Category Archives: Relationships

Attitude is Everything

20 Wednesday Jun 2018

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The tale of yet another relationship hitting the dust reminded me — attitude is everything.

Like many women today, this woman, who in this case had the opportunity to literally marry a millionaire, blew it all up with her attitude.

They met several years back. He was unhappily married, but was staying the course rather than divorcing. They kept in touch as friends, the attraction obviously mutual. She swore for years he was the one, her soul mate. And patiently she waited while working as a waitress, living month to month.

About two years ago his wife became ill, and then passed away. After grieving the loss he reached out to the gal, and they started a romantic relationship. It escalated rather quickly into them moving in together. He was overjoyed, ready to experience all the good and joy life had to offer. But rather than share his enthusiasm, she started picking everything apart.

She seemed to quickly forget how she had struggled before, how hard things were, what it was like to live hand to mouth, how much she worried about her future without a retirement plan of any kind. How she swore he was her soul mate, and hoped someday they could be together.

When I would talk to her after they moved in together, and she would complain about the loss of freedom, the lack of time to herself, all the “things” she had given up, I knew it was not going to work. And the thing was, he wasn’t asking her to give anything up, she was the one creating this odd self-sacrificing, self-limiting situation. Rather than see she was herself creating the lack, she stubbornly blamed it all on him.

Rather than appreciate the good, she focused on the bad. I never heard her voice gratitude for her sudden increase in her standard of living. Here she was living in a beautiful luxury home right on the river, seemingly not a care in the world, with a man who wanted nothing more than to spend the rest of their lives together, and to be happy. Instead from her it was complain, complain, complain. And not just in private, she would do it right in front of him!

Today I heard the news I knew back then was coming — he finally had enough. She’s now once again living in a rented apartment, with little in the bank, and no plan for the future. Now mind you, this woman is past retirement age! I am just not sure what on earth she is thinking!

Instead of a life of leisure, travel, fun times, and no worry she choose — willful independence.  Except she’s not able to be independent, truly. And the chance to build that is also quickly coming to a close.

Perhaps that reality has not sunk in yet. I wonder if in time she will regret her behavior?  For now, she insists she’s happier on her own. I can’t tell if it’s the single independent woman brainwashing talking, denial, or actually the case. No matter, the ship has sailed. I guess independence is going to have to work. It’s the only offer on the table.

I do know one thing, I for one will not be very interested in hearing her tales of woe once all this sinks in. And perhaps that’s really the problem — wanting whatever it is one doesn’t have, until they do, and then they want something else? Seems like a really poor life strategy. But unfortunately it’s one I see all too often.

Seeing the glass or half full or half empty actually is a choice, even if one doesn’t recognize it. Attitude can determine success or failure — which one are you choosing?

What do you think? Please share in the comments.

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One Smart Cookie!

18 Monday Jun 2018

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As I may have mentioned, I live in a rural area surrounded by farmland and small-acreage “country estates/hobby farms” owned by people who want to live a country lifestyle.

My place is surrounded on two sides by a family that has lived and farmed the area for generations. The father, widowed after 40+ years of marriage and now in his late 70s, lives with his bachelor brother on the original farm. His two sons, in their late 40s or early 50s, both own 40-acre hobby farms. They are a good family, solid church going folks who are upstanding citizen types.

Recently, the grandson announced he was engaged, and will be married this summer on the family property. He, his mom, and his bride-to-be stopped by to say hello a few weeks ago, sharing their good news.

I was immediately impressed by this young woman. She’s tall and fit with a curvy but athletic build. Her long brunette hair is styled in natural cascading waves, and I was not surprised to hear that she sometimes does modeling work. She was dressed stylishly but modestly, in clothes that fit and flattered. (She was conspicuously lacking in the tattoos, wild hair colors, piercings, and other fashion choices many gals her age are making these days.)

She’s bubbly, graceful, and well mannered. By no means shy or a doormat, but she’s also not at all overbearing. She’s got a regal confidence, the bearing of a true young lady. Classy. His mom beamed at her with pride, obviously smitten with her son’s choice of a future wife. All good signs that I was happy to see!

