Tag Archives: attraction

Another SIW Tale

13 Monday Jun 2016

Posted by in Relationships

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I recently met another SIW, this one in her mid-40s. Yesterday she shared her story with me, an all too typical one. She was engaged at 22, but her mother advised her to break it off, “not marry until you are at least 30.” So she did that, went to college, built a high flying career at a well known tech start up you likely use everyday, was paid very well and got some gravy train stock options to boot, bought her own place, travelled the world, and told herself, “I can do it myself! I don’t need a man!”

Except about a year ago she started to have major regrets. She started to have panic attacks just thinking about her job, and decided to quit that and spend a year “finding herself.” She’s luckily in the financial position to do so, and yet a year later she’s still aimless and wondering what direction her life will take now.

She’s slim, active, attractive. She’s got lots of cool interests and hobbies. I don’t know her well enough to know how much she’s dated, or how long her relationships have lasted but she doesn’t speak of anyone in the recent past.

I wonder if like I once did, she goes on dates and talks about her career and her travel and her education rather than what the guys in the manosphere clued me into what men really want to hear — about how she loves kids, is a great cook, and all the other feminine/wifely qualities she has to offer? Because of course, women are taught those things don’t matter to men, when clearly from men themselves, they do. And that when she talks about her career, travel, and accomplishments, what he hears is, “I am not ready/wanting to settle down.”

She’s got two canine “fur babies” but admits she’d much rather have a husband and real babies. But what her mom didn’t tell her at the time was she would miss the maximum MMV (marriage market value) window. By the time she was ready to marry, no prince charming was to be found. The commitment minded guys were long ago taken. And the men her age who were single either have long since given up on gals and gone MTGOW or have been through the divorce wringer already and aren’t willing to go down that path again.

At 46, the likelihood of a successful pregnancy is slim and despite ernestly looking (she says, although I wonder if she’s looking in the right places and at the great guys so often overlooked in favor of the flashier PUAs) she has yet to meet a long-term mate. She seems to suffer from the common fallacy that the guys she could date short term (her SMV or sexual market value) were the same she could expect to marry. So like many women who have followed her path, she finds the guys who likely would be interested in marriage too “boring.”

I wonder if someone had told her that she was choosing a fork in the road back then, if she would have taken the same path? I wonder if her mom realizes how the advice she gave her daughter long ago was going to lead to no grandchildren and a possible spinster daughter? I wonder if her mom would give her the same advice then, knowing where it has led now?

I am not saying she has not had a quality life or that she has not accomplished anything. Clearly she has. She’s smart, funny, and a really neat person. And like most women of my generation, she was following the supposed “best path” for a woman. But like many women find at about her age, you can’t grow old with a career. Your job probably won’t be as satisfying as a family who loves and cares for you. If family is truly the path a woman desires, she is best to seek it early in life, not wait until the window of opportunity is rapidly closing, like the fabled grasshopper. In ten years she’ll likely find the tech job market has moved on without her, and that what came easily in youth may not later in life. And that those who told her, “you can have it all, you go gurrrrrl, there will always be time for that later!” were actually selling her an experimental, unproven product.

It’s a bitter pill to swallow, realizing that one can’t have it all on demand. And that there might not be any going back. But one may not want to go forward, either. I hope she finds her way, despite the odds. I really do.

Let those who have ears hear.

 

 

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Life Cycle of a SIW

26 Thursday May 2016

Posted by in Relationships

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For as long as I can remember, nearly everyone in a position of authority has advised me and other women of my generation and those who followed to craft a life as a “strong independent woman” or SIW rather than to follow a traditional path of marriage young and for life.

In theory, being a SIW frees a woman from the oppression and control of a life dependent upon a man. With her own education, career, money, and independent nature she can conquer the world on her own terms, thank you very much! Such a woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle, it was once said.

I know a women who is now in her early 60s who has followed the SIW path, an early adopter of sorts, and her story in many ways exemplifies the life cycle of a SIW.

