Tag Archives: advice

Will She or Won’t She?

19 Thursday Apr 2018

Posted by in Relationships

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A woman I know shared the following tale about her son and daughter in law the other day.

The couple dated for several years before getting married four years ago. A little over 18 months ago their baby girl was born.

He works for the National Guard. She is a part time nursing student and stay at home mom.

A little over a month ago, the wife revealed she was having an affair with a high school flame she reconnected with on Facebook.  She told her husband she was considering a divorce.

A few days later she changed her mind and now says she wants to work on the marriage. It seems that means, “let’s pretend this never happened,” versus actually seeming to regret her affair or wanting to examine what happened. Rather than it being something big, it simply seems to be boredom.

His parents always worried about his choice, as the girl was prone to drama and conflict. The son made excuses for the behavior because of her, “tough childhood” and “parent’s nasty divorce.” She even worked very hard to win over his family before the wedding, saying how all she had ever wanted was a loving secure marriage like his parents have.

His mom and sister fear the wife is only biding her time, lining things up so she can serve him with divorce papers when the time is right.

Shes’s visiting her parents home an hour away more often these days, who also happen to live in the same area as the man she was seeing.

Of course there’s no way to know will she or won’t she pull the plug on her marriage, or if she’s continuing her affair, but it’s not looking good.

I hope she will come to her senses. I wish I could talk to her myself, warn her about what lies ahead if she persists in this foolishness. It only seems easier to start over, but it won’t be. Not even close.

If I could talk to him I would advise he take control of the situation rather than let her drive it, implement some dread and paint a good picture of what burning it all to the ground would look like if she persists.

Will they be another needless, senseless frivorce casualty? Only time will tell.

What do you think? Please share in the comments.

 

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30 Years In

16 Monday Apr 2018

Posted by in Relationships

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A couple I know who have been married for 30-some years are a great example of how it pays to stick it out in marriage rather than frivorce.

He works for a large international shipping company and has for most of his career. He gets up at 4 a.m. to go to work and spends his day scheduling and overseeing the routes of some 300 trucks. It’s not a glamorous job but he makes a good living, has a solid pension building, and has provided well for his family.

She was a stay at home mom until her children were grown, focused on their care and education. She helped out in the schools, occasionally working as an aide. After her children were off to college she started substitute teaching, found she had a special affinity for working with visually impaired children, and now she’s got a great job working in this niche. She reversed the more typical career then kids path, and it’s worked out well.

Despite having average income, they have slowly and steadily built a solid base and are financially set with a beautiful home and no worries. They have avoided debt and the stress it can bring. Now they have the ability to travel and enjoy life, thanks to their approach.

They have three grown children who love and adore their parents. All have completed college and are gainfully employed in their career fields. Two are now married, but no children yet. All the kids consider the parents home the central gathering place for special occasions, and they often have all family gatherings on weekends as well. As the clan grows I can see their gatherings becoming a close knit, multi-generational affair.

Two years ago the wife was diagnosed with breast cancer. It was in the early stages fortunately, but in order to reduce the risk that it might come back she decided to have a full double mastectomy. Her loving husband and children have been right there for her through the medical ordeal, and continue to be as she’s had a few setbacks with related complications from the surgery and reconstruction.

Theirs is a good marriage, dedicated, loving, and supportive. The couple puts their union first over themselves in a mature and healthy way and are devoted to their Catholic faith. They are young and vivacious for their age, an attractive pair. They look at each other with respect and love, so touching to see.

As she told me of her medical struggles it occurred to me how fortunate she was to have her husband and children’s support through that tough time. And how that’s a big perk of being 30 years in, of having built that solid platform for herself by building it for her family.

It’s rare to see these days but so comforting when one does. In a society where everything is disposable, something that lasts seems all the more precious.

Choosing and marrying well and sticking it out may not be the most common path today, but it’s the one I would recommend. I hope my daughters take this path and enjoy the lifetime of happiness it creates.

Free Flow

14 Wednesday Mar 2018

Posted by in Red Pill

≈ 54 Comments

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Sorry for the lack of new posts this week. Long story.

In the meantime, please free flow your own ideas, struggles, insights, questions, observations, or whatever is going on this week with you in the comments.

I have often said, the posts are not where the good stuff is, it’s actually in the comments. So go ahead! Please share!

Stinking Thinking

19 Monday Feb 2018

Posted by in Red Pill

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I’ll admit it. I can suffer from stinking thinking. And when I do, it’s a sure recipe for feeling unhaaaaapy and seeing everything in the worst possible light.