The son is a strapping young man. Thanks to working around the farm plus having very athletic parents, he’s pretty much the physical ideal example of a young man. I could not help but notice this the other day when he and his fiance stopped by to check in on cutting my hay field. Instead of the long sleeved shirt he had worn during the prior visit, this time he was in a loose tank top. I don’t know how I didn’t notice it before but his biceps and chest were huge, the boy is solid muscle!

As the two bounded off to check the field, he and his eager helpmate, I thought what a dashing pair they make, so happy and carefree and obviously in love. Like his parents and his dads parents before that, I can see them married for life, building a life, and starting a family of their own.

I did not ask their ages or what they do, but my guess is they are recently out of college, in their early 20s. While others in their age group are sowing wild oats, these two are pairing up and settling down.

I thought what a smart cookie she was to choose wisely and well, marrying into a solid family, with a bright financial future. I have no doubt they will have a beautiful and fairly easy life. Charmed, even.

Like many of her age, she could instead be on Tinder, swiping and matching, putting everything into her career, going out to nightclubs and bars, keeping her options open, telling herself maybe she’ll settle down, “someday,” but for the time being wanting freedom, independence, empowerment, and lots of life experiences.

I wondered how she had happened to take the path less traveled, if it was just blind luck or if she consciously sought to find her mate, a good man from a good family who she loved with all her heart, and happily marry young? My bet is that it is a result of deliberate choices to be and do different than most of her peers, choices that are now paying off.

In any case, I think she’s wise. And I don’t see her doing anything but building upon the firm foundation she’s establishing. Like his mother who herself married wisely and well in her youth, I see a relatively carefree and easy road ahead for this girl rather than one filled with pain, struggle, and strife.

It makes me happy to see it and to share the tale — sometimes you see it working out, despite the odds, and it gives me hope that all is not lost. I hope other young ladies (including my own girls!) who hear her tale see the wisdom in doing different, and take the same path themselves!

What do you think? Please share in the comments.

Careful What You Wish For

11 Monday Jun 2018

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I got some sad news yesterday that a couple I know has separated and is on the path to divorce. Their son is 11-years-old.

They did not marry until later in life, late 40s. He is a chemist with a well-paying job working for a large company, she was a former housekeeper and has been a stay at home wife and then mom since they married close to a dozen years ago now.

They hadn’t planned on becoming parents, so the news they were going to have a baby came as a shock. She was nearly 50 at the time, although both seem and act a decade younger. Their son is a very bright child, charming and well mannered. Even so I suppose becoming a parent by choice versus by accident is a different experience, and she struggled to be happy about it, or her marriage.

As far as I could see, a big part of their issues come from her attitude. She’s constantly focused on the negatives and has complained about the marriage and threatened divorce nearly from the start. Frankly, she’s a miserable person and difficult to be around.

One day, after walking me thru their home and describing all the remodeling projects she had underway, once again she started in on how she wasn’t haaaaapy, he wasn’t this or that, she was sick of it, and she may as well get a divorce.

Perhaps because I was a single mom she expected me to be on board. So I think she was a bit shocked when I pointed out how lucky she was that her biggest problem seemed to be what color of tile to choose while I was each and every month panicking about how I would pay the mortgage and other bills and not lose our home. I told her she had no idea how hard life as a single mom can be.  At the time she actually thanked me for providing some perspective, and I urged her to focus on the positives instead of the negatives. And to not create problems that were not there.

This was over a year ago. Unfortunately it sounds like she continued with the picking apart of the marriage and after years and years of it, he snapped. He said he was tired of the constant complaining, moved out to an apartment nearby, and has no interest in going back.

According to our mutual friend, it did not occur to the wife that HE might be the one to check out, and she is now desperately trying to get him to change his mind to no avail. She’s now panicking at the thought of being on her own, having to get a job, possibly living alone for the rest of her life. Easy street has come to an abrupt end. What color of tile to pick is no longer all she has to worry about.

