Category Archives: Gender

Nature is Sexist!

21 Tuesday Mar 2017

Posted by in Gender

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There is a difference between sexism and biology. And before throwing down the “sexist” claim, it’s important to understand the difference.

Sexism is basically telling people (historically women) that they cannot do X, Y, or Z because of their sex. These things were possible, but due to social constraints were not “acceptable” and so they were forbidden. That’s sexism.

However, there are certain things in life that may appear sexist at first blush, but are actually biological constraints. These are not sexist, although they may be sex-specific.

Men cannot, for example, have babies. That is not sexist, that’s biology.

Or to make examining such things less heated, it’s often helpful to extrapolate from the animal world, from nature in general, to understand the difference between sexism and biology.

Besides the seahorse and Emperor penguin and a few other token examples, for the most part, by and large, it is the female of the species who does the bulk of the work rearing the young. Now one could fight it is not “fair” till the cows come home, but it simply is what it is.

Without mothering, most offspring simply do not survive or if they do they are confused and unprepared for what lies ahead.  Sure there are examples of animals who need no mothering or fathering (sea turtles, for example), but again if that’s the way they are biologically designed that is a far cry from it being a “choice.”

In the animal kingdom, none fight this. They simply go about life doing their biological role and everything works out great.

We humans, despite being the “most intelligent” species on the planet, seem to be the only ones who want to ignore biology and define it for ourselves.

It’s at most a fool’s errand. But people still do.

Let those who have ears hear!

Can you name some examples of this either in your life or that you have seen in the lives of others? Please share in the comments!

 

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(Not) Forever Young

28 Sunday Aug 2016

Posted by in Gender

≈ 392 Comments

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A comment on the last thread by Sergey points out one of the biggest issues with the “modern woman” script: In youth, the world is her oyster. Anything is possible, options are all open. But then unexpectedly it tops out around age 35. Once one is no longer a young woman, the path becomes murky… where does the path go from here?

He says:

“It’s the best time ever for Western women in their 20s/early 30s. After that, though, the options are the following:
* spinster – crushing loneliness and a feeling of self-inadequacy for most, except radical egoists;
* single mom – financial and emotional strains, a risk of problematic child, a sense of life wasted on upbringing the kids;
* divorcee – effectively one of the above, with bitterness of life wasted on wrong mate/stupid breakup on a whim;
* having a committed partner, without kids – generally trying to conceive, due to the strong social/biological pressure and time until fertility window close running out fast; child-free variety is probably one of the happiest combination;
* having a committed partner, with kids, without career – with life embittered by the sense of missing something other women presumable have (“a care-free single life”, professional achievements etc) – thanks to all that lib-fem messages they are daily bombarded with;
* having a committed partner, with kids and a career – have-it-alls; they have their problems as well, all too common self-shaming of “being a bad mother”, envy to ‘care-free’ lives of single women etc.

Self-contradicting mix of social messages sent to women by society (mostly other women, both “progressive” and “conservative”) seems to cause much harm. The lack of it, a sort of ‘each to her own’ relativism is no better: seems that women are somewhat wired to external validation, and the lack of praise/shame feedback to their choices confuses females even more.”

At one time the female life path was fairly defined. She’s a girl, a maiden, a young woman, a wife, a mother, an empty nester, a grandmother, a matriarch.

Yes the choices were limited, but perhaps that is as liberating as stifling? Studies show the more choices we have, the less satisfied we become, ironically. Without a clear path… is modern woman lost in the wilderness?

What do you think? Please share in the comments (while respecting the viewpoints of others.)

Are we Just Silly Girls, Or Not?

08 Friday Jul 2016

Posted by in Fempire, Gender, Red Pill

≈ 93 Comments

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A recent episode of someone getting off Scott free, seemingly because she is a girl and well while she was admittedly careless…that should be excused because…well…girl pass…got me thinking, how can women claim to be capable of being equals (much less leaders) when they don’t admit and take full responsibility for their mistakes? Or when society does not hold them to an equal standard, as well?

