Category Archives: parenting

Busy

31 Tuesday Jul 2018

Posted by in Fempire, parenting, Red Pill

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This is a busy time of year for me and will be for the next few months. As they say, one must make hay while the sun shines.

That said, at this time of year I can also really question the messages I received in early childhood and beyond. That it was all about having a career, being successful, being, “just like a man.”

Perhaps all that is possible minus children, and indeed before I had kids I focused mainly on building my career. But now I find myself in the situation that my busy season coincides with my kids summer break.

I sometimes try to picture what life as, “just a mom” would be like. Sadly it’s so foreign to me, and has never been my world, that I can’t really even picture it.  What would I do with all that time? Who would I “be” without my career? I really have no idea.

One of the big reasons I was encouraged to have a career was because it was supposed to provide a woman with freedom. Freedom from dependence, freedom from being left in the lurch, the freedom of being able to support oneself.

What they don’t tell you is it becomes a trap, too. Once you have a career, especially a successful one, people naturally expect you to continue. Having a career often involves significant investment (education, time, energy, etc.) walking away from that career means losing all that investment. And having a career does provide income, income you and others then often don’t feel you can give up once you have it.

Something else they don’t tell you is everything has a price. There’s no magical path of all upside.

My career has created revenue, yes, but has come at significant cost, as well. To both myself and others. It’s simply impossible to have it all. So I have a great career, but it takes away from other spheres (important, critical ones) no matter how hard I try to “balance” it all.

So is it really freedom? Is it really better?

These are the questions I ask myself as I pay others to take my kids swimming or to enjoy some summer fun while I work.

I guess i did it. I really am just like a man, at least in one way.  Men rarely get to take summer off, spend the days playing with their kids either.

Yay feminism.

What do you think? Please share in the comments.

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The IKEA Illusion

20 Friday Jul 2018

Posted by in parenting, Red Pill

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Yesterday, my oldest daughter and I picked up a bookcase she has long admired from IKEA for a birthday gift.

She’s been showing a lot of interest in decorating and rearranging her room over the past few years, something I have encouraged as I see it as practice for feathering and keeping her future home as an adult.

She’s shown herself to be quite creative and frugal — repurposing, restyling, and reusing items or moving them around and mixing things up to create fresh new spaces.

Shes also adopted a “less is more” approach, and has already learned that her room looks better and is easier to keep tidy if there’s less “extra stuff” in it.

She loves to study images of home decor, getting ideas and inspiration for seasonal touches or ways to make her room more cozy, comfortable, and inviting. All in all I think these are all good things to be learning and exploring not to mention practice for the future.  She could certainly be interested in less wholesome teenage pursuits and I am so thankful that she’s not.

But back to the bookcase. It was an adventure for us to go to the store, admire the various showroom displays filled with creative and appealing ideas, find the bookcase, load it onto the cart together, then into and out of the car, pack the big box into the house, and assemble it.

I am not the most handy person but I was the handiest of the two so my daughter looked to me to lead the way. We read through the instructions and got down to it. I gathered the tools and we went to work, step-by-step. Luckily there were no major snafus and after an hour or so of good mother-daughter bonding the bookcase was built.

As we were nearly done it occurred to me that we had just experienced the IKEA illusion — that with few skills or tools two rather not-handy people could successfully build something themselves!

I seized the teachable moment and we had a really interesting discussion about this illusion and how often in modern life we forget that for most of the history of humankind things did not come pre-cut, pre-drilled, pre-painted in a box with instructions.

We assembled the bookcase, but we did not make it. Without those who designed, engineered, planned, sourced the materials, cut, painted, drilled, packaged, and sold the bookcase, we would not have had that moment. Because of them, we could.

It was an interesting thing to reflect on and I could tell she understood. We may have successfully put it together but that’s does not mean we “built” that bookcase or that we now have all the knowledge and skill to build bookcases independently on our own in the future. It’s only an illusion that we, “did it ourselves.”

In any case, it looks great and she’s happily reorganizing, decorating, and dreaming of ways to make her little nest more cozy. It was a fun experience and an unexpected red pill moment!

What do you think? Please share in the comments.

Patriarchy

12 Thursday Jul 2018

Posted by in Fempire, parenting, Red Pill, Relationships

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When you hear the word patriarchy, what images and thoughts come up?

For many raised in a post-feminist world, images or thoughts of oppression, violence, anger, intolerance, abuse, toxic masculinity, and victimization may come to mind.

Yesterday I saw an example of patriarchy that defied all those images and labels. An example that perhaps more truly reflects the true concept of patriarchy.

I noticed the children first, at a small local family fun park where the girls and I had gone to spend a beautiful summer afternoon.

The kids ranged in age from about 17 down. There were lots of them, and they beamed with happiness and joy, good naturedly joking with each other, playing tag, and clearly enjoying themselves. There was a distinct innocence to them, a carefreeness and sense of absolute security.