I know several other women who share this same attitude toward their marriage, always picking it apart, never happy, constantly complaining. I suppose it is an easy habit to get into, but a very destructive one. They literally create problems that are not there. Only thinking about themselves, me, me, me. (If perhaps you have fallen into this trap, please stop it TODAY!)

For the record her husband is a good man. Smart. Faithful. Good looking. Steady. No major deal breaker flaws for sure. She could do a lot worse. Much. As far as I can see, there really isn’t any reason for her unhappiness except her own mental roadblock. And I would be willing to bet that mental roadblock will remain, she will continue to be negative and unhappy, but will no longer have the husband to blame. (Hopefully it will not then transfer to the son, who my heart breaks for having to go through all this.)

Ladies, happiness is an inside job. Don’t be foolish like this woman, tearing your house down with your own hands. That good man may just decide better to live in the corner of an attic with a leaky roof than spend one more day listening to a nagging, complaining wife. And at that point, as this woman has found, it may be too late.

What do you think? Please share in the comments.

 

Dating Dilemmas Decoded

22 Tuesday May 2018

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Ladies, if you find yourself puzzling over dating dilemmas such as what to do when a guy doesn’t call back, what men think about sex on the first date,  a simple way you can stand out from the rest, and more you’ll want to go to this informative dating blog written by a man cluing women into all those things about dating that never made sense, but suddenly will!

Now some of his advice may come across as blunt or even harsh at times, but if you take it like advice from a brother to his sister, his no holds barred, cut to the chase style becomes more a form of tough love to save you from many mistakes, broken hearts, and go nowhere situations.

In fact, I would suggest you go to this page that lists all of his posts, and start reading from the bottom up a few a day until you have read them all. By the time you do, dating will no longer be so much of a mystery and you will be armed with the knowledge you need to succeed in relationships, rather than wondering time and again what went wrong.

What do you think? Please share in the comments!

Wedding Daze

20 Sunday May 2018

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All the news and such on the royal wedding has me thinking how easy it can be to get swept up in the event itself rather than what it’s really all about.

It’s not really about the dress, the flowers, the decor, the ceremony, the breaking or not of tradition, who is invited or not, who shows or not, etc.

I have often seen women get so caught up in the planning of the day that they lose sight it’s not the finish line, it’s actually the starting line.

The wedding day itself will last 24 hours at most, and in many cases the ceremony is 15 minutes or less.

What really matters is not the wedding but the attitude and mindset one approaches the entire situation with. It’s not about being a bride. It’s about becoming a wife.

Being a wife is about entering a whole new life phase. Doors closing and others opening. Building a life. Making a commitment. Sticking to it. Two becoming one.

Needless to say the choice of life mate is perhaps the most important one you will make in life. Not only choosing well and wisely, but also being a good and wise choice in return.

Of course there’s nothing wrong with enjoying the day but in the process be sure you don’t lose sight of the big picture.

What do you think? Please share in the comments!

 

Marriage Minded

15 Tuesday May 2018

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Ladies, are you marriage minded? As in, your goal of dating is to find a suitable mate and to marry, or if you are already married to be so for life?

Sometime in the 1970’s the social contract on marriage changed. It went from something that everyone involved expected to be for the long haul to something people expected to do, “until we don’t feel it” or “As long as we’re happy.” People admit to walking down the aisle knowing they can divorce if things don’t “work out.” In essence, marriage has been reduced to little more than going steady, another stop in the serial monogamy journey. This is not being marriage minded!

At the same time young women were urged to put off marriage into her 30’s. The advice is likely based on knowing young women in their late teens to early 30’s have youth and beauty on her side. If she’s married, some argued, she might “miss out” on maximizing on those assets. In reality, pairing up is much like the game of musical chairs. Over time there are fewer options left, until there are no options at all except a few broken chairs. Many women who followed this advice found sure enough, finding a man interested in marriage in the 30’s is not as easy as it would have been younger. Such women often regret not being marriage minded younger.

