ve wondered over my life if there was ever any one person in my lineage who cared about me, who prayed for me, who cared that i would even exist someday. idk why that’s a big deal to me, but it is.
@ Richard, that is a tough one. As others have said, w/o legal guardianship things can change on a whim and that can be devastating if so.
As for my experience w/ Dancer and her daughter, I would say I was overly naive and am thankful (SO THANKFUL!!!) that it wasn’t as bad as it could have been. In my case I have two daughters of impressionable age at home, so I not only potentially opened my own life up to a dysfunctional situation, but theirs as well.
At first it was a relief to have another adult around to help cook and watch kids and get things done. The kids all got along and had a lot of fun. The honeymoon period was great.
But then the dysfunction started to creep in. This is what I was naive about, to think just given some stability Dancer and her daughter would leave that behind. I held a hard line on not doing dysfunction and in the end that was what chafed. Luckily they figured out a way to move on without too much drama. But in the end neither really appreciated it. If anything I was cast as, “the meanie.” Too much red pill for their liking, I guess! Lol.
After they moved out, w/i just days, both my girls said to me independently they were relieved and liked it being just us again. And they revealed things about Dancer’s daughter I had not known, things that indicated she was probably about to come off the rails in a big way and I am so glad they moved before that came to pass. It confirmed for me it was good things had wrapped up when they did and that holding the line on the no dysfunction policy was the right path, even if it meant the end. The only way to have avoided it would have been to cede to the dysfunction and I simply couldn’t do that.
I really did it hoping to help the daughter more than Dancer, and I hope it did and will continue to help her. We had a lot off red pill conversations and I hope in future times of need she might remember that advice. That the only one who could really determine her life path was herself, and that her choices would either lead to a beautiful easy life or a life of difficulty and struggle, it was all up to her. I hope my girls learned some valuable things from the experience, as well.Mostly what NOT to do.
They cut ties w us when they moved out, which I felt sad about but knew was likely how it needed to be to buffer us from the future dysfunction, so I have no idea what’s become of them but I wish them well.
I learned a lot from the experience so it wasn’t a waste, but perhaps the biggest thing I learned was, “not my monkey, not my circus. I need to take care of me and my own.”
For the past few decades girls and women have been encouraged to put their needs first.
I am not sure that would be a good plan for growing future mothers
@ Farm Boy, true. Mothering well takes the ability to balance the needs of everyone , not just her own needs. Parenting takes incredible emotional maturity, and moms who can’t balance their own needs with the needs of children (including sometimes putting off her own needs) it causes big problems for the kids later in life. Being a mom takes being a grown up!
This is what I was naive about, to think just given some stability Dancer and her daughter would leave that behind
……….
There is a reason why I rehabilitate dogs and not people
“Auntie Ame, I want YOU to be my Mommy.” UGH. we were driving. i remember exactly where we were.
………..
Last week I got my niece for the summer. The head case one with all the problems. 1st time in what, 2 years? Now she is in a shit ton of trouble so The Ton went from being the problem to being the solution. Any rate the 1st thing I had to do was buy her clothes that fit. Her shoes were 2 sizes too small.
I’m thinking about offering my sister in law money or she’ll sign her kids over to me
Good mothers seem to be the expection not the rule
May the Almighty bless you and keep you Ame.
‘ Parenting takes incredible emotional maturity,’
That’s why many women are unfit mothers. They can’t even act like grown ups…they emote childishly.
Indeed Ton, indeed. Hopefully it taught us all something. I know I learned some valuable lessons… like don’t be so naive! I won’t make the same mistake again.
@ Earl I would agree, many women are arrested in the teen stage of development. The old rights of passage where women would give that phase up to move into married and then mother and then matriarch seem to have largely disappeared. And as a result we have 50-some year-old women still acting like 14-year-old girls!
@ Ton Good news re your niece. I hope all goes well and that her mom will see the wisdom in your suggestion of letting you take the lead.
