Tag Archives: career path

The Lost Job

05 Wednesday Dec 2018

Posted by in Fempire, parenting, Red Pill

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A meeting with my oldest’s guidance counselor led to an interesting teachable moment afterward.

The meeting was a fairly standard, “What do you want to be when you grow up?” one. Would she go to college? Trade school? Etc.

After the meeting she expressed some valid concerns, including feeling like she wasn’t ready to choose. And to be honest, she is fairly young to make such a decision.

I explained it was just the start of the discussion and that she really has several years to figure it out. There are tests she can take to help her narrow things down by identifying her aptitude’s and interests.

Seeing the opening I dropped in a red pill. “You know when I was your age, there was a really important job option nobody ever talked about.”

”Really?” she asked. “What?”

”The job of taking care of the homefront,” I replied. “Supporting a husband so he could work while the wife took care of all the tasks that help keep life running smoothly like cooking, cleaning, gardening, and childcare.”

I explained when I was her age they told us what a “waste of our potential” staying home and taking care of things would be.

But as she has seen firsthand as the child of a “career mom,” what happens is that stuff either doesn’t get done or gets done on the margins.

I pointed out some people we know who have taken that path, and how well it has worked for themselves and their families. I explained how I often felt I had been sold a half truth, and that had I chosen a different path my life might have been far less stressful, difficult, and overwhelming.

I could tell she liked the idea that maybe she didn’t have to be a career gal like myself. That maybe there was another way.

She said she did want to have an education, and job skills, and to have some work experience, “just in case.” I used her former babysitter as an example of someone who had done just that, and how if her husband ever needed her to take the lead because he was ill or something, she had the education and marketable skills to do so.

It was a really good discussion and one I hope she factors in as she chooses her life path.

Time will tell. But at least she and I are having the discussions I wish someone would have had with me at her age.

What do you think? Please share in the comments!

 

More on Actions and Outcomes

06 Friday Jul 2018

Posted by in Red Pill

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To keep riffing on the idea that actions create outcomes, let’s look at some examples. What would the outcome be for the following (best guess, just based on the average outcome.)

Case Study 1: Person shows up to work on time (or a bit early!), is rarely absent, works diligently, looks and acts professionally, adds value whenever possible, is minimal drama, and gets ‘er done on a daily and regular basis. Outcome?

Case Study 2: Person is often late, sick the minute a leave day accrues, often gets off task, looks and acts unprofessionally, does the minimum, often involved in or creating drama, doesn’t complete tasks on a regular or daily basis. Outcome?

Case Study 1: On a regular or daily basis person does the following: walks for 15 minutes a day, takes the stairs instead of the elevator whenever possible, parks in the farthest spot in the lot, does resistance training either at home with body weight resistance and bands or at the gym with weights, has an active hobby (boating, hiking, swimming, biking, etc.), and mostly eats a sensible, balanced, high nutrition, low processed and junk food diet. Outcome?

Cast Study 2: Person wishes they could lose weight and get fit, but never or rarely or sporadically at best does any of the above.  Outcome?

Case Study 1: Person wants financial stability so they put away 10 percent of every paycheck, avoid debt or pay extra on any prior debt until it is paid off, pays bills early or on time to avoid fees, shops at garage sales, consignment shops, resale shops, or thrift stores for most household and clothing items, comparison shops and buys new items on sale vs. retail, prioritizes needs vs. wants, has $1500 in a rainy day fund for emergencies and repays the fund when used, puts money regularly into some sort of retirement fund, takes on extra work or generates extra income on the side when possible, lives below their means on a regular or daily basis. Outcome?

Case Study 2: Person wants financial stability but tells themselves they can’t afford to save anything, buys mostly on credit, pays minimum on cards and debts, often pays late including additional fees, always buys household and clothing items brand new at full retail price, has no cash reserves for emergencies so charges such expenses, puts nothing away for retirement, doesn’t look for extra work or ways to generate income on the side when possible, lives paycheck to paycheck or even above their means via credit. Outcome?

As these examples hopefully illustrate, it’s not rocket science. The secret to getting the outcome you desire is taking regular or daily actions that have high odds of leading to the desired outcome. Not doing so greatly decreases it.

I am sure you can think of such case studies of your own (and if so, feel free to add them or other thoughts on actions and outcomes in the comments!)

There Is Always A Downside

16 Tuesday Jun 2015

Posted by in Red Pill

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Something I have come to realize with age is that in almost every situation, there is a downside.

