Tag Archives: breakups

Careful What You Wish For

11 Monday Jun 2018

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I got some sad news yesterday that a couple I know has separated and is on the path to divorce. Their son is 11-years-old.

They did not marry until later in life, late 40s. He is a chemist with a well-paying job working for a large company, she was a former housekeeper and has been a stay at home wife and then mom since they married close to a dozen years ago now.

They hadn’t planned on becoming parents, so the news they were going to have a baby came as a shock. She was nearly 50 at the time, although both seem and act a decade younger. Their son is a very bright child, charming and well mannered. Even so I suppose becoming a parent by choice versus by accident is a different experience, and she struggled to be happy about it, or her marriage.

As far as I could see, a big part of their issues come from her attitude. She’s constantly focused on the negatives and has complained about the marriage and threatened divorce nearly from the start. Frankly, she’s a miserable person and difficult to be around.

One day, after walking me thru their home and describing all the remodeling projects she had underway, once again she started in on how she wasn’t haaaaapy, he wasn’t this or that, she was sick of it, and she may as well get a divorce.

Perhaps because I was a single mom she expected me to be on board. So I think she was a bit shocked when I pointed out how lucky she was that her biggest problem seemed to be what color of tile to choose while I was each and every month panicking about how I would pay the mortgage and other bills and not lose our home. I told her she had no idea how hard life as a single mom can be.  At the time she actually thanked me for providing some perspective, and I urged her to focus on the positives instead of the negatives. And to not create problems that were not there.

This was over a year ago. Unfortunately it sounds like she continued with the picking apart of the marriage and after years and years of it, he snapped. He said he was tired of the constant complaining, moved out to an apartment nearby, and has no interest in going back.

According to our mutual friend, it did not occur to the wife that HE might be the one to check out, and she is now desperately trying to get him to change his mind to no avail. She’s now panicking at the thought of being on her own, having to get a job, possibly living alone for the rest of her life. Easy street has come to an abrupt end. What color of tile to pick is no longer all she has to worry about.

I know several other women who share this same attitude toward their marriage, always picking it apart, never happy, constantly complaining. I suppose it is an easy habit to get into, but a very destructive one. They literally create problems that are not there. Only thinking about themselves, me, me, me. (If perhaps you have fallen into this trap, please stop it TODAY!)

For the record her husband is a good man. Smart. Faithful. Good looking. Steady. No major deal breaker flaws for sure. She could do a lot worse. Much. As far as I can see, there really isn’t any reason for her unhappiness except her own mental roadblock. And I would be willing to bet that mental roadblock will remain, she will continue to be negative and unhappy, but will no longer have the husband to blame. (Hopefully it will not then transfer to the son, who my heart breaks for having to go through all this.)

Ladies, happiness is an inside job. Don’t be foolish like this woman, tearing your house down with your own hands. That good man may just decide better to live in the corner of an attic with a leaky roof than spend one more day listening to a nagging, complaining wife. And at that point, as this woman has found, it may be too late.

What do you think? Please share in the comments.

 

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Dating Dilemmas Decoded

22 Tuesday May 2018

Posted by in Relationships

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Ladies, if you find yourself puzzling over dating dilemmas such as what to do when a guy doesn’t call back, what men think about sex on the first date,  a simple way you can stand out from the rest, and more you’ll want to go to this informative dating blog written by a man cluing women into all those things about dating that never made sense, but suddenly will!

Now some of his advice may come across as blunt or even harsh at times, but if you take it like advice from a brother to his sister, his no holds barred, cut to the chase style becomes more a form of tough love to save you from many mistakes, broken hearts, and go nowhere situations.

In fact, I would suggest you go to this page that lists all of his posts, and start reading from the bottom up a few a day until you have read them all. By the time you do, dating will no longer be so much of a mystery and you will be armed with the knowledge you need to succeed in relationships, rather than wondering time and again what went wrong.

What do you think? Please share in the comments!

Delivering the Red Pill?

29 Sunday Apr 2018

Posted by in Red Pill, Relationships

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In a previous post we discussed a couple with a young child at risk of divorce due to the wife’s Facebook affair(s?)

Much insightful advice was given for handling such a situation. I passed this info onto the husband’s parents and shared it had come from others who had been in their son’s shoes.