Their mother is still pushing us to take her youngest daughter (7). Wife is still pushing me. I am still saying “no” – with a heavy heart. Then she turns my words back on me. If not us … then who? To be continued …
there are so many things to consider, and, as is no surprise, Richard is being very wise in taking his time to discern what he should do.
as a Christian, we are often called to do things that non-believers cannot understand. that’s neither good nor bad nor right nor wrong; it simply just is. God sometimes asks us to do things that are not rational or logical, but when we are absolutely convicted we need to do something, then we do it.
anytime we help another person, regardless of the depth or extent of our help, it always costs us something. we are wise to weigh the cost, to count the cost. this is something men are MUCH more able to do than women … and sometimes, perhaps often times, women just are not capable at all of objectively being able to ‘count the cost’ accurately and thoroughly.
we also gain something when we help others. sometimes what we gain is negative, sometimes positive, often times both.
i wouldn’t say Bloom’s experience with Dancer was a waste. she planted seeds of truth into both of them, and no telling if or when those might be watered and produce fruit of some kind, and Bloom will likely never know. and … i imagine that Bloom and her daughters will draw upon lessons learned during that season for the rest of your lives.
– – –
it’s tragic that the mother is pushing the 7 year old child onto someone else. absolutely tragic. this is a no-win situation to me (in my female mind 😉 ). the daughter knows her mother doesn’t want her, and even if she were with a family who did want her, which she would value, she’d always wonder why her own Mommy didn’t want her. but even with her Mommy, she knows. ugh.
my mom finally confessed about ten years ago, “You have no idea how many times I wanted to leave you while you were growing up.” ummm … yeah. i knew. i’m not sure i could always consciously say, “My Mom doesn’t want me.” but i still knew. i still don’t get it.
imho, Richard’s situation is one where the answer is only found on his knees.
humbled.
and … ditto.
– – –
😦
i’m sure your Niece can’t throw you anything you can’t handle, and you are ahead of the game knowing she will throw you tons of stuff. “Do you really love me?” “Do you really care about me?” “Is this just an act to make you feel better about yourself?” “When are you going to get tired of me and move on like everyone else in my life?” etc, etc. deep insecurities developed in childhood with an undeveloped brain are so hard to overcome. not impossible, but certainly difficult.
May God bless and keep you, too, Ton … and your Niece and family.
For the past few decades girls and women have been encouraged to put their needs first.
longer than that, sadly. the whole women’s movement went to the extreme of feeling like everyone else got to be the center of their own worlds while women just trailed behind, hoping to get a crumb or two … to women believing they should always be the center of their own world.
i am thankful that there are ways women, who need to do so, are able to help themselves.
the tragedy is that every woman has adopted the circumstances of those few and then forced the world to treat them differently even when there’s no need. what they have done, in being so extreme rather than simply meeting the needs of those who have them, is diluted the problem and made the real needs more benign than they are. therefore, those with real needs often get overlooked.
– – –
and you’re absolutely right, Farm Boy – raising girls to be the center of their own worlds and putting their own needs first makes terrible adult women – especially terrible mothers.
The bitter fruits of feminism . . .
ahhh, Horseman … you do more than protect your own! you’ve shared how you take extra time with customers who really need your help, charge them less, spend time talking with them. that sounds a lot like caring for folks other than your own to me 😉
My niece is terrified of me because I saw through her bullshit at an early age. She is almost always well behaved for me. Or no worse behaved then the typical pre teen
She ain’t the 1st sociopath I’ve dealt with. And I crush shit tests. It’s what I do
In a sane world those girls would belong to me. They are my blood, carry my last name and I am the patriarch of my family now that my father has aged out of the job.
Just one of the many reasons I hate modern ideals.
My father took in my cousin when he was down on his luck, got him a job to get back on his feet. This cousin of mine has a crazy vindictive victim signalling liar of a mother and he picked up a lot of her traits. My dad and him butted heads a lot in the year he lived with them…cousin was on the ‘rebel against any and all authority’ train but dad was trying to help & teach him how to be a responsible adult so he didn’t end up back in the gutter. There are things a boy or girl needs from a father they just don’t get from a mother.
Earl,
How did it work out?
Horseman is selective in his caring, I think it’s wise. Care for the deserving, let the rest care for themselves. They wouldn’t care for him, likely…
I hope the fear of Ton keeps her on the straight and narrow! And that hopefully she’ll see it’s bc you care about her welfare and well being that you insist on the straight and narrow.
In my case I was feeling way too much like the “dad hammer” and it wasn’t a role I really wanted. My kids and I have an understanding who runs this show and they rarely question my authority. I rule quietly but stubbornly and some lines are very firm, but fair. Dancer and her daughter mistook that for being a pushover. When they found no, I was not, they moved on looking for easier pasture. Just as well… I figured if they prefer dysfunction they can easily find it somewhere else while we happily carry on wo it. I am glad not to have to be the dad hammer anymore. Turned out Dancer didn’t care so much for adulting. Her choice.