And finally, if one is going to marry, she should have her head on straight first about what marriage is really about. It’s about building a life, a partnership, raising a family,  leaving a legacy — not something that is based on feelz and being “in love” and “always happy” and “fulfilled” and all the rest. Not that marriage can’t have those things, but they are not the rock to build it on. Understand marriage is a long game, and not every day of it will be fun, fulfilling, and exciting. Lots of it will just be regular, uneventful, maybe even boring. Get that regular, uneventful, and maybe even boring is GOOD because that means things are going ok, there is no crisis, and that’s something to be thankful for!

What do you think? Please share in the comments!

Why Can’t We All Just Be Honest?

14 Monday May 2018

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I bumped into my former neighbor Vixen this weekend and she got me caught up on her love life latest. Not much has changed is the short story.

As she described things, how being torn between the nice guy who is there for her and the bad boy who isn’t, I realized she is a living example of the AF/bb model.

So I explained the theory to her, that some say for most of the month women seek comfort, security, and good guy qualities. But during the ovulation window they might go for the bad boy type. And how women seem to want both, steady Eddie and Harley McBaddy.

Her eyes lit up. “Exactly!” She said. “Why can’t that be ok? Why can’t we all just be honest about it?”

It was a question I couldn’t answer, not being a guy myself, but based on what I have observed it never seems to work out that way.

Perhaps in years past women like Vixen still would have sought this dual mating strategy, but rather than try to openly live it out as women do today, they would have kept things far more covert.

And maybe there in lies the rub — in pushing for the ability to openly pursue a dual mating strategy women have in turn dismantled its underpinnings. Not that an AF/bb strategy was ever very stable but it seems it was far more so under wraps than out in the open.

And it makes sense. Why would the guys go along?

Granted, I am not saying every woman runs around three days a month. Then or now. Hardly. But even those who don’t may feel temptation stronger at certain times of the month than others, especially in her reproductive age years, and if so it’s likely this dynamic at play.

Women openly pursuing this strategy today seem to end up baby mommas. And that likely is the natural outcome.

In any case I found Vixen’s question interesting. The answers I think, are a whole lot more complex.

What do you think? Please share in the comments.

Consenting Adults?

11 Friday May 2018

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This article featuring real life stories of college age consent (or not) stories is a good illustration of just how blurry the lines can be.

In some cases consent is explicitly asked. Some welcomed being asked. Some found it unsettling, unnecessary, even off-putting. Even when directly asked, some still said yes when they wanted to say no.

In other cases no verbal consent was asked. Again sometimes that was ok. Sometimes it was not. Sometimes it was ok at the time but later not. Sometimes it wasn’t ok and that was ok. Sometimes it wasn’t ok but happened anyway.

In some stories one person wanted to say no but never actually did for various reasons. Out of politeness. Out of shame. Out of inexperience. Out of guilt. Out of habit. Out of resignation. In many cases the other party may have had no idea. And in other stories they probably did.

Some stories are confusing. Sad. Painful. Tragic. And some are good stories. Good experiences.

Overall they are a good illustration of how consent is not as easily defined, understood, given, or received as campus posters or talks may make it seem. In many stories the person themself is unsure if they consented or not, wanted to or not, were violated or not. Often the other person had no idea. Was never told of those thoughts.

Some stories were from the other side — of people who later wondered if they had missed signs of non-consent? If they inadvertently had violated someone? And in some cases how they knew they had.

As I read these stories one thought I kept having was how most of them could have been avoided by avoiding the situations and conditions under which they occurred. How not taking certain steps, actions, or crossing certain lines could have prevented them. And how maybe talking to young people about that might be the discussion that’s not happening.

What do you think? Please share in the comments.

 

 

Choose Your Counsel Carefully

08 Tuesday May 2018

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Ladies, when it comes to matters of the heart, it’s essential to choose your counsel carefully.

Whether you are looking for advice on your marriage, getting divorced, getting married, a romantic interest, or how to navigate the dating scene chances are almost everyone has a take on the “right” thing to do.