They especially liked the advice offered by Deti, and said they had seen a friend’s son do just that and had it work out for him very well.

The question they had, and requested I put to all of you for insight, was how to deliver this info to their son who does not seem to want to talk to his parents, or anyone, about what’s happening.

He seems to want to believe “it’s all fine” and “they are getting along better than ever” despite the fact that mutual friends say his wife is not only continuing to meet up with her Facebook friend, but takes their young daughter along on her trysts. These friends have seen photos of her and the child and the guy since this all came to light.

The son apparently is still defending his wife, and believing her cries that “everyone is picking on her” and “his family doesn’t like her.” They also worry it may be a pride thing, not wanting to admit the warnings of friends and family about his prospective bride were on track.

So I said I would ask. What approach would you take toward delivering some red pill advice to this young husband and father in a way he may be able to hear, and hopefully act upon, to protect himself and his young daughter from years of potential post-divorce drama-fueled toxic chain yanking ahead?

Please share in the comments any words of wisdom, advice, strategy, or links to blogs or websites that you feel may help.

(If you did not read the original post and comments, click on the link to the post in the first sentence above to get the backstory.)

Is Her Picker Broken? Or Is It Her?

01 Thursday Mar 2018

Posted by in Relationships

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A comment by regular “Love” a few posts back got me thinking about the idea of a gal having, “a broken picker.” What I mean by that is when a gal keeps picking the same kind of guys and keeps getting poor relationship results. Or maybe it’s not that she’s got a broken picker, but that’s she’s simply broken?

“Love” brought up this interesting idea in the comments a few posts back about one reason women (and men) may find themselves in relationships that go nowhere and end badly over and over again — is because maybe they are either consciously or subconsciously picking partners who are unable to give commitment or true intimacy, and this in turn allows the gal in question to avoid her own commitment and intimacy issues, while conveniently being able to blame the guy or culture and cry, “victim!”

It is an interesting idea and one I had not considered before — what if it’s not just bad luck, a bad choice, or a con job? What if it’s not because she’s naive, or being manipulated, or mislead, or “doesn’t get it.” What if it’s not the what things have changed with dating and marriage, or the culture, or due to today’s bad relationship advice? What if in fact she’s actually picking the types of guys who cannot and will not commit and who are unable to truly give or receive intimacy because she herself can’t, won’t, or doesn’t want to either?

I know one such gal, I’ve written about my former neighbor Vixen before.  As long as I have known her, her relationship choices have puzzled me. She always has a lot of guy drama and frankly the guys she chooses never seem to be “commitment” types. So they do this dance where she says all she wants is commitment, but her actions are doing everything to ensure that even if a non-commit guy starts to change his mind,  no guy in his right mind would go there. But to hear her tell it, THEY are to blame. It’s always some story of a guy (or guys) doing her some huge injustice and how all she wants is to settle down and be with someone.

I think “Love” may have finally solved the puzzle — I think Vixen herself is unable to commit, unable to truly stop playing the dating game, unable to be faithful or true, and deep down doesn’t want the level of relationship where she would have to give up the games and actually fly straight. She doesn’t want a “real” relationship because she doesn’t want to have to answer to anyone, meet any expectations, or be a real life partner.

Well, I suppose that is a choice and if so maybe she should just get real about it, drop the victim act, and admit she’s choosing this. She’s choosing it by the types of guys she dates. She’s choosing this by the way she acts while she’s dating them. And she chooses this every time she sabotages relationships that start to go toward stability and commitment.

Vixen is still good looking enough and charming enough to get attention from the types of guys she wants attention from. Sure, it may not be for long, but it is still there. However what I can see that she seemingly does not is that window is closing. It won’t be too long from now that she will go from the hot girl at the bar to the bar fly.

In addition, right now she makes a living cleaning houses, and that combined with child support and govt. assistance pays the bills. But as her kids grow up and move out, her chronic back injury starts bothering her more and more, and she can’t do the physical labor she does now (or doesn’t want to) then what? She has no other job skills, no savings, no retirement, no assets whatsoever to sell or liquidate.