At least now I usually recognize the stinking thinking and can talk myself into a more productive space. But not so many years ago I could not. Back then how I FELT equaled THE TRUTH. Trouble was, it often wasn’t the truth but became so after I would act or make decisions based off thinking it was so.

Stinking thinking has cost me personally and professionally. Sometimes significantly so. Stinking thinking could take my very worst fears and actually make them my reality. Not good.

I used to keep the stinking thinking to myself. But the problem with that was it would then fester and grow stronger, like an infection. But I was afraid to share those thoughts for a long time, not wanting others to see my weakness and vulnerability.

Now I have a handful of trusted people who I can share with when stinking thinking occurs (no surprise, it can be worst during hormonal times.) They can then help me recognize that it’s not reality talking, it’s simply stinking thinking. During such times I try my best to be especially mindful to make sure I am eating and sleeping well, staying busy, and taking steps to focus on solutions, not dwell on problems.

I recognize also that I come from a long line of stinking thinking folks. Because it can come to me maybe more naturally than others, and because I did not have the best examples of managing it, I have to be more vigilant and watch out. I have seen the joy it has robbed from the lives of others, and I know I must consciously take steps to prevent it from doing the same to me.

If you have ever suffered from stinking thinking yourself, I invite you to join me in giving it the heave ho. Feel free to call it out, put it on notice. It’s such a freeing feeling to be able to get a handle on it mid spiral and say, “Sorry stinking thinking, not this time, I am so on to you!”

The other great thing about learning to recognize stinking thinking is that it diminishes its former power, I now know I can choose NOT to participate in its dastardly plan. I can control it, it doesn’t have to control me.

I wish I could say I have overcome stinking thinking entirely, but it would not be true. It still happens, whispering negative and destructive things here and there, but I realize now I don’t have to believe it. Maybe with time it will go away entirely, or at least fade in frequency to less often than not, then rarely, then nearly never. It’s an unfolding journey.

What do you think? Have you ever experienced stinking thinking. Please share in the comments!

Being Up in a Down World

02 Friday Feb 2018

Posted by in Red Pill

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Something I have been thinking a lot about lately is how to stay up when there is so much “down” in the world.

Perhaps in youth I just didn’t notice it, or maybe things really are getting a lot worse. But either way I have been really struggling to stay positive as I feel increasingly surrounded by bad news, downward trends, and growing negativity.

In my own personal world, things are going better now than a year ago, or two years ago, or even five years ago. Not that I am without trials and struggles, but overall compared to a few years ago I am personally living much less on the edge.  Thank Goodness.

Perhaps that is the solution — to focus on the micro level. Me and mine. Here and now. The moment. Because when I look out into the world, the bigger picture, things seem increasingly precarious.

There’s little I can do to control that bigger picture, so I struggle to figure out how much attention to pay all of that. If any attention at all. And yet to be oblivious also seems unwise.

And then there is the chatter. All the information that may or may not be true, real or not, harmless or a threat. It’s increasingly difficult to know who or what sources to believe anymore when every side seems to be yelling, “danger, danger, danger!”

I think all this weighs especially heavy on me as an empath type person. I literally can absorb other people’s emotional state, feeling it as if it were my own. I stopped watching televised news, or even online news for that very reason. It’s too disturbing. I prefer to read my news. And even then, it can get to me.

Anyway I don’t have the solution so in this case I ask you as the reader, what do you do to stay up in a down world? How do you keep the trials and tribulations of the outer world from draining energy needlessly from your inner one? How much do you let that in? What do you do to keep it out? How do you stay informed without that information becoming overwhelming, or downright paralyzing?

Please feel free to share in the comments your best tips for staying sane in an insane world. I appreciate it!

 

 

 

Teach Your Children Well

26 Friday Jan 2018

Posted by in parenting, Red Pill

≈ 49 Comments

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Recently I had the experience of sitting with a 22-year-old gal as she filled out online job applications. Let’s just say, it became painfully obvious very quickly, this girl is in no way prepared for the world. Not even close.

I’ll spare the details to preserve the innocent but let’s just say if one thinks answering the question, “How long do you plan to stay in this job?” with “A. Less than three months” (even if true) is the “best” answer, one is missing something. Likewise filling out FOUR online job applications (and one’s top picks at that) with a cell phone number that is currently disabled because one didn’t pay it, as the primary contact, without realizing that is not a good plan until I pointed out the obvious, well… I was speechless.

