Like That?

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I felt this quote shared by commenter Alan Kardec was worthy of making a post of its own. He says:

A great quote from Kevin Williamson: “It was not the invention of the birth-control pill, or the adoption of no-fault divorce, that hollowed out marriage: It was that we became the sort of people who desired those things. We became — Western civilization became — the kids who flunked the test in the famous Stanford marshmallow experiment, unable to resist immediate gratification and, having stripped ourselves of the cultural basis for understanding the distinction, unable to tell the difference between pleasure and happiness.”

What do you think? Please share in the comments.

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Not Enough

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Quote found elsewhere:

“The women of today don’t believe the men are manly enough, and the men of today don’t believe the women are womanly enough. Both are correct.”

What do you think? Please share in the comments!

I Am Happier

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Yesterday I ran into a colleague for the first time since I heard he and his wife were divorcing. (Click on the link for the backstory.)

He summed it up simply. “I am happier,” he said. Even in a small apartment with next to nothing, he’s happier. And I don’t doubt it. His ex is one of those bitter, unhaaaaapy, always complaining types.

As other men have described it before, after years of trying, years of counseling, years of wanting things to work despite years of her nonsense, one day over a relatively small incident he suddenly just didn’t care anymore. He was done. No looking back. He said he just knew at that moment it was never going to work.

Currently he is supporting her and his son in the house while paying for the apartment as well. He says she wants to keep both her small house she had when they married (a paid off rental) and then the house he had bought shortly before they married too. She wants it all, but has no job and no job skills that would allow her to afford it. He’s already been told she won’t qualify for spousal support. The divorce proceedings are underway and soon I have a feeling that she’s going to be very unhappy when reality hits and she’s living on much reduced means.

I also have a feeling it’s going to be a really harsh reality to swallow when she realizes all the problems she blamed him for are still there. Combined with new problems, like having to move, having to live on much less, having to work, etc.

Meanwhile, he’s happier. He’s living a simple life, and is fine with it. He’ll still go to work and all the rest like before, except instead of coming home to strife he now comes home to peace. Another MGTOW is born.

What do you think? Please share in the comments.

 

Pretty Little Lies

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A big part of the red pill involves unraveling all the pretty little lies we are told about how things work and are versus how things really work and really are. Often this occurs when those pretty little lies fall apart.

For men it may look something like this: All their lives they have been told that if they are good, kind, respectful, generous, sensitive, and so on that girls will like that, they will find a good girl, and live happily ever after. “Be a modern male,” they are told. Often this does not work as described and such men either don’t find girls as attracted to them as “bad boy” types or he does marry, does all the “right” things, and his wife is unhaaaapy and divorces him.

For women, it looks a little different. Women are told things like education and career should be their focus. Put off marriage and children. Be independent and self reliant, even in a relationship or marriage. You can do, be, and have it all. There are no limits. Don’t “waste” your potential. Etc. “Be a modern woman.”

I am simplifying as there are many many more layers than this. And many girls and later women work very hard to be and do all that. And it can even seem to be working or work somewhat. Society reinforces and props up the ideas on many levels, furthering the illusion. Yet for many women, despite doing and being all that, life doesn’t work “better” as described. A gnawing uneasiness develops as the mid-30s approach. The cause is often misunderstood. It couldn’t be the pretty little lies!

So she may double down, thinking more independence, career, self-reliance, etc. is what is needed. Maybe a divorce, sudden career change, or move is how it materializes. “Change,” becomes the answer. Perhaps it works short term. But as the decades pass, the discord between how it was supposed to work and how it’s actually working grows.

For many women in their early 40s and above, you are here. (It may occur earlier or later depending on situations and circumstances.)

A choice. Double down again, or admit maybe they were wrong? Maybe you were wrong?  There’s no going back, no do-over, just now. Maybe it’s time to start unraveling the pretty little lies? To reconstruct with what remains?

What do you think? Please share in the comments!

 

Lady Killer 2

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My killing spree continues, with hundreds — maybe thousands — of wasps, sugar ants, and now fall webworms (aka tent caterpillars but they are actually a different critter) on the list. I am still pretty conflicted about it all but am doing what needs done.