There is a downside to being in a relationship, there is a downside to being alone. There is a downside to being married, there is a downside to being single. There is a downside to getting divorced, there is a downside to staying married. There is a downside of going to college, there is a downside of not going to college. There is a downside to having kids, there is a downside to not having kids. There is a downside of working, there is a downside of not working. There is a downside to being rich, there is a downside to being poor, and there is even a downside of being somewhere in the middle of rich and poor.

Darn, there’s always a downside? Well that stinks, right? Yes and no. It only stinks if you are under the illusion that there can be no downside. In our society that seems to be the expectation. Or the belief that a downside is “a sign” that it’s time to make a change, usually the opposite of whatever the situation causing the downside may be.

However, these changes are often made in reaction to the downside, without consideration to the downsides of doing something else, instead. Far too often people see change as the solution to a downside, but they do not consider nearly enough what the downside to whatever their new path may be. Once on it, the downsides become apparent and the dissatisfaction and desire to eliminate the downside sets in once again.

I call it the “if only’s.” If only I was married/single/divorced/had kids/didn’t have kids/had a degree/didn’t have a degree/worked/didn’t work/was rich and so on. If only, if only, if only…then I could be happy!

That’s where the option of acceptance and gratitude comes in, something people don’t seem to consider nearly as often as they consider radical change. Accepting that there is always going to be a downside can be actually very freeing. And it can help one make better choices, find contentment, and even be happier.

And of course sometimes the downsides of not making a change are greater than the downsides of doing different. Once all sides are considered, maybe change really is what is needed. In those cases, considering in advance the downside of all options can help make those choices easier. It’s not change that’s bad, it’s the overly idealistic idea that change will lead to a life without downsides. Well, it won’t. That doesn’t mean life can’t be better. But there will always still be downsides. Sorry.

Of course, the good news here is that also means there are likewise always upsides of every situation. And if the downside and upsides are also considered in tandem before making major changes, sometimes just considering the upsides can help one realize things are actually more good than bad. I think that in the majority of cases in life, this is true. And studies show that simply focusing on the upsides in life, rather than the downsides, leads to much greater life satisfaction no matter what the situation might be.

So when you find yourself focusing on the downside, telling yourself, “if only” things were different, then you would be happy/fulfilled/content/whole/etc. try looking at the upside as well as the possible downsides of that “if only.” Chances are good you are likely to discover all things considered, it’s not so bad after all. And if so, focusing more on the upside and less on the “if only” might be the best solution of all.

For where your focus is, there your heart will be also.

Let those who have ears hear.

Can Women Have It All?

31 Wednesday Dec 2014

Posted by in Fempire

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This highly recommended post by another blogger on the concept of having it all got me thinking about how women in particular have been sold the “have it all” message over the past few decades.

You know the one — today’s woman can get a great education, have a interesting and fulfilling career, have an amazing relationship, raise a family, have a magazine worthy home and garden, be beautiful, make time for all her hobbies and interests, travel the world, live her dreams, and reach for the stars?

And the truth is a woman today can have (within reason) any of those things. Women today have more options than ever before. But something I have almost never hear anyone say is a woman can’t have ALL of those things at the same time. And that it’s OK, even sanity itself, not to try to.

Yep, that’s right. The problem might be that life is a smorgasbord of abundance. There’s too many good things to have and not enough room or time or resources  to have them all. Or at least not on a quality level, although many women are burning themselves out trying. That’s the good news and the bad news, at the same time.

For example, I have three dear friends who put their time and energies into their educations and careers during their 20s and 30s. They all have Master’s degrees from top schools, and all have had successful and interesting careers, all hold high level positions for companies that are household names.

At the age of 38 or so, all decided it was “time to have kids.” Unfortunately, although each of these women were ready to be excellent mothers, and they all had met and married awesome men ready to be fathers, none of them were able to get pregnant even with the aid of all the infertility treatments science had to offer.

For each, it was a crushing blow. Used to being in control of their worlds, they assumed that like scheduling their week or a project, when they decided they were ready to have a baby, it would happen. The idea that there might be a cost of delaying pregnancy until they were ready versus having a baby when their bodies were most biologically ready — and that the cost might be not being able to get pregnant — had never seriously entered their minds. And with all of the celebrities having babies at 40 and even 50 years old, at 38 none of them had even considered that they might be starting too late.

One, now 53, gave up her career and is now a stay-at-home mom with two adopted children. One, now 45, has made peace with not having kids and puts her energy and time into helping other people’s children through her career. The third, now 39, is gearing down her career while still undergoing infertility treatment, and my fingers are crossed for her.

