Tag Archives: break up

Stay The Course

12 Sunday Aug 2018

Posted by in Relationships

≈ 178 Comments

Tags

, , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

A friend whose husband was recently laid off from a high level executive job confessed the other day that she doesn’t know what to do.

They have been married since she was 24, he 31. They are very much a “Barbie and Ken” type couple and make a striking pair. She’s now 49, he’s 56. Both still look very young for their age.

They waited several years after marriage to start a family and now have three teenage sons ranging in age from middle school to a senior in high school.

She was a career gal in her 20s and early 30s and then has been a stay at home mom since the kids arrived. She dabbles in fixing up and reselling vintage furniture and other part time activities to make extra pocket money. She’s contemplated going back to work but admitted there’s no way she could earn enough to meet their expenses.

He has had a successful career in management, working his way up to the executive level. He’s worked for many household name companies over the years, increasing his skill set and marketability. His most recent job, the one recently lost, paid $190k a year.

Like many American couples they have saved little over the years despite his income, mostly because they live right at or perhaps even above their means. They do own their home but after a recent extensive remodel and expansion have little or no equity in it.

As one might imagine, with little cushion to absorb this unexpected blow, she’s panicking. She opened up to me that their marriage is struggling and she’s been contemplating divorce.

Knowing the red pill, I wasn’t shocked at all by this and was glad she shared it with me. I explained to her that the feelings she was having are a normal knee jerk reaction women often have during such times of crisis, but that having such feelings did not necessarily mean they needed to be acted upon.

Women are hardwired to survive, and self-preservation is a natural go-to mode in crisis. This drive is a primative one, coming from deep within the brain stem. It’s the same drive that allows women to survive disasters, wars, famine, disease, kidnapping, rape, and other threats to survival. (See “war bride theory” for more in depth explanation of this. https://therationalmale.com/2011/10/03/war-brides/)

The problem with this urge is it doesn’t come from a logical, reasoned place and unchecked it can lead to disasterous decisions or overreactions when survival isn’t truly at stake but it just feels like it is.

My friend seemed relieved to get these dark thoughts about abandoning ship out of her head and to understand just because she has such feelings doesn’t mean she must act upon them or that they were even in her best interest.

We discussed some alternatives, and also talked about how the current marriage struggles seemed to be situational rather than unresolvable. I helped her understand what her husband might be feeling, and how pulling together as a team would be far more constructive than splitting apart.

I also verbalized what I suspect might have been her biggest fear — at his age he may not find another job at that income level. I have seen many men (and women) downsized a decade short of retirement face this. Unfortunately the work world can be brutal, and often companies will hire the younger candidate for less than someone in their late 50s. It’s ageism, but often not directly so. She admitted this was a huge concern.

Then we switched to outside the box mode. One reason for their home remodel is that her husband dreams of running a bed and breakfast in retirement. He’s burned out in his career, and has been longing to shift gears for some time.

Downstairs they have two spare rooms with bathrooms that are fully ADA compliant. What did she think of the idea of leasing those rooms out right now to two elderly folks looking for an assisted living situation, I asked? Last I heard such arrangements paid up to $2,000 a month, or more. (Still less than assisted living or a retirement home, so such rentals are much sought after.) I saw a light of hope click on.

She also shared they have a fully wired and plumbed RV hookup on the back side of their 10-acre property. Again I asked had they considered renting that spot as well? They are going for $600+ a month and it’s hard to find an available space. Turned out she knows a young couple building a home that are looking for just such an arrangement!

I could see the tension dissipate as she realized these options that are already ready and waiting could help make up for their current lack of income and also supplement it to the tune of $4600 a month so that if her husband can’t replace his $190k salary, it would still be OK. If he could, then they could plow that income into savings and be well set up for retirement vs. not having any.

She could hardly wait to get home to share these ideas with her husband, and seemed completely excited at the idea of taking in some borders. They both love to entertain and love people, so she seemed jazzed at the thought. (It wouldn’t work for everyone but for them may be a perfect fit. She would still be able to be with her sons and work from home.)