This builds on the last post — women need to choose if they are indeed really and willing to be full equals including all the downsides of that as well as the upsides, or we need to affirm that we are the weaker vessel and need/want the girl pass. What we can’t do is have it both ways, depending on convenience.

Personally, I recognize my limits. Not that I don’t take responsibility and accountability for my actions. I am equal in some ways, not even close in others. Such is life. And I am OK with that.

Discuss, debate… what do YOU think? And please, be civil to one another even in disagreement — it’s OK to agree to disagree. It’s not ok to attack, shame, name call, or bully. Not here, anyway. My blog, my rules! And I am waaaay too busy to babysit comments, so please behave.

Equal or Better?

06 Wednesday Jul 2016

Posted by in Gender, Red Pill

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Have you ever noticed that women tend to be very selective about which parts of the equality pie they actually want when it comes to equal rights?

For example, women want to be doctors, lawyers, or CEOs, but I never have heard any woman question why garbage collectors are mostly men, or fight to bring that ratio closer to 50%. No. Women don’t want the downsides of being “just like a guy” only the upsides, only the gravy, or for the sweets people, the cherry on top.

Well sisters, that ain’t equality! Simple as.

As I have written about before, men do a lot of the suck jobs and the boring jobs and the dangerous jobs and the hard jobs that make life work. And they don’t expect a gold star for it. (But a sandwich and a smile and a “thank you” would sure go a long way.)

Also note, equality is not the same as extra rights. People don’t like to play with those who demand they get every toy in the sandbox and that everything always goes their way. For many women equal rights seems to be translating into “I can do whatever the hell I want and if you cry foul, you’re a sexist hater!” (Or worse.) The oppressed become the oppressor. Again, that’s not equal.

Anyway, talk amongst yourselves 🙂 What do YOU think equality is all about? Is it even possible? Ideal?

Men and Emotions

09 Monday May 2016

Posted by in Gender, Red Pill

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Before I started following the manosphere, I pretty much believed the main stream media’s portrayal of male emotions — meaning namely that men have fewer emotions than women.

Turns out, it’s not true. Men actually feel emotions very deeply, perhaps even more deeply than women. But how those emotions are processed and expressed is different, so on the surface this can give the appearance that men do not have the emotional depth or breath that women do. Nothing could be further from the truth.

Women tend to express emotions outwardly, talking freely to friends, family, and others about their emotions. Men tend to express their emotions inwardly, presenting a stoic face to the world even when inside they may be feeling anything but.

According to the “Mental Health” chapter of a book I have been reading, “Is He Worth It: How to Spot the Hidden Traits of a Good Man” by Shawn T. Smith, PhD, statistics show that more women than men are diagnosed with and on treatments for mental health issues such as anxiety or depression. This on the surface seems to suggest that women have more mental health issues than men.

But the author goes on to explain when one looks at the bigger picture, men are more likely to engage in substance abuse (alcohol, food, gambling, drugs, etc.) and are a full four times more likely than women to commit suicide. When these factors are taken into account, women and men struggle with these issues at about the same overall percentages, he says.

The difference? Women are more likely to reach out to their doctor or to a mental health specialist for medication and/or therapy when they are feeling anxiety or depression than a man, while men are more likely to self medicate and/or (tragically) commit suicide as a way to cope with their depression or anxiety.

It’s unclear if this is due to a gender difference, a social acceptance difference, or a combination of factors. In general women reach out to others for support, mainly other women. Men often only reach out to their own partner for emotional support, and less frequently to other men or family members.

It’s important for women to understand these differences because many times what seems like relationship problems, a man who is grouchy, sullen, and non-responsive, and/or engaging in substance abuse despite thing seemingly going relatively OK, can often be the result of his feeling anxiety, depression, hurt, or fear in other areas in his life, such as at work, and those emotions are then translated into emotions such as anger or moodiness.

Too often women respond to the expressions of anger and moodiness by internalizing them, thinking it is about the relationship, when in fact it may be completely unrelated. I have personally experienced this, and have seen it in other couples. I have even seen this misunderstanding between male and female emotions lead to unnecessary divorce.