Now I don’t know her well enough to know her whole story, but my guess is there is a big fail in there somewhere in the parenting of this young woman. My guess is the parent/s took the friend-rather-than-leader route, so popular today. She may mean well but she’s as clueless as a lamb to slaughter, wholly unprepared for the reality of life as an adult ahead. And with no safety net to fall back on, no kin themselves able to carry her for a bit more, this kid is really looking at a very tough and not fun future.

It’s all obviously her problem and responsibility to deal with now, but I would say it’s not totally her fault. Not that excuses will solve anything. It’s now time for this gal to focus on the solution, not the problem, or the source of these problems. After she overcomes them, maybe then she will have time for that. But first she’s got to grasp the problem, which her lax attitude did not seem to suggest.

All this brought to mind a quote I heard somewhere along the way, maybe in comments here, that kids have enough friends, what they need their mom and dad to do for them is to be their parents. Amen.

Not that I am a perfect parent myself by any means, but it was a reminder to me that I am my children’s guide, and while I am in the trenches day-to-day, my real job is to prepare them to launch into this world as a functional adult. And that the time to accomplish that in is limited, never to come again. While it seems far away now, it’s really right around the corner. If I fail them in this, I set them up for a lifetime of struggle, failure, and angst. And worse — dependance, victimization, and subsisting on the scraps of life.

A friend who is also a therapist once said to me, being a kid’s pal, giving in at the moment for peace and quiet, vs actually “parenting” them (with guidance, limits, rules, corrections, consequences, etc.) is the lazy way out. It’s selfish, and immature. It’s the strategy of a parent who refuses to grow up enough to BE a parent. Many times such a child has to do their best to parent themselves, and sadly also often parent their own parent at the same time.

I am not saying there is no hope ahead for this girl, but even in my infinite patience and innate desire to see the best in one, I was struggling to stay positive about her chances of a successful future. She has so much to learn, and the time to learn all that was long before now when she faces rent, bills she has no way to pay, and the very real possibility of being homeless if she doesn’t get a job, any job, in the next month.

When she was younger, lessons and consequences were smaller. The cost of failure, smaller to overcome. Now she’s near the end of the runway and there is yet no takeoff. Now what? I can only hope rubber grips road very, very soon and this failure to launch is somehow against all odds overcome.

In exasperation I finally said the obvious — “How about modeling?” The girl is very attractive, slim, six-feet-tall, and looks about 15. Naturally she said no, that would be “objectifying.” (“She’s got her looks and youth,” some may say. “Pair her off with someone to take care of her,” they may suggest? Too late. At the moment she is in a relationship with a gal even LESS capable than herself, if you can imagine that.  She’s somehow gotten herself into the position of being a sole breadwinner, minus the ability to bake.  A  Millennial experience? On the other hand, they may be able to move in with girlfriend’s mom so perhaps there is this??? Or wait, GF is less prepared, so this suggests even LESS parenting to be had at her place.)

At that point I decided for my own sanity to let it rest for the time being. Maybe after I regroup, I will give it another go. Maybe not. In the end, this is not my monkey, and this is not my circus. I can only do or give so much when I have my own battles to fight.

Teach your children well. If not, their future may well become a living hell.

What do you think? Please share in the comments.

 

 

 

What Predicts Relationship Success?

31 Sunday Dec 2017

Posted by in Relationships

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Wish you could look into a crystal ball and see if your relationship was destined to succeed or fail? Researchers think they have found the answer that separates relationship masters from relationship disasters. From here:

“…Gottman can predict with up to 94 percent certainty whether couples … will be broken up, together and unhappy, or together and happy several years later. Much of it comes down to the spirit couples bring to the relationship. Do they bring kindness and generosity; or contempt, criticism, and hostility?

“There’s a habit of mind that the masters have,” Gottman explained in an interview, “which is this: they are scanning social environment for things they can appreciate and say thank you for. They are building this culture of respect and appreciation very purposefully. Disasters are scanning the social environment for partners’ mistakes.”

“It’s not just scanning environment,” chimed in Julie Gottman. “It’s scanning the partner for what the partner is doing right or scanning him for what he’s doing wrong and criticizing versus respecting him and expressing appreciation.”

Contempt, they have found, is the number one factor that tears couples apart. People who are focused on criticizing their partners miss a whopping 50 percent of positive things their partners are doing and they see negativity when it’s not there.”

In real life I would say I have seen this to be the case. Those I know in troubled, angsty relationships are always on the lookout for their partner to do them wrong or fall short, while the couples who seem most content are those who have a positive view.