This was in stark contrast yesterday after asking my housepainter if we (he actually) could try blasting the higher up webworms from a large tree with his high powered pressure washer.

He, his son, and a friend’s husband gathered under the tree with a gleam in their eyes, cheering the process on as each webby mass filled with hundreds of caterpillars was anailiated. Rather than feeling bad about it, like I did the day before as I got the lowest nests out of the tree and drowned the caterpillars in a bucket of soapy water, they were clearly enjoying the caterpillar slaying.

The painter’s son, in his mid-20s, even asked me to video him blasting the webs so he could send it to his friends!

Granted, maybe not every guy would enjoy it as much as they did, but I take it as more evidence that gender is not a social construct. I truly seem to lack the hunter impulse and don’t approach the task with the gusto that these men did.  And yet, I recognize that gusto doesn’t need to be tamed, shamed, or labeled “toxic masculinity.”

Hunters and gatherers. I know which one I would rather be. I’ll take gathering any day! But I am also thankful that others embrace the hunter role. Viva la difference!

What do you think? Please share in the comments.

Simple Beginnings

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I saw a quote on a reader board the other day that read, “If you want to change the world, go home and love your family.”

I thought it was such a simple truth — indeed that providing a loving, healthy, safe home for your family truly can make the world a better place. Not just within the home, but in schools, workplaces, and the community as your family returns that love, health, and safety out into the world.

Likewise, family dysfunction can haunt those involved for generations. And again, not just in the home but in schools, workplaces, and the community. Much of society’s biggest woes (crime, violence, etc.) can likely be traced back to an unhappy home as the root.

Fill your home with love today and every day. Doing so is naturally easier for those raised in such a home themselves. Yet it’s a choice available on a daily basis to all. I have known many people who have worked hard to give their families something they themselves wished for but did not have.

What are you “playing forward?”

Please share your thoughts in the comments!

Stay The Course

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A friend whose husband was recently laid off from a high level executive job confessed the other day that she doesn’t know what to do.

They have been married since she was 24, he 31. They are very much a “Barbie and Ken” type couple and make a striking pair. She’s now 49, he’s 56. Both still look very young for their age.

They waited several years after marriage to start a family and now have three teenage sons ranging in age from middle school to a senior in high school.

She was a career gal in her 20s and early 30s and then has been a stay at home mom since the kids arrived. She dabbles in fixing up and reselling vintage furniture and other part time activities to make extra pocket money. She’s contemplated going back to work but admitted there’s no way she could earn enough to meet their expenses.

He has had a successful career in management, working his way up to the executive level. He’s worked for many household name companies over the years, increasing his skill set and marketability. His most recent job, the one recently lost, paid $190k a year.

Like many American couples they have saved little over the years despite his income, mostly because they live right at or perhaps even above their means. They do own their home but after a recent extensive remodel and expansion have little or no equity in it.

As one might imagine, with little cushion to absorb this unexpected blow, she’s panicking. She opened up to me that their marriage is struggling and she’s been contemplating divorce.

Knowing the red pill, I wasn’t shocked at all by this and was glad she shared it with me. I explained to her that the feelings she was having are a normal knee jerk reaction women often have during such times of crisis, but that having such feelings did not necessarily mean they needed to be acted upon.

Women are hardwired to survive, and self-preservation is a natural go-to mode in crisis. This drive is a primative one, coming from deep within the brain stem. It’s the same drive that allows women to survive disasters, wars, famine, disease, kidnapping, rape, and other threats to survival. (See “war bride theory” for more in depth explanation of this. https://therationalmale.com/2011/10/03/war-brides/)

The problem with this urge is it doesn’t come from a logical, reasoned place and unchecked it can lead to disasterous decisions or overreactions when survival isn’t truly at stake but it just feels like it is.

My friend seemed relieved to get these dark thoughts about abandoning ship out of her head and to understand just because she has such feelings doesn’t mean she must act upon them or that they were even in her best interest.

We discussed some alternatives, and also talked about how the current marriage struggles seemed to be situational rather than unresolvable. I helped her understand what her husband might be feeling, and how pulling together as a team would be far more constructive than splitting apart.