Instead, a woman can and should step back, not take such expressions personally, but consider if in fact they may be signs her man is struggling with anxiety, depression, fear, or hurt in some area of his life.  In this case, instead of engaging in conflict with him, taking a patient and empathetic approach combined with and some probing and problem solving may be a far more productive/constructive.

In other words, be a helpmate. Be on his team, rather than adding to his stress. You may be able to help. Or what may be needed is time for him to work it out with your support.

Maybe he needs to consider changing jobs? Maybe he is under too much financial pressure? Maybe he is under too much physical or psychological pressure? Maybe he needs to identify the cause and make some positive life changes that will lead to a resolution of the cause of his struggles?

I hate to admit this but it is true, when I was young and newly married, I almost entirely only considered my own experience, as many women do. What a mistake. I wish I had known this information earlier in life, so I could have been a help to my then husband in his struggle with his feelings about being in a dead-end, no-win, taken for granted job despite his being an excellent worker as well as understood better how his ex girlfriend cutting off contact between him and the child they had as teens were the cause of his drinking and detachment. Instead, like many women do, I was clueless he was even feeling those emotions and just assumed his moody, grumpy, sullen attitude was because he was unhappy with me.

Unfortunately this profound misunderstanding was a big cause of our marriage falling apart, because rather than realize he had for over 10 years been struggling internally with some very powerful emotions, I just assumed when no matter what I did things did not improve, that he just didn’t care to work on “our” problems.

Shortly after our divorce the company he worked for sold to another and he is now one of the most valuable members on their team. So much so the owner has taken him under his wing and is grooming him to be his successor. He’s finally being recognized as the true, loyal, hardworking employee he has always been. He’s also quit drinking, and has been clean and sober for many years. He reunited with his now grown son, and they have a relationship that brings them both great joy. He’s also remarried now, and he seems to be happily so.

I often ask myself “what if?” What if I had understood? What if I had reacted differently? What if I had waited just a little bit longer? But the truth is, I will never know. I can’t go back in time and undo what has been done. All I can do is acknowledge it, learn from it, and do different going forward. And I also hope my sharing this can perhaps help other women (and men) avoid the same outcome.

In short, men do have very deep emotions. When they are grouchy, sullen, angry, or withdrawn it’s often because he’s struggling with those emotions internally. Rather than add to his struggle, do your best to lighten it and to be a point of joy and refuge in his life. Men need their woman to be that.

Perhaps the men here would like to share… is this so, or if not, please share how so in the comments.

The more I learn, the more I see that men and women do not have to be enemies. In fact, I believe that together, as true partners, life is easier for both. It’s too bad society promotes a battle-of-the-sexes approach to remlationships, rather than a collaborative one. Luckily couples in the know can choose to be a team, rather than to be on opposite teams.

 

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(Please note: I am NOT recommending women silently endure abusive behavior from her man in hopes that things will improve. The above is referring to normal levels of anger, sullen, grouchy male behavior, not ongoing physical, emotional, or verbal abuse. Likewise, men should not endure abusive behavior from women “because of emotions” either.)

 

I Want to Be a Mom!

04 Thursday Feb 2016

Posted by in Gender

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I can clearly remember sitting in a circle in my second grade classroom (around 1977?) while we went around and answered the question, “What do you want to be when you grow up?”

Even at that young age I knew the appropriate answers for a girl were either, “a teacher” or “a nurse.” And if like me you really wanted to score affirmation points, “President!”

(I actually didn’t want to be President, or a teacher, or a nurse…but somehow I knew those were the answers adults asking me that question were looking for.)

Some girls still would say, “wife” or “mom.” And when they did the teacher would look slightly disappointed and disapproving, and correct them. “No dear, the question is what do you want to BE when you grow up?”

This morning, my almost 5-year-old daughter was buzzing around, and she blurted out of nowhere, “When I grow up, I am going to be a mom!”

She stood there, with her big blue eyes, tousled blonde curls, peachy pink skin and cupid bow lips, just beaming with pride. Adorable!

