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Notes From a Red Pill Girl

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Notes From a Red Pill Girl

Tag Archives: abuse

Men and Emotions

09 Monday May 2016

Posted by redpillgirlnotes in Gender, Red Pill

≈ 322 Comments

Tags

abuse, battle of the sexes, break ups, commitment, dating, divorce, emotional abuse, gender, love, male emotions, malemental health, men, men and depression, men and emotions, physical abuse, red pill, relationships, verbal abuse

Before I started following the manosphere, I pretty much believed the main stream media’s portrayal of male emotions — meaning namely that men have fewer emotions than women.

Turns out, it’s not true. Men actually feel emotions very deeply, perhaps even more deeply than women. But how those emotions are processed and expressed is different, so on the surface this can give the appearance that men do not have the emotional depth or breath that women do. Nothing could be further from the truth.

Women tend to express emotions outwardly, talking freely to friends, family, and others about their emotions. Men tend to express their emotions inwardly, presenting a stoic face to the world even when inside they may be feeling anything but.

According to the “Mental Health” chapter of a book I have been reading, “Is He Worth It: How to Spot the Hidden Traits of a Good Man” by Shawn T. Smith, PhD, statistics show that more women than men are diagnosed with and on treatments for mental health issues such as anxiety or depression. This on the surface seems to suggest that women have more mental health issues than men.

But the author goes on to explain when one looks at the bigger picture, men are more likely to engage in substance abuse (alcohol, food, gambling, drugs, etc.) and are a full four times more likely than women to commit suicide. When these factors are taken into account, women and men struggle with these issues at about the same overall percentages, he says.

The difference? Women are more likely to reach out to their doctor or to a mental health specialist for medication and/or therapy when they are feeling anxiety or depression than a man, while men are more likely to self medicate and/or (tragically) commit suicide as a way to cope with their depression or anxiety.

It’s unclear if this is due to a gender difference, a social acceptance difference, or a combination of factors. In general women reach out to others for support, mainly other women. Men often only reach out to their own partner for emotional support, and less frequently to other men or family members.

It’s important for women to understand these differences because many times what seems like relationship problems, a man who is grouchy, sullen, and non-responsive, and/or engaging in substance abuse despite thing seemingly going relatively OK, can often be the result of his feeling anxiety, depression, hurt, or fear in other areas in his life, such as at work, and those emotions are then translated into emotions such as anger or moodiness.

Too often women respond to the expressions of anger and moodiness by internalizing them, thinking it is about the relationship, when in fact it may be completely unrelated. I have personally experienced this, and have seen it in other couples. I have even seen this misunderstanding between male and female emotions lead to unnecessary divorce.

Instead, a woman can and should step back, not take such expressions personally, but consider if in fact they may be signs her man is struggling with anxiety, depression, fear, or hurt in some area of his life.  In this case, instead of engaging in conflict with him, taking a patient and empathetic approach combined with and some probing and problem solving may be a far more productive/constructive.

In other words, be a helpmate. Be on his team, rather than adding to his stress. You may be able to help. Or what may be needed is time for him to work it out with your support.

Maybe he needs to consider changing jobs? Maybe he is under too much financial pressure? Maybe he is under too much physical or psychological pressure? Maybe he needs to identify the cause and make some positive life changes that will lead to a resolution of the cause of his struggles?

I hate to admit this but it is true, when I was young and newly married, I almost entirely only considered my own experience, as many women do. What a mistake. I wish I had known this information earlier in life, so I could have been a help to my then husband in his struggle with his feelings about being in a dead-end, no-win, taken for granted job despite his being an excellent worker as well as understood better how his ex girlfriend cutting off contact between him and the child they had as teens were the cause of his drinking and detachment. Instead, like many women do, I was clueless he was even feeling those emotions and just assumed his moody, grumpy, sullen attitude was because he was unhappy with me.

Unfortunately this profound misunderstanding was a big cause of our marriage falling apart, because rather than realize he had for over 10 years been struggling internally with some very powerful emotions, I just assumed when no matter what I did things did not improve, that he just didn’t care to work on “our” problems.

Shortly after our divorce the company he worked for sold to another and he is now one of the most valuable members on their team. So much so the owner has taken him under his wing and is grooming him to be his successor. He’s finally being recognized as the true, loyal, hardworking employee he has always been. He’s also quit drinking, and has been clean and sober for many years. He reunited with his now grown son, and they have a relationship that brings them both great joy. He’s also remarried now, and he seems to be happily so.

I often ask myself “what if?” What if I had understood? What if I had reacted differently? What if I had waited just a little bit longer? But the truth is, I will never know. I can’t go back in time and undo what has been done. All I can do is acknowledge it, learn from it, and do different going forward. And I also hope my sharing this can perhaps help other women (and men) avoid the same outcome.

In short, men do have very deep emotions. When they are grouchy, sullen, angry, or withdrawn it’s often because he’s struggling with those emotions internally. Rather than add to his struggle, do your best to lighten it and to be a point of joy and refuge in his life. Men need their woman to be that.

