I would wish this was obvious, but based on my outside observations of several friends navigating the dating market, it apparently isn’t — finding someone who likes YOU should be a baseline.

Instead they are with guys who roll their eyes, make comments behind their backs, and are so obviously not into THEM it’s not funny.

Sure these guys like the easy and available sex, stretching things out for months or even years, but sadly it’s clear they really don’t like or value the PERSON they are having that sex with. So much so they show up at the last minute possible and split as soon as they can. More than not.

Granted, no story is one sided. Perhaps these gals aren’t demonstrating value outside the bedroom. Maybe they are putting all their eggs in one basket. Maybe there is no there-there otherwise?

Now, if you want to be more than a booty call or hook up, of course step one is be likable. Don’t be bs drama. Don’t play all sorts of tiring games. Add value to the overall. Add more than. Be a gal worth committing to.

And then, after making sure you are all you can be, find someone who likes YOU. Not someone who likes having easy sex with you. But someone who actually likes YOU.

Don’t kid yourself either. If they are leaving as soon as they can, every single time, something is wrong. Even if they toss crumbs to keep you on the line, don’t fool yourself.

Its hard to face the truth, but the truth can also set you free. Free to spend that time with someone who likes YOU.

That’s the good stuff. Low drama and low angst relationships may not be the fodder of romance novels or rom cons but in real life that’s the equation I see working for the couples that really work.

Let those who have ears hear.

What do you think? Please share in the comments.

Dancer is trying to sell her broken car via social media. Yesterday she got this inquiry:

X: Hi, I am interested in your car.

D: Great! It’s not running but if you are handy, it needs x,y, and z. I am asking $400.

X: OK. But I need you to know I am transgender. Are you OK with that? What’s your phone number?

D: Sure, no worries. $400 and it’s yours. When would you like to come look at it?

X: I know my profile name is Brian but now I go by Rachel. Is that OK? What’s your phone number?

D: OK Rachel, when would you like to come see the car? It’s yours for $400 cash.

X: I am not sure. What’s your number?

D: Ok, think it over! Let me know if you decide when you want to see it.

(D wanted to say, but didn’t, that Rachel may want to update the profile name from Brian to the preferred name to eliminate such need to [over] explain.)

Bottom line, are you interested in buying a car, or just looking for… Not sure what that would even be?!?!??? Dancer was for sure NOT giving out her phone number to explore it further.

It was such a 2017 moment. Peak outrage culture? (We can only hope!)

Recently I bumped into a casual friend I hadn’t seen for a few years. We last saw each other at a fundraising auction for a local cause where I met her sophomore in college daughter and her daughter’s beau for the first time. (Her first boyfriend.)

At the time I remember thinking, “I bet they will get married,” and sure enough they are this June.

Her mom is exceptionally cute, always dressed stylishly, with her hair and nails done. She’s very fit and looks much younger than her years. The mom is incredibly sweet too, very devoted to her family.

Dad is a regular guy, not flashy, not someone one would look twice at. I am sure he’d be classified as a beta, and yet his wife loves him and fawns over him, has a gleam in her eye as he speaks. They look at each other with love. He’s a good provider and they seem to have a happy, stable marriage of many years.

The daughter’s fiancé reminded me a lot of her dad, and I predict the daughter will have a similar happy, stable, and non-drama marriage. Not because she’s lucky (while she is to have such good parents and a good example) but because she’ll make the small daily good choices that make it so.

It really isn’t rocket science, and yet it is so rare. It makes me happy when I do see people making wise choices and living happily as a result.

What do you think? Please share in the comments.

As we have been discussing in comments in the last post, an uncomfortable truth is that men and women are capable of doing some pretty dastardly deeds to each other and to themselves.

Not just other people, or just bad people, but all people. Even me. Even you. From the beginning of time to the final days it’s a part of humanity that’s always been there and always will be. Thinking we can rid ourselves of society from it entirely or find a person completely immune to it is about as realistic as fried ice.

And yet it is only by acknowledging our worst selves, or our potential worst selves, that we can also understand and hopefully avoid sinking to that lowest bar — the cheating, lying, theiving, betraying, dishonoring, using, or destroying self.

Within each of us is the capacity to do and cause great harm, as well as great good. And all the various shades of grey between.

Looking at it isn’t pretty, or fun, or comfortable and yet within each of us it’s there – a primal selfish rebellious part that if we deny it or repress it can sneak up on us, surfacing in sudden and unexpected ways.

Thats when things like, “I just don’t know what came over me,” or “I never thought I could do that,” or “it just happened” are said.

I doubt anyone likes this part of themselves, well all except perhaps the most deviant and sociopathic. And yet there it is, part of us, part of what makes us vulnerable, part of the less than perfect.

Knowing its there is actually not a bad thing. In fact doing so can help one conquer the dark night of the soul when and if it comes, facing it, knowing its a choice to succumb or rise above. And a choice only we alone can make. Day after day after day.

Some days one will do better than others. But those trying to do better surely are ahead of those blindly being driven by parts of themselves they don’t understand, can’t face, or know.

It’s part of being human. Not the best part maybe, but a part. The best we can do is work to keep it as small of a part as possible.