My heart swelled up with joy, and I said, “You bet baby! That’s awesome! And I bet you are going to be the best momma EVER! That’s going to be so GREAT!”

And she giggled, and skipped off, happily dreaming of her future babies to be…

I’m so glad nobody has told my daughter yet that being a “mom” isn’t a legitimate endeavor. Because I think it is. In fact, I can hardly think of a more important job a woman could undertake — to guide, teach, and nurture the future.

Seems my second grade teacher had that (and a lot of other things!) all wrong!

Let those who have ears hear!

 

 

Men and Women: Two Halves of a Whole?

19 Friday Jun 2015

Posted by in Gender

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There is a concept in Chinese culture that has no real equivalent that I know of in the West, but it is a concept well worth pondering — yin and yang.

Yin and yang is difficult to really define because it can mean many things but in short it is like two parts making a whole, the up and the down, the left and the right, the night and day, the power of opposites attracting. Neither is better or worse, good or bad, right or wrong. They are separate but equal. And not only that, they need each other to be complete, balanced, whole.

In Western culture there is a more dualistic thought process, more like either/or. Something is either good or bad, either right or wrong, either up or down, either yes or no. There is no yin AND yang, it’s yin OR yang.

Dualistic thinking has its place, no doubt. However, as anything it also has its limitations. I believe a lot of the nonsense we have going on surrounding gender these days is related to the inability in our culture to see the strength, even necessity, of the yin and the yang.

Feminism, for example, seeks to bring gender to the middle, to encourage women to act more masculine and to encourage men to act more feminine. The obliteration of gender seems to be the ideal, the definition of equal. But is it?

Feminism also teaches that gender is a social construct, or in other words we are not born male or female, we are taught to be male or female. This implies that male and female are learned roles, not naturally inborn ones.

Well anyone who played peek a boo in preschool quickly learned that there are indeed differences between males and females. Feminists might say these differences are only physical. But are they?

An even deeper question is: are these differences bad? Good? Do they have to be either bad or good? Could they be both? Is minimizing or eliminating them the answer? Or is celebrating them?

Personally, I think it is a mistake to try and bring gender to the middle, to seek equality in the elimination of the yin yang element to gender. Androgyny? Blech.

I think women NEED men. I think men NEED women. I think men and women are attracted to each other because they are two parts of one whole.

Of course in today’s highly charged social, legal, and political climate, embracing the yin and yang concept of gender can be quite dangerous, costly, and damaging. The stakes are incredibly high. And they are currently tilted in (surprise!) the female interest. That’s why so many men are opting out, going their own way (mtgow.) And why so many women are wondering, where have all the good men gone? The good men understand full well the current sexual marketplace (smp) and marriage marketplace (mmp) and are just not willing to take the risk or have been burned badly already and are not willing to take the risk again. If I were a man, I can’t say I would not feel the same.

I vote we bring back women being women and men being men. The yin and yang version. Two halves of one whole, neither inferior or superior, different, but both equally necessary, each with their own strengths and weaknesses that just so happen to perfectly complement the strengths and weaknesses of the other. Imagine that!?! Viva la differance!

Let those who have ears hear.

Thank God Men Don’t Get PMS

14 Wednesday Jan 2015

Posted by in Gender, Relationships, Sex and Such

≈ 56 Comments

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I saw a comment on another red pill blog that explained perfectly a key difference between men and women. I wish I had copied it then so I could paste it here now, because it was beautiful and poetic and explained so well something we women live with on a daily basis but men do not: shifting hormones.

The post was from an older man to a younger one who had lost his girlfriend, right before the holidays. It sounded like hormones were involved. The older man explained women are not like men. Women are more like clouds, constantly shifting from day to day and even minute to minute thanks to our ever changing hormonal state starting in puberty and going through menopause.

Clouds. I thought it a good analogy. And he said it not in a negative or blaming way, no “hormones make women evil” stuff, he just schooled this younger man that that’s how women are, they can’t control it, that dealing with women meant dealing with this, and that for a man being ahead of the curve instead of caught off guard (keep a chart, maybe?) makes relationships go a whole lot smoother. (I will try to find the original post and quote it….but that is the much less poetic and profound cliff notes version.)