Perhaps the men here would like to share… is this so, or if not, please share how so in the comments.

The more I learn, the more I see that men and women do not have to be enemies. In fact, I believe that together, as true partners, life is easier for both. It’s too bad society promotes a battle-of-the-sexes approach to remlationships, rather than a collaborative one. Luckily couples in the know can choose to be a team, rather than to be on opposite teams.

 

—————————–

(Please note: I am NOT recommending women silently endure abusive behavior from her man in hopes that things will improve. The above is referring to normal levels of anger, sullen, grouchy male behavior, not ongoing physical, emotional, or verbal abuse. Likewise, men should not endure abusive behavior from women “because of emotions” either.)

 

Can (and Should) Women Be Nice to Men?

15 Wednesday Apr 2015

Posted by redpillgirlnotes in Fempire, Relationships

≈ 17 Comments

Tags

abundance, abuse, attraction, bad boys, battle of the sexes, blue pill, break up, break ups, dating, divorce, feminism, love, marriage, red pill, relationships, romance

As I have mentioned previously, I often see women (mis)treating their loyal and loving husbands with less than the same. It puzzles me why women would do this, as it seems like it is keen on destroying the very foundation their relationship rests upon.

At another Red Pill site, there’s been an interesting discussion on why women might treat their man with contempt, and what can be done about it. (It is my theory that men can also treat their partner with contempt, and that’s not ok either.)

The theory that was floated is this: that research has shown this dynamic leads to many a divorce:
“In the original research, the four observed predictors of divorce were
1. Wife showing contempt during conflict with the husband
2. Husband and wife being defensive
3. Wife complaining, husband stonewalling (Demand/withdraw pattern)
4. Wife emotionally detached

Gottman, J.M., (1991). Predicting the longitudinal course of marriages, Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 17 (1), 3-7.”

The solution, according to the one who floated the theory is for women to resist the urge to show contempt during conflict (re: be nice, fight fair, etc.)

Or if she won’t, the recommendation is for the man to respond by running dread or using bemused mastery (threatening to walk or treating her like a spoiled child.)

In my opinion, contempt is a disastrous attitude to bring into a supposedly loving relationship. Yet time and again I see it acted out, and it truly is a love killer.

So ladies, can women be nice to men? Can women resist the entitled princess act so endorsed by the current culture, and show her man some (gasp) love and respect? As “old fashioned” as it sounds, I’d recommend it!

[And if it isn’t clear I am talking about otherwise “healthy and good” workable relationships, obviously this advice does not apply to relationships involving abuse on either side. In that case, I recommend ending the relationship and exploring through therapy or other means how to recognize and avoid abusive relationships in the future.]

Let those who have ears hear.

Always Look Your Best

19 Thursday Mar 2015

Posted by redpillgirlnotes in Red Pill

≈ 9 Comments

Tags

abundance, abuse, appearance, attraction, dating, fashion, feminine, feminism, hair, make up, marriage, sexist, style

I remember an elderly woman telling me early into my first pregnancy that I should always try to look my best while I was expecting. At first I was offended. Look my best? My looks had nothing to do with who I was. How I looked didn’t matter. Was it some warning that I was about to get fat and unattractive if I didn’t watch out? I was very upset with her.

But as the days went on, I decided to follow her advice, just to see what would happen. And I found out something very surprising — when I looked my best, I felt a whole lot better. When I felt a whole lot better, people treated and reacted to me much more positively, which lead to me feeling even better. It was a self affirming cycle.

So in the end I did follow her advice, and as a result I got tons of compliments on how good I looked during my pregnancy and I also felt more beautiful than I probably had in my entire life. I had a really great reason to be eating well too, and sleeping well, and reducing stress, and in general taking excellent care of myself, much better than I had before my pregnancy. As a result my skin looked great, my hair looked great, I was the glowing picture of health.

There have been other times in my life when I have not looked my best, usually when I was not feeling my best. I wasn’t sleeping or eating well, and it showed in my hum drum posture and facial expression. I would choose dark, drab clothing, usually baggy or unisex. I didn’t take care to do my makeup and hair. And guess what? People didn’t react positively to me, and as a result I felt less positive about myself.

Something else all this taught me is that when you are not feeling your best, that’s exactly when you should make an even greater effort to look your best. Wear bright cheerful colors, clothes that fit and flatter, do your hair and makeup. It’s an amazingly instant mood booster. If you don’t believe me, why not try it for yourself?

If like me, you were taught that women shouldn’t care about how they look, that caring about your looks would make you shallow, vain, a victim, underpowered, or oppressed, let me assure you that could not be more opposite of the real truth.

Numerous studies show that women who look good have easier and better lives in all sorts of ways, from landing better jobs to getting paid more to associating with others who have a good self image and attitude. If you are in a relationship, your partner will react more positively to you. If you’re not, you’ll get noticed and likely approached far more. It’s just reality.

