Comments in yesterday’s post brought up the topic of kids needing parents just as much in the tween and teen years as the ones before. A story about the 13-year-old daughter of a co-worker is an excellent example.

The family lives in a neighborhood in town. Dad works, mom is SAH. Four kids, two grown, one boy younger than the 13-year-old by 5 years. The daughter had friends in the neighborhood she regularly hung out with so mom didn’t think much of it when she asked to go to her friend’s house a few streets over.

Luckily after a few days the friend’s conscience got the better of her, and she told her mom the girl had actually gone to meet a supposed 17-year-old boy she had met on snap chat. The girl met him at a dead end road, got in his car, and the two made out. Mind you this was a complete stranger she had only met online a few hours before!

Luckily things did not go as badly as they could have, the girl easily could have never been seen again. When confronted she wasn’t sorry she had done it, only that she had been caught.

Mom hid the incident from dad, as she usually does. Instead of allowing dad to serve as protector, mom “shielded” her daughter from that and handled the punishment herself, some combo of losing the cell phone and being grounded.

Not long later the daughter (14 now) started attending the conservative Amish-like church in our area because she was interested in a boy who attended there.

They would meet in town unsupervised “to go to McDonalds” or some such and her mom thought it was all on the up and up until the boy’s mother called one evening to reveal she had read her sons text messages and discovered the two were sexually active.

The boy’s mother offered to “make it right” by considering the two betrothed and having them marry in a few years. The boy’s mother suggested a meeting of the fathers to discuss it.

Again the mom declined, hid the information from the dad, and the boy’s parents forced him to break off the relationship.

The girl no longer attends the church and is embarrassed because “everybody knows” and avoids her now.

Later, the girl’s mom learned this boy had not been her daughter’s first sexual partner. Somehow she had concealed the other relationship from her mom entirely.

The mom responded by figuring it’s just going to happen, so she took her daughter to get an IUD and has pretty much given up on trying to keep track of her whereabouts. The girl is increasingly defiant and continues down this path.

While some of the details are unique, it’s probably not such an atypical example of what pre-teens/teens might be doing with unsupervised idle time.

Commenters were right to say that just because kids of this age can be more independent, that doesn’t mean that parents can check out or be hands off.

Perhaps what this girl needed was more parental involvement, more structured activities, parents who were working together to keep her from making bad choices, and a more transparent relationship with her dad?

What do you think? Please share in the comments.

Something women should do is choose who they surround themselves with wisely.

Why? We tend to adopt the views and habits of those around us.

So for example if you value marriage and family, best to surround yourself with likeminded pals who share your goals and ideals. Likewise, surrounding yourself with women pondering frivorce, or who live a “sex in the city” lifestyle, or who don’t value marriage and family would be unwise.

Attitude and emotions are infectious. I know many times I have been feeling perfectly fine, only to have time spent with negative women running down their man, marriages, jobs, etc. leave me feeling drained and dissatisfied myself. I call such negative get togethers “hen sessions” and now avoid them at all costs. These groups can be found anywhere — even in church bible study groups!

I found the same effect can happen with television. Talk shows are one example. After half an hour of listening to people who have made bad choices and have big problems, it’s hard not to feel upset, angry, or down yourself.

Social media is another area where this can easily occur. I finally decided to forgo it altogether when it turned the corner from a fun way to share photos with family and friends and into a quagmire of people arguing and disagreeing about everything under the sun.

Pay attention to the attitudes and life choices of those in your inner circle. Are they people who inspire and uplift you or people who leave you feeling defeated and down. Not that everyone can’t have an occasional off day, but overall is their glass half full or half empty?

Its OK to step back or take a break from the toxic people in your world for your own sake. It doesn’t have to be a big blow up, you can simply fade away.  If you must interact with them at work, family gatherings, or other social situations take steps to insulate yourself from their rays of gloom as much as possible.

Time is too precious to spend with people or activities that bring negativity and drama into your world. Trust me, you will be a lot happier without all the angst.

Seek out those who are happy and healthy themselves. You’ll build each other up and enjoy doing it. Better to just have a single friend of this sort than oodles of the other.

What do you think? Please share in the comments.

I’ll admit, the red pill gets to me at times. It can seem overwhelmingly negative, defeatist, hopeless even. In a world so upside down, with such unrest and instability, what’s the point?