What do you think? Please share in the comments!

All of my life I have been told that men are out to oppress, harass, victimize, use, and deceive women. That basically men are no good. That men are the cause of all women’s woes.

But thanks to some very good men, and one in particular, I now see this isn’t even close to true. In reality good men are a gift to women. A good man makes a woman’s life easy.

If anything, all this negative messaging about men seems to have created the expectation that all men are no good, thus many women expect and accept cad behavior because, “that’s how all guys are.”

In turn, good men see cad guys winning so they either withdraw altogether or start learning how to act more like cads themselves. It’s a self fulfilling prophecy of sorts.

A race to the bottom.

Over and over I hear women complain there are no good guys. But in reality good guys are everywhere. Women just all too often pass them by. Or don’t see them at all.

Look for a good guy, would be my advice. And when you find one, be really good to him! Because a good man is a gift!

Or go for the cads, but when your life is filled with drama and angst, instead of blaming men, blame yourself. Because you just as easily could have chosen a good man who would be good to you. The choice is/was all yours. Take ownership.

What do you think? Please share in the comments!

Some relationships seem to exist in the land of constant worry. Is he doing X? Is she doing Y? It’s a constant guessing game, filled with yucky feelings, insecurity, and angst.

Now I am not a psychologist, and I am sure there are multiple reasons and causes for such a dynamic. I have seen people worry constantly when there was no reason to, and also cases where they had every reason to worry. But I think the most important part to focus on is such relationships are unhealthy and unhappy, whatever the cause. It’s not a good space.

In the end the last place you or your partner should be walking on eggshells is in your relationship.

If you have such feelings in every relationship, perhaps it’s time to look within. If you don’t normally have these feelings but are Having them in a particular relationship, maybe your intuition is trying to warn you?

Of course every relationship will have good days and bad, but if theres consistently more worry than peace, it’s not good. Time to take an honest and close look at yourself, your partner, and your situation.

What do you think such a relationship dynamic reveals? Please share in the comments.

The other day while waiting in the doctor’s office I couldn’t help but overhear when a cute, but not extraordinarily so, gal in her early 30s sitting nearby checked her voicemail on speakerphone.

A male voice said, “Hey, I have been thinking about you and how we should get together soon. I know your kid comes first and everything, of course, but call me back and let’s set something up!”

She rolled her eyes and pushed delete.

I pondered the exchange from multiple angles. Would she someday regret taking such calls for granted? Do nice guys win last? What would he have said differently had he known about the red pill? How would she have viewed the situation if she did? Would she call back? Would he?

Of course we don’t know the backstory, so it’s speculation, but what do you think of the exchange? Please share in the comments!

I recently picked up the book, “Seven Habits of Highly Effective People” at a secondhand shop after hearing about it for years. I have only read two chapters so far but it’s packed with simple but really profound insight. And while it’s not a relationship book, it certainly could be.

According to the author success comes not from luck or chance, but from doing, acting, and being those things that lead to success. And equally important, not doing things that don’t.

Want a successful relationship? Then you must not simply want it, but BE it. Be someone who takes the steps and acts in ways that lead to a successful relationship.

While it sounds simple, how many people today truly do this?

Further he says while society today often looks to outside sources or to others to “grant” success, it’s really only something that comes from within. YOU have to take the small but steady daily steps to develop success creating behaviors then make them consistent habits. Not your spouse (although ideally they do so too), not society, but YOU.

Are you consistently being, doing, and acting in ways that create relationship success? If not, you’ll never get there.

The same applies to all kinds of situations, from health to parenting to work to goals. To get the outcome you desire, make sure you are behaving in a way that will get you there, not just wishing, wanting, and hoping it will somehow happen.

I know I have identified ways I can up my game. Join me! 🙂

Yesterday a friend told me about her late 20s son with a baby and a cheating wife. The news initially came thru his sister, who is fit to be tied.

They all apparently know each other from high school but no longer all live in the same town. This leads me to suspect social media monkeying is to blame.

Anyway the sister could not understand why the SIL choose the fella she did as apparently he’s got little to nothing to offer. She’s “cheating down” so to speak.

Dancer observed people almost always cheat down. She chalked it up to cheaters being low down themselves and water seeking its own level.

But I wonder if she wasn’t in Alpha fux mode, and sees her hubby as beta bux? Even though her hubby is the classic tall blue eyed blond who may as well be named Chad. (She’s a pretty brunette w blue eyes, but he’s the better looking of the two.)

Apparently the wife came home at 3am (???) shortly after the affair was revealed to say she now wants to work on the marriage. I wonder if her boyfriend made it clear that he’s not the marrying type and/or had no interest in things going any further than f’ing?

Ladies, I don’t know of a single case like this where the woman ended up better off or with even anywhere near what she had before cheating.

My advice? Don’t do it. Beware social media. If you start to feel attraction to someone besides your spouse, terminate all contact with that person immediately. Don’t put yourself in temptation’s way. Pray.

Cheating never goes well. If the marriage survives it’s never the same. If it doesn’t and the cheaters get together they never trust each other. Often the cheaters don’t last past the marriage break up. Those are just three possible outcomes, all losing ones.

Cheating. Just don’t let the hamster take you there.