I am by no means a traditional beauty, not a fine featured girly girl type. In fact, I think I am a bit odd looking, Bohemian. But when I am dressed well and my hair and makeup are done, I noticeably turn heads, even at the age of 43. If I add a big smile and a friendly nature to it, maybe a little flirtatious edge, it can move mountains. Add a dash of femininity to it with flowy drapey fabrics, skirts, heels, and well chosen accessories, and it bumps up even more. I should do this every day, but currently I don’t. I am going to start.

And it’s not just men, women respond much better to me as well. People like happy, attractively groomed, upbeat people. They just do. If you aren’t making an effort, you simply sink into the grey boring background rather than “pop.”

Luckily I am kind of a natural type, so I don’t spend huge amounts of time doing my hair or makeup. I don’t like an artificial “made up” look, but I do look noticeably better when I apply makeup, style my hair, wear flattering clothing, and am taking care of my health and fitness.

Knowing what colors and styles are best for you is key, too. Accentuate the positives, play down the negatives. My friend has a lipstick that looks amazing on her, kind of a shimmery champagne color. I tried the same color and it made me look drab and washed out. Bold lip color, on the other hand, works great for me. In a similar way clothing that looks great on one person, may only emphasize problem areas on another. You have to know yourself, and not be afraid to experiment a bit and have fun with it. I think of it a bit like theater, a kind of performance art that gives clues about who I am and what I care about.

I believe almost any woman can increase her appeal with effort. Sure, not every woman can be a supermodel, but almost any woman looks much better when put together than when she doesn’t make an effort.

So always try to look your best. And especially when you don’t feel your best. It’s in your own best interest. And it makes others happy and responsive to you, too. I am so glad I was given this “old fashioned sexist” advice that led me to understand this very simple way to make my life easier, better, and more enjoyable. I really don’t see any downside to it!

Let those who have ears hear.

Thank God Men Don’t Get PMS

14 Wednesday Jan 2015

Posted by redpillgirlnotes in Gender, Relationships, Sex and Such

≈ 56 Comments

Tags

abuse, break ups, dating, divorce, heartbreak, marriage, red pill, relationships

I saw a comment on another red pill blog that explained perfectly a key difference between men and women. I wish I had copied it then so I could paste it here now, because it was beautiful and poetic and explained so well something we women live with on a daily basis but men do not: shifting hormones.

The post was from an older man to a younger one who had lost his girlfriend, right before the holidays. It sounded like hormones were involved. The older man explained women are not like men. Women are more like clouds, constantly shifting from day to day and even minute to minute thanks to our ever changing hormonal state starting in puberty and going through menopause.

Clouds. I thought it a good analogy. And he said it not in a negative or blaming way, no “hormones make women evil” stuff, he just schooled this younger man that that’s how women are, they can’t control it, that dealing with women meant dealing with this, and that for a man being ahead of the curve instead of caught off guard (keep a chart, maybe?) makes relationships go a whole lot smoother. (I will try to find the original post and quote it….but that is the much less poetic and profound cliff notes version.)

I was blown away by his understanding of something I don’t totally understand myself or acknowledge nearly as often as I should. I don’t know about you ladies, but even after 30 some years of month after month, my fluctuating hormones can still catch me off guard, especially right before “that time.” And there I will be, pissed, feeling like I want to throw a car across the yard, picking a fight with my man, feeling it with every fiber of my being, and then the next day – Whoops! Oooooh…so that’s why I was so upset.

Then I have to admit it and apologize. How embarrassing.

Before you fight with your boyfriend/fiancee/husband/spouse/FWB/insert term here, check the calendar. It might be your hormones, not him. Just sayin’!

To the men reading along, I wish we could control it but we cannot. God knows I have tried, and I am sure other women have too. We envy your logical, steady (constantly on) hormonal state. I can only hope that there is an upside to all our female hormone induced shape shifting. (Oh yeah, those same hormones give us curves!?!?)

Whatever it is, men and women and women and men can’t seem to leave each other alone for long, so there must be something about it that works. Right? Um yeah….trying to think positive here, ok? Making lemonade and all that.

Or maybe it’s all just a cruel joke. The jury is still out.

Let those who have ears hear.

All Sex is Rape

29 Tuesday Apr 2014

Posted by redpillgirlnotes in Red Pill

≈ 9 Comments

Tags

abuse, feminism, gender, rape, red pill, women's studies

All sex is rape. Yep, you read that right.

Or that’s what my women’s studies professor said in college, anyway.

So if that’s true, that means every single person on the planet is a product of rape, too.

Yep. Even you.

I am not making this up!

Anyway, that was the moment that I realized maybe feminism wasn’t for me. That feminism, as I understood it, had gone too far.

Oh, and the same teacher also said all men are abusers, all of them.

Yep.

I would have dropped the class but it was required to graduate. Naturally.

All the guys sat in the back. I can only imagine what they were thinking about all of that.

 

 

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