Now there is no way to know if they would have struggled just as much to get pregnant earlier in life, and I am in no way trying to imply that it was some kind of karmic retribution for choosing to get and education and pursue a career. It’s simply that Americans, and especially American women, have been led to believe that having it all, all at once, and on demand, is possible — when often it’s not. And this pretty little lie leads to much unnecessary strife and unhappiness.

The same could be said for a woman choosing to marry and start a family very young. What are the chances of her also pursuing higher education, establishing a successful career, and having time for all her hobbies and interests without her (and her family) paying that price in some way their time and quality of relationships?

The dirty little secret is the grass just looks greener. The young mother at home with the kids may envy her friends who have an exciting career, just as her friend who has a career but can’t have a child may envy the young stay-at-home mother. The woman who has children and a career may envy both those who have more time for their career because they don’t have children and the woman who has more time for her children because she doesn’t have a career.

When you think about it, every decision from as small as how to spend an hour to as big as if and when to try to have a baby, means a trade off in some other way.

And it’s not just women who face this. Men, too, have to and have always had to make choices between career, time with family, hobbies and interests, etc. It’s an illusion that men have somehow had the golden ticket in life, and that they were having it at the expense of women. Nobody has the golden ticket. There is no golden ticket. Everyone only has so many options, no matter their sex, age, income level, education, or other factors.

Ironically there is a solution to this situation, and again it involves realizing it’s a choice. But rather than choosing to want and try to have it all, ironically it means choosing NOT to. It is in choosing to give up some things in order to have other things that are more important and making peace with making those choices and trade offs that an abundant quality life lies. And also to accept that in everything there is a season, and having one thing might mean waiting to — or even never having — another. And not just realizing this, but being truly OK with it.

I personally struggle with this concept. I constantly beat myself up internally for not doing and being it all, for not somehow squeezing 48 hours of stuff into a 24 hour window. And trust me, I have tried. Pretty much daily. For years. That trying has come at great personal cost to myself, and others.

Nor if I am honest can I say I have been able to enjoy “having” it all, even as I was (and still am) furiously, frantically, and barely juggling it. I now realize that although there is always room for self-improvement, it wasn’t because I’m not trying hard enough or wanting it bad enough, it’s because I was and still am trying to do and have too much at once!

So in the spirit of resolutions and all of that, in 2015 I am going to make time for what’s most important and make peace with giving up some of what’s really not, without feeling like that trade off is some kind of failure. If you also struggle with this concept, I hope you will join me.

Sometimes less really is more. And sometimes more is actually less.

Let those who have ears hear.

Never Ever Give Up

04 Wednesday Jun 2014

Posted by in Faith

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Without going into a lot of details, let’s just say the last year of my life has been perhaps the most difficult one I have ever faced, and there have been many moments where I have felt like I was not only at the end of my rope, but dangling on the last thread in mid-air and wondering how I could ever overcome the seemingly impossible obstacles and difficulties firing my way from all fronts (personal, professional, relational, parental, physical, social, etc.) in even one area, much less all of them?

Month after trying month, when one thing would wrap up and I dared breathe a sigh of relief, something new just as dire would emerge and the dance would start all over. It’s been like a sprint that’s turned into a long distance event and the finish line keeps moving, just when I am think I am almost there, surprise! The race gets extended again, and the finish line is again moved to a new undisclosed location.

As I said in my visualization post, something I circle back to when things just seem too big is the many times the impossible has become possible before. So many times in my life the right person, information, connection, or solution pops up in the most coincidental and serendipitous fashion just when I need it most and  I can only read it as a sign from the universe to just keep going…to trust.

One would think after experiencing this 11th hour solution phenomenon so many times I would have faith and simply believe. And I am starting to think this past year may have been a hammering home of that very point. Over and over. Oh me of little faith, do the lilies of the field toil and spin? Do the birds worry about what they will eat or where it will come from. And yet there I am, fretting with each new challenge just the same.

Just last week I was wondering if maybe it was time to cash out my chips and let go of a dream I have been working toward for the past 12 years. Maybe it was too big. Maybe I had taken on too much. Maybe it was time to accept defeat. Increasing thoughts of “Maybe I just can’t” or “Maybe I am fooling myself” have plagued me over the past year, and the never ending challenges fired at me have not helped ease my mind.

I operate a cottage industry, small, local, boutique farm-based business on my property and just celebrated the fourth year in business.