LOL the dad hammer
I don’t think my niece operates on anything like who cares for her. People are resources to exploit or some she can exploit and she will fear/ hate them.
My goal has always been to get her to stay within acceptable boundaries because that will untimely serve her self interests more then her bullshit.
……..
Folks sure do love their dysfunctions
He eventually moved out after my dad gave him a date to do so and has a hard time keeping jobs. I don’t think he learned much.
Put it this way with his attitude after all my parents did for him (going from getting him out of a homeless shelter to a job and a roof)…they were done with trying to help. You can only ‘shit test’ so long.
Interesting Earl,
My sister has cultivated a bitch attitude for 60 years and has finally perfected it. I threw her out of my house years ago with the message that she is not welcome here ever again. One shit test too many may have undesirable and permanent results
LarryG,
How is she doing now?
RPG: “I would agree, many women are arrested in the teen stage of development. The old rights of passage where women would give that phase up to move into married and then mother and then matriarch seem to have largely disappeared. And as a result we have 50-some year-old women still acting like 14-year-old girls!”
Many guys too. Our culture, since WWII or so, has collectively made the choice to prolong adolescence. No surprise to anyone here. Once you start to grow out of it adolescence appears in retrospect to be fun (though often it wasn’t) and certainly as an adult if you can hang on to cherry picked adolescent behaviors it can be a blast. But, in the end, that’s one of life’s tests and you only grow if you put your teens and /or twenties behind you.
Until we decided we were smarter than 100,000 years of human experience, children were prepared to make the transition form adolescence to adulthood in one distinct jump. Nearly every culture had an (often fearful) rite of passage that firmly put childhood behind them, it might be harsh like the Lakota Sun Dance or easier like Catholic Confirmation or it might be a conglomeration of several rites of passage that are racial, cultural and religious. We have watered it down and we’ve paid the price with a lack of adults. Our ancestors knew adolescence was bad news and they created a wide range of different rituals to get us through it.
The truly scary thing is that I’ve recently seen plenty of adolescents desperately hanging on to CHILDHOOD. This would be stuff like arriving in college classes in pajamas and carrying stuffed animals. Some people noted that they were waiting to see Mark Zukerberg wear a suit when he testified before congress, his normal attire tends to be soft “baby clothes” like sweats. In that case I’m not really sure if it’s his refusing to grow up or just dressing down (like many in Hollywood) to demonstrate that they are so important they don’t have to dress up. But the question was on people’s minds and it showed they did recognize a behavior they had seen in others.
Maybe it’s healthy! If a generation is realizing that two or three generations of their elders are not being served by hanging on to adolescence then maybe they are symbolically refusing to enter that problematic period. It would be better if they moved to being adults but there are few to guide them to that point. Yeah, well … I not sure I believe that, but it sounded good for a moment.
FB, “How is she doing now?”
Don’t know or care. Have not spoken to her in nearly 8 years. Not interested in her life in the least.
Two things I absolutely do not tolerate from any person on this fucking planet: Disrespecting me or insulting my wife…she did both.
@ Ton that doesn’t surprise me if she has been living in neglect, fending for herself. That can make a child very much see the world in those terms — gotta look out for me and get mine! Such things can lead to personality disorders in the extreme. Her having shoes two sizes to small says nobody was paying attention to her needs.
Dancer’s daughter was similar, very big chip on her shoulder, thought she could take care of herself, knew best. And she largely had taken care of herself. Dancer was doing the “friend vs. parent” approach, plus said she felt bad for not being there (as she still wasn’t being there!) and her daughter worked her like a fiddle. Not good. There was other stuff, constant drama and fighting with the boyfriend, leading to her being less and less functional otherwise, my having to make up for that by taking on more and more, etc. But not my problem anymore! Yay! 😀
It did give me a small glimpse into what it is like to be the “man” role, as in the one who has to be responsible and hold it together, manage the bs and drama, keep everyone in line. I did not care for it!
Don’t know or care. Have not spoken to her in nearly 8 years. Not interested in her life in the least.
I am sure that she believes that it is all your fault. Funny how that works
“I am sure that she believes that it is all your fault. Funny how that works” LOL!!!
Well that suits me too! I take full responsibility for throwing her worthless ass out of my house, and wasn’t even polite about it! Actually I quit caring about other people’s opinions quite some time ago, including all bat-shit crazy or bitchy females.
Stop being naive. She has had those problems before my brother was called home . Clearly that has made the problem worse but her issues are biological in nature
Leg #3 Of the reasons I didn’t want my childern to go away to college was the extension of adolescence
“Horseman is selective in his caring, I think it’s wise. Care for the deserving, let the rest care for themselves. They wouldn’t care for him, likely…”
Bingo.