Maybe she could live with her kids? Well, sadly and not surprisingly, considering the drama soaked environment they have been raised in, they are not doing too well themselves. The oldest is in middle school but acts far older and is very much following in her mother’s footsteps by making boy drama and manipulating boys with her looks, figure, and charm the main focus of her life.  The younger sister is sullen and withdrawn, spending hours alone by herself, locked up in her room. I wonder how and when the feelings she has locked inside will come out and what the result will be? The youngest, a two-year-old boy, seems oblivious for now but it can’t be good for him to the the center of all the fighting and power struggles with his father and the other guys in and out of the picture, something Vixen doesn’t try to shield him or the older two from.  I wonder if her kids will even talk to her once they grow up?

Anyway, it’s not really about her, but I do think her story is an example of the kind of gal “Love” described in her comment — she’s a Skittles girl who goes for cads. The results are predictable, but somehow and on some level it seems to be working for her enough that she’s not making any changes. And even if she did, at this point, wouldn’t any sane, stable, solid guy just hear her stories and RUN?

I know I stopped being able to take the roller coaster several years ago, and while I hear from her from time to time, I don’t seek her out socially or get our kids together anymore because I don’t want them exposed to that. Plus,  I want to and am taking a different path myself.

In any case, “Love’s” comment got me thinking, perhaps many of these gals who are unlucky in love, with lots of sad stories, and many failed relationships are not victims at all — but are actually choosing their lot? Or if not choosing it, refusing to look at why their picker seems to be broken and what they could do about that?

What do you think? Please share in the comments.

Don’t Just Go With It

16 Tuesday Jan 2018

Posted by in Relationships

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While in the car with the kids and Dancer’s youngest we were listening to the radio. It was set to a channel with today’s top music.

The lyrics of one song struck me. It basically was about relationships, advising to “Just go with it,” and “To see where it goes.”

This is popular relationship advice aimed at young women today, but for the most part it’s really bad advice.  Just like hookup culture, casual sex, and no strings attached are bad advice.

Women who get involved in undefined or poorly defined sexual relationships hoping they will “maybe” go somewhere or turn into something are setting themselves up for repeated and needless pain.

It opened the door to a teachable moment about valuing oneself. About a really good talk about how girls they knew or saw taking this route were not having success but rather multiple failures.

I encouraged the girls to take the path less travelled. While other girls are dating young and getting all wrapped up in boys, they could instead invest all that energy in themselves, in learning life skills, in preparing themselves for their future forever guy and for a happy, stable life.

Multiple rejections, heartbreaks, and bad experiences do the opposite. One only needs to look around in real life to see many examples of that. Painting it as “normal” teenage rights of passage has lead to a lot of destruction. As has the common, “just go with it” advice.

I hope a seed was planted. I wish someone had told me these things at their age.

What do you think? Please share in the comments!

Handling a Break Up

04 Thursday Jan 2018

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With my roommate suddenly single, I have recently been giving break up advice. So I thought as long as I am sharing it, may as well share it here too.

Much of this I learned when my own relationship ended with little warning, leaving me single with two kids and no explanation or willingness to work things out from the other side. I was devastated, to say the least. It was horrible.

Somehow I found a website (https://lovesagame.com) about breakup recovery that was a Godsend during that dark time. I highly recommend every article on it!

This infographic from there sums breakup recovery strategy much better than I can:

breakuphealingprocessinfographic

Another thing the site suggested was to not focus on what the OTHER person is doing/thinking/feeling, and to focus on your OWN recovery.

Let’s face it, break ups suck. But they can also serve as a huge growth experience and an opportunity to craft the life you want. When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.

What do you think?  Do you have any break up coping tips? Advice for the recently single? Please share in the comments!

 

What Predicts Relationship Success?

31 Sunday Dec 2017

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Wish you could look into a crystal ball and see if your relationship was destined to succeed or fail? Researchers think they have found the answer that separates relationship masters from relationship disasters. From here:

“…Gottman can predict with up to 94 percent certainty whether couples … will be broken up, together and unhappy, or together and happy several years later. Much of it comes down to the spirit couples bring to the relationship. Do they bring kindness and generosity; or contempt, criticism, and hostility?

“There’s a habit of mind that the masters have,” Gottman explained in an interview, “which is this: they are scanning social environment for things they can appreciate and say thank you for. They are building this culture of respect and appreciation very purposefully. Disasters are scanning the social environment for partners’ mistakes.”

