Category Archives: parenting

I am an IUD Oops Baby!

27 Friday Jan 2017

Posted by in parenting, Red Pill

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True story: I am an IUD oops baby, luckily born just shortly before abortion was legalized. Yep, I am a one percent-er!

My mom had the IUD installed after the birth of my brother, who was 9-months-old when I was conceived. Had abortion been available, I am pretty sure she would have chosen to have one because she has said many times she wanted at least a two-year spacing between kids.

Luckily for me, she could not make that choice, so she went ahead and here I am! (Then to be sure it didn’t happen again, she got her tubes tied when I was born. Lol!)

I am sure it was a hardship to be unexpectedly pregnant again while chasing after a very active 9-month-old who was just walking. And as my mom puts it, he never really walked, he ran!

Tragically, two years after I was born, my father died in a car accident and my mom was a 27-year-old widow with two kids under the age of 5. I can’t even imagine how trying those times must have been for her. It wasn’t easy for any of us.

My mom has said many times were it not for myself and my brother forcing her to carry on simply because we needed the daily care, she isn’t sure she would have made it through those years. And she was glad that she had my bother and me, small parts of my dad living on. She could see him in us, in behaviors or physical traits, and it comforted her.

My mom says now she couldn’t imagine her life without me, or without her two granddaughters. And of course, I can’t imagine life without me or my kids, either! Had my mom had the right to choose, these very words you are reading probably never would have been written, my story never told!

Sometimes things happen. Those things may not be planned or ideal. But life has taught me that it’s best to roll with it, because none of us knows what lies ahead, and life has also shown me that if you just take things one day at a time, it works out, no matter how impossible it may seem at the time.

I am glad I beat the 99 percent odds against my ever having been, and I am happy to still be alive today to tell the tale!

Let those who have ears hear.

 

 

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They Will Attach to Someone

19 Monday Dec 2016

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I have just started reading a book, “Hold Onto Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers” by Gordon Neufeld and Gabor Mate,  recommended by regular commenter HappyHousewife, and wanted to share the simple premise so far and how it explains much of what we see happening in our culture today.

Simply put, human babies and children form a primary attachment that guides them as they learn and grow. In years past, this attachment was naturally to the parents, who were the primary caregivers when most families lived an agricultural based, small village lifestyle.

This lifestyle can still be found in places today, such as Provence, France.  Children socialize as part of their family’s socializing. Everyone knows everyone. Multi-generational groups are the norm. Children were rarely apart from their parents, and when so were with people they knew through them.

Compare this to today’s post-industrial urban lifestyle where both parents work, children are often in group daycare from a young age, spend more time in childcare than with their parents, then the pattern is continued with schooling, often coming home to an empty house. Rather than bonding to their parents as the primary bond, these children attach to those they interact most with — their peers.

This sets kids up in a blind leading the blind sort of way. Language, learning, motor skills, and many other things are delayed because they are learning from these peers, who understand or master such skills just as little as they do. Also bad, peer attachment can be brutal, as it is not based on the unconditional love parent attachment is, but can be very fickle.

Additionally, whomever the child considers the primary bond is who they will follow,   listen to, try to please, develop morals from, etc. Children who are not listening to their parents, the author speculates, don’t have a behavior problem, they have a relationship problem. The solution isn’t punishment and rules, it’s reestablishing yourself as the primary attachment in their life (I have not got to this part of the book yet, the “how to” part.) Without it, you are fighting a losing battle.

As I said I am just starting the book, but already I can see there will likely be lots of post topics springing out of it.

It is a great time for me to be reading this book because so far, I still am the primary source of attachment in my children’s lives, and now I can see even more why I want to keep things that way until they reach adulthood.

Today, many children in the pre-teen and teen years become peer focused, causing the many problems we see today of formerly “good” kids suddenly not listening to their parents anymore, because they are listening to their friends (and other influences like media) instead. While society says it is, “normal” this author speculates it is not, and it is something parents should be aware of preventing. If their friends rule, trouble ensues.