Base assumptions of my personality
“when the chips are down or just plain hard most will look out for themselves so don’t count on anyone looking out for you.”
“If I take you on, you are under my protection, you are my responsibility so be worthy and be grateful”
“Animals and toddlers get help because they need it, the aged because they earned the rest. Everyone else do it yourself.”
“I start nothing. I finish everything.”
“If I said so I will. Alternatively I don’t have to so I won’t.”
“I get back up because the alternative is lay down and wait for death.”
“I didn’t see my mother for the twenty two years before her death because she insulted my wife and new born son. She never saw her grand daughter.”
“Been clinically dead twice, you think I care?”
And my favorite (from the Mrs.)
“Not my circus, not my monkey.”
‘Two things I absolutely do not tolerate from any person on this fucking planet: Disrespecting me or insulting my wife…she did both.’
Never ceases to amaze me how people will piss on your rug when you honestly try to help them out.
This is why I’m to the point we shouldn’t let women rationalize their shit tests as ‘oh we just do it without even knowing it’…well if you want to be a jerk without knowing it, you’ll get the consequences of being a jerk without knowing how you got there too.
Yup, exactly.
“This is why I’m to the point we shouldn’t let women rationalize their shit tests as ‘oh we just do it without even knowing it’….”
Three strikes, then bye.
I honestly think that lotsnof these people don’t realize that they are shitting on your rug when you are trying to help them. It is what they have always done and it is what they do.
‘It is what they have always done and it is what they do.’
Hence why women often rationalize shit tests. And they cry the victim route when the inevitable consequences happen.
A man pokes the bear enough times he’ll get punched in the face.
If women would say they shit test because they get some emotional high or emotional validation from it…I could accept that more than ‘I just can’t help myself’.
Yes preach it Earl!
Everyone controls their bad impulses.
The rationalizing is just them not wanting to.
Do they shit test their boss at work? No cause they will get fired!!
P.s. think your hubby or LTR won’t fire you eventually??? Bullshit!!
“A man pokes the bear enough times he’ll get punched in the face.”…and if a woman pokes a man enough times she’ll get knocked on her ass by him without apology.
Just because you are currently under my protection does not mean you will continue to be.
Remember “I dont have to so I wont” applies.
At my age I know of or have seen men waiting for the kids to turn 18 or 21 to pull the trigger. Threat of child support was the “I have to” that made them stay.
It passed and BOOM BABY!!
And these women who knew they were passed the wall with no options but had a nice compliant hubby at home. How little they suspected.
One guy actually told me “I am just waiting for her to X again…”
Three weeks later “She X’d again, lets celebrate, I’m buyin.”
Poor poor 53 year old out on her ass…the heart weeps….Not!
@ Ton, my bad for assuming!
Feminism and the manosphere is focused on 20-45 year olds.
Actually its the 50+ crowd with parenting done that sees the effects of both.
Its the most fun you can observe for the price of a bag of popcorn.
P.s. at say 53 everyone is HONEST!!!!!!!
Everyone knows what she looks like and everyone knows how much money he has.
No where to hide, no excuses, no shame, no children, no collateral damage
Its either “Because I HAVE to” or its “Because I CAN”.
Both are waaaaaay past shaming or social pressure to do squat!
I wonder if Dancer was shit testing…. had not thought of that. In any case I knew I needed to hold the line.
Seven year itch?
Try “last one just moved out”
So RPG? Should you have just accepted the “oh she cant help it bullshit?
Yes how do women feel about shit tests when they are done to them? Do they think it’s still not a free will decision?
@ horseman no, I knew if I did it would only be more of the same. It was likely some type of power play in the end on her part. She maybe believed I would beg her not to go I’d give in or something.. Instead I said, “You’re moving out? OK, bye!” She seemed to not have expected it, then wanted to leave most of their stuff in their rooms as is for awhile. I said, “Nope. It ALL needs to go when you do. How’s this weekend sound?”
I don’t know how I knew, it’s not like me actually, it but I just felt somehow anything less was going to be a s#it show. Best to just get er done!
That plus my guy was like, “Nope! Done!” He helped me see it really was the only healthy response.
‘That plus my guy was like, “Nope! Done!” He helped me see it really was the only healthy response. ‘
And women say they need men like a fish needs a bicycle.
Funny how we can see through wimminz BS once we figure it out.