They were all tastefully dressed, not overtly any distinct religious faith but also not in the latest fashions. Timeless but not at all out of fashion either. The girls wore girl cut T-shirt’s and skirts with Capri leggings underneath, and their faces were glowing and fresh but make-up free.  The boys wore T-shirt’s and shorts.

I could tell they were likely related because of their similar appearance and obvious close ties, I figured perhaps they were cousins.

A man not much older than myself followed the youngest girl, a cute and spunky little blond. She scrambled up to the top of a tall slide and fearlessly barreled down, calling to and waving to the man the whole way.

He laughed and beamed with pride. “Hard to believe she only weighed three pounds when she was born,” he said to me out of the blue. “She was 9 weeks early.”

“I was just thinking what a daredevil she is,” I replied. He beamed even more.

”She’s the youngest of 12,” he said, gesturing to the other kids who bounded around happily, playifully. “She’s three.”

“That’s fantastic!” I replied. “How old is the oldest?”

”Twenty-six,” he replied. “Ages 26 to 3!”

”Any grandkids yet?” I asked?

”The first is on the way this January,” he said.

”Congratulations!” I replied. He smiled a  lovingly proud smile.

The little girl then dashed off to the next activity and he followed at a close but not hovering distance.

Later in the evening I saw him and his wife. He tenderly held her arm as they steered through the crowd of people gathered on the grassy hill to enjoy a performance., heading back to their brood. They looked very content and happy.

I reflected on this couple and their children and thought how this patriarchy wasn’t as so often described — looked nothing like that, actually. It was remarkably refreshing, this family’s dynamic, I found myself wishing more families (of any and all sizes) today looked like that. Happy. Joyful. Secure.

Perhaps the patriarchy isn’t as it’s been portrayed? Perhaps there’s a much more positive side that is rarely celebrated or acknowledged today?

What do you think? Please share in the comments.

 

Father Insurance

17 Sunday Jun 2018

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On Father’s Day, it seems like a great time to bring up some statistics that show dads do a lot more for their kids than simply contribute genetic material. Consider:

  • 63% of youth suicides are from fatherless homes (US Dept. Of Health/Census) – 5 times the average.
  • 90% of all homeless and runaway children are from fatherless homes – 32 times the average.
  • 85% of all children who show behavior disorders come from fatherless homes – 20 times the average.  (Center for Disease Control)
  • 80% of rapists with anger problems come from fatherless homes –14 times the average.  (Justice & Behavior, Vol 14, p. 403-26)
  • 71% of all high school dropouts come from fatherless homes – 9 times the average.  (National Principals Association Report)

To say dads are any less critical to raising healthy, well developed children is ignoring reality. So today, thank a dad for all they do for kids — and for society!

Happy Father’s Day.

What  do you think? Please share in the comments!

Working Mom Blues

17 Thursday May 2018

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Even though I work from home, I still face many challenges other working moms do, and some unique to work from home moms.

For example, my youngest is home sick today, and was yesterday as well. And that’s the struggle of being a working mom — it doesn’t matter that I am under the gun with a big deadline this week, and had an important meeting I had to cancel, and have a long to-do list of mission critical stuff otherwise. It all screeches to a halt, or a slow crawl at best.

I am not sure how moms who work in an office do it — I can’t imagine I would be able to hold down a traditional job and take off as many days a year as kids get sick. I wonder how many working moms are forced to make this choice — send your kids to school sick or send them to daycare sick. Neither is ideal, both for the sick child of course, and because this only spreads the illness around to other kids.

If I worked at a traditional job and had to take the day off, I’d go without pay but at the same time I would not be trying to do what I have been for the past two days… try to work in bits and spurts anyway. When you work from home and run your own business, there really is no “on the clock and off the clock.” Or one has to be really strict with themselves, because it’s just too easy for those lines to blur.

Not that I am not thankful I can make a living from home. At least I am not working 9 to 5 and then commuting on top of that three hours a day. I know many working moms face that situation, and I can only imagine what that schedule must be like. Grueling.

I suppose what I am feeling and am trying to say is being a working woman and being a working mom are two different worlds. And the worlds “working” and “mom” don’t always fit together so well.  In fact, I often feel like I am doing a half a$$ job at both.

I know being a SAHM has its challenges too, everything does (and I am not implying being a SAHM is not a job in itself, clearly it is!) But part of me wishes when my kids had a sick day, I could just spend it nurturing them without feeling anxiety about all the things I need to get done for work that I can’t, yet also feeling guilty for not being able to simply be in the moment with a sick kiddo either. To add to it, I am now sick myself.