In her youth she did marry to a charismatic “bad boy” and had two sons, only to find out a few years into the marriage that bad boys don’t change and when he tired of her, off he went leaving her alone to raise their two children. Back in those days mandatory child support and other things were not in place, so she was truly on her own.

She’s highly talented and so she channelled her energy into becoming one of the top interior designers in our area. She is yet quite a looker, so I can only imagine her in her youth. Doors opened thanks to her charming smile and crafty ways. She was on top of the world, at one point not getting out of bed for less than $10,000 a day in her early 40s. Life was easy. The richest people in the area courted her skills.

Then for reasons she has never fully explained, she decided to move to a South American country on a whim, thinking she could just take her talents and abilities along, recreating her highly successful career wherever she went.

For ten years she held onto that dream (and/or perhaps another bad boy relationship she’s never admitted to) that never materialized. In fact it only went from bad to worse as the years marched on. I followed her tales of struggle on Facebook, and even sent her money a few times when she was so desperately poor she didn’t even have food to eat.

She’s never outright said so, but she’s hinted heavily that she even turned to prostitution as a means of survival during those days. But what she didn’t realize was that even though her looks had always opened doors for her with men, other stars were rising as hers faded, and her ability to get men to do whatever she wanted whenever she needed was fading with it.

Two years ago, when she neared her 60th birthday she finally had to give up and moved back to the United States. She lives with her adult son and struggles to find even the minimum of work in the field she used to own outright. In her absence, other designers moved in, and now they are the talk of the town while those who used to vie for her attention barely remember her name. In addition, she does not have the ability  (or desire) to work long hours like she once did.

Her options are limited, and she knows she exists only on the good graces of her son and his family. But it is precarious, as his own marriage is under duress and his wife resents having the additional dependent, even if she cooks, cleans, and watches the kids. Her sons are not that bonded to their mother either, resenting how she often put her own life before theirs during their childhood, partly out of economic necessity but also out of her self-absorbed need to be the best of the best, admired by all.

She realizes now what she did not in her youth — being a SIW might be a whirlwind prior to age 40 or so, but the plan falls apart as a woman enters her golden years. Thinking the party would never end and that she could always support herself, she didn’t bother to save for retirement or plan for the years when she will not be able to work.

Prior to age 40 or so, she had many wealthy men who wished to marry her, in addition to many admiring lovers, but she turned them away not wanting to be “tied down.” Today, her chances of finding a husband willing to make up for her complete lack of assets at this point is slim, and even if she could find such a man, she’s so used to being alone I am not sure she could even make the transition from SIW to wife at this point.

In many ways, hers is a modern day version of the famed courtesans of the belle epoch period in France. Committed to no man, but lover of many, they also found the party came to an abrupt end with age, and many of those who once ruled the social scene and were quite sought after, pampered, and spoiled by their admirers often ended up destitute, alone, and abandoned in the end.

So beware, ladies, the siren call of the SIW life. Nothing is free, and there is always a price to pay for coloring outside the lines. Far better to find a good man early in life, commit to him, raise children, build a life together, and live out your golden years safely surrounded by the stable family and life you and your partner have built. Women who do so end their lives as the venerated crown jewel of their family, the adored matriarch.

Perhaps it lacks to dramatic highs and lows of the SIW life cycle, but as my friend would be the first to admit, better than facing a precarious crash landing just when one needs stability the most.

Let those who have ears hear.

 

The Trouble With Temptation

03 Tuesday May 2016

Posted by in Sex and Such

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Something that can get a gal in trouble quick is letting her “feelings” guide her way in life, rather than her values.

The antiquated word for it is “temptation” and it is old as time itself. Temptation has led many a girl astray.

And oh boy, can doing things you know you shouldn’t sure be tempting — but time and experience has taught me that even if it seems like no harm, no foul at the time, giving into temptation often (almost always, actually) has repercussions you don’t consider at the time.