She was almost in tears as she thanked me for being a sounding board and for helping her brainstorm some solutions. I told her I was happy to and thanked her for opening up so I was able to, and that I hoped the ideas would help take the pressure off.

Without what I have learned via the red pill and the manosphere I don’t think I would have been able to understand the dynamics at play or advise her why she felt as she did, or why despite those fear-based feelings, the best path was to stay the course, stick together, face the challenge, and not just survive but thrive.

I am hoping they put the ideas into play quickly and take some of the financial pressure and strain off their marriage. I will be doing my best to encourage her through this storm.

What do you think? Please share in the comments!

 

 

 

Two Paths

06 Monday Aug 2018

Posted by in Relationships

≈ 148 Comments

Tags

, , , , , , , , ,

I recently saw on Facebook that a young woman I know who is in her early 30s had just gotten out of a treatment facility after a suicide attempt. She admitted she had made multiple attempts in the past year.

I was surprised by this because from an outside view she seemed to come from a good family, have a fun job as a hostess at a local gathering spot, and was attractive and well liked. She comes across as confident, self-assured, and pulled together.

From her profile I could see she had recently been dating someone for about six months, and had several other such semi-long term relationships as well. Most seemed to be musicians. None seemed particularly promising.

Then I noticed a cryptic and nostalgic posting from her to a male friend about a trip they took together years ago. Curious, I clicked on his page and there it was, a photo album he had made of their trip.

Unlike the musicians, I could tell this young man had been serious about this gal. The captions on the photos made it clear he was smitten. I would not doubt he had thought she was, “the one.”

They both would have been in their early 20s then. They looked so happy, so carefree. He seemed like a really solid and loving guy. They looked charmed, innocent. I wonder what happened, why they hadn’t married, if perhaps she had bought the advice to, “not settle down too young.”

Whatever happened it seems she’s never found another who felt for her the way this guy had. I wonder if regrets about this played a role in her current situation?

I know the guys around here will likely have little sympathy for her. Many have been in that young man’s shoes themselves.

Anyway I thought the situation captured some of the modern relationship pitfalls we so often discuss.

I wonder how her life would have been different had she married back then rather than taken a single independent women, serial monogamy path?

It is of course impossible to know. What lies ahead for her is also unclear. I am hoping for the best as always.  For our purposes here it’s not so much about her particular case as what can be learned from it in general.

What do you think? Please share in the comments!

 

Commit To Your Choice

29 Friday Jun 2018

Posted by in Relationships

≈ 108 Comments

Tags

, , , , , , , , , , , , ,

In comments on another blog, frequent commentor and fellow blogger Stephanie shared the story of a friend’s struggling marriage:

“I had a friend for over 2 decades… literally, we were friends in pre-school and have pictures together from our Kinder graduation **tear**. But she married someone she was NOT attracted to – who she dated for FIVE YEARS in our 20’s and kept complaining to me about how unattractive he was and how she wanted him to improve himself.

No matter how many times I told her to leave him alone and move on – find someone she was attracted to who she could accept as the man he is, she didn’t listen. She married him right at 29 yrs old (really hit home that manosphere cliche for me personally to see that), and has a very rocky marriage now.

Maybe… is it possible that [she] married her husband even though he wasn’t good at being a man? To me, these women (and virgins can do it, too) they pick these kinds of men on purpose. It’s not an accident that they stay with them through sometimes YEARS of dating and then it’s not an accident that they walk down that aisle to marry someone THEY KNOW they are not attracted to that much.

It’s very much on purpose. And while I’m sure they believe the lies they tell themselves… it’s bound to end up in heartache.

**Bonus brain memory stuff** She even told me (much to my horror) that while they were just dating she was very tempted to cheat on him with various coworkers!!!!!!! So how is that going to play out in a marriage of decades? Seems much more likely she will eventually stray.”

I inquired:

“@ Stephanie did she ever say what was working for her in the relationship? How attractive is she? Did she date others or ?”

She replied:

“Mostly just security, and getting married before it was too late to have kids. Her plans were always to find someone in college and marry them.