It’s times like this I really resent who ever sold society on this working mom bit and that because of that I was raised to think I somehow could do it all, and all at once, and not skip a beat, and if I couldn’t I was some kind of a failure. I’d really like to slap that someone (or multiple somebody) right now! Instead I write about it, push back on the crazy or at least call it out, because somebody has to, right?

Anyway, thanks for listening to my rant. It helps to get it off my chest. (Not that I really had time to write it but better than just stuffing the emotions, or blowing up, hopefully my taking the time to write this not only helped me feel better, but will help someone else, too.) This too shall pass. Back to double duty, and really I am just going to do my best and try to feel while maybe not perfect, it is enough, and try to have a cheerful heart despite the current situation. As I often remind myself when I get in a funk, things really could be a whole lot worse (My child could have a serious illness instead of a minor one, I could have no work or income and we could be losing our home, etc.) and for that I am thankful they are not!

What do you think? Please share in the comments.

Happy Mother

13 Sunday May 2018

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My youngest made a book for me at school for Mother ‘s Day. It’s made up of short sentences where she filled in the blanks. She wrote:

My mother is as beautiful as “a purple unicorn.” (She originally wrote a rose, crossed that out, and then upped it to purple unicorn.)

My mother is as sweet as “candy.” (Awwwww.)

My mother is as smart as “an elephant.” (Maybe I never forget things? Lol.)

My mother is as special as “God.” (Wow! I almost cried as she looked at me beaming. Then I said, “Oh honey,  I am so glad you think so, but I think I may be just a little bit less!” Lol.)

Both my kids have such sweet hearts and they love their momma. Feeling very blessed.

Happy Mother’s Day everyone!

Help For Burned Out Mommies

10 Thursday May 2018

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As regular commenter Stephanie recently wrote, as Mother’s Day approaches, she’s seeing more and more posts on social media bemoaning being a mom.

It’s a common phrase, “Being a mom is hard.” And for sure, there can be hard moments. But if you find yourself feeling it’s hard most of the time, chances are you may be a burned out mommy.

Many times it isn’t the mom part, as much as it is being spread too thin otherwise. Take a look at your schedule, are there some things on it that you feel you “have” to do when really they could be optional? Ask what you could pare back to take some of the pressure off.

If you are a working mom, chances are that alone may be pushing you over the edge. Over the past few generations it has become the norm that most moms are also working moms.  Basically that’s like working two jobs. No wonder these moms are so stressed out! If this sounds all to familiar, it might be time to reexamine. Before you say you can’t afford it, ask yourself what it is costing you, your kids, and your relationship to continue. Could you work less? Cut back on expenses? There are many articles on this topic online, and you might be amazed to find after you subtract out what it’s costing you to be a working mom, you aren’t really earning as much money as you thought. In any case, this is not meant to add guilt. Rather it’s meant to relieve it — maybe it’s not YOU, maybe it’s that you are trying to do too much?

Likewise, things like extracirricular activities and sports can be the straw that breaks the camel’s back. You may feel like your kids NEED to do these things, but I would bet they would rather not do so much if that meant having more quality time with you and a happier, less stressed out mom! When such activities aren’t fun anymore, it may be a sign to take a break.

Maybe you are a stay at home mom? In this case, one reason I see moms getting burned out is because they spend TOO much time at home. If this is the case, look into low cost kid-friendly activities in your area. Getting out of the house to go to story time at the library or the local park doesn’t cost anything, but it helps break up monotony and not only gets your kids around other kids, you’ll find yourself meeting new people who you might share common interests with.  Sometimes just packing up cranky kids and going for a drive can be enough to snap everyone out of a bad mood. At the time it may seem like more work, but trust me it’s often a lot easier than staying home with stir crazy kiddos.

One more possible cause of mommy burnout can be a lack of planning. If you find yourself living in reaction to the day rather than feeling in control of it, this may be the cause. Sitting down once a week to map out meals, a few craft or play projects, some outings, as well as the things that need to get done like shopping and things around the house can help tame an unmanageable schedule. Knowing where your day is going right from the start can take a lot of stress off and help make sure all that needs to get done is, and that there is time allotted to do so.

Likewise, remember to take time to nurture yourself. Practice good self care: Eat well, get enough rest, make sure you are moving, and do little things you love to refuel your energy tanks so you can in turn nurture others.

In the end, while it may not feel like it at the time, the years your children are living at home will pass quickly. And those years will never come again. Fill them with fun times, happy memories, joy, and play. Not only will you find more days being happy mother days, you’ll be giving your kids a gift that will pay off for life — a happy childhood.

What do you think? Do you have any suggestions or insights on coping with mommy burnout? Found ideas that worked for you? Seen other people do something different that worked well? Please share in the comments!

Upping Her Game

27 Tuesday Feb 2018

Posted by in parenting, Red Pill, Relationships

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A stay at home mom I met via my youngest”s former preschool has been making a positive transformation over the past few years.