I also verbalized what I suspect might have been her biggest fear — at his age he may not find another job at that income level. I have seen many men (and women) downsized a decade short of retirement face this. Unfortunately the work world can be brutal, and often companies will hire the younger candidate for less than someone in their late 50s. It’s ageism, but often not directly so. She admitted this was a huge concern.

Then we switched to outside the box mode. One reason for their home remodel is that her husband dreams of running a bed and breakfast in retirement. He’s burned out in his career, and has been longing to shift gears for some time.

Downstairs they have two spare rooms with bathrooms that are fully ADA compliant. What did she think of the idea of leasing those rooms out right now to two elderly folks looking for an assisted living situation, I asked? Last I heard such arrangements paid up to $2,000 a month, or more. (Still less than assisted living or a retirement home, so such rentals are much sought after.) I saw a light of hope click on.

She also shared they have a fully wired and plumbed RV hookup on the back side of their 10-acre property. Again I asked had they considered renting that spot as well? They are going for $600+ a month and it’s hard to find an available space. Turned out she knows a young couple building a home that are looking for just such an arrangement!

I could see the tension dissipate as she realized these options that are already ready and waiting could help make up for their current lack of income and also supplement it to the tune of $4600 a month so that if her husband can’t replace his $190k salary, it would still be OK. If he could, then they could plow that income into savings and be well set up for retirement vs. not having any.

She could hardly wait to get home to share these ideas with her husband, and seemed completely excited at the idea of taking in some borders. They both love to entertain and love people, so she seemed jazzed at the thought. (It wouldn’t work for everyone but for them may be a perfect fit. She would still be able to be with her sons and work from home.)

She was almost in tears as she thanked me for being a sounding board and for helping her brainstorm some solutions. I told her I was happy to and thanked her for opening up so I was able to, and that I hoped the ideas would help take the pressure off.

Without what I have learned via the red pill and the manosphere I don’t think I would have been able to understand the dynamics at play or advise her why she felt as she did, or why despite those fear-based feelings, the best path was to stay the course, stick together, face the challenge, and not just survive but thrive.

I am hoping they put the ideas into play quickly and take some of the financial pressure and strain off their marriage. I will be doing my best to encourage her through this storm.

What do you think? Please share in the comments!

 

 

 

Two Paths

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I recently saw on Facebook that a young woman I know who is in her early 30s had just gotten out of a treatment facility after a suicide attempt. She admitted she had made multiple attempts in the past year.

I was surprised by this because from an outside view she seemed to come from a good family, have a fun job as a hostess at a local gathering spot, and was attractive and well liked. She comes across as confident, self-assured, and pulled together.

From her profile I could see she had recently been dating someone for about six months, and had several other such semi-long term relationships as well. Most seemed to be musicians. None seemed particularly promising.

Then I noticed a cryptic and nostalgic posting from her to a male friend about a trip they took together years ago. Curious, I clicked on his page and there it was, a photo album he had made of their trip.

Unlike the musicians, I could tell this young man had been serious about this gal. The captions on the photos made it clear he was smitten. I would not doubt he had thought she was, “the one.”

They both would have been in their early 20s then. They looked so happy, so carefree. He seemed like a really solid and loving guy. They looked charmed, innocent. I wonder what happened, why they hadn’t married, if perhaps she had bought the advice to, “not settle down too young.”

Whatever happened it seems she’s never found another who felt for her the way this guy had. I wonder if regrets about this played a role in her current situation?

I know the guys around here will likely have little sympathy for her. Many have been in that young man’s shoes themselves.

Anyway I thought the situation captured some of the modern relationship pitfalls we so often discuss.

I wonder how her life would have been different had she married back then rather than taken a single independent women, serial monogamy path?

It is of course impossible to know. What lies ahead for her is also unclear. I am hoping for the best as always.  For our purposes here it’s not so much about her particular case as what can be learned from it in general.

What do you think? Please share in the comments!

 

Lady Killer

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This week I have been in battle. I have killed hundreds, possibly thousands — of wasps.

For some reason they are especially bad this year. Nobody around can remember them building their papery nests in seemingly every crack and crevice like this. Stores are literally running out of wasp spray, people are buying it by the case.

Some ground dwelling type is altogether new. And especially aggressive. Several hover at the entrance, double dog daring anyone who comes near. If they feel it is too close they suddenly charge.