Looking back at my own childhood I can see I peer attached at a rather young age. How about you? Thoughts?

 

When Hormones Attack

16 Friday Dec 2016

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Yesterday, my oldest daughter got a look on her face I know very well — the face when hormones attack.

It started with a misunderstanding on her part that it was Friday, when it was actually Thursday. She had been particularly happy it was Friday, because that was the last day before Christmas break. So I can understand her disappointment to discover, no, tomorrow is Friday and there is one more day of school before break.

This daughter is and always has been low key, quiet, and mild.  So when I saw THAT look on her face, I do not even know how to describe it, besides “I am about to implode in rage and I may just take this whole place down with me!!!!” Kind of the look on Carrie’s face in the movie when the mean kids dump pigs blood on her. Yeah. Terrifying.

She was otherwise totally, eerily quiet. Then she said, “But my phone said it was Thursday yesterday.”

Trying to offset the darkness with light, I chirped in as cheery of a voice as I could manage, “Oh dear, I don’t know how that could be? Shoot. Let’s look…” and then I showed her on both my cell phone and computer, it was, sadly, indeed Thursday.

I could see her internal hormone cloud swirling and increasing in size by the minute. The eye of the storm was approaching fast. Gulp. She was NOT happy. She stared right at me, with that haunting look, as if to demand that I fix it and fix it now.

Oh dear.

At this point I realized that the cart may be about to come flying off the wheels at any moment, remembering my own hormonal storms at her age. So I did what all good moms would do. I explained I needed five minutes alone, and I walked outside. Before whatever possessing my child made her head start spinning around and projectile green vomit to come directly my way.

I strolled around in the brisk air a bit, and then I see her, stomping with that same look on her face, across the yard toward me.

I reminded her I was taking five minutes, and really would be right back. I said, “I am feeling a bit overwhelmed for some reason at the moment, and I just need to get a grip on myself.” (Hoping she would think to herself, “Yeah, me too.”)

She stomped back to the house and I finished my five minute stroll.

When I came back in the house, I could tell the storm had passed, she had mentally moved on, and that disaster had been averted.

And to her credit she never did “lose it” despite my knowing she absolutely wanted to (and I know, because I have been there my hormonal self.)

I started making dinner, asking for her to help me and otherwise keeping busy. As we were almost done cooking, I said to her, “I think what just happened was hormones. Did you feel that intense feeling?” She agreed, and then I continued, “But I am so proud of you for not losing it. Lots of girls do, and can cause a lot of unnecessary drama. Sometimes you will feel like this, and when it happens, remember it is hormones and what you are feeling is turned up by 10 because of that.”

She totally got it. Whew.

Of course we will see month after month to come, but the younger women can be taught to recognize a hormonal storm and how to contain the disaster, and control their emotions in general, the better.

Or maybe I really should consider building a tower where she can be for the next few years. I can see now why such stories exist!

 

Balancing Family and Work

15 Thursday Dec 2016

Posted by in parenting

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I found the quotes in this article about Kellyanne Conway turning down a top White House appointment very interesting.

Now, no doubt Conway has been working non-stop for the past year plus. She has a super quick wit, a resolve of steel, unwavering loyalty to her candidate, she’s tenacious as a bulldog, obviously driven, passionate about her beliefs, and doesn’t back down when the media attacks. She broke through the “glass ceiling” by becoming  the first female campaign manager for a presidential candidate. And her candidate won, to boot.

One would think she’d jump at the chance to be a central figure in the new administration, after all she has done. She’s certainly earned it. But no. Why? As she puts it:

“And when I was discussing my role with other senior campaign folks, they would say, “I know you have four kids, but…” I said, “There’s nothing that comes after the ‘but’ that makes any sense to me, so don’t even try.” Like, what is the “but”? But they’ll eat Cheerios for the rest of life? Like, nobody will brush their teeth again until I get home? I mean, it just—what is the “but”?

No doubt she’s missed a lot of her children’s lives this past year. And she recognizes that.

