Category Archives: parenting

Upping Her Game

27 Tuesday Feb 2018

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A stay at home mom I met via my youngest”s former preschool has been making a positive transformation over the past few years.

Its hard to guess her age, but I suspect she may be younger than I initially thought. As far as I know she and her husband have been together since college. They have three boys, the oldest is around 15.

When I first met her she was matronly. Baggy ill fitting clothes. A short “busy mom” haircut with little style or flair. A thick but not obese figure. And she always looked tired. She looked lonely.

When I met her husband I was surprised how much more attractive he was than she. Tall. Fit. Well dressed. Professional. He’s an architect, his brother a doctor. In college I suspect he was geeky and thin, but today he’s grown into his frame and is a good looking man.

I puzzled at the mismatch and wondered how that had occurred. I suspect she had lost herself in three young children and the stay at home churn. I worried.

Maybe a year later I started to notice little changes. She started adding a bit of flair to her outfits. A pop of color. A flattering style. Her hair improved too. Gone was the blah blob hair, and in its place was a still easy but more flattering layered wash and wear look.  She was slimming down.

Rather than the rudderlessnrss of days before, she seemed to be signing up for activities and had plans for the time her kids were in school.  Instead of showing up in sweats like she just rolled out of bed, she’d showered and done her hair and gotten ready.

Not to be unkind but she’s not a natural beauty. But the changes she made have been a big improvement. Instead of, “a mom who has given up” now she’s striking, pulled together, interesting, polished. Not a head turner but also making the most of the look she’s got, similar to Lynnn Redgrave, maybe.

I don’t get the feeling there was struggle in her marriage, her husband seems like a kind good man, who is good to her, still a bit of a goofball underneath. I really think it was about her, and what happens to many women as moms, who momentarily lose them self, and I am so glad she seems to have pulled herself together and decided SHE needed to make her life what she wanted. And did.

It was a really wise move, to take responsibility for her own happiness rather than blame her husband or family or leave her marriage or some silliness thinking that was the answer.

I don’t know her well but from what I see she’s back on her path. Makes me happy to see it!

What do you think? Please share in the comments.

A Life Well Lived

07 Wednesday Feb 2018

Posted by in parenting, Relationships

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The other day I was talking with a couple about to celebrate their 55th wedding anniversary. I didn’t ask their ages but he mentioned being born in 1939, although I would have never guessed it.

They are both fit and spry, more so than many people 15 or 20 or even more their junior. They look healthy, like they have eaten well, not overdone anything, and taken good care of themselves consistently.

They speak fondly to and of each other, and their children and grandchildren. It’s clear they are actively a part of their family’s lives and visit or meet up often even though the kids live across the country.

Both former schoolteachers, they say they never had a lot but the wife proudly said how her husband steadily put a little away all along and that has lasted for 20 years in retirement, likely along with teacher’s pensions. They talk of world travels taken through community ed programs and meeting up with all the clan yearly in Hawaii.

For their anniversary they are going on a six-week trip to the Caribbean, part cruise and part land. Even though she’s already tiny she mentioned she’s dieting, as she wants to look good by the pool. (So cute!)

They are both well dressed and well groomed in a solid but not flashy way. It’s clear despite their age they still take pride in their appearance and looking their best.

I found myself thinking they were a good example of a life well lived. They had invested in themselves, each other, their children, and their community. Small but steady good choices that have all added up.

I have no doubt they have endured struggles, but at the same time it’s clear the good has far outweighed the bad. It sure looked good compared to what’s happening today.

Wise choices, frugality, healthy living, moderation, and deep bonds may seem “boring” to some, but I personally think their story is a beautiful one. I’d love a family and life like that. Simple and true.

I wondered if such a life is now a thing of the past or if it’s still possible even in today’s day and age?

What do you think equals a life well lived? Please share in the comments!

Normal is the New Normal

05 Monday Feb 2018

Posted by in parenting, Red Pill

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This is the phrase of the week in my home. Written on the fridge in dry erase marker and everything. The kiddos have been put on notice.

The world may be coming undone but normal is the new normal in my home. I have decided it just makes sense.

Actually things are far from normal but we are going to aim for it. I figure even 80 percent is a win. After all, I have a little and two pre-teens (one, not mine, who made some really bad choices this weekend and is in super big time out for sneaking out w a friend in the middle of the night while supposedly on a sleep over at her big sister’s) and no time to waste setting the expectation bar.