The thing about letting what you know is “right” lead the way versus what you “feel” is that for the most part the concepts of “right” and “wrong” are absolutes (despite what modern society may say, there is a well known “top ten” list, btw) and doing the right thing may seem to “cost you” at the time, but it can pay off mighty well in the long run.

For example, when I was 14 I was dating a guy who was 17. (I know, I know… in retrospect that was not wise, note to other 14-year-old girls!) He would pick me up in his beautiful vintage hot rod and take me out and we would neck for hours. Wow did I like him and wow was that fun. But whenever he tried to push for “more” something always told me to say, “No, not yet…” and we never got any further than 2nd base (on top of clothes, mind you.)

Not that I wasn’t tempted, or he wasn’t either, but I had been raised with a value system that said I was too young, and I was. Even when other girls I knew were going all the way.

Well, after a few months of that he broke up with me. Soon after I found out that he had gotten another girl pregnant during the same time period we had been seeing each other. At 18, he became a father although he and she did not get together.

A few years later I ran across him at a gathering at a mutual friend’s house. He sought me out right away, and poured his heart out to me, saying how much he regretted not waiting, and that he was sorry about all that. I told him no problem, and no hard feelings. I knew that he was already paying the consequences for giving into temptation (with her, not me) and that he had suffered enough, knowing he had a child he’d never really be a “father” to and who he very rarely if ever got to even see. I can’t imagine what a hard price to pay that must have been, on all sides.

But that time, they were not my crosses to bear. You see, not giving into temptation then saved me from possibly becoming a mom at 15. I am glad to this day I did not.

And don’t get me wrong, he wasn’t a “bad” person. He wasn’t some cad, trying to hoodwink me. We were both making our choices and I knew full well what I was doing, and (luckily) what I decided not to do even though we probably “could have” gotten away with it.

Now I will not claim I have never given into temptation, of course we all have, but I can say pretty much every time I have done something I knew I shouldn’t, or very nearly every time, I have lived to regret it. It rarely pays off in the positive. Call it morality or karma or cosmic balance, but I have seen time and again it gets you somehow, some way, almost every time.

I will keep thinking on it, but I cannot recall a single time doing the “right” thing came back to bite me. Interesting.

Obviously, temptation can take many forms beyond sexual temptation. All are equally damaging (and it sounds almost naive to say, but also wrong!)

Living by the ideals of “right” and “wrong” may not be much in fashion today, but the truth is those lines are there to protect you, not to deny you. So the next time you are tempted to cross them, try remembering that you’re really only harming yourself and very often others as well.

 

 

The Power of Your Thoughts

13 Wednesday Apr 2016

Posted by in Red Pill

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I am not sure if this is a red pill topic exactly, but I wanted to share something I believe in strongly — how thoughts and beliefs can powerfully shape your life and experiences — for better or worse.

For example, relationships. I’ve been a reading a book recently called, “Is He Worth It?” The book is about how to spot the men who are worth dating/marrying versus the men who are not. Something the author focuses on heavily in the first part of the book is examining how one’s thoughts are leading them toward the type of relationship they desire, or not.

For example, if a woman believes men can’t be trusted, that point of view will color her interactions with men leading her toward, not away from, men who will “prove” her point of view correct. She will attract untrustworthy men!

I have seen the same effect in my business and work. My thoughts and beliefs shape my behavior. If I think or believe things are not going to go well or work out, they don’t. If I think and believe things will work out, often despite some pretty impossible odds, sure enough they somehow do!

Many times I have literally visualized something into reality by wanting it so badly and focusing so much of my time and energy toward making the desired outcome materialize. People ask me all the time how I have accomplished and built what I have done, and it really is just this simple — I had my mind set on a goal and come hell or high water I just kept going toward it until it finally happened! I actually have several irons in the fire at the moment that are in just this category!

It’s a simple concept but one worth pondering. How are your thoughts and beliefs shaping your world? Are they getting you closer to the life you want, or not? Are they holding you back or pushing you forward? Are they mostly negative or mostly positive?