However, I have found most of the time that advice is exactly the opposite of good counsel! While it may be well meaning and well intended, if it steers you in the wrong direction the results can be disastrous and long lasting.

My advice would be to seek relationship-type counsel from male family members (who can often see through guy-games much better than any woman!) or trusted women older than yourself who are themselves in happy, healthy, long-term relationships. While they may not always tell you what you want to hear, the fact that they themselves are successfully navigating these waters, even if they have not faced your particular situation, suggests they have the experience to guide you to success.

Likewise, avoid the counsel of friends, family, and co-workers who themselves are not doing well or have not done well on the relationship front. While such women (and men!) can often seem to know what they are talking about, and even speak with authority, chances are their advice won’t work any better for you than it is working for themselves.  Especially so if their love life is a constant hot mess!

You see, advice geared toward single and married women today is often exactly the opposite of what works. And this bad advice is much more commonly available and espoused than good advice.

Often when a gal is struggling in her marriage, for example, she’ll find far more voices of support for her to just leave and move on than she will encouraging her to work things out.

Likewise, single women are often given advice that leaves them sitting by the phone wondering if a guy will call back or brokenhearted than advice that will lead to a stable, solid, successful match.

There’s a saying in the investment world that to win, one should do the opposite of what everyone else is doing. I think that advice can apply here as well. Because let’s face it, there are far more people in failed, failing, or miserable relationship situations than there are ones who are not. Doing and being different is likely the secret to those who find success.

So next time you find yourself wondering what to do about a relationship issue, remember to choose your counsel carefully.  Listen to those who are truly “winning” in love. Often their advice will involve patience, sacrifice of instant gratification for long-term results, grace, forgiveness, self-discipline, and other ways you can improve the situation on YOUR part, rather than a focus on, “what he needs to do.”

Perhaps the hardest part about choosing your counsel carefully is that the ones most worth listening to may say what you least want to hear. In fact, that alone may be a good sign their advice is on the right track. If it’s the opposite of 90 percent of the advice on love and relationships you see, hear, or read today, it’s likely worth pondering. If it’s the same old stuff you hear at every turn, beware!

I wish somebody would have said these things to me in my youth.  And I wish I would have been more discerning who I sought counsel from.  Most of my “advisers” weren’t doing well in relationships then, and no surprise they still aren’t today! Sadly, I can’t turn back time, but I can try to share what I have learned the hard way in hopes it helps others avoid the same path.

Today I am very selective in whose counsel I keep. I’ll take advice from someone who is succeeding over the advice of someone who is not any day! I would suggest you do the same!

What do you think? Please share in the comments!

 

Delivering the Red Pill?

29 Sunday Apr 2018

Posted by in Red Pill, Relationships

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In a previous post we discussed a couple with a young child at risk of divorce due to the wife’s Facebook affair(s?)

Much insightful advice was given for handling such a situation. I passed this info onto the husband’s parents and shared it had come from others who had been in their son’s shoes.

They especially liked the advice offered by Deti, and said they had seen a friend’s son do just that and had it work out for him very well.

The question they had, and requested I put to all of you for insight, was how to deliver this info to their son who does not seem to want to talk to his parents, or anyone, about what’s happening.

He seems to want to believe “it’s all fine” and “they are getting along better than ever” despite the fact that mutual friends say his wife is not only continuing to meet up with her Facebook friend, but takes their young daughter along on her trysts. These friends have seen photos of her and the child and the guy since this all came to light.

The son apparently is still defending his wife, and believing her cries that “everyone is picking on her” and “his family doesn’t like her.” They also worry it may be a pride thing, not wanting to admit the warnings of friends and family about his prospective bride were on track.

So I said I would ask. What approach would you take toward delivering some red pill advice to this young husband and father in a way he may be able to hear, and hopefully act upon, to protect himself and his young daughter from years of potential post-divorce drama-fueled toxic chain yanking ahead?

Please share in the comments any words of wisdom, advice, strategy, or links to blogs or websites that you feel may help.

(If you did not read the original post and comments, click on the link to the post in the first sentence above to get the backstory.)