I may not be ready for it but that doesn’t change the reality that it’s a whole new (teen) era and I am now a mom of two and a life coach and drill Sargent all in one for mine plus one. It’s sink or swim. Four (and some change) critical years lie ahead for the older ones, and little is watching and learning. No time to waste. Red pill time. I will not lose them on my watch.

What do you think of normal being the new normal as a family goal? Please share in the comments.

p.s. Feel free to add potential future phrases of the week for consideration in the comments as well. Seriously under consideration for next week is, “Adapt or die” (said w a wink but also THE look. Gotta keep ’em guessing!)

 

Teach Your Children Well

26 Friday Jan 2018

Posted by in parenting, Red Pill

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Recently I had the experience of sitting with a 22-year-old gal as she filled out online job applications. Let’s just say, it became painfully obvious very quickly, this girl is in no way prepared for the world. Not even close.

I’ll spare the details to preserve the innocent but let’s just say if one thinks answering the question, “How long do you plan to stay in this job?” with “A. Less than three months” (even if true) is the “best” answer, one is missing something. Likewise filling out FOUR online job applications (and one’s top picks at that) with a cell phone number that is currently disabled because one didn’t pay it, as the primary contact, without realizing that is not a good plan until I pointed out the obvious, well… I was speechless.

Now I don’t know her well enough to know her whole story, but my guess is there is a big fail in there somewhere in the parenting of this young woman. My guess is the parent/s took the friend-rather-than-leader route, so popular today. She may mean well but she’s as clueless as a lamb to slaughter, wholly unprepared for the reality of life as an adult ahead. And with no safety net to fall back on, no kin themselves able to carry her for a bit more, this kid is really looking at a very tough and not fun future.

It’s all obviously her problem and responsibility to deal with now, but I would say it’s not totally her fault. Not that excuses will solve anything. It’s now time for this gal to focus on the solution, not the problem, or the source of these problems. After she overcomes them, maybe then she will have time for that. But first she’s got to grasp the problem, which her lax attitude did not seem to suggest.

All this brought to mind a quote I heard somewhere along the way, maybe in comments here, that kids have enough friends, what they need their mom and dad to do for them is to be their parents. Amen.

Not that I am a perfect parent myself by any means, but it was a reminder to me that I am my children’s guide, and while I am in the trenches day-to-day, my real job is to prepare them to launch into this world as a functional adult. And that the time to accomplish that in is limited, never to come again. While it seems far away now, it’s really right around the corner. If I fail them in this, I set them up for a lifetime of struggle, failure, and angst. And worse — dependance, victimization, and subsisting on the scraps of life.

A friend who is also a therapist once said to me, being a kid’s pal, giving in at the moment for peace and quiet, vs actually “parenting” them (with guidance, limits, rules, corrections, consequences, etc.) is the lazy way out. It’s selfish, and immature. It’s the strategy of a parent who refuses to grow up enough to BE a parent. Many times such a child has to do their best to parent themselves, and sadly also often parent their own parent at the same time.

I am not saying there is no hope ahead for this girl, but even in my infinite patience and innate desire to see the best in one, I was struggling to stay positive about her chances of a successful future. She has so much to learn, and the time to learn all that was long before now when she faces rent, bills she has no way to pay, and the very real possibility of being homeless if she doesn’t get a job, any job, in the next month.

When she was younger, lessons and consequences were smaller. The cost of failure, smaller to overcome. Now she’s near the end of the runway and there is yet no takeoff. Now what? I can only hope rubber grips road very, very soon and this failure to launch is somehow against all odds overcome.

In exasperation I finally said the obvious — “How about modeling?” The girl is very attractive, slim, six-feet-tall, and looks about 15. Naturally she said no, that would be “objectifying.” (“She’s got her looks and youth,” some may say. “Pair her off with someone to take care of her,” they may suggest? Too late. At the moment she is in a relationship with a gal even LESS capable than herself, if you can imagine that.  She’s somehow gotten herself into the position of being a sole breadwinner, minus the ability to bake.  A  Millennial experience? On the other hand, they may be able to move in with girlfriend’s mom so perhaps there is this??? Or wait, GF is less prepared, so this suggests even LESS parenting to be had at her place.)

At that point I decided for my own sanity to let it rest for the time being. Maybe after I regroup, I will give it another go. Maybe not. In the end, this is not my monkey, and this is not my circus. I can only do or give so much when I have my own battles to fight.

Teach your children well. If not, their future may well become a living hell.

What do you think? Please share in the comments.

 

 

 

Mommy Dearest

31 Tuesday Oct 2017

Posted by in parenting, Red Pill

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A new book outlining the importance of mothers in the first few years of life has been receiving a lot of flack because it doesn’t back up the path many mothers are taking today.