She did date other guys, even in high school… a couple she really was attracted to, but chose not to be “serious” with them even though I would urge her that they were a great catch for marriage.

I don’t get it 😦 Except that he makes good money and is stable. But she is very very good at her job and makes a lot of money, too, so I guess she just wanted stability relationship-wise.”

I too have seen women marry to a man they are not so attracted to physically (but are attracted to for other reasons like stability, status, resources, etc.) who end up unhappily married. And likewise I have seen women marry men they are wildly physically attracted to (but who lacked the stability/comfort component) who end up unhappily married. So is the physical attraction, or making the “wrong” pick in a mate, really the factor?

I know some may disagree, but I would argue it is not the level of attraction or choosing the wrong mate that is the problem, it is the woman’s attitude. Rather than focusing on what her mate doesn’t have, she would be far better off focusing on the qualities and traits that she does appreciate. It’s similar to the glass half full or half empty argument.

Women who look for what’s “missing” will always be less happy (content) than women who look for “what’s there.” Because it is far too easy to idealize some imaginary path not taken, and far too easy to also criticize the path chosen.

But guess what? All we have is the path we are on. And if she choose to marry this man, choosing to honor that commitment despite his not being perfect in every possible way is actually the secret to a successful marriage. Being happy (content) isn’t something that, “just happens,” it means she literally chooses to be happy (content) with her choice, see the positives within it, and to honor the commitment she made.

It’s foolishly disastrous to continue after marriage to ponder “what if’s” and “if only’s” and such alternate realities as if they were some magically perfect path versus the path one is on. Because you know what? Those options would be just as imperfect in different ways. Because no marriage is without a balance of give and take.

To see how damaging such thinking is, let’s put the shoe on the other foot. Imagine if her husband was constantly questioning his choice in a wife? Wondering if he could have “done better?” Entertaining attractions to others at work and social circles. Confessing to others on a regular basis how his wife is “lacking” in this way or that. Not cool, right? And not very loving, either.

So in reality I would say this woman and others like her are not unhappy (discontent) because they have chosen poorly or wrong so much as they are choosing to be unhappy (discontent) with the choice they freely made. As in past tense. The time to question the choice was before the wedding, not forever after.

Of course doing so takes maturity, self-discipline, wisdom, and a long-view — qualities not as popular in today’s “instant gratification, I want it all and I want it now,” society. It would also require self-awareness of the role she is choosing to play in her own and her husband’s unhappiness (discontent), plus a sincere desire to change that. It’s possible, but only she can take these steps.

This woman may think the solution to her unhappiness (discontent) is changing her partner (either changing her partner’s appearance or literally changing partners) — but in reality the solution is changing her own dysfunctional, non-constructive, and marriage-killing mindset. Stop reconsidering the choice and get on with making what you chose work, would be my red pill advice.

What do you think? Please share in the comments.

Be a Team Player

27 Wednesday Jun 2018

Posted by in Relationships

≈ 38 Comments

Tags

, , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Want a happy and successful relationship? One of the best ways to make it happen is to be a team player. View your mate and your partnership as your number one and the rest will fall into place.

Too often women today are encouraged to see their partner as some sort of enemy in a battle-of-the-sexes dynamic. Such a relationship is marked by power struggles, shit tests, and strife. The result is nobody’s happy or feels supported and the relationship flounders and often then fails as a result.

Compare that to the team model where instead of it being them against each other, it’s them against the world. Their efforts are directed at overcoming outside threats rather that on trying to overcome one another.  It’s a much more harmonious and stable dynamic.

Perhaps the biggest key to achieving a team player attitude is to let go of striving for your individual needs in favor of the needs of the unit. For women, especially for women who have been raised to believe doing so will automatically lead to their oppression and victimization, it can be hard to do.  And yet if the team comes second (or third or fourth) it’s not too difficult to see why that team may fail.

In fact, I can’t think of a single relationship in real life where the couple takes a team approach and one or both of the partners are individually worse off for it. Instead they are among the happiest people I know.

Two are stronger than one. And two pulling together in the same direction are certainly far ahead of two pulling in opposite directions. The first can overcome much while the second may hardly get anywhere at all.