I remember one of the VERY few times my wife tried shit testing me…threw a kiddie tantrum over some minor issue, then made the serious mistake of saying she wanted to leave and go live with her mother. “Fine, go pack. I’ll buy you a one way plane ticket. Anything else?”
Silence from her for the next week, which perfectly suited me! But the end of tantrum BS too.
‘and if a woman pokes a man enough times she’ll get knocked on her ass by him without apology.’
They wanted equality after all.
To explain further this was after she went from saying one day, “this is the happiest and most healthy place I have been in my whole life, you are the BEST!” To two days later, a 20point list of grievances. I just responded, “well sounds like it’s not working for you, no hard feelings, I understand you want to move.” Like I said she made it seem like it was final and all lined up but I don’t think it was. Then she turned into I was super mean and used that to strong arm her guy into an offer to move in (he was NOT happy or wanting that but he didn’t hold the line.) I guess she kinda got what she wanted? Hope it works out. At the time it was pretty intense but after hearing what my daughters felt and knew that I didn’t, I swear it was Devine intervention to end it RIGHT THEN!
My guy saw it coming before I did. He was ready when it happened and was a huge source of support and a giver of solid sound advice. He’s my rock for sure!
“My guy saw it coming before I did. He was ready when it happened and was a huge source of support and a giver of solid sound advice. He’s my rock for sure!”
Fish, meet Bicycle. Bicycle, meet Fish.
Anyway when it happened it happened quickly. Luckily also when the kids weren’t here.
I am very glad now my guy vetoed the stuff staying here. It would likely just turned into her yanking my chain whenever. “I need this, I need that, this or that is missing…” Nope. Take it all right now. I actually had to pack it all up and her boyfriend came to get it bc she was that mad. Packing up her stuff didn’t phase me but it was hard to pack her daughters stuff. I hope she will be ok. Sucks to have a mom who makes life unstable like that.
Lol yep Larry G! I have no doubt this fish needs a bicycle!!! 😀
https://www.csectioncomics.com/comics/solomon-the-unwise
A serious question for the ladies. When you shit test your men for whatever justification you can dream up, what is the fastest way to shut that crap down in your opinion?
a.) laughs at you
b.) ignores you
c.) mocks or ridicules you
i assumed that, too, Bloom.
this is why men are so much better at this stuff than we are. we always have that one emotional thread in there that wonders. men are able to discern without that emotional stuff.
LOL, Larry! 1 and 3 🙂
the ‘ignores you’ one is hardest for me b/c i can’t always figure out the ‘why’ i perceive he is ignoring me. with my first husband, he often ignored me, but it wasn’t always about me, so i never knew what he was responding to. my guy now rarely uses that b/c of anything i’ve done, and if he does, i’m able to ask him, and he’ll tell me. usually, if i feel like he’s ignoring me, he isn’t – he’s just caught up doing his own stuff.
but … i was also ignored a lot as a child, so i don’t react to that one well. my imagination is much worse than the truth there 🙂
Hummm…. probably dread (which isn’t on your list of options!)
I read things from the OT from time to time about the things the Israelites did to bring about God’s fury. It was mostly following false gods…but what is interesting is the different ways God reacted.
Sometimes it was through snakes biting them…other times He left them to their own dysfunction until they came back. I think it’s completely justifiable for a man to leave a woman who just doesn’t get it.
2 Chronicles 24:17-25
‘You have deserted the Lord: now he deserts you’
After the death of Jehoiada, the officials of Judah came to pay court to the king, and the king now turned to them for advice. The Judaeans abandoned the Temple of the Lord, the God of their ancestors, for the worship of sacred poles and idols. Because of their guilt, God’s anger fell on Judah and Jerusalem. He sent them prophets to bring them back to the Lord, but when these gave their message, they would not listen. The spirit of God took possession of Zechariah son of Jehoiada the priest. He stood up before the people and said, ‘God says this, “Why do you transgress the commandments of the Lord to no good purpose? You have deserted the Lord, now he deserts you.”’ They then plotted against him and by order of the king stoned him in the court of the Temple of the Lord. King Joash, forgetful of the kindness that Jehoiada, the father of Zechariah, had shown him, killed Jehoiada’s son who cried out as he died, ‘The Lord sees and he will avenge!’
When a year had gone by, the Aramaean army made war on Joash. They reached Judah and Jerusalem, and executed all the officials among the people, sending back to the king at Damascus all that they had plundered from them. Though the Aramaean army had by no means come in force, the Lord delivered into its power an army of great size for having deserted him, the God of their ancestors.