As they say, “Change your thoughts, change your life.” And I have seen it in my own life far to many times to believe it is a coincidence. Never underestimate the power of your thoughts.

What do you think? Please share in the comments!

Yes, I am Still Here!

02 Saturday Apr 2016

Posted by in Red Pill

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Sorry, I have been busy with real life endeavors as of late and have not had much chance to write, or even comment! But rest assured, I am still here and all is well!

I have an idea stewing in my head but it’s not quite complete, so perhaps for now perhaps you guys can share some ideas for topics you’d like to see me tackle and discuss them among yourselves?  I’m all ears…

Have a GREAT weekend!

The Power of Silence

22 Tuesday Mar 2016

Posted by in Red Pill

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I have mentioned my babysitter here before, but wanted to share a bit more about her today.

S has one of the most incredibly soothing personalities of anyone I have ever known. In the four years I have known her, I can’t recall even one instance of her being upset, worked up, negative, off kilter, or in a mood. Not one!

And that’s not to say she has not experienced the same drama, hardships, frustrations, and such life brings for us all. In fact I know for certain she has. She just simply does not seem to allow any of those things to spin her out (at least externally, of course I have no way to know what she truly thinks or feels.)

Now not all women and girls in her community, or even her own family, are the same but for the most part she comes from a “seen but not heard, speak when spoken to” culture. But don’t get me wrong, she’s not so much oppressed as she suppresses, she has amazing self restraint. S truly is exceptional even for women raised with her faith, and my children and I are so lucky to have her in our lives.

She’s incredibly good with children, and her calm demeanor is ideal for them. I can hardly imagine a more ideal mother. (At 20 mind you! She has a son who is 14 months, and recently happily shared that she has another child on the way.) She is clearly in charge, but gently so, encouragingly so. She guides the children more than she demands this or that from them.

She’s also not a simple person, in fact as I shared before she graduated from high school and community college on the same day, and finished her degree in early childhood education two years earlier than normal. She also works as a paid tutor to children in her community.

S is a woman of few words, which I suppose is why when she does share her opinion, I am always most eager to hear it. She fascinates me, this young woman who seems so very wise for her age.

As I mentioned before, my brother had the biggest mad crush on S, who was already married at the time and so of course not available. My brother would talk and talk and talk to her, and she would calmly and silently listen, nodding here and there, ever patient and agreeable, even when I am pretty sure she must have been thinking, “Are you kidding me???” at times! She probably has the same thought about me at times, in fact, but if so she’s never said so.

I am more one to blurt out what I think than to hold it in. I am not like S. But I think I could learn something from her restraint — there is sometimes power in silence.

S is a very good example of what the bible describes as a Godly woman. I could learn a lot by studying her, and perhaps I could do that better if I were more silent at times myself.

internal-silence_humanity-healing

However silence does not translate very well over the Internet, so I suppose in order to communicate here, I have to express myself in writing, and so do you! So please, share what you think in the comments!

The Siren Call of Hypergamy

20 Sunday Mar 2016

Posted by in Red Pill

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According to Red Pill philosophy, the achilles heel of each gender is women are hypergamous while men are polygamous. Or in other words, women are always on the lookout for a better deal, while men are always on the lookout for additional partners.

Now of course these are generalizations, and not everyone acts upon these base drivers. But that does not mean they are not there, and one is wise to guard against them as acting upon them has a tendency to be destructive more often than not.

Since this blog is directed toward women, we will now ignore the topic of men and polygamy (perhaps we can talk of this another day) and focus instead on women and hypergamy.

In college, I remember clearly my abnormal psychology professor talking about the “theory of availability.” In short, he said that the idea of total commitment was all but dead in American culture — that everybody was available if the offer was right. I was appalled at the thought, even then, many years prior to discovering the Red Pill. But 20 some years of life experience later and seeing that very scenario in real life many times, I’d say like it or not, for a large part it is likely true. Especially if people are unaware or in denial of this.