What do you think? Please share in the comments!

 

 

Careful What You Wish For

11 Monday Jun 2018

Posted by in Relationships

≈ 206 Comments

Tags

, , , , , , , ,

I got some sad news yesterday that a couple I know has separated and is on the path to divorce. Their son is 11-years-old.

They did not marry until later in life, late 40s. He is a chemist with a well-paying job working for a large company, she was a former housekeeper and has been a stay at home wife and then mom since they married close to a dozen years ago now.

They hadn’t planned on becoming parents, so the news they were going to have a baby came as a shock. She was nearly 50 at the time, although both seem and act a decade younger. Their son is a very bright child, charming and well mannered. Even so I suppose becoming a parent by choice versus by accident is a different experience, and she struggled to be happy about it, or her marriage.

As far as I could see, a big part of their issues come from her attitude. She’s constantly focused on the negatives and has complained about the marriage and threatened divorce nearly from the start. Frankly, she’s a miserable person and difficult to be around.

One day, after walking me thru their home and describing all the remodeling projects she had underway, once again she started in on how she wasn’t haaaaapy, he wasn’t this or that, she was sick of it, and she may as well get a divorce.

Perhaps because I was a single mom she expected me to be on board. So I think she was a bit shocked when I pointed out how lucky she was that her biggest problem seemed to be what color of tile to choose while I was each and every month panicking about how I would pay the mortgage and other bills and not lose our home. I told her she had no idea how hard life as a single mom can be.  At the time she actually thanked me for providing some perspective, and I urged her to focus on the positives instead of the negatives. And to not create problems that were not there.

This was over a year ago. Unfortunately it sounds like she continued with the picking apart of the marriage and after years and years of it, he snapped. He said he was tired of the constant complaining, moved out to an apartment nearby, and has no interest in going back.

According to our mutual friend, it did not occur to the wife that HE might be the one to check out, and she is now desperately trying to get him to change his mind to no avail. She’s now panicking at the thought of being on her own, having to get a job, possibly living alone for the rest of her life. Easy street has come to an abrupt end. What color of tile to pick is no longer all she has to worry about.

I know several other women who share this same attitude toward their marriage, always picking it apart, never happy, constantly complaining. I suppose it is an easy habit to get into, but a very destructive one. They literally create problems that are not there. Only thinking about themselves, me, me, me. (If perhaps you have fallen into this trap, please stop it TODAY!)

For the record her husband is a good man. Smart. Faithful. Good looking. Steady. No major deal breaker flaws for sure. She could do a lot worse. Much. As far as I can see, there really isn’t any reason for her unhappiness except her own mental roadblock. And I would be willing to bet that mental roadblock will remain, she will continue to be negative and unhappy, but will no longer have the husband to blame. (Hopefully it will not then transfer to the son, who my heart breaks for having to go through all this.)

Ladies, happiness is an inside job. Don’t be foolish like this woman, tearing your house down with your own hands. That good man may just decide better to live in the corner of an attic with a leaky roof than spend one more day listening to a nagging, complaining wife. And at that point, as this woman has found, it may be too late.

What do you think? Please share in the comments.

 

Choose Your Counsel Carefully

08 Tuesday May 2018

Posted by in Relationships

≈ 55 Comments

Tags

, , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Ladies, when it comes to matters of the heart, it’s essential to choose your counsel carefully.

Whether you are looking for advice on your marriage, getting divorced, getting married, a romantic interest, or how to navigate the dating scene chances are almost everyone has a take on the “right” thing to do.

However, I have found most of the time that advice is exactly the opposite of good counsel! While it may be well meaning and well intended, if it steers you in the wrong direction the results can be disastrous and long lasting.

My advice would be to seek relationship-type counsel from male family members (who can often see through guy-games much better than any woman!) or trusted women older than yourself who are themselves in happy, healthy, long-term relationships. While they may not always tell you what you want to hear, the fact that they themselves are successfully navigating these waters, even if they have not faced your particular situation, suggests they have the experience to guide you to success.