The researcher didn’t intend to cause an uproar with her work, she simply wanted to help parents provide the optimal conditions for early childhood development. What she found was that the role of a mother from birth to age three is far more critical than modern women have been led to believe.

Simply put, the researcher found a mother’s care and nurturing serves as an external emotional support system for the child. Babies and young children, she found, depend far more on mothers to help them develop the cognitive ability to cope with the stressors in life and to learn to self regulate their emotions, than anything else.

In short, babies learn these skills from the outside in, with the constant reassuring presence of a mother literally serving as a neurological system by proxy. Short of a stable, emotionally solid mother (the author did admit not all women are suited for the task) the researcher recommended a single constant caregiver during the early years, preferably a female relative.

Interestingly, she found the worst possible environment for  early childhood development was a group daycare setting. Studies showed babies and young children in such an environment were not learning these critical skills while at the same time their blood cortisol levels indicated they were also under great duress caused by the coming and going of multiple caregivers and an overly stimulating environment.

These findings indicated the increase in the emotional and social issues children experience today (poor emotional control, lack of empathy, aggression, social issues, personality disorders, and perhaps even some form of autism) could be caused by mothers going back to work after only a few months rather than after a few years.

Additionally, once those formative years passed, the window for developing these critical developmental skills closed, leading to a lifelong impact, both for the individual and also for society.

Fathers also provide young children with equally important but different skills, the researcher found, such as helping boys learn to regulate and channel aggression in a productive way, as well as helping girls develop a solid sense of self.

Where mom soothes a boo-boo, she said, dads help kids brush it off and get back in the game. Both parents are key, but according to the researcher as far as the day to day care, at least in the first few years, a mother’s presence was far more developmentally critical, while dad’s role dovetails in and grows larger and larger as the child moves from infant hood to toddler to child.

When presenting the premise of her book to a millennial, the author was shocked to get an almost violently angry response and was accused of trying to set women back 50 years. The author was surprised at the reaction, as she never intended her research to be politically charged.

But needless to say, it unintentionally flies in the face of the current narrative that moms and dads are interchangeable, and that any caregiver will do.

Her research does not surprise me, and it is something I just intuitively sensed with my own children. A good friend who is also a therapist advised me, when I asked what makes children grow up to be happy, healthy, functional adults to, “Baby your babies when they are babies. Don’t let them cry it out too young. Attend to their needs. Put them first. Because if you don’t, nothing will ever be enough when they are older.”

I can understand this research may not be what modern women want to hear, but that doesn’t make it any less true. The author recommended women who desire children should take an attitude that they can have it all, career and motherhood, but not all at once.  Those initial years spent working towards helping baby develop cognitively and emotionally will pay off far more than currently believed — in fact, for a child’s entire lifetime.

What do you think? Please share in the comments.

I am an IUD Oops Baby!

27 Friday Jan 2017

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True story: I am an IUD oops baby, luckily born just shortly before abortion was legalized. Yep, I am a one percent-er!

My mom had the IUD installed after the birth of my brother, who was 9-months-old when I was conceived. Had abortion been available, I am pretty sure she would have chosen to have one because she has said many times she wanted at least a two-year spacing between kids.

Luckily for me, she could not make that choice, so she went ahead and here I am! (Then to be sure it didn’t happen again, she got her tubes tied when I was born. Lol!)

I am sure it was a hardship to be unexpectedly pregnant again while chasing after a very active 9-month-old who was just walking. And as my mom puts it, he never really walked, he ran!

Tragically, two years after I was born, my father died in a car accident and my mom was a 27-year-old widow with two kids under the age of 5. I can’t even imagine how trying those times must have been for her. It wasn’t easy for any of us.

My mom has said many times were it not for myself and my brother forcing her to carry on simply because we needed the daily care, she isn’t sure she would have made it through those years. And she was glad that she had my bother and me, small parts of my dad living on. She could see him in us, in behaviors or physical traits, and it comforted her.

My mom says now she couldn’t imagine her life without me, or without her two granddaughters. And of course, I can’t imagine life without me or my kids, either! Had my mom had the right to choose, these very words you are reading probably never would have been written, my story never told!

Sometimes things happen. Those things may not be planned or ideal. But life has taught me that it’s best to roll with it, because none of us knows what lies ahead, and life has also shown me that if you just take things one day at a time, it works out, no matter how impossible it may seem at the time.

I am glad I beat the 99 percent odds against my ever having been, and I am happy to still be alive today to tell the tale!

Let those who have ears hear.