In addition to that I work as a freelance writer, but freelance writing work has been in short supply since hurricane Sandy hit New York where most of my major clients up to that point had their offices wiped out and in turn slashed budgets drastically overnight. Likewise in the past few years content sweatshops have sprung up and companies who used to employ freelance writers and pay them a living wage now are paying less than one-tenth that to companies that take advantage of newer writers and keep the profit to themselves. I could work for them, but by the time it’s all said and done, it barely covers the childcare much less pays the bills.

So what was supposed to be my “side gig” has unexpectedly become my main gig. And I am not the only one facing this scenario, I see people all around me struggling to find themselves a foothold in today’s quickly changing economy as their former profession seems to vaporize right before their very eyes.

So yesterday morning there I was, thinking to myself, “What I need is a BIG sale. What I need is to move a lot of product at once, wholesale. I know I will get less for it, but at the same time it would be a nice cash infusion to put some space between myself and the wolves at the door. That’s what I really, really need.”

It’s been a recurring thought actually as I realized over the winter months that the seasonal nature of my business just doesn’t bring home the bacon during the wet, cold winter season. My direct to customer business sale strategy worked when I had the writing income to cover the day-to-day expenses but without that, I needed to set up a more consistent cash flow. Somehow.

Not three hours after thinking how what I needed was to make that BIG sale happen and asap, I am outside weeding and cleaning up for the first wedding of the season this weekend (I also rent my property out, for such events, as a side income) and I see a car parked at the gate. Then I spy a little fellow coming up the walk.

“Can I help you?” I asked, figuring he was going to hit me up for a donation for a local charitable event.

He introduces himself and says he works for a local distributing company who is looking to build out their hyper-local offerings and he had heard great things about my product and so he was wondering if I had ever considered selling some of it wholesale?

As much as I wanted to hug him and jump up and down, I play it cool. “I have thought about it,” I say casually. “But the price would have to be right. What are you offering per unit?”

Inside I am thinking, “Just say $10. I can do $10. I’d gladly do it for $10. Please God, at least say $10.”

“Well it’s really up to you,” he says, “But right now others in the area are selling for between $11 and $14 per unit.”

Controlling myself, I nonchalantly say, “I could probably let some go for that. So how much are you willing to take at a time?”

Inside I am thinking, “50 cases. Please say 50 cases. 50 cases would be perfect!”

“We usually buy a pallet at a time, mixed varieties.”

“Hummm, a pallet,” I say. “So how much is that?”

“50 cases, more or less,” he replies.

Inside, I am doing the happy dance. Yes!

“I’d be interested,” I say. “I have been thinking it’s time for me to consider wholesale, in fact I was thinking it just this morning, funny in fact you showed up today.”

Then we shoot the breeze, I share my story of how I got into all of this, he shares his background, we banter around some ideas for positioning the hyper-local offerings they are lining up and share some markets I wouldn’t mind getting my product into. Soon we are dreaming together, totally in tune and in step about how all this could roll out and be a win-win for both of us. We shake hands, I say I am in, I will get to bottling, and that he should go ahead and start making some sales calls. Let’s do this!

As he pulls away I thank God and the universe and breathe a huge sigh of relief. Maybe all this is going to work out after all. Maybe even better than I had dare hoped!

And then I check my e-mail and there is a message waiting for me from a client I would be ghostwriting blogs for (a medical group) that I had spoken to several months back but had figured didn’t work out. They want to get going, and asap. And they are paying my old rates, not the sweatshop ones. And they pay every two weeks, direct deposit. Will that be ok? When can I start?

Yes, yes it will. I am available immediately. Let’s get started! You bet!

And just like that I am reminded that it’s always darkest before dawn. Sure there are multiple challenges ahead, things could go wrong, but then again things could go right. You can never give up. And you can never lose faith. Because what you want more than anything often falls right into your lap just when you need it most. And when it does, rejoice and be grateful and ponder how sometimes it’s not so much about us making it happen, as it is surrendering to the reality that it’s way bigger than you, and it always has been. And when it seems like nothing is happening, a lot is happening that you just don’t know about. No matter how bleak things seem, the solution is to get up, show up, give it up in prayer, and take it one day at a time. The rest will take care of itself.

Let those who have ears hear.

(This post is dedicated to the memory of two individuals who tragically did give up in the biggest possible way, and to all those who struggle with similar thoughts. DO NOT GIVE UP. If you are alive, it is because you are supposed to be! Stick it out and find your purpose, you are here for a reason. Do not let the darkness in your mind win. Please do not. If you think nobody cares, know it’s not true — I care. Be a light unto the world. Be a survivor story. If you are in crisis, you can find help and someone to talk to anytime, day or night, right here. Promise me right now you won’t give up, that you will never give up. The world needs you. We are all in this together!)