Likewise, avoid the counsel of friends, family, and co-workers who themselves are not doing well or have not done well on the relationship front. While such women (and men!) can often seem to know what they are talking about, and even speak with authority, chances are their advice won’t work any better for you than it is working for themselves.  Especially so if their love life is a constant hot mess!

You see, advice geared toward single and married women today is often exactly the opposite of what works. And this bad advice is much more commonly available and espoused than good advice.

Often when a gal is struggling in her marriage, for example, she’ll find far more voices of support for her to just leave and move on than she will encouraging her to work things out.

Likewise, single women are often given advice that leaves them sitting by the phone wondering if a guy will call back or brokenhearted than advice that will lead to a stable, solid, successful match.

There’s a saying in the investment world that to win, one should do the opposite of what everyone else is doing. I think that advice can apply here as well. Because let’s face it, there are far more people in failed, failing, or miserable relationship situations than there are ones who are not. Doing and being different is likely the secret to those who find success.

So next time you find yourself wondering what to do about a relationship issue, remember to choose your counsel carefully.  Listen to those who are truly “winning” in love. Often their advice will involve patience, sacrifice of instant gratification for long-term results, grace, forgiveness, self-discipline, and other ways you can improve the situation on YOUR part, rather than a focus on, “what he needs to do.”

Perhaps the hardest part about choosing your counsel carefully is that the ones most worth listening to may say what you least want to hear. In fact, that alone may be a good sign their advice is on the right track. If it’s the opposite of 90 percent of the advice on love and relationships you see, hear, or read today, it’s likely worth pondering. If it’s the same old stuff you hear at every turn, beware!

I wish somebody would have said these things to me in my youth.  And I wish I would have been more discerning who I sought counsel from.  Most of my “advisers” weren’t doing well in relationships then, and no surprise they still aren’t today! Sadly, I can’t turn back time, but I can try to share what I have learned the hard way in hopes it helps others avoid the same path.

Today I am very selective in whose counsel I keep. I’ll take advice from someone who is succeeding over the advice of someone who is not any day! I would suggest you do the same!

What do you think? Please share in the comments!

 

Delivering the Red Pill?

29 Sunday Apr 2018

Posted by in Red Pill, Relationships

≈ 154 Comments

Tags

, , , , , , , , , , ,

In a previous post we discussed a couple with a young child at risk of divorce due to the wife’s Facebook affair(s?)

Much insightful advice was given for handling such a situation. I passed this info onto the husband’s parents and shared it had come from others who had been in their son’s shoes.

They especially liked the advice offered by Deti, and said they had seen a friend’s son do just that and had it work out for him very well.

The question they had, and requested I put to all of you for insight, was how to deliver this info to their son who does not seem to want to talk to his parents, or anyone, about what’s happening.

He seems to want to believe “it’s all fine” and “they are getting along better than ever” despite the fact that mutual friends say his wife is not only continuing to meet up with her Facebook friend, but takes their young daughter along on her trysts. These friends have seen photos of her and the child and the guy since this all came to light.

The son apparently is still defending his wife, and believing her cries that “everyone is picking on her” and “his family doesn’t like her.” They also worry it may be a pride thing, not wanting to admit the warnings of friends and family about his prospective bride were on track.

So I said I would ask. What approach would you take toward delivering some red pill advice to this young husband and father in a way he may be able to hear, and hopefully act upon, to protect himself and his young daughter from years of potential post-divorce drama-fueled toxic chain yanking ahead?

Please share in the comments any words of wisdom, advice, strategy, or links to blogs or websites that you feel may help.

(If you did not read the original post and comments, click on the link to the post in the first sentence above to get the backstory.)

Water The Grass

27 Tuesday Feb 2018

Posted by in Relationships

≈ 67 Comments

Tags

, , , , , , , , , , ,

Its so easy in a long term relationship or a marriage to slip into a place where one takes it for granted.

Doing so is a big mistake though. Too often couples who do so slip into complacency, and then one or the other disengages.

Maintenance is always easier than digging out.