Ladies, no matter how great of a guy you have, or how ideal of a situation you are in, there is always the risk that hyperemic urges will strike. And my advice is to be aware of and to conciously counter them. Otherwise they can feaster and grow in power, these thoughts of “What if?” or “Why not?”

Case in point: Tonight I was at a charity event representing my biz. It was an interesting and accomplished crowd. Some of the most influential and powerful people in my area were there, in fact. There were four single, accomplished, attractive, and interested men giving me very clear IOI’s at the event. Any one of them would be a “catch” by anyone’s standards. I am sure with any encouragement, I could have followed up on any or all four of those threads. But I didn’t.

Why? Because I am already in and pursuing a relationship with a single, accomplished, attractive, and interesting guy who is committed to me and things are going well, are more than promising in fact. To allow my hyperemic urge to take the lead tonight could (would) have spelled disaster for that. And for what? The “possibility” of something more? No thanks.

So I took it as the flattery it was (it always feels good to be noticed), and of course those guys don’t know I am seeing someone so I can’t blame them, but I didn’t return or encourage the IOI’s, packed up my stuff at the end, and went home alone.

Because I know, thanks to the Red Pill, that hypergamy is simply a house of cards. To indulge in it once one has “chosen” will only result in disaster.

But if you don’t know the enemy you cannot confront it. Ladies, meet hypergamy — destroyer of lives, families, happiness, and futures. My advice? Avoid it at all costs. Dance with the one who brought you. Once you have chosen, be happy with and stand by your choice. No matter how tempting other offers may seem. Trust me on this — the grass isn’t greener. It’s astroturf.

 

 

Don’t Ride the Carousel

18 Friday Mar 2016

Posted by in Red Pill

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There’s a red pill saying called “riding the carousel” which, to put it nicely, means a gal sleeping around, hooking up, and having casual, no strings sex during her teens, 20s, and early 30s.

The first time I heard guys talking abut this in the manosphere, I was shocked how negatively they viewed this behavior, and the women engaging in it. After all this isn’t the 1950s, right?

Well the reality is even guys who are themselves involved in such behavior look down upon gals who are taking a “What’s good for the gander is good for the goose” approach to sex. The higher quality of “catch” a guy was, the less willing they were to consider a woman who had “ridden he carousel” as a serious longterm/lifetime partner.

Like it or not, believe it or not, this is how guys still feel today about all this. Even if they tell you they don’t! Even if they are trying to talk you into going home with them for some hook up fun that very night!

It’s been called lots of things, including a double standard, but it all goes back to biology — a promiscuous female is a cuckhold risk in a man’s eyes. And for a man, being a cuckhold is just about the worst thing one could be. Men have a very strong, visceral reaction to the idea. (Unless they have a cuckhold fetish, and well then that’s just another issue entirely…)

Consider the plays of Shakespeare’s era, all rife with jokes and references to cuckholding – it’s certainly nothing new. No guy wants to be tricked into thinking a child is his when it is not because he’s been with a woman who is “getting around.” (And in case we’ve all forgotten, sex is what leads to babies!)

For women, this is not a concern. After all unless the baby is switched at birth, we know a baby that comes out of our body is “ours” as silly as that sounds. But as couples who have experienced having a baby switched at birth experience, there is something profoundly disturbing and distressing about discovering the baby you thought was yours, really isn’t.

Or if all that makes no sense, think of it this way, when a hot guy wants to hook up or have a short term no strings attached sexual experience with you, he’s not saying it’s because you’re so hot. What he’s really saying is that you meet his minimum threshold for attractiveness, but not his minimum threshold for a long term or serious relationship. What he’s really saying is you aren’t hot enough! Ouch!