I was blown away by his understanding of something I don’t totally understand myself or acknowledge nearly as often as I should. I don’t know about you ladies, but even after 30 some years of month after month, my fluctuating hormones can still catch me off guard, especially right before “that time.” And there I will be, pissed, feeling like I want to throw a car across the yard, picking a fight with my man, feeling it with every fiber of my being, and then the next day – Whoops! Oooooh…so that’s why I was so upset.

Then I have to admit it and apologize. How embarrassing.

Before you fight with your boyfriend/fiancee/husband/spouse/FWB/insert term here, check the calendar. It might be your hormones, not him. Just sayin’!

To the men reading along, I wish we could control it but we cannot. God knows I have tried, and I am sure other women have too. We envy your logical, steady (constantly on) hormonal state. I can only hope that there is an upside to all our female hormone induced shape shifting. (Oh yeah, those same hormones give us curves!?!?)

Whatever it is, men and women and women and men can’t seem to leave each other alone for long, so there must be something about it that works. Right? Um yeah….trying to think positive here, ok? Making lemonade and all that.

Or maybe it’s all just a cruel joke. The jury is still out.

Let those who have ears hear.

Why Women Should Visit Mars (And How to Get There)

06 Tuesday Jan 2015

Posted by in Gender, Red Pill

≈ 165 Comments

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The first time I traveled outside of the United States, my eyes were opened to how  many of the things I took as universal truths, actually were not.

Going to China also gave me an understanding of it that I never could have gained any other way. Of course I did not understand China as well as a native Chinese and likely never could, but at least I actually experienced it firsthand and whether or not all of my impressions were correct, in less than one day I learned more about China than I had in my entire life.

In a similar way, I think more women should take a trip to Mars (aka the male world), if they really want to learn about men. Having visited Mars myself, I have discovered much of what I, and most women (aka Vesuvians), think about Martians (aka men) is simply downright inaccurate.

Instead, they only know Mars as it appears from Venus, or from what other Vesuvians (who have never been there either) have said about life on Mars.

So how can women visit Mars, see it for herself? Before it was nearly impossible, a totally closed off world. Luckily thanks to the Internet, it’s now possible. A good starter trip can be found by following the links posted at the end…but don’t go just yet.

Like any voyage to a foreign land, before clicking on them, I would urge Vesuvians to do so with an open mind, and to not judge that world by Venus standards, but rather try to experience it for itself. Right, wrong, or indifferent life on Mars is wildly different than life on Venus. You might be shocked, outraged, confused, and annoyed at first. “Why isn’t Mars like Venus? What the heck are they saying? This just doesn’t make any sense. OMG are you frickin’ kidding me?”

But if you can approach your journey with an open mind, almost like an archeological adventure, you will also find that the trip will open your eyes to a Mars you never knew existed, both more troubled and more wondrous than you ever could have imagined. Once you see it in person, you will never view Mars the same again.

Keep in mind, nothing is more annoying than a tourist who barges in and starts telling people they don’t understand their own culture or argues with them about their long held cultural norms. Those tourists will most likely only get ripped off and left stranded, and rightfully so. Remember: Mars is what it is.

But if you truly want to see the “real” Mars — the Mars most Vesuvian visitors will never, ever, ever see — try to observe for a long time first, soak it in, get your bearings. And then when you do start interacting with the natives remember you’re a guest, not a colonizer. It’s their world. Show lots of respect, be accepting despite the differences, don’t be easily offended, and seek to understand before you seek to be understood.

It’s not Venus. And it never will be. Wanting Mars to be like Venus would be like thinking China would be better if only it were exactly like America. (And some fellow American tourists, I was embarrassed to find in town after town, bellowed just that at the top of their lungs every chance they got the whole stinkin’ time. I wondered why they bothered to travel at all?) Sure, China isn’t perfect, but if we’re truly honest with ourselves neither is America (or wherever you live). China is in fact the oldest continuous civilization on earth. That didn’t happen because they “just don’t get it.”  Kinda like Mars. Visit if you dare, and tread lightly if you do. It’s a fascinating, fascinating place.