“It’s not just scanning environment,” chimed in Julie Gottman. “It’s scanning the partner for what the partner is doing right or scanning him for what he’s doing wrong and criticizing versus respecting him and expressing appreciation.”

Contempt, they have found, is the number one factor that tears couples apart. People who are focused on criticizing their partners miss a whopping 50 percent of positive things their partners are doing and they see negativity when it’s not there.”

In real life I would say I have seen this to be the case. Those I know in troubled, angsty relationships are always on the lookout for their partner to do them wrong or fall short, while the couples who seem most content are those who have a positive view.

The good news is both approaches are a choice, a mindset. If you aren’t already, start giving your partner the benefit of the doubt and look for the good in them rather than the bad, assume the best instead of the worst. Not only will they likely start feeling a lot better about the relationship (and you!), chances are you’ll start feeling so as well.

It’s easy to find fault, to focus on the negative. In fact, the human mind seems geared to see what’s missing more prominantly than what’s not. And while it likely serves us well in some ways, it can also create much unhappiness because let’s face it — there will always be something going wrong, even when 99.9% is going right! And really, how often in life is even 51% or more going wrong? In mine the answer has been rarely, or actually never, even if I have not always acted (or felt) like it. Even on the very worst days (not that I am daring the universe here…)

What do you think? Have you seen this master or disaster approach to relationships in real life? Is seeing the glass half full the secret to a long and happy relationship? Please share in the comments.

 

Facebook Follies

27 Wednesday Dec 2017

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Several couples I know in real life with a lot of strife in their relationships would do well to step away from Facebook and other forms of social media.

Why? Because in their cases rather than it being a place to truly check in on the latest from family and friends it has instead become a place to monitor the every friend, follow, and like of their beloved.

I know it may sound silly, but I truly have seen and heard spats over the most innocuous things.

I keep wondering why these people don’t simply COMMUNICATE with each other, rather than try to read the tea leaves of likes, posts, check ins and such. I mean I suppose one could like Sherlock Homes catch their partner red handed in some lie (why were you checking in at the club at 1 am when you said you were going home?) but why? I mean if you even have to have ask that type of question, isn’t that your answer?

I am sure most of these behaviors come from a place of insecurity, but to me they just come across as nails in the coffin — bad experiences rather than positive ones, accusations that will lead to less disclosure, not more.

If you find yourself Facebook stalking — stop! Stop and ask yourself why, what you are trying to find out, and if the skepticism is healthy self-protection or a warning sign of major troubles ahead.

Let those with ears hear.

Dating Is Expensive

11 Monday Dec 2017

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I have a friend who once complained when a man she met online planned a relatively inexpensive outing for their second date.

Instead of embracing a fun and creative day, she pouted the whole date and (surprise) wasn’t asked out on a third.

Dating is expensive, especially if he’s picking up the tab. Being mindful of that, and even suggesting fun but low cost date ideas yourself, is a good way to stand out from the entitled princess types and demonstrate you’ve got LTR partner potential.

Yes, dinners out at the best places in town are nice, but a gal who expects nothing less on every outing may find herself soon wondering why he never called again.

Oh and be sure to say, “Thank you.” A guy once told me it’s surprising how many women don’t, and when it happened, he would not call them back.

What do you think about the economics of dating? Please share in the comments!

Focus on YOUR Half

28 Tuesday Feb 2017

Posted by in Red Pill

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Most of the couples I know who are unhappy make a common mistake — instead of thinking about what they could do to make their side of the relationship work better, they pick their partner apart.

I have had one woman tell me that, “She’ll try AFTER he fixes all his stuff first.” Really? And trust me she can roll out a list of things he does wrong, but is unable to see her own side of the dysfunction.

When the relationship is struggling, it is good to ask yourself what YOU can do to improve things, rather than focusing on what your partner should do or isn’t doing.

It’s nearly never 100% anyone’s fault. Man or woman. Many times there are things YOU can do to make things better, even if your partner isn’t. And change creates change. You changing how you approach the relationship will eventually force them to act differently, as well.

And the only thing you can control or change is YOUR SIDE of things, anyway.

And if the issue really is something there is no fixing, like your partner has a personality disorder,  and things don’t work out despite your best effort to make it so, at least you will know you tried.

Let those who have ears hear.