But yep, it’s all true. And I know that because I have heard guys say it anonymously online many, many, many times. So don’t kid yourself — and remember, you’re better than that! You deserve a guy who’s all in, not just a guy who just wants to put it in! And the guy who will be all in, he’s worth waiting for (and doesn’t he deserve more from you, too?)

Carousel Rider

Carousel riding. I would not advise it. Trust me on this one.

But what do you think? Please share in the comments!

 

 

 

The Doctor and His Wife

15 Tuesday Mar 2016

Posted by in Relationships

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A couple who frequents my biz offer an interesting Red Pill vingette.

Now I don’t know them well, but they are friendly and with each visit a little more comes out. They are an attractive couple, he is tall and trim, with a bit of an Alan Alda circa M*A*S*H vibe. Not super hot, but not bad looking by any means. She is very natural yet very attractive, wavy brunette hair, striking big green eyes, curvy but not at all fat, athletic and fresh faced, as if she just came from a spirited hike in the woods.

He’s a psychologist, she works for a group that aims to conserve rural land.  They are happy and light and like to crack jokes, poking fun at themselves as well as at the absurdity of the world. They seem very fun.

They often stop in on their way to work out together at the gym, or to go out exploring nature, or some weekend couple’s time activity. Sometimes they bring friends, mostly they come alone.

It’s hard to say how long they have been together, but my gut says not very long. If I had to guess, I would say they met online and have been married less than two years. My guess is they dated for a year or so prior to that based on how they act with each other. They don’t have the “We’ve known each other for ages,” vibe couples seem to get – yet. (I will see if I can find out more of their story next time they stop in.)

They are affectionate, yet reserved. I am not sure I have ever seen them actually touch each other in public, and certainly no PDAs that stand out. Yet they have a definite fondness for each other, with a hint of a paternal vibe. Something tells me they have an active love life.

It can be hard to tell ages, but at their last visit I slipped it into the conversation out of curiosity. He revealed that he is 43, she is 28 (although very poised and not at all immature or girlish, regal almost.) I saw the twinkle in his eye and said, “A perfect age difference,” to which he readily and wholeheartedly agreed.

They are an example of a Red Pill truism, that men tend to hit their highest SMP/MMP mark later in life than a woman, while women tend to sooner. I get the feeling that pre-education/career he was not likely a ladies man, although he is natural enough in conversation. I suspect she’s at the peak of ripeness in her life, although I am sure she will continue to develop and mature with age. However in youthful beauty, she’s right there at the cusp.

They don’t have children together, but he said he does have a 20 year old of his own. They don’t plan to have kids, he announced and she shook her head in agreement. I get the feeling that these two just want to enjoy life and each other. (Although it will be interesting to see what happens as she nears 35 or so, when the maternal urge often seems to kick in full force even in women who have not had it before.)

If you were to chart these two on a graph with each at their SMP/MMP peak, they’d both be there about now, which is exactly what the Red Pill predicts. They are a matched set. I predict a pretty cushy life ahead.

Or in other words ladies, when the Doctor picks his wife, she’s likely going to be younger than he, better looking, and she’ll be quite thrilled with her hypergamous catch.

Ladies, you would not be unwise to start looking for your love match in ernest starting at or before age 25. And it wouldn’t be bad to aim a bit older than yourself, as he’ll likely be more settled and ready to be looking for his match as well compared to someone your own age. To guys her age, she may not stand out or they may still be in casual dating mode, but for a man around 40 she would be a definite score! Not to say people of the same age don’t get together, but when he was scanning profiles of 40 some year old women (likely with added life complications) versus ones of ladies in their mid to late 20s who likely has less relationship baggage, odds are the guy will choose as above.  Had she been tied up with a guy her age who’s not ready to commit, she may have missed him. It’s something to ponder and to set yourself up to win accordingly.

Not to say it can’t happen, but the idea that a gal can wait just like a man can to settle down with an upper shelf guy rarely works out in her favor, while for a man it more than likely can. (Or in other words, would she have married a Doctor at 41? Maybe, maybe not…)

What do you think?