Note: The following links were kindly provided by a native to Mars, one of the first to reach out to me on my own maiden voyage, and a most trusted, knowledgeable, worthy, and able guide. When traveling, I find it’s always best to start with a local’s recommendations, then branch out from there. Think of it as a must see list. Unlike this blog from Venus to others on Venus, the blogs in this list are ones by Martians, for Martians.

Another hint, on Mars it’s not just about the destination itself, read on and discover what the commenters have to say in reaction to the host. That’s often where the good (and brace yourself — also often absolutely outrageously shocking from a Vesuvian point of view) stuff lies. Not everyone on Mars gets it, particularly about Venus, but be patient and I think you will find many of them do. And those ones want nothing more than to help Vesuvians truly, truly, truly understand life on Mars. Ignore the static, search for the signals. If you do, I guarantee you’ll find that some of the best people in the universe can be found on Mars!

Safe travels! And if you find yourself in trouble, tell them Red Pill Girl (aka Bloom) sent you. If you follow all of the the advice above, while they may not serve it up sugar coated on Mars, chances are there will be someone there to help with translation or point you in the right way. If you don’t follow the advice above, I can’t help you. You will deserve what you get. You have been warned.

And remember, it’s going to be a wild and crazy adventure. Chances are you’ll never see life on Venus, or Mars, the same again.

(Here is where I hug you and wish you all the best, look you sternly in the eye one last time, then say, “and sister — don’t make me regret ever sharing Mars with you!”)

Oh and one last thing, if you read something you don’t like (and you will) remember hate message, not the messenger.

Can a Woman Raise a Man?

07 Sunday Dec 2014

Posted by in Gender

≈ 40 Comments

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Comments about my recent post on “The Return of Masculinity” raised an interesting question,
Can a woman raise a man?”

Or in other words can a mom, especially a single mom, raise a son to be a man? Can she teach him what he needs to know as a man? Guide him in being a man?

I am a single mom, but I have two daughters, no sons. So while I cannot comment on mothering a boy as a single mom, I can comment firsthand on watching my mother try to do so.

My father survived Vietnam but tragically passed away in a car accident after his return. My mom was 27. I was 2. My brother was 4. Now this affected all of us in in profound ways, to be sure, but I have often thought perhaps it affected my brother most of all.

Someone said to him, shortly after, that he was now “the man of the house.” Why people say the things they do when people die I will never know, but I am not sure whether it was to inspire him, or somehow comfort him, but I think what it did, at the tender age of four, was terrify him. That’s a lot to put on a four-year-old.

My mother had no job skills so she went back to school and a wonderful lady, who lived nearby, whose own children were grown, and had lost her own husband a few months prior sought my mom out and offered to babysit us, everyday while she was in school, for free. She was such a blessing to us, this spunky short spitfire of a lady from Kansas, and she made a tough time easier on us all.

But back to my brother. He was a handful. I think while my mom denied her grief as her way to hold it together, he exploded in his. Add that to the fact that he already had ADHD, and now nobody to roughhouse with, or to push back on him, he literally did rule our roost. My exhausted mother placated him with candy and other bribes, just adding to his energy and escalating demands.

Everyone was afraid of my brother at school, and so I never wanted for protection. I was figuratively under his wing, even into my teen years once a guy heard my last name, he was backing away and bowing least he have to deal with my brother’s wrath.

But at home, he was out of control. I can see now he was acting out his pain, but at the time he was a tyrant. He spoke to my mother horribly, and as he got older he bullied her and intimidated her. He bullies me too, and could be very unkind, but while he regularly threatened to pound on me, he never actually did. The older he got, the worse it got.

He played sports and was in Scouts and here and there participated in men’s activities, but outside of that he lived in a world of women between our family, our sitter, and my mom’s friends.