Think of it like a garden. One gardener spends 10-20 minutes a day wedding, watering, looking for problems, tackling them when they are small. The little daily effort adds up, keeping everything looking great with seemingly little effort.

Compare that to the person who only takes action when things have gotten out of hand. The grass is yellow. The weeds are waist high. The bushes and trees have overgrown into a jumbled mess. This garden will take hours and hours of work to reclaim. And because some of the neglect has led to problems not easily reversed (lack of regular pruning allowed some things to grow the wrong way or too big, and even with pruning they will never be quite right, or plants have died from lack of water.) It’s possible to recover such a garden, but it will probably never be as good as it could have been, or look as tidy as the one maintained all along.

Most of the time good things don’t “just happen.” Good things are often born of lots of little good decisions and actions leading to success.

Beware neglecting your relationship until the weeds are knee deep. Instead, spend a little time every day doing positive things that will help it grow and flourish.

The greener grass is the grass that gets watered.

What do you think? Do you have tips for maintaining relationship health? Do you have stories of what happens when things aren’t maintained? Please share in the comments!

Skittles Guy

18 Sunday Feb 2018

Posted by in Red Pill, Relationships

≈ 58 Comments

Tags

, , , , , , , ,

Shortly after my guy and I started dating, an 8 pound bag of skittles arrived by mail. It was a gag gift, based on the game advice to, “Be a Skittles Guy.”

Of course in this case it was a joke between two red pill types, but I do have to say by the time they were gone, my girls and I were skittles-proof. If we never eat another Skittles again, we’d be OK with it.

The Skittles Guy concept is based off a story of a gal who complained online how bad her jerk boy lover was to her, he was mostly only interested in booty calls, would disappear for stretches of time only to explain when he resurfaced that he, “was busy,” and never gave her anything but a bag of skittles. Despite this, she was upset he’d decided to end things!

I have seen acquaintances in such relationships (if one could call them that) in real life and the dynamic can be irrationally strong. Gals will cling to guys who give next to nothing in return. Hope it will turn into more. Will jump through hoops to be with him. Will often have sad stories of broken plans and ways he’s wronged her, yet she continues. If she asks for more, Skittles Man usually vanishes rather than changes his ways or puts a ring on it.

Women in such situations often view themselves as the victim, the injured or wronged party. But are they? Or are their own choices leading to their outcomes?

My advice would be to beware getting involved with Skittles Guy in the first place. If you already are in such a relationship recognize this and break it off so you can find more. Or if you choose to continue, own it and realize you are agreeing to the deal, you are not a powerless victim.

Maybe the Skittles Guy is a bad guy, maybe not. That’s kind of irrelevant versus seeing he is who he is. And understanding that no matter what one sees in the movies, Skittles Guys do not magically and suddenly turn into something else. Maybe someday he will be in a place where he’s looking to commit, but if he’s not doing it already, it’s not now and it’s not with you. That’s the reality.

If you don’t take my word for it, here’s an excellent post by a guy explaining the price of being tied up with a Skittles Guy if what you really want is something more.

Life is a series of choices leading to good things or bad things. Choose wisely.

What do you think? Please share in the comments.

 

Handling a Break Up

04 Thursday Jan 2018

Posted by in Relationships

≈ 149 Comments

Tags

, , ,

With my roommate suddenly single, I have recently been giving break up advice. So I thought as long as I am sharing it, may as well share it here too.

Much of this I learned when my own relationship ended with little warning, leaving me single with two kids and no explanation or willingness to work things out from the other side. I was devastated, to say the least. It was horrible.

Somehow I found a website (https://lovesagame.com) about breakup recovery that was a Godsend during that dark time. I highly recommend every article on it!

This infographic from there sums breakup recovery strategy much better than I can:

breakuphealingprocessinfographic

Another thing the site suggested was to not focus on what the OTHER person is doing/thinking/feeling, and to focus on your OWN recovery.

Let’s face it, break ups suck. But they can also serve as a huge growth experience and an opportunity to craft the life you want. When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.

What do you think?  Do you have any break up coping tips? Advice for the recently single? Please share in the comments!