When I feel like that, I refocus on the gift the red pill can give — the chance to craft a life. A life based in reality, yes, but at least a reality that has some chance of success versus pipe dreams and fairy tales.

And even more, the chance to craft a life not only for myself but for my children. A hope to help them avoid the snares and pretty little lies that lead so many astray. To help them get it right.

Sure, I sometimes miss the days when I didn’t know what I didn’t know. Or I think I do until I remember how poorly all that really worked.

The red pill can be bitter, reveal harsh truths we’d rather not see, detonate all once held to be true. Yet it’s only from there one gets the chance to rebuild — wiser, better, stronger. The chance to truly craft a life well lived.

What do you think? How has the red pill changed your life for better or worse? Please share in the comments.

I would wish this was obvious, but based on my outside observations of several friends navigating the dating market, it apparently isn’t — finding someone who likes YOU should be a baseline.

Instead they are with guys who roll their eyes, make comments behind their backs, and are so obviously not into THEM it’s not funny.

Sure these guys like the easy and available sex, stretching things out for months or even years, but sadly it’s clear they really don’t like or value the PERSON they are having that sex with. So much so they show up at the last minute possible and split as soon as they can. More than not.

Granted, no story is one sided. Perhaps these gals aren’t demonstrating value outside the bedroom. Maybe they are putting all their eggs in one basket. Maybe there is no there-there otherwise?

Now, if you want to be more than a booty call or hook up, of course step one is be likable. Don’t be bs drama. Don’t play all sorts of tiring games. Add value to the overall. Add more than. Be a gal worth committing to.

And then, after making sure you are all you can be, find someone who likes YOU. Not someone who likes having easy sex with you. But someone who actually likes YOU.

Don’t kid yourself either. If they are leaving as soon as they can, every single time, something is wrong. Even if they toss crumbs to keep you on the line, don’t fool yourself.

Its hard to face the truth, but the truth can also set you free. Free to spend that time with someone who likes YOU.

That’s the good stuff. Low drama and low angst relationships may not be the fodder of romance novels or rom cons but in real life that’s the equation I see working for the couples that really work.

Let those who have ears hear.

What do you think? Please share in the comments.

Dancer is trying to sell her broken car via social media. Yesterday she got this inquiry:

X: Hi, I am interested in your car.

D: Great! It’s not running but if you are handy, it needs x,y, and z. I am asking $400.

X: OK. But I need you to know I am transgender. Are you OK with that? What’s your phone number?

D: Sure, no worries. $400 and it’s yours. When would you like to come look at it?

X: I know my profile name is Brian but now I go by Rachel. Is that OK? What’s your phone number?

D: OK Rachel, when would you like to come see the car? It’s yours for $400 cash.

X: I am not sure. What’s your number?

D: Ok, think it over! Let me know if you decide when you want to see it.

(D wanted to say, but didn’t, that Rachel may want to update the profile name from Brian to the preferred name to eliminate such need to [over] explain.)

Bottom line, are you interested in buying a car, or just looking for… Not sure what that would even be?!?!??? Dancer was for sure NOT giving out her phone number to explore it further.

It was such a 2017 moment. Peak outrage culture? (We can only hope!)

Recently I bumped into a casual friend I hadn’t seen for a few years. We last saw each other at a fundraising auction for a local cause where I met her sophomore in college daughter and her daughter’s beau for the first time. (Her first boyfriend.)

At the time I remember thinking, “I bet they will get married,” and sure enough they are this June.

Her mom is exceptionally cute, always dressed stylishly, with her hair and nails done. She’s very fit and looks much younger than her years. The mom is incredibly sweet too, very devoted to her family.

Dad is a regular guy, not flashy, not someone one would look twice at. I am sure he’d be classified as a beta, and yet his wife loves him and fawns over him, has a gleam in her eye as he speaks. They look at each other with love. He’s a good provider and they seem to have a happy, stable marriage of many years.

The daughter’s fiancé reminded me a lot of her dad, and I predict the daughter will have a similar happy, stable, and non-drama marriage. Not because she’s lucky (while she is to have such good parents and a good example) but because she’ll make the small daily good choices that make it so.

It really isn’t rocket science, and yet it is so rare. It makes me happy when I do see people making wise choices and living happily as a result.