Maybe it was when I was mowing the lawn near a nest and one such scout wasp not only followed me across the yard but then flew up into my hair and lodged there, buzzing menacingly as I tried to shake it off that my switch flipped from “live and let live” to “sorry but this town ain’t big enough for the two of us.” Or maybe it was when it then flew up my shirt and stung me — twice — that I finally decided the wasps had to go. (Unlike bees, wasps can sting again and again, little f’ers!)

And they don’t just sting people! I have a sprinkler head that is leaking that they loved to hang out at like a little wasp oasis. So I turned off the water line until it can get fixed. Later that day I noticed two wasps on the now dry sprinkler head, attempting to sting it like mad, pissed as hell that it wasn’t dripping H2O any longer. Vicious!

I told myself it wasn’t just for my sake it had to be done. The wasps could sting the kids, or their friends, or others visiting. No, I could not look away and hope for the best any longer.

I asked around and got as many answers for how to take out their underground bunker as I asked people. Bury them. Drown them. Spray them. Light them on fire. The list went on and on.

Since I had a can of spray, I decided to try that first. After dusk when all the wasps were tucking away in their beds, I fumigated the tunnel. A heavy rock covering the opening ought to do, I thought.

The next morning not only had they dug out around the edges of the rock, they had made new exits to boot.

It was in the comments of a video of two guys lighting up an underground wasp nest that I got the next idea. As these guys found, while lighting the entrance up like a Fourth of July pyro’s dream might be satisfying, the commenter said doing so would suck the vapors up and out of the cavern, preventing a clean kill. Far better to pour 3-4 ounces in and simply put a rock on the opening till morning, they claimed.

Simple. Deadly. Relatively cheap. And I had it on hand. Perfect.

That night I doused two ground nests, once again putting a big rock on top of the exit. I would not know if I had won the battle until first light.

Low and behold the next day the hole in the ground that had actively  been a buzz with wasps coming and going the day before now showed no signs of life at all.

You’d think I would celebrate but instead I felt guilty. Didn’t they deserve to live as much as myself? Was it fair? Was I being waspist?

I doubt many men would fret one iota over doing what needed done. They might even use it as a bragging right.

I realized what another commenter had said about men and women’s moral reasoning being different based on ancient programming was true.

Most women don’t do well with killing stuff that needs killed. Men? They don’t seem to share that same inner conflict.

Perhaps there are specialized roles for a reason?

In any case I have since offed two more ground hives. I still don’t like doing it. But it’s got to be done.

What do you think? Please share in the comments!

 

Busy

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This is a busy time of year for me and will be for the next few months. As they say, one must make hay while the sun shines.

That said, at this time of year I can also really question the messages I received in early childhood and beyond. That it was all about having a career, being successful, being, “just like a man.”

Perhaps all that is possible minus children, and indeed before I had kids I focused mainly on building my career. But now I find myself in the situation that my busy season coincides with my kids summer break.

I sometimes try to picture what life as, “just a mom” would be like. Sadly it’s so foreign to me, and has never been my world, that I can’t really even picture it.  What would I do with all that time? Who would I “be” without my career? I really have no idea.

One of the big reasons I was encouraged to have a career was because it was supposed to provide a woman with freedom. Freedom from dependence, freedom from being left in the lurch, the freedom of being able to support oneself.

What they don’t tell you is it becomes a trap, too. Once you have a career, especially a successful one, people naturally expect you to continue. Having a career often involves significant investment (education, time, energy, etc.) walking away from that career means losing all that investment. And having a career does provide income, income you and others then often don’t feel you can give up once you have it.

Something else they don’t tell you is everything has a price. There’s no magical path of all upside.

My career has created revenue, yes, but has come at significant cost, as well. To both myself and others. It’s simply impossible to have it all. So I have a great career, but it takes away from other spheres (important, critical ones) no matter how hard I try to “balance” it all.

So is it really freedom? Is it really better?

These are the questions I ask myself as I pay others to take my kids swimming or to enjoy some summer fun while I work.

I guess i did it. I really am just like a man, at least in one way.  Men rarely get to take summer off, spend the days playing with their kids either.

Yay feminism.

What do you think? Please share in the comments.