And she continues:

“And I do politely mention to them that the question isn’t, would you take the job? The male sitting across from me who’s going to take a big job in the White House. The question is, would you want your wife to? And you really see their whole—would you want the mother of your children do that? You really see their entire visage change. It’s like, oh no, they wouldn’t want their wife to take that job. So, it’s all good.”

Good for her for recognizing her children will only be young for a short time, and that being their mom during those critical years is also a very important job. And that she is the only person in the world that can do it.

Sure she could hire childcare, have family watch them, or even employ personal nannies. But none of those people would be her children’s mom, and she knows it.

It seems rather than viewing her decision as, “throwing it all away” she seems to get there are seasons in a woman’s life. Politics will be there when her children are grown (maybe she will be the first female president?) but her children’s childhood will never come again.

Imagine having Kellyanne Conway as your mom, pouring all that into you. What child wouldn’t want a mom like her in their corner?

 

 

 

 

The Girl and Boy Games Start Early

05 Monday Dec 2016

Posted by in parenting, Relationships

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If you have every been around preschool or grade school aged kids, you may have noticed the girl and boy games start early. My youngest, now in grade school, recently encountered one of the trickiest girl games, and I have to say she handled it like a champ.

There is a boy in her class who right from day one declared he thought she was the bee’s knees. And beautiful. And that he loved her. And wanted to marry her. The kid is “a natural,” clean cut and good looking. He’s got game already!

Every day after that he waited for her to arrive. I walked her to class the first few weeks, so I go to witness his face light up at the sight of her, watch him rush over, say, “Hi” and then the compliments would begin.

Then he started to “kiss” her. He was savvy enough to know that rather than actually try to kiss her, he would make a little “beak” like with his fingers and peck her on the cheek.

“Momma, why does he do and say all that?” she’d ask me after giving her daily report.

Now before the manosphere perhaps I would have overreacted, read something sinister into it, worry that he would hurt my little girl. But thanks to the guys around here, I knew by then that nope, he was just a sweet little boy with a crush. So I told her just that, and said to be nice to him, and take it as a compliment, then say to him, “My mom says I am too young for all this.”

I was also tempted to ask him what his career goals were, or to see how many camels, sheep, and goats his family might have to offer. (Kidding!)

Now that’s not the tricky part, although navigating girl-and-boy games can be tricky indeed. No, the tricky part was that her friends who were girls started to get jealous and to wish this boy was crushing on them instead. They started to chase him at recess, and try to win his affections away.

But he didn’t waver. He had made his decision. I thought that was very touching, and that it showed him to be of good character rather than a gadabout. (I am a momma bear, after all.)

After a few days when I asked her how she handled it, the girl games, she said matter of fact, “I told them it is not my fault he likes me. And that they didn’t need to get him to like them, they just needed to find their own love of their life. And that he was out there. Somewhere.” The girls accepted this, and all remained friends.

Lol. Out of the mouth of babes! She’s spunky, that one!

If these two actually do end up getting married, I will for sure be writing a country song about all this.

A Question for Other Moms?

16 Wednesday Nov 2016

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I have a friend who at one time had four children under the age of five, none of them twins. One thing I noticed, was she was nearly always in the kitchen.

Of course one reason was because all those people were nearly always hungry, so cooking was a needed task. And she enjoyed cooking and was good at it.

But I realized another possible reason for her retreat to the kitchen after noticing the same with my own kids — one of the few times my kids will entertain themselves and give me a bit of peace and quiet is when I am cooking!

I get the same effect, but less so, when I am housecleaning. The kids might interrupt but not nearly to the degree as if I try to sit down and browse the web, write a post, read a book, etc.

I am curious if other moms have noticed kids chillaxing while mom is cooking and/or cleaning? Are there other times you notice the same?

I realized why women didn’t rule the world shortly after having my first child, btw. Kids can prevent a mom from getting stuff done more than anything…. it seems! Lol.

Another thing I am realizing more and more. They grow up quick. Someday I will miss all this as I sit in total quiet reading a book and wishing the kiddos were still little! Sniff.

What do you think?