I am told my father was brilliant, and his father as well. Geniuses, they say. My brother is also incredibly intelligent, but in school he was completely undisciplined, between the ADHD and the lack of any real structure or support with homework at home, his grades were abysmal compared to his potential. (my mom, bless her, was homecoming queen, but she is not an intellectual and could not really help my bother past a certain point. I am told I take after my father in temperament and brains, but my brother is far, far smarter than I am.)

One man who took my brother under his wing was his high school band teacher. My brother was a musical prodigy, he said, able to pick up and play pretty much any instrument you put in front of him. He played alto saxophone in the band, and mostly electric guitar for fun at home. He loved Heavy Metal and his heroes were the lead guitar players from these bands.

My bother liked his band teacher (who was also a foster parent) a lot, and he asked my mom when he was in his sophomore year if he could move to his house. My mom was horrified, and said no, but thinking back I wonder if that would not have been the best thing that could happen. I think my brother wanted, and needed, very much a man to guide him.

I am surprised he graduated high school, between the skipping classes, smoking pot, drinking alcohol, minor run ins with the law, and riding his dirt bike at full tilt. But he did, somehow. His grades were equally bad when he went to the local community college. When they dipped below the level for him to continue to get his VA benefits, my mom gave him a choice, join the military or move out on your own. (My father was active duty when he died and so both my brother and I got monthly checks for college under the GI Bill.)

He joined the Marines, not because of his grades but because of his scores on their intelligence tests. Unfortunately he told them he had never smoked pot or used drugs. On his way to boot camp, they asked him again. He again said no. Their background checks confirmed different and they told him, “Son had you been honest with us, we would have been ok with it. But since you ;lied, you cannot become a Marine son, good luck.” My brother had to call my mom collect, from a city four hours away, for a ride home.

The next week he went to the Navy recruiter, told the tale, and signed up. I didn’t think he would last ten minutes in the service, with his attitude toward authority, but instead he was like a duck in water. He thrived with the structure, and the discipline, and the limits. They noticed he liked to boss people, so they put him in charge. He worked on aviation electronics and computers. He served 8 years before he left the military for a career in civil service. Because he could instantly see all the ways to hack into a computer system, he was assigned to electronic security and helped keep hackers out of some of the most important government offices in Washington DC.

He recently left the DC area and has moved to be near my mother and I. He’s looking for a job and is doing well. He never married, has no children. He desperately wants a partner, but he has always been unlucky in love. He falls had and fast and scares the ladies off, as far as I can see.

Anyway, back to the point, my mom raised my brother, but as hard as she tried she could not be both a mom and a dad to him. I would say many if not most of his life struggles are all related to not having my father. From small things like not having someone to teach him how to pee standing up, to big things like how to talk to girls, he was on his own to figure it out. It was a lot for a little guy of four, and I think it’s still a lot today.

I could tell of other examples, men I have dated who were raised by single moms and how that affected them, but maybe another time. For now I will leave it with this one tale.

If you ask me, “Can a woman raise a man?” I would say, “No.” She can do her damn best, and be a good mom, but if that boy has a father who wants to be a part of his life, she should set any feelings of her own aside and make sure her son gets regular and frequent time with his dad. If like in my brother’s case, that’s not possible, the next best thing would be to get him around his male kin: grandpas, uncles, and such. Failing that, get him into a male organization and try to find a stable and long term man to be a part of his life (maybe a neighbor or family friend, not a romantic interest of mom unless he’s going to be around for life.)

To be clear, I am not saying a single mom can not do right being a GREAT mom to her son, but she cannot be his dad too. She needs to make sure her son is around a man, as above. It’s best for her, and him, and his future.

To do any less than make sure her boy is around men, a mother will unintentionally cripple her son no matter how much she loves him or how hard she works. It’s not because she isn’t doing enough, it’s just the way it is. Boys need men. Men make boys become men. Boys who become men (chronologically) without a man in their life may continue to struggle in life into adulthood.

That’s my two cents, anyway. Take it for what it is, one firsthand account.

Let those with ears hear.