What do you think? Please share in the comments.

As we have been discussing in comments in the last post, an uncomfortable truth is that men and women are capable of doing some pretty dastardly deeds to each other and to themselves.

Not just other people, or just bad people, but all people. Even me. Even you. From the beginning of time to the final days it’s a part of humanity that’s always been there and always will be. Thinking we can rid ourselves of society from it entirely or find a person completely immune to it is about as realistic as fried ice.

And yet it is only by acknowledging our worst selves, or our potential worst selves, that we can also understand and hopefully avoid sinking to that lowest bar — the cheating, lying, theiving, betraying, dishonoring, using, or destroying self.

Within each of us is the capacity to do and cause great harm, as well as great good. And all the various shades of grey between.

Looking at it isn’t pretty, or fun, or comfortable and yet within each of us it’s there – a primal selfish rebellious part that if we deny it or repress it can sneak up on us, surfacing in sudden and unexpected ways.

Thats when things like, “I just don’t know what came over me,” or “I never thought I could do that,” or “it just happened” are said.

I doubt anyone likes this part of themselves, well all except perhaps the most deviant and sociopathic. And yet there it is, part of us, part of what makes us vulnerable, part of the less than perfect.

Knowing its there is actually not a bad thing. In fact doing so can help one conquer the dark night of the soul when and if it comes, facing it, knowing its a choice to succumb or rise above. And a choice only we alone can make. Day after day after day.

Some days one will do better than others. But those trying to do better surely are ahead of those blindly being driven by parts of themselves they don’t understand, can’t face, or know.

It’s part of being human. Not the best part maybe, but a part. The best we can do is work to keep it as small of a part as possible.

What do you think? Please share in the comments!

All of my life I have been told that men are out to oppress, harass, victimize, use, and deceive women. That basically men are no good. That men are the cause of all women’s woes.

But thanks to some very good men, and one in particular, I now see this isn’t even close to true. In reality good men are a gift to women. A good man makes a woman’s life easy.

If anything, all this negative messaging about men seems to have created the expectation that all men are no good, thus many women expect and accept cad behavior because, “that’s how all guys are.”

In turn, good men see cad guys winning so they either withdraw altogether or start learning how to act more like cads themselves. It’s a self fulfilling prophecy of sorts.

A race to the bottom.

Over and over I hear women complain there are no good guys. But in reality good guys are everywhere. Women just all too often pass them by. Or don’t see them at all.

Look for a good guy, would be my advice. And when you find one, be really good to him! Because a good man is a gift!

Or go for the cads, but when your life is filled with drama and angst, instead of blaming men, blame yourself. Because you just as easily could have chosen a good man who would be good to you. The choice is/was all yours. Take ownership.

What do you think? Please share in the comments!

Some relationships seem to exist in the land of constant worry. Is he doing X? Is she doing Y? It’s a constant guessing game, filled with yucky feelings, insecurity, and angst.

Now I am not a psychologist, and I am sure there are multiple reasons and causes for such a dynamic. I have seen people worry constantly when there was no reason to, and also cases where they had every reason to worry. But I think the most important part to focus on is such relationships are unhealthy and unhappy, whatever the cause. It’s not a good space.

In the end the last place you or your partner should be walking on eggshells is in your relationship.

If you have such feelings in every relationship, perhaps it’s time to look within. If you don’t normally have these feelings but are Having them in a particular relationship, maybe your intuition is trying to warn you?

Of course every relationship will have good days and bad, but if theres consistently more worry than peace, it’s not good. Time to take an honest and close look at yourself, your partner, and your situation.

What do you think such a relationship dynamic reveals? Please share in the comments.

The other day while waiting in the doctor’s office I couldn’t help but overhear when a cute, but not extraordinarily so, gal in her early 30s sitting nearby checked her voicemail on speakerphone.

A male voice said, “Hey, I have been thinking about you and how we should get together soon. I know your kid comes first and everything, of course, but call me back and let’s set something up!”

She rolled her eyes and pushed delete.

I pondered the exchange from multiple angles. Would she someday regret taking such calls for granted? Do nice guys win last? What would he have said differently had he known about the red pill? How would she have viewed the situation if she did? Would she call back? Would he?

Of course we don’t know the backstory, so it’s speculation, but what do you think of the exchange? Please share in the comments!