The Aramaeans treated Joash as he had deserved, and when they retired they left him a very sick man; and his officers, plotting against him to avenge the death of the son of Jehoiada the priest, murdered him in his bed. So he died, and they buried him in the Citadel of David, though not in the tombs of the kings.
Now I don’t know if the Israelites were trying to fitness testing God…but I learned you don’t want to do that. You’ll lose.
Interesting, RPG. Why dread?
two days later, a 20point list of grievances. I just responded, “well sounds like it’s not working for you, no hard feelings, I understand you want to move.”
……….
Shit test crushed
Dread game regins supreme
It established a couple of things the 2 most important she is easily replaced, your value far exceeds hers
There is a new post at Spawny’s
https://spawnyspace.wordpress.com/2018/06/24/she-doesnt-comprehend-and-this-is-revealing/
DOn’t get me wrtong Larry G, dread is not my preferred method. I think starting with humor or good natured teasing (maybe some agree and amplify) would be preferred but if I wasn’t getting it then, dread always makes me pause and ask myself, “Is this the hill I want to die on.” Dread can rattle me too if used too much bc losing my father at age 2, abandonment is big. So I would say it would the the MOAB option.
For example, constant use of dread just shuts me down. Can’t do it all the time, but when someone REALLY wants to make a point, that’s the one that would get my attention.
But I reveal too much! Lol. Dread should be balanced w/ comfort game and such in good times, obviously.
it was hard to pack her daughters stuff. I hope she will be ok. Sucks to have a mom who makes life unstable like that.
The sins of the mother are visited onto the daughter.
@ Farm Boy in that case yes. It’s a choice though, one can also choose NOT to play the crap forward! I think that’s a far better strategy, break dysfunctional cycles don’t repeat them. But many do…
Overt Dread game is heavy impact and best used rarely.
Covert dread game is a natural extension of being an acutal high value man. If You are, her hamster will damn near create all the dread a man needs without him doing a damn thing
Ton, “her hamster will damn near create all the dread a man needs without him doing a damn thing” Can you clarify this a tad bit? How does she create her own dread?
Its not dread per se but more let her know your response is two fold
A) this is a bullshit arguement and we both know it
B) I really dont have to put up with this shit.
And a bonus
C) do you really want me to call your bluff.
All caters to most womens’ inate fear of abandonment. Eg.
Her “If you loved me you would take out the garbage without me asking.”
Him “Bet the garbage chutes are real convenient in most apartments.”
Or
Her “Ethel’s husband is a good husband, he does blah blah”
Him “I hear he is thinking of polygamy, why don’t you ask Ethel if you can be wife number two.”
Its also about subtle things. We have coffee and read the paper on our tablets each morning.
My tablet background is her picture normally.
When she is being a bitch I switch it to my horse.
Then when appropriate I switch it back.
Message sent.
The sins of the mother are visited onto the daughter.
yes. but as mothers, we don’t have to keep those sins. we can get rid of them, break the cycle, absorb them so we don’t pass them onto our own children.
idk if it’s still a ‘catch phrase’ in the christian world or not, but my mother used this to flippantly excuse her behavior. “It’s just generational sin!” she’d flippantly say, excusing whatever hell she’d perpetrated on me.
all i’ve gotta say is … it stopped with me. my girls don’t have it. i’ve not passed any of it down.
LOL Horseman! that’s awesome!
one of my Husband’s fav phrases toward me that works most all the time is, “Well, who pissed in your cheerios this morning?”
he’s telling me … i hear you’re having a bitchy day, but you can stop taking it out on me right now.
I feel the same Ame. Absolutely. Having a crap mom does not have to mean being a crap mom yourself! It’s weak sauce IMHO to cop out by saying, “it’s a generational sin” or “I can’t give what I didn’t get” (my mom’s line) or whatever.
A good friend who is a therapist said to me once the best way for a person w a bad start to overcome it is to not repeat it on their own kids but to parent them well. In turn, you kinda re-parent yourself vicariously, too. Made sense to me anyway! Better than replaying a broken record…
My tablet background is her picture normally.
When she is being a bitch I switch it to my horse.
Then when appropriate I switch it back.
If married to Sarah Jessica Parker you were
You would have to do this not
you’re a really good Mama, Bloom. i know it’s hard being a single mom, managing your own biz, dating long distance, keeping up with their two dad’s, and rejecting the lies handed down to you. but you’re doing it, and you’re doing it well. good for you 🙂