 

 

They Will Attach to Someone

19 Monday Dec 2016

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I have just started reading a book, “Hold Onto Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers” by Gordon Neufeld and Gabor Mate,  recommended by regular commenter HappyHousewife, and wanted to share the simple premise so far and how it explains much of what we see happening in our culture today.

Simply put, human babies and children form a primary attachment that guides them as they learn and grow. In years past, this attachment was naturally to the parents, who were the primary caregivers when most families lived an agricultural based, small village lifestyle.

This lifestyle can still be found in places today, such as Provence, France.  Children socialize as part of their family’s socializing. Everyone knows everyone. Multi-generational groups are the norm. Children were rarely apart from their parents, and when so were with people they knew through them.

Compare this to today’s post-industrial urban lifestyle where both parents work, children are often in group daycare from a young age, spend more time in childcare than with their parents, then the pattern is continued with schooling, often coming home to an empty house. Rather than bonding to their parents as the primary bond, these children attach to those they interact most with — their peers.

This sets kids up in a blind leading the blind sort of way. Language, learning, motor skills, and many other things are delayed because they are learning from these peers, who understand or master such skills just as little as they do. Also bad, peer attachment can be brutal, as it is not based on the unconditional love parent attachment is, but can be very fickle.

Additionally, whomever the child considers the primary bond is who they will follow,   listen to, try to please, develop morals from, etc. Children who are not listening to their parents, the author speculates, don’t have a behavior problem, they have a relationship problem. The solution isn’t punishment and rules, it’s reestablishing yourself as the primary attachment in their life (I have not got to this part of the book yet, the “how to” part.) Without it, you are fighting a losing battle.

As I said I am just starting the book, but already I can see there will likely be lots of post topics springing out of it.

It is a great time for me to be reading this book because so far, I still am the primary source of attachment in my children’s lives, and now I can see even more why I want to keep things that way until they reach adulthood.

Today, many children in the pre-teen and teen years become peer focused, causing the many problems we see today of formerly “good” kids suddenly not listening to their parents anymore, because they are listening to their friends (and other influences like media) instead. While society says it is, “normal” this author speculates it is not, and it is something parents should be aware of preventing. If their friends rule, trouble ensues.

Looking back at my own childhood I can see I peer attached at a rather young age. How about you? Thoughts?

 

When Hormones Attack

16 Friday Dec 2016

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Yesterday, my oldest daughter got a look on her face I know very well — the face when hormones attack.

It started with a misunderstanding on her part that it was Friday, when it was actually Thursday. She had been particularly happy it was Friday, because that was the last day before Christmas break. So I can understand her disappointment to discover, no, tomorrow is Friday and there is one more day of school before break.

This daughter is and always has been low key, quiet, and mild.  So when I saw THAT look on her face, I do not even know how to describe it, besides “I am about to implode in rage and I may just take this whole place down with me!!!!” Kind of the look on Carrie’s face in the movie when the mean kids dump pigs blood on her. Yeah. Terrifying.

She was otherwise totally, eerily quiet. Then she said, “But my phone said it was Thursday yesterday.”

Trying to offset the darkness with light, I chirped in as cheery of a voice as I could manage, “Oh dear, I don’t know how that could be? Shoot. Let’s look…” and then I showed her on both my cell phone and computer, it was, sadly, indeed Thursday.

I could see her internal hormone cloud swirling and increasing in size by the minute. The eye of the storm was approaching fast. Gulp. She was NOT happy. She stared right at me, with that haunting look, as if to demand that I fix it and fix it now.

Oh dear.

At this point I realized that the cart may be about to come flying off the wheels at any moment, remembering my own hormonal storms at her age. So I did what all good moms would do. I explained I needed five minutes alone, and I walked outside. Before whatever possessing my child made her head start spinning around and projectile green vomit to come directly my way.

I strolled around in the brisk air a bit, and then I see her, stomping with that same look on her face, across the yard toward me.

I reminded her I was taking five minutes, and really would be right back. I said, “I am feeling a bit overwhelmed for some reason at the moment, and I just need to get a grip on myself.” (Hoping she would think to herself, “Yeah, me too.”)

She stomped back to the house and I finished my five minute stroll.

When I came back in the house, I could tell the storm had passed, she had mentally moved on, and that disaster had been averted.

And to her credit she never did “lose it” despite my knowing she absolutely wanted to (and I know, because I have been there my hormonal self.)