Its hard to guess her age, but I suspect she may be younger than I initially thought. As far as I know she and her husband have been together since college. They have three boys, the oldest is around 15.

When I first met her she was matronly. Baggy ill fitting clothes. A short “busy mom” haircut with little style or flair. A thick but not obese figure. And she always looked tired. She looked lonely.

When I met her husband I was surprised how much more attractive he was than she. Tall. Fit. Well dressed. Professional. He’s an architect, his brother a doctor. In college I suspect he was geeky and thin, but today he’s grown into his frame and is a good looking man.

I puzzled at the mismatch and wondered how that had occurred. I suspect she had lost herself in three young children and the stay at home churn. I worried.

Maybe a year later I started to notice little changes. She started adding a bit of flair to her outfits. A pop of color. A flattering style. Her hair improved too. Gone was the blah blob hair, and in its place was a still easy but more flattering layered wash and wear look.  She was slimming down.

Rather than the rudderlessnrss of days before, she seemed to be signing up for activities and had plans for the time her kids were in school.  Instead of showing up in sweats like she just rolled out of bed, she’d showered and done her hair and gotten ready.

Not to be unkind but she’s not a natural beauty. But the changes she made have been a big improvement. Instead of, “a mom who has given up” now she’s striking, pulled together, interesting, polished. Not a head turner but also making the most of the look she’s got, similar to Lynnn Redgrave, maybe.

I don’t get the feeling there was struggle in her marriage, her husband seems like a kind good man, who is good to her, still a bit of a goofball underneath. I really think it was about her, and what happens to many women as moms, who momentarily lose them self, and I am so glad she seems to have pulled herself together and decided SHE needed to make her life what she wanted. And did.

It was a really wise move, to take responsibility for her own happiness rather than blame her husband or family or leave her marriage or some silliness thinking that was the answer.

I don’t know her well but from what I see she’s back on her path. Makes me happy to see it!

What do you think? Please share in the comments.

A Life Well Lived

07 Wednesday Feb 2018

Posted by in parenting, Relationships

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The other day I was talking with a couple about to celebrate their 55th wedding anniversary. I didn’t ask their ages but he mentioned being born in 1939, although I would have never guessed it.

They are both fit and spry, more so than many people 15 or 20 or even more their junior. They look healthy, like they have eaten well, not overdone anything, and taken good care of themselves consistently.

They speak fondly to and of each other, and their children and grandchildren. It’s clear they are actively a part of their family’s lives and visit or meet up often even though the kids live across the country.

Both former schoolteachers, they say they never had a lot but the wife proudly said how her husband steadily put a little away all along and that has lasted for 20 years in retirement, likely along with teacher’s pensions. They talk of world travels taken through community ed programs and meeting up with all the clan yearly in Hawaii.

For their anniversary they are going on a six-week trip to the Caribbean, part cruise and part land. Even though she’s already tiny she mentioned she’s dieting, as she wants to look good by the pool. (So cute!)

They are both well dressed and well groomed in a solid but not flashy way. It’s clear despite their age they still take pride in their appearance and looking their best.

I found myself thinking they were a good example of a life well lived. They had invested in themselves, each other, their children, and their community. Small but steady good choices that have all added up.

I have no doubt they have endured struggles, but at the same time it’s clear the good has far outweighed the bad. It sure looked good compared to what’s happening today.

Wise choices, frugality, healthy living, moderation, and deep bonds may seem “boring” to some, but I personally think their story is a beautiful one. I’d love a family and life like that. Simple and true.

I wondered if such a life is now a thing of the past or if it’s still possible even in today’s day and age?

What do you think equals a life well lived? Please share in the comments!

Normal is the New Normal

05 Monday Feb 2018

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This is the phrase of the week in my home. Written on the fridge in dry erase marker and everything. The kiddos have been put on notice.

The world may be coming undone but normal is the new normal in my home. I have decided it just makes sense.

Actually things are far from normal but we are going to aim for it. I figure even 80 percent is a win. After all, I have a little and two pre-teens (one, not mine, who made some really bad choices this weekend and is in super big time out for sneaking out w a friend in the middle of the night while supposedly on a sleep over at her big sister’s) and no time to waste setting the expectation bar.

I may not be ready for it but that doesn’t change the reality that it’s a whole new (teen) era and I am now a mom of two and a life coach and drill Sargent all in one for mine plus one. It’s sink or swim. Four (and some change) critical years lie ahead for the older ones, and little is watching and learning. No time to waste. Red pill time. I will not lose them on my watch.

What do you think of normal being the new normal as a family goal? Please share in the comments.

p.s. Feel free to add potential future phrases of the week for consideration in the comments as well. Seriously under consideration for next week is, “Adapt or die” (said w a wink but also THE look. Gotta keep ’em guessing!)