The good news is both approaches are a choice, a mindset. If you aren’t already, start giving your partner the benefit of the doubt and look for the good in them rather than the bad, assume the best instead of the worst. Not only will they likely start feeling a lot better about the relationship (and you!), chances are you’ll start feeling so as well.

It’s easy to find fault, to focus on the negative. In fact, the human mind seems geared to see what’s missing more prominantly than what’s not. And while it likely serves us well in some ways, it can also create much unhappiness because let’s face it — there will always be something going wrong, even when 99.9% is going right! And really, how often in life is even 51% or more going wrong? In mine the answer has been rarely, or actually never, even if I have not always acted (or felt) like it. Even on the very worst days (not that I am daring the universe here…)

What do you think? Have you seen this master or disaster approach to relationships in real life? Is seeing the glass half full the secret to a long and happy relationship? Please share in the comments.

 

Dating Is Expensive

11 Monday Dec 2017

Posted by in Relationships

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I have a friend who once complained when a man she met online planned a relatively inexpensive outing for their second date.

Instead of embracing a fun and creative day, she pouted the whole date and (surprise) wasn’t asked out on a third.

Dating is expensive, especially if he’s picking up the tab. Being mindful of that, and even suggesting fun but low cost date ideas yourself, is a good way to stand out from the entitled princess types and demonstrate you’ve got LTR partner potential.

Yes, dinners out at the best places in town are nice, but a gal who expects nothing less on every outing may find herself soon wondering why he never called again.

Oh and be sure to say, “Thank you.” A guy once told me it’s surprising how many women don’t, and when it happened, he would not call them back.

What do you think about the economics of dating? Please share in the comments!

Practice Positivity

03 Sunday Dec 2017

Posted by in Red Pill, Relationships

≈ 128 Comments

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An interesting point came up in the comments recently about how much a man appreciates a woman who assumes the best of his intentions, words, and actions instead of the worst.

For example, let’s say you text him and don’t hear back right away. Do you assume something is wrong? Worry? Get upset? Assume it’s deliberate? Maybe even start sending a flurry of accusatory or drama filled texts trying to get a response or the reverse, ignoring him and giving him the silent treatment in return when he does reply? (BTW, both a very bad idea!)

If so, you may want to start practicing more positivity. How about taking a deep breath, assuming until proven otherwise that everything is fine, and just moving along with your day?

It’s not so hard to do and it will create a world of difference. Letting anxiety and insecurity get the better of you causes nothing but harm to a relationship.

And if he’s truly someone you just can’t trust, or who is repeatedly unresponsive, maybe it’s time to ask yourself why you are even in a relationship with such a person rather than focusing on trying to control something you can’t?

What do you think? Please share in the comments.

 

Don’t Lose the War

27 Friday Oct 2017

Posted by in Red Pill, Relationships

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A comment about quarrelsome disrespectful women by regular commenter Deti had me thinking how many women err by trying to win every battle, then lose the war.

He says:
All I can tell you is this:

When a man’s wife or long term woman disrespects him one too many times, whatever existed before is completely destroyed. Gone. Whatever he felt for her – gone. Whatever he was willing to do for her before, he’s no longer willing to do, or capable of doing. Everything. Gone. Leveled. Not one stone left standing on stone.

And he never forgets it. Oh, he can forgive. He can move on. You can even move on together. But the things you said, the things you did, to destroy it all, are never forgotten. Not ever. Some things you say, you cannot unsay. You can’t take them back. Some things you do cannot be undone. That history will always be there. Always. It will never ever go away. It will always color the way he sees you. You will be forever different to him.

He can, and probably will, get past it eventually. Your relationship might survive. But whatever it was before will not be again. You will have to reconstruct everything. What is built back will not look like what was before. Many times, it will not look anything like what it was before. And you will have to live with that. Or not.

A man can take a lot of disrespect from a woman. And he can go a long time with it. But when you get to “too much” or “one too many times”, it’s done. DONE. OVER. You’ve knocked it all down, destroyed it all. And whatever was before, will never be again.

Perhaps a little food for thought for womenfolk as they wisely and prudently consider their men.

I have seen this happen in marriages where the woman is constantly nagging, harping, and threatening to leave. Over time the husband just checks out. He may remain married but the love and caring and wanting to do for her is gone. Dead marriage walking.

In other cases I have seen this with a single fatal blow, such as an affair or a particularly nasty fight where things are said in anger that change everything forever.

Its not a good place to be and it is avoidable. Ponder Deti’s words well, you don’t want to win the battle but lose the war.

Let those with ears hear.