I started making dinner, asking for her to help me and otherwise keeping busy. As we were almost done cooking, I said to her, “I think what just happened was hormones. Did you feel that intense feeling?” She agreed, and then I continued, “But I am so proud of you for not losing it. Lots of girls do, and can cause a lot of unnecessary drama. Sometimes you will feel like this, and when it happens, remember it is hormones and what you are feeling is turned up by 10 because of that.”

She totally got it. Whew.

Of course we will see month after month to come, but the younger women can be taught to recognize a hormonal storm and how to contain the disaster, and control their emotions in general, the better.

Or maybe I really should consider building a tower where she can be for the next few years. I can see now why such stories exist!

 

Balancing Family and Work

15 Thursday Dec 2016

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I found the quotes in this article about Kellyanne Conway turning down a top White House appointment very interesting.

Now, no doubt Conway has been working non-stop for the past year plus. She has a super quick wit, a resolve of steel, unwavering loyalty to her candidate, she’s tenacious as a bulldog, obviously driven, passionate about her beliefs, and doesn’t back down when the media attacks. She broke through the “glass ceiling” by becoming  the first female campaign manager for a presidential candidate. And her candidate won, to boot.

One would think she’d jump at the chance to be a central figure in the new administration, after all she has done. She’s certainly earned it. But no. Why? As she puts it:

“And when I was discussing my role with other senior campaign folks, they would say, “I know you have four kids, but…” I said, “There’s nothing that comes after the ‘but’ that makes any sense to me, so don’t even try.” Like, what is the “but”? But they’ll eat Cheerios for the rest of life? Like, nobody will brush their teeth again until I get home? I mean, it just—what is the “but”?

No doubt she’s missed a lot of her children’s lives this past year. And she recognizes that.

And she continues:

“And I do politely mention to them that the question isn’t, would you take the job? The male sitting across from me who’s going to take a big job in the White House. The question is, would you want your wife to? And you really see their whole—would you want the mother of your children do that? You really see their entire visage change. It’s like, oh no, they wouldn’t want their wife to take that job. So, it’s all good.”

Good for her for recognizing her children will only be young for a short time, and that being their mom during those critical years is also a very important job. And that she is the only person in the world that can do it.

Sure she could hire childcare, have family watch them, or even employ personal nannies. But none of those people would be her children’s mom, and she knows it.

It seems rather than viewing her decision as, “throwing it all away” she seems to get there are seasons in a woman’s life. Politics will be there when her children are grown (maybe she will be the first female president?) but her children’s childhood will never come again.

Imagine having Kellyanne Conway as your mom, pouring all that into you. What child wouldn’t want a mom like her in their corner?

 

 

 

 

The Girl and Boy Games Start Early

05 Monday Dec 2016

Posted by in parenting, Relationships

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If you have every been around preschool or grade school aged kids, you may have noticed the girl and boy games start early. My youngest, now in grade school, recently encountered one of the trickiest girl games, and I have to say she handled it like a champ.

There is a boy in her class who right from day one declared he thought she was the bee’s knees. And beautiful. And that he loved her. And wanted to marry her. The kid is “a natural,” clean cut and good looking. He’s got game already!

Every day after that he waited for her to arrive. I walked her to class the first few weeks, so I go to witness his face light up at the sight of her, watch him rush over, say, “Hi” and then the compliments would begin.

Then he started to “kiss” her. He was savvy enough to know that rather than actually try to kiss her, he would make a little “beak” like with his fingers and peck her on the cheek.

“Momma, why does he do and say all that?” she’d ask me after giving her daily report.

Now before the manosphere perhaps I would have overreacted, read something sinister into it, worry that he would hurt my little girl. But thanks to the guys around here, I knew by then that nope, he was just a sweet little boy with a crush. So I told her just that, and said to be nice to him, and take it as a compliment, then say to him, “My mom says I am too young for all this.”

I was also tempted to ask him what his career goals were, or to see how many camels, sheep, and goats his family might have to offer. (Kidding!)

Now that’s not the tricky part, although navigating girl-and-boy games can be tricky indeed. No, the tricky part was that her friends who were girls started to get jealous and to wish this boy was crushing on them instead. They started to chase him at recess, and try to win his affections away.

But he didn’t waver. He had made his decision. I thought that was very touching, and that it showed him to be of good character rather than a gadabout. (I am a momma bear, after all.)

After a few days when I asked her how she handled it, the girl games, she said matter of fact, “I told them it is not my fault he likes me. And that they didn’t need to get him to like them, they just needed to find their own love of their life. And that he was out there. Somewhere.” The girls accepted this, and all remained friends.

Lol. Out of the mouth of babes! She’s spunky, that one!

If these two actually do end up getting married, I